Birthday or not, this has been an amazing week.

And by that I mean amazingly shitty. I'm always saying things suck lately but give me a moment to convince you that I reside in the Realm of Suck. It was my birthday; you'd think something could have gone smoothly somewhere along the way.

*static* that would be a negative *static*

The other morning I awoke to see my 14.5 year old cat looking at me with metallic green sparkly curling ribbon hanging out of her mouth. Approximately 8" worth. GAH!!! Emergency! Pulled gently until it found resistance then threw her festive-looking ass in the carrier and got her to the vet. After all was said and done, she is recovering nicely at home with an almost 3" incision in her belly. I had the pleasure of picking up the $800.00 tab.

Remember the oral surgery I had a few weeks ago that seems to be healing nicely? Well, it is. Except I now have another infection in the same area and it hurts worse than before. I'm off to a specialist Thursday but it's just a consultation. There is some sort of mysterious infection under the teeth and the source is undetermined. It could even be the bone, which means pulling the teeth won't really solve anything. Because of the pain I've barely slept in days. I have antibiotics and Percocet (the 7.5mg ones) to help but the pain meds make me highly nauseous and did I mention that I get an allergic reaction/side effect of incredibly intense itching? I'm so tired of this.

I was to watch my cousin's dogs/house this weekend but seeing that I'm sick and drugged, my mom went over to help instead. Where she proceeded to fall in a hole one day then spent the next night chasing one of the dogs around the neighbors farm dodging cows along the way. I just feel bad because I was the one that should have been there, you know?

Perhaps the pain won't kill me but I'm not placing bets. There are alot of people I say I 'hate' in this world but for some reason, I can't think of one that I'd wish this pain on. Not one.

I need to speak with the 'Department of Birthday Do-Overs', dont' you think?

Someone needs to take out the damn trash!

My new neighbors are here. I seriously hope he/she/they aren't the trash that I'm getting the idea they may be. Everyone that has lived there seems to be of a questionable element and truthfully, I don't like putting up with it nor do I like to have my Gram here alone.

I'll cut a few breaks but after that, they will be confronted. I'm sick of these idiot dumbfucks.

Circuitry

Some things come hardwired because that is simply the way they are. Some things become hardwired because that's how we form them over time.

I want changes in my life but I'm scared. Rarely will I admit to being scared (except for maybe spiders, clowns, ventriloquist dummies and things of that nature). The changes I want scare me because if they are good, and I like them, I fear they will be taken away. Perhaps I rationalize that it is better not to even attempt it than to fail and be crushed. That is how I've hardwired myself. If I close myself off I won't be hurt. Granted, it is a flawed plan but I don't think too clearly when I'm terrified, ya know?

Funny thing happened today. Three generations in one car, all three suffering from one form of mental disorder or another. All three have made comments in the recent past about not wanting to live. The two passengers are pissing off the driver, who is the only one who would actually act on those thoughts and comments. Perhaps not the best person to be pissing off. It actually made me laugh when I realized that. My family isn't really different from anyone else's, yet there are differences that would surprise some. This isn't one, I just thought there was a dark humor there.

Ye olde brayne is a tad edgy and I'm thinking a mile a minute. Hoping it is short-lived because I don't have the energy for this now. Work and family have worn me down so I don't have time to deal with a phase. It may work out in a few days - that happens often.

Still, I need to say this and I'm avoiding it. You won't know what I mean but I will and right now I just need to say it, even if in cryptic fashion. The time with Jack was weird today. Either I was way off base before or I am now. Probably now; I'm pretty good with this stuff. But if I'm wrong about that, my brain has taken a jump to a very uncomfortable level. Even worse, I've been planning a way to test it. And it could go horribly wrong. Something wasn't right about it and I feel a need to know what. It could either turn out to be something I can rationalize and set off to the side or... it could go horribly wrong. Did I mention that? Because the family has enough going on. But that was alot after so little. Gah!

Off to hunt down some sedatives, I need rest.