Brother X-Squared Returns: Speaks On Barack Obama, Herman Cain, & Has A Shocking Revalation

The We Are Respectable Negroes News Network (WARNNN) is proud to bring you the latest installment in our recurring series of interviews with Brother X-Squared, president of the North American Chapter of the Renewed Black Panther Party.

As long time followers of WARNNN already know, Brother X-Squared is a potent activist, black futurist, and visionary thinker. He is also a noted cultural critic in the greatest tradition of African American commentary and letters. It has been six months since we last spoke with Brother X-Squared. He has been incommunicado and apparently in hiding. Brother X-Squared has promised us an explosive and jaw dropping expose on the future of America. Brother X-Squared has teased that his appearance on WARNNN will be of particular import to Chauncey DeVega, Editor and Founder of We Are Respectable Negroes.

WARNNN: Brother X-Squared, it has been too long. Where have you been? What have you been up to? What is this information that you are going to share with me? Are you safe? Where were you hiding?

Brother X-Squared: Silence child! I see that my absence has allowed your mental musculature and integumentary system of melanin wisdom to atrophy like the little penis of that white sex freak Anthony Weiner from New York. Brother X-Squared is never in hiding! Can you hide from the sun? From its heat? From its rays? The sun and the moon are in a dance and it is only cosmic forces that keep me from irradiating you 24 hours a day! I have taught you so much since we met those years ago. Yet, in my absence it seems that you have taken 5 steps backwards for every 1 step forward! Try again. This time with patience and be deliberate in your speech.

WARNNN: My humble apologies. What have you been up to these last few months? Were they productive?

Brother X-Squared: A little better. Do cicadas come out at night and sing the blues for moon crickets when the slave ship is coming into port?

WARNNN: You lost me, Brother X-Squared...

Brother X-Squared: Even in your confusion and stupidity there is truth. You truly are one of the lost mentally captive negroes in this hellish land called Amerikkka. Once more you do not understand the Negro folk wisdom. Sad. Tragic. Even the evil White Man knows of my wisdom and is making a special computer that can translate metaphors from different languages so that the CIA can spy on people. They will never create a cipher that can beat Brother X-Squared...but that is a talk for another time.

Chauncey, you need to get a copy of Laurence Levine's book Black Culture and Black Consciousness so you can learn something about your own great heritage as a Nubian! The answer is yes! I have been productive! I have put plans into motion that are still bearing fruit, I am a perpetual self sustaining nuclear reactor that is powered by my melanin. I have foreseen the decline of America. It is here as we speak! The visions came to me while I led a special month long training retreat for my soldiers in the North American Chapter of the New Black Panther Party.

WARNNN: What did you discover?

EcoSoul's Draft Picks for Osama Bin Laden

Recent news outlets have reported that in the journals of Bin Laden he wanted to recruit the oppressed people of the United States and focused on blacks and Latinos.

Well, I have great candidates for al-Qaeda that I just suggested to Fox News. You should see the comments over there. Fuuuunnnnnyyy what white ignorance can produce.

Seriously, these are great candidates because they attempt to hide behind their whiteness. Great at the masquerade, but EcoSoul is outting them and enlisting them.

Columba Bush, real name, Columba Gallo Garcia (George Bush's sister-in-law)

Charlie Sheen, real name, Carlos Estevez (This Latino is winning and loves to slap muthafuckas up on the regular. He will enlist for a lifetime supply of the drug known as Sheen)

La La Vasquez. Now she fits both categories. You can get a 2 for 1 special.

Vin Diesel (According to Fast and Furious movies this negro can reassemble a car in 5 minutes and pull a bitch in 2)

Clarence Thomas, real name, Coon. I know, I know we all thought he was white, but I've got to let you all know, he is a negro.

Eminem, real name, Marshall Jenkins Matthers. This negro is a great candidate because he is always so fucking mad. The angriest negro I've ever met.

Randumb Holiday Weekend Thoughts: Angry White Folks Flying, Cyber Monday, & Well...

I had a great holiday weekend, folks. Actually, I knew it was gonna be great weekend the day before Thanksgiving when I saw white folks on CNN bitching about getting felt up at airport security checkpoints. One dude was righteously indignant about being anally probed after opting out.

Now I can understand if you didn't know opting out of walking through a scanner would result in a three finger anal cavity search without Vaseline a pat down much like bouncers do at a night club minus the cover charge. But damn, don't hit me with the, "Do I look like Osama Bin Laden," after the fact.

Dude was actually on CNN being interviewed and he said that. Not really surprising especially when it's coming from a white person who isn't used to being subjected to such intrusive tactics in the interest of ghetto security. However, it was hilarious hearing white folks declare:

"How dare you ask me to bend over, spread my butt-cheeks, and give you two good coughs! I'm White, Goddammit!! Do I look 3/5ths human, bitch!!!"

Moral of the story: That's what you white folks get for moving out of the hood. Had you people opted to stay there instead of run to the 'burbs, you'd be used to this shit like we black folks are.

Yeah, don't blame this shit on Barack Obama! It's Michael Chertoff, bitches!!

But anyways, I had a great weekend with family and friends. I also celebrated my wedding anniversary on Saturday and had the opportunity to catch Kevin Hart's "Laugh At My Pain" tour stop here in Memphis.

Shit was seriously funny, and my wife was in tears the entire time. No seriously, if you get a chance to catch him on tour, please do so. I promise, it's well worth it, and much better live. And, well, your date might be more willing to have sex with you after the show... yeah, pineapples bitch.

Speaking of marriage and anniversaries... it's Cyber Monday, y'all! As you know, the Thanksgiving holiday weekend is the jump-off to the Christmas holiday season. And who needs getting trampled outside of stores and America's modern slave plantation, Wal-Mart, when there's Cyber Monday! I gotta tell you, nothing sells like convenience in this country and I love it!

Seriously, being at work today getting paid to shop online and take advantage of those huge discounts on internet porn is the shit, son! Cyber Monday has only been around 5yrs, but I'm glad that someone somewhere found it imperative to fully embrace online porn; and, decided to keep the "cyber" in cyber-sex for the promotion of commerce. Hey, gotta keep the "Christ" in Christmas, no?

Lastly, I wanna give a big shout out, and mad props to the good folks over at No Wedding, No Womb. We've had our differences in the past, but it's great to see that my influence has served as a shift in paradigm from the unrealistic idea of no sex (or kids) before marriage. Maybe they caught the latest article in Time Magazine, Who Needs Marriage? A Changing Institution.

It's really good that these folks have now spurned the idea of shaming black women and single motherhood, to go as far as to create a new theme song for the movement. A song that better carries the "message" that is #NWNW. A song (and message) which will be better embraced by the black community. A song that says a lot more than "get your tubes tied and have all the raw sex you want."

Checkout their new theme song and video:

Convicted Murderer Uses Facebook from Prison

Because of Social Networking, I don't even talk to people in real life anymore. Being an actual live talking human being is so 2004. When people in real life try to speak to me, because of social networking, I assume they're poor, live under a bridge, and will work for food. No seriously, I really do assume that.

Yeah I know that may sound callous, but it is the reality of the worlds within which we live; yes, there are two Americas: one with access to social networking and one without. And in 2010, this is just pathetic, folks.

Think about it, chances are, the very reason you're reading this site right now is due in large part to a social network site. And that's the beauty of it; because of social networking, like me, you're now able to trust people, even if you've never met them, nor ever will. And to me, that makes the world a better place, no?

Personally, I think it's a crime against humanity that so many people aren't able to access social network sites outside of the occasional office computer block-out. Surely the toothless Appalachian is deprived and are forced to live a horrible and destitute life by not having access to social network sites.

I mean no internet pretty much explains those drunken moonshine nights fueled by meth, and that's a crime. Speaking of crimes, checkout the following story of what happened down in Mississippi recently:

Thinking Allowed

 Or: Thinking Aloud...

Quick! Stash away your brain. Yes, you know that gelatinous matter between your ears? I realize many of you don’t use most of it (the unused percentage being higher for teabaggers and their black and brown enablers). However, the editors here at the Intersection of Madness and Reality Blog have discovered that your brain is illegal. The U.S. government has criminalized the chemical compounds of peyote, even though one of them (dopamine) is a primary neural transmitter in the human brain. Our brains also produce anandamide, a substance that’s nearly identical to THC, the active ingredient in marijuana.

::watches disdainfully as some fools set their brains on fire::

BTW: So much for the “they hate us and our freedoms” perspective of Islam. According to my computations (not really) more than 1.2 billion Muslims live under democratically elected governments, and there is a steady movement towards democratization, civil rights, and political freedom in many other Islamic nations (click here for source).

And check out this item from our “Good News/ Bad News” department: The U.S. Air force has complied with the Environmental Protection Agency’s ban on ozone-destroying chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs). It has removed CFCs from the cooling systems of ballistic missiles that carry nuclear warheads. “If they are ever fired,” Access to Energy reported, “there will be an environmentally friendly nuclear holocaust.”

::blank stare::

A blind German clairvoyant named Ulf Buck claims he can foretell people’s future by feeling their naked buttocks. At last! A man I can admire. I’ve been trying to tell women this all my adult life! Believe me, if I can feel your naked buttocks, sweetie, I will definitely be able to tell your immediate future (“I see you experiencing a refreshing soreness and deeply felt sense of surrender in the near future.”)

Queen of England has a message for Americans in response to BP oil spill

I'm not sure if the recent terrorist attack on America by BP could actually be the start to World War III, or maybe a rematch of that whole American Revolution/We-Kicked-Your-Ass-England, thing. I mean, something has to come out of this whole conflict besides a stupid draw in the World Cup soccer match between USA & Great Britain. And quite frankly, another timely gift of a preloaded iPod from President Barack Obama just won't be enough to ease the tensions between both great nations.

So, in light of the obvious hate America has for the Tea & Crumpet Taliban, the Queen has decided to share some thoughts. I mean somebody has to say something as tensions build between both countries, right? I mean, she can't be any worse than BP CEO, Tony Hayward. Besides, like New York mayor Michael Bloomberg said in defense of Hayward, “The guy that runs BP didn’t exactly go down there and blow up the well.”

Um, don't shoot the messenger:

Facebook has racially insulted me, and I'm calling the NAACP

You know, racism shows up in the weirdest of places. A few days ago I told you about the Los Angeles chapter of the NAACP and their fight against Hallmark card racism, in the aisle of a local Walmart [read here]. Yep, that racism sure will sneak up on you and surprise even an experienced racism ambulance chaser such as myself. Case in point, checkout what my arch-nemesis "Mr. Racism" did to me this morning as I logged on to my Facebook fan page:

Now if you're ever on Facebook, you probably get pissed off at their "suggestions" that show up on your homepage. Every day they'll "suggest" that I say "hi", or reconnect with someone who you don't even remember from High School. And if that's not bad enough, they "suggest" you become friends with some person that you "might" know, who just happens to be connected to one of your contacts!

Hey Facebook, here's a "suggestion": Dump those stupid YoFarmMafiaVille Apps that people keep sending me invitations to! Yeah, how about you "suggesting to other people," that they stop sending me that stuff!!

I never follow or take heed to any of their suggestions, and I guess they're tired of it. I mean, what else would explain them encouraging me via my Fan page to send a gift of watermelon slices to my friends and readers? But then again, I could be wrong. Maybe they're just tired of all my racism chasing posts and they decided to "learn me," as some of my Midwest and Southern folks would say. Yeah, that sounds plausible.

Surely if I took them up on their "suggestion", the six hundred or so subscribers to my Fan page would think it's a joke. That said, maybe I should put away my racism chasing glasses and follow up on their suggestion. After all, it had to be an attempt at Negro humor by the good folks over at Facebook, right?

Maybe I'll send out actual pairs of watermelon shoes pictured above to my fellow Facebook racism chasers. Yeah, maybe that's better than Facebook's "gift shop" suggestion. Coming from me, surely they'll get the joke.

Click to join my Fan Page

Los Angeles NAACP chapter finally solves the city's racial problem

I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thng, but apparently racism is on a decline here in America. Well, maybe not America entirely; but at least out in Los Angeles. I mean, I could be wrong; hell, I'm just a freelance racism chaser with a blog. But when professionals like the Los Angeles chapter of the NAACP stars finding racism in the Hallmark card section of Walmart, what are people like me supposed to think:

CULVER CITY, Calif. (KABC) — A graduation card sold at local stores has been pulled from shelves after a civil rights group raised concerns about the content. The group claims the card’s micro-speaker plays a greeting that’s racist.

It is a graduation greeting from Hallmark that says, “Hey world, we are officially putting you on notice.”

Members of the Los Angeles NAACP did take notice. As characters known as “Hoops” and “Yoyo” banter on, African American leaders hear offensive language.

“And you black holes, you are so ominous. Watch your back,” the card vocalizes.

“That was very demeaning to African American women. When it made reference to African American women as whores and at the end, it says ‘watch your back,’” said Leon Jenkins of the Los Angeles NAACP.

When Hallmark was reached by phone, they said the card is all a misunderstanding. The card’s theme is the solar system and emphasizes the power of the grad to take over the universe, even energy-absorbing black holes.

The card company says the card speaks about the power the grad will wield.

“The intent here is to say that this graduate is not afraid of anything,” explained Hallmark spokesman Steve Doyal.

But that’s not what some people heard.

“You hear the ‘r’ in there. ‘Whores,’ not, ‘holes.’ The ‘r’ is in there,” said Minnie Hatley of the Los Angeles NAACP.

Hallmark sent Eyewitness News a transcript of what the card says, but Hatley says that the actual audio raises questions.

I don't know if you agree with the NAACP on this one or not. All I can say is that obviously out in L.A. things have changed. Once upon a time minorities were caught on tape being beaten by cops; being acquitted of murdering rich white women; and, rioting while throwing the occasional brick at unsuspecting white truck drivers!


But not today, folks; and the NAACP has obviously done a fine job of eradicating the once racial climate that was Los Angeles. Hell, I might just pack up my family and move out there. Shit, at least I won't have to worry about some graduation card calling one of my daughters a "black hole." I mean that's obviously worse than being called a bitch by one of those Compton gangster rappers, right? Oh snap!! I forgot the NAACP was successful in stopping those gangster rappers when they buried the word "nigger" a few years ago.

Way to go Colored folks!

BREAKING NEWS:Lil Wayne is Sandra Bullock's baby daddy!

I'ono y'all, but I'm feeling like something ain't right with this whole adoption thing, and how it all just came out of nowhere. Shoot, for all we know, why ya' bullshittin, this is prolly why Jesse James stepped out with the next chick! I'm just sayin', how you 'posed to be the man with your skinhead buddies when yo' woman creep with a black dude with a yuckmouth?

I mean c'mon, the kid is New Orleans, right? Didn't have like 4 or 5 chicks pregnant all at the same time? Of course that don't mean nuthin 'cuz Lil Wayne leaves his skeet in all fifty states and Puerto Rico. But I think there's more to it than we really know, son. But anyway, checkout the exclusive interview with Lil Louis and tell me if I'm lyin'. Word is born, son? I think they coached that kid on this whole adoption thing, yo:



Nah, nah, nah son... I ain't buyin' that adoption story. But son, I swear, I put this on e'ry thing! When this lil dude starts smokin' weed, tottin' burners and catchin' charges, yo? Don't say I ain't never told y'all. I'm just sayin', don't belee e'ry thing ya hear in the media! And I know you ain't gon' tell me that baby don't look like him...

Ya'heard?

H/T: AverageBro.com

She's Not Gonna Have Sex With You Dude

So it's no shock that women don't appreciate the exploitation of women in these mags. Contrary to popular belief, some of these publications DO hide a decent article or album review beneath all the bikinis and booty so I'll continue to flip through them for just that.

Some say that men who condone the exploitation of women are worse than the women who allow themselves to be exploited. I don't feel like arguing that today. I don't care either way because I know something that most men & women don't: The cover girls of Maxim, King, Smooth, FHM, and Stuff aren't having sex with men like us!

They lie in their interview and say dumb stuff like.

"I just want a man who can treat me right. I need a regular guy."

You know why they say that?

Because it's regular guys who buy these publications, not the rich men that are taking them on trips to Tahiti for no reason. The interview gives you, 'Jim J McRegular Guy' the illusion of chance. You read the interview and you start thinking that you have a chance at one of these gorgeous women.

Newsflash asshole...You don't.

You want to see something funny ladies, watch a group of men look at one of these magazines. You'll see us all crowded around the magazine like a laptop with a porno playing. And then one dude in the group hollers out...

"Man if I was dating her, you couldnt tell me nothing !! Man Imma go to L.A. and pull her. Go, put my mack down."

What are you talking about? You work 7 hours a week at Dairy Queen, Vida Guerra DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. You're not even on the Blizzard machine yet. You still make Chili dogs. Lower your expectations and give the girl at the Dollar Store your phone number. She's half way cute, her limp is kind of sexy, and taking her to Wal-Mart would be the equivalent of taking Vida Guerra to Tahiti.

Little Known Black History : Harriet Tubman was a Freak! And the sexiest Abolitionist ever!

Yeah, I know it's hard to believe; especially since all the pics of her reinforces that angry black woman stereotype. Judging from the picture above, either she took her work seriously, or had some pent up sexual frustrations. I mean who has time to think about sex when trying to help others escape the clutches of slavery, right? Surely even the female version of Moses, Harriett Tubman, had her urges, right? Yep, and how come nobody ever mentions her husband John Tubman, and where was he when she was out helping slaves?


No but seriously, could you imagine gettin' your freak on on the Underground Railroad back in the day? Obviously it's hard to conceive wrapping it up, or protecting yourself from HIV/AIDS when being chased by bloodhounds and slave catchers when you're fresh off of gettin' your ass beat for dozing off while picking cotton. Just the thought alone could serve well as a potential Viagra commercial. But then again, now that I think of it, maybe that's why we have so many babies and unprotected sex as we do today.

Yep, we's free now!

I'm not gay, and because of it, I'm not going to hell

Well, yeah, I'm not gay, and thank God I'm not because I just so happen to be the marrying type. I love the "sanctity" of marriage so much that I'm on my second go-around at it. Which when I think the idea of gay marriage I just wanna reach out and slap all gay people in America currently bitching about not being able to enjoy the blissful sanctimonious institution that I - a heterosexual male - has the privilege of enjoying. I mean they scream about equality but yet fail to realize that the government - be it state or federal - is actually looking out for them.

That's right; the government's just doing its part to ensure that gay people get to heaven. I mean its bad enough that they engage in those un-godly perverse sex acts which goes against all of God's laws of intercourse written in the fine print in the bible. But no, now they want marriage equality? How the hell are they supposed to get into heaven if they're allowed to do that? If you ask me, denying them the right to marry does them a huge favor. And no I'm not talking about having to be a part of the 50% divorce statistic.

But like I said, thankfully I'm not gay and I don't have to worry about violating God's law of marriage as presented in the bible. My current wife and my ex both had a child before we tied the knot; a child by someone other than myself. And all I can say is that it's a good thing the bible recognizes virgin births because I'd sure hate to have to kill them both under the watchful auspices of the “Most High” heterosexual because being gay wasn’t his choice.

Sorry gay folks, but youse people should just repent for your sins now so you can direct the choir in heaven as you already do here on earth every Sunday. Besides, be thankful that you don't have to meet the fate as those lying-ass non-virgin heterosexual women who get married. Yep, it's better to be alive and gay than a dead heterosexual "Just Married" woman the morning after the marriage is consummated as we do, right?

So they're remaking We Are the World, without having a Michael Jackson séance? And Lil' Wayne & T-Pain on the track??

So I heard the other day that they were remaking the USA for Africa 80s classic We Are The World as a charitable effort to help victims of the earthquake in Haiti. Then I heard that Lil' Wayne was gonna be one of the artists featured in the song and singing Bob Dylan's part, no less. My first inclination was to run up on somebody and do a Rambo, just because. I mean did they invite him to be on the track because, well, he himself looks like a starved child from the Sudan? But then I heard they also invited Fonzworth Bently; you know, Pdiddy's jigging no talent havin' umbrella carrying Negro man-servant?

Surely inviting Lil' Wayne had nothing to do with him being a top selling popular Hip Hop artist, and had more to do with the sympathy factor, right?  Nothing like seeing a malnourished looking black guy with gold in his mouth covered in tattoos to bring white folks to tears. OK, yeah, so I don't particularly care for Lil' Wayne; you got me; guilty as charged. However, I heard what he said at the end of a recent press conference discussing the remake and, well, I'll let you check it out:

Tiger slept with Octomom & had Gary Coleman

So everybody's favorite ashy black Keebler elf got arrested again, for domestic violence. Maybe it's just me, but it's hard for me to even imagine him even thinking about raising his hands on a woman with his little ass. If anything, as far as domestic violence if concerned I can see him getting kicked around the rooms of his home by his wife. Have you seen her? Yeah, she's like the white female version of Manute Bol but not as cute. Uh-huh, and I can see her throwing Ashy Gary around like an over-used jizz rag. But him beating her up? Oh well, I guess when "The Gooch" kicked your ass and took your lunch money everyday as a kid at school you're bound to snap at some point.


In all seriousness, I really feel bad for the guy, especially when I look at that mugshot. Poor bastard looks like an Ewok who just got a bad check from George Lucas. Jokes aside, it's a wonder he hasn't killed himself or has yet become cracked out like his big brother Todd Bridges used to be. I swear life just ain't fair. My man was a big star back in the day, but his most recent appearance on television was on Divorce Court. Which pretty much sucks when you think of all the midgets gettin' work on cable TV on TLC. Personally I think someone should give him a reality show and put some money in his pockets, but that's just me.

But anyway, checkout what my homie of the blog Throat Chop University has to say about Gary Coleman and a lot more in the following video because it's mad funny. You can follow my man on Twitter @ThoatChopU for daily laughs, as well as subscribe to his channel on YouTube - ThroatChopU:

Systematic Failure: Stop Snitching as a threat to National Security

Well, hopefully Barack Obama doesn't have to appear as tired looking as he did the other day to talk about this one in a press conference to make "certain people" feel better. And thank God this one didn't involve a major airline, a Nigerian, dingy ass underwear, and a bomb. However, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to ask: is this another one of those "systematic failures" he mentioned when assertively speaking on the recent terrorist attempt  as he did yesterday?

According to Barry-O somebody was asleep at the wheel, and as a result the "Undie Bomber" was able to sneak into the country by hopping over a fence all because he wanted to work at a food processing plant for $4.35 an hour. Which brings us to the above photo and the following story from Rikers Island, the beacon of competence when it comes to using other inmates to intimidate uncooperative prisoners at the facility.

A correction officer has been disciplined for dozing on the job after a colleague snapped a picture of her asleep while on post at a Rikers Island infirmary, officials said yesterday. 

A clearly conked-out Nadja Green is leaning in a chair with her head back, arms folded, eyes closed and mouth open. 

But even more alarming is an amused inmate seen hovering above her, mere inches from a set of keys that hangs from her belt. 

The picture was circulated around the department, and a source e-mailed it to The Post. 

Green was transferred on the island and placed on modified duty watching female inmates. She will face charges of sleeping on the job and other security- and performance-related charges. 

"We do not expect this type of behavior or performance from our officers, nor do we tolerate it," said city correction spokesman Steve Morello. 

The officer who took the picture, Claudel Barrau, was also transferred and placed on modified duty. 

Morello said possession and use of cellphones in jails, even by guards, is prohibited.(Source: New York Post)

Recently I heard the New York City crime rate is at a record low, and I guess this is proof of it. But then again, in the New York Post article a prison source called her "the Precious of Corrections," referencing the movie to describe the woman pictured above. OUCH! Damn, did they really have to go there just because she's the mother of several children as the article states? Surely it was her difficult upbringing and her bad ass kids and not the fact that she worked 96 hours of overtime this month that's responsible for her falling asleep on the job. But hey, you know how lazy and shiftless those Negroes are, right?

HP Webcams are NOT racist, & here's why...

So what's this story I hear about an HP webcam that doesn't recognize big noses, big lips, and gold fronts? I've read a few headlines in the blogosphere, and being the racism ambulance chaser I had to check it out:

New Rule: No more Black Santa Claus!

Am I the only one with a problem when I see black men dressed as Santa Claus? I mean no joke, that shit bugs me. It's bad enough that we lie to our kids and have them believing that Santa is real. But damn, do we have to insult the intelligence of our children by presenting the fraud that is Black Santa? I mean c'mon! How many black men or black families are there with the last name Claus.

I'm sorry, but I seriously doubt whether the Claus' were plantation owners. And besides if Santa was Black, I'm sure he would have already been shot or in jail for breaking into the homes of white people to "allegedly"  drop off gifts. I'm all about diversity and all, but I have yet to see an Asian, East Indian, Arabian or Mexican Santa. Must "we" continue with this charade for the sake of assimilation.

Do Christians have Oral or Anal Sex?

So in Washington DC yesterday they voted and approved gay marriages; way to go DC not giving in to the pressure from the black church! But ironically on the very same day world renowned Televangelist minister Oral Roberts dies at the age of 91. Not trying to be a conspiracy theorist or anything, but is God trying to tell us something here? I mean is this his way of promoting "Oral" sex? I'm sure the kids at Oral Roberts University would like to know as well be cause the fate of them becoming a noted party school in America rests on this information. Yeah I know that wasn't funny but I had to go there... sue me.

But since I'm already there I have to ask this next question. Since God doesn't like homosexuality of any kind per the religious fundies among us, does he get pissed off when hetero-minded people engage in oral or anal sex? By chance was that rule on that piece of rock Moses accidentally dropped and broke? I mean I'd like to know because the last thing I'd like to happen is to be standing at the pearly gates and getting turned away by the bouncer because, well, you get my drift. I mean the Christian Porn genre hasn't actually taken off just yet as I think it should so I'm curious.

And one last thing: am I wrong every time I hear the term "pearly gates" and the image of my wife's vagina comes to mind? I mean that's my version of heaven and I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the idea of other people lining up to get through those gates. So can one of you bible thumpers clue me in on some of this stuff in my head today? Inquiring and horny minds would love to know, and hopefully one of you can help me out here because that whole Missionary Position thing is hella old and I think having to pray before sex would be a major downer.

QUESTION: Would you be comfortable with your partner wanting to pray before sex?

That's it, I'm "Going Rogue"...!!!

Yeah I realize that's kinda hard for a black guy to pull off. I mean nine times out of ten people of color are perceived as being "rogues" - especially if they're progressive or slightly left of center politically by the color aroused folks among us. But going rogue I'm sure has it's benefits like it did for this white lady I never heard of before September 2008.


Shit, going rogue is so cool that it allows you to walk off your job and travel the country - something that I've been dying to do by the way. Who cares that have to put together some convenient untruths in the form of a best seller further proving how effective the dumbing down of America has become. I wouldn't mind it one bit especially if there is free clothes in it for me and my family because that's just the American way; nothing like a well dressed mavericky/rogue-ish family.

Starting with this very blog post I am about to become the rogue-est of the rogues out there...I'm broke nigga, I'm broke! Now let's see if I could find supporters like these to make this happen:

Aretha Franklin, Aretha Franklin, Aretha Franklin lemme rock ya Aretha Franklin that's all I wanna do Aretha Franklinnnn!

Every time I read, hear, or see the name Lady Gaga I think of fellatio, but when I see her I think of puke. Yep, and then there was this mess. What the fuck is wrong with Aretha Franklin? I mean I know it gets cold in the city of Detroit, but that's not exactly the reason to leave your house looking like a cross be tween the lion from The Wiz and Chewbacca. Seriously Aretha, this shit has to stop, and stop right now.

I could be wrong, but when someone is the queen of soul, I'd like to think they take more care as to how they present themselves when in the spotlight. I dunno, things in Detroit are tough economically and people are in need of money and all. But did you really have to hire Stevie Wonder to pick out your wardrobe?

Have you seen Stevie's hairline lately Aretha?!

Aretha, you're Black royalty, and especially since Michael Jackson is now dead and gone, I'm gonna need you to take this Queen shit more seriously. Earlier this year when you wore that big-ass ugly green puke colored hat at the presidential inauguration and people roasted you I figured you'd get the hint. But what did you do for an encore Aretha? You show up at the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Lighting looking like a grizzly bear pissed off because someone woke him up from hibernation too early.

Lemme guess, PETA offered to save your house from foreclosure last year if you would stop wearing fur, and you're mad that they put you, your highness, on blast, right? I understand, I wouldn't want people to know that I'm broke or having financial troubles either. Yep, fuck PETA! I hate them skinny salad eating vegetarian fuckers Aretha. They should have gave you the money on the low and not put you out there like that.

But one question: weren't your titties cold in that Manhattan air? Surely your head, face and ass wasn't with all that dead rabbit covering it, but what about the titties Aretha? Yeah, I know them things are huge and you love putting them out there like that; and trust me, I like them. But damn, you're like 84yrs old Aretha! Your titties could have caught pneumonia, or worse, the Swine Flu. I'm just sayin'... in the summer time that's cool if you wanna come out in a tank-top from Forever 21 as you're known to do, but, er, um, in the dead of winter Aretha?

Look, I'm gonna stop for now because the last thing I wanna do is not R-E-S-P-E-C-T the queen. But I'd be damned if her face in the pic above doesn't look like the head of a penis poking out from under the extra uncircumcised foreskin of some Negroes dick....[pause].... um, definitely not a good look there your majesty.