All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved. Liked. Maybe just noticed.
Every post, every share, every word, every haircut, every T-shirt, every book, everything I have ever done out loud since I was a kid, was so that someone like you might say, “Hey take a look at this guy.”
Despite what Brene Brown may have taught us about the power of vulnerability, it feels pretty shallow to own up to your own insecurities and vanity, but things are what they are and this is the truth. My truth. But I am guessing, and actually I am more than guessing, based on the private messages that I have received that you too, understand this universal need to be noticed, accepted, loved.
Thank you by the way for your kind and encouraging words. I have spent so much time trying to build an audience, and now that I finally have one, it feels like I am turning my back on you. But this disconnection feels necessary. As I stand at the precipice of saying good bye to a nearly decade long habit, I am feeling a bit anxious. It feels like I am about to launch off on a rocket into the great unknown.
Who will be out there to tell me I matter? How will I rack up 30+ likes on some observation about X, Y, or Z? How will I know you love me?
I guess it is the answers to these questions that I am looking for. Identity can never be static. We must always push our own boundaries and leap from comfort zones. I am after all the drunk who quit drinking for a decade and then start again without a hitch. You can’t expect to change the world drastically, if you are not willing to change yourself even slightly.
Just a reminder that you can stay in touch with pictures of the girls on Flickr, and if you left your name on the spreadsheet, I hope to find sustainable and authentic ways to engage and connect with you on a more personal level.
The saddest part this morning as I watch the window closing is that, although, in my own naval gazing, egotistical preparation I found ways that I can continue to broadcast my voice and ideas, it just hit me that during my sabbatical from social media, I will not regularly see into your worlds. No more photos of your kids or your bike rides or pizzas nights. I wanted to say that I do value you and I will miss you terribly.
I wish you all a fantastic new year, filled with new babies, new jobs, new opportunities. I will be cloistered up in my own cave, scratching gibberish on the walls. I hope I have something meaningful to share with you when I come back down.
All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved and to love, so thank you for being there on both fronts.
"You like me. You really like me!"
