Friday, October 31, 2003
hmmm
I just checked my old pay stubs and apparantly I didn't get a raise. I just paid way less taxes. No idea what that's about. Will just enjoy it while I can, or until they figure it out......
And someone visited the site today by doing a yahoo search ... for ... "munchkin boiler". Now, that I just don't get. They want to boil munchkins for Dorothy? They just want a really tiny boiler cause they have a teeny little house? I'm at a loss.
rah rah, David in California
random blog hopping leads me to this heartwarming (if you're an ebayer, anyways) post. After my experience shipping to Singapore in which I ended up paying 1/3 of the selling price for the postal system's bad quote (and yes, I'm aware I could have refused to ship but we had already agreed on the price and that felt wrong to me), only to have the receiver not even bother to acknowledge the kindness (and no, she didn't have to), stuff like this brings a little tear to the corner of my eye..... non-drunk but just as happy. Ray, I'm right there with you. Kudos to the both of you.
Thursday, October 30, 2003
Trick, Treat, Perish, Pay
A sharp rat-a-tat-tat on the unlocked door off the porch startles me from my thoughts of him. I lean over to set my gently steaming mug of tea on the end table and get up to see who has come to visit.
Three small beings - ghost, hobo, wizard - mill hopefully about in front of the door. They are unaccompanied by an elder - although surely there must be someone just out of sight - at the end of the lane perhaps.
I hand each a bundle and drop some coins in their slotted tins. They twitter happily amongst themselves, thank me, and patter back across the porch.
I stand a moment in the open door as they fade into the darkness, watching with a faint smile and wondering if they realize...
They don't know, really, what night this is or what, with their small decorated bodies, they represent.
All souls. Not just friendly souls, but all souls. They are souls, come back, crying at the door - hungry, mourning their lost lives. You give them food, money - anything to substitute for your love and blood - hoping that for another year, it will be enough.
Headstones and hearts
During that hazy hit-snooze-every-6-minutes time this morning, I dreamt that Hugh Dillon moved into my building. Into the basement. And Colleen and I were planning a road trip to Bamberton (of all places) and decided to take him along with us, hoping that we could get him to stop drinking. You know, with the band breaking up and all. Weird.
I got my print (Finding My Heart) from Alex yesterday. I've wanted it for a while and she had posted that she only had 3 or so left, so it became slightly more imperative. I think I may put it up in the office. She also sent one of her postcards with a very sweet message. It's funny cause when Billy and I were in Seattle I found myself looking around, like I'd see her walking down the street or something.
Day 23 v.2
Labyrinthman @ 2:48PM | 2003-11-02|
Gee... yer so canadian. ;)
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
found you!
This post follows the tradition of Found Magazine. Their 411 follows:we certainly didn't invent the idea of found stuff being cool. every time we visit our friends in other towns, someone's always got some kinda unbelievable found note or photo on their fridge. we wanted to make a magazine so that everyone can check out all the strange, hilarious and heartbreaking things people've picked up.
Last night, in bed, as I went to put down the book I'm reading - which I know, seems to be taking forever, I'm only on page 109, but it's kind of technical and wordy and although quite good, it makes me sleepy - and a note fell out. A quote, actually. I can only assume it was written down by the previous owner.
W. Somerset Maugham
Of Human Bondage
Made me wonder for a few minutes, as I turned out the light, whether or not they were doing what they wanted to do, now. I hope they are.
luckycharm @ 9:57PM | 2003-10-29| If the previous owner is like me, then they need that quote to remember to wonder about that
nothing quite like
waking up to the first snow day and having a cold shower. because although we've told the management company we have no hot water in the mornings, not to mention heat (as our heat IS hot water), they've yet to call someone in. I feel quite uniquely awake now and prepared to handle the day, except that I have to go outside to do so.
-6°C
Overcast. Light snow and blowing snow.
FEELS LIKE -16°C
WIND N 41 km/h
GUSTS 52 km/h
RELATIVE HUMIDITY 93%
Day 22 v.2
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
no, you're kidding, right?
One of our guys here is on his way to the US for a presentation. He came in all dressed up and when I asked him what the occasion was he said, "I'm flying to Nebraska today." And then we both started to giggle. And it's nothing against Nebraska, by any means. It just seems like it's one of those places you hear about but that you're not sure really exists. Much, I assume, like most Americans must think about Alberta, Manitoba and Saskatchewan.
Storm warning today. That'll make the puddlejumper happy, she much prefers snow to rain - not like her feet don't get wet either way, but who am I to point that out? She is entitled to her weather preferences, after all.
We're gearing up for a conference next week. My task today? Set the time and date on 120 clocks. Apparantly they asked we set the time zone of each participant - I can imagine that the look on our office managers face was enough to have them drop that idea pretty quick. And here's a really neat idea, one of the 'freebies' is an apple for each of them, that's been grown with some sort of stencil on the skin so that our company name is 'shadowed' onto it. I haven't seen one yet, but it sounds kinda funky.
Day 21 v.2
esch @ 6:06PM | 2003-10-28|
i go to a novel writing workshop, in Ohio - and people say the same thing.
actually when i tell them im going to Ohio, they laugh.
even if they're working at the airport.
v. strange.
luckycharm @ 9:52PM | 2003-10-29|
I live in the states and I'm not even sure Nebraska exists. I hear they grow corn there though.
Chris @ 1:45PM | 2003-10-30|
My grandma lives in Nebraska! Wyoming is better than Nebraska...~hint hint~...see? It could happen, if *he's* going to Nebraska!! :D
Monday, October 27, 2003
Dougie does laps
Dougie and I went and had a little chat, and now I've trained him to run back and forth, rather than just in one direction, which necessitated teleportation in order to return to his point of origin. I told him he was not allowed to use non-existant technology, anymore. We have an understanding.
Wahoo! You're the best, big guy! Thanks!
point of reference
He hates having his picture taken. Which is backed up by all the pictures I have of him, I'm pressed to find a good one. This is from the last time I was back on the rock, yup, mouth open, probably telling me he hates to get his picture taken - which I'm convinced is the issue, since he was a beautiful young man and grows ever more visually appealing as time goes on. Regardless, this is T, ice blue eyes and all. Ex-boyfriend, best friend, biggest inspiration and owner of all my worldly goods when I scoot.
waking up in another city
4 degrees this morning and smack dab in the middle of January in Victoria. That airwet heavy bone chill as the rain runs down your face. And predictions of 10 cm of snow by Wednesday, back here in the prairies.
I'm all about the weather today.
Day 20 v.2
yj @ 9:40PM | 2003-10-27|
was this october (up till today) weather-perfect, or what? we got spoiled.
*watches dougie motoring across the top of the screen*
y'know, if spiders could be *trained*, i might be more pleasantly disposed towards them.
i said might.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
chinook
It's currently 19 degrees outside with a warm chinook wind blowing. I was just out walking the dog and even after eight years in Calgary, the sheer thereness of a chinook leaves me standing on the side of the road with my mouth open, staring.
One of the byproducts is something they call a 'chinook arch', and the clear and definite demarcation between the chinook clouds and the white clouds and blue sky behind them is strangely beautiful in itself, but once the sun sets and the line between the two is tinged with the colors of the sunset, it lends a realization of how truly tiny I really am. It's like standing under the roof of the world as it rolls back like the moving parts of a huge stadium. Or, one small little pearl, watching my world split apart as the clam shell opens itself to feed, pearlescent shell interior, and all.
Due to the fact that my digital camera cost $25, this picture is a pale pale reflection of what just happened, but it'll give the general idea of the arch and the line between...
how many revolutions of the planet?
I love modern technology, when there's a time change (which I *never* remember) and you get up and all your big brother pieces of equipment have already reset themselves.
After reading yj the melodramatic "Goodbye", I've added the later companion piece to the Tombs, written partially, of all places, in North Bay, Ontario. Gahhh, 1996, seems like a lifetime.
That's all I got.
Day 19 v.2
Saturday, October 25, 2003
burning questions
from NoMoreOzone...
If there's one left over, does this mean we all have to start over?
Just exactly who is "painfully thin" painful for? Fat people who have to look at them?
"manana" always reminds me somehow of the muppets singing that song. You know the one... mana na na, bum bum bada dum....(I never said I could sing).
And now I'm hooked on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
Friday, October 24, 2003
random poem generator
from this guy bases it on your blog.
she should know better
this point, out
powered by 5 pm.
Which puts us/me Age especially when I could
probably manage to put down
others / in my life, when
I know, why, we
were shipped yesterday,
after the accented diatribe
of good
thing that of the most part,
quite loudly, for
their personalities
the
evening when I know is,
to hurt.
and
told
me so
always wondered what I
was
in
my rhythm
was in here, with some comments
made you may not
so different because if I
became her. And he
actually means
to be this
point.
I still have a healthy
way.
so, the phone rings
I reluctantly tear myself away from GQ (thanks esch!) and figure out where I left it the last time it rang, 4 days ago....I pick it up to hear - "Hi sweetheart. So, I get the bill from Sprint yesterday and it's for a dollar eighty nine. I mailed them a cheque, and I thought that maybe I should call you, before they write me to say - We want your business, but not that badly."A bone-crackingly wonderful two hour conversation with T ensued.
On Tuesday, the accented diatribe of my lovely Texan/New Mexico girl.
And tomorrow, the tentatively planned word-full and wisdom loaded renderings of yj.
I'm such a lucky girl.
yj @ 9:34PM | 2003-10-24| word-full, yes. but prithee, what is this wisdom of which you speak?
tex-mex-icali @ 11:38PM | 2003-10-24| erm, i have no accent, canuck. oink.
ick
I took the really late bus this morning (as it's heaven not to be tied to the ringing phone any more) so I could take my time emerging from the duck down cocoon. I've managed to avoid Mark, the strange pseudostalker guy, since the time he accosted me after work outside my building. Not so today, alas.He actually got up and moved to sit with me. I totally would not have sat in an empty seat if I'd seen him first. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to say I'd been walking when he asked me where I'd been.
So much for taking the easy bus that drops me off in front. I guess from now on it's the #7 and the walk.
And since it's just not in me to ask him to leave me alone, although I don't know why, I can't really be pissed off about having to change my comfortable little routine to avoid a complete stranger, now can I?
elephant man
I walked into my boss' office yesterday afternoon to welcome him back and give him an office update. He's wearing his telephone headset sideways on his head. So the long skinny mouthpiece part hangs vertically down his face. I have to give him credit though, he just looks at me and very calmly says, "I always wondered what it would be like to have a proboscis."As I collapse on the floor helpless with laughter.
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
weirdness and creativity
thanks to geekomatic for the link to Marry Your Pet.damn
who knew that 'overnight delivery' didn't actually mean 'overnight' to Fedex, when it comes to 20% of the postal codes in the country. Which puts us/me in a whole pile of shit. Apart from the fact that I couldn't have known that and there's no little pop-up on the shipping website that tells me that. It's still my responsibility.You see, there's a presentation, tomorrow. In one of those postal codes. A presentation using materials from Ottawa that came in yesterday and were shipped yesterday, for arrival today. Except that they won't arrive until tomorrow by 5 pm. Which is er... too late.
Here's hoping that me being anal enough to track from home and the fact that the 'earliest possible delivery' ticket went in tonight to help will make everything turn out okay.
But, I think I will go sacrifice a chicken, just in case.
Part of Esch's post yesterday makes a lot more sense to me today. 'Nuff said.
Day 15 v.2
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
candles in the window
I really liked this. small expectations.I missed viggo's birthday. But...I'm not the only one. I've decided that I can just pretend he didn't get one year older. Age saddens me. Age especially saddens me in talented people. I'm sure that aging won't change me much and the impact I make on this world will be relatively minor. But there are people out there that enrich the entire planet by dint of sheer talent, or presence or the size of their hearts. And when they are gone, the world truly loses in a future way I don't think it fully realizes. And so, V *not* being one year closer to that, is all good for me.
Especially when faced with something so mundane, yet fundamentally required, as tonight's meeting. And, I know, I said that I wouldn't go on but I did want to say a couple things. It went relatively well. I stayed on the board. Which, seeing the people who joined, actually makes me feel pretty good about it. For the first time in 13 months. Creative, vocal people who came up with some great ideas, which I seem to be suffering a complete lack of, lately. But, I still can't get over the woman who, having been on a condo board before, spent 10 minutes yelling about the leak over her car in the parkade. That she just hasn't happened to mention to anyone. In a year. But wants, quite loudly, to know why we haven't fixed it. *sigh* She should know better as a previous board member, not to mention as a human being hopefully possessing a shred of common sense.
The Munchkin got into a fight tonight. Another dog rushed her in the hallway and she was so good - didn't react at all. But in true crotchety old lady fashion, she bit him as he turned around to walk away. With a good 50 lbs and 13 years on her. She ended up with a bleeding ear (which she is complaining about this very minute) and I ended up some dents in my fingers from her teeth. Silly girl.
And, since I'm thinking about this now, and already sort of typed it out once tonight, I'm going to add it in here, with some comments made by a friend. If a round of self reflection would bore you at this point, feel free to check out.
I know I'm a strong personality and I tend to dominate people. I'm also fully aware that for the most part, a good portion of the people in my life have been the weaker ones. (I don't like those words, dominant, stronger, weaker, but I can't seem to find better ones at this point.) At certain points in my life, I've had others in my life with stronger personalities. And they've all been really destructive people. The two women I talked about a couple weeks ago, the first people I met when I moved here, like following some sort of pattern. Billy. Strong fucked up people who use their personalities to put down others / mess with them emotionally. And this may be the first time I'm really realizing this.
There was one instance with Billy that reminded me so clearly of something from my early 20's that I wanted to run screaming from the house last week. I had moved back to live with my mother and the butthead while I was in school and I'd done something offensive to him at the time because he'd taken my car keys away and told me to stay in my room. Yes, I did say I was in my early 20's. And he and mom used to sit in the living room all night and drink. Now, this was in a trailer, so of course I could hear everything that went on. I remember sitting in my room, which I wasn't all that unhappy about at this point, and listening to him berate her for hours. Literally - for hours that night. About her children. And how it was all her fault. I was a slut and a whore. J was this. H was that. He hit upon everyone. It really doesn't matter all these years later what he said, or what was going on in any of our lives. It's immaterial. But the thing that I remember so vividly, is her reaction. She sat there. I think I could hear her crying after a while. Just that low, hopeless kind of ceaseless sobbing. The one of us that he was the least virulent about was my brother, for reasons I don't know then and I don't care about now. The thing that I still have a hard time with is...my brother was the only one she spoke up to defend. I don't think a child can ever explain to a parent how deeply something like that wounds. Sometimes it's not what you say, but what you didn't say. And, along with other things that came to pass during that time, I'm a little ashamed to say that I've never forgiven her.
And that's what Billy's personality did to me. I became her. In almost the exact same scene. All of my bravado and strength just...evaporated around him. I became this spineless defenseless person. Most of the time around him, but this one night I'm thinking of was the worst, the clearest indication of that. And it makes me loathe myself in some horrible new way. Partly I think because, if I can't forgive her, whom I love, how can I forgive the same thing in myself?
I think it's a good thing that I've realized but on the flip side of that, I just can't step far enough back to see myself. Am I a strong personality or force or whathaveyou or am I one of those destructive people? Maybe not on that level, or maybe I'm just destructive to myself.
In thinking about the people in my life now, I feel that I've "cleaned" out a lot of the people who shouldn't be a part of my life and there are a couple of good strong personalities in my life - I think I've been able to strike more of a balance. But, honestly, that feeling, that internal moment of sheer terror and horror at myself, I just can't seem to shake it.
And, although I haven't responded to this yet, nor asked permission (*smile*) I think that you will understand why your point of view helps me to figure things out, is so important to me and is included here....
You do have a strong personality. It's one of the things I like about you. My personal take though, is that you overcompensate. Or you seem sometimes to be doing that. You can tell me to fuck off and go to hell for saying that (or you could point out that I'm possibly just a little bit mistaken), but I've learned that you are the definitive Cancer-the-Crab. Crunchy on the outside, soft and gooey on the inside. When I first met you, you came across as this Tough Chick. A GRRRL. Brash, a little in-yer-face, aggressive. But as I got to know you, I discovered (much to my delight, though I've never teased you about it) that you're a girl. There is a big part of you that is a girlie-girl. Anyway, I remember wondering once what it was that made you build that damned shell. It's obviously part-and-parcel of who you are. But why? From what you've told me about your growing-up, and highschool, and a couple of relationships you've mentioned, I can understand the need for it. Rather, the want of it. But what I know is, what I've seen at times, is that despite the fact that you are someone who has a strong personality, who may be brash, in-yer-face, aggressive...there's someone else in there who occasionally pops her head out over the wall of the trenches and barbed-wire and sandbags and is a little bit soul-bare. And all of this is to say, yes, maybe you are a little destructive, to, as you said, your self. Because you're all wedged into that shell. (And it's a lot easier to butt heads with someone, than it is to make yourself vulnerable to them, isn't it? Easier to fight than to hurt.)
I hadn't really intended this to turn into the sober version of "I love you, man!"...lol. But hey. I suddenly feel led to point out that I'm glad you're my friend. And I count myself lucky to have the occasional glimpse into who-Jen-really-is.
I still have to think about that some more. But I do think, that being alone most of my life, hasn't helped, and in some way, that's why Billy did. There's been nothing to 'temper' this person. No one who reflects me back to myself, consistently and in a healthy way. I think in some way my siblings and I are so different because they have these long relationships to strike a balance that I've never had, and so we see things so differently. It's funny though (and I think you may remember this) but that wondering where it came from part, is almost exactly the same thing that Billy said to me when we were in that park in Seattle. And when I tried to explain to him where I thought it came from, he didn't agree. I actually think he was right on that, but you know, it leaves me at a complete loss. I don't know where it came from. I don't even know why I think I have to have it. And that of course, leads to all sorts of who-am-I? questions that I'll need another 50 or 60 years to figure out.
Here's hoping that some of you will still be a part of my life when I do.
jackie @ 2:31PM | 2003-10-22| Jen, I stopped reading your site when I realized that it was truly a vanity site and not a journal like I would keep...I was excited thinking that you were using this what I thought of as a journal to explore and grow but I think I misunderstood...but now I am reading something to today that sounds like you are thinking about things but does that mean we should not comment.....age....is GOOD no way would I ever go back not even one year.....I am so much more than I was in my twenties or thirties I can not wait to see what next year brings why would you want some one not to age to grow to be.....do not get it......I guess I just do not know this person who you are....I do not think of you as strong....but not weak either frail, sad, kinda lost, searching but strong I am not sure about that....I think that having children for me has made me take long looks at who I am and what I want They have changed me. I hope you do use this journal to change and question. Love Jackie
candi @ 5:20PM | 2003-10-22| you might be regretting handing out that url about now; in this instance, i'll chime in resoundingly "oh heck yeah!" she should stop reading, again. you should never stop writing, as you do. what can i possibly say to make this better? sometimes "Love" just sucks. sheesh.
yj @ 8:02PM | 2003-10-22| um yeah, so, like, i'm not gonna say anything here because well, yeah.
Chris @ 9:44PM | 2003-10-22| *smooch* I love you.
AGM
Since I'm restraining myself from blogging after the meeting, here I am now. To leave Rock Paper Scissors Int'l World Championships. Don't miss it. Book your flight now.That's when time draws a line down to your very soul
You wanted everything and to you my heart goes out
A good day for me is when the bottom don't fall out
Sunday, October 19, 2003
catching up
it's just occured to me, that although I don't feel like doing anything right now...I should at least catch back up to friday. In really short form.-I may be volunteering at Warren Miller's thingy. erm, yeah, that's the official title. Thingy. Journey. That's all I know, really. I'm just in it for the jocks, baby.
-which is borne out by the 'date' I've made with Laureen to attend her soccer team's fundraiser at Ceilis on the 15th. shameless.
-I have to admit, that I've never known anyone to get so wonderfully, unabashedly and honestly excited about someone else's good news, as Karen does. It's heartwarming. Thank you.
-Made even more wonderful in juxtaposition to the conspiciously absent acknowlegment from Frick and Frack.
Yeah, I don't feel like typing out the latest B epiphany. Well, in as it relates to a personality ...flaw... for me. Not right now. Will have to get to that later.
So, first day at the "new" job tomorrow. It'll be mostly file sorting and training the temp. Who, although we have four Jen's in the office already (at one point there was five), now we're throwing a Ginny into the mix. Should be confusing.
and, yes, at least a week of Headstone's lyrics. Even though I haven't gone to see them play in a long time, I just can't stand it.....this music meant a lot to me, for a while. I've got something kicking around here that I wrote to explain it, will get around to adding that in here sometime this week.
A million days in May
So hard to concentrate
So hard to hear the ocean
They've got that confidence
I swear it's monstrous
I can smell 'em when they're swollen
I just can't promise it
I try to live with it
Everything I know is corroded
It's just a constant push
I can't do it but I know I should
Talking with my teeth clenched
So tired I can hardly stand
Don't know what to make of it
Just would like to freeze awhile
If you wake me when it's done
I won't tell anyone
You won't even detect a smile
I got a million lies
To sew up those alibis
No diatribes here
I'm whistling in the dark
For tonight there are no stars
Maybe I'm just scared of being
Now I'm stitching up those wounds
Just trying to tie my shoes
I could hurt you past believing
We may have been friends once
But now that much is crushed
Everything I know is corroded
Million days in May
So hard to concentrate
So hard to hear the ocean
moved
to here.Day 12 v.2
Saturday, October 18, 2003
away message
We are sorry to announce that the occupant of this website is not here right now.
While searching to confirm if her favorite lead singer's voice was truly the one she heard on that new Chevy Malibu commercial, she received a nasty shock on the band's website.
They've disbanded.
Her mind has disconnected briefly from reality. She is currently rocking to-and-fro in a straight jacket, in a padded room. Please leave a message and she will get back to you, and her website, as soon as she regains her sanity. Which may take quite a while, but we hope that you care enough about her to wait.
I say goodbye
I turn it up
I turn it back again
I leave it all
The deal is done
There's no one left to offend.
Hugh Dillon
Day 11 v.2
