Friday, December 31, 2004
Just Can't Shut the Hell Up.
All over the world, 95 percent of the people I care for, although they may not hold the key to my heart, certainly have held all-access passes for the last fourteen months or so - are already in 2005.I'm here freshly out of the shower, using hot water to wash away warm tears, having subjected my batblogger to an unexpected bout of inclement weather and thinking that, even while we weather my storms, together we can somehow say all that needs to be said.
I believe (and this does not reflect Jen,also's views) that what we say about one blogger encompasses some of what we feel for all of them and our Jen,also is right when she says that all we have are words.
Words are powerful. Words will change your life, if you let them....
37. Who was the best new person you met?
The whole blog world. I can't possibly list all you people here. I'd be here all night. There are a handful of you who I hold in my heart, care and worry about, adore and think of as family. But there is only one first one. Hers was the first blog I ever read, the one that inspired me to start my own. She was the first blog friend who became a real friend. And besides, I'm her BatBlogger. What else is there to say?
Neil and I and all those that I love and miss desperately in the prairies have between 1 and 3 hours left of 2004.
How's it looking from that side, guys?
Is it safe for the rest of us to step over and into?
lyric at post:
..I could lead my life man or I could be led
I could be anything I put my mind to boy
All I gotta do is give myself a half-a chance..color>
Time Present and Time Past
I've been backtracking the last year to pull up posts about T3 so I can finish writing the Thanksgiving post.Whew. Wow. So many things.
And because I was asked to explain the trip a little better ...... this may help the rest of you - otherwise I shall see you all in 2005.
The plan so far is to fly into Perth with my friend Wade in January of 2006, spend a week on Rottnest Island, then three weeks in Sydney so he can introduce me to his entire family of 853 cousins, who would hopefully just take me in and love me. He'd come back to Canada but I would stay either in Sydney for a while or head up to the Daintree for 3 weeks. Then work my way either a) around the bottom of Australia as far as a jumping off point to New Zealand to spend time in Nelson with my Aunt and Uncle doing some kayaking and stuff before continuing on around to Perth to stay at T3's farm for a few months or b) fly to Perth to stay at T3's and then work my way east to New Zealand.
I can stay in New Zealand and Aus for a year each - I'd like to do some more volunteering stuff - I am better with a loose plan - left to my own I tend to just find a place and sit on my ass for long periods of time so I need things to keep me moving. I'd like to go to Bali and stay in a hut on the beach for a while.
I won't be able to work in NZ or Aus (although this job is good for some seriously rocking universal telecom skills so it is always a possibility) but with the British citizenship I can at least do some stuff in the EU so unless there's some compelling reason to stop in London on the way to Aus (ie: all the bloggers in one place for one night!) I probably won't come there until I begin to run out of money. It's so expensive with the exchange rate.
Plus I'm not knowing about the ticket yet - if I get an around the world ticket, there's a time limit and changes are a complete bitch so......step by step may be the best.
And, I have no definite plans to return to Canada nor any obligation to. I'm remortgaging the condo and pulling out the equity for some of the financing but I won't sell it unless I have to.
It's a year away though and although that seems like forever it's really just the blink of a giant eye.
Any and all suggestions would be appreciated and/or shot down with impunity. Suggestions of things to do and things to skip (and yes J,A, Sal and Pob - I have yours written down so no need to repeat).
And...at the end of a year in which I thought my heart would never be alone again and the beginning of a new year caught up in learning how to carry the sorrow of that very thing .... this post and that Leonard Cohen poem that I found they had made a song of the other day...
lyric at post:
..TRUE LOVE LEAVES NO TRACES
(from the album 'DEATH OF A LADIES' MAN')
As the mist leaves no scar
On the dark green hill
So my body leaves no scar
On you and never will
Through windows in the dark
The children come, the children go
Like arrows with no targets
Like shackles made of snow
True love leaves no traces
If you and I are one
It's lost in our embraces
Like stars against the sun
As a falling leaf may rest
A moment on the air
So your head upon my breast
So my hand upon your hair
And many nights endure
Without a moon or star
So we will endure
When one is gone and far
True love leaves no traces
If you and I are one
It's lost in our embraces
Like stars against the sun..color>
Playing Doctor
When I left here in 1996, I had this great doctor. In fact, three of the people I had the hardest time leaving were my hairdresser, my doctor and my acupuncturist. (I'll be you guys couldn't never have guessed one was my hairdresser. ha)Much like the doctor I finally ended up with in Calgary, he figured I knew my body better than anyone and he would basically leave it up to me to tell him what I needed. Which, let's face it, if you're an intelligent and informed person, isn't such a bad thing. (I only went on the internet, looked up symptoms and, convinced I was dying - hightailed it to an emerg clinic ONCE, before I learned that as much as I love the internet, it just wasn't a smart thing to do. And embarrassing to boot.) But that's another story.
I was in for my yearly physical with this doctor once, and during the breast exam (or, the 'boobage feeling' if you're queasy about the other 'b' word) he stops and says, "Hmm, *that* wasn't there last year."
I'm thinking, "Oh COME ON, no one's that good."
He was.
When I left, he just gave me my chart to take with me. I've never heard of that ever happening.
Great guy, much like LFD hugging me when I left Calgary, yanno? You'd think they'd get tired of me and my weird health things pretty quick.
Anyways, I don't know what doctor stuff is like where you are but here, it's impossible to get one and the only ones accepting patients are either new graduates or BAD BAD BAD doctors.
I figure a little begging is in order and called up his office on Wednesday. I explained to the lovely lady who takes care of him that they no longer had my records, had probably expunged me from the computer and he'd given me my charts but I had missed him and it would make my year to be able to return as his patient. I gave her a couple of key points that he may remember about me and she called me yesterday afternoon.
I get to go back.
Now, I don't know if he remembered me or not but oh, man, it really is great news because I'm sure you understand that a good doctor for most people isn't really an issue but for some of us, it may have just saved our sorry little lives at one time or another.
lyric at post:
..so here we lie against each other
these four walls can never hold us..color>
Thursday, December 30, 2004
That Old Black Magic
New Years Eve 2004. It looms. A little.Okay, a lot.
I had briefly considered (VERY briefly) going out before realizing I was completely insane for even thinking the thought. I usually stay home and I think 5 out of the 9 New Year's I was in Calgary were spent at home with the dog, some movies and a couple bottles o' plonk.
This year, in a city that, really, we should just imagine I've never lived in before due to the amount of people I have no desire to contact or, for that matter, *haven't* contacted since I got here two months ago - well, there's not a whole lot to do. I live out in the boonies and if the last couple weeks have taught me anything it's that alcohol is bad. As I get older, it's not so shit hot anyways but right now it's like the hand of God shoving me down the well of despair and poking me in the forehead over and over and over. For two days.
So, the choice comes down to either going to Lester's or staying home. There's some big thing going on in Lester's town that I'm sure they're going to but if I go with the "does this choice go away or towards what I want" formula, then the breakdown looks like this:
Twoish hours of travelling time, say 15 bucks in gas (Miss Betsy LaRu is very good with the gases). Ticket for whatever is going on, say 20 bucks (it's a small town); my portion of the cab, 4 bucks; the five or ten drinks I'd have before collapsing into hysterical drunken tears for the rest of the night, say 20 bucks (Lesley always buys what usually seems like every round but two). Let's not even itemize the frustration of my friends and the exhaustion and depression of the next day and the day after that. But we should mention the McDonald's I would have to eat in an attempt to deflect some of the hangover, say 6 bucks.
OR. Stay home, read a book, watch Dick Clark (oh wait, didn't he stroke out? It's Regis? *shudder*), rent a movie, kiss the cat at midnight, get a good night's sleep. Say, 7 bucks for the movie.
$65 - $7 = $58
Convert to US dinero = $47.95
$47.95 translates into three point two days in the Daintree/Cape Tribulation next year. So, I'll toss in enough CDN to make up 12.05 US and BANG! Four more days.
Six down. Fifteen to go.
It's so easy when you do it in teeny chunks like this. One baby step at a time will get me across the planet.
But seriously, when I drop by for a visit to 'take you out for a beer because you are a blogger and I love you', it's really just a 'no, really, I couldn't, ohhhh, alllright' gesture - you're paying.
Just so you know.
lyric at post:
..there's a song on the air with a love-you-line
and a face in a glass and it looks like mine..color>
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Must.Sit.Down...Breathe!
And yup, another long one.
But at least it's a Happy one.
No, not HaRPy, HaPPy
Okay, I can admit it, I've become bitter and cynical. The universe dangles shit in my face and then juuuuust as my fingertips toooouch....whooosh! ha! just kidding! sucker! you fall for that one every time! nyah nyah nyah!So, I'm just going to take it for granted that that Mr. Mighty Geek understands that it's not personal when I say I was shocked and amazed to actually receive the prize money!
It's not you, honey. It's me, I swear!
Shocked, I say!
Mr. Mighty NICE Geek, I say!
But, holy, $25 US dollars actually becomes $23.97 once paypal takes their honking big CUT. Now, my math skills are shit but it seems like that cut is just a little more than 4% but a little more less than 5%. Weird. Paypal bastards.
I say that because I *could* have invested and now I'd be rich. But no, I never invest in the right things. Oh wait a sec, I'm POOR! I don't invest in SWEET FUCK ALL!
(man, I'm loud! TODAY! It's all the excitement! must.calm.down! SORRY!!!)
Anyhow, that $23.97 actually translates into $29.00 whopping perpetually undervalued (and very upset about it but just too polite to mention it) Canadian dollars.
I was going to put it towards my Airborne Pathojen 2006™ tour ticket but it's less than errrr..... point0083 and that just sounds so drop-in-the-bucket-ish and not at all what I want to reflect as the meaning of winning the first thing I've ever won.
I'm measuring things as I save up so I'm officially starting **NOW** with a relatively small goal - 21 days at the Cape Tribulation Tropical Research Station as a volunteer with the bats (ahh, bats smats, they're just little cutie furry things who like a tummy rub as much as the next errr, rodent - suck it up, you sissies) but it's in the Daintree/Cape Tribulation! Helloooo?!
I'm going to 'take a moment' here as I just naturally assume all 30 or so of you have been following along for MONTHS & MONTHS and have an idea of what I'm on about. So, maybe not. (explaining post 1) I'm going (post two)around the world. It's got nothing to do with Matt, plans were in place before I even met him. Since I am not a 20-something anymore, I'd like to plan cheap travel to places I can actually 'settle' in for a week or two at a time, ease the old bones, take it easy. Of course I'm hoping T3 knew I was serious when I told him to have my bedroom on the Station in Brookton ready for a few months.
...and fucking hell, I know I haven't written that Thanksgiving post yet but give me a break - it's been a busy few months and during this last one, I haven't been in a thankful mood. But I will write it before the 4th of January. 2007. What? Oh, fine. 2005. You people are so demanding...
Regardless, I have to say that I think (a post about..) volunteer conservationism is the way to go. You pay basic costs, they let your work your ass off doing nice things for the environment and you get a day or two off a week. Win win, yeah?
Here's a f'rintance, strangely enough, in the Daintree - I took a quick boo at a hotel there - 3 star - $240 a night. What? I'll get three weeks for .....$315. And suuuure, I'll have to clean and feed bats and shovel guano but the point is - the same bed for three weeks, in an amazing incredible place with people who know their way around and can show me the crocodiles!, free transport in/out and three days off to muck about. Okay, back to the story.
Now because all over this sad world, everything must be paid in filthy American lucre, we now have to convert $29 CDN back to pffffft $23.97 US (it feels like losing money, so sad). A day in the Daintree costs $15 so I'll throw in $6.03 more from my savings and voila! shazaaam! 2 days down. 19 to go.
That rocks.
My nicer, lovelier and far more emotionally stable name Twin and I are cooking up merchandising for the Tour, so watch for that soon, and I'll make some sort of page for those of you who might actually want to track how I'm doing - maybe over New Years (shush, it keeps me distracted and gives me visual goals).
Logistically and financially - the ticket, enough money for a year abroad plus enough money to cover condo costs etc here (now you latecomers understand why I live in an RV - cheap rent) - it's gonna be a nightmare so I may just add goals one at a time. No sense in getting ahead of myself.
I think the next goal will be my British citizenship cause man, you guys are asking A LOT! Bastards! Waaait a minute, do you own Paypal? Damn British.
I can say that cause I'm not officially one of you jolly good fellows yet.
If I were, I would have just offended myself and the Canadian in me would have been horrified and shamefaced.
But, tis TV time and I must away!
lyric at post:
..time means nothing, time can't touch you
it's nowhere to the start and nowhere to end
but tomorrow somehow finds it's way to us again..color>
Key Point
On the way home yesterday I realized that my life now involves only one key.I don't have office keys nor house keys. Or to be more specific - keys to the fifth wheel since I have no house. I don't pick up my own mail at that rural mailbox down the street and so I have no mailbox key. I don't need keys to my condo in Calgary anymore, I own it but I no longer live there. I sold the luggage before I left, locks intact, and I haven't yet bought my travelling pack. I think working out in a group at a "gym" is not only a heinous sin but an unconscious desire to behave like the lab rats we are and so I have no locker key. I'm an idiot and so all the important papers I have are not in a safety deposit box.
I requested a Google API licence key but never received it. I've never played basketball and if I did, I'm too uncoordinated to make the free throw anyway. I'm tone deaf. No one's ever given me the key to a city. I've lost the key to my heart. Sometimes I think I have not a hope in hell of a glimmer of an inkling as to the key concept in my life. Nor anyone else's, for that matter. As much as I feel like an island these days, I am not, although I have been to Florida - just not that part of it.
I did, however, leave two additional pointless keys on Betsy's key chain. M2 took the key fob (a gift from a friend of mine) with him and that Subaru key looked so lonely on that plain and rusty ring, I couldn't bring myself to leave it that way. Matt said they were the ones for his apartment in North Vancouver. For all intents and purposes they're just added decoration.
One key. It starts the car. Which I haven't paid for yet so it's not really my key and, as a stretch, you could actually say I live a keyless life. I don't even take it out of the car at night, I just leave it in the ignition.
There's that saying that the more keys you have on your key ring, the more important you are. Rather than insisting on a dab more self-pity and dropping a little farther down the well of tears, I've been choosing to see it as a shining testament to the simplification of my life.
All the rest of you more important people should just be ashamed of your materialistic ways.
lyric at post:
..and I'm high enough from all the waiting
to ride a wave on your inhaling..color>
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
There are moments in life free from worry
They call them utter blind panic
The email says he's travelling for a week or two. I'm quite sure that nausea is not a good reaction.
I'm not ready yet for this. I'm not.
And could someone have bloody well warned me not to go anywhere near Annie Lennox and 'Bare'?
Wankers. You should have known.
lyric at post:
..there I spent my dreams with you
now I've hid them all away..color>
Trail Systems, Hidden Pathways, A Bench Along the Way
My sleep last night was full of terrible dreams. Not a whisper of an inkling of Matt's existence but people from childhood lurked in every corner and fed upon my deepest fears and insecurities.I woke 8 hours later in the exact same position I went to sleep in which is virtually unheard of for me.
In Victoria there is a trail called The Galloping Goose, it is 60 km long and follows the old railway lines, ending at the ferry to Vancouver. The trail systems that support it in my area of town have all been walked by Matt and I and I know that I cannot go walking on them now, if ever, during the time I will live here.
There is a short one at the end of my driveway that we never walked and it doesn't seem to exist anywhere on the internet. It ends up on one of the greens at the local golf club and it seems like my very own private stroll through the forest. It was a sunny day yesterday, rare enough in Victoria in the winter that the parking lots to all the trails were jammed full. But not mine. If it even had parking. Pacing it out yesterday, although a bit goopy right now for my taste, it turns to be that one circuit equal roughly what I walked to and from work every day in Calgary.
I've been feeling the absence of exercise, my headaches are coming back and I feel logy and puffy. I know that getting out and moving around will help me feel better in so many ways right now so yesterday I made myself go out and walk the trail. I made a promise to myself that as the days get longer, I will try and walk it every night I get home early enough to beat the dark.
Strange that, when there are no streetlights and nothing but the moon, how difficult it becomes to walk in the forest.
I came home energized and cleaned the 'house', went out grocery shopping and washed Betsy. I have no idea when the last time Matt washed her, if ever, but the power spray didn't completely get her clean.
Anyhow, boring daily things.
I downloaded a bunch of music yesterday, Ozzy Osbourne and Dweezil Zappa doing 'Staying Alive' - it is absolutely priceless, especially if you saw Saturday Night Fever in the theatre (although I was just 8 years old, my brother took me with him and I remember thinking I was so adult because it was a 'dirty movie') and actually listened to Black Sabbath albums as they were released, or in real time as the kids say these days. Shocking to admit, I know.
My favorite song back then, me being a girl and it being a slow, sad song, was Changes. Although I must point out that it came out in 1972, when I was three. So, it was actually one I listened to later.
The only other one I want to mention was the little ditty Matt used to chant that I mentioned at the bottom of this post. Letssingit.com (beware: popups) tells me that the song is from the Bring It On soundtrack and is called U.G.L.Y. You can listed to a snippet - a verse and the chorus near the bottom of this page. You should, it only takes a second.
To actually hear this song made me giggle. Really heartfelt giggles and a few guffaws. I even wiggled my way around the 8 feet of actual floor space I have. I emailed Matt to tell him I'd downloaded it because I couldn't get it out of my head and it was a little embarrassing. To my surprise, he didn't even know there was a recording of it because he'd never heard it. Who knows where he picked up the chorus but he had the cadence down perfectly. Which is good, since I was wondering why he'd admit by singing a song from the soundtrack that he'd watched such a girly movie.
It feels good to be able to tell him things like that, because one of the worst things about being so involved in anothers life is that when they're gone, no one ever knows what you are talking about and no one ever gets the joke. It hasn't felt very fair to lose that along with the rest of it.
It is another nice day and the last one before I have to go back to work so I am going to check the blogroll, drink my coffee and then have a shower, meet maJen for lunch and then get to that walk.
I'll try to make the posts shorter and snappier from now on but I can't promise.
And although I am fully aware that these, as well as the driving 'breaktrough' are all indications that I am feeling a little better day by day, please don't take this opportunity to say things like "I told you it would!" or "See! You just have to give it time." That request may seem a little harsh but the simple truth is I knew it would get better and I knew I needed the time and I have said and maintained that position all along. I've taken the time and I've dragged you along with me but that kind of stuff sounds smug to me. I don't think any of you are.
I hope that makes sense.
The steps that I am taking have sped up a little partly due to being able to talk to Matt again and I do feel a little sad and a little betrayed by my own heart that I am doing so well. Maybe the full on month of sobbing seems like a long time - it's felt contradictory to me, years and then sometimes only seconds - and I wouldn't want it back but I still don't want this to be okay. It still feels so wrong and now that the last year has taught me to listen to my heart, it's still shouting, albeit a little more quietly but with no less conviction, that this is just not how it supposed to be.
I know that sounds likes a heartbroken and foolish heart flapping it's gums but I cannot argue with this belief inside of me. Does it seem strange that Matt feels it too? No, because that's just another part of it.
I cried yesterday and I've already had a few tears this morning just writing this. It just gets a little less with every step forward.
And on that note, my horoscope for the day....
lyric at post:
..what goes up
they say is coming down
I got my head in the sky
and my roots in the ground..color>
Monday, December 27, 2004
Time
Today was the first day since the 4th of December that I didn't cry while being in or driving Matt's car.Soon, I think, will come the day that I don't reach for the waterproof mascara rather than my own kind in the morning. I have come to appreciate it's tenacity and staying power but it really is a bitch to get off at the end of the day.
lyric at post:
..she knocks a hole in my front door
she's the one I can't ignore
she tries to paint a hole in time,
she puts her face right next to mine..color>
Checking in with myself
I didn't mean that I wouldn't be back, just that now, trying to help each other, we are getting into some things that are private to Matt that would have to be included for our continuing struggle to make sense. And I can't do that here. I think that in the end we will both do each other a lot of good, and it really is easier to deal with this if we can still talk about it. As fucked up as that may seem.This is harder for me than it is for him - I'm in an environment created in part by Matt and surrounded by the things we did together. He's at home and I know that when I return home from a big trip, that trip and the things that happened take on an unreality. They feel a bit like a dream and so they are easier memories to put away while you go about the business of getting on with 'real life'.
I'm discouraged, Matt has even said it's despair and maybe he's right. The truth of the matter is that the person I want to be and the person I believe in sometimes can't stand up to the day to day reality of this loneliness and sadness. You believe that when you meet the person you think you've been waiting for, then everything else just falls into place. And it did. But in the fairy tale we've all grown up believing in, it's supposed to never end for no good reason. And it did.
Matt tells me he thinks that one reason he was in my life was to show me how this rightness feels and help me to understand that I could sustain it alone. Maybe he's right about that too, but at this moment, I can't see that. I can't see how feeling safe and secure can be completely provided to myself BY myself, I can't see how I can fall back on myself if I take a risk, I can't see how to reflect myself back to me so I can see how I'm doing, I can't see how I can provide my own support.
I think that you need other people in your life to help you do that and let's face it, when we're younger we do - but as we grow older and our friends marry and move away and become involved in the lives of their children - the people that we trust to do that for us just naturally become less and less. In my case, I've been through a lot in the last couple years and I've removed some of those people in my life. Who never actually should have been in it the first place really, but still, their absence leaves a space where there used to be a warm body. There are a couple of people I trust to provide some of that support. Sadly, they are not here but in the place I left. The people I mostly trust now to reflect me back to myself are intangible, because they are you.
To hear Matt say that he doesn't think he'll ever meet anyone else like me and may always question this decision, sparks so many conflicting feelings in me. In one sense it's a validation of our relationship. But on the other hand, it's so sad that life doesn't get to be that easy. It makes me angry because I don't want someone "like" Matt. Why the hell do I have to go out and find someone "like" Matt? I had already found him and he had already found me. And why is he then just walking away? Asshole.
One of the things I need to believe is that he IS doing what's right for himself but I am starting to feel that what he needs to learn can't be learned alone the way he thinks it can. I even think that the things he thinks he has to learn are not the things he needs to learn. And maybe it's vanity or maybe it's arrogance to think that he can learn those things from me. And I know it's dangerous for me to see things this way because the cornerstone of me dealing with this is that very trust that he knows best. I know I can't do anything about it except try to gently point him in a different direction or a different way of looking at things rather than the cut and dried way such an otherwise open-minded person is seeing. Maybe that's my role in his life. Maybe for once, me being the 'emotional' one is the required ability while his 'rational' side is the one that's holding him down.
He is trying to do that for me too, except that what he sees as despair is really just a tantrum, even though I say it's not. I'd like to say he is trying to help me with the wrong things but the fundamental thing I need help with is the simple fact that he is gone. He can't help with that but I do think that his understanding of me will help in it's own way and it may even help with things I don't know I need help with. After all, if I think I'm providing that to him, it shouldn't seem such a stretch that he will provide that to me.
So, what I have left is doing what I need to do. That is putting into words what I feel. It doesn't mean that I feel that way all the time, I have bad days and good days, bad hours and good hours. But I understand that for these things to heal and these things to pass they must be taken out and allowed to run free. Because if you listen to your heart, all the things it has to say are not always light and cheery. Matt chooses to believe that he can make himself see only good things and in the end all that he has done is take away his heart's ability to speak to him.
And so we try to sustain our gentleness and respect for each other and, at the same time, try to help each other to heal.
Well, that's the recap of where I am now. There's a shift that needs to happen in me, not to put Matt behind me because I don't want that but a shift to help with the rest of the reason I'm living in isolation in a fifth wheel. The goal. The trip. For this to come into being I need to look at life in a different way and that way primarily involves this statement, "Does this choice go towards what I want or away from it?" Because if I make too many choices with the wrong intent behind them, with fear as their guide, I may end up here forever while the only reason I'm here in the first place falls into oblivion.
Below, as promised, are the pictures of my new "home". All 24 feet of it.
I apologize for all the *thinking* in this post, it seems a bit hard to read. :)
Sunday, December 26, 2004
I Just Came By to Drop Off....
To follow up on this post, here I am to do....After we'd agreed that there would be no contact, I received a chatty little email. I made it about 1/2 way through my reply before (editing heavily)....
It feels like it's leaving us in a little frozen space where we are the people we were last week and we will be forever - suddenly it's a warped frame of reference and I don't know if it's possible to move on from that. Do you know what I mean? I'm not asking you to stop but I think I'm asking if we should rethink this and how you're feeling about it.
I woke up this morning feeling much better and on the way to work I put some thought into why that might be. It's not about losing your love, because I haven't. It's not about making the wrong decision, I still trust that you are doing what you feel is best for you and I want that and I stand by that. It's not about hoping that you'll change your mind. It's not about stopping or avoiding the pain but trying to figure out if the pain I'm causing myself is unnecessary. All of the tears over the last few weeks have been directly related to the thought of never having the things I treasure about you in my life. I can't bear the thought of the loss of your perspective, your understanding of me, your gentleness and and and....all those things that are part of the reason you have become my best friend along with everything else.
Maybe that can't be reconciled and I don't know if I can be your friend, Matt, but maybe that's something we need to figure out together as we go rather than just trying to shut everything off. I think that maybe it has to naturally work itself out, no matter how that might be. I fear that being cut off from you and living in that little bubble will end with me resenting you or being angry or hanging on to something that doesn't exist and I don't ever want that to happen.
Apart from it being terrible and sad, it's felt very wrong all week for there to just be a void where you were and this morning things felt a little bit righter. (yes, that is too a word. now.) I wish I knew the answers but in the absence of knowing anything at all, maybe the best I can do is recognize that my decision may have not been the best one and see if we can work this out together because, as I said before, whatever the reasons we met and why we are a part of each other's lives, it just doesn't feel like this is supposed to be this way right now.
I may be analyzing this a little too much but I do want you to understand where the endless tears came from and that the email last night wasn't some unbalanced attempt to metaphorically throw my arms around your legs and cry some more.
Yanno?
And right at the moment i don't have all the answers. The past week Itoo have often caught myself thinking, I can't wait to tell Jen this or I wish Jen was hear to see this, she would be giggling like a school girl. I could spend the next hour or two telling you all sorts of stuff that i know you would love. But right aboot now I don't think that is the right thing to do.......I guess it would be like dropping back into our old way and I would feel like I was stringing you along and not letting go myself. So in that respect I feel I must restrain myself.
However, I too feel that there is this void that exists and that we have left ourselves in this little bubble, and that isn't right either. I guess it comes down to wether we are supposed to go cold turkey on each other or kind of ween off........ and I guess I am more of a weener.
OK, you can stop laughing now.
The short and curlies of what I have been thinking the last few days is........hell, the short and curlies is that I don't have the answers. As always with you Jen I am tracking new territory, I can't fall back on old experiences for direction. I guess we just go with what has always worked....go with what feels right. I think that the mutual love and respect that we have shared will ensure that we will end up where we need to be.
As you have probably figured out, I have varying internet accesss, so emails will come in fits and spurts.....which is probably a good thing........like telling you all the stories I have, emailing back and forth every day would just take us back to where we were before I left, which I know would feel great (I really do have to restrain myself) but in the long run may or may not be the best thing for one or both of us. I hope that came out right.
And don't worry, I didn't think that you last email was unbalanced or whatever.
Yanno?
And now, I guess the last few posts make a little more sense. I'm going to make an effort to pretty much just leave it there unless I have something big to say. Over and out.
lyric at post:
..and I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do,
there are so many thoughts in my head
there are two roads to walk down and one road to choose..color>
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Because, because, because,
because of the wonderful things he does...
..all this pain, looking at it from anothers point of view, (ie: everyone but Matt and I) seems a bit ....whatever, sometimes, because we all think that our pain is unique. Because, although we feel that it is, we forget every day that it is not.
Suddenly, there is an eloquent description about pain. All pain, any pain. Your pain, my pain.
Because my explanation, to those who don't understand - will never do our relationship justice and will never make it understandable.
Because *people* saw me glow, people saw me love, people saw me in a way that *I* have never seen myself, never believed that I could be, never even knew that I could be.
But the people who saw me that way were the people who always knew they could see me that way for the simple fact that they could see it within me. That someday I would find it, no matter whether it was a cause, a city or a man. Within myself outside of myself - there are those who believe I am too weak to find anything and those who believe I am too strong to ever get to the end of the learning curve. I don't want your belief. I don't want to think I am paying in this life for another. I don't want to forget this life. I don't want to make a new one with someone else.
Oh, but regardless, never the ones that *I needed* to see. People saw us happy but no one ever truly saw the symbiosis, the rightness, the ease of it. Nothing can make others see me as something other than the person I was 10 years ago and not the person I was 6 months ago or the one that Matt transformed me into.
The person I left here to find - and did.
And while I can fully acknowledge that once upon a time I was sad and lost (and may very well still be so), that I have let people walk all over me, that I never truly believed that I could be loved nor love well in return, it never truly occurred to me that the person I believed I'd been waiting for all of my life would someday walk into my path and that simple act would allow all of what is within me to storm the ramparts and hit like a tornado. That was not part of my plan any more than it was his.
Even worse was then losing him. I'm in pain and although it was he that made the decision, I worry about him. That he was there and instantly in my heart makes it even more difficult to let go. And, no, I'm not 15 years old - I'm an adult with beliefs that you will never shake. That I choose to stick to, even if it means not believing at all. If you choose to see my life and my behaviour as immaturity, I'd suggest you leave now. Or go back to the swings and the monkey-bars for a little while longer.
I'm sorry that they cannot LOOK at me and SEE me. Because maybe they would see something different.
I deserve that chance.
And, lately, you and I know that I have stopped trying to get them to see. Whether that is wisdom, age, maturity or just simple fatigue, I cannot truly say.
Being 'home' for the first time in 9 years puts me in a different position. But in the end I have realized that the reason does not matter. Their reason, my reason, your understanding, my intention.
All that matters now, to the people who truly care for me and that I truly care for, is that the pain exists and it must be shared and respected.
You know this, I know you do - that I am quite happy and do not feel like your support is any less than that of someone who 'knows' me. In fact, it invariably means more - because those of you that comment give me a well-considered point of view. Or, maybe not well-considered but a point of view that comes from your hearts rather than your minds - from a place that knows me only through the true inner workings of myself.
lyric at post:
..I never felt quite the same
Since I lost what I had to gain..color>
Burning Question of the Day
If this were a novel, instead of my life, what literary term would encompass the definition of: the person who is helping me deal with the breakup of a perfect relationship is the person whom I had that perfect relationship with. And vice versa.Or, is this really all just a dream in the way of nonsensical, confusing dreams?
Am I the dreamer? Or is it you?
Friday, December 24, 2004
First of all I'd like to thank the lord...
...of the flies.er.. Just kidding. But!!!! I Won!
And although I am quite sure it was because Mighty Geek came over and read a few of the terribly sad posts and may not have been able to continue life in good conscience once he knew I was crying over road kill (it was a bunnnnny) I say, "Fuck It!" If the pity card got me something (because I've never won fuck all in my life) then I'm all over that like a fat kid on a smartie.
And he made me laugh. Which made me forget about Matt for just a nanosecond. And that was nice. Especially after the email I got below.
I think I'm taking the paypal cash. I deserve some sort of 'impulse buy with the mad money in the paypal account' action.
...It's 9 am on Christmas Morning, Some Thoughts from Australia
And on that note, I am going to cry a little more, take the cat out for a carry around the yard and then plug in 'The Manchurian Candidate'.
Because, really, what else is there to do in the face of all of this?
oh
This is not shaping up to be a 'good' day. When you pass roadkill and have to pull over to sob brokenly by the side of the road, it's time to go back to bed.Thursday, December 23, 2004
Delaying of the Sharing
Cause (other than the award giving) I am taking the night off. I'll be back to post the emails of what I was blathering on about below, sometime during my next four days off. After having come this far, I guess I can't stop now, can I? Otherwise, how will you know how it ends? That's a little like coitus interruptus I fear, and not within the realm of my ability to inflict.(shh. pretend you care. humor me.)
And while I try to ignore Christmas completely, I wish you and yours a happy whatever, lots of you know what and maybe some of that other stuff.
lyric at post:
..dream warm and hard and true
in pieces, in colors, in a cloud of awkward blue..color>
The Award
The Award for the "Contest I Would Have Entered Except the Prize is in US Dollars and Sadly, it's Just Not Worth What it Used to Be Compared to our Heathen Canadian Drachma" goes to......Little Presents and Some Humble Pie
Considering that the news of my cancer and Scott's mom dying led to a look on his face that I never want to see on anyone ever again, especially someone I love, it made me feel pretty good this morning to send an email as promised.I've also been asked to rewrite the exam next month and stay.
But if you reread both of thoses posts all the way through, I have to admit that the decision I made about Matt may have been one of those imprudent ones. More on that later (cause I am at work) but suffice it to say for now that our relationship is such that I can email him and tell him I think I made the wrong choice.
And then we can figure out where to go now, together.
You know, even through all the pain and the sadness and the unfairness of this all, I am still amazed and awed and downright flabbergasted at what he and I have been able to do.
I fear that I have been spoiled for the rest of my years by a feral Australian.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Lately, Sometimes I Wonder..
..if the problem with opening all the doors and windows to let the storm in is that the wind begins to blow so hard, you can't get them shut again.Massacre at Little Big Folly-cul
Every bloody time I move I end up with the nastiest hair cuts. I don't learn. I don't. After the terrible haircut a few weeks ago and this heartwarming experience last week, I looked at my big round end of the egg haircut today and finally, something inside of me went *piiiiiing*.I stopped at an honest to freaking goodness $12 no debit cash only no appointments get in line and wait barber on the way home from work and had him mercilessly sacrifice all the hair on my head. In the gallery pictures where I have bangs? They're dead too. I figure I may as well start growing it back to something I can be happy with from something that doesn't resemble a lawn mown by a five year old. And then 'tweaked' by Godzilla.
I took a picture (my god, I'd forgotten my ears poke out this far without hair to cushion them) but since the computer travelled across provinces it seems to think my camera is video and I just can't get it to work right. ANYWAYS, where last time we were all thinking "Annie Lennox", suffice it to say that today we should all be thinking "Sinead O'Conner".
After all, who the hell have I got to impress and why the fuck should I care?
lyric at post:
..cause everybody wants, every body needs, everybody begs for self esteem
why don’t you get your mind out of the past
cause everybody takes and everybody steals and everybody’s been kicked by other heels..color>
Word o' the Day
tenterhooks : in a state of uneasiness, strain, or suspensestrain??
Whatever. Imagine me in a sentence. Suspensening. Uneasinessing. But not really straining.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
There's Nothing Finer Then Your Very Own BatBlogger
You remind me of the things that I have forgotten I already know.You push me just enough so that, in the end, it feels like I've gotten there all on my own.
You help me to move ahead but understand enough to lend a hand when I need to hold on just a little bit longer.
You find a way to see what I see and make it all okay.
I know that I am in your heart and that knowledge sometimes lends me the last little bit of strength that I need.
You make me believe that there truly is an unlocked door waiting for me to stand in front of it.
You know the song that is deep inside of me and when I can't remember how it goes, you stop everything so that you can hum it back to me.
Thank you.
Almost Final
This is what I had in mind. But I have a little tweaking to do still in the next couple days. Archives were destroying the place so I have to figure that out and I hate not using all the space on the page - I think I gots to get a little WIDER. But, these two templates took me 6 hours and that help to fill my day quite nicely.And yes, that is Matt and I in the hot tub on the island at the beginning of the month. And why would I put a picture of the thing that is causing me pain, you ask, right on the front page of my site?
It makes me laugh every time, if I were more attractive in it, I'd say it's a perfect 'Beauty and the Beast' cause who knows what the hell he was doing with his face. *shiver*
Anyways, it's a reminder to myself for when I start feeling like I'm angry with him. That's not something I ever want but it's such an easy thing to fall into.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, will be the ugliest picture you will ever see of me (and of up my nose).
Monday, December 20, 2004
My Eyes!
Patience please. Learning to create transparencies.Many thanks, stopping by, please to come back later.
The Soapbox Gets a Bit Slippy in the Rain
I've been hauling around a couple of magazines since June/July for inclusion in some way in here. Then, of course, too many things happened. In an effort to finally get it done and throw the unneeded paper out.....I'll stay off my soapbox for this but I'm pretty sure you're going to get my point. It's not a very subtle one.
In May/June the Canadian Geographic ran a story called Cougar Attack. The one in the actual magazine is quite a bit longer than the one online but you'll get the point. For reference, the *village* of Port Alice, BC contains just over 1100 people and is located in the box containing the words 'Port Hardy'. This is Northern Vancouver Island, I worked in that area tracking bears and seriously? There's nothing up there but the fucking forest. The part I take offense to is the subtitle which reads, Cougars have been stalking humans in unprecedented numbers in British Columbia. The article of course then goes on to say that in BC there have been 63 attacks in the last 100 years. OHMYGOD, they're going to kill us all! Quick! Get the napalm!
er..sorry...
Anyhow, the next issue contained some interesting letters to the editor. I thought the first one was quite intelligent, especially this part...
The next month's letters (under 'Reality Check' a little farther down the page) indicated that other people thought this man was pretty damn smart too. Here.
During the time I was up there we saw three or four cougars and it is one of my favorite memories. There was one adolescent cougar, who's mother had been killed, hanging around the logging camp we lived in and one of the loggers shot it before turning it over to our biologist. I've got pictures of it but unfortunately no scanner. I can understand the reasoning behind this - the baby wouldn't survive anyway without hunting skills but to this day, 11 years later, the thought of it saddens me. They are breathtaking animals. Proud and graceful. Awe inspiring. And they deserve to be left alone on their own land to survive the best they can because all their problems and the increased number of attacks stem from one thing. Mankind. And it's arrogance and ignorance.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Class is in Session
The internet-in-my-house tanked today. Took me five hours to get it back online. I think I almost tipped over the knife edge to gibbering nutbar, if only for the simple fact that I don't think I can take one.more.thing going wrong. The simplest things reduce me to tears - although I have progressed from hiccuping and sobbing for hours at a time to short and quiet explosions at the drop of a hat. Combine that with a profound craving for a smoke (I should have kept my mouth shut yesterday) and the pain in the side of my neck I thought was a pulled muscle and isn't - well, it's a wonder I'm upright at all.I don't have a fever or a sore throat but I have two marble sized and marble hard lumps, one on each side just forward of the corner of my jaw. (did that make sense?) The nice doctor man said it's viral so I should be okay in a few days but that I should stay home from work. I panicked - work is busy and it's the only 8 hour period I know I'm not going to cry on any given day (not to mention the $200 LittleMissUnpaidBillsPiledUpToMyCrotch loses in pay every day). But since I work in a hospital we have to make sure it really is viral and so I wrangled him down to one day.
Being home doesn't loom quite as large when I have the internet so everyone get in there and post post post so I have something to do tomorrow. Or I may have to start going rummaging through your blogrolls and that might make both of us feel a bit dirty.
Of course, I did a little thinking on the layout so I may work on that.
I've mentioned in bits about stupid things that people have said to me the last week (yes, it *has* only been a week, shuuut up) and I know you're dying to see the whole list.
Now, I know it's hard to know what to say to someone who's having a traumatic event...
although I am officially pointing out here that between the munchkin and the Matt and knowing in advance what was coming (which I think makes it a much longer process) I have been crying and mourning in some way now for an entire year - except for August - and you have all done a wonderful job of putting up with me and pushing me backwards every time I start to overbalance and tip over aforementioned knife edge - let's hope that next year doesn't bring me any more of this SHIT. Cause frankly, I may be more tired of it than everyone else mashed together.
ahem...
Now, it is hard to know what to say. I've been in that position myself and sadly I admit that until I learned what to do I mostly ignored whatever it was and moved the conversation along. I have learned that however callous that may sound it indicates discomfort rather than imbecility and I am not defending myself here, looking at it from this side of the fence, it really is preferable to hear nothing at all. Especially next to these few things....(my interjections in italics)
--spoken in a whisper "You're not going to kill yourself are you?" Oh for fuck sakes, I'm not FOURTEEN.
--"Can't you just pretend that he's coming back in June like that tea leaf reader said? Then this would be a whole lot easier on you." ohhhh, deliberately deluding myself. the question here is - would I know I was lying? could I continue to delude myself past June? That way I could put off the discomfort for YEARS, maybe even drag it out right to the end of my then even more miserable existence, waiting.....
--"WAHOO, now you can go out and party!!" I mentioned this one before and it's just so fucking terrible on so many levels I can't even comment on it.
--"So, you gonna survive?" and if I said no? see #1
--"Wasn't he a bit young for you anyways?" I'm not touching that one.
endless variations of...--Asshole, Jerk, Dick. Which again, indicates only that not one of those people 'got' it.
--"It's good he's gone now cause in six or seven years he would have dumped you for someone younger and you would have wasted your life." That gem came from my mother. Getting the feeling she's still a bit bitter after 21 years? But, hey, thanks mom.
--"Now you can date the car pool guy!" I'm sorry, he's very nice and kinda cute but that's like rebounding from belgian chocolate to.... dirt. And could you have waited more than 48 hours before pulling that one out?
--Everything happens for a reason. *sigh* maybe the entire reason I met Matt was so he could give me a car I didn't have to pay for right away. That makes it all better.
--oh, and this one was actually just a recommended course of action... "Well, if she says something that stupid to you again then you should tell her just to fuck off and pop another pill." I'm flabbergasted at how mature that one was.
I no longer speak to people about it. I can't. It seems impossible to make them understand that this was a choice we made, that I love him but that sometimes that means doing the last thing you want to do. That I'm not angry. In fact, I'm afraid that eventually I will *become* angry with him and that will completely erase the way I've tried to handle this with him, and for myself. That I'm a big girl and I know it'll be alright but I need some time to mourn. And maybe they should leave me alone to do that. That their bad choices aren't my problem. That I'm not them.
Apart from the comments from all of you, Tony:Calgary and Philly (plus two of the people I work with) are the only people who helped. The work people in a way I can't describe - by validating me I guess. T&P by simply saying, "I wish you were here. I miss you and I would like to give you a hug. I'm so sorry and I wish there were something I could do to make you feel a little better."
So, there you have it kids. What's the best thing to do in a traumatic event? Exactly that.
And why am I telling you this? I'm not sure because that's what you all did.
And for that, I thank you. It means an awful lot to me.
lyric from a charming little ditty Matt used to chant, which I can't get out of my head:
..yo momma says you ugly,YOU UGLY!
U-G-L-Y you aint got no alibi you ugly!..color>
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Thoughts
I can't believe all this hasn't made me scream, "To Hell With This Shit, I'm Buying Cigarettes!!!!!"That may just be an indication I won't start again.
wow
I'm tired of how this place looks but I have no ideas at the moment, maybe a color change, except the headers were built individually onto grey backgrounds so that may not be the most sane option.
I'm just so happy to be online again, the distraction away from that empty space in my heart is a most welcome guest.
Prepare for change.
A New Breed of Killer?
Although I couldn't find anything to substantiate the numbers, it did come from Canada's weekly newsmagazine - the full story is.....here.
lyric at post:
..I've got a bowling ball in my stomach..color>
I am King of the World
Well, okay, maybe not. But I am queen of the internet in my house. Yes, sports fans, it's true - I am posting from my very own kitchen table.But I had to dig up the driveway and now I can't lift my arms high enough to type so I'm going away now.
Friday, December 17, 2004
I love the internet because...
It has created the ability for me to sit here in the garage in the middle of the night and browse the library catalogue and then to put the ones I want on hold so I can pick them up on the way home tomorrow in anticipation of my fun-filled weekend.Brite, Kingsolver, Golden. Ahhhhhhhh.
I restrained myself to nine though. And not more than two of any one author.
I'm not greedy, I can share.
The lan'lords tell me we are rerunning cable tomorrow morning for internet access. I'm not getting my hopes up though, nothing else has worked. If this doesn't I'm going to test wireless access. I'm not even going to begin to describe the internet saga of the ages to you - suffice it to say..... not a 'convenience' I can do without. And an accessible distraction I desperately need these days. AT least since (BIG surprise) my rental management company for the condo forgot to keep the $350 leasing fee I can go wireless this weekend if it comes to that and they can have the money in January. In 30 hours I might actually be talking to you from my own 'house'. Wish me luck.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Ch-ch-changes. Not.
On the way home from work today, I thought I would stop by and see my old friend who also used to be my hairdresser since I had one of the worst haircuts of my life a couple weeks ago and as soon as there's some length, I'll be needing it fixed. I can't face the five-more-bad-hairdressers-to-get-to-the-good thing.Last time I'd seen her she'd been with the 'man of her dreams, the man she'd been holding out for all her life' for about 8 months (sound familiar?) This was 1996.
(I have to point out here that people liked Matt and no one actually liked this fucknut who you could peg as an alkie from 100 feet away but whatever, love is blind, I know).
ANYHOO, in addition to being quite a bit more unhealthy looking she looked distinctly unenthused about seeing me... (I put it that way because there *is* a difference between big and healthy and fat and unhealthy and I like to distinguish between the two, hell I'm thin and unhealthy, which is just as gross)
she: Oh, I heard you were back, couldn't you hack it in Calgary?
WTF? Now, we were good friends, we never had a disagreement and she was always one of those people who was kind and encouraging and hopeful. Not in a gushy way but in a quiet convicted way.
Not so any longer, my friends, not so any longer.
A couple of excerpts from our conversation:
me: So, I went to the shelter and just asked them to give me the cat no one would ever take home. He's a pretty big mess though.
she: Well, then you two should be perfect for each other. Oh, just kidding.
WTF? I haven't seen this woman in 9 fucking years. I was no more fucked up back then then she was. Who the hell is she talking to? And don't even get me started on the kind of people who pull that fucking "just kidding" bullshit.
she: I'll call you next week cause fucknut's going away, pffft, see ya laaaa-ter.
insert some weird islander hand gesture here that I've -sadly- missed out on. or not.
me: I'm sorry that didn't work out for you.
she: I'm not. Even when you think you've found them they still turn out to be fucking jerks. Good thing you learned that now.
me: Maybe you should be thinking yourself lucky because you got the time to figure that out .
(and don't have to listen to people infer that your choices are just as bad as theirs.)
This is from someone who didn't even know Matt. And no longer knows me. I mean, WTF? This is the kind of thing I left behind when I moved. This is the kind of negativity and bitterness that I've been trying to get people to stop doing around me. This is the kind of negativity that I let people get away with - so, yes, I must have/do attract it somehow but I went away to find a way to become someone who no longer did. This is one of the reasons I started to cut myself off from people. This is one of the reasons I haven't really contacted anyone since I got back.
So, I left there feeling a bit sad because she never was that kind of person, back then. And a fair bit pissed off that anyone would think they knew anything about me after 9 years. I think they believe the rest of the world stops if they can't see it and I was, obviously, living in a bubble, kept in stasis, the exact same girl who let them get away with that kind of shit, all these years, waiting for them to look my way again.
I don't think I'll call and if she calls me then she gets one more chance. Any more of that shit and oops, one more down the bitterness drain beneath my feet.
I can always just go to a barber. At least I *know* they're good at cutting short hair.
I know I'm not bitter. I know I'm still happy down at the core of me. I know I've come a long way. I know that I can put aside my feelings to make a cup of tea for a coworker who's feeling barfy, because I can see those around me, even when I'm focused on myself. I know I'm a good person and I'm only getting better. I know I have my moments of cruelty and anger and fear and I know that everything hurts right now but I also know that I'm accomplishing my goals, if only for the simple fact that the people I attract now are good. Like Matt. Like you. And because after something like what happened above I come home to a Christmas card that says this:
Because the person who wrote that card never ceases to amaze *me* and make me laugh and make me think and make me grateful. Because she invariably has impeccable timing. And I miss her too.
Read Me a Story
Okay, so the email post didn't work quite so well, I had to go back in and code it so I'm trying this again. (and yet again, it did not work. grrrrrrr.)By doing a test on how fast I read that I stole from fishboy and is right here......
I understand the meaning but I don't remember the story line except for a vague overview a week or two later. But then again, I read 5 or 6 books a week so it could be that or it could be my shite memory. Who are you people again?
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Airplanes and the candy of our childhood
Having known exactly where Matt was 24 hours a day every day for five months it seemed that while he was still on my radar, I was doomed to follow it as far as I could. Due to the wonder of the internet and knowing his departure time over the last 24 hours I tracked the planes from Vancouver to Los Angeles (left late) to Auckland (arrived early) and finally into Melbourne this afternoon. I wanted to make sure he was safely down (in theory - he misses lots of planes but I doubt he would have this time - his parents were picking him up). He left at 3:30 yesterday and arrived at 3:40 today. Well, today for me but he's lost a day, yeah? So, it's not Wednesday at all, but Thursday.Anyhow, now that he is off my radar and uncontactable except by email I expect the urge to call and beg will subside as I try to deal with the rest of it.
Minutes ago, outside in the rain trying to figure out what the hell to do with the container of kerosene (fire dancing - once I can bear to look at and post the pics then you can see that too, he's good at it), the skater sneaks and the pair of jeans he left in the car, I spot a candy wrapper.
We used to call 'em 'Pop Rocks', those naaaaasty carbon dioxide (or whatever) things that pop when they hit your saliva. Remember those? Remember the old urban myth about how if you ate them and drank coke at the same time it would kill you? Anyways, in the corner store on the island they had the 'Gold Rush' gum that came in the little bags that I just *had* to get and Matt ended up with Pop Rocks.
Giggling like a schoolgirl, he was. He even went back for more. It was a joy to watch.
So, there I am, standing in the rain, in my sandals with the kerosene in one hand and a candy wrapper clutched in the other and crying.
It's just so pathetic.
And it will happen again. Just so you know, because he left me all his homemade cd's, his groceries, his cologne, his books, all the things he couldn't carry home. I'm surrounded. And I can't throw any of it out. I haven't even been able to bring myself to rewipe ovr the bathroom mirror that he left the streaks on Sunday before he left. (Oh, I think that may be the beginning of the obsession stage from below, let's hope it's a short one.)
I said I wouldn't whine anymore, I know, but my memory is so bad and slipping away already that I will end up putting things in there so that I can always remember them.
Because I am quite sure that no matter how painful this is, it will be an experience I will never regret and that I will always be proud of myself for and that someday, yes, someday, I will want to remember all of it as exactly as possible. But maybe I should just make a seperate area for it.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
All Those Steps
I think I may be coming to the end of talking about this. Like I said before, there's nothing really to talk about, there's nothing I need to figure out and I think everything's been said over the last couple weeks that I needed to say to myself. So, myself is thinking this morning that myself is done with babbling at itself. (and you). Now, I'm not saying I won't be out here bawling alla time for a while or that I won't have moments in here, or I won't be back in a month with all kinds of 'writey bits' (not sure about that) but I'll be moving the blog along to other things because you and I don't need to keep hearing about it. Repetition is boring and a bit sad and pathetic.So, thank you for your kind words, your lovely LETTER!!!! and once again, sticking it out with me through yet another big fuck off pothole in my life.
Actually, I'm just sort of testing the 'email in a post' thing but I was just sitting here trying to remember the stages. You know, the grief ones that that woman who recently died came up with? Kubler-Ross, that's her. To the best of my recollection, there's ...
denial
anger
bargaining
acceptance
Isn't there more than that? Where am I at? Bargaining?
Bargaining.
I think we can skip right over that one cause I don't think I have anything left to bargain with. I sold it all.
And I won't ever really accept this so we can skip that one too.
Am I done yet?
Oh, I just looked it up. The next one's depression. Great.
Oh wait, nope, skip that one too. It's been covered.
Whew. Well thank god that's all over with.
Or not.
According to some other people, there's actually 10 and not five.
That's just fanfuckingtastic, innit? I've pasted that baby in there below cause it's pretty interesting but there is one or two things I think I'd like to point out to myself.
"Emotional release" is important. I'm not crying because I want to kill myself. Idiots. (oh I forgot to tell you about that - I'll have to put it in later, but it's more about other people and their inability to acknowledge the grief process, that not only death requires grieving or understand when it needs to be respected - which, strangely, I've been through twice already since 2002, is three times the charm?)
By experiencing deep emotion, and accepting it, you will grow in warmth, depth, understanding and wisdom.
Well, that's comforting. I'm all right then. Jolly good.
I may end up being a better person who's as deep as the ocean and as warm as the sun, but Matt will still not be a part of my life. Honestly, this 'no pain, no gain' thing is shite. Can't I just buy some depth?
SHOCK
This dimension of grief typically reflects only the beginning of the person's journey through grief. When the death of someone we love is expected, we often see components of shock, denial, numbness or disbelief. This experience creates an insulation from the reality of death until one is more able to tolerate what is to be done. Typically a physiological response to these experiences include the takeover of the autonomic nervous system. Queasiness, stomach pain, heart palpitations, and dizziness are among the most common experiences.
EMOTIONAL RELEASE
Many people start at this point. One begins to feel and hurt. It is good to cry in grief. If a person does not express this emotion, it will be expressed in some other way; on the physical or emotional level. Some people need to be induced to cry. This is particularly true of men, as are culture makes many men feel uneasy to cry.
PREOCCUPATION WITH THE DECEASED
The bereaved may try to think of other things, but find themself unable to shift their mind from thoughts about the deceased person. Quite often a widowed person continues to feel married along time after the death of a spouse. Feelings of anger and resentment towards the deceased person add other feelings of guilt. This is when most people feel as though they are "going crazy". Disconnected thoughts race through the mourners mind and strong emotions at times become unbearable. Disorganization and confusion often manifest themselves in terms of an inability to complete any task.
SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL DISTRESS
These distresses may come in waves, some lasting from 20 minutes to a full hour. The most common physical distresses are sleeplessness, tightness in throat, choking, with shortness of breath, a need to sigh (that's cute), empty, hollow feeling in stomach, lack of muscular power, digestive symptoms and poor appetites, sensitivity to noise, headaches and general agitation. Certain emotional alterations may be closely associated with the physical distress; the most common are: slight sense of unreality, feelings of emotional distance from people, feeling like no really cares or understands, sometimes people appear shadowy or very small (you mean I'm not always the tallest one in the room?), sometimes there are feelings of panic, thoughts of self destruction, or the desire tos run away and give up. These emotional disturbances may cause many to feel that they are approaching insanity, but these feelings are normal.
HOSTILITY
There is often a disconcerting loss of warmth in relationships and a tendency to respond with irritability and anger. These feelings are surprising and inexplicable to the bereaved. This often makes the bereaved feel they are going insane. Anger may be directed at the doctor, nurse, God, or the Minister (who is a representative of God). Often too, there may be feelings of hurt or of hostility towards family member who for various reasons cannot provide the emotional support the bereaved person may have expected from them. Anger and hostility are normal.
GUILT
There is most often some sense of guilt in grief. The bereaved think of the many things they felt they could have or should have done, but did not do. They accuse themselves of negligence. Feelings of guilt are often expressed in the days or weeks just prior to the death of a person. Survivors often witness feelings of guilt when they were not able to be present when the death occurred.
DEPRESSION
Many bereaved feel total despair, unbearable loneliness and hopelessness; nothing seems worthwhile. These feelings may be even more intense for those who live alone or who have little family. These feelings are normal. Grief is accompanied by many symptoms of depression such as sleep disturbances, appetite disturbances, decreased energy, withdrawal, guilt dependency, lack of concentration, and a sense of losing lontrol.
WITHDRAWAL
The bereaved tent to withdraw from social relationships, and most likely their usual daily routines are disrupted. Life seems like a bad dream.
RECONCILIATION
Time and ventilation of feelings will finally produce a better situation. All of a sudden, light shines through the gloom and the darkness of despair, and life comes into clearer focus. What occurs is a new sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death.
READJUSTMENT
The final dimension of grief in a number of proposed models is often referred to as resolution, recovery, reorganization and reestablishment. This gradually comes, but the scar is still there. There will be times when cycles of grief will hit the person, and there may be emotional outbursts. It is important for the bereaved person to express their tears, anger, guilt and despair to move through these ten stages of grief. Many people try to avoid the intense pain that is involved in the process. It is important to ventilate all of one's feeling during grief. When you do begin to emerge, you will not be the same person. You may not believe it now but you will get better. By experiencing deep emotion, and accepting it, you will grow in warmth, depth, understanding and wisdom.
Monday, December 13, 2004
Mail. Bits.
I wasn't going to write anything for a while here but we all know that everytime I try that, it doesn't work. I think it's because I'm alone here, mostly by choice, but that you are all my 'connection' to the world. Not in that I'm unsocial or shy or so fatally flawed that you couldn't hang out in public with me but in that over the last few years I've cut myself off from more and more people.In fact, until Matt came along, I'd been alone in many more ways than I had ever realized. The sad fact of the matter is, once you realize that, what it is and how it feels - you can't do much about it. I mean, I can go out and make friends but I can't 'make' a connection like I had with Matt. I can't even face trying.
Let's face it, I can barely face getting out of bed - every step, every song, every thought, just makes me more aware of what I no longer have. Maybe it is better to have loved and lost but I can't really recommend the transition.
All this time - sometimes I was lonely but usually I wasn't. Yesterday, sobbing on the couch, casting around for something to do, someone to talk to - there just wasn't anyone.
I have never in my life told the people around me that I was in love with someone. With anyone. Ever. And now that I did, I find that people just don't get it (more on that later). So, why defend myself? Why talk to anyone? Talking doesn't HELP. I don't need to figure out what happened here. I have unanswered questions but it wasn't for lack of me asking. Or Matt trying to answer them. I can't sit and talk about it because there is nothing to talk about.
All there is, all I can do - is mourn.
The mourning is made worse, I think, simply by the fact that he's just-right-there. Because he held me and sobbed on my shoulder and kissed me goodbye. And walked away.
One morning on the island I woke up and rolled over to spoon up against him, my hand right on that part of his arm where the muscle flows down past his elbow and I had an utter moment of joy. The joy that comes when you think that even if it's not forever, there is nothing more I ever wanted than to do exactly that every morning. that I could go without so many things in my life, but suddenly, I'd found what I would give up all of it for. I have never said that before. I have never thought that before. I have never felt that before. I never even knew that I wanted that before.
This epiphany was followed almost immediately by the thought that in a few days, the thing that I just realized I never wanted to be without, would be gone. In trying to explain the simultaneous joy and horror of this to Matt, all I could do is sob and stutter against his back and so all things I wanted to say last week never came out. They didn't come out eloquent. They didn't come out right. They didn't come out at all.
So, yeah, I can say that's a contradiction right there, the "even if it's not forever" statement right beside the one that insists that's a lie. And maybe, after five years, it would be okay to lose him. Maybe I would have had enough time. Maybe the awe of all this wouldn't have existed any longer. Maybe familiarity would have eroded our bond. And maybe not.
But, we needed more time to figure that out.
And so, I go to work and manage not to fall apart, I have a talk with my boss because, amazingly she understands exactly what I've done and how I feel about it and she can share those same things about her and I think I'm alright.
Then I get in the car.
And I realize all over again, just what this means. It's been the first time in 5 months (five months tomorrow, that is) that I haven't communicated with Matt. It's been the first time in months I haven't felt like I had someone to understand me. Because he understands me so well.
Except, obviously, where we both assumed the other was on the same page, emotionally.
One of the things I needed to know from Matt was how he felt - there's not a lot of talk about that in the emails. He could tell me how happy I made him and how happy everything we did made him, but the feelings? He couldn't access it, it was just a blank and so he went out for a walk, the only time we weren't together for the whole last 9 days, because he has always been amazing at trying to see other views and trying to answer me in a well-considered way.
He came back to tell me that when he decided not to fall in love with me, he took control of his emotions and didn't allow himself to. And that was that.
So, when a feeling comes up, he ignores it or pushes it away, yet every action he made could only have been based in love. I don't understand this, I couldn't look at him the way he looked at me and *not* have been in love. It's a lie. Either he's lying to me. Or he's lying to himself.
Whatever, he thinks it's control and I think it's denial. And whether or not we will come to anything different than that, remains to be seen.
Since I bought his car from him, over the next while I'll be making payments into his bank account, so in a way - there will be contact. Contact to say, deposit=, total=, amount owing=. He emailed me the bank information a few minutes ago. Just that and nothing else but a :) - and I had to talk myself down from emailing him to tell him I didn't think I could bear the mourning, that I don't want to die but that I don't feel like I'm alive. That I take it back and I want to be his friend because I can't navigate not having him in my life.
I tell myself that in a week I won't feel that way and convince myself that the card I left in his bag is how I will feel and so that is what I must stay with.
But, god, it hurts.
(I'll be back to finish this later, I'm cold and tired of sitting in the garage and I've just cried for two hours).
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Anger
Last week was the best week of my life. Last week was the most terrible week of my life. I don't think they evened out, but I can tell you this - 51 minutes ago I watched a crying boy walk out of my life forever. I think this week will be only terrible. I think the difference between, "I'll see you again someday" and "This is the very last time I'll see you, ever" is a difference that is too horrifying for me to comprehend.I'm angry about this. I'm angry that some stupid fuck thought that the best thing to say to me was, "wahoo, now you can go out and party!" I'm angry that all these years of waiting for the right person have gotten me this. Oh sure, now I know those people exist but what does this prove? That I recognize it and for the first time in my life give someone all of me and they walk away with it? I'm angry because I've been through so many hard things, and I've been through them alone. And I've survived and I've struggled and I've kept my sense of humor and I've managed to even make myself a little better person along the way. I've learned and hung in there and stuck it out.
I'm angry that I say I wouldn't trade my time with Matt for anything in the world and *I mean it*. I'm angry that I love him enough to let him do this. I'm angry because I didn't try to change his mind. I'm angry because I didn't fight. I'm angry that the only choice I have to protect myself is to never have any contact with him once he's gone. I'm even angrier because right now that hurts the most. And maybe I didn't think I'd ever find someone like Matt but the sad fact of the matter is, I did find him.
Maybe the reason I'm the angriest is because he doesn't disagree with me. There's nothing wrong and everything is right and even if I wanted to blame something, someone, anything - there is no reason for this and nothing to blame it on. I'm angry because already pieces of him are slipping away, pieces I will never be able to replace with more of him. I'm angry because nothing can make this better. I'm angry because eventually it will be better and everything *will* be alright. I'm the most angry because it shouldn't be alright.
It's wrong. It will never be alright.
I'm angry because I deserved this to last.
Do you think the universe can hear that?
I deserved this you motherfucker.
Friday, December 03, 2004
away
I woke up this morning, thought, "Hey, I get to see Matt today!" Smiled.Realized how I'd just felt without even thinking, got up, went into the bathroom, threw up.
Nice.
Anyways, I'm leaving you.
I thought it would be a nice change for ME to say that.
We are off to the island of no contact with the outside world until next Saturday. I can't promise I'll be back in here right then, but I shall be thinking of all of you. Take care.
And just for fun.....my weekly horoscope for Nov 29 - Dec 3.....
Monday brings with it an interesting trine between Jupiter and Neptune, JENNIFER, which is not much good for practical things. On the other hand, it helps greatly to visualize your goals or to tap into the power of your imagination. Your love life takes on a new twist this week as both Venus and Mars in Scorpio square Neptune. This could bring about some confusion in love affairs and intimate partnerships. You may misunderstand the depth - or the lack of - feeling someone has for you - either of which could be embarrassing. Don't believe everything you hear either, as there is a lot of strange magic in the air, which might not always work to your advantage, especially if you let yourself be fooled. Have fun, yet don't do anything you might regret until you come to understand the situation in more depth. Saturday offers a great chance for a happy weekend - so enjoy it and relax - you deserve it.
I reckon there's a lot of things I deserve and never get so I'm not holding out any hopes on a mere two piddly days of happiness.
And a final parting discussion round....HE: I was thinking that tonight or tomorrow, we could sit down and talk about and write down what it is we both want to gain from this week, what we don't want and how we might go about getting it. I know that might sound a bit dry and methodical, but it could be a good way to make sure we are both approaching the next week the same way. Just a suggestion anyway, we can talk aboot the details when I get there. I haven't really thought about how or if I would quantify it, just thought it might be a good idea. We can see how we go when I get there, hopefully the best approach will become apparent once we start talking about things.
ME:There's a part of me that thinks we may have gotten the big stuff out of the way and what I want to get out of this the most is (sissy word) closure. Not closure in the sense that, *kay that's done, he's dead to me* but so I'm not looking back in 6 months or a year or ten years with unanswered questions or doubt. Or if our paths do cross again, there will be nothing but good things there. Does that make sense?
Or you could just tell me I'm right and you're wrong and we'll just do whatever I say.
HE: I was talking to Dan the other night over a few beers and said the reason why I think it is a good idea that we still go to the island for the week is that we both needed closure. He looked at me like I had just ordered a decaffinated frappacinno latte with soy, and said what the fuck is closure. To which I replied, we need to sort it out. He nodded and had a sip from his beer, then said fair enough, good idea.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Next bit, tear open the shirt, hand over the knife and run like hell.
Jesus, is this just making us look really bad?
Actually, if you're just checking in now...you will have no idea, so you should just go away. I've tried to make it understandable, but it may not be. As always, love to Jen,also for making me stronger than I am.These are my responses to the last one, below:
There's a part of me that wants to debate all this with you and that's not something I'm going to do. Because I agree with all that you say about you and I. I don't think you knowing what I think an want is going to make any difference or make anything easier.
I do know how rare a relationship we have and I'd like to think you know that too - but the truth is, I know it in a different way than you do. And maybe that has to do with age or experience or any of 800 other things but it changes what I'm willing to do and the things I'm willing to commit to and it doesn't for you. There's no way to change that.
There's no point in talking endlessly about it although at some point we will have to talk a little bit - there are things I think both of us need to say. But, a decision is a decision and I have to believe that you are making the one that is best for you. So, in a way, it's better for us to discuss it over email - I don't want to actually watch either of us be hurt and this hopefully will give me the time I need to deal with it.
What I said to you before you went to Alaska was an extreme example I was using to make a point because it frustrates me sometimes the way you see things. It's me being able to see something you can't and not having the ability to explain to you in a way that you will believe, really believe.
Which in the end doesn't matter because it's something you have to come to yourself. Which is why I said it made no difference if I told you what I felt or thought. It occurs to me that I have other reasons for that too and that maybe it is something I should be sharing with you. Having said that, I did write to you today - I took it to work because I wanted to sit with it for a little while and see if I was okay with sending it. And I think I am. But it's still at work so I will have to send it tomorrow. I think that it will give you a better idea of me.
I don't want you to call me. I need more time and I can't talk to you right now. You are such an intermingled part of my life, everything around me right now has a living and breathing Matt in it and I am angry in a way because you have it easy - you'll be going somewhere familiar where I don't exist, where I've never existed and in that place I have no tangible presence, while I'm here completely surrounded by you. And that's hard. That's even hard to think about so right now this is about all I can handle.
And then this:
Okay, so I need to say some things, so that you see and there is no misunderstanding. If there is something that makes no sense then we should talk about it but maybe that's something we can do on the island. I want you to understand the process I'm going through this week and as much as I'd like to sit down and tell you in detail all the things I see, I think that this is the best I can do right now.
Just because I see your point of view and I can understand it - that only means that I understand *you*, it doesn't mean that I agree with you. My mind, the thinking part of me, it can reason this through - but I do not know if you have reasoned it through or listened to your heart and so I don't know how I am to respond, because we should be using the same parts of ourselves to make this decision, for otherwise we are talking about two completely different things and I've not been as clear as you think I have.
Rationally, it was a difficult decision for me to give this choice to you. Rationally, it frightened me. To look at it, you and me and where we are and what has happened - it's a mess and it's doomed. So how do I figure this out? How can I trust what is happening now when it's rotten and painful and not at all what I planned?
How do I trust what I didn't plan, what I have no control over? How can I continue to trust when all it does is cause me pain? If I just stopped what would I be losing here? But I think we miss out a lot in life when we don't trust. That's the cost. We miss out on the gorgeous, textured beauty of life. We miss the possibility of wondrous things on the other side of fear.
So, I sat out in the rain and listened to my heart.
It says that this, you and I, are supposed to be. It says that we met for a reason. It says that it worked hard o bring us together. My heart believes to it's very core that you are part of it's destiny.
That you may not be it's place right this very minute or even for a lifetime but that we aren't done with each other yet. That it could walk with you towards anything on this earth and not be afraid.
I didn't want to hear that, Matt, I still don't. But, if I am to be completely honest with myself and with you - that's what my heart says. It says that it doesn't know how I'm supposed to work it out - only that it's brought us this far and the only thing I can do is to trust it. My heart tells me that if I do that, if I commit to trusting it - then everything will work out. That I don't have to say, "I have to have this, you must do this, I will be here for a year or two years, you've got six months" but that I only have to say, "I want this in my life and I will do what I can to work around it because if it's right, I won't be asked to do something that is wrong for me."
To know that maybe I don't know now if this is the right decision but to trust that given more time, the way I should go will become clear. My heart insists that I must have that option and that the only wrong thing is to refuse to be open to the options.
Strangely enough - I think you believe this same thing, in your own way - and so what your decision means to me - what *I* see - is that when your heart looks at me it doesn't believe the same things mine does.
and yes, I said this, you guys are getting all of it, as embarassing as that may be...
To be horribly honest, I think it comes down to one phrase, one high-schooly sort of thing that carries it's own truth and that is - 'You may love me, but you don't love me enough.'
No one wants to know that. No one wants to see it. But I think it's true and it's hard to admit. It's even harder to face, Matt and that's what I'm trying to do.
I've given you more of myself than anyone has ever gotten and I did that because I couldn't help myself. It feels like I never had a choice. But I've been afraid to tell you this for the very same reason - it puts me in a place where I'm more vulnerable than I've ever been in my life. Right where everyone can see it. Right where no sane person would put it because it's obvious that putting it there in the open will only cause more pain.
But, considering I did that the very first week I met you for the first time in my life, it would be stupid for me to stop now. You've been careful and respectful of everything I have given you. It HAS been stupid because suddenly I realize there's so much I wanted to say to you, to tell you, to share with you and now there's no more time. Everything now will only sound like fear and desperation, instead of what it really is.
I believe in telling people I love how I feel but I haven't been able to tell you that. It's fear, because suddenly I can be hurt by someone taking that away. But if I love you then I do want your happiness and I do want you to grow. I have to trust that you are making the best decision, because a love that isn't prepared to do that, isn't really love at all.
I've never been willing to compromise on what I was looking for. I loved Scott but I wasn't in love with him and so I left. I was in love with Jed, but I didn't love him, and so I left. I would rather be alone than be somewhere my heart didn't want to be.
And if your heart doesn't want to be here, it would go against everything I believe to try and make you 'stay'.
So, I can say all that. I can believe all of it. I can promise myself that what happens is what should happen. I can have every intention of getting through it day by day because this is the choice that was made and it's a choice I don't entirely disagree with and can't change.
But it doesn't mean that I'm not utterly devastated. And it doesn't mean that it hasn't broken my heart.
I think a lot of what I want to say is in reply to what you wrote - I will try to add my bits in the middle of yours, though I don't know how the format will look when it gets to you.
I would have to say that I have definitely approached this from what my mind says, and I haven't been asking my heart. I guess this is more my way, for earlier in relationships I listened more to my heart, which I found hurt more and when I was more insecure, tended to make me do things that in retrospect weren't healthy for me. So now I tend to go to the other end of the scale - I see a lot of the things that I do in my life to be like a teeter-totter, with opposite approaches on either end. I start at one end, try the other end, then slowly work towards the middle to find some sort of balance in my life.
I always felt that our paths would cross later on if they seperated now, and I found comfort in that, that is what my heart told me. But when you said that we couldn't stay buddies, it was all or nothing, I was forced to change that. And like I said before, that was good for me. I can't expect to do that, especially when I am the one leaving everything behind, going off to new things and you are staying here, that really isn't fair on you.
My decision didn't come down to if I loved you enough or not, it was about what I thought I needed to do in my life, how I could become the person I want to be, how I could do the most learning and growing.
Previously i have been quick to fall in love, which has led me to do things that weren't right for me. This has been my biggest downfall, so I tried not to not "fall in love", but to love you and myself equally and to force myself to do what was healthy for me. Of course you made that easier by not requiring things of me. And I guess in a way I had in the back of my mind I was leaving and at the time I couldn't see us seeeing each other for the longest time, I tried not to fall too far in love to protect myself. So although my love for you has grown and grown, I have tried not to fall madly in love. And for the longest time, I thought you were the same.......just one more thing we should have talked about.
I have never been more truthful and open with someone as I have been for you, and it has at times been very hard. In a situation like this, I would normally tell you what I thought you wanted to hear, avoiding conflict and not revealing myself. But as always with you, I am opening up and trying to tell you how I feel, even when I know that it will hurt you. I hate hurting you, it is the last thing I want to do, but if I am going to be true to us and the relationship we have shared, then I must be open and truthful.
(Everything now will only sound like fear and desperation, instead of what it really is.)
I have been thinking about this too. At the start of our relationship it seemed so right to not define it, and I think it was right at the time. But somehow that became not talking about it. And now we are both scrambling to talk about us and what is going on, which sucks.
(I have to trust that you are making the best decision, because a love that isn't prepared to do that, isn't really love at all.)
More than anything in this world, I have been searching for unconditional love, love that is prepared to let go, love that only wants the best for the other person. I want to be able to give it, and have it given to me. Maybe this is ignorant and unacheivable, but I don't think it is. I am not saying that this is what I am asking of you, but is something that has driven me in my quest of self knowledge and is one of the many aspects that make me, me.
(But it doesn't mean that I'm not utterly devastated. And it doesn't mean that it hasn't broken my heart.)
I know. I knew I would which is partly why i have avoided talking about it and making a decision. I'm so sorry, not that that helps or makes anything different, but I am.
I need to hand over the computer, and get away from the screen for a bit, looking abck through what I wrote, I feel that I have more that I need to say, but I will have to reflect on that for now.
My turn.
I think that you consistently go a little too far in the opposite direction. I don't believe that not being buddies means that we will never cross paths. I think that staying friends might actually be what would destroy it. I'm not giving you ultimatums like -I can never see you again- or -you can never ever contact me.- It comes down to the simple fact that being a part of your life but not a part of your life isn't something I can do without a lot of pain and I'm not willing to do that. I don't want to know you're dating, I don't want to know where you are or if you're hurt or happy or sad. I do want to know you're okay and I want you to know that I am always here if you need me but that's about it. It *is* a cop-out because it seems like the easy way out, to keep being friends, but it's not. That's why I said too about the blog, if we aren't going to be friends then you can't have access to my life - whether I know it or not, because in it's own way, that would allow you to still be a part of my life and defeats the purpose. I think you get that part though.
(So although my love for you has grown and grown, I have tried not to fall madly in love. And for the longest time, I thought you were the same.......just one more thing we should have talked about.)
I'm not saying I'm madly in love, Matt. Madly in love, to me, implies something based on lust and blindness and I don't think either of us is blind, in any way. Definitions are fucked and I don't know that I want to try and define what I think of as love and in love right now. I think you and I need to understand each other and I think we have a rare opportunity here (more on that later) - I think I'm saying that with you there is a balance between the two things that is something I never thought that I would find. I'm glad I've made things easier for you but that wasn't my intention, it just is what it is and what if felt right to do. You've helped me learn many things that I've not been able to until now and you've changed who I am in a fundamental way.
(I hate hurting you, it is the last thing I want to do, but if I am going to be true to us and the relationship we have shared, then I must be open and truthful)
I don't want you to be anything else. I wasn't going to say any of this because I knew that it may make it harder for you and that it may be coming from a place of wanting to hurt you back but then I realized that, I needed to tell you the truth and not what I thought would make things easier, because you deserve it and it doesn't help either of us understand if we're not telling the truth - that would invalidate our entire relationship in a way. Besides, we all know I'm too honest for my own good, although with you that's moved to a whole new level. I do a lot of "I think" and not very much "I feel" and that's not honesty - it's smokescreen.
As I said up there, I think we have an opportunity here to do something good for ourselves with this. Of course, it's only in my messy life that I would even be in a situation where I knew when a good relationship will end but rather than be angry or resentful or give in to the urge I had for about 5 minutes to say, 'well fuck you, it's over NOW' - I think that this gives us time to understand each other and to ask the things we need to know. It's a gift to be able to never have to look back and say, "What if I'd told her this?" "What did he mean by that?" , to not have those questions and loose ends. That's part of the reason I need to process this because by the weekend I want to be able to discuss it without the shock and pain I felt the last couple of days. Because although I knew there was a 50/50 chance and I thought I knew what you would do - my heart didn't really believe it. The week of the wedding ended up being great but it will always have a taint on it because of that first night and I am trying to avoid that. I want this to be a good week, one that I will never regret, one that reminds me that I didn't miss the chance I had to learn and love. One that proves to me that one the other side of pain and self-doubt are beautiful things that make the journey worthwhile. I think this is a good thing and I think we can only gain from it because I doubt either of us will ever be in this position again.
Whether or not you're asking unconditional love of me, I think you have it anyways. That doesn't mean I'm good at it or that it hurts any less or that I'm going about it the right way but I do want only what's best for you, even if that means I have to deal with the pain of giving/ choosing it. I believe it exists but I don't think it can always exist without pain. Without regret maybe but we are taught to be selfish. Being selfish saves us pain because then we can blame someone else. If I give you this without being selfish enough to think only about myself and how I feel, then I'm the only one who can e responsible for the choice and I"m the only one I can 'blame'. If I choose to whine and cry and guilt you and you still don't stay with me then I can blame *you*. That's what our society has taught us. Does that make sense?
(I'm so sorry, not that that helps or makes anything different, but I am.)
I'm sorry too, Matt, it would be nice to think that this is a perfect world and things always work out the way we want them to but I think it's important that at least we utilize the opportunity to look at this differently while we have a chance to do so and use it to our advantage. I'm amazed that I am saying things like this, I'm amazed that I might actually have gotten somewhere on my own road, it's been a very long one and sometimes I thought I was never getting anywhere and that even if I did, I'd never find anyone who understood what I was on about / aboot. I'm amazed that you've been here and that you seem to, at least a little. That doesn't mean I won't cry or get angry or try to stab you to death with a spoon (after you hide all the forks and knives) next week but I'll do the best I can.
