Enter Fire Ring

Yesterday I piled into a tiny red 'Ferrari' with Lilo and a bear biologist to go grab some groceries from Gaia. It was painfully expensive, but necessary. I realized how again I had a sensation of complete understanding and love around him and his girlfriend and my daughter makes it very clear that she would rather have them as parents. The snow was coming down but that go-cart somehow made it up our treacherous driveway. It's the coolest car ever.

February has been an 'interesting' month. It's been a tumultuous spiritual and emotional ride. Desire and regret, gratitude and near madness at one point. In the past couple of weeks alone I've gotten rejected by someone I reached out to on a whim, but who was not interested, so I'm just classifying it as absolutely trivial and nothing to worry about... but then I got mad and decided to flex some 'magical' muscles, wrote a blog about it and woke up the next morning to find myself approached by three guys on Facebook who I've been one way or another been flirting with for a while.

I ended up having pretty sweet and platonic conversations with two and the last one ended with an offer/invitation I'm open to. I was with this person already and have wanted to get to know him a little better, so this is a rather well timed ego boost. This is not an usual occurrence. Men talking to me on Facebook, or ever. I assign significance to numbers. I'll do a huge post later about it. But the numbers 3, 4 and 9 have been really significant to me lately.

 I'm not offended and this scares me. I don't usually know myself to bounce back this fast. Streams of relatively sound logic are surfing appropriately in my thought-space. This, is almost a sign of emotional maturity. The fact that I as usual, threw caution to the wind and reached out to a complete stranger only to be pushed away usually brings on waves of inadequacy and low self esteem but it seems like I'm almost relieved that I didn't have to be the one to take him off my friend's list and that's the only thing I feel on him particularly.

However, this is a deep issue.

I thought his response to my message was a bit arrogant. I wasn't referring to alcohol, I'm allergic to it. It makes my hands swell to a point of immobility and they get covered in hives. But then again, what more did I expect from a toe-shoe wearer? It's curious, my attraction to people that are the complete opposite of me. They almost always never end up being attracted to me and if they are and anything comes of it, it's a twisted, sadistic affair that never ends well.

Squares. Conservatives. Normies. I dated one for four years in high school, then was married to another one for four years (he's been absent for a while) so I understand the pathology behind that attraction. They for the most part are attracted to my abstract reasoning. My otherness. And I seek stability and order in them. I have a growing suspicion this is related to my conflict-relationship with my father figure. Which, is so typical and boring of me. It could also be a karmic thing, since my interaction with them always involves growth and challenge within myself, but the part I never like, is having to meet up to their expectations.

I need someone who is going to help encourage me and help revive my creative process right now. Light airy fun fun. Granted, I've never done good with the sensitive types, but here's the possibility of deepening a friendship, which is so appealing to me right now. I need a confidante, a sweet amorous type, not someone to expect me to measure up to them. At this point in my life I need someone who is going to get excited and be spontaneous with me!

Whenever I get to feeling good about life again I go and develop feelings for this type of man. Or this type of man suddenly appears in my life. And it never works out because I haven't yet had a connection in which our opposites worked in harmony. But I recognize where it comes from.I'm a pretty macho, sometimes emasculating, kind of girl. I like the idea of surrendering myself to someone who appears more in control of himself. Nothing gets me hotter, actually. It took a long time to admit that to myself. Balance is what it's all about. In a domestic situation I would seek someone with those qualities, but who is flexible and respects my view of life. I don't have the same attachment to the material world and having a high position in it. Those things don't matter to me. Outer adult inner child complications. I'm a person who's pretty open to everything. Curious to a fault.

I can't really restrict myself to that just yet.

It's obvious I'm going to have to learn to ignore the pull I feel towards this type, which goes against all that I used to believe in. I believe the man I choose to mate with for the rest of this life should illicit that kind of passion within myself, but it might take a long time before I find one who's able to match me. I've accepted that already. That's why we're looking for a Practice daddy. Someone who knows he's only on for a test drive. I'm, of course, open to being surprised by love in any circumstances. I'm ultimately an optimist when it comes to matters of the heart! It always gets me in trouble.

I can't even believe I'm trying to wrap my mind around approaching relationships on a purely logical level, the mere thought sends off alarm bells within myself. What if I then find myself unhappy in a relationship that makes logistical sense? Squares are capable of that. I shiver at the thought.

 This all relates back to Tarot, my sudden fascination with it and the idea of using divinatory systems to create a detailed model of your own universe and using that to better your understanding of yourself and your environment, which is pretty out there, but giving me some interesting results. Card combinations work to reveal the interrelations between prominent archetypes crossing your path and karmic currents in your life. It can be a mind fuck if you're not being honest with yourself. Some combinations scare me in their precision. I spend days sometimes shuffling and pulling the same cards over and over out of the mix. Lately, I've been getting repeat card spreads, which should be highly unlikely but there it is.

My interpretation of what happens, and it's pretty Star Trek, so bear with me, is that when I shuffle a tarot deck, is that while those 78 cards are being shuffled and mix something about that process it creates a vortex of possibility that is able to tap into your own energetic signature, which in terms connect it to an extension of Cosmic Logos  that in turns sends back information your way, in the form of a reading that is in turn interpreted by you, relying heavily one one's own intuition, which is deeply tied to the workings of your own subconscious, which is part of that god-engine cradled in your skull and what is an otherwise simple minded Sapien Sapien to do when she figures out a way of uncovering even a fraction of the multitude of paths around herself?

Why figure out a way to fuck (constructively) with her own destiny of course.

It's getting me thinking about the meaning of life and what my real purpose on this planet is and how I can find a way to convey it through the mediums I've utilized to express myself. I would like to tackle the I Ching next. See what mysteries that uncovers. As far as my love life is concerned, one offers a platonic friendship, gives you his number, then blocks you on Facebook, another wants to (and these are his own words) 'wrap your beautiful energy around him' which makes me think he seems responsive to the idea of mating again. Casanova is going to have troubles peeling me off. It's been a while.

I haven't really had the time to consider the idea getting involved with him because I was not sure about how he felt for me, he was involved with someone else until recently, but everything's changed again.

Life is full of turns and curves and choices. And I like men who put out.

I've been confounded by the idea of this move, upset as well, but about other things and it doesn't affect the calm I feel in my core. Lilo and I have been sick and a few days ago I went into the barn to look at what we had and how to start figuring our move and I found all the pictures of Mitch and us I'd stashed away and thought lost when my old computer crashed. So for an evening we sat down and I showed her a lot of pictures of her father and I kissing and hugging, our wedding pictures and pictures of the two of them holding each other. She tells me that she sees him sometimes when she goes to sleep. It breaks my heart.

So I contacted him today and she spoke to him on Skype. I'm not sure what I'm thinking letting my ex back in my life. I'm thinking...I'm over him, I want to start anew, the last time I tried to he fucked it up. I did as well, but he was toying with me. Now I just want something for myself. I don't care if it doesn't amount to much more than a tryst. With someone I 'tripped' and fell in bed with a couple of months before. Something snapped inside of me that night. It was as if need took control and my body was moving on its own. I want a friend though. I think he and I can be friends and that's something I look forward to. 

I still think it's absolutely hilarious that in 2011, I got laid twice, on my birthday and on Christmas, perfectly timed boons bestowed upon me by the Fates, who could totally tell the charcoaling of my heart was reaching a critical point and allowing myself to be a woman but for a few hours, instead of the maid,  Mommy or anyone's possession,  would intrigue my sanity out of self destruct but for a few more months...until this point where I'm finally starting to realize that I need to start focusing on the areas of my life that are starved for attention. My romantic and creative life. Money will come when I'm doing the things I love and when I need it the most. I am cared for, I'm blessed and I'm loved.

I need to surround myself with people I can give to healthily. I've learned the hard way the lesson about giving too much of yourself to others. I relish my current selfishness. However I feel like I exist behind a wall. And I don't know how to get people to be more open around me. I guess I can be a startling person. Too open and trusting. No one wants to hear about me but I push on hoping they would eventually open their mouth and speak about themselves. Reverse psychology doesn't work as often as I wish it would.

All in all, I'm so excited about this year. It seems like I've finally gotten to a point where I've got control of my own self-defeatist attitude. When one door slams in your face another one opens. My pride, is thoroughly satisfied. And don't get me wrong, the rejection stings and I'm humbled by it, but in the end, life is full of possibilities and there are far too many gorgeous men in this valley for me to be bummed out right now.

Lilo and I are home bound for another month or so and I'm starting to pack up and move items to the barn right away to save myself the burn out I experienced moving in. I've been scattered in my attempts to make connections and this is probably a sign that I should nurture the relationships I already have. I'm looking for soul-kin.

 I feel a rush of creativity these days and I've been working on two paintings simultaneously. Thinking myself smitten (yet again) for a nanosecond definitely had a huge part in the rise out of my stupor. I would thank him, but I'm all for avoiding eye contact if we ever run into each other again.

I got this tidbit when I was doing a reading some days ago and it gave me a start. What are the chances of this having any significance over my recent life? I reserve any opinion until I have further proof, but this is juicy:  

When a reading featuring the Three of Cups also has many cards revealed from the suit of Swords, the issue of commitment and following a strict philosophy begins to take shape. Are your new friends followers of a particular guru whose guidance has made them better and happier people? Be careful not to give blind obedience in exchange for friendship and acceptance.

 Mind fuck indeed. My skin crawls at the thought of that having anything to do with what I think it does. Moving back to Nelson does mean facing this issue again. I'll heed the advice.

"Plato gives a fine description of the search for one's other, his anima. He describes the original human being as a round person, containing both male and female elements. This round one splits into two equal halves when it incarnates, and each half-- a complete male or female, vaguely aware that it is incomplete, lacking its original circular form-- spends it's lifetime searching for its lost other half. This search occurs obviously in its outer form as one devotes so much time and energy to looking for the perfect partner and soul mate; in its inner form, it is a much more diffuse and vague discontent and search for meaning. So much of the vitality of life is invested in these two avenues, and most of the sense of worth and meaning of life comes in this language. To be aware of this search is to be very close to the secret of life. 

Men and women have very different experiences in their search., which gives so much of the character

we ascribe to masculine and feminine. This awareness is essential in making one's way through the labyrinth of early life with its courtship and the later part of life with its search for meaning. Masculine and feminine are but two sides of the same hunger for completeness and the religious experience of ecstasy and wholeness" 

P.41, Lying with the Heavenly Woman, Robert A Johnson.

Aesop Rock- One of Four (Hidden Track)

Thank you
I wish I could explain this better. (Thank you)
I'm sorry for burdening your pleasures. (Thank you)
I love you all with all that's left of me. (Thank you)
For helping try to kill what made a mess of me. (Thank you)
Somehow, someway. (Thank you)
I'ma get you back someday. (Thank you)
Just gotta figure this all out... So..

I guess it is kind of funny when you look at it from a step back
How one man can literally buckle under the same pressures
Other men operate normally under
I have scoped this out from all angles, walking through time
I have been over everything in my head, 'till I can't think anymore
But I guess some times, when you can't breathe, there are people there
to breathe for you
I am lucky enough to have those people around me
Thank you for helping me to not die
Thank you for helping me to not die

PRESENT ENVIRONMENT: BLOCKED EMOTIONS, AVOIDANCE

A state of indecision or truce. Your current outlook is one of either stubborn apathy or obtuse denial. The High Priestess: You are likely controlling a situation through passive-aggressive behavior that will alienate you from friends and family in the long run. Wanting order and stability - you seek to maintain calm through your balanced rationality, which causes you to deny your intuitions. It is the "conflict" between your opinions and others which is causing the stalemate and indecision. The Tower is an indicator that a major upheaval in your life is in the works.

   

OPPOSING FACTOR: Be Emotional, BE INTUITIVE, BE INTIMATE 

This card in the present position is an indicator that you may be powerless over the attraction you have to a soulmate at this very moment.The Page of Cups can also stand for a child or young-at-heart adult whose interactions with you involve emotional needs, moodiness, love, intimacy or spirituality. I believe this is Mitch, he's shown up as the P of C before. Needs heroes or heroines but disillusions painfully. Tends toward an inferiority complex but is actually quite capable and strong. Too much political experience can be harmful. May be overweight or have a peculiar diet. The development of wonderful ideas and psychic abilities through meditation and study, developed in a peaceful way. An important messages will be arriving soon - be ready to start a new project. Continually express your feelings - purify yourself emotionally. You get rid of unwanted feelings by expressing them. "Feel" the ecstatic renewal of your heart and spirit by revealing your deepest emotions.

ROOT CAUSE: Staying nonactive, accessing the unconscious, sensing the mystery. Uncertainty with other people in action, but calmness in spiritual and aesthetic conversations. If the suit of Cups is present near The High Priestess, cool emotions are called for. There could be an overflow of demands on your feelings, but without having the facts in front of you, just feeling like you might be in the presence of a manipulative individual is reason enough to pull back on deep commitments. In the present position, The High Priestess signifies that you are best advised to avoid conflict and to not necessarily believe what is being presented to you as "the truth." The High Priestess is a card of following your hunches. High Priestess and Tower ( & ) --- Vivid dreams. A person with a tragic flaw. Usually a very creative person (Mitch and I met in art school).

 PAST:  The Three of Wands in the past position of a reading represents a situation in which you had hope. The fault here is a tendency to become too involved in directing the lives of others in accordance with personal opinions. The Three is easier going than the Two and therefore less austere. This is a person who is a good leader and a person who fully accepts the valid love of self. If a Sword card or two dominate the present or future situations in your reading that features the Three of Wands, this could mean that all of your hopes are illusions and that your plans for the future are not really well thought out or stand on shaky ground. With Two of Swords - avoiding the facts, staying stuck   

ATTITUDES AND BELIEFS:  RUNNING AWAY,  LONE WOLF STYLE Opposing card: Ten of Wands - meeting obligations, being responsible . This approach is useful when you need to bypass an ineffectual group or assert your independence, but it can also be troubling. We cannot be happy and productive for long without some commitment to others. If the Seven of Swords is in the present part of your Tarot reading, someone may be cheating on you. Tarot readings with Major Arcana cards indicate deeper situations in one's life. Major Arcana cards paired with the Seven of Swords indicate that your independence from group situations is a driving factor in your current journey. Do something daring that proves your bravery, skill, speed and cunning. If it looks like things may not work out the way you have planned them - have an alternate way to go. Apply your mental energy to every task and prepare your ground for later action. You are perfecting your wisdom, gaining maturity as you learn to control your power, emotions and intuition.

FUTURE: WORRY, ANGUISH  Reinforcing Card: Ten of Wands - worrying  This is the card of a bad match. It often means living with someone you can't stand. Analyze your situation carefully now - focus on your priorities and forge ahead. Confront your fears, experience the grief and allow yourself to heal. Complete the process by transforming your pain. Experience pain -identify the "source" of the emotions you are experiencing and then you will know what it is you must change. Stress and depression are the last despair of your rational mind before new possibilities break through from the unconscious and allow it to flow freely. Concentrate on what is most important for you to complete. Immerse yourself completely and totally in your work. Trust in yourself and the course you have committed to. 

YOU AS YOU ARE:  This card shows a situation gone a bit too far. In the present position, the Ten of Wands lets you know that you are in over your head. It suggests a need for new activities and for reevaluation of interests. In readings concerning existing relationships, this card warns of the need for renewed efforts toward mutual intimacy. If such a warning is ignored, unhappiness is likely and, in the case of marriage, a danger of eventual divorce. You have been under pressure and experienced many changes in your lifetime. Your creativity has been blocked because you have taken on too many responsibilities. You are experiencing an oppressive burden both physically and mentally. Dynamic change will "seem" impossible when you are burdened by too great a load or too many activities. When you take on other people's cares and projects - you are unable to take time for yourself. Your vision becomes blocked by the immediate concerns of day-to-day drudgeries. Re-consider the tremendous responsibilities you have taken on. Do you actually prefer life this way or are you purposely holding yourself back? The Three of Wands features one figure staring away from the viewer and is a card of optimism – this card is a symbol of a project with focus and attention to detail instead of scattered energy. The combination of these two cards will allow you to pare down your excess jobs and regain commitment to the most important tasks at hand.

YOU AS OTHERS SEE YOU: This card represents great material stability and strong physical situation. It is an excellent card in readings that deal with physical things or money matters. It's also the card of a well governed home or country. "Earth of strong firmness" is the proper meaning. In negative situations, this card means the absence of change and total inflexibility. Negative cards with the Ace of Coins include High Priestess, Tower (another very bad combination), and most of the Swords. With Seven of Pentacles, have patience and let the issue of the reading develop in a slow, proper manner.

GUIDANCE: The card of the feelings of an artist for a work completely finished, but done to someone else's specifications. This is the card of an object pure and simple --- without any subjective value but possessing almost perfect objective properties. In poor aspect, this card suggests a sense of "let down". In the present position, this card represents your free will and opportunity like few other cards in the deck. The Tarot is letting you know that you can take a little time to see where you can go from here. This is a card that acknowledges you have reached a new level but insists that it is up to you as to whether you will stay on this plateau or move upward for greater success. The Three of Wands appearing in a reading with the Seven of Pentacles indicates that your personal touch will be the thing that aids your success. The Seven of Swords makes the current success something that others might try to take credit for, or you may find others insisting that you somehow owe part of your coming success to them.

OUTCOME:

A sense of religious truth tends to permeate all activity. Rarely successful owing to excessive enthusiasm and idealism. Often totally "blown-out" by failures that would hardly bother other people.The Tower is about the here and now no matter where it falls in the Tarot spread.The High Priestess in a reading with The Tower means your avoidance of certain realities is to blame for part of your world crashing apart.Truth comes all at once or it does not come at all. Release your life energy and you will get past the barriers of repression. Open yourself to the transition - allow your life energy to releases you from the "illusions" and move forward into the light - where the speech of God replaces human speech and revelation replaces the step by step knowledge of your senses. Explosions release you from the "tower" you have created...they lead you to the light of freedom, clearing away situations which have built up intolerable pressure and leading you to new beginnings where enlightenment replaces your limited view of life.

Source: learntarot.com, crystal-reflections.com, billheidrick.com

I've got simplified views and goals in life. I'm a successful bumbler, always managing to squeeze by at the last minute. But I must have been born under a lucky star because fortune always smiles upon me. I've been blessed with a multitude of talents. I've landed in this awesome part of the world and have a beautiful child. We're not starving. Discipline however, has always been something I struggled with. My so-called-genius lies in the abstract and the free form. I'm an air sign. Sword. Ideas zipping through my craniums at a million mile a second. Most of my time is spent thinking. However, I'm not really too coordinated. Its been full on anarchy, no planning what so ever went into me settling myself out here. I've been wasteful and just dispersed mentally. I've also been incredibly sad. There were so many things I could have done out here, but ultimately I have not had the time and energy or even will to get as creative as I've wished to be.

This is why this move is such a blessing. I'm finally going to have the time to work on a few projects I've been ruminating for a bit, which would get me a step closer towards feeling capable and mighty again! My emotions have led me to isolate myself for the past 4 years. I thought I was fighting to be with someone who's love I thought worth fighting for, until I realized I was being toyed with. I then found true love offered to me but did not have the capacity to appreciate it.

Now here I am. Twenty three years old. Almost divorced. Alone in a foreign country with a child. Emotionally hungry. Disillusioned with almost all aspects of modern living. Weary of manipulative people. Disconnected from reality. Excited about the future and the freedom of possibility, all possibility. Aware of a stillness within myself. A calm that did not reside there a while ago. Experiencing the first sparks of love and happiness.

 I've got no social climbing schemes, no monetary goal, no desire for popularity. I've always valued creativity and spiritual goals above material ones. I've got agricultural hobbies and love for the land. I've got the astronomical task of raising this child on my own. As far as I'm concerned, life's going according to plan and I'm on my way to good things, but I guess many people perceive my situation  in a different manner. My opinion is that people are so conservative (in their own neo-hippie, liberated within the bounds of what's socially acceptable way) it makes me a bit uncomfortable and they are free to misjudge me as often as they wish! I'm aware of my negative reputation, perpetuated by cowards unwilling to acknowledge their own personal flaws. I wear it proudly, scales glistening, wings gliding through the fumes of dissent, I proudly don the shroud of the Dragon Lady, resplendent and awe-inducing in my supposed ugliness!

I'm certain that the compass in the center of my chest will from now on overwhelm any confusion that establishes itself in my life. In that process I now place true faith and vow to never ever allow myself to be manipulated out of my freedom and sense of self again.

It's time I concentrate my efforts on rebuilding a bubble of love around my daughter and I. Lilo's still yearning for people who have betrayed us and should not be allowed back into our lives. Destructive people who refuse to take responsibility for themselves and aid the ones around them escape responsibility for their actions against my child and I. Being the one shouldering the effects of their duplicity, I've got no desire to further deal with them, but recognize that Lilo has the right to have them in her life so she wish. And she has been calling for them since they turned their backs on her. I recognize my role in the demise of my relationship with Mitch...I was so eager to have my family that I did not realize his concerns had nothing to do with my child and I.  I hold myself responsible for maintaining belief in his lies and manipulation longer than I should have.

I'm not even going to elaborate on how I've made efforts to keep them in our lives but it created a sea of bitterness that resulted in so many blocks within myself. Yet they are still coming a'knocking for me (though now they want to use Lilo) to give them emotional relief. I understand that Mitch and Sue are that way because it is all they know. Blackmail and psychological abuse is they way they show love to each other in that family. And I've learned that I cannot maintain my mental health within that environment. I cannot trust them.

I once felt a lot of compassion for those two and believe that has been used against me repeatedly. Sue controls with money and games of affection. Mitch is forever pleasure-seeking and avoiding any responsibility he can. But they believe I should remain at their service. I don't have any more love to give to them. I barely have any left for myself and my child. However, since Sue has contributed to Lilo's upbringing, and since Lilo loves her so much, I am ready to work something out, as long as my child is protected from the raving lunacy of her daughter and the rest of her family.

So I've decided to take matters into my own hands and approach the Powers that Be with a request for a mate and a soul family. Lilo and I have been discussing the idea of a Practice Daddy, along with where we were going to live next and how we were going to enrich our lives. She's very eager for one. So am I. He should bring a new dynamic to our relationship. Which implies that he must, of course, be kid savvy. I pray he's an incredible source of love for my child and I. A friend who would enjoy spending time with us without being terrified out of his wits by how intense we can be. His behavior must be gentleman-like. He has to wear a coat of honor, he has to win my child's respect and affection. Lilo is enthusiastic about the prospect of him and is always telling me not to cry, and telling me that I should be happy and we should go out and go look for him, but I told her with this kind of magic, he will be drawn to us.

I'm tired of offering my cup to people who don't appreciate how much of an effort it takes to approach them and how rare it is for me to do so. I'm looking for someone who is ready to share his freely, instead of offering conditional, emotional stipulations. I need to be with someone who is not intimidated by my sexuality. Someone who's intuitive and kind, emotionally responsible and conscious. Tall and athletic, healthy, not obsessed. Must hike. A man who would not be intimidated by the amount of space that I need and my ability to make my own decisions. A man capable of playing, having fun, relaxing and sharing his inner child with Lilo and I. A gifted lover. A gardener.

My first choice would be a Taurus, Cancer then a Leo. An earth sign would be preferred, I'm terribly attracted to them. Scorpio, if I'm feeling adventurous...No bad boys, (Geminis are hit or miss) , Virgos, Capricorns, Libras or Aquarius. I'm not looking for someone to make me jump hoops in order to earn their love or stifle me after being attracted to my outlandish nature. No boys with mommy issues. No obsessions with money, status, career and self worth. I'll never make a good Stepford Wife so I have to find someone who accepts me as I am. I want something that develops slowly but I want to be let in.

I am seeking something in the likes of what I experienced with Jason. I remember the way my heart thumped when I first saw him. I used to think these flushes and waves meant something. I used to think any man who made me feel that way was somehow emotionally significant. I remember  immediately being consumed by a desire to throw myself at him. I am not sure whether or not I should even think of it when I'm trying to attract something new in my life, but I'm hooked on the idea of romance. It's a lot more hope inducing than a realistic view of what a relationship between me and someone else would entail, but Lilo and I can manifest this.

I've had a hard time finding it in myself to be thankful for what we have: Our freedom. The ability to start all over again and choose wisely. I'd been so caught up in the memory of all the negativity we've experienced these past 4 years that my ability to live life fully was crippled. But recently I've felt a change in myself and I feel as if I can once again make outlandish plans and execute most of them while I deal with the trappings of having an overactive imagination and an eager heart. I'm trusting in my path and praying to find the missing pieces of my hoped-for life. I don't think it selfish at all to desire a healthy love relationship with a spiritually mature and emotionally balanced adult. And for once, I actually believe myself worthy of it.

It's taking a while to tape my confidence back on, but I'm doing fine. My pride wounds easily and no amount of sitting with myself and making myself as a rock, pushing through all discomforts and needs has made this desire go away. It builds up until I'm unable to control myself and that happened twice last year. At first I thought if I found some sort of arrangement I might get the physical needs out of the way and keep my own life but I've learned the hard way about how easy it is for someone to dehumanize you when you make that kind of contract. I've also noticed that the majority of the men I attract are seeking some fetishistic scenario and those I feel an attraction for and approach are terrified of me, assume I'm only seeking a sexual connection or wouldn't consider a relationship with someone of my race.

I guess I come across as wild and rebellious, so on the edge of the norm with my exhibitions and superfluous speech, which I only adopt to emulate the detached script polite strangers follow in public meeting grounds across America. I'm distressed by the lack of depth in most of the conversation I have with people, lately. Save for one I had a couple of weeks ago with a friend. I felt really happy that she was able to open herself to me.
 
I've stifled myself in an attempt to please the people around me and it's not something I'm capable of managing much further. It took coming out here to remember what it felt like to be myself: spontaneous, loud, giggly and lusty. I've had to fight over and over again to regain sanity and emotional balance since I was a child, but as of late, the end of every emotional cycle finds me stronger and more willing to give life and love a chance, but I can't do it all myself. It's time for the right pieces to fall into place and complete the puzzle of our 'bright future'.

Lilo's sleeping over at a friend's house. And I miss her.

Some say I have a wild imagination. Others consider it selfishness. I'm thinking it's more like a little bit of heartbreak with a hint of delerium. But this is where all the fun begins. A seed of love was in my palm when Sue gave me that call. Ace of cups. Love. I'm all about sharing my cup with everyone. It's a cosmic gamble. Someone's going to have to share it with me now. I'm also liberating all the kinks I've got in terms of all my love relationships. And I have a lot of emotional blockage backing up lately. So this call for a complete restructuring of my life. I'm getting back to the city in a couple of months. Until then I have no car, will make no commitments to anyone and I will focus on making that goal manifest itself. When Lilo and I get back to the city, I have a feeling we could be taking advantage of a better landscape than this one. Convenience all around, why constrict myself and limit my own creative process by doing all of this penance bullshit?

It's only for the guilty mind and I've decided I'm free of guilt. Anyone's guilt. The constrictions added on exponentially and it all culminated into my car breaking down and now after some New Moon Magic I'm deciding that my life needs to, again, be completely discombobulated and broken down, this time however into manageable pieces that all cater to my child and I's inner gardens flourishing.

So moving to Nelson is going to take a while to reconcile within myself. I don't want to leave the Valley. I will do whatever I have to do to maintain the 'art and parenting is my only occupation' schtick until she's old enough to go to school. The amount of work I put into this goal will determine the outcome so I have to maximize the amount of time I put into work as an artist in order to get somewhere as an artist.

There are many ways of making that happen. I could get a landscaping job which would keep my pecs in shape or I could rely on my co-dependent benefactor, which...you know what my choice is going to be. Government checks and community gardening. Pentacles fall out of my pockets daily because I have no attachment to it. There's abundance around me. I can make shit happen. I can't deny it to myself anymore, Lilo and I are having some serious dietary issues and our nutrition plan needs some serious overhauling. Lilo wants her daddy and nana and I need to find a balanced way to make that happen. Our emotional lives are in shambles and it's time to hold some folks accountable. I'm going to need some time to put my life back together and you know, while all of that's happening, I want a man in my pants.

So come on Universe, I'm the Magician and you my Play-doh.

I just had an epiphany!

That was no ego death I just experienced, that was my brain rearranging itself. Everything is suddenly hilarious and meaningless. And I need more love in my life. Free love, as a matter of fact, not love dolled out after a payment has been handed over, free actual free love.

Because, it was love that made me rush into wedded bliss with a madman. Not the love of money as his parents have often implied, but real unadulterated love. I loved Mitch. I still do. I loved Sue, I still do. I loved them more and more as his family came down around us with their jealousy and insecurities. And now it is my desire for more love in my life that is creating this kink that has just burst in a damn of insurmountable possibilities. Ah ha!!!

Ego. The sun. It all makes sense now. The wall and the this and why are you not getting excited with me. Hey you, fuck this fourth wall bullshit. Get Excited with me! 

 Love got me into this mess. A whole lot of love is going to get me out of this mess. And I've just lost my mind. First thing I'm going to ask, is that nothing gets done until someone gives Mitch a home. Because if they want to use him like a marionette puppet and claim that he's the one making all the demands on paper, they can damn well give him a house so he can stop feeling like his world is caving in on itself. Give Mitch all the money, and the bullshit you promised him in order to get him to leave us, THEN try to make it seem like he's the one who's orchestrating this divorce.

The happiest outcome |I can think of finds him, Lilo and I, dealing with each other without any more interference from his family. Because his family is the only thing i can think of that could get in the way of me loving him again. Not in a romantic sense, no that's done. We were never given a chance to be a family and figure it out for ourselves.

Money, money money I can give a fuck. I wouldn't be living here if I gave a fuck about money. I would be playing interpersonal emotional games with the rest of you. But I don't do that. I give my love free. And the way you earn my love, is by doing the same. 

I'm in trouble.

Lovers and Hermit ( & ) --- In spiritual matters, great

power. Magical workings. In physical matters, danger

from the magnitude of forces used.

Ego death has never felt this good.

Dislike of purely spiritual mental states and shortness of temper

I have no idea where to begin to work the kinks out of myself. I guess my mind is a maze of tunnels in which I spend most of my time reveling, not really taking too much time outside myself. Maybe if I was I looking from the outside, I'll have a tip or two on how to un-kink myself. It would, of course, include a metaphor or ten about sex in various, unsafe positions.

I choose to view myself rather lightly these days. Everything, as a matter of fact. I'm focusing on the idea of not worrying. I'm sure others will interpret it as selfishness of some sort, this attitude of mine. Matters not to me. And maybe it should. Perhaps then this wall I sense between me and everyone else would dissolve. But everyone maintains a wall. Everyone has a mask. It's a social thing. Assimilate or be ostracized, bitch. Here's the positive speech memo, get yourself faith and a smile, stop complaining and shut the fuck up. But try as I may I'm still bothered. I'm not sure if it's because I'm ungrateful and unable to count the blessings in my life. I thought I noted those things. Life's been tougher than usual but I've been thankful for this break.

People. Touch. The human smell. I wonder if there are any cultures left that sleep in a big puppy pile... I would like that. I almost yearn for it. This might be the root for my harem of husbands fantasy, I must admit. The alternative, to an adult 'cuddle-thon' is having an entire litter of kids and co-sleeping, but not only is that not ecologically friendly, but the idea of reproducing right now terrifies me. Not to mention, I've got my next offspring scheduled in 7 years and not anytime sooner. My grandmother had nine children and I've got all the respect for her but I could never do that.

Still... I wonder how badly most people recognize our need for a familiar, comforting touch. My repressed animal self wishes to lie in a pheromone pile somewhere really sunny. Perhaps if modern civilization collapses I will get my wish, though more in the 'Cro-magnon and in tune with the Earth' way and less  'Mad Max, zombie cannibalism' kind of way.

I have random, open conversations with people all the time. I like when it happens because I can walk away having learned something completely new that day. But I find that people are never really willing to let you in or be open for the most part, settling for that detached empty prattle I'm never able to attempt and and that has caused a huge closing in myself. I'm getting pretty lonely and I yearn for deep connections with people.

Community out here is nowhere near what it used to be, and a mile from what community looks like in Africa. Perhaps this might begin to start explaining why I feel like I'm walking around with antennas sticking out of my head! I was born in a different culture and I have a completely different appearance. You should hear what children say about Lilo and I, the way they stare bug-eyed! It reflects my interaction with people whenever I wonder back into Nelson, I'm just dealing with people who don't really know what to make of me, and that's an interesting experience. I listen to their observations with nothing more than amusement but it really reinforces the feeling that I am an alien floating further out of connection with the idea of being part of anything other than my big-headed self, dragging along my mini-me. And it's a painful one.

But I could just be a whiny brat here. My life is just as I wished it to be. But I want more. Does that really make me ungrateful? I'm appreciate of the swell in my chest and the re-ignition of the pain of these past four years, considering that a couple of years back I was numb and cold, absolutely unable to open myself again, to trust a love that was freely offered to me. I'm working to get myself out of these emotional quicksands, but I'm...unable to center myself emotionally. Full on sob fest some times, though those are getting rare, quiet contemplation most of the time. I've formulated enough ideas to give myself some sort of direction this year, which involves making choices I would rather not make. I should adapt to my new environment, sip the cool-aid and conform, why the fuck not. Why pay attention to feelings of needing so much more?

Dislike of purely spiritual mental states and shortness of temper- I can identify with that one. But I have my reasons. I've yet to find someone capable of guiding me through some of the unconventional experiences I've dealt with while in those states so I'll rather avoid them. That and it requires discipline which I've let go off in the past few months. I've got troubles focusing on my breathing and I'm at least making an effort to correct that. My diet, however, is in shambles. During my stay in Nelson I indulged in as much dairy and bread as I could dare intake, only to purge in the middle of the night or the next morning. I've not slept a lot these past few months either so I'm all out of wack. 

I try not to let all of these mental aerobics stop me from conversing with people out in the streets but since I can't attempt a carefree demeanor it must show and I've been meeting a lot of people and not really feeling like I can keep up with the regular pace of life.

But I love talking to people and there's nothing more I love than having random, life altering conversations with absolute strangers. That is one of the things I miss about Vancouver. That and the freedom to roam all over the safe parts of town at all hours of the nights. Club hopping and trysting left and right, had I known what I was sacrificing, when I chose to hole up with him, had I had the awareness of the constriction I was placing on myself, would I have made the same choice?

I think I always knew in the back of my mind that being with Mitch was absolutely crazy. But that's also the reason why I flew arms wide open in that situation. I remember being convinced of our union being the beginning of something mystical, I remember being ecstatic at times with him, so happy to lose my self in hours of love making and whispering deep into the night...but our relationship was just such an impractical one.

Life to that point had been devoid of any real emotional awareness and I was an endorphin freak. It was easy to give myself to the fantasy then and when it proved to be just that and life got worse to the point of me losing almost all sense of self. Throwing myself into the unknown is what again catapulted me out of that mess into this...this in between that I've holed myself into. I'm not sure what this is. It feels like wanting, trying to understand, trying to protect myself and my child and not really being able to relax.The cards tell me it's a lot of things, selfishness, victim mentality and growth.

Growth is uncomfortable, growth is painful and confusing.

The Purple Castle of Avoidance. The place I've come to face my blocks but I'm nowhere near knocking these walls down, it seems. I've no idea where to start. I'm in self reliance mode and overwhelmed by the responsibility on my shoulders but I refuse to back down, or cave in, or even go as far as placing a mask on again in order to function. I thought I would come here and sit, in the peace intermittently polluted by the sound of pacing vehicles and finally have a conversation with the Overlords that be, my method of communication being Tarot cards and meditation but I feel like I'm getting to just feeling worse about some things and the situation I'm in and more inclined to change it.

I really think I've spread myself too thin between here and Nelson. It's madness, the amount of money I've spent on gas alone, not to mention wood, pretty much the most expensive camping trip ever. But I've come out of it more complete than I was when I arrived here.

One of the things I struggle to comprehend and meditate on is that all relationships are a lesson in one form or the other and I walk away from this situation with a better understanding of the person I want to be, though I wallowed in misery for quite a while before I came to that conclusion. I've learned a lot about who I want to surround myself with and how I want to treat others and be treated. In this case, by the end of the lesson all parties are so bitter they don't want anything to do with one another (but they want to further manipulate my daughter and I's lives which showcases their own strain of crazy) so I don't know how I can use that axiom to garner a better understanding of how I should manage these negative feelings. I'm taking the lesson, trying to abandon the book but it won't let me go.

My life is blessed. I've beyond been given everything that I could possibly need in terms of the material plane, though things seem a bit in shambles in my life right now, I'm aware of a force outside of my understanding of the physical plane working in my favor, watching over me. What I am right now, is so hungry for a connection, with my child, with the people around myself. Everything is spread out and I've lodged myself in the middle of here. I have to find a solution to this dilemma!

The divorce is a blessing in disguise. Everything about my separation from him and his family works in my benefit. Any pain I might have felt in the past, from clinging to any notions of him and I functioning as a healthy couple is long gone. It's his aunt I'm not quite sure what to make of. I have no qualms about her maintaining a relationship with my child, since she's been there for her from the start, but I am closed of to the idea of continuing a relationship with her.

Lilo is making lots of friends in this new place and I'm managing a social front. It's not like people are eager to be intimate and share about themselves in conversations with a stranger. I'm running all over the place but it's more in an unscheduled and sporadic sort of way, but I enjoy riding this wave of spontaneity, it seems to have shaken me out of my doldrums.

Being out here has given me the right kind of setting to be able to finally have honest conversations with myself. I'm afraid of losing its peace, but I'm starting to realize that I don't really have the kind of bonds that I would like to have in my life and the world is still so full of unknown.

Where do I start to build up that love within myself? How do I avoid a burn-out from giving too much to the wrong people without being overtly self indulgent, selfish and guarded? How do I begin to understand my path? How do I accept it? Where is my home base going to end up being? What are my gardening plans going to be this year? Am I buying a new car? What kind of housing am going to live in? What about canning? And flying back to Virginia? Am I ever going to speak to my father again? Will I give up all my wood-person ways and skill gathering plan for reintegration in the modern, plastic and convenience-filled way of life?

I thought I had everything figured out for this year, now everything is changing. There is steam coming out of my ears but I'm holding on to the idea of inner peace. My strategy right now, is to care for my daughter, care for myself and revise my options. We're going to be fine. I'm not sure how. So there's nothing to worry about.

: )

Gypsies and Jezebels

I've been having an interesting time here in Nelson. Perhaps it's the excitement of being around so many people, or just the rush of activities that we took on, but it's been an emotional roller coaster and I've been highly moody as I tend to be this time of the year. There are explosions going off in my heart space and I'm not certain what my next step ought to be. Summer, especially last one, I found myself suddenly grounding, with the physical exercise, hiking and meditation bringing some form of discipline to my life. Until everything changed.

Now with the sputtering and squeaking not to mention lack-of-braking of my car, I'm looking at a couple of months of immobility before I can get another vehicle. Which doesn't sound so bad. I could organize myself and finally spend more time working on my individual projects than I have in the past few months. It's been beyond hard, emotionally. I've fought hard with myself to slip on a mask of pseudo confidence and for a while felt a zeal mounting within myself, something that was probably exacerbated with my sudden awareness of an attractive man in my sphere of existence, but a phone call brought that all to a halt.

I didn't expect to hear from Sue again, and suddenly, I found myself in the same place I was emotionally when I left Calgary. That sense of intense victimization just overtakes me and I'm so angry all of a sudden I can't control myself. I sob and I rage. My mom asked me whether I was still so emotional about this situation because I was still in love with Mitch which is not true at all. Mitch is a complete stranger to me at this point, and I'm wondering if this is part of my avoidance pattern. He's done the same, we're complete strangers, and his mom is still trying to pull strings from behind the scene. And that just rubs me the wrong way. The fact that Sue decided to give in to her daughter's manipulations is a huge source of pain for me but that's my reason for wanting to just start all over with a clean slate out here. But I'm deeply achy in my heart space. I'm attempting patience and failing half of the time. And today's emotional scream fest informed me that this issue has not been resolved yet in myself.

I don't know what to do about it. I'm just so lost out here. Losing our metal horse is going to suck hard. I'm deeply failing at a structured form of spirituality, I've stopped dancing, I'm hormonal and uncomfortable and very sad some days. But others, and as of late, Lilo and I have found ourselves giggling and laughing like there was nothing to it and I've felt hope in the past month. Isolation has been hard with a three year old child. I don't know how I've made it this far too be honest. The well of strength that I'm able to tap into to keep me afloat seems to be getting low these days, but I've got the misfortune of coming from a line of overachieving women. It's been great on my body, I've become somewhat of a beast, in every good sense of the word. I could be again, more disciplined with my diet, but it's controlled comfort eating at this point. I'm allowing myself a few vices.

Page of Cups, Five of Swords. I'm trying to think about that one. I've been getting lots of cups lately. I've been so eager to gain control over myself and my child that I've forgotten why I'd gotten myself stuck out here in the first place. To regain freedom, to remember what it felt like to be me, instead of the repressed, sarcastic, bitter fuck toy my ex wanted me to be. To be far away from his toxicity that I might be able to experience love again. Grab life by the throat and finally stop limiting myself! I feel so out of touch with everything and everyone. But I make the effort constantly to connect people. Even if I can't pull up their name I never forget a face, at least, not that I remember, lol.

I guess I'm also not ready to forgive. The way I've chosen to deal with this situation emotionally is through repression. I've distanced myself physically from it and have allowed the daily activities of my new life to overtake that previous mindset. I also don't know whether I'm avoiding the city in order to not have to process people and their behaviors, and my behavior in response to theirs. I keep associating spirituality to asceticism and achieving a sense of detachment about everything but I guess that includes the harm inflicted on me and I don't seem to be over that one. I've also inflicted harm and I'm now probably harming Sue by blocking her out of our lives, but I'm overeager to protect myself and Lilo. Seclusion was my way of barricading myself against the world but I've found myself more lonely and starved emotionally. What happens when I forgive? If I forgive. I've told myself it's already happened but I cannot tolerate the thought of being near any of them.

The heart region of my chest is alive with flutters and waves, rolls of emotions. Most of it is pain, but there is joy, and I am so happy to find myself on the other side. I had to be selfish in order to secure my own path yet I find myself absolutely frail in my own faith right now. Perhaps it's the physical exhaustion, or the fact that I spent many nights awake because sleep escapes me. I've also felt my lower belly come alive. I'm trying to picture what the summer would look like. I will bury my fingers in the soil and dig next to Lilo. I will take steps to obtain my gun license. I may have to get a job to afford a decent truck. We will have to do a lot more canning. My job for the next two months is to secure Lilo and I living/garden space close to public transportation.

Losing the car would be a huge relief since the insurance bill makes my guts squeeze uncomfortably. Doesn't leave me as self sufficient as I would like to be but I think the idea of self sufficiency and independence from anything and everyone at this point is an illusion I would rather not perpetuate. I've taken this mental health break at the expense of many. I've survived the winter with the help of my neighbors. Life has been generous to my daughter and I. We've been blessed with friends. I've been making efforts to open up to people. I'm not sure why I found myself unable to enjoy that evening out a couple of days ago. What lesson have I yet to learn?


The Devil- Love is the vital element of intuitive knowledge. Since you can not "love" evil - choose never to enter its chaotic world or you can easily loose your way. Be an "outside" observer as you begin your journey to overcome the materialistic view of life. Overcome any thoughts of misery or depression, any feelings of being chained, imprisoned or the illusion that there is no other alternative. The feelings that love has turned into a trap and you are a "slave" to your desires. The experience of shame and helplessness as you give in to your desires - which eventually result in the acceptance of a bad situation or viewing unhappy conditions as normal and actually fighting against positive change.

I'm ready to embrace more simplicity if it would bring meaning to this complete restructuring of my life. Allowing the bush to swallow Lilo and I up might just be what Lilo and I need to find our equilibrium. I want to spend more time outside when it warms up! I want to hike constantly this summer. I want to find a way to shake this bitterness out of my life and learn how to live again.

I don't know how to deal with Sue and frankly I don't want to. I know I ought to take the moral high road, but right now it hurts. I hurt. And my life, despite having been filled with so much blessing as of late, is still devoid of emotional fulfillment. And the penance of water hauling and wood chopping is not too inspiring.

It's working

I've been able to ascertain from numerous observations I've made while in conversation with friends in the past few months that I'm a bit self centered. A tad bit, overly involved with myself. But let's break that down for a bit. Most people are not willing to reveal personal information about themselves during conversations to me. I however, as you can tell, have not too many uses for secrecy so I can have any discussion about anything. Which is understandably, something a lot of people have issues relating to. I often uses examples pertaining to my own experiences to attempt to draw confessions out of people but I guess I've just been making myself seem self-absorbed in the process.

And I am. Self-absorbed. I am standing on the precipice of a new life, one that I've built through blunders, bad decisions and sheer luck! There are so many things I would like to accomplish! More toil and struggle! For the past few years I believe I've been locked in a process of mental transmutation that has made me even more cerebral than I've ever been, incapable of really paying attention to the people around me and now I'm having some difficulty synching back into society...not that there ever was a place for me it seems. I'm entrenched in the position of the outsider and I'm used to marginalization. I'm at peace with wherever I happen to be floating. Belonging and prominence in a social group has never been any concern of mine, so it's not going to start being one now. However, I on my life path, seem to have been colliding with people for whom those are primary concerns and it has left my life in tatters...

Struggling to reconcile that with those inner desires, the most throbbing one being that of a healthy sexual relationship with someone, something that won't result in STDs and a crumpled self esteem... I'm actually considering seducing someone, which would normally induce a fit of giggles both in myself and anyone who knew me and knew of my interaction with members of the opposite sex. I'm fucking serious, though. Lucky for me, men willing to sleep with me are not hard to come by. Finding one I have something in common with shouldn't be this difficult. Finding one I'm drawn to happens very rarely, but it does happen... However, the last man I was emotionally connected to could read my body like a map and I have not had that kind of sex since. Maybe I'm ruined.

Not to mention I've spent the past few posts trying to rationalize against that impulse but- I'm currently house sitting in Nelson, and god bless my friend's heart, for giving us the opportunity to return to civilization for a bit. It's been such a blessing and has certainly helped pull me out of the cabin-fever induced reality crisis I've been struggling through. However, it's certainly been queer readjusting to the reality of close-proximity living with other humans and last night I had the displeasure of being woken from a vaporous dream by the culminating moans and grunts of her amorous neighbors, which at first I ascertained to be part of a sex dream I was entering, which...would have been nice. 

My brain runs on and on at all hours of the day, but it’s the most active in the middle of the night. I would have gotten up to wonder about as I'm prone to do but I was so tired I forced myself back into an uneasy sleep. I'm having a hard time managing those feelings on top of everything I have to deal with.

I'm struggling to find an answer to my transportation issues and living arrangement right now. I'm in Winlaw and would like to remain there. However, my car is failing and my options are buying a beater that might not last me the year month or moving back to Nelson to have access to all amenities, but having to pay at least eight hundred a month for rent which makes my stomach knot at the mere thought.

I would like to remain in seclusion to further heal and create more work! I have been sketching again, which is something I have not done in a while. And were I to go back to work, it would be to do some kind of physical labor. That's the only thing I could tolerate to be quite honest. I'm going to garden again. I'm not going to VA anymore, which gives me the ability to get myself a vehicle. But that's about it. Back to zero. I've got all the tools I need now to develop myself. So a big fat thank you to Susan Scurfield, ladies and gentlemen!

My plans still are to get my hands on a pick up truck, to be able to do some work out there. Learning how to weld, rebuilding my portfolio, growing another garden, studying my way through the book bin I have dragged all this way and canning are among the things I'm trying to organize for myself this year. The painting I've been working on needs to get back to Winlaw soon, and done, to go to a show on the fifteen, at the Wee gallery. My first show! Totally unplanned. Then I'm trying to get on a couple of projects headed by friends. Perhaps schedule my own show? I'm also trying to get back to my media education and will be making a conscious effort to develop my Youtube channel and make some music. This all involves getting my hands on sound editing software which I tried doing a couple of months back, when Mitch had just served me with divorce papers, and I was not feeling well.

I'm trying to organize myself. I'm choosing to turn my back against anything that does not benefit Lilo and I. It's making life a lot brighter and manageable. It's not hard to dehumanize someone who does the same to you. It's a bit difficult to dehumanize someone who dehumanizes you on the behalf of others while claiming and truly believing they love you.

Whatever. I'm not dwelling on this shit. Tonight, I'm going dancing : ) 

Teebs - While You Dooooo (Extended)

Facepalm

Someone hand me a tab, vasectomy, chastity belt or something... Anything to render me immune to reproductive, hormonal clogs n' squirts and all that biochemical fuckery that takes place whenever this homo homo sapien sapien gazes upon a man she finds herself engineered to be attracted to. I'm trying to focus on the direction my life path's taking me into right now and my thoughts are prone to wondering off through Disney-tinted, x-rated portholes that lead to self-fanned obsessions that always end in pathetic heartbreak so please, please Mind, stop fucking with me!

If I'm reading the cards right, and have been in the past month, Cupid's should be sticking a prick inside me sometime soon- so let's assume it happened, this is a nutter's blog. And I am displaying the now familiar symptoms of acute infatuation. Pinned again by the demi-god's delirium-inducing arrows! A unrelenting sharp tip that embeds itself under my skin, festers and keeps me awake! A 'cock-shaped' pox upon my self-imposed chastity!

The problem is, I'm not sure I'm interested in this happening, or even imagining that this is happening. Secretly, I'm giddy at the prospect. But logically, this is not a good idea. This is supposed to be the time I establish self-mastery and discipline in order to engineer myself a lucrative self-propelled career. Don't get me wrong Destiny, I would like a good soul mate or five, even! Lilo's asking for extraneous dads daily and the thought of having one or multiple partners...to do the fucking chores and help raise her sounds heaven sent, but I have so much work ahead of me I don't see how this distraction, if it be naught but another mind meandering of mine, is going to help!

Perhaps frustration entices the imagination! Am I to be tantalized into productivity by these patterns and coincidences titillating my brain enough to send it into overdrive?

It's not working.