Keeping it Real

As I've been looking back at my blog I realized how blessed I am. I have an amazing family, great friends, and we've done a lot of fun things.

It hasn't been all fun and games though. This past year and a half have probably been the hardest in our married life. So, to keep it real, and because I want to remember this- the hard times we went through- and because it might help some one else I'll share our struggles. I asked Jake to write a post about this and he said he would but never got around to it. Maybe he will eventually.

It started November 2015. One night Jake woke up around midnight and felt something was terribly wrong. His heart was pounding, he was shaking and told me he needed to go to the hospital. I called a friend to come over and be with the kids. While we waited for her I told Jake to call his dad (he's a doctor) and see what he thought. After talking to his dad for a while he calmed down. Jillian arrived but it seemed the crisis was over. That was Jake's first panic attack although we weren't totally sure at the time.

       The next week he went to the temple and had to leave the session. He was shaking, heart racing, feeling something wasn't right, light headed, legs felt weak. He walked across the parking lot to the stake center and called me. I loaded up the kids and went to get him. He was sitting with some kind people who had given him some food thinking maybe it was low blood sugar. A doctor happened to walk by and he helped us find the closest instant care. I took Jake in and he got some blood work done.

    Jake wasn't quite himself for a long time after that night. He had a conference in New Orleans a few days later. He was supposed to present at it so I encouraged him to go. He was extremely nervous and anxious to go.  The flight was difficult for him. The first morning there he walked out of his hotel to find a man who had just jumped from 5 stories up in an attempt to commit suicide. The police/ambulance had not arrived yet- it was very fresh. Jake had a really long panic attack after that. He called me extremely agitated. He could not calm down. He also talked to his dad and brother in an attempt to relax. He ended up booking a flight home and skipping his presentation.

     The next month was really hard. Jake was not himself. He was very, very anxious. He was scared to drive. I remember one day he was going to school. He made it five minutes from home and pulled over and called me to come get him. I had to wake up Emma from her nap and drive to where he was and follow him home "just in case something happened."  This was a frequent occurrence. He would call me from school, anxious and panicked, or if I was gone to a young women's activity he would get very anxious and have occasional panic attacks while I was gone. I would have to talk to him until he calmed down.

      In December I was in a car accident. I was nervous to call Jake and tell him I had been in an accident and needed him. He did really well that day and kept it together. He did have a panic attack that night. Our van was totaled and my hand was broken. I could not drive and Jake was afraid to drive. After being stuck in the house for several days after the accident I was so excited to get out and go to church. A friend had picked up Kaylee and Brooke and the rest of us were going to go in our car (we all couldn't fit in it). Jake was too anxious to drive so we had to stay home. I remember crying and just feeling trapped.  We were blessed with many meals, rides, and child care during that time. Someone also left us $500. I really needed that love and service!!

      Jake saw a doctor. He thought Jake had symptoms of hypoglycemia. After several blood tests came back normal the doctor was no help. Thankfully we were blessed with some amazing friends. Mindy Dahl is a PA and worked with a doctor who was able to get Jake in early for an appointment. He got Jake a prescription for medication to help the anxiety/panic. Mindy's husband Steve is a resident doctor and he was a huge help in taking to us and helping us though.

    Spencer and Marybeth Bradshaw were a huge help to us. Spencer is a therapist. He had experienced anxiety himself. They were such a great resource of love, support and information. We spent several evening with them just talking. Spencer helped Jake find a therapist. (Jake ended up seeing her twice a month. I went with him a couple of times.)

     Driving to Utah for Christmas that year was really hard. Jake didn't want to go. He was nervous to drive. He had started taking the medication just a few days before but it needs two weeks to be effective. I talked Jake into going to Utah. I would be easier for us. There would be people to help take care of the kids and cook since I couldn't do much one handed, and we could shop for a new van there (there aren't many vans in west Texas.) We had to rent a car to get there. It was a suburban and it was a beast to drive - it's just so big. We had made it two to three hours and Jake was pleading with me to just let us go back home. He couldn't drive anymore. I took over driving. It was really hard with my right hand in a cast. I drove for 2 hours before he was calm enough to take over again. We made it to Utah without incident.

     Christmas Eve we were with Jake's family at the cabin in Bear Lake. That night Jake had an intense panic attack. I was holding Emma getting her back to sleep when Jake woke up. He wanted me to go up and get his dad. I told him he was fine- it was just another panic attack but he was sure this time it was something different. He ended up waking his dad and brother. They helped him calm down. His dad gave him a lot of benadryl to help Jake relax and sleep. It did the trick. He slept through Christmas morning. He didn't get up until lunch time.

   By the time Christmas break was over the medicine had kicked in and Jake was less anxious. We bought a van and drove back to Texas. The anxiety had decreased quite a bit.

    In mid January Jake and I were able to go on our vacation we had planned for months (way before all the chaos  happened.)  Jake struggled a bit but was much improved!

    I think the last time Jake had a panic attack was March 2016. We have increased and decreased his medication since then but there is no more anxiety, no more panic attacks. I don't know how much the kids understood at the time. They knew dad was having a really hard time and we needed to be extra good and quiet at times. I was afraid for a while that Jake would never be quite the same again and many tears were shed over it by both of us. It was a long hard road and we aren't 100% recovered but we have come a long way. Jake is himself again for the most part. We still have some struggles one of the hardest places to be then and now is church. It's really hard for him to go to church but it helps to look back and see how bad it was and see how far we've come. I want my kids to be able to read this and see we can do hard things, and know they can talk to us if they ever have similar struggles. Prayer helps- I prayed a lot during this time. We received love and support from the friends we shared our struggle with. I didn't share it with many people at the time. It was personal and not competently my struggle to share. I feel he is recovered for the most part and I can share it now. I hope Jake will also share his perspective on this. Maybe once his dissertation is done he'll have time to think of other things....

House Staging

Saturday we cleaned and staged pictures for our house listing. We'll probably put it on the market in a couple weeks. I wanted to get some pictures taken and ready for when we do. This is the first house we bought and it's had some good memories. It's a little tight at times but we've been happy here.

Austin and Emma's room

Kaylee and Brooke's room

Master

Dining/kitchen

Living room

Beautiful planked fireplace 

Entry

Master bath

Kids bath

Our large backyard has been wonderful!

Hopefully it will sell fast so I don't have to worry about keeping it clean all the time.

Shortly after taking pictures my house was in this state again....

Field Trip

Friday afternoon Shauna, Jennie and I went shopping. Jennie helped me pick out some things to stage my house for selling. We also looked at clothes but none of us ended up buying anything.

After school was out we went on a field trip with the Paynes to see Robert Bruno's Steel House in Ransom canyon. It's a Lubbock area icon that we hadn't seen yet.

It was interesting. I'm not sure how anyone could actually live in it. The kids has a blast running around.

It has an impressive view for west Texas. This is as pretty as it gets around here.

We were surprised to see this house across the street built by the same architect. We called it the Dr. Suess house and the kids liked it more than the steel house. 

Opportunity Days

Every year the PFP department hosts opportunity days where potential employers and alumni come to Lubbock for a few days of networking and a research symposium. The Paynes and the Dormans came back for the event. Taft and Shauna stayed at our house. It was fun to have a date night group reunited!

The ladies got together for lunch and made a craft Jennie prepared for us. It was fun to chat and craft.

That evening we had our own banquet. (The PFP department does one every year but it is so expensive we skipped out.) Patrick and Jennie made us some pre-dinner mocktails.

We each brought part of the meal for dinner and it was delicious!

It was so fun to be together again and catch up. We are planning a yearly get together.

Shauna brought this beautiful dessert to end our night.

Jake and I were the first to leave. We had to get kids to bed and we had left Kaylee home alone since she wasn't feeling well. Jake wasn't feeling  that great himself but he toughed it out.

Pancakes and Snowcones

Last Saturday was the annual Pancake festival. Jake's professor buys lots of tickets every year so Jake grabbed a bunch and we invited the Bradshaws to join us.

Brooke loves pancakes and was in pancake heaven. Kaylee and Brooke both out ate me!

We have family home evening on Sundays now because Jake teaches late on Monday nights. Kaylee planned a Jeopardy game, She's very creative with the questions.

Monday was presidents day which meant no school. We went to the park with some friends. It was so windy that we didn't stay too long. I sure won't miss the wind in Lubbock!

After the park we went to Bahama Bucks for snow cones. Austin had a few coupons for free snow cones that he earned from preschool.

The kids all showing off their colorful tongues.

We rode bikes later....

Family Date night

Thursday night was Northridge Elementary family date night. There was pizza and drinks and dancing. Emma absolutely loved it! Brooke and especially Kaylee were reluctant dancers. Kaylee would hardly dance at all. Her friends had to force her out there. Unfortunately I didn't get pictures or video of dancing. I had a great time. I danced with the kids. 

Jake took Emma and Austin over before it was over. I stayed and helped clean up since I'm on the PTA board. 

We also got to look at the kids artwork that night. They used plastic to look like glass to make sculptures and chandeliers like Dale Chihuly.

Valentie's Day

Valentines Day is never a huge deal at our house but it is fun to show my family some love. I did heart hair for both Kaylee and Brooke. 

We had heart shaped pancakes for breakfast and everyone had Valentine treats in their mailbox.

The kids all painted part of this mural as a Valentine for me and Jake.

That night we had our traditional heart shaped pizza and candle light dinner. 

I sure love these people!