Time To Dry

Bladerunner star admitted to alcohol rehab

It Just Annoys Me

Oh Now You tell Us

“I said not to sit in that electric chair when it’s plugged in and you’re just wet from a swim,” is basically what the the FSA is saying when it sagely warns there are three signs that some mortgages may be difficult to maintain:

The mortgage is over 25 years.

It is for more than 90% of the property.

The amount borrowed is more than 3.5 times the person’s income.

You don’t say.

So where were they when the market was being pushed up by wallys taking out massive mortgages by lying about their salaries?

Thanks guys.

Next week sage advice about if a bank lends to a lot of people who can’t pay back the money then it’s a bad idea.

It's Their Own fault

Doctors say the NHS wasn't meant to treat ill people. "Quite frankly we have a lot of people turning up to surgeries and hospitals with illnesses and broken bones and things and we're just wasting resources on treating them," said Tobias Quackery, surgeon general of the General Medical Council.
In casualty they bleed and leave goo everywhere, he continued, and if you put them in a bed they just catch a cold or something and start complaining.
The government agrees and in an effort to focus patient care most hospitals will be sited in countryside at least five miles from a road and patients will have to walk to the hospital.
This should cut out any cases of people wilfully breaking their legs walking in front of cars and other malingerers who expect ambulances and helicopters to ferry them around everywhere.
So people with cancer and other malingerers can sort themselves out, said GP Susannah Cough, if you trip over whilst drinking a Pinot Grigio in a wine bar, get your chums to put a bandage on that head.
"It's very annoying having the waiting room full of coughing and hacking people, I find it very difficult to concentrate."
Old people will have to shuffle off somewhere else, "It's basically their fault for getting old, in the past they would have been left to go doolally and die of starvation or burnt as witches when they got annoying," said NHS chief administrator Tony Eichmann.
Maternity services will be radically reshaped said Al Johnson, the NHS lederine, “if those tarts want to get banged up they can start saving for their own forceps and towels.”
The government is thinking of extending this radical strategy to the police. Many "victims of street crime" are guilty of thrill seeking on a Friday night and it going wrong or fecklessly choose to live in the wrong areas.

Blow That Horn Girl

Face?

If you must vote @@

Hain Investigator Appointed

For You Zhe Transport Avaits

Heartening to hear Deutsche Bahn has taken over Chiltern Railways and even more heartening that it has stuck its hand up and said yes they were its trains transporting the jews and the other untermensch out of Germany to Poland so efficiently. So we can look forward to a much more efficient service, though obviously standing room only and it might be a bit cramped and on a long journey that bucket might get a bit full and you'd probably be wise to sew your gold heirlooms into your clothes.

"The transport to Birmingham is now at platform 3."

Hopefully there won't be any fare dodging or reprisals will be taken.

And when you get on the train and somebody wishes you good luck, remember don't reply in English.

DonnerGate

Jacqui's kebab becomes clearer thanks to IcSouthLondon. Jacqui hasn't replied to my email not even a we're dealing with it email.

She went to Katies to get a kebab with a gentleman with"broad shoulders."

The website is worried that this might hit the reputation of Peckham, not a home sec hanging around throwing chips but this close personal protection thing and asks

"Do you need a bodyguard to visit a Peckham kebab shop?"

Boot on T'other Foot

Police Estimates

If the police say there were a 18,000 on their plod around London do we double the figure?

I Didn't Think Canada was that Boring

Canadian considered eating own leg to survive.

OUCH!

Planners urged to put cyclists and walkers in front of cars.

Fearful Oiks

Top Universities Fail To Spend £3m To Attract Poor Students

Quite right, smelly oiks, sitting in the common room drinking Diamond White and twocking our cars.

Why should the middle classes have to give up their universities and scjhools to let smelly working class people in.

Heath Ledger Unbelievable

"Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self indulgence"--

Wiggs Dannyboy

in

Jitterbug Perfume

by

Tom Robbins

Unbelievable news about Heath Ledger commiting suicide. Unbelievable he could be such a self-indulgent, self-pitying, self-centered, spineless little git. Why would he commit suicide? How hard could things be for a star. One film in the can, another to do coming up.

But all suicides are like that selfish self-obsessed little whiners. Oh isn't life so bad.

Look this counts for everybody. From the lowliest to the highest; things ain't that bad are they?

There may be times when suicide is an option but usually only to save yourself from being tortured by fascists (or any other oppressive state including the WI) when capture is imminent, see the Warsaw uprising, but not as a spy, your duty is to last as long as possible until the organization is reorganized, or maybe as some sort of tokenistic gesture such as the 47 ronin . Of course if you have a terminal disease and think this is the way to go then yes reach for the valium.

But please don't be so self indulgent as to commit suicide if you're feeling mightily pissed-off. This guy left a daughter and wife. Presumably somebody had to find his body, maybe it was one of them. That's nice Heath. Well done.

There was a guy, being laid off from a b ig insurance company, his wife was divorcing him, he was a bit pissed off, hung himself in the garage, his teenage daughter found him. Ahhhhh didums sad was he? pity his daughter had to go through that and his wife. But also completely pointless, he was being laid off with a massive pay-off, OK he'd split everything with his wifey 50/50 but still he was looking at a situation where he could virtually do anything he wanted. Get a second career, run off be a painter, shag lots of women just because he could. No he had to do the passive aggressive thing and try to hurt everybody around him. Lameass.

OK it might be bad to speak ill of the dead but not in these cases, they wanted to be dead, to be the focus. A bit like Sylvia Plath, but don't get me started.

Of course if Heath overdosed, sorry mate for all that stuff above but you're still an arse for doing the overdosing thing.

Quick Work

The creepy man pictured in the News of the World who might have taken Maddy.
The picture comes from the newspaper asking a tourist who had filed a report with the police what she had seen.
Two questions: Goofy teeth? they had to be goofy teeth didn't they; the drawing has only now been done, maybe his hair has got longer and his teeth goofier as time went on and on the question of time, why now and not back then?????
What is the Portuguese for "Pull your finger out why don't you?"

Three Questions about a Kebab

Jacqui Smith said she wouldn't walk the streets of Hackney. Things not that bad then Jacqui? We're luckily not faced with the daunting prospect of Jacqui Smith asking us "Any business ?" as the Home Secretary is just plain scared to walk the streets of Hackney or even, hang on to your hankies, the mean boulevards of Kensington and Chelsea.

Well that's what she told the Sunday Times but apparently an aide, that's a PR spin controller, rang to say that it didn't come out as she had intended.

Oh!

and continued to say

"She said Smith had recently “bought a kebab in Peckham” at night. The south London district is one of the most deprived in the capital. "

Really?

Let's think about this, you won't walk the streets of Hackney but will get a kebab in Peckham. Just off the top of my head I think the odds would be more in your favour in Hackney than Peckham.

Mmmmmmm must have have talked to one of her six body guards

"Hey Len, what can I say that makes me sound hard?"

"Errrrrr, you bought a kebab in Peckham?"

Or, maybe, it was just memories of Only Fools and Horses in the rarefied atmosphere of the Spin meisters office.

"Oh, fecking-a-cock-a-doodle-do-do what can we say that sounds hard?"

"Oh gosh....errrrr....ooooh I know where was that program about those frightful oiks the Trotters made?

"Peckham. Where is that do you think?"

I can see the T-Shirts now. "I bought a Kebab in Peckham and survived.

What I'd like to know is where did she buy the kebab?

What sort of kebab it was?

When she bought it?

Would it have been Sam's Kebabs on Bellenden Road or the Troy Kebab House on Old Kent Road?

Sounds like spin-doctor bollocks to me.

But prove me wrong.

Fischer Check Mated

Fischer

The Flying Prince

Prince William takes off. A nation cheers. "The prince is making rapid progress and should move onto jets quite soon," the chief flunkey of the royal bidet and suppositories said after the succesful take-off.

Ooooooooooooooooooops jets already? Maybe too soon.

The Rules

Go check out Guido's rules for online news blogging. Top stuff.

Oh I'll save you the time.

Content. Original relevant content. Go get the story.

Don't follow the herd. Have a clear unique online personality.

Updating regularly is hard work, if you have nothing new to say,
nobody will read you. Link to hot news at least.

You Evil Little Fucker

Speaking as a sort of card carrying liberal sort of person not really into the death sentence (except for genocidal crimes) I'd cheerfully shoot this evil little fucker. Released on bail, kills a dad 8 hours later by kicking his head like a football. But thinking about it you know he probably isn't that bright, probably comes from a very challenging background, he's probably got nobody to love him. I'd still shoot the little fucker. Oh, and these other two.

BloomBorg - You Will be Assimulated

There are financial newswires companies and then there's BloomBorg. Compared to BloomBorg other newswire companies, Reuters or is it Thomson? Dow Jones or is it NewsCorp? are all just free-wheeling, lotus-eating, hippy-dippy mavericks of the electric word.

There's the BloomBorg way or No Way.

It has it's own special robotic way of writing stories, it's own drone culture and even free food to keep everybody at their desks forever. Sure it pays well as it assimulates you into the BloomBorg matrix, but is it worth it? You take part in one of the great corporate dramas where it tries to make a crisis out everyday incidents. Where, if you decide to move on there is the threat "You'll never work here again." And you have to complete a leaving interview,

"Why are you leaving?" As if it's going to do anything about anything about its corporate culture of I shit on you, you shit on them, they shit on somebody else.

So here's a rant from Matthew Winkler the BloomBorg Queen of the drones, think Darth Vader without those quirky little characteristicsof once being human, "The enemy is human."

And finally if you need to be convinced then know that Michael BloomBorg, the owner of BloomBorg is Mayor of New York city where the police have been lying about, beating and terrorising cyclists who try to have a Critical Mass once a month.

If he hates cyclists he ain't human.

Barné ! Merde Alors

St Reatham OK

Claaaaaam OK

Barné Vous me payer ma tete!

you'll have to be a Londoner to get this but if you're interested they are Streatham of course, then Clapham and now it's Barnet.

enfin

Veuillez agréer, Madames et messieurs, l'expression de mes salutations distinguées.

et maintenant J'espere je puis caresser l'espoir pour boire une biere ou deux.

au revoir

St Reatham

How dare the Daily Express, the Greatest Newspaper in the World, call Streatham a "run-down south London suburb."

I, of course, immediately fired off a letter to the editor of that redoubtable organ.

Dear Sir or Madam

I'd like to take issue with you describing Streatham as a run-down south London suburb. It is quite clearly not. We have a full range of services enjoyed by many other parts of London. We have banks, as you may have noticed the other day when it was reported in many papers that the HSBC on the High Road had been robbed. We have lots of supermarkets, with an especially splendidly stocked Lidl, no waitrose as yet but soon. There are a full range of leisure facilities in Streatham, we have an ice rink, yes the one where that boy was shot. If you go down the hill from the High Road, straight past the yellow sign talking about kerb crawling there is the beautiful Lido, open throughout the summer. I love the way the very air of Streatham is redolent of our many different cafes and chicken shacks. And running through the middle of Streatham is the High Road like a main circuit cable. On a very special night under those southern stars you might hear the triple; an ambulance, a fire engine and a police van all careering through the traffic jam. To be in Streatham is to be in heaven.

yours etc

The First With Next Month's News

Oh Fuck, Bollocks, Shit, Cunt

When the wrong button gets hit and bollocks get flashed across the wires the those words ring out across the room, the correction gets rushed out but everybody's seen it.

This happened at the Scotsman. The three stories were set-up and ready to go, one for the cut, one for the hold and one for the rise. Oh Fuck, Bollocks, Shit, Cunt and the wrong one gets sent out.

Borrowers' joy as rates cut for second month in a row

By MICHAEL BLACKLEY
HOMEOWNERS, borrowers and businesses are celebrating today after the Bank of England announced a reduction in interest rates for the second consecutive month.The Bank's Monetary Policy Committee made the decision to reduce rates by a quarter point to 5.25 per cent after a range of economic indicators and company results suggested consumers needed a boost to get them spending again.

ooooooooooops fuck.

and here's the proof as they seem to have pulled the page, after only a day of being out there.

Get Harry

Newcastle United will be in for a bit of battering by the sound of it. Check this.

Hilary Tops Out

First Man on Everest

A true great

And worthy of his knighthood. How does this work you get a K for working in the civil service or in a shop selling knickers and stuff and you get a K for being the first on the Top of the World.

Germans Thwarted in Cuddly Kill Plan

The Germans have been thwarted in a dastardly plan to destroy a trio of cuddly polar bear cubs. The evil plan was uncovered at Nuremberg zoo. The zoo had decided they didn't want another cuddly Knut, "no cuddliness, no nothing, for you the cuddliness is over."

The evil plan involved leaving the cubs to be cared for by a pair of chav polar bear mothers, who were more intent on frolicking in frot of crowds of Germans admiring the attack abilities of the bears, and gobbling up treats. The mothers became so deranged, or hypnotised? that one is supposed to have eaten her cubs. Finally, under pressure from the Red Cross the Germans had to rescue the last cub. The cub will now be adored byt he rest of the world as the Germans leaf feverishly through their bilingual dictinaries for "cuddly, adorable bear cub."

It's a Dump, So...

Not Just Poor Results, M&S Poor Results

This has got to be worth a K hasn't it? Some analysts say the 3Q results are shocking, some say terrible and the FTSE-100 agrees, marking down the shares by 20%, at the moment, to 401p.

Well done Sir Stuart Rose for your fantastic services to Marks & Spencer, really well done, I hope you get another honour next time.

Not just a gravy train, a UK gravy train.

God Thank Ya Guvernor

First With Yesterday's News

The Indy gives us timely advice today about the worst day of the year; January 7. I'll store all that advice away about divorces cosmetic surgery the stuff about the samaritans for next year.

Don Life-Jackets Gentlemen and to the Lifeboats

This little bit out of the Guardian's property section is very much in the bell-boy giving you stock tips. Time to get down, put your helmet on and wait for the shit to hit your position.

It's Streatham on a property page. It's advertising new flats in the old Streatham Odeon. Luxury flats, well almost, with a balcony looking out over Streatham High Road.

It's not a great location you have to grow into the High Road, eventually you will develop a fascination with the variety of sirens on the Road and you will saviour getting a fabled triple; fire brigade, ambulance and police all steaming up and down the High Road at the same time. You're unlikely to get the Fantastic Four, I've tried calling the coast guard to Streatham but they won't come. Still, it's a challenging location.

We like to keep Streatham untainted with middle class pretentiousness and general smuggery. No Costa Coffee here, nor Cafe Nero or a mini Marks & Sparks foodie hall jam-packed with the most marvelous zucchini blossoms flown in from Italy this very morning. We were the only place to have a MacDonald's close down, it was too expensive and too pretentious.

So rather like a bumptious bell-hop in 1929 giving one a stock tip in a lift this is the sign that the bubble really is about to burst. £280,000 for a 1 bed room flat here, in Streaters, they're having such a giraffe. My helmet please Sergeant.

Taking the Piss

Top story on Radio 4 about Cap'n Bob Maxwell

His helicopter was on top of the Mirror building, waiting to go, and Cap'n Bob said it's a three hour flight, it's the last chance and went to the edge of the building, unzipped and pissed onto the street below giving the people in the street the chance of sharing in the experience of being pissed on by Robert Maxwell from a great height.

No Expense Spared

Last Orders for Trailerspoons

Wetherspoons are generally awful pubs, who'd go?
They are depressing, tatty and unwelcoming.
Shouldn't they be called Trailerspoons?

But they have got me all of a lather

Wetherspoons have banned parents and kids after two drinks.

I'm split on this, yes kids are really objectionable in pubs and parents sitting there smugly desporting the fruit of their fetid loins while the spawn run screaming around the pub.
How are you supposed to settle down to a comfy little binge with all that racket and smugness? Pubs should be dark, windowless, intimidating and yes smoky places, where serious drinking gets done with nary a fascist pub company should intrude or government moaning about made-up binge drinking guidelines.

Yes they're almost right; kids should be totally banned.

But Wetherspoons are just another example of yet another annoying little trumped shit in this Bliar/Broonshit Britain where they think they can tell you what to do and you have to jump.

But it does sound as if it was some sort of jumped up little git behind the bar making stuff up but Trailerspoons stand by this silly policy. Mmmmmm, responsible drinking. What's the point of going to the pub? An anon texter on radio 5 summed it up

"You do allow binge drinking; I got trashed last Sunday on cider."

There is a general stench of sanctimonious hypocrisy about all this.

How about this from the Bishop's Finger at Smithfield in London. I asked the barmaid for some matches:

"we don't sell them now

why?

well we don't want to encourage smoking since the ban

? whatthefuckabout the cigarette machine in the corner?"

A dictat from on high by the pub company.

This tendency to want to control how people behave and tell them what to do is connected to general control-freakery. A report on spyblog says Britain is the most surveilled society in the developed world. The Privacy International 2007 survey says Britain is an "endemic surveillance society."

So fuck them, Trailerspoons and the dull parents and their even duller offspring and the control freaks who have turned Britain into an endemic surveillance society.

Crystal Clear

Richard Bacon on Radio 5 banging on about the polyp on his vocal chords and Eddie phones in and tells him about his vocal chord operations

"......and at the end my voice was crystal clear

you what???

my voice was crystal clear

oh right, thank you, errr that wasn't the most encouraging of calls."

That Royal Eye Sight Test

read at

Panda Crack Down

Xiang Xiang's death is explained.

Anybody want a panda heart, liver ?

Lawrence Getting High Again

Bye bye

That leaving speech in full

"Errr I'm going now.

I could've got in the England side

this season

but I'm going.

Bye"

Last Post for George MacDonald Fraser

George MacDonald Fraser has died, farewell to the creator of the ultimate cad Flashman.

What a fantastic creation. He was at:

the First Anglo-Afghan War

the retreat from Kabul

last stand at Gandamack

the seige of Jalalabad

the Indian Mutiny

charge of the Light Brigade

the battle of Little Big Horn

second Opium War

Taiping Rebellion

First Anglo-Sikh War

the American Civil war

Rorke's Drift

and his other conquests were:

Judy - father's mistress

Josette

Fetnab - language and sexual tutor in India

Narreeman - he raped her and

she may be have been

his eventual nemesis

Lola Montez

Lady Caroline Lamb - a slave on a slave ship

Susie Willinick - a madam in N'orleans

Cassy

Valla - Russian princess

Aunt Sarah - Valla's aunt

Jind Kaur

Rani Lakshimibai of Jhansi

Lillie Langtry

Ranavalona I

Cleonie - who sells to the injuns

Sonsee-Array

Valla

Yehonala

Caprice

This is a totally weird cover

for one of the Flashman books,

sort of a 60s drug dealer pimp

meets Conan.

E's Wacky

Brunstrom on another trip.