312/365

quiet monday night tacos
for dinner yogurt instead
of sour cream watched our
show why am i always almost
crying they work out weak from
her booster the other one in
her room reading about the holocaust
strumming a guitar whispering soft
songs too tired to do any work woke
up at four am to watch my team lose
a close game we needed to win all this doubt
making it hard to love myself ambition
taking its toll out here beyond the comfort zone
will be early to bed to catch up on reading hoping
there will be no dreams tonight we all
need a bit of silent darkness in between days.

249/365

not sure if the brain is meant
to handle such a load.
everyday, stretching and lifting,
finding balance. chasing goals.

it’s not like you’re some kind of
rocket scientist or emergency room doctor,
you’re not on the front lines in afghanistan,
or a lawyer arguing a class action suit against an
evil corporation. you’re just
a middle school english teacher.

why then does it feel like the weight of the world
is on these shoulders. monday wrapped up
in local calamities and familiar anxieties.

the future is planted in schools.
this gardener has forgotten
the sweet aroma of flowers,
bogged down in documents
and tables and scopes and sequences.

not sure if the brain is meant
to handle such a load.
but it can and it does and it will. 

50/365

in silence:

the
    hum of ac
the
    whir of fans

empty
    tank, running
    on fumes
and
    cliches.

the
    sleep will
come hard
and
    heavy tonight.

nothing
left, to do,
but
    give in.

To Be Seen

I helped a boy try to find his way onto a football field. He was nervous and scared and lonely and unsure how to approach the alphas and their thirst for blood. He is a sensitive boy who just needs to be seen.

I spoke to a girl’s parents, telling them how much progress she has made. I had goosebumps praising her and she looked as if she were about to cry, as her eyes whispered thank you.

I taught a group of kids the basic principles of a semi-colon; it was late in the afternoon.

I commiserated with tired teachers. I read about empowered Nazis. I did not notice the sky or breathe in deep. I listened to Leonard Cohen. I jumped into a Facebook feed and was confused and perplexed and left without closure.

I watched the Walking Dead, drank one glass of red wine and revelled in the fact that the Raiders are 8-2.

I joked. I sighed. I reprimanded. I taught. I built. I destroyed.

It was one more day in a series of days.

And now sleep.

The Fervor and The Peace

“Darling, remember when you come to me
I'm the pretender and I, what I'm supposed to be
But who could know if I'm a traitor
Time's the Revelator”


Gillian Welch


I was a blur at work today. I wouldn’t have recognized myself, even if I had two minutes to look in a mirror. I was running from the second I arrived on campus. I don’t share these list of events to brag. I am not sure why I share them. I am not saying that everyone in the world is not just as busy. I am not promoting busyness as some sort of point of pride. It just helps me unwind to name the things that had me thinking and working and energised all day. I want to know what is responsible for this state of near collapse, as I sit with the wine and the soft guitar music soothing my soul.


It is through our work, our labor, physical or intellectual that we grow. The events of my day are not meant to be complaints or boasts, but simple acknowledgements for how I spend the seconds, minutes and hours of my life. I arrived a bit early at 7:25:

• Student of concern meeting. 
• Covered half a mentor class
• Ran to the Parent Coffee Morning I was facilitating. 
• Caught up on email
• Planned and re-planned the times and dates for the grade 6 trip to Tioman
• Met with one of the members of the grade 6 team for a check in
• Grabbed a salad to go for lunch
• Ran Daraja meeting (getting closer to assigning role and moving toward goal setting) 
• Taught two eighty minute classes
• Ran Off Tangent our literary magazine (One of the most student driven things I have ever done. They are simply amazing) 
• Came home read with Skyelar
• Listened to Kaia’s Math homeshare
• Had dinner. 
• Got over guilt of not running. 
• Got kids ready for bed and sat with them to fall asleep
• Sent off a few emails
• Started to organize some Movember stuff

• and now…the music is quiet. Not much left to so but stare at some entertainment. Something from Netflix or youtube. 
• Read a few pages and sleep. 

Tomorrow is Friday and we have a great dinner planned. The weekend is upon us, and as we march into November, I am reminded of the Redwoods from the summer. The hours on the road. The streets of Bend, Oregon. The cabin. The calm. The rest. The ease.


I am grateful to have both- The fervor and the peace.

Walk Away

Overheard today during my duty at lunch in the Grade 8 pod:


Student One: Did you check out that Frank Zappa I sent you.
Student Two: Yeah. It was okay. Pretty weird though.
Me: Wait are you guys talking about Frank Zappa?
Student Two: Yeah.
Me: Wow. That’s pretty impressive.
Student Two: Yeah, student one is a rock music expert.
Student One: Actually I am more of a fusion jazz expert.
Me: Carry on boys. Carry on.


I walked away.


…


Me: I just planned to say exactly what I wanted and then had to temper it way down so as not to upset people.
Richard: And that is the very nature of leadership.


…


A sixth grade shared some of his writing with me in class today. He showed me a few leads he was working on, using the mentor text as a model. He is not the strongest writer, but he seemed so please with his work. I high fived him. We smiled. I could see in his eyes that he finally understood that writing is not a magical trait some people possess. It is the everyday practice of working on skills and getting better.


…


My brain is pretty fired right now. Long day, behind the eight ball today. Played a lot of catch up and then a 3 hour after school meeting and a few hours of work at home. Feeling better about where I am, but not well enough to write much more than this.


It is early in the evening and I need some entertainment and escape. Atlanta final episode is on cue and I am looking forward to some extended reading tonight.

Sweet Sweet Sleep

Well that was a week!
Holy smokes.


Not only did I somehow survive, I actually shredded and burned after school, to the point where my muscles are sore and I feel a bit crushed. Thanks for that Mairin. Great idea.


Why wouldn’t I want to do “plank jumping jacks” after returning from a whirlwind trip to CA and a crazy week of assemblies, meetings and coffee mornings? But no matter how exhausting this week was, it was all worth it and rewarding. This level of intensity would not be possible if we all didn’t love what we do.


After getting home and taking a shower, it quickly became apparent that there was no way we would be going to a friend’s house for some drinks, and even getting through a few episodes of Orange Is The New Black feels a bit strenuous.


The three day weekend is here and it couldn’t have come at a better time. It’s not even nine, pyjamas are on, and I might even be too tired for wine. I’m looking forward to crawling into bed and giving in to the sweet sweet sleep.