I cannot do it. I mean, I totally want to just give in, but I can't.

Cry, that is.  Or more succinctly... sob.

But if I do, then I won't be able to swallow or breathe without a peculiar sort of effort.  And my heart will gallop and miss beats for hours on end.  But that is because of the health stuff I wrote about. 

Today was a rough day for me.  I truly just want to have a bit of a sobfest instead of holding it in and be done with it, but I can't.  I can't risk it.  I went back to visit family today and realized that my great uncle has apparently had another stroke/TIA or is having complications from the one he had about a year and a half ago.  His speech is altered.  He can't find nor form the words.  He is losing mobility rapidly and no one in his family is really there at all times.  His wife passed away about 6 months ago and although one of his kids (and his children) stop in twice a day, he is alone.  Given the eastern European tendency toward stubbornness and drama, this portion of the family has literally exploded.  I worry that he should not be left alone. 

This is my grandmother's only living brother (she has a sister, but pretty much hates her) and it is killing her to see him alone and sick.  I know what she is thinking.  She will want to move back there so she can be close so we could visit him at least twice a week.  I know her.  I know what she is thinking.  I know.  He means enough to her that she would gather every bit of courage and ask me to move back there with her.  Just to be near.  She is 90.  How do I tell her 'no' if this is what she wants?  Theoretically (although I test this all too often), her time here is much more limited than mine.  It may be wrong to think this way, but I have in the past, and would continue, to give up my own life for her happiness.

Face it folks, I'm not doing a whole fuck of alot with my life right now anyway other than ending up sick.  My job is sucking the life out of me and I've pushed away the majority of friends and acquaintances.  My grandmother (and grandfather, who has since passed) is one of the reasons I am probably even alive today.  Because of that, I can never turn my back on her.  My behavior toward her has been awful lately, partially the bipolar, partially due to being sicker than I thought, and partially b/c she has gotten to the stage of life where it's like raising a child.  I have never raised a child and this is terribly hard for me to take the reins on everything.  Part of me resents her for putting me in that position.  For being 90.  And then I get angry and it shows.  Then I see the look on her face and just wish a hole would open up in the ground and suck me right down.  But I'm the only one really keeping me here.  Me and some guilt the size of the western hemisphere if I'd leave if/when she needed me.

I know that if I asked her tomorrow if she wanted to move closer that she would have an answer for me within a few days.  And I think the answer would be 'yes'.  And how could I deny her the perceived happiness of being near her brother in what she knows may be his final months.  Or hers, for that matter.  Well, anyone's really, but you get the point.  Unfortunately his immediate family has exploded with hostility and he said/she said insanity and they were once one of the closest knit families you could ever hope to find.  It is nothing I would want to get mixed up in.

But she is my grandmother.  And this is her brother.  And I will listen to her; take my lead from her.  Prompt a discussion if necessary.  I'm still in shock over seeing him today.  He was a hard working farmer his entire life.  He raised several children that he didn't father (it was her second marriage) during a time when that was almost unheard of.  She raised eyebrows being partially of native American descent.  One of their children was born with Down Syndrome and until his wife got sick a couple of years ago, lived with them.  When my uncle's wife passed, the nursing home didn't tell him for a week.  She was kept in cold storage for a week.  I don't know details, but to think that may happen to your most beloved is something I think would break even the toughest of us.  His own family is falling apart, most of his kids never talk to him.  I know he is difficult and angry and loud, but I think he is also hurting and sick and alone.  Although in truth, some of that was self-inflicted by his own behavior. 

His birthday was two days before mine and he just turned 83.  Something is going on with him and he needs help and somehow, he either isn't getting it or he isn't telling the truth about it.  Either way, I am not so sure he should be living alone.  No, I know he shouldn't be.  I was not prepared to witness this today; none of us were.  I cannot be that rescuer, but if my gram wants to be near him, I can start looking for a job in the vicinity.

If I could cry and just release the utter shock of the day's events, perhaps I would feel better.  But I can't even do that.  Well, at least I'm not delusional - I know this is all very dysfunctional but in the end, if I can make her happy, IF this would be what she wants, I would do it.  Some people (occasionally myself included) have insinuated that in ways, I have, at the age of 41, given up my life and happiness for hers.  And they would be partially right.  The only part I argue is that I don't think I could have much happiness knowing I left her when she saved me.

Life can be tricky, folks.

Damnit Carrot!!! I can't comment on your blog ever!

I don't know why but I can't comment ever.  It won't accept anything I tell it - it just puts me in a loop!  Spiteful thing!

Rapid-fire here, I know...

But Blogger is going to have to stop asking me to 'choose an identity' when I comment.  Eventually I'm going to make up a new one and just stick with it...

Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

I think I'm screwed eight ways to nowhere.

If I do run away, I promise to keep in touch.  Probably even moreso.

Once I stop crying I'm sure I'll come out swinging and lunging like my ass is on fire.  But only when I'm done crying.  Too hard to see otherwise.

Big Wreck - Blown Wide Open

This song fits my life far too well on too many occassions.

Scrap that

I don't think I'm going to the doc Thursday.  I called my insurance company and he's only partially (about 50%) covered after a $500 deductible.  Fuck that.  I'm glad I called b/c she was telling me how he's approved for my insurance and part of the company I work for...

Yeah, they got one hell of a nasty message left on their voicemail today.  And b/c I thought I had this appt secured I declined the one where they could 'fit me in' in 5 weeks with another doc where I work.  Fuck. 

I think I'm just going to let it go until I can't take it anymore then I'll end up in the ER again and they will be forced to find an on-call Endocrinologist for me.  This may take months, years, who fucking knows, but really.  Really?  Does everything have to be such a struggle?

And I thought I'd have an okay birthday weekend.  Wrong.  I'm hiding right back in my shell like all textbook Cancerians do.  This is the second year in a row that I will not be celebrating anything for my birthday.  I can't do it.  All I want to do is cry and scream and throw things.  I've really accomplished two of those fully and one partially.  Oh, and just be left alone.  I don't feel like there is anything to celebrate.  It's like life itself is telling me to give it up.

It was bad enough knowing something is wrong and having to be patient for an appointment, then getting one, then having it taken away from you.  Still feeling sick, physically, and never knowing when it's going to get bad.  So I give up.  I'm not one of those people that can just put a smile on their face and pretend things are ok.  I mean, I do it all the time at work, but not in this situation.  How can I smile and pretend my birthday is worth anything when I'm literally fighting everything.  I'm fighting for my health and nothing is working; it's like a subtle hint telling me that it isn't worth anything.  That I'm not.

I give up.  You win.  After a full year, you have finally bested me.  Now please move on so I can just fully separate myself emotionally.  Really.  All this being upset and crying is only making my symptoms worse.  You've done enough, there's nothing left to see... move along.

Not that I'm complaining, but.... (you know what's coming, don't you?)

I'll tell you about my little trip to Canada and my wonderful concerts and maybe share a pic or five later, but I need to just vent.

So I mentioned how my health in regard to medications has just taken a nose dive, right?  The ER visits, the hospitalization, the fear of death.  Ok.  So by this time, the medication should by all means be out of my system unless I lack a particular cytochrome pathway that would prevent it from leaving my system.  Although the idea of ME having that issue is always a possibility given my track record, it is very highly unlikely.  Even for me.

So I still am having heart palpitations and upon having a monitor strapped to me for 24 hours, we've learned that my heart is skipping beats.  Not a huge deal, really.  Just that it should have gone away by now.  And for the record, I'm so much better ~ it's just that I've got these odd symptoms that aren't really going away and I'm not so sure I can pin it all on anxiety (I'm really NOT a panic-attack sort of person) especially since I'm on low dose Klonopin around the clock. 

My body still tingles, I have this weird startle reflex linked to sound (if I see someone about to slam a car door, I should expect it and not be startled by the sound, yet it sends a physical jolt through my entire body) and I still have a hard time swallowing.  And then it hit me...

Nine years on lithium, including two bouts of lithium toxicity in the past 9 months or so, one bout of severe medication intolerance from the Topamax (for a sleep disorder) and then this last adverse reaction that landed my chunky monkey butt in the hospital.  Hmmm... all of those meds are known to be hard on the thyroid, especially lithium.  And my mother has Grave's Disease, which was marked by hyperthyroidism.  (You see it coming, don't you?)  So I asked my regular doc to run some basic thyroid tests on me... and guess who is now hyperthyroid?  Ding!  Ding!  Ding!  Yep... me!  So the overactive thyroid is like having adrenaline running through your system at all times, which does explain the odd startle reflex.  And if my thyroid is enlarged, it explains the feeling like something is stuck in my throat.  And some other continued abnormalities.

In December my thyroid test was normal which leads me to believe this second bout of lithium tox did me in and this last med may have sealed the deal.  I don't know if it is limited to my thyroid or an entire adrenal malfunction.  I managed to get an appt with an endocrinologist next Thursday.  He can run more appropriate labs and tell me if this is reversible, if it is a simple thyroiditis or actually Grave's Disease, which is auto immune.  And how we fix it.  And if my heart will go back to normal then since what I'm experiencing is all potentially associated.

When I was hospitalized, not one physician ordered a thyroid test, even though I have a family history and was repeatedly telling them that I felt like my body was vibrating and that I had difficulty swallowing.  Of course, I think they were focusing more on keeping my heart working and keeping my blood pressure down, so given the choice, I support their decision to focus on that!  Still - that really should have been tested.  Oh well, water under the bridge.

So one more thing for me to face.  I mean, it is what it is.  No use griping about it.  I just wanted to get this out of my system so that I can come to terms with the fact that what was supposed to cure me, is taking me apart piece by piece.  The irony of it all is that I work in pharmacy.  I can't even stand to be around all these drugs anymore.  Truly.  Other than the one week of this last med that had me hospitalized, I've been off all meds for bipolar since 5.5.11. Of course I'm thrilled to not feel like I'm on death's doorstep anymore.  Maybe still on the property, but surely not the doorstep.  ;)  It will be tended to, just like everything else.  I'm reminded, by working in the hospital, that I'm more fortunate than many and I am thankful for that.  I suppose I'm just weary.  I just want to feel like my old crappy self again.  After all this, in hindsight it wasn't so bad ~ in comparison.

Life is funny that way, sometimes.