Balance

It must have been a bit past 2am. A slivered cream-colored moon hung low in the sky, shedding shards of reflections into the sea to my left. I was running on the Marina Bay Barrage and the Singapore skyline replete with the Marina Bay Sands hotel and The Singapore Flyer were to my right. I had come through the worst of it. The long haul through the golf course, grinding out kilometers 12, 13, and 14. I had fallen behind the pacers a while ago, and as a result I had lost a bit of momentum. But just minutes before I had eaten a banana and doused myself with water and was determined to run from kilometer eighteen on till the end.


The conversation with myself was quiet at this point. I was tired of yelling at myself or trying to negotiate a pace. I simply shut the brain down accept for my eyes, which were looking at the moon beams and my ears listening to make sure I could hear each thump of every step. My heart and lungs were working fine. My mind was finally quiet. The only problem was that I wasn’t sure my legs could make it. My muscles were stiff and the joints tender. The pain shifted from my knees to my ankles to my hips and back again and again. At times everything hurt at once, while at other times everything from my lower back down was numb. Is this where the joy is?


What are you doing out here? My mind was awake again. Just stop. Who cares? Why are you running in the darkness, in the middle of the night? What are you trying to prove? And to who?


The last hour had felt like torture at times. Very little of it was fun or even enjoyable. But something inside me refused to stop. There is no one thing I am trying to prove, and the only person who cares beyond your potential supportive “Likes” on Facebook is myself.


It’s funny. At first I just wanted to see if I could do it. But after a while, when the pace felt good around 15km, I felt like I couldn’t just stop or even slow down. Yes, I walked and ran on and off, but I knew that I was going to come in around, or even under, two and a half hours.


There were so many thoughts and images rumbling in my mind throughout the night, but I am too tried to document and you must be tired of me, so I will spare you the details.


It was a good night and I am happy with the results. While I was in the middle of it, I swore I would never do this to my body again, but I am already getting fired up for the next one.


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I’m sorry for being so self-promoting these days. It is not my intention to be the guy who is always talking about himself. But I have had a pretty good week, and well….when you choose to write an extended post every night, sometimes they can become pretty self-serving. I really do appreciate the reactions and the likes and support from everyone out there. it means a lot to know you are reading, sharing, commenting and liking the things I put out there.


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Today was a mellow day.


My body ached and the lack of sleep made me feel pretty hungover. We had a nice lunch at Jamie’s Italian and took the kids to see The Angry Birds movie. What I saw of it was was terrible. Lot’s of yelling and screaming and things blowing up. I had no expectation that it would be good, but honestly the idea of a cool dark room today was just what the doctored ordered. Marin suggested that next time we just take $12, crumple it up and throw it in the garbage, but I digress. I slept through about 75% of it.


After the movie we headed to Longboard Love near Vivo City and I bought my new skateboard, pads and helmet. I got a Rivera board. It’s a hybrid long board and regular skateboard for learning to skate the pools at the skatepark, but it still has big wheels and a wide board for cruising East Coast Park. Kaia and I headed to the park straight when we got home and had a great preliminary session.


Skateboarding is a very physical activity. And after last night, my legs were feeling the pumps as I tried to do some pool work. Chris was there as usual and he gave me some pointers, as did Kaia of course.


...


There is something very humbling, terrifying and exciting about learning something new. Especially when this new activity can be quite dangerous. There is so much I want to know how to do right now, but my middle-aged man mind is not ready to take those risks and break any bones. So I am taking it nice and easy.


As if I didn’t have enough things taking up my time, here is something new. I can’t wait to get back on the board already. I’m hooked.


Which brings me to my final thought- we are all always complaining about how busy we are and how hard we work and how our jobs are taking over our lives, but I am realizing that if we value our hobbies, and if we keep them new and fresh and varied that we will end up spending our time living our lives more fully.


Yes, it is true when your job is something you love and you do it with passion and energy, it can feel all-consuming, but balancing it with marathons and skateboards, playing live music and writing. Hikes and travel and books. Time with friends- bowling, drone-battling, movie watching, Frofling and more…a balanced life cannot simply be empty time when you are not working. You must fill it with other things that demand as much energy and love as your work.


We build balanced lives, not by taking work away, but by adding other activities to balance it out.


What are some things you do to help you find balance?

We Miss

I have been away from this space for longer than I like. I have been away from myself and my thoughts and their shapes as words and their rattling onto the blank pages and their flow as they careen and curve and slam into periods.

I have become to scattered, spread too thin. Disparate pixels and thoughts, chunked words and half written paragraphs, half finished albums, a trailer with nowhere to go. I have let work and family tip the scales leaving me disappeared and forgotten. The trouble with pouring yourself into everything you do, is that you are often left empty.

So much documenting. So much connecting and sharing and expressing that maybe we miss it. Maybe we miss. It.

Need to make some time for it. Now if I could only remember what it is.

cc licensed ( BY NC ) flickr photo shared by Intrepidteacher

Somewhere Between

Note: This was not an easy to post to write. Just couldn't get what I wanted to say quite right. Hoping there is something worthwhile in my textual wrestling match. Perhaps someone can help me in the comments.

A few days ago, I posted a letter I had written to my five year old daughter for her to read when she is older. I was feeling emotional and overcome with pride and needed a space to unload some emotions; they felt warm and soothing; I didn't need to put them down, but still I felt the need to share them publicly. Perhaps I feel that sharing positive emotions like pride and love can help others feel. What you might ask? Perhaps, I think that sharing our lives can help others feel connected, not necessarily to each other, but to our shared emotional pool, or maybe I wanted you to see what a caring father I am, can be, so that your admiration might negate the occasional feeling of guilt I feel for the times I am curt and frustrated and angry with my girls.

I received a few quick tweets about what a great dad I am, and instead of feeling a sense of validation, I felt like I was being dishonest for highlighting only the photoworthy events of our lives. I guess this post is my attempt to balance the notion that fatherhood is all pretty pictures and good times. I hope this post doesn't tarnish the earlier emotions or the perception that people may have of what kind of father I am, but rather I hope this post can be an honest attempt to take a closer look at what it is like to be a dad. To explore the complexity of fatherhood. It is easy to read lists like this and pat ourselves on the back. It doesn't take a father of the year candidate to understand that you should enjoy spending time with your kids. Really, I need to be reminded to tell my kids I love them? Even we can make lists of verbs list like the one below describing what it means to be a great dad:

Listen, understand, hug, ignite, play, inspire, love, guide, comfort, soothe, challenge, entertain. We can add a few inspirational photos and voila! Happy father's day to everyone.

But let's be honest, there are times when we scream and yell and say things that make our kids feel small. It isn't right or good and the  side effects feel terrible. No one likes it when we see the effects of our frustration and anger reflected in our children's faces- mirrors of ourselves when we were kids. Nothing like breaking promises we made to ourselves as children, "I will never do that to my own kids!"we said!

The reality of fatherhood lays somewhere between the Hallmark card and the PSA about emotional abuse. Like most things in life, I am learning that raising children is about vulnerability and honesty. It is about not needing to win all the fights. It is about empowering others before ones self. It is about building up and giving wings. It is about patience, understanding, oh oh here come another list…Fatherhood is about learning how to let go of ego. Isn't everything in life?

It is about letting go of selfishness. For as long as I can remember, my life has been all about me. I think most men can relate to this need to be babied and adored. Who knows, maybe it is beyond gender, but women appear to have an easier time caring for others before themselves, at least the women in my life always have. This male selfishness has been the demise of many relationships. This selfishness has resulted in many lonely nights and hundreds of mediocre poems about being misunderstood.

A few years ago, I made a resolution to once and for all, try to put my selfishness to bed. I vowed to put my daughter in the place that had always been reserved solely for me. No longer would I think of my own needs before hers, but what I am learning is that it takes time and practice to be able to care for others the same way we take care of ourselves. This is what fatherhood is all about- balance. I am learning.

As I get older I am learning how to find a balance between who I am as a man and who I need to be as a father. I think this is where many men struggle. It is for me, the hardest part about being a dad. The realization that my life is no longer just my life alone; that it needs to be shared with my family has not be so easy to get my head around.  I made the vow years ago, but the reality is harder to actualize. There are times when I am doing something, it can be as trivial as uploading a picture or finishing up an email, and my daughter, who may be hungry or tired and whining demands attention. I catch myself saying something like, "Just give me a minute!" I don't take pictures of those moments or write letters about them, but they are also a part of being a dad.

That is all I am trying to say.


Cross posted at Teacher Dad