Convalescent whining

I can feel the cold creeping in from the cracks...of the sliding door frame. Summer is over and I barely lived it. I can also feel another chill emanating from my bones. This blanket is doing nothing to make me feel warm.

I hate my life. I hate working away from Lilo. I hate having to still suffer calls from my ex, suffer his drowning neediness while I'm left dealing with the consequences of my naivete...

It doesn't hurt as much as it used to, but pain still echoes in my chest cavity, deeper and deeper each time I have to deal with another stab from him. I'm almost empty now. I don't really cry about it anymore. I just feel empty. Jaded...

Then, then of course I had to deal with another fucking tirade from my parents about Jesus and how he was going to beat me into submission if I don't start believing in him-FOR FUCK'S SAKE the one time I actually pick up the phone thinking that I miss my parents and I reach out to hear their voices they reaffirm the reason why I left in the first place. I can't deal with their delusions about a god that does not exist. A god they know I don't believe in.

Never have, really.

I'm still lying in bed like a wounded animal. I lie here dreading tomorrow and what it brings. I don't give a fuck about anyone's expectation of me...just the ones I have of myself. I don't give a fuck about money. Never have, so why start now? Don't have much of it. Probably never will.

Tough.

I miss the tenderness I used to have for my daughter. Now it's just work-induced exhaustion and barely contained exacerbation when I'm dealing with her. Another childhood robbed, another child institutionalized, another single parent having to deal with the unfairness of life...and I wonder why, why did it not occur to me when I convinced myself, quite happily, that he was a good idea-WHY didn't I take a second to think, think for a small second: NONE OF WHAT YOU'RE EXPERIENCING HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH FATE AND FUCK YOU FOR WATCHING TOO MANY DISNEY MOVIES, ITS HORMONES! NOTHING MORE! Nothing more.

So what? What's next? Watching my untapped abilities slowly wither and disappear, awkward visitations with the ex, probably more fighting concerning Lilo though I don't see him ever obtaining custody (the only other positive result of this fiasco, apart from Lilo), praying to whatever fucking floating powers that be that he keep his future relationships out of Lilo and I's live and if he gets unbearable I should probably plan to move out of Canada.

I hate myself for having gotten involved with that thing. I really, truly, hate myself right now. And the truth is, I've lost all faith in my self and my ability to make my dreams come true.

I am just tired. And I'm forced to go through the motion until another animal thinks it's within his rights to take my life or old age, disease or a good ol' fashion apocalypse finally lays me to rest.

Seven and Human Dating Rituals

Where have I been?

I have pink eye. Let's just say that pic above is the best I've looked in days. The night before last I had so much discharge in my eye it was just hanging around ON my eyeball, or collecting inside my eyelids until I had to cry cottage cheese tears.

And yes, it burns.

I've also been away because I'm changing, again. I would think I would have noticed a pattern between my breaks from blogging and my overall contenance. I'm fighting my depression...except now, I realize in doing so I've been losing sleep, which in turn lead to a crash of my immune system and I've spend the past couples of days out of work, dying in Auntie S. house.

Wednesday night I was so feverish I was delirious. Thursday I had the worst headache and my eyes were glued shut. Friday was a little better. I allowed myself to be lazy. Today's actually the first day I have the energy to go to the Clinic...not for myself really, I feel like I could cope. But Lilo's cough has me worried a bit.

So...yep. I'm still broke. My apartment is still a mess but I'm doing good on my promise to de-clutter. I'm still falling sick every five seconds but I'm recovering with no other medicine than my favorite entheogen...that and lots of rest, good food and orange juice. I have, however, been successful at cutting the ex's phone calls. He's still calling, repeatedly, three to five times a day and we always have the same conversation. I will no longer excuse his incompetence, he keeps calling me hoping that I've returned to my previous...accepting stance but I'm done. I have gained nothing but torment and pain from him. I'm learning how to be selfish. I'm learning to look out for yours truly. The apathy towards my struggles, on top of having to take care of Lilo, and his continuing delusions about being a competent parent just got to be too much.

All right, all right, I don't have an ounce of feeling left for you. You are the perfect asshole!You don't want to do anything to improve anyone's life but your own!I GET IT! Happy? Now get the fuck out of my life.

Simple.

Easy.

I'm going to follow those from now on. Simple and easy relationships with people. I'm done with complications of any kind. I'm also done with entanglements with members of the opposite sex...besides, I'm constantly sick, tired and lugging around an extra 10 pounds from the bakery: sexy has left the building.