Sunday, February 28, 2010
Prodigy -Thunder
this song reminds me of my middle and high school year. It was hardcore, trust. Dodging perverts and hiding under layers of fat, bad clothes and a bad haircut, that was me trying to survive wealthy suburbia. Everything was black and white, my understanding of things was limited, really naive. I don't miss it.
Listening to the Prodigy makes me feel old.
Alice Coltrane - Journey In Satchidananda
Satchidananda: meaning existence, consciousness, and bliss
Alice Coltrane, Great aunt of Flying Lotus, who've featured before.
Love her stuff. It's great music to float/meditate to.
Fascinated with Eastern philosophy as I
She's gone now, but her music still speaks to us.
Feeling no crime
Letting go is the hardest thing that a human being can do, I've realized.
We always have the inate need to possess, hold: money, clothes, jewelry, lifestyles, feelings, habits, people we care about. We seem to associate, equate growth with the amount of material things we think we have control of...or that we convince ourselves we have a control of.
But letting go...of anger, pain, and most importantly the possessive qualities of the love ( like wanting his presence and attention, affection, to be near him) I once had for my daughter's father have been so hard to do.
Even with my daughter, I know that one day I would have to let go of her tiny little hand, even though by then it might even be larger than mine...in my mind though, that would not be the case.
She would always be my little girl. I always want to keep her close to my bosom.
I know she would one day have to go figure things out by herself. God willing, I would spend all those years of her growing up hovering, keeping danger away, before she has to defend herself. But I know now how/why my mom calls sometime twice daily, to check on Lilo and I.
I can't imagine how it must feel not being able to see not only your daughter, but also your eagerly awaited, born the day after your birthday and middle-namesake granchild...and I have expressed before my desire to grow old surrounded by my children and grandchildren.
May they be numerous, morally conscious and all joyous!
As far as her father is concerned, it's hard for young girls to let go of fairy tale notions.
Growing up under the influence of Disney, we're programmed to believe that our prince charming would always do the right thing, no matter what, and even if you weren't fixed to the cartoons no one ever falls in love and takes the plunge believing that there's solid ground rushing towards you at high velocity, but I did crash.
And I've been feeling the aftershocks since June of last year.
I've cried, I've held so much anger in my heart. Now, there's just pain, a waining, wailing sort of pain, a realisation that the world is a stark, dark place to live in and despite the titanic-sized amount of joy my daughter has brought to my life, I can't help but feel a certain amound of desperation, and a vague sense of hopelessness appearing in the horizon of my thoughts. ND loves me, but I'm unable to reciprocate his affections in an equal amount and that goes further into making me feel like I've been damaged, irreparably.
In the past few days I've gotten into discussions with a lot of people, including my mother, who seem to feel that I'm too sentimental, too emotional. Just because I'm able to feel compassions for people who I perceive have been wounded deeply (per example Native Folk-people and African-American offspring of slavery) does not make me weak, nor does it mean that I'm too mushy or flutter-headed. Some of the people who I've got this conversation usually condemn me of the opposite when I reveal my stance on pedophiles in today's world (they're an evil cancer to our society and they need to be erased, eradicated, executed. All of them. Whether they've offended or not). In all those cases, depending on whom I was arguing against, my cultural background was evoked, I guess in a referall to the way Africans usually deal with their emotional upsets, which is, they don't.
My mom policy for everything is, in various tones: Get over it. The same goes for a lot of our relatives. Ironically, not a lot of my uncles and aunts seem to be making past the age of 50, most of them felled by heart attacks and coronaries, usually brought about by tough emotional cirmcumstances. My uncle Pablo recently died of a broken heart: his estranged wife was impregnated by a white man. The horror.
Another example of African stoicism towards emotions or matters of the heart ( or in this case, the mind ) is that of my brother, who has displayed alarming signs of having somewhat of a similar condition than my soon-to-be ex husband. But he's been judged by his actions, which have been to this point destructive. But what is most alarming is how my brother has deteriorated from an unrully teenager to somewhat of a reclusive lunatic, and I don't mean that in an insulting way. I love my brother, but we've never been close. And before my experience with Mitch, I had not really considered the possibility that he might have been mentally ill.
The reason why I bring it up is that my whole life I've been torn between being brought up in an environment where we're expected to bionic almost. Growing up in a colonized society would give anyone complexes, but for the African man and woman, expectations are twice as high as someone growing up in the west.
Circumstances are dire, governments are corrupted, and the gap between the rich and the poor is exponential. He/She must work twice as much to compare to a white potential employee and that's where having the highest mark counts. Being able to get over anything, no matter what, is an assett not to a poor african, trying to forge a comfortable life. This is the story of my mother, father, and countless relatives who have had to break their backs, overcoming obstacles in order to provide a comfortable life for their relatives and children.
So imagine my parents' dissapointment, that instead of a Evangelical Christian Overachiever, they got a Dreamer-Artist, Cry-Baby, Ethnically-Confused daughter. I was supposed to get over whatever was bothering me ( oh the little case of being raped at the age of four, then 6, then 9, then molested at 13, growing up with confusion around who my father was, the insecurity created by our constant travelling continent to continent, something I do consider myself extremely priviledged to have been privy too,but which has hindered my ability to maintain long lasting friendships ) and make my parents proud, by turning out to be a worthy investment. Lucky African girl who gets to escape the misery back home me. The shame I've must have brought them, not only getting pregnant in university, but instead of marrying a good god-fearing black boy I fell in love with a fellow artist who turned into a lunatic who abandoned me and a newborn at the whim of his family.
I guess I got what I deserved /sarcasm.
I'm trying to be present in the pain, to acknowledge it, to mourn at my own pace. Because despite what anyone feels, or thinks that I should feel, I have suffered a great loss. And I would rather deal with it at my own pace and emerge on the other side unburdened by locked up and stored-away feeling, than keeling over at the age of 50 because I've harbored so much hurt, without an outlet, that my poor heart finally exploded.
I think the secret, about my family, is that the reason why we are so loud, raucous, and passionate is that we have hearts twice the normal size. And sometimes, we love so much that fleshy organ just can't take no more.
But sometimes, I wonder if, just like they say, one day I would wake up and not hurt anymore.
I've mentioned before that I've woken up and felt better, felt like I was over him. But lately, the pain has returned, and I seem unable again to control my tears. I don't want to be consumed by it.
The pain, that is.
I would like to get around doing my chores, goddammit.
I don't think my sanitary situation can handle another second of this depression.
We always have the inate need to possess, hold: money, clothes, jewelry, lifestyles, feelings, habits, people we care about. We seem to associate, equate growth with the amount of material things we think we have control of...or that we convince ourselves we have a control of.
But letting go...of anger, pain, and most importantly the possessive qualities of the love ( like wanting his presence and attention, affection, to be near him) I once had for my daughter's father have been so hard to do.
Even with my daughter, I know that one day I would have to let go of her tiny little hand, even though by then it might even be larger than mine...in my mind though, that would not be the case.
She would always be my little girl. I always want to keep her close to my bosom.
I know she would one day have to go figure things out by herself. God willing, I would spend all those years of her growing up hovering, keeping danger away, before she has to defend herself. But I know now how/why my mom calls sometime twice daily, to check on Lilo and I.
I can't imagine how it must feel not being able to see not only your daughter, but also your eagerly awaited, born the day after your birthday and middle-namesake granchild...and I have expressed before my desire to grow old surrounded by my children and grandchildren.
May they be numerous, morally conscious and all joyous!
Growing up under the influence of Disney, we're programmed to believe that our prince charming would always do the right thing, no matter what, and even if you weren't fixed to the cartoons no one ever falls in love and takes the plunge believing that there's solid ground rushing towards you at high velocity, but I did crash.
And I've been feeling the aftershocks since June of last year.
I've cried, I've held so much anger in my heart. Now, there's just pain, a waining, wailing sort of pain, a realisation that the world is a stark, dark place to live in and despite the titanic-sized amount of joy my daughter has brought to my life, I can't help but feel a certain amound of desperation, and a vague sense of hopelessness appearing in the horizon of my thoughts. ND loves me, but I'm unable to reciprocate his affections in an equal amount and that goes further into making me feel like I've been damaged, irreparably.
In the past few days I've gotten into discussions with a lot of people, including my mother, who seem to feel that I'm too sentimental, too emotional. Just because I'm able to feel compassions for people who I perceive have been wounded deeply (per example Native Folk-people and African-American offspring of slavery) does not make me weak, nor does it mean that I'm too mushy or flutter-headed. Some of the people who I've got this conversation usually condemn me of the opposite when I reveal my stance on pedophiles in today's world (they're an evil cancer to our society and they need to be erased, eradicated, executed. All of them. Whether they've offended or not). In all those cases, depending on whom I was arguing against, my cultural background was evoked, I guess in a referall to the way Africans usually deal with their emotional upsets, which is, they don't.
My mom policy for everything is, in various tones: Get over it. The same goes for a lot of our relatives. Ironically, not a lot of my uncles and aunts seem to be making past the age of 50, most of them felled by heart attacks and coronaries, usually brought about by tough emotional cirmcumstances. My uncle Pablo recently died of a broken heart: his estranged wife was impregnated by a white man. The horror.
Another example of African stoicism towards emotions or matters of the heart ( or in this case, the mind ) is that of my brother, who has displayed alarming signs of having somewhat of a similar condition than my soon-to-be ex husband. But he's been judged by his actions, which have been to this point destructive. But what is most alarming is how my brother has deteriorated from an unrully teenager to somewhat of a reclusive lunatic, and I don't mean that in an insulting way. I love my brother, but we've never been close. And before my experience with Mitch, I had not really considered the possibility that he might have been mentally ill.
The reason why I bring it up is that my whole life I've been torn between being brought up in an environment where we're expected to bionic almost. Growing up in a colonized society would give anyone complexes, but for the African man and woman, expectations are twice as high as someone growing up in the west.
Circumstances are dire, governments are corrupted, and the gap between the rich and the poor is exponential. He/She must work twice as much to compare to a white potential employee and that's where having the highest mark counts. Being able to get over anything, no matter what, is an assett not to a poor african, trying to forge a comfortable life. This is the story of my mother, father, and countless relatives who have had to break their backs, overcoming obstacles in order to provide a comfortable life for their relatives and children.
So imagine my parents' dissapointment, that instead of a Evangelical Christian Overachiever, they got a Dreamer-Artist, Cry-Baby, Ethnically-Confused daughter. I was supposed to get over whatever was bothering me ( oh the little case of being raped at the age of four, then 6, then 9, then molested at 13, growing up with confusion around who my father was, the insecurity created by our constant travelling continent to continent, something I do consider myself extremely priviledged to have been privy too,but which has hindered my ability to maintain long lasting friendships ) and make my parents proud, by turning out to be a worthy investment. Lucky African girl who gets to escape the misery back home me. The shame I've must have brought them, not only getting pregnant in university, but instead of marrying a good god-fearing black boy I fell in love with a fellow artist who turned into a lunatic who abandoned me and a newborn at the whim of his family.
I guess I got what I deserved /sarcasm.
I'm trying to be present in the pain, to acknowledge it, to mourn at my own pace. Because despite what anyone feels, or thinks that I should feel, I have suffered a great loss. And I would rather deal with it at my own pace and emerge on the other side unburdened by locked up and stored-away feeling, than keeling over at the age of 50 because I've harbored so much hurt, without an outlet, that my poor heart finally exploded.
I think the secret, about my family, is that the reason why we are so loud, raucous, and passionate is that we have hearts twice the normal size. And sometimes, we love so much that fleshy organ just can't take no more.
But sometimes, I wonder if, just like they say, one day I would wake up and not hurt anymore.
I've mentioned before that I've woken up and felt better, felt like I was over him. But lately, the pain has returned, and I seem unable again to control my tears. I don't want to be consumed by it.
The pain, that is.
I would like to get around doing my chores, goddammit.
I don't think my sanitary situation can handle another second of this depression.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Someone please tell Kanye West's new piece that she would never, ever amount to the greatness that is Grace Jones.
I'm insulted on Ms Jones and Jean Paul Goude's behalf.
If you don't know who Grace Jones is...I shed a tear for you.
This woman is a deity.Yes. I've been worshipping at the altar of Jones since I was a little girl. Partly cause she resembles my mom in her pro-athlete days.
My mom can't stand her though. Never appreciated the comparaison.
My mom can't stand her though. Never appreciated the comparaison.
Sousou & Maher Cissoko: Idong (official video)
Today's a beautiful day outside. It's sunny. I took Lilo to a playgroup. She enjoyed herself. I've gotta go finish my taxes. I'm broke but there's food in the fridge.
I'm going to make lilo and I some raisin oatmeal. I can't wait for the summer, farmer markets, the sun, taking lilo to an outdoor pool. Peace, joy, the scent of sunshine...Mmmm...
Good Food Box ( my first order )
1 cantaloupe, 1 stalk of celery
2 heads of brocolli
2 grapefruits, 2 mangoes, 2 lemons
3 red peppers, 3 onions
4 mini cucumbers, 4 tomatoes
5 bananas, 5 lbs carrot bag
8 pears
10 apples, 10 lbs bag of potatoes
11 oranges
Price: $25
Lilo and I have prefer a meditteranean diet.
I've actually developed a strong aversion for chicken and beef. I usually buy my 'flesh' at the Superstore. Beef is really cheap up here, so of course it's the only meat I've was eating for a while. I got tired of it pretty quickly. I dislike chicken. Things that appears often on my plate: coconut milk (in a sauce), raisins, lentils, pecan nuts, fish. I love fish! Salmon especially.
I love this program! It runs once a month and that's kind of unconvenient...but probably is part of the reason why such a huge haul is soo cheap. I'm going to see how long it takes for Lilo and I to go through all of this.
Knowing how our diet is mostly vegetarian, I don't think this whole thing is going to last more than a week and some days to go through. I figured if I have to go to a SE depot in the middle of the month then this is the only way I plan on getting our greens from now on.
It's filled with 3 dresses, one skirt, one shirt and three necklaces. Don't even let me go into how cheap those were.
Because I'm tired, and I've just spent 2 hours on the phone with ND, and an additional 45 minutes with Mitch, trying to convince him to grow up.
I'm addicted to la vie boheme!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Don't leave your children alone with anyone.
Pediatrician Earl Bradley Charged With Molestation of 103 Children
A popular Delaware pediatrician has been indicted by a grand jury that charged him with the molestation of 103 children.
Dr. Earl Bradley is accused of molesting patients as young as 3 months old.
Dr. Earl Bradley, 56, has been held in the Vaughn Correctional Center on a $2.9 million cash bond following his arrest last December. Bradley was initially charged with 33 felony counts, including rape and sexual exploitation of a child, but the number of victims has now more than tripled.
The accusations, in an indictment handed down Monday, stem from incidents that allegedly took place at his Lewes, Del., practice called BayBees Pediatrics where he is accused of videotaping the sex acts while the children's parents waited in another room.
If convicted, Bradley faces a mandatory sentence of life in prison without the possibility of parole.
"I cannot say certain things that I am feeling, and I am feeling a great deal. I am determined to see that this defendant will never, ever be in a position again to hurt another child," Delaware Attorney General Beau Biden said in a statement following the indictment.
The 160-page indictment describes in detail Bradley's alleged behavior between 1998 and 2009. Of the 103 children mentioned in the indictment, only one of them was male.
Among the 471-count indictment includes allegations that Bradley forced children to perform sex acts on him as recently as Dec. 13.
Some of the children were allegedly molested continuously over a series of days or months. One victim was allegedly raped by Bradley from June 2007 until February 2009, and another was molested "continuously" between November 2008 until November 2009.
Biden told ABCNews.com at the time of Bradley's arrest that "this is a very very troubling case, and we here in the state of Delaware are pursuing it aggressively to the fullest extent of the law."
"The thing that makes this case so troubling and horrific is the alleged abuse of trust in this matter," said Biden. "These are highly specialized cases where no one in the community could believe someone could do this to a child, to a child who is voiceless."
Biden said that some of the alleged victims were just months old.
The attorney representing Bradley, Eugene Maurer, did not immediately return messages left by ABCNews.com.
According to court documents obtained by ABCNews.com, the investigation was spurred after a 2-year-old girl told her mother that Bradley had touched her genitals and "hurt her" during a Dec. 7 appointment.
According to the child's mother, who is not named in the court documents, Bradley first examined the toddler in her presence, but then "removed the victim to the basement of the office, where a toy room is located."
The mother told authorities that she permitted her daughter to be alone with Bradley "because of his position as a doctor" and because she "trusted him."
But on the way home from the doctor the mother alleges that her daughter said Bradley had sexually abused her while they were alone in the basement. The girl's father, who had taken to her to a previous appointment with Bradley, also told authorities his daughter had made a similar complaint to him in November.
In 160 pages of disturbing court documents, Bradley is accused of videotaping sexual acts with his young patients and molesting them repeatedly while their parents waited in nearby examination rooms.
Bradley, who had been in the 1,300-person town of Lewes since 1994, is accused of abusing his patients for the past 11 years.
In another room decked out with "The Little Mermaid" paraphernalia, equally horrific abuse allegedly occurred at the hands of Bradley, who investigators said was seen on the tapes muzzling screaming children as they tried to flee the abuse.
Described as a 6-foot, 225-pound man, Bradley allegedly had a "violently enraged expression on his face" as he yelled to a 2-year-old patient to perform sexual acts on him. That particular video was described by the investigating officer in court documents as "one of the most violent and brutal attacks on a child of any age" that he had ever seen.
Late last week, Biden ordered the Delaware Department of Justice to remove all the signs and toys, which Bradley's practice was known for, from the front lawn of the pediatric office.
The community should not be faced with the visual reminder of their pain as they go about their daily lives," l Biden said. "We hope that removing these outward displays promoting Dr. Bradley's practice, including toys, figurines, vehicles, a lighted sign and billboard is a small step in helping the Lewes community begin the healing process."
The removal and storage of items from the Baybees property was completed today. The attorney general initiated this action with the agreement of Bradley's legal counsel.
Source: ABC news
...I am so angry right now i'm literally shaking.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
i held lilo close to me tonight. it was way past bedtime but i didn't seem to be able to let her go. she's the only remains of what i felt i had with mitch...maybe that emptiness i feel inside, sinking past my ribcage, into my guts, is the patch she took to be here, with me.
if i can just stop feeling like I've lost my ability to love and realise that my love has materialized into my Lilo maybe I'll be okay after all.
I just wish i would become a better person. I want to just not feel anything right now.
if i can just stop feeling like I've lost my ability to love and realise that my love has materialized into my Lilo maybe I'll be okay after all.
I just wish i would become a better person. I want to just not feel anything right now.
I'm Upset.
...
And I don't know why he keeps reaching out with pathetic attempts at what exactly? He wants to be friends, he wants to be with Lilo and I...consistence at this point is the only thing I ask of him.
I'm trying to not give a damn. And I don't.
And that's the problem. I feel like an explosion went off inside of me and now my chest cavity is hollow. I'm numb, I can't reciprocate affection very well, I definitely cannot be in a relationship with ND because I just feel this smoking crater where all that love I once had used to just overflow. I'm damaged, beyond repair, it feels. I don't think I want to...I know I don't want to get married again.
He might call it a mistake to hurt me, but if it was a mistake for him it was what I wanted. I loved him and I wanted us to lean on each other and work through everything together. Instead he cheated on me, became paranoid about me cheating on him, became violent, then started ignoring me, went out of his way to make me feel irrelevant, only to start going back and forth about wanting to be with me...and the whole time I'm just hanging on like an idiot, trying to understand what is wrong with him, then I got it.
Wherever there's a will, there's a way. And if you sit in front of me and tell me ten different reasons why you can't do what I'm asking you to do, it's because you don't want to do it.
So I don't get the emailing and facebooking 5-10 times a day, to let me know that he's coming back to calgary...I mean, he's given up on our relationship and doesn't even acknowledge Lilo except of some half-assed question about how she's doing once a month. Oh he'll tell everyone else how he supposedly cares about his daughter, others he doesn't even mention her existence. But that's my ex for you. He's just that kind of stellar human being constantly looking to blame everything but himself for his problems.
I don't know why being morally conscious comes easy to some, and seems like rocket science to others. But seeing the environment those people come from really helps in trying to understand why some people are the way they are. Doesn't justify their behavior, just makes you understand why they hurt you the way they do.
I don't know. I don't see marrying him as a mistake, though he did nothing to further our relationship. I married someone I loved, and now I have a baby I love even more. And if he chose to be miserable instead of enjoying our little miracle, that's his own problem. I loved, it was beautiful and now I just got to get through the pain and hopefully heal.
That's all I want now. Making an effort to mend things with me after going out of his way to make me and his daughter suffer? Using his imaginary and 'diagnosed' illness as a reason to be generally lazy?
If you realize that you are bringing nothing positive to someone's life you have two options: change or gtfo.
If you want to get back with someone, talk less, do more positive, relationship building kind of things. Prove that you mean well.
If you can't find it in yourself to be compassionate, just go away.
If you can't be consistent, don't drag others around 'not' making your mind up. No one (certainly not me) would give a fuq after a while.
Last but not least, if you find love with another person, cherish it. Make sure he's an equal and don't let yourself be fooled by the initial, chemical, pherominical reaction. When I first met Mitch I felt it deep inside of me, that I'd found someone truly special to me. And look at what happened! It's just not ever a good idea to open one's self that way, so keep a piece of your heart for yourself, and give it away only when the object of your affection has proved worthy of it. Because the alternative, which is handing over your whole heart to someone who doesn't take good care of things in his possession ( another big sign that this guy's bad news), the alternative is something I wouldn't wish on a lot of people.
And you know how I am with spewing the malevolence...
I just want to wake up and find this all behind me.
What the hell is wrong with people?
a big, general what the fuck.
I just want to be free of this...dissapointment that doesn't seem to fade away. It's draining the taste out of my mouth, it's seriously dampening my ability to move forward and love again.
And I don't know why he keeps reaching out with pathetic attempts at what exactly? He wants to be friends, he wants to be with Lilo and I...consistence at this point is the only thing I ask of him.
I'm trying to not give a damn. And I don't.
And that's the problem. I feel like an explosion went off inside of me and now my chest cavity is hollow. I'm numb, I can't reciprocate affection very well, I definitely cannot be in a relationship with ND because I just feel this smoking crater where all that love I once had used to just overflow. I'm damaged, beyond repair, it feels. I don't think I want to...I know I don't want to get married again.
He might call it a mistake to hurt me, but if it was a mistake for him it was what I wanted. I loved him and I wanted us to lean on each other and work through everything together. Instead he cheated on me, became paranoid about me cheating on him, became violent, then started ignoring me, went out of his way to make me feel irrelevant, only to start going back and forth about wanting to be with me...and the whole time I'm just hanging on like an idiot, trying to understand what is wrong with him, then I got it.
Wherever there's a will, there's a way. And if you sit in front of me and tell me ten different reasons why you can't do what I'm asking you to do, it's because you don't want to do it.
So I don't get the emailing and facebooking 5-10 times a day, to let me know that he's coming back to calgary...I mean, he's given up on our relationship and doesn't even acknowledge Lilo except of some half-assed question about how she's doing once a month. Oh he'll tell everyone else how he supposedly cares about his daughter, others he doesn't even mention her existence. But that's my ex for you. He's just that kind of stellar human being constantly looking to blame everything but himself for his problems.
I don't know why being morally conscious comes easy to some, and seems like rocket science to others. But seeing the environment those people come from really helps in trying to understand why some people are the way they are. Doesn't justify their behavior, just makes you understand why they hurt you the way they do.
I don't know. I don't see marrying him as a mistake, though he did nothing to further our relationship. I married someone I loved, and now I have a baby I love even more. And if he chose to be miserable instead of enjoying our little miracle, that's his own problem. I loved, it was beautiful and now I just got to get through the pain and hopefully heal.
That's all I want now. Making an effort to mend things with me after going out of his way to make me and his daughter suffer? Using his imaginary and 'diagnosed' illness as a reason to be generally lazy?
If you realize that you are bringing nothing positive to someone's life you have two options: change or gtfo.
If you want to get back with someone, talk less, do more positive, relationship building kind of things. Prove that you mean well.
If you can't find it in yourself to be compassionate, just go away.
If you can't be consistent, don't drag others around 'not' making your mind up. No one (certainly not me) would give a fuq after a while.
Last but not least, if you find love with another person, cherish it. Make sure he's an equal and don't let yourself be fooled by the initial, chemical, pherominical reaction. When I first met Mitch I felt it deep inside of me, that I'd found someone truly special to me. And look at what happened! It's just not ever a good idea to open one's self that way, so keep a piece of your heart for yourself, and give it away only when the object of your affection has proved worthy of it. Because the alternative, which is handing over your whole heart to someone who doesn't take good care of things in his possession ( another big sign that this guy's bad news), the alternative is something I wouldn't wish on a lot of people.
And you know how I am with spewing the malevolence...
I just want to wake up and find this all behind me.
What the hell is wrong with people?
a big, general what the fuck.
I just want to be free of this...dissapointment that doesn't seem to fade away. It's draining the taste out of my mouth, it's seriously dampening my ability to move forward and love again.
Jamiroquai - When You Gonna Learn/ Manu Chao - Bongo Bong
Sounds from my childhood...check out Grungy Little Jay Kay, the guy's a multi-millionaire now. He's probably not one of the first guys to realize that catering to faux-eco trustafarian superficiality pays.
Then again Manu Chao had the same schtick going, and they only resonated with the ethnics, so...that formula's not concrete.
Oh I get it, Jamiroquai had fast, expensive Italian cars and that doesn't compare to 'papa was king of the congo, mama was queen of the mambo'. People are such superficial fucks.
As you can tell, I still haven't gotten over the dissapointment that was the video for 'Cosmic Girl'
GUESS WHAT I EXPECTED: YES. A CHICK FROM OUTER SPACE! A FUNKADELIC VIDEO!!! Not your million-dollar car collection. FUCK YOU!
Of course I had a crush on him. Waste of feelings!
Thriftstore Haul
I remember when I was younger...jeez, old lady, when i was a teenager, my mother used to drag me to the Salvation Army and I would sit for hours waiting for her to pick yet another dozen mismatched plates and I was embarrassed to be at 'the poor people store'.
I don't think it ever arose from any sense of superiority or malevolence...is just that everyone who walked in there always looked so fucking miserable and I would sit there thinking about boys, and wanting to wear jeans that fit me but I couldn't find jeans that fit me cause I was too fat blah, blah, blah....
Also, the idea of wearing previously worn clothes gave me the eebies when I thought of all the bed-bugs, ticks and unsightly cooties just waiting to latch on me if I dared wearing one of those...
Thank God I grew up.
Back then it was all about having access to a priviledged life, but realizing that I was having problems adjusting to the reality of being a minority leaving in a non-minority neighboorhood, going to a mostly white school and looking in the mirror not understanding why I wasn't attractive by everyone's standard...everyone being non-ethnic.
So of course 13 year old me is ashamed that Mom is obsessed with hoarding decorative plates and the place where she usually lands her jackpots is the local thriftstore.
Back then it was all about having access to a priviledged life, but realizing that I was having problems adjusting to the reality of being a minority leaving in a non-minority neighboorhood, going to a mostly white school and looking in the mirror not understanding why I wasn't attractive by everyone's standard...everyone being non-ethnic.
So of course 13 year old me is ashamed that Mom is obsessed with hoarding decorative plates and the place where she usually lands her jackpots is the local thriftstore.
I can't believe how naive I was.
I also can't believe that what they say about girls becoming their mother is true.
I got 4 wooden bowls, a shell necklace, that cute top and a boîte-à-gris-gris for $11. And it's taking all my will power not to just go back and buy a whole buncha duds that are just going to sit in my closet.
It's getting so sunny here...I'm like Quasimodo hiding in my eight floor grotto wondering if I dare go outside am I gonna melt? I wanna go out all the time now. But I'm almost afraid to.
I also jones for a car...but I don't think getting a clunker is a good idea.
Listen: Cee-lo "Getting Grown"
Listen: Cee-lo "Getting Grown"
Yarn extension 2.0
My skin's freaking the fuq out! And my new braid are coming along (I've been braiding for 8-9 days)
ridiculous.
But I've been natural for a year now and unfortunately you can't maintain length with natural black hair unless you have some good genes, or you get dreads. I think dreads are too permanent. And if for 10 years I grow bum-length dread I'm going to want to switch it up. And not being able to change my hair bugs me for a reason.
Something about changing my hair makes me feel like I'm changing myself, inside, as well. You look in the mirror, see someone different from your usual self, you feel different. And that's usually the catalyst I need when I'm feeling down...change your hair, change your perspective.
Right now, my perspective is a little troubled, but I will be okay. Lilo and I are going to be okay. No matter what.
joanna newsom - sprout and the bean
Ever seen an artist doing something and you're like hey, that's how I sing, that's what I was going to do, and then any motivation you might have in doing it is gone because you don't wanna be a copycat?
Though I would have used a kora.
That's how I feel right now.
BTW I's sees the Gunne Sax you're rocking, joanna newsom.
I love those dresses.
I need to make/thrift myself one.
I guess I could afford Violetfolklore but I'll rather patch something up myself. It's more fun that way.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
A Call for A Culling
I'm tired.
Upset.
Knotted up.
Trying to relax, just focus on peaceful thoughts.
Meditate.
I'm also still braiding my hair, and resemble a lion.
My face is getting really oily and breaking out.
My anxiety is returning at the levels at which they used to be when I was younger.
This however, only happens when Lilo's asleep, it seems, for as soon as she's awake I feel a renewed purpose. Her smiles make my fears recede and for that I am even more thankful for having been blessed with such a beautiful, beautiful child. Life just seems so revolting lately, what with me trying to find a job, trying to complete all the paperwork necessary to return to work and it just seems like everywhere I turn I realize that I live in a hostile, unsafe world. I don't trust the dayhome programs they have in this city.
I don't trust that the so-called police background checks they've run are accurate. I don't really trust the police, either. I don't trust that they've done everything to assure me that I'm placing my child in a safe environment. Hell, they haven't even proven to me that I live in a safe place. It's not like in the US where I could see on the internet that X number of sex offenders lived around and about my place, and that wherever I am taking my daughter, whoever I'm trusting her with, is in a good place and has nothing but good intention towards her.
I can no longer stay at home and take care of her, myself, because I am the only one who seems to give a damn about her welfare. My mother, God bless her generous heart, has helped us as long as she possibly could and was able to until I was finally granted the necessary paperwork to be able to return to work and finally be able to provide for myself and my baby.
I'm terrified. To put it simply, I'm terrified that what happened to me as a child could result from my inability to find a safe place for her while I go out to get us a few meager bucks so that we can eat, have shelter and clothes ourself for another month. But I desperately hang on to a waivering faith in God's ability to give a fuck about us human beings...just run around the internet long enough and you might experience the same thing.
I keep asking myself, how the hell is this even possible, how the hell is it that I can't really be sure that I'm about to put my baby in the care of a trustworthy person. I can't take her to work, I can't take care of her I can't do anything. I can't protect her, I can't protect her. The government doesn't give a fuck about her, or you, hell they pass laws that make sure that the same people preying on the innocent can spend short little stints in jail, where they are clothed, housed and fed for free, only to resume and more often than not, resume their 'hunt'.
I remember when I was in Vancouver, there was an article posted on the newspaper, about this violent, psychopathic rapist who had repeatedly offended and had warned his inmates and mental health workers on staff that he had every intentions on reoffending.
" Hey guyz, dis crazy dude is going to be released in our city so make sure you don't piss him off!!!By the way, he's veeery violent, this is what he did, this is what he's capable of, this is his usual taste in victims. Anyways, good luck!!! "
And I'm sitting here, trying to comprehend how the government complains about all the spending they have to do, and cutting funds from education, healthcare, but they not only house and feed sex offenders only to release them on shorter sentences because it costs too much to keep them in.
HOW ABOUT THIS, POINTDEXTER: THESE MOTHERFUCKERS MURDER, RAPE WOMEN AND BABIES AND THEY SUPPOSEDLY CAN'T/WON'T CONTROL THEIR URGES, URGES TO HARM!
THEY WOULD NEVER BE SAFE PRODUCTIVE MEMBERS OF SOCIETY, NOT TO MENTION THE ACTS THEY COMMIT IN ORDER TO GET INCARCERATED IN THE FIRST PLACE ARE TOO HEINOUS TO EVEN THINK ABOUT. SO HERE IS A SOLUTION: IF IT CAN'T ACT LIKE A CIVILIZED HUMAN BEING AND HAS OFFENDED OVER AND OVER AGAIN, IT WOULD NEVER FUCKING ACT LIKE A CIVILIZED HUMAN BEING!!! DO US ALL A FAVOR AND KILL THEM.
If it acts like an animal, incapable of having any moral conscience and behaves like one, seeking to satisfy his hunger and need to violate then he doesn't need to be walking out on the streets. You wouldn't let a hyena roam around downtown Calgary would you? Of course not! It's going to be causing mayhem, hurting people...attack those smaller than itself.
Why then do you keep letting out someone who's incapable of being a productive member of society?
It's driving me crazy.
You want to fucking talk about how the world is overpopulated? Get rid of all the pedophiles and murderers, not only are you going to be able to use the money you take from us tax payers to BENEFIT us tax payers, but you'll be doing a huge favor for those of us able to live our life sanely on this over-crowded floating rock without having to resort to violating others.
What people refuse to understand is that SOMETHING needs to be done about child sexual abuse. But the general public is being lied to, and are themselves often unwilling to face the truth about how widespread this problem is. Of course pedophiles act with impunity. They know they would always be defended by some fuckers who tell themselves that someone able to pin a newborn, infant, child underneath themselves in order to satisfy their lust can be rehabilitated...and it often starts with family members willing to go as far as blaming the victim for the crime being commited against them.
Not to mention, for the love of Fuck this is a Cycle. It starts with the abusers being harmed as a child themselves. If nothing is being done to stop this crime from being committed, that victim would often go on to victimize someone else!
I can't understand something like this happens and people pretend that it doesn't exist. I can't believe this is constantly happening and they're pouring billions of dollars trying to stop people from smoking weed. Come the fuck on! Many have harped on and on about how multipurposed hemp can be, how beneficial weed is to those suffering from PTSD ( like myself ), how much more paper it's able to produce, much more than trees constantly being cut down the answer is right in your faces!
This is unbelievable. No one gives a fuck. I bet you if anything, just like the previous article I posted, child-fuckers themselves are sitting in the courts handing out sentences to people like themselves, that they want to protect. They are writing laws that allow those people to return to their selfishness in no time, and who elects those folk in power? You do.
Not I cause I can't vote yet. But I can assure you that when I do, I'm going to give a fuck about whoever I'm voting for, and unlike most canadians who give more of a fuck about american politics than their own, I'm going to make sure that the person being elected is someone that has the interest of children everywhere in this ignorant country at heart. And I don't give a fuck if I'm just one person and I can't do shit. The whole country could make sure that Canada is once again a place where a mother can leave her child in daycare and rest assured that he/she would be safe but they're not doing it.
What is it, 1 in 4 girls are sexually molested, or experience some form of sexual abuse here in canada? The posters on the bus...you must have noticed this campaign last summer. Do you realize that could very well mean, if you take the average number of children per family...lets not mention the number of extended family member who are also in danger of being victimized...think of the number of perpretrators committing these crimes...every family has that uncle no one wants to leave the kids alone with but FOR SOME REASON he's still allowed to be a member of the family. That one. How many families are there in canada?
Are you scared yet?
Upset.
Knotted up.
Trying to relax, just focus on peaceful thoughts.
Meditate.
I'm also still braiding my hair, and resemble a lion.
My face is getting really oily and breaking out.
My anxiety is returning at the levels at which they used to be when I was younger.
This however, only happens when Lilo's asleep, it seems, for as soon as she's awake I feel a renewed purpose. Her smiles make my fears recede and for that I am even more thankful for having been blessed with such a beautiful, beautiful child. Life just seems so revolting lately, what with me trying to find a job, trying to complete all the paperwork necessary to return to work and it just seems like everywhere I turn I realize that I live in a hostile, unsafe world. I don't trust the dayhome programs they have in this city.
I don't trust that the so-called police background checks they've run are accurate. I don't really trust the police, either. I don't trust that they've done everything to assure me that I'm placing my child in a safe environment. Hell, they haven't even proven to me that I live in a safe place. It's not like in the US where I could see on the internet that X number of sex offenders lived around and about my place, and that wherever I am taking my daughter, whoever I'm trusting her with, is in a good place and has nothing but good intention towards her.
I can no longer stay at home and take care of her, myself, because I am the only one who seems to give a damn about her welfare. My mother, God bless her generous heart, has helped us as long as she possibly could and was able to until I was finally granted the necessary paperwork to be able to return to work and finally be able to provide for myself and my baby.
I'm terrified. To put it simply, I'm terrified that what happened to me as a child could result from my inability to find a safe place for her while I go out to get us a few meager bucks so that we can eat, have shelter and clothes ourself for another month. But I desperately hang on to a waivering faith in God's ability to give a fuck about us human beings...just run around the internet long enough and you might experience the same thing.
I keep asking myself, how the hell is this even possible, how the hell is it that I can't really be sure that I'm about to put my baby in the care of a trustworthy person. I can't take her to work, I can't take care of her I can't do anything. I can't protect her, I can't protect her. The government doesn't give a fuck about her, or you, hell they pass laws that make sure that the same people preying on the innocent can spend short little stints in jail, where they are clothed, housed and fed for free, only to resume and more often than not, resume their 'hunt'.
I remember when I was in Vancouver, there was an article posted on the newspaper, about this violent, psychopathic rapist who had repeatedly offended and had warned his inmates and mental health workers on staff that he had every intentions on reoffending.
" Hey guyz, dis crazy dude is going to be released in our city so make sure you don't piss him off!!!By the way, he's veeery violent, this is what he did, this is what he's capable of, this is his usual taste in victims. Anyways, good luck!!! "
And I'm sitting here, trying to comprehend how the government complains about all the spending they have to do, and cutting funds from education, healthcare, but they not only house and feed sex offenders only to release them on shorter sentences because it costs too much to keep them in.
HOW ABOUT THIS, POINTDEXTER: THESE MOTHERFUCKERS MURDER, RAPE WOMEN AND BABIES AND THEY SUPPOSEDLY CAN'T/WON'T CONTROL THEIR URGES, URGES TO HARM!
THEY WOULD NEVER BE SAFE PRODUCTIVE MEMBERS OF SOCIETY, NOT TO MENTION THE ACTS THEY COMMIT IN ORDER TO GET INCARCERATED IN THE FIRST PLACE ARE TOO HEINOUS TO EVEN THINK ABOUT. SO HERE IS A SOLUTION: IF IT CAN'T ACT LIKE A CIVILIZED HUMAN BEING AND HAS OFFENDED OVER AND OVER AGAIN, IT WOULD NEVER FUCKING ACT LIKE A CIVILIZED HUMAN BEING!!! DO US ALL A FAVOR AND KILL THEM.
If it acts like an animal, incapable of having any moral conscience and behaves like one, seeking to satisfy his hunger and need to violate then he doesn't need to be walking out on the streets. You wouldn't let a hyena roam around downtown Calgary would you? Of course not! It's going to be causing mayhem, hurting people...attack those smaller than itself.
Why then do you keep letting out someone who's incapable of being a productive member of society?
It's driving me crazy.
You want to fucking talk about how the world is overpopulated? Get rid of all the pedophiles and murderers, not only are you going to be able to use the money you take from us tax payers to BENEFIT us tax payers, but you'll be doing a huge favor for those of us able to live our life sanely on this over-crowded floating rock without having to resort to violating others.
What people refuse to understand is that SOMETHING needs to be done about child sexual abuse. But the general public is being lied to, and are themselves often unwilling to face the truth about how widespread this problem is. Of course pedophiles act with impunity. They know they would always be defended by some fuckers who tell themselves that someone able to pin a newborn, infant, child underneath themselves in order to satisfy their lust can be rehabilitated...and it often starts with family members willing to go as far as blaming the victim for the crime being commited against them.
Not to mention, for the love of Fuck this is a Cycle. It starts with the abusers being harmed as a child themselves. If nothing is being done to stop this crime from being committed, that victim would often go on to victimize someone else!
I can't understand something like this happens and people pretend that it doesn't exist. I can't believe this is constantly happening and they're pouring billions of dollars trying to stop people from smoking weed. Come the fuck on! Many have harped on and on about how multipurposed hemp can be, how beneficial weed is to those suffering from PTSD ( like myself ), how much more paper it's able to produce, much more than trees constantly being cut down the answer is right in your faces!
This is unbelievable. No one gives a fuck. I bet you if anything, just like the previous article I posted, child-fuckers themselves are sitting in the courts handing out sentences to people like themselves, that they want to protect. They are writing laws that allow those people to return to their selfishness in no time, and who elects those folk in power? You do.
Not I cause I can't vote yet. But I can assure you that when I do, I'm going to give a fuck about whoever I'm voting for, and unlike most canadians who give more of a fuck about american politics than their own, I'm going to make sure that the person being elected is someone that has the interest of children everywhere in this ignorant country at heart. And I don't give a fuck if I'm just one person and I can't do shit. The whole country could make sure that Canada is once again a place where a mother can leave her child in daycare and rest assured that he/she would be safe but they're not doing it.
What is it, 1 in 4 girls are sexually molested, or experience some form of sexual abuse here in canada? The posters on the bus...you must have noticed this campaign last summer. Do you realize that could very well mean, if you take the average number of children per family...lets not mention the number of extended family member who are also in danger of being victimized...think of the number of perpretrators committing these crimes...every family has that uncle no one wants to leave the kids alone with but FOR SOME REASON he's still allowed to be a member of the family. That one. How many families are there in canada?
Are you scared yet?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Oh man I feel like I have a hangover.
not to mention, I've started braiding my hair again. I hate the color I picked out. I have to go run errands but I don't feel like going outside...eek.
Here's to feeling like shit. Though it's quite sunny outside. I might go run those errands, actually. Maybe getting outside is a good idea.
not to mention, I've started braiding my hair again. I hate the color I picked out. I have to go run errands but I don't feel like going outside...eek.
Here's to feeling like shit. Though it's quite sunny outside. I might go run those errands, actually. Maybe getting outside is a good idea.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Tricky - Hollow
It's funny how intoxicating the illusion of love can be. Why hunt down any other drug when there's this barely contained supernova that can occur between two human beings touching feeling invading each other's space. And when that's gone, when it flakes away like crusty old paint flying off a wall it's the most painful thing one has to bear.
I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life in mourning. The tears, when I can't hold them back, they just pour out of my eyes, and my eyes are like a tap I can't stop and it drips it pours and I lose everything.
And it felt like something inside of me broke. Perhaps it was the wall I've encased my heart in these past few months, just needing to protect myself from any deceptive feelings, trying to get away, escape the sinking ship that was us.
He called me tonight...and the phone call ended with him asking me to move back to Kelowna and me screaming 'FUCK YOU' then I hung up.
I understand that different people understand reality in different contexts. And the end of it is, the way I experienced our relationship in an unhealthy and painful manner. But he seems to not be able to relate to it. The pain that is. And that is why I won't allow him to be a major part of our lives. I can't put myself through that torture.
He experiences life with his head stuck in the sand, like an ostrich. And while he blindly ignores Lilo and I's discomfort, he expect far more than he deserves from me.
What I expect, is for us to have the same understanding, because that's what led me to believe in the first place that what we had was something out of the ordinary. We used to be so in sync, so in tune with each other's feelings we would finish each other's sentences. We would unwittingly wear the same clothes. But it seems since that time my awareness has multiplied, while he seemed to de-evolve.
And when he asks me to 'try to get along with his mother' blatantly ignoring that it was his mother who instigated this toxic atmosphere, it makes me sick.And that's where my anger burns bright. For him to want me to crawl back in the box with him, for him to expect me to dumb myself down for him is the biggest insult.
I cannot abide with his complete disregard for the pain that he not only inflicts on me, but the constant annoyance from his relatives.
I wish I didn't hurt anymore. I wish I didn't feel this primal scream inside my guts, building up and coming out in short, angry spurts whenever he opens his mouth and spews that insensitive, inconsiderate bullshit. I wish I could tell him:
See, you and me, we're like Tricky and Martina, "chalk and cheese" and for a while it burned so bright, it was beautiful, but now there's nothing left, not even a friendship. And that kills me but they tell me it's life, that's the bitter pill that is life. I would have dropped everything over and over again had I known you was a hundred percent loyal to me. I would have hung on to you because I loved you past tense. I loved you past tense.
If I could just tell him that...I don`t know...maybe then I would be free...because I don't know if I can love anyone again. Maybe then I would be able to move on with ND. I feel like the pain isn't letting me be whole again. Fuuuuuuuuuck, I feel so fucking empty. I try to deny it but it still hurts now as if it happened yesterday.
I can't do this again. I can't fall in love again if it means risking going through something like this again.
Elvis, my Elvis
I almost had to give my girl up when moving in with ND was a...possibility, since he has a cat, and other pets mere presence makes her quite upset. But nope. That's not gonna happen. So the pussy stays with me. And while I was mad at her for a while ( she was being a bitch ) I love my kitty.
You see that on top of the books, yeah. That's the pan-flute. We're still getting used to each other. I hope I can learn to play it beautifully.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Closure
Letter to Mitch I wrote to explain why I have decided to stop answering his calls:
Detached? Yes. But I think I've done everything to try to not only mend our relationship but also to encourage a bond between him and Lilo. And I just don't know what's going through his mind, but I can say, this whole relationship, his actions have spoken louder than his words. So it's time for Lilo and I to just be healthy and happy. With the exception of his aunt, no more of his toxic, Mammon worshipping family.
And for those who would wonder why I would expose all of this, well it seems that most of the people in his family have a complete inability to tell the truth. Must be a genetic disorder. They're the two-faced kind and I'm just tired of having them backtrack on everything they say in my vicinity or behind my back. I've even taken to extreme measures to have backups of everything they say or do because they've so far denied doing anything to harm Lilo and I. Besides, I want to be able to read all of this one day and laugh.
Because it would be so far behind me, and I would be too busy watching Lilo blossom into a healthy, beautiful little girl to remember all this bullshit. I don't know what I'm going to tell her about her dad. I don't think I really want to mention him, but I hope she reads this when she's eighteen. The saga behind her birth...oooh...epic. It would be the stuff of family folklore. I hope I live to be the old grandma who keeps everyone morally in check. I hope by them a little more wisdom would have been bestowed on me. Any deadbeat-dad grandson of mine would have me showing up at his door with said baby in one arm and a can of woop-ass in the other!
Same goes for grand-daughters.
Youtube Madea. That'll be me. Along with my glaucoma medecine.
Mitch, I haven't been answering your calls because I have come to the realisation that in order to find myself in a healthier place emotionally, I can no longer allow you to lead me on. I've come to the decision that this is what is best for me and Lilo, since you have made no apparent effort to come back to Calgary and begin to work on building a relationship with your daughter.
It is mine (and my mother's) assumption that since we've tried to speak to you about your emotional troubles, and have encouraged for you to have a relationship with Lilo, we have done everything we could to include you not only in our family, but also in Lilo's life and I have tried, repeatedly to mend the relationship that you and I had. So, it is with great dissapointment that I have come to the decision of ending all contact with you.
My family and I strongly believe that the environment you and your family fosters is unhealthy for both Lilo and I, and other than the time you've contributed the five hundred dollars a week back and were helping out when you worked at the goodwill, you have made no effort to take care of Lilo, and short of your false statements about returning to live in calgary, you have shown no empathy for the plight that Lilo and I experience, living out here. Furthermore, you've sat by and done nothing while your family repeatedly encroached the boundaries of our relationship and have done nothing to stop them from harming both your daughter and I.
I would resort to going through the courts to obtain funds to help me take care of my child. Any attempts you and your family make to try to poison my daughter and I's life I would fight. Aside from your court appointed visitation, no member of your family is allowed to come anywhere near my daughter since you have proved, in the past, to have no regards for her well-being. I have provided the courts with enough information about the events in the past couple of years to ensure that your family would in no way be able to harm my daughter. In the next month you should receive documents from my lawyer concerning the parenting order I have filed. In the future, depending on whether or not my partner, whoever that might be, choses to adopt Lilo I would strongly suggest you consider giving up your parental rights, since you have made no effort to be her father.
Detached? Yes. But I think I've done everything to try to not only mend our relationship but also to encourage a bond between him and Lilo. And I just don't know what's going through his mind, but I can say, this whole relationship, his actions have spoken louder than his words. So it's time for Lilo and I to just be healthy and happy. With the exception of his aunt, no more of his toxic, Mammon worshipping family.
And for those who would wonder why I would expose all of this, well it seems that most of the people in his family have a complete inability to tell the truth. Must be a genetic disorder. They're the two-faced kind and I'm just tired of having them backtrack on everything they say in my vicinity or behind my back. I've even taken to extreme measures to have backups of everything they say or do because they've so far denied doing anything to harm Lilo and I. Besides, I want to be able to read all of this one day and laugh.
Because it would be so far behind me, and I would be too busy watching Lilo blossom into a healthy, beautiful little girl to remember all this bullshit. I don't know what I'm going to tell her about her dad. I don't think I really want to mention him, but I hope she reads this when she's eighteen. The saga behind her birth...oooh...epic. It would be the stuff of family folklore. I hope I live to be the old grandma who keeps everyone morally in check. I hope by them a little more wisdom would have been bestowed on me. Any deadbeat-dad grandson of mine would have me showing up at his door with said baby in one arm and a can of woop-ass in the other!
Same goes for grand-daughters.
Youtube Madea. That'll be me. Along with my glaucoma medecine.
Flying Lotus - Robertaflack (Martyn´s Heart Beat Mix)
Turn up the bass for this one. This is the man responsable for those cool bumps on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim: Flying Lotus, Flying Lotus...I want to have his babies, he's that good! He's worked with Daedelus too, who's my pan-ultimate ninth level of heaven favorite musical act...ever. The two of them together, is like sex in my ear canal.
Yeah.
That Good.
Nina Paley, Nina Paley, Nina Paley!
I had it up on my page as a sidebar widget, then I posted a couple of pictures with my daughter and I just didn't feel too good about having a raving mad lunatic depicted holding a severed penis next to her...but then I though: actually let that stay there as a warning...hell this isn't your plain bread mommy-raising-baby blog. I'm not your average mommy and if I was half as crazy as most folk think I would raised my daughter to be a man hating harpy...like me. The only thing I'm planning on doing is imparting enough wisdom and moral values in her to give her the tools to live as virteous a life as she can...and I don't mean that in terms of prudeness.
That's not my goal.
And I don't hate all men, just most. I love my dad! I think he's one of a kind. I don't mind ND. He's okay (and probably wouldn't like me saying that, which is why I'm saying it). Generally, though, I say who needs men! Fuck 'em!
I'm going to say right now, I'm probably the only parent out there who wishes their child would turn out gay, because I just don't know how I would feel about a son in law in the future. I might put something in his food. Laxative. Don't think Lilo would like her prom date when he's exploding out of his tuxedo bottoms. She's probably gonna wonder why all her boyfriends run screaming in the other direction when they see me. As a single mom, I have to assume both the role of mother and protector, provider and nurturer, and given my lack of funds, I'm going to be more dad than mom, so I gotta say, judging by my experience with men, I can't say I would give anyone a fair chance.As far as I'm concerned, no one's good enough for my baby. Lilo, however, is already showing signs to be just as determined as I am, if not more. And I can already envision the epic battles we might have during her teenage hood. I want her to be her own person, to make her own decisions. The best I can do as a parent is to give her the tools to make decisions that would benefit her and would not harm others.
Either way, I have developed an uncanny ability to smell the skank off men. Practice makes perfect. And if I don't like a potential suitor I...would not be pleased. Don't think I'm going to turn into my ex's mom! I would never ever do to my child what she did to hers. I can see how this mentality seems to parallell with the insanity going on in her mind. But I don't know! I don't think Lilo's gonna be allowed to date until she's 19!
Back to Nina Paley! She's famous for having made the first cameraless Imax film, and that is how I first heard of her, during one of my film history lectures at Emily Carr. One thing you might recognize her for is Sita Sings the Blues, one of my all time favorite animations. Apparently she dropped everything to flow to India to be with her husband, only to find out that he wanted a divorce, heartbreak ensues, and from the ashes of her burned heart a lovely flower blossomed: Inspiration.Tadah!
Sita Sings the Blues is born, she apparently made that by herself with little to no help and now she's famous!
See!
Good things come from divorce. And publicly shaming those who've broken your heart. The only thing I'm not fond about is that she seems to be one of those child-free nutso, who don't seem to remember that they were birthed by breeders. I wonder if any of them ever think about the wonderful life they wouldn't have had their parents been just like them.
Though, with all the abuses perpetuated on children on this planet, I can understand how anyone would abstain from becoming a parent. When I realised I'd become pregnant with Lilo, Mitch abandoned me in Vancouver. And you would have thought then that should have been a sign that he was going to be a phenominal waste of time, but I was in love...stupid me... Either ways, I remember the sexual abuse I endured as a child and I panicked, panicked, was almost suicidal, I was thinking there is no way I can bring a child into this world alone. But I then realised that I just could not bear the thought of not having her.
That being said, I'm pro-life. And I've utilized that right once before.
Jeez, where did this post go? I guess my mind's been wondering for the past few days. I can't seem to focus on anything, I've got so much to do, or say...well, thank god I have access to the internet again.
LOL. Nina Paley is awesome. And I've got some work to do.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Cocci and LeeLoo Go Swimming
Which explains a bit why rent is so steep but it's been loads of fun for Lilo. She's fearless, as far as jumping in is concerned (much to my dismay) and up till the beginning of winter I've been very good at getting her in the water. Alas, now it's cold and I'm usually up in the apart. because I can't take her to any indoor playhouses...I'm broke. I sometimes take her to the mall. I'm always outside pushing her in the stroller, going to run errands and that's been her only source of excitment, really.
Half of me wishes I could spoil her with all these materialistic things but I know those would only turn her into the demanding children I see out and about now a days, and those of course turn into self-absorbed teenagers who grow up to be
No. I like teaching her things.
Thing is, she's still just sixteen months old, and I can't teach her how to sew or knit just yet. Damn, I made her cardboard letters the size of her head so we can get started on our ABCs and she's been EATING THEM~!
My girl...is still a baby. So I'll keep the philosophical conversations for when she's five, now, I just take her
I know, 
We had a crapload of fun though.
I love my girl.
Having her by my side have made these past couple of years worth the trouble.
Exhausted
Wheeew...
The motherboard on my laptop is kapput! $400 to repair it, for a laptop that cost $2000 in 2005, I don't have that kind of money. I don't have anything period.
Babydaddy ain't shit, he wanna give that baby back
Speaking of him he showed up in town a couple of weeks back.
Things got so stressfull between me and N.D so I broke up with him.
Mitch shows up with his madre and I'm like no. You guys show up in town don't mean nothing good for me so I don't wanna see yah together. Mitch, you can come and see your daughter, keep that abomination you call a mother away from me and we're gonna be good.
But does he ever listen to me, no. Comes up with a bullshit excuse about buying me car insurance, but when I see the piece of paper he brings over, only his name's on it. I don't see mine anywhere. And I'm like "why the fuck would you make a huge brouhaha(noise) about getting car insurance on the car when you only got it under your name. He's clueless as usual. I figured the meeting at the insurance place went the way every important meeting concerning him goes: He was staring at nothing, thinking about nothing while his mother did the transaction.
He did the same when she, without his 'knowledge', placed a power of attorney on his bank account a few years back. But is he ever aware of important shit that concerns him? No.
See, he doesn't want to grow up. And he never will.
Either ways I'm go, "well, if my name is not on the insurance, then what are we even doing business for? Don't waste my fucking time" his mom is in the background while we're on the phone and she says something about us going to the insurance place and I tell Mitch "My business isn't with your mother. It's with you. The car is under your name so I'm only going to deal with you." She of course, is trying to orchestrate this whole thing to catch a glimpse of Lilo and I'm like, that's not going to happen. She gets on the phone and threatens me with 'legal action if you won't let me see her'.
Oooooh...motherfucker...I almost got in a cab just to go get me an assault charge. Trying to 'bribe' me with car insurance is not the way to go about trying to see her.
And really no, you don't get to see the child you tried to get rid off, the same child you said you weren't going to help since your son was your only concern, the child you tried to coerce me into giving up for adoption, getting your son to facebook me about it, no, see she's so used to dealing with retards she thinks she can sway me by waving money in my face, since that's the way anyone communicates in that family. It's all about control, coercion, emotional manipulation and a whole lot of bribing.
It's really too bad that money's never meant much to me. Or clearly I would be speaking a different language.
Oh I got mad.
And I would say it here, if I lose my temper anywhere near her, she'll have another reason to resort to plastic surgery, though some swelling might do good to that plastic looking thing she calls a nose.
I got mad...Not as mad as her sister was when she almost kicked her ass the next day though...lol...
That's another story.
He took the car, the car he already sold to me and sold it. Which wasn't any problem to me, because I haven't been using it since the insurance I paid for expired last September. It was sitting in the garage, gathering dust, and I had to pay $60 a month to keep it there. But I guess his mom felt she was hurting me by taking that piece of shit away. And that's the thing about negative people: They lash out at you, not even realizing that by removing anything from you that had to do with them, they're actually doing you a favor, since the less you have to do with their toxicity, the better your life would be. And that's the way you always have to look at it.
Yesterday was an extra busy day for me. I had a meeting with my lawyer, informed him of the recent run in with the ex, of his mother's threat ( which he reassured me, is baseless, since they've already showed their elicist, prejudiced colors, the court arent going to let her near my daughter ), TRIED TO FILE MY TAXES, ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT I HAD TO FILE FROM 2005-AND CHANGE MY SIN...had a job interview at the yoga place...
Didn't I tell you? I have no money. I have to go back to work.
No more long days spent taking care of my child, no I have to go out and work, because her father is too busy sitting at his parents house doing nothing. Twenty five years old.
Either ways, my mother and I agree that Mitch is old news. We have talked to him. She has spoken to Mitch more than she has to my own older brother, who himself is mentally ill. We accepted Mitch into our family and we offered him advice on how to take charge of himself, how to deal with his fears, we've tried to ease those fears, I've listened to Mitch's bullshit for years, myself. And he's all about telling you what you want to hear but when it comes time for him to walk his talk?
Yeah. I'll be a old broad before that man ever gets his shit together. But as of now, he is no longer any of my concern. And it's been a long time for me to get to this point, and each time I say this, it's like an affirmation.
I've, however, come to the point where I don't even feel pity for him anymore. He's made his bed, he's gotta sleep in it.
The yoga place is under construction, and the lady who seems to run it is only offering a very very part-time position.
My mom thinks that I should go back to school, yet I'm supposed to afford taking care of Lilo. I've told her as best as I can that I do not see myself in a corporate job, nor am I interested in having a 'career'.
People are sheep. They are constantly fed this bullshit lifegoals that have them feeding into the machine that we're trapped in today: Go to highschool so that you can take student loans and enter a lifetime of debt. Student loans, mortgages, credit cards, corporate tiny box cubicle, office clothes, boring, soul stiffling living.
No. Not for me. If refusing to hold an office job so that I can see more of my daughter when she grows up is a crime? So be it. I don't care if I'm starving, as long as she's not. I don't care if we live in this apartment building for the rest of our lives as long as we get to have a relationship. I'm willing to make enough to feed and clothes her. We live in Canada, where the cops and the government run pedophile rings, but thank goddess they try to keep the public oblivious to what goes on with tax benefits!
I'm tired. Imagine pushing a huge stroller through all that snow. Goddamn. The plus-side: I'm toning up. Poor and fit? Yes I am.
The motherboard on my laptop is kapput! $400 to repair it, for a laptop that cost $2000 in 2005, I don't have that kind of money. I don't have anything period.
Babydaddy ain't shit, he wanna give that baby back
Speaking of him he showed up in town a couple of weeks back.
Things got so stressfull between me and N.D so I broke up with him.
Mitch shows up with his madre and I'm like no. You guys show up in town don't mean nothing good for me so I don't wanna see yah together. Mitch, you can come and see your daughter, keep that abomination you call a mother away from me and we're gonna be good.
But does he ever listen to me, no. Comes up with a bullshit excuse about buying me car insurance, but when I see the piece of paper he brings over, only his name's on it. I don't see mine anywhere. And I'm like "why the fuck would you make a huge brouhaha(noise) about getting car insurance on the car when you only got it under your name. He's clueless as usual. I figured the meeting at the insurance place went the way every important meeting concerning him goes: He was staring at nothing, thinking about nothing while his mother did the transaction.
He did the same when she, without his 'knowledge', placed a power of attorney on his bank account a few years back. But is he ever aware of important shit that concerns him? No.
See, he doesn't want to grow up. And he never will.
Either ways I'm go, "well, if my name is not on the insurance, then what are we even doing business for? Don't waste my fucking time" his mom is in the background while we're on the phone and she says something about us going to the insurance place and I tell Mitch "My business isn't with your mother. It's with you. The car is under your name so I'm only going to deal with you." She of course, is trying to orchestrate this whole thing to catch a glimpse of Lilo and I'm like, that's not going to happen. She gets on the phone and threatens me with 'legal action if you won't let me see her'.
And really no, you don't get to see the child you tried to get rid off, the same child you said you weren't going to help since your son was your only concern, the child you tried to coerce me into giving up for adoption, getting your son to facebook me about it, no, see she's so used to dealing with retards she thinks she can sway me by waving money in my face, since that's the way anyone communicates in that family. It's all about control, coercion, emotional manipulation and a whole lot of bribing.
It's really too bad that money's never meant much to me. Or clearly I would be speaking a different language.
Oh I got mad.
I got mad...Not as mad as her sister was when she almost kicked her ass the next day though...lol...
That's another story.
He took the car, the car he already sold to me and sold it. Which wasn't any problem to me, because I haven't been using it since the insurance I paid for expired last September. It was sitting in the garage, gathering dust, and I had to pay $60 a month to keep it there. But I guess his mom felt she was hurting me by taking that piece of shit away. And that's the thing about negative people: They lash out at you, not even realizing that by removing anything from you that had to do with them, they're actually doing you a favor, since the less you have to do with their toxicity, the better your life would be. And that's the way you always have to look at it.
Yesterday was an extra busy day for me. I had a meeting with my lawyer, informed him of the recent run in with the ex, of his mother's threat ( which he reassured me, is baseless, since they've already showed their elicist, prejudiced colors, the court arent going to let her near my daughter ), TRIED TO FILE MY TAXES, ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT I HAD TO FILE FROM 2005-AND CHANGE MY SIN...had a job interview at the yoga place...
Didn't I tell you? I have no money. I have to go back to work.
No more long days spent taking care of my child, no I have to go out and work, because her father is too busy sitting at his parents house doing nothing. Twenty five years old.
Either ways, my mother and I agree that Mitch is old news. We have talked to him. She has spoken to Mitch more than she has to my own older brother, who himself is mentally ill. We accepted Mitch into our family and we offered him advice on how to take charge of himself, how to deal with his fears, we've tried to ease those fears, I've listened to Mitch's bullshit for years, myself. And he's all about telling you what you want to hear but when it comes time for him to walk his talk?
Yeah. I'll be a old broad before that man ever gets his shit together. But as of now, he is no longer any of my concern. And it's been a long time for me to get to this point, and each time I say this, it's like an affirmation.
I've, however, come to the point where I don't even feel pity for him anymore. He's made his bed, he's gotta sleep in it.
The yoga place is under construction, and the lady who seems to run it is only offering a very very part-time position.
My mom thinks that I should go back to school, yet I'm supposed to afford taking care of Lilo. I've told her as best as I can that I do not see myself in a corporate job, nor am I interested in having a 'career'.
People are sheep. They are constantly fed this bullshit lifegoals that have them feeding into the machine that we're trapped in today: Go to highschool so that you can take student loans and enter a lifetime of debt. Student loans, mortgages, credit cards, corporate tiny box cubicle, office clothes, boring, soul stiffling living.
No. Not for me. If refusing to hold an office job so that I can see more of my daughter when she grows up is a crime? So be it. I don't care if I'm starving, as long as she's not. I don't care if we live in this apartment building for the rest of our lives as long as we get to have a relationship. I'm willing to make enough to feed and clothes her. We live in Canada, where the cops and the government run pedophile rings, but thank goddess they try to keep the public oblivious to what goes on with tax benefits!
I'm tired. Imagine pushing a huge stroller through all that snow. Goddamn. The plus-side: I'm toning up. Poor and fit? Yes I am.
Child Trafficking and Pedophilia in British Columbia
Given that authoritarian hierarchies, such as those found in the corporate and governmental spheres, tend to attract psychopathic and narcissistic personalities, given that many (most) in authority hold those beneath them in utter contempt, given that their life's “work” consists in bullying and exploiting those weaker than themselves, a tendency toward pedophilia should come as no shock. Indeed, one ought to be surprised if the wealthy and powerful did not have this tendency.
Child Trafficking in Beautiful British Columbia
By Kevin Annett
A 1998 report by UNESCO on International Child Trafficking names Vancouver as one of three major centers for child prostitution in the world, along with Bangkok and Rotterdam.
In the early hours of October 14, 2000, an aboriginal reporter named Noel watches as two children no older than eight are loaded into a stretch limousine on the Squamish Indian reserve and driven to the back door of the Vancouver Club. Noel waits for hours, and when the children emerge, he tries to speak to them, but is assaulted from behind and his tape recorder disappears.
In the fall of 2001, an investigator named Rob Nicholson publishes a book entitled “Stolen Innocence”, in which he documents extensive child trafficking and pornography by social workers, lawyers and policemen connected to the Ministry of Children and Families (MCF). Nicholson proves that the MCF continually places foster children in homes of known and even convicted pedophiles.
On March 12, 2006, a woman named Annie Parker tells the author that she had been abducted by Vancouver policemen and used in something called “The Hooker Game”, in which both women and children are drugged and filmed while being sexually assaulted and sometimes even killed.
A war of terror on the innocent is going on as you read this, not far from your home, under the trendy façade of Vancouver’s happy image. Yet it is a war hidden from most people, and nowhere to be seen in the consciousness and agendas of “progressive” minded people in Vancouver.
Carol Martin is an aboriginal woman who works as a crisis counselor at the Downtown Eastside Women’s Centre in Vancouver . To her, the abduction and trafficking in children is just an extension of what her people have been suffering for centuries.
“More of our children are being taken from us every day, and put in white foster homes where the abuse is just as bad as it ever was in residential schools. Every day we hear cases of the government placing little kids in homes of pedophiles and abusers. Nothing’s ever done about it. And even our own kids are being criminalized by the system at a young age, to give cops the excuse they need later to pick them up and abuse them. That’s all got a name: genocide.”
Rudy James is a Tlingit native elder from Alaska who helped preside at the first independent Tribunal into Indian residential schools, held in Vancouver in June of 1998. At this event, Rudy heard first-hand testimonies from survivors of child trafficking in B.C.
“I was shocked when I heard how widespread the child trafficking is in many of the northern Indian villages” Rudy described shortly after the Tribunal.
“We had two separate groups of Indians tell us that their chiefs and councilmen at two villages near Bella Bella and Powell River were actively trafficking local children to wealthy Americans and Canadian military personnel. This was happening apparently with the full knowledge of the local RCMP detachment in both towns, and in one case, even clergymen from the United Church were involved.”
The word on the street is even more explicit. Marion is a middle aged sex trade worker who is a veteran of “the stroll” along east Hastings street , where disappearances are a common occurrence. For years, she has watched as children are procured according to a well-organized and protected system involving wealthy predators.
“The going rate for a young child is $1500 these days. Foreign tourists will ask for a young virgin, of either sex, and the younger the age, the more they’re willing to pay. It’s watched over by the Vancouver cops, who get a cut. But it’s run by an international network; Vancouver ’s just one spoke in the wheel. I hear it’s got a direct tie to Thailand and the child sex trade there.”
Don’t expect any police or legal intervention to stem or even investigate such child abuse and trafficking in B.C. According to Rob Nicholson, the Attorney General’s office is itself implicated in this organized pedophilia.
“In the case of two convicted pedophiles, a Dr. Gossage and a Mr. Benest, a school Principal, the B.C. Attorney General’s office through a special prosecutor, Peter Leask, protected these child rapists and ensured that compliant judges imposed a media ban to protect their identities and reputations. Leask had also served as the attorney for Gossage. Such direct collusion between pedophiles and the government has gone unchallenged.” (August 2002)
According to a retired RCMP special investigator in Vancouver who requests anonymity, child pornography and trafficking is continually on the rise because of judicial toleration of violence against children, as indicated by constantly minimal prison sentences for convicted child sex offenders. To quote the RCMP official, “The
With the approach of the Olympics and the influx of wealthy tourists into Vancouver, the trafficking in children will only increase. According to Carol Martin, “We’re not only going to see 5000 people made homeless by the Olympics, but a lot more women and kids disappear. Whenever the tourists show up, our people go missing.”
What is to be done?
In a culture like ours, where people are commodities and children are traditionally seen to be originally sinful, child abuse cannot help but be endemic. But what is less obvious is the fact that pedophilia in Canada is actually being organized and protected by the very institutions of state and church that pose as protectors of children.
The Catholic, Anglican and United Church of Canada, for instance, have been legally absolved by the government of any wrongdoing for the torture and death of more than 50,000 children in their Indian residential schools: a travesty of justice that nevertheless has proceeded without protest or comment from most Canadians.
Such mass indifference to a crime against humanity in our midst is more than telling. For one wonders how child prostitution, trafficking and murder can ever be eradicated from our midst when the foxes are still in charge of the chicken coop; and while the right of adults and institutions to violate and destroy innocence continues to go unchallenged and unpunished.
A Cowichan native on Vancouver Island whom I’ve known for years once told me that, before the coming of the whites, his people had a simple way to deal with anyone who harmed a child in their village.
“A group of warriors assigned to the job would take the offender out into the forest, and you’d never see him again. For us, our children were sacred, and we had a zero toleration for whatever might harm them: because we knew that if the next generation was crippled, our people had no future.”
Perhaps it’s time for such simple tribal wisdom to prevail in "Beautiful British Columbia", where men with money and power continue to run amok over the lives of the innocent.
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