Thursday, September 30, 2004
Let's Go Over That One More Time, Shall We?
In the last two weeks/fourteen days/fortnight:-I've had xrays, lived through the stress of the wait to find out the results, all the while living two lives in my head, one life for "it's okay" and one life for "it's not".
-While leading extremely stressful long days filled with frustration at a parallel work life where no one knows.
-I went on vacation to find out that someone decided an end result before there was a chance for anything to grow. Assuming that I thought the same way. And I still can't figure out how that happened because I never saw it coming - I didn't have a plan, I didn't have expectations but, at the same time, I didn't discount anything either. And now nothing feels true anymore, except the board I'm balancing on that lays on the head of a pin a hundred feet tall that blindsides me every night in my sleep. And that's wrong, I have to reconcile this within myself because there is truth there, I just can't trust myself to see what it is now when I didn't see what it was before.
-I've done and said things I regret. That I didn't mean. I've acted out of character. And I don't know how to address that, to him or to myself. I don't think stress is a valid excuse, even stress combined with shock and anger and pain and alcohol. Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's hurt in realizing that I don't mean anything really different than anyone else has. Maybe it's needing to talk and not being able to because distance is a terrible thing. Maybe it's just the hangover of the trip and maybe I'm *still* not seeing what I should be. But, I just don't know. And now I'm afraid to ask.
-I came home and lost my job.
-So, I made the decision that I'm selling my life and taking what I can't do without and going 'home'. Which has been on the menu for the last few months but it wasn't the plan to do it without a job, without a car, six weeks from now without any idea of how I'm going to actually get through it, mostly on my own.
-Six months or so after that, I'll be turning around and leaving again.
-I spent all afternoon trying to clean some shitty virus off my computer and I don't think I've succeeded. So let's add frustration to the list. In between picking things up to decide pack/toss/sell and then just putting them down again, because everything here has a memory and everything is special and I don't feel I can do without any of it right now. In looking around and knowing that although I'm happy to be going back to my woods, I'm leaving my own home, my first home and that no home will ever be or feel the same again.
-I'm having a fat day. Okay, maybe not such a big thing but I'm feeling a bit worthless these days - feeling good when I looked in the mirror may have been a help.
Over lunch today, Shari said I seemed to be doing quite well for all of these things happening all at once.
And I was.
Until I sat down to eat dinner and I looked at the cat and the cat looked at me and I started to cry.
It's not to say that a thousand million wonderful things haven't happened in the last 14 days or that I'm not happy my job is gone. Or that I don't believe I made the right decision to accept someone else's foregone conclusion if that's what I have to do, live what I have for today and deal with the consequences later, but, suddenly, it's just too much. I'm so overwhelmed I can't even see tomorrow. I can't get off this rollercoaster of incredible/terrible long enough to see *myself*.
I wasn't going to say any of this here because of who'll read it, but I couldn't make myself be okay with censoring my own safe place. It's just not fair. And I can't handle anymore 'not fair' right now. So, I'm sorry. It's not here to provoke you. It's here for me.
And, although I believe the last two weeks are part of this feeling, which is as strong now as it was in May, that they are a part of something I'm supposed to be doing, are indications of a direction I'm supposed to be taking - I'm so scared and I feel like I'm five years old and lost in the mall, sitting in the middle of the floor with big fat tears rolling down my cheeks.
Except that this time there's no big friendly adult to tell me everything's going to be okay because that adult is supposed to be me.
I Got Nothing
Because I got too many things. If that makes sense.So, here's a list of search words for Random Gestures from my site tracker, some of which I'm tempted to put in myself cause I have no idea what they could have cross-referenced in here.
But, like I said, too many things and some of them I'm too busy and tired to tell to you. Some of them need to be said. And some of them I can't say to anyone at all.
meggezone
1 "apo 500" high school
1 "hugh dillon" chevy commercial
1 "hugh dillon" hates
1 "make someone at work laugh"
1 "metropolitan grill" calgary
1 "my potbelly" fat girl -pig*
1 "smoker's tumor"
1 "thomas jane" smoker
1 "why to double clutch"
1 "you can drink listerine"
1 chop-it-all haircut blog
1 different words for"cough candies"
1 dogs vet issues that are drink...eing a lot and bloodshot eyes
1 dosage of cephalexin for bad arm infection
1 ebay algorithim
1 greens+ blog
1 http://www.dooce.com/
1 inertia super natural exies
1 j.bully
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
small, teeny, tiny vent
1. I don't like people who don't return phone calls.2. I don't like email exchanges that go the following way...
Can you ask ... to keep an eye out for a cheap car for me?
(as he works in a dealership and also knows what he's doing)
... says you can get one cheaper in ...
and the buses there are really good. Let us know if there's anything we can do.
I had already checked the buses - they don't run when I need them to. I don't know anyone else who might come across a decent car without actually having to go out and look. I don't think it's fair to ask a friend who knows nothing about cars to go out and look FOR me and purchase a car for me when I have family that knows what they're doing. I don't want to ask anyone to go out and look with me here. I don't want to buy a car here that may not make it there. I need a car for when I get there. AND I DID JUST LET YOU KNOW THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING YOU COULD DO.
Christ.
The Day After
So, 'business decision' really means we're not doing so well and you don't bring cash in. But whatever, what they've actually done is save me the trouble of quitting and given me 'stuff' I wouldn't have gotten if I quit. So, those things are all good.Considering midnight last night I was having nightmares about the original scaryboss and at 7 am they were about T1 (and M2), I'm assuming that eventually those will go away too. Another good thing. Waking up in a pool of sweat is a whole lot easier to take when you know you don't have to go back.
So. What to do? Start throwing stuff out in anticipation of moving. Sell the bigger stuff and whatever else I can. Do people in apartment buildings have garage sales? How does that work? Get the leasing people over to price the place. Pick up some temp work for a couple weeks. Dentist.
Study for the test for the tech job I applied for as they've emailed to say they'd like to speak with me around the 8th. But I have to write a test on the SL100's. Which although they are still interfaced by the DMS, I have never seen before. And it's been two years since I've touched a switch. (That will only make sense to phone people. Sorry) Many myriad things to do.
On Monday, my friend Derek took M2 and I for a plane ride up Vancouver Island, we had lunch in Tofino and flew back down the coast - this is Long Beach (the only place you can surf). So, here's a couple pictures.
Our plane.
Me
Tofino Airport
Pacific Rim National Park
And that, kids, is all I got. My tea is done and there are tasks to complete.
lyric at post:
..I can see a new horizon underneath the blazin' sky
I'll be where the eagle's flying higher and higher
Gonna be your man in motion, all I need is a pair of wheels
Take me where my future's lyin' ..color>
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
So, back to what I was doing at work when they called me in to toast my ass
Be Careful What You Wish For
Especially when you walk into work and think - oh man, I wish I didn't have to come here anymore.Cause then maybe about 11:15 ish, you'd be relieved of your position by a "business decision" and walked out of the office.
I'm not even sure I'm upset. At all. Wow.
I think I need a nap.
Monday, September 27, 2004
Home
I am. And so exhausted I can't even process the simplest information.Will be back soon.
Thanks for leaving the light on.
Monday, September 20, 2004
There's an awful lot that can be fixed by my friend Timmy
Unfortunately, how I feel today is not one of them. So, I had to buy a chocolate chip muffin as well.Mental note to self: find better way of dealing with trepidation by this time next year.
You will see however, by the quote over there on the right (which I've been saving for a special occasion) that this year while personal growth is not ensured, there is one thing that it won't include. X-rays are clear.
And now I have to go pack. Because the only thing I can see right now is a face in an airport.
lyric at post:
..the dream police
they live inside of my head..color>
Sunday, September 19, 2004
MaJen
Although my mother sometimes comes out with the .... well... most WTF? things (the bit I mean is at the end), infuriates me frequently beyond reason and scares the crap out of me, it is still more often than not, that my mom rocks.Saturday, September 18, 2004
I Seriously Just Can't Come Up With Titles Lately.
I have had a busy day. I did much more than I thought I would whilst my brand-spanking new bottle of 30-30 Anejo sipping tequila squatted innocently in the corner. Taunting me.Okay, I kid. It stopped with the come-ons after I buried it under a mound of clothes in the bedroom. I almost fell for this one though.... “I’ll do anything to lick the polish off of your toenails.” But only cause it caught me off guard.
Although I have mentioned this before, many many moons ago, I am resurrecting it because it dovetails nicely with something I found today.
But if you really love him and you're in this for life, isn't it time you married your pet?
Then once you come to the end of your long and happy life together, what else is there to do, really, but have their ashes remanufactured into a diamond?
I have to mention here - it's primarily a service for your human loved ones.
"What a pretty brooch you have there."
"Why thank you, it's Ed, he died last year. He is quite lovely, isn't he?"
Ewwwwww.
More snippets
In the 'you just broke my heart' category - they shot Bosco. I'm crushed. I had to watch it twice. I can't even talk about it.(wahoo! new season! ER! Third Watch!)
Oh and Boomtown crashed but they've resurrected one of my favorite guys for Medical Investigation.
Sadly, although I do not turn the TV during the summer, there's five or six shows I don't ever miss during the winter.
The 'bad timing' category - how could you get married during TV premiere week? Okay, I'm just kidding. Mostly.
The 'distant misty past' category - Van Halen are playing here in October. Which no longer makes me think, 'Jump', OU812 or 'gee, Eddie Van Halen's cute' but 'hey, little tequila, Sammy?". Bit sad, that.
That's all I got. I'm up too early and so I am leaving the house. I have a little Anejo of my own to pick up.
lyric at post:
..one two three
take my hand and come with me..color>
Friday, September 17, 2004
snippets
Folletti! See, this is what I miss when no one comments! I had no idea! I also have no idea what's going on with you as I haven't been to UVDFC or KAGville in ages. Good to see you, chickie. Drop me a line, if you've got a few minutes.In the "apparantly I am not as clear as I think I am category" - an email today....
How come I never understand what the hell you're talking about in your e-mails.... it always feels like I'm walking in part way thru a conversation...
Are you coming out here on the 23rd???
Are you in Ladysmith next Friday (the 24th)???
What does that mean, are you moving out here???
Did you talk to me about this before and I forgot or what???
And what ever happened to moving away and never seeing us again???
Or, maybe that should be the "everyone else just can't keep up with me" category.
In the "are ya mad?" category....
I would not be the least bit surprised if you decided to stay in Calgary for the winter. I also forgot to tell you the reason we are looking into something small is to try and keep the rent down under the $400.00 range.
Although, 'under $400' are the best money-related words I've heard in ages.
I have no more categories right now - I will come up with more later, I think because I have no stories today. Although I did buy the most gorgeously colored shawl on the way home to go with the white dress and to make me feel better about hauling 20 lbs of stuff 20 blocks in my backpack. Ouch...
lyric at post:
..I feel you
Your sun it shines
I feel you
Within my mind..color>
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Uh, can you give me a bigger paper gown please?
The DB told me today he thought I was quite a 'reserved' human being. I guess he's never seen me throw anything or match T2 profanity for profanity. I'm not sure how he's missed all that but it was a nice thing, albeit weird as all get out, to be thought of as someone who does not wear her emotions on her sleeve.I seem to be back on a more even keel though. It's hard to explain but there's this part of my brain that whispers "jusssst don't go. what you don't know won't hurt you." And so the few days before these yearly rolls-around-the-freezing-xray-table, I fight with myself. Back and forth. Forth and back. Up and down. A little more back and forth.
Freaking out a little the whole time. Like when you get pulled over and you KNOW you've done nothing wrong but you're immediately guilt-ridden and turning your last week over in your mind. You know?
Intellectually, I know it's not an option to just not show up but that little child inside of me who believes that confirmation is a death sentence - insists that if no one ever has the opportunity to say the words - then nothing will ever happen. Once I get in there and it's done, everything is fine. And I am back to being Jen. Because, then, it's too late to back out, innit? It's over. What will be will be but now there's no way I can avoid it.
Unless I never answer the phone again and move to Timbuktu.
For, Jen,also - I looked it up in my 'candle magick' book (it was a phase) and vanilla is ruled by Venus. So, really, not a bad way to go wrong.
As for the rest of the check-up, it has, once again, been confirmed that I am a freakishly healthy woman. Except for the weird things. No, really, I am.
Especially for someone who's abused her poor little self the way I have over the years. I am sure this assessment will be borne out by the routine blood tests - which, since I must fast for the cholesterol one - will not be done until next month.
Now, all there is left is the Monday morning phone call. Wheee.
And finding out if Canadian customs was having a good day or not. But that will be while I am off at the dreaded board meeting.
LFD quote of the day:
he: So this prescription might cause you not to have your period while you're on it.
me: Uh-huh.
he: Does that concern you at all?
me: I should be concerned about that, why, exactly?
he: Well....
me: Right then, I suppose that's a risk I'm willing to take. Can't they give stuff like this to everyone? Wouldn't that be a big business? Like that guy in town here who stops your period by scraping out your...
he: That's enough, I get your point.
me:Is he really busy? Do you know?
he:Jennnnn...
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
I Sit
Until I am moved into my own office (handily located in the farthest possible place from the people I work for) I sit in the 'production' area. Besides myself, there are two women and a man in this area. We sit close together. With no dividers. We affect each other on a daily basis.In fact, arriving at work at the regular time after hostessing a meeting at 7 am, the first thing that was said to me was.. "Are you in a better mood today?" By one of the people who fucked up my day yesterday. Up until then, the answer may actually have been "yes". Up until then....
This week, due to the problems we are all having with 'decision-making from higher-ups' as well as an overwhelming workload, my looming appointment, the man breaking his ankle in three places and well, other stuff we are all dealing with we have now had:: - - someone cry every day, a worker too stoned on painkillers to be effective and (because I'm not a public cryer) a 'thrower of things' - a couple of which actually hit people - and a string of swearing in the hallway (also me).
Violence is bad. This I know. It's the opposite end of the spectrum from when I used to quietly bitch to those around me like everyone else and then go home to spend the night further upsetting myself.
Lately, I've been working from the - fuck it - get it out - approach as I don't get really angry any more but there is some excess energy that needs to be dispersed to avoid self-torture later on.
Middle ground today was, after the swearing .... send an email that starts "I am quite upset that..." (which was nice and polite but came from a place in me that was saying... no matter how badly you are treated it doesn't give you the right to pass that along. Here is the work you needed and I am no longer putting in overtime on this project past what is required to save my ass. Because all the extra work I've been doing to help save your ass, just stopped. Sorry.)
Move on. Let it go. Go tan. Go home. And pet the cat that is making you sick.
And it's only Wednesday.
But, apart from the appointment in the morning (kill those chickens, kids), the waiting to see if M2 got a customs officer who was having a good day (throw in some incense and a candle), I won't be at work until noon. And on Friday, come hell or high water, I'm leaving at 12:30, like I'm supposed to.
I think the people with whom I sit are actually starting to believe themselves when they say, "So, we're just getting a postcard in a couple weeks, hey?" I wouldn't be surprised if there were two such postcards in the works.
Like any other storm though, this will blow over. Didn't I warn you that these two weeks would be nasty? They've just been made nastier to the power of ten, by work, is all. And the desire to just .get on with it now that the decision's been made.
Reigning Champion
For the second month (and we've only been playing for two), I am the reigning champion of the The Thesaurus Game. I have yet to lose.Which, really, isn't that hard when the word is "drink" and two of the other three people in the office have never even heard the word imbibe before.
Two minutes to defend my title. Candy from a baby.
lyric at post:
..scars are souvenirs you never lose
the past is never far..color>
Is it Only Wednesday?
Being in the office at 7 am after working until 10 last night was not my idea of a good time, however I did have the mostest bestest coolest idea for a gift, right after I woke up from dreaming I met Jen,also who was hanging out with Fiona Apple.Oh, the idea, though!! I could just kiss myself.
But I have to go back to work. I can't even stay to tell you how I managed to get my finger Krazy Glue'd to my chin at about midnight last night, except to say, it's really not suprising I really am that much of a klutz.
lyric at post:
..you know I've seen a lot of what the world can do..color>
Monday, September 13, 2004
Men Are Stupid
not all menjust every single one I encountered today
the men who fucked my entire week right up the ass
because their inability to make decisions, although reminded and asked and pleaded for the last three weeks due to my upcoming vacation, has now become a serious problem
my serious problem
let's add the substandard intelligence of the male cashier whom, upon seeing two women, one with short hair and one with long, immediately assumed we were a couple and even though the long haired one paid for the groceries - handed me the receipts and then winked at me
and let me just throw in the woman who during the tour of the apartment building for our visiting staff member (ie: the tenant), spoke only to me the entire time, you know, being the man and all
because I have absolutely no issues with anyone's sexuality but I do have serious fucking issues with ignorant, narrow-minded cliche-driven sub-human beings
... now that I feel marginally better - I am going to bed. Because I have only recently gotten home from work
considering the rest of my week and weekend will also be carbon copies of today don't take it personally if I'm not here
because I may only be here to yell and leave
but if anyone would like to send an email for a one-off guest post, I will gladly accept and post it
because after this week from hell, I am not touching a computer during my vacation unless forced to do so and will be gone until the 28th
I'll try and say something nice before I leave, but otherwise you shall have to amuse yourselves
thank you and good night
Must be Monday
Can I just say that anal retentive I-built-a-crap-database administrators are right at the top of my list of people to kill?Can I say that?
Or maybe I should just have a chat with the 'others'.... (via Blue Witch.)
You are a spirit witch. Many envy you because you
draw your power from within. A mix of all
resides within your vital spirit and makes you
what is called a "natural" witch.
Lucky you. Your powers of intuition are
extraordinary, you're intelligent, creative,
and beautiful but have a sense of mystery about
you. You have a tendency to stay invisible and
don't like a lot of attention. You have a
strong urge to travel and most likely have
already been further than most.
brought to you by Quizilla
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Sunday Pieces
I've walked the carpet shampooer the one block to the repair store - I'm pretty sure that the broken bit is whatever they don't cover under warranty. But, whatever, it did not require the begging of a ride from a friend, it shall come back fixed and I shall be able to shampoo the carpets. Which makes my anal self happy.Mr. Perpetually Sick and Helpless has moved from the bed to lay between the laptop and my face. One arm is looped through the strap of my tank top, all six toes curled and hanging on and his chin is resting on my arm. He doesn't look like he's planning on going anywhere soon.
I cannot move and it is hard to type.
But I have work brought home to complete and I am hungry.
My phone woke me at 4 am the other night, beeping softly on the shelf above my head to text a very welcome message from far away.
From someone who is missed. Tons. Heaps. Terribly.
But only for another 9 sleeps. One of which I went back to with a smile.
Walking Home
As I step outside, leaving work late, it feels like autumn. Walking. Dreaming. Realizing suddenly that summer is over and fall really is here. It is hard to tell these things sometimes in the inner city; there are no leaves falling, no shifting colors and so the changeover is subtle. You don't realize it is here until one night you walk the streets and feel the change. The crispness of the air you breathe, the chill, the heavy weight of fog; the smells of the end of a season and the beginning of a new one.Stopping for chai, I see a man reading in a corner - intent and handsome. Here, so close, I imagine I can feel the quiver of his aura, his breath upon my skin. I see the book he reads, of poetry, and imagine I can feel the words he reads in my own mind. I can feel how it moves him; how it touches his heart and speaks to his desires.
Instantly, intensely, I long to know his soul, to breathe it in and feel it course through me. To look upon the secrets of what he believes beauty to be and to walk among his memories as I walk the streets of the city. To step softly into a corner of his heart and curl up, briefly, to rest; before moving on once again.
I fight the urge to simply walk up to him and take his face in my hands. To kiss a stranger, to know the excitement of skin touching skin, to feel his lips on mine. To know him, through this imagined connection - to understand him.
Instead, I return to the street and the desires in my own heart.
Walking. Dreaming. Along my favorite streets, having felt alone in the day and appreciating the decision to walk amongst the evening crowds. Alone and yet surrounded by others. Walking. Dreaming. I slow near a busy restaurant, listening, and imagine that I can hear the hidden and internal dialogue of fantasies flashing in the minds of people inside. Fantasies so brief and without coherent thought they seem like tiny sparks arcing through the darkness, lighting my way past. Lighting the way towards home.
Reluctant to finish my journey so soon, a little farther along, I stop to eat at a small Italian place. A leisurely and satisfying meal, a drink with dinner, resting in public, close to others but lost in my own contemplation.
Done with my food, I push the plate away and lean back to study the tables around me as I finish my wine. I see friends catching up: reliving memories with laughter and smiles. Families: out for dinner together - tired parents and fidgety children. A table obviously uncomfortable - a father with a child that I imagine he sees only on weekends. I watch couples sway towards each other, and, made lonely by their intimacy, I clear the bill and step outside to continue on my way home.
Walking. Dreaming. Separate, as always, with my thoughts.
In autumn.
Friday, September 10, 2004
Such a good family
Oh right. They're not.Because I may not have mentioned this, but I'm not looking for jobs here. At all.
Does it seem like there's a lot I'm not mentioning lately? Ah. Right. There is. I apologize profusely but the blog really is just a small snapshot of what's really going on. You guys get all the best stuff though. Really.
OKAY! Mostly. Sometimes, the best things have to be saved for myself and can't be shared. And sometimes, the intensely personal things I may normally say - I won't because those people may see it at some point. And, unless I tell *them* first, I cannot tell you. That's just the way it is. Sorry.
Email just received....from my old landlord...
Hows it going, been thinking about all the details of you moving out, and I've got some questions
Will you have a car out here? Where are you going to put your stuff in Calgary? Store it? Or move it to the Coast? What things are you used to having in Calgary? Is your Condo 2 bedroom? Do you have a washer and dryer or do you use a laundromat?
Okay now here are the things I have been checking into, rentals close to the hospital in case you don't have a car? Rentals in this area that are bigger than ours (we know a couple other landlords.. good people) in case a bachelor situation(which ours are) isn't what you want to go into. Is the possibility of living in a travel trailer an option to save some money for travelling?
(because they will do this for me, knowing that I'm not planning to stay very long).
I have also being looking into rides from Calgary to here, we know a couple avenues that "might" have trucks coming this way, to haul some stuff....All things I am just researching at the moment ...So if there is any "wills " and "won't s " that you can tell me about how you want your life to be when you move back that will help me narrow the field with the details at this end... Anyways give me anything you can think of....
And it does make me sad, a little, that my family can't (or won't) see the things that other people do.
All I have to do is flip the condo to 'rental property' and show up with a job. Tell us what you want your life to look like and we will do everything in our power to give it to you. When was the last time someone said that to you? Cause, seriously, do not the people that do see - rock my whole world, or what?
lyric at post:
..no other boy can take my place
when I look into your eyes
our love shines, yeah, our love shines
like a diamond mine..color>
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Miracle? Or Sign of Armageddon? You decide.
(just so you know, those horoscopes are creepin' me out. I may have to take them down. ahhh, wait.... 48 hours? It'll all be over tomorrow. Well, that's alright then.)Did I mention that my carpet shampooer isn't working since someone borrowed it from me? Cause isn't that just always the way?
Which has actually been upsetting me, especially since the V-8 Incident. Cause the carpet is still orange.
I'd checked my receipt and my manual (packrat!) and for the life of me could not find how long my freaking warranty was. So, I gave up.
Tonight, in the midst of 800 other things, I thought I would check the website one more time.
It's under full warranty until 10/11/2004.
Well, fuck me. Something actually broke down BEFORE the warranty ended?
Now I just have call and find a service place and get it to said servicey place. Without a car. Which is probably in another city. Which will probably cost more than I paid for it. And it will probably be the $2.50 belt that's broken.
But, still.....
lyric at post:
..they're shaking with the rhythm
making with the rhyme
jumping like they
just won the 6/49..color>
best quote of the day
he: So, is your throat feeling better?me: Yes, yes it is.
he: Do ya think it could be just the cold that the rest of us have been fighting for weeks?
me: Why, then, would I have had it for three months? And why would allergy medication make me feel better?
he: Hey, I'm just trying to give you hope. You're obviously screwed.
mind-numbing
Can you take this 80 page faxed document, hand-written (not printed but full-on tiny writing on lined paper) in FRENCH and just type it verbatim into Word? So we can send it to the French client?Sure, but you do realize I don't know French, quit French in high-school and in fact, don't much like the French** and that it's going to be a complete piece of incorrect trash, right? Which will probably end up saying something like... well, like... horrible due to me having no idea what I am typing as I cannot decipher nor guess at word patterns in a foreign language and this shitty writing?
(I couldn't think of anything suitably horrifying - my brain is numb, you see - abject apologies)
Right?
...made worse by the fact that you framed it as "this is a project that I'm sure will interest you" as opposed to (as Dooce might say) "here's something that will cause you to jab the hot forks of discontent repeatedly into your own eyes!".
Trend of the day in the paper: Life Caching. Apparantly, what we bloggers DO.
And because I am really unable to come up with anything else, hopefully I can appease and amuse you by sharing three of my horoscopes for the day.
these following two are sun sign and rising sign. and I think they may be contradictory but I'm not really sure. I'm all confused.
Cancer: Everyone takes a wrong turning now and again - it is nothing to be ashamed of. The important thing is that you know you have strayed from the path you should be taking and what happens over the next 48 hours will leave you in no doubt at all that it is time for a change.
Leo: There is an element of risk in most things in life and you are well aware that what you are planning could go badly wrong. You are also aware that if you don't go ahead with it you will hate yourself for being so timid, so prepare as well as you can then jump right in and pray that it all goes according to plan.
On the up side, my throat doesn't hurt as much. Although, that is not an up side for Cabot the polydactl cat.
**disclaimer - a) Canadian French. and b) that is by no means meant to reflect a blanket statement about the French but rather a great big wooly, arrogant and man, the air is stagnant under here blanket of the French that I have KNOWN. Thank you.
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
anybody want a best friend? cuddly. cheap to feed. likes Kraft Dinner.
I applied for the perfect job today. As a sort of return to a tech. That they haven't been able to fill. Mostly cause they seem to be looking for me and my somewhat unique blend of talents. How weird is that? We shall see, I suppose, but they want someone right away. Can I manage that? I guess I don't have to figure that out unless they want me. For a 33% raise, I can if I have to.I found out today that I actually can finance the Airborne Pathojen Tour as I was hoping to. Which is good. But leaves me fighting the temptation to just say fuggitall and leave right now. Cause, yanno, I should really HAVE my UK citizenship before I leave. And I don't. oops.
The hair has been a success. Not that I care. But... . resounding success, all the same. Although it has been sort of weird to be stared at again. I'd been blending into the background for the last seven months or so. I sort of missed standing out. Though not enough to go back to my own haircolor.
Tony:here called with tickets to Sara McLaughlin tonight, which I couldn't afford, and probably wouldn't go to even if I could. I like her, don't get me wrong, but I don't think I could get through her 10 songs but rereleased as 800 remixes depressing shit without trying to hold my breath until I died. I am, however, upset because the opening act is Butterfly Boucher. Whom I think I'm in love with. And that is all Yeti's fault.
Kay, well, I never mentioned this bit before but sometime back in July I would wake up in the morning and my throat would hurt. Just on one side and just when I swallowed. But, it would go away after a while.
And, yes I did see LFD in July but I figured whatever it was would just go away like all the other weird 'wonder of modern medicine' shit.
It didn't. In fact, by the second week in August it hurt to swallow all the time. I however, was not worried as I had to see LFD next week anyways.
Was not worried that is, until Tuesday, when I lost my voice.
Then I was very worried. So, today, I left work and went to one of those nasty nasty walk in clinics. And the rest you shall get verbatim from an email because I am hungry and tired and must go away...
Dr. Stewwwwart (thinking out loud) figures it's mono, except I not any tireder than usual and no swollen glands. And not, you know, feeling crappy or anything. And although I know mono's making a 'comeback' - that's not it.
oohhhh, is that Mono, did you see? can you tell? should we get his autograph? Didn't he used to be big back in the 80's?
Oh, then I'd say it's some sort of allergy. Get a cat lately?
(Dogs don't cause the same reaction as cats. Apparantly. So the fact that I've lived with dogs for 8 million years has no bearing on the acquisition of Cabot a few months ago.)
Does it sleep on the bed?
(Oh, buddy it's allJen allthetime.)
So 24 hour Reactine and now I test. 4 days on. 4 days off. Because in the time honored tradition of Jen, that diagnosis feels right. So, no longer worried, but, if that's what it is.....then it's Reactine all the time or no voice or no cat.
And how can I be one more person who lets the poor fucker down? so. fuckfuckfuckfuck.
And this really is playing right now. Purely by chance.
lyric at post:
..I want to get my hands on him
Somebody's party in a London flat
You're where it's at and I know
You want to see me lose my mind..color>
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Gone gone gone
I'm not exactly sure who that smiling and endearing woman, who keeps freakin' me out every time I walk by the mirror, is......but she sure looks an awful lot like Annie Lennox
...(except of course for the bottom half of her face)
...she seems beyond tickled pink to have the old Jen back, though.
SuperPowers
I woke up this morning and arrived at work to find that I seem to have joined SpiderSal in his transformation to a superhero.I'll trade you a little invisibility for a cuppa, SS.
...and yes, I just edited out the litany of petty offences and devaluing (sp?) remarks. because they don't need to be itemized.....
You know, the job search has beeen desultory at best. I think I just ramped it up. Five or six notches. Because I'm done. The bad just tipped the scales over on the good. And, although it will break my heart to leave the DB and the T2, it's time to go.
Just call me HiddenJen. You may not be able to see me, but I'll be here all week.
lyric at post:
..don't let them win
hey now, hey now..color>
Monday, September 06, 2004
Weighty thoughts and light hearts
(have I mentioned I hate the 'edit html' 'compose' crap in here. It fucks with my shit.)This is an incredibly well-written and thoughtful post. In part:
No fanatic has the right to criticise another fanatic for fanaticism.Boy is on his way via a hour long text conversation and late boarding (thank god I can do it over the web cause I hate. typing. on. the. phone. - damn those aussies and their texting). Plane is packed full and he will not board until they call his name (and they did). Makes him special. LOL.
Hate has no value and no purpose beyond its own regeneration. Out with the virus. Those who hold strong views are responsible for them and for the climate they create. Those views are not harmless. They are never justified in the light of ordinary logic. Only in the dark and twisted personal worlds of those addicted to the euphoria of certainty do they become simple and compelling.
We can all do something to end this.
Although, if I'd been the one who'd taken 30 int'l flights in the last three years, I'd make them carry me on. Kicking and screaming. Preferably after a shot of morphine in the ass.
Safe and happy flight, big fella. See you in 15.
Suddenly
Apart from the problems still with the javascript, having my shit checkup on the 16th, being broke and (until my lower cost 'oh no, officer, they didn't fall off the back of a truck' ebay nicotine patches arrrive) I am suddenly cold turkey, - - M2 is on his way out of the country today. Welcome to my life. Won't you come in and sit for a while?Actually, I laugh at that because I'm not so concerned with any of it. Not really, in a deep down part of me, at all.
Even though M2 lives roughly 1,000 km away from here there's never been any sense of disconnection. By that, I mean that I don't feel like he's very far away and I don't feel 'apart' from him at all.
That could be due to technology, I guess. My morning email, the emails backandforthing throughout the day, an occasional phone call or text message. Emails that don't really have any guardedness or feel like they are self-conscious. Lately, our own blog, where I can ask questions about the little things that we would learn if we were physically together all the time. Things that he may learn from reading this place but me without a comparable access to him. It could also be due to the fact that we've been seeing each other for a couple days roughly every two and a half weeks since we met.
But, I have this feeling that the credit is due more to us and the people we are right now than to computers or distance or anything else.
I'm thinking about this because our gap time right now is five weeks. And today, in four hours from the time I actually started writing this, he's getting on a plane to spend 10 days in London. It's not a distance thing, not at all, 1,000 or 10,000 it doesn't really matter.
It's that I realized on Saturday that suddenly, he wouldn't be there whenever I wanted him to be - that in London, he won't be near a computer and certainly shouldn't be looking for one. Maybe a little bit in realizing I'll be thinking more of him than he will of me because I'm in a routine and he will be somewhere exciting with his favorite person in the world.
Still, I've gotten used to that instant communication. I don't depend on it or expect it but I have come to cherish it for it's unexpectedness and the way it makes me laugh. The way it makes me feel.
And although the trip doesn't change anything in the slightest - it caused me a little bit of panic. And a little bit of feeling suddenly alone.
It's not that I don't want him to go. I do. Absolutely no question about it. In part for the same reasons I would never even consider the thought of asking him to come here, even if I thought I had the right to - because there are other places he should be right now. And whether or not those other places will ever include me remains to be seen and isn't something I spend any time worrying about.
Cause he really is the most incredible fella ever.
Besides, in 15 days, I get him all to myself (except for that pesky wedding and visiting thing) for six and a half whole days.
This still stands. Maybe now, more than ever. It still doesn't need to be figured out.
And it still makes me everything it did five weeks ago.
What could be more important than that?
Little help 'ere, Britain?
M2 is going to London tomorrow (today) and the only thing I want is candy. Of course it is a candy that I don't know the name of, but it's a traditional / old one as it was around when I was ... well, about 22 years ago. And I can't find them here. The only way I can describe it is that they look like wine gums but they are tiny, and hard, and taste a bit like soap. I did a quick search on the interwebnetthingy and I think they may be Floral Gums and that they made me think of soap because they're perfumed but I really am not sure.Anyone?
Sunday, September 05, 2004
do unto others, RIGHTNOW, you big idiot
Because I have not gotten around to putting Kaetlan in my blogroll (whom I have been reading thanks to Watership Dog) - I check in from my favorites list, laugh my ass off, snort some water all over the computer and then wander off again. I'm pretty sure I've never commented and since we all know that pisses me off for some completely insane 'jenreason', I'm not sure why I haven't. But, I can admit, righthere and rightnow, that I have a suspicion it makes me a very bad blogger / human being.So, as a complementary and superbly put post along the lines of my point about life in a 20 block radius, I give you *Help Had Better be “On The Way,” Or I’m Fucked*.
Because it absolutely rocked. And I'm rightthisminute putting her in my blogroll and if I had something witty to say, honestly, I would leave a comment, too.
excerpt:
Isn't she lovely?
lyric at post:
..tell me why you're here
and who you are..color>
lightbulb moment
The cat's food is fairly small little roundy bitty things and he has this annoying habit of jamming his face full on into the bowl and proceeding to fling these little bits everywhere to annoy the living bejeesus out of me.Or so I thought.
Until the other day when I realized - after hours (minutes) of keen observation (standing in the kitchen telling him he's pissing me off) that due to the fact that he has no teeth /all broken teeth in the front, it's actually that the food is so small that it just falls back out when he gets a mouthful. So, what he's doing is grabbing as much as he can and then chucking his head back to get at least a bit of food to the safer back part of his mouth. Thereby causing everything near his big gaping hole to escape and fly merrily about in all directions.
Sad, but true.
lyric at post:
..and it suddenly occurs
that I'm surrounded by these girls
but there ain't no woman around..color>
gahhh. One last hairball.
Okey. Fixed it. But -going 'way now.
Saturday, September 04, 2004
perpetual questions
You know the ones --- why am I here? - what am I supposed to be doing? - why the hell do I get pimples at thirtyfuckingfive? - those unanswerable questions that plague us all.At different times in my life I've had answers I believed to be definitive to all of them.
Only realizing somewhere along the way that part of growing up is learning that you have to leave certainty behind. Because nothing is certain. I read something once that said something like (cause of course I can't remember exactly), - trust no one that says theirs is THE way. - There is always another point of view and you may very well be the one who's narrow-minded and stagnant or who's definitions are outdated. That sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to carefully consider other points of view and periodically review your inner convictions.
And because I have such amazing and wise friends, I have opportunities to do so on a regular basis.
I'm going to paraphrase madly here a couple of different conversations but the meat of the discussion was built around the concept of 'knowing' in a 'relationship' and the feeling that there was always something you were missing that may just show up the next day, or month, or move.
I, personally, have always been firmly convinced that I would just know. How? Really.couldn't.say. I don't know how I would know or what it would feel like or if I should be looking for things I've felt before or something completely new.
I just would. Because attaching it to a result would naturally restrict finding something you couldn't even quantify. And why would anyone want to set the outcome before even starting the journey?
Having said that and having asked the same sort of theoretical question of the aforementioned wise ones, in part to maybe find a better definition / description than I'll just know, part of the answer I recieved in return was this:
When you wake up one day and realize that you haven't settled at all, but rather have found a place that makes you happy, and comfortable, and loved, then you do commit.
Not to the thing, but to yourself. To keep the thing.
We're all afraid there's something better around the corner. But in the end, we grow up when we realize that the things in front of us are pretty damn wonderful, too, and that chasing those things around the corner - that often end up being empty shadows - is exhausting and not always better. There comes a time when you look around you and say, yes, I always want to keep on searching, but I want to be in this moment, right here, right now, most of all.
When that happens, you know.
lyric at post:
..said, the battle's almost won
and we're only several miles from the sun..color>
Friday, September 03, 2004
go away before I open the door and gut you with a dull knife
I may have mentioned once or twice before that being a board member for my condo corp is a fucking nightmare. It's been a nightmare for the entire two years that I have been on the board. And has actually provoked me to in-your-face rudeness a couple of times - which is something I very rarely do to people I do not know well (or at all, for that matter).
Because I am a please and thankyou, let me get the door for you, quite right, cheerio, go home and beat the cat half to death but be polite to strangers sort of girl.
Believe it or not.
The guy that lives across the hall, nice enough fella, but for some lazy fatass whiney refusal-to-accept-the-slightest-responsibility unknown reason has decided that I am his personal board member.
The only time I see him is when he knocks on my door to complain.
Not such a big deal, right?
It wouldn't be if he weren't one of those people who ask a question and then don't listen to the answer but just continually repeat the fucking question from different angles and approaches. OR if he were someone who actually showed up at a meeting OR if he weren't someone who, thinking I am not home, comes across the hall every hour on the hour to knock, thereby preventing me from relaxing after a long week because I refuse to answer the door. Which in addition, requires me to be absolutely silent so he cannot tell I am home.
Case in point. Our last conversation, where after he had knocked on the door FIVE times and I was tired of being silent in my own home, I flung open the door and through clenched teeth, screeched... "WHAT????"
he: The cleaners haven't been here lately.
me: That is because, as you know, we've switched management companies and have had some difficulty in getting keys for the new cleaners. They will be here in the next two days.
he: Right, well, see, nothing's been cleaned.
me: I know that, but as I said, blah blah blah.....
he: But the garbages need to be emptied.
me: Someone will be here in the next two days.
he: Yeah, but you know, it really pisses me off when ....
me: What? And you don't think it pisses ME off? (I was getting a bit shrill at this point.)
he: Well, I was considering not paying my condo fees to this new company unless someone cleaned.
me: Oh, that's helpful. Threaten to not pay, which then leaves us short money in a tight budget, which may eventually lead to us not having cleaning fucking people at all.
It was longer and more annoying than that, but you get my point, right?
I am rightthisveryminute seriously considering putting a note on the door that says....
"Dear Person who keeps knocking on my door, I have just returned from the hospital after having major surgery and require my rest. Which you are disturbing. I will not be answering my door. If you have a concern that you would like the board to address, do what everyone else does and email or leave a letter for us. If you have a specific issue with the building, please call the management company. Oh, and also, FUCK OFF."
dresses for a girlie girl
And we're back to the shitty camera again. Boy, I missed that. Not.The white one is one that has one of those little slippys underneath and the transparent shit on top (see? I do not know proper girlie terms - I live in constant fear that the feminine fashion freaks - the FFF - will come to kidnap me and brainwash me.) Not that I don't like dressing up once in a while, mind you. It needs to be a bit shorter though so I need to take it in for alteration. HEY. I said I'm not much of a girlie girl, I didn't say I wasn't a tramp at heart. Did I?
The second one, which is soooo not that color but a dark blue and very very sparkly is high in the front but has a low back.
So, I'm prepared for colder weather and warmer weather. Although, I'd like to keep the blue one for the Christmas party.
Took me all of 15 minutes. Speed shopper, aren't I just?
hmph
I didn't say it would be a 'nice' picture. Because obviously I hate all permanent record of myself (well, there's a few I don't mind, mostly taken by people who know how to make me look better. Filters or something.) Besides, I get the feeling the hair is stepping back to March length at my haircut on Tuesday. So, go look at the dog pictures and then speak now or forever hold your peace.
second pause
I probably should mention, cause I've been not thinking about it - not on purpose I don't think - that it is that time of year again. On the visa/customs day, I will also be heading to see LFD and associated xray people with-those-cold-fucking-tables for my annual are-ya-dying, did we miss some? check.That'll be two and a half years. Which puts me halfway to kicking some big C ass. Considering the survival rates for my type are pretty high and the first five years are the deciding ones....
I guess what I'm trying to say here, cause I know you guys will worry, is that if I were concerned - it would be bugging me. And you would know it. The simple fact that I barely even give it a second thought and the periodic check with my internal self indicates smooth sailing ahead, is all I really need to know.
Doctors though, require slightly more.
Regardless, I think all mood swings for the next two weeks should be forgiven in advance and in return, you'll all be the first/second to know my results on the 20th, which will be right before I head west.
Deal?
You may now commence with the lighting of the candles, the beseeching of the fairie gods and the sacrificing of the chickens.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
pause
I came home from work with a blinding headache and slept for a couple of hours before actually accomplishing the fix to our java (email on it's way to you, mon birdgirl). Heaving a massive sigh of relief that I am sure caused a small hurricane in the Galapagos, I then took a million pictures of myself.Most of which got deleted. Because, frankly, there is no better way to make yourself feel like the hunchback of Notre Dame and the Elephant Man all rolled up into one.
Excepting I did get a few good ones to replace the hideously frightening ones that M2 currently keeps sending me. The shocks, frankly, have been debilitating and damaging to my self-esteem (SEE! See what you're doing? Nasty man.)
Although I did not bring the associated software and cable things home from work with the digital camera I borrowed, once I can find a place to safely download the slightly (and yeah, I mean slightly) risque ones, I shall post a nice purty one here so you can all see why my hair tickles my eyeballs.
It's all a ploy for sympathy, really.
Although, it has been occurring to me that I may not actually have the right facial shape for long hair. But that, I suppose, still remains to be seen as my bangs need to grow another two inches at least. So ... I'll let you know next summer.
I'm also a little pissed that I cannot find a dress to wear for the wedding in a few weeks - owning only summer long dresses, little black stretchy dresses and a very formal 'opera' dress. Considering no one was overly amused that I wore black to my high school graduation (which I attended as an audience member because I quit high school four months before - I went back, jeez, calm down will ya?) I think I should wear something slightly more errr... cheerful to show my appreciation of the wonderful couple.
And my coveted status of the last one to still be unmarried. Which is pretty cool and not likely to ever change. But not suprising, I think, to all of them.
I am, however, excited beyond all reason that the first night will be here and I am very muchly looking forward to it and that great big tub. The suite on the top floor, fresh coffee and paper at your door in the morning, as well as the choice of breakfast in the pub next door is surpassed only by the fact that it is on the water and - as a treat for the boy - is it's very own fantastic brew pub.
I will more than likely babble on about this next trip over the next few weeks - although, due to possible customs/visa issues - the week before is going to be a tiny bit tense.
And I may be spending the night alone in that non-cancellable pre-paid expensive gorgeous and romantic room telling myself how wonderful I am.
You've been warned.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
caught
Okay, I admit it, I occasionally read The Blog of Death - if only because I do not read newspapers nor watch the news. And frankly, did anyone believe that Rick James died at 56 of natural causes? Hello?Ya just have to keep on top of these things, you know.
ANYWAYS, I just have to say, I'm sad - I checked in and suddenly - Laura Branigan was toast - c'mon, singalong now..
I think they got the alias (Gloria) that you've been living under (Gloria)
But you really don't remember, was it something that they said?
all the voices in your head calling, Gloria?
PeiPei, the oldest panda bear raised in captivity, and
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who posited the five stages of grief and wrote more than 20 books on death and dying. And although I think she was a great and smart woman that the world needs to read more of and having seen people (and myself) experience all that she spoke about - I'd like to ask her if all those words and all that belief gave her any comfort or any insight at the end. Wouldn't you?
And the saddest of all, the death of Marcel Caux, who, among other things, was one of the remaining five Australian WWI veterans.
This makes me saddest of all because until this year, I've never actually met an Australian I've even remotely liked but in learning about the history of the continent over the last 8 months, I have been alternately ashamed and angered at 'our' treatment of the Australians. As well as a lesson the rest of the world should have learned (but probably won't), we have all lost a piece of our history, and one less person to teach the upcoming generation what it means to go to war.
And, that should make all of us a little heartbroken.
Let's Play a Game
This afternoon, on a mostly empty and quiet floor there is one emanating a higher level of sound. I've been busy all day. Too busy. And I wander in to see what's going on.There are four people playing the "Thesaurus Game". This is explained to me as: one person turns to a page, picks a word and then the others give what they think is an equivalent.
Since they started with "menstruation", let's just use that as our example, shall we? Are you thinking of a word? Okay. Say it was "period". That particular one is tenth on the list. Say it was "the curse". Well, that one is fifth, so you'd win. See how that works?
Mr. Thesaurus Game Champ 2002 challenged me to a game. Now, he's a pretty quick witted guy but he doesn't really deal in words, like we all do, on a daily basis.
I won the first round.
He won the second.
The third word is 'enterprise'. I think..... damn, either 'business' or 'undertaking'. I go with the dark horse - undertaking. And because it was the first word on the list. . . I won.
Take that.
But thanks for being such a good sport, Mr. I wouldn't even shake your hand since I lost after I boasted I could kick your ass.
About 10 to five I looked outside to discover that it was pretty damn near dark out and since I hadn't been for a tan in a while, I figured I may as well bail on the labels I was going to stay at work to do for Lesley's wedding and stop in on the way home. Tanning is relaxing and warm and soothing. I could do with a little of all three after the last few days.
Good thing I did as the shop is halfway home and since it was raining by the time I actually got outside, Calgary had it's very own one-woman white wet t-shirt walking down the rush hour side of the road contest. (I won, of course, being the only entrant).
Entering the tanning place, I see that it is customer appreciation day. I had no idea they had these. Or that it was today. The cheerful tanning ladies seemed bored and therefore, quite happy to see me - chattering and fussing. They entered me in a draw. I got my 20 minutes for free. They gave me a little tub of free lotion, enough to cover my whole body. And when I was done, a glass of white wine, cheese and crackers and some heavenly sort of salmon cream cheese spread. Finished off with, what else? chocolate. By this point, it had also stopped raining.
Stepping back outside, smelling like a fruity drink with a paper parasol, I decided that I would take tonight for myself. No work. No labels. No attempt at working out the java kinks (sorry am), no meeting with the board members. Just me, with the sadly neglected cat on my lap, the silence, a book and a glass of wine.
Because sometimes, reminders come in unexpected places just when you need them the most.
Thanks, ladies. I appreciate you, too.
