Merry Christmas

I wanted to wish all of you out there in blogger land a very Merry Christmas...

Never Fond Of Holidays

I haven't writen in a while, I just didn't know what to write.

Life has been wierd and sad and just all crazy here...

A few weeks ago some friends of ours from the race track were killed in a ATV accident, they were mother and daughter, on seperate vehicles. We didn't know them well, but we did know the families and their friends...and we have talked to both on a number of occasions...its always hard to say good-bye to some one at this time of year, my heart goes out to their families and loved ones. They were truely good people, the daughter went to school in our area, in the other high school in the district...they were so close, mom and daughter, I can not imagine how hard this is on the family...so sad.
There was another ATV accident that took the life of my nieces friend. Her friend Alyssa was feeding her steer with friends and fell from the back of the ATV hitting her head, she passed away the next day. My heart goes out to her family and to my niece and her family. I was a little younger than my niece when I lost my best friend, I never got over it, never got past it...I can only hope my niece can get through this, it breaks my heart to watch her go through all of this, to experience this kind of pain at such a young age...such a tragedy. My nieces friend went camping with us this summer so I had the pleasure of meeting her and getting to know what an amazing little girl she was...16 is way to young to end a life, I will never understand things like this.
Hold on I am not done...my cousin Nancy's step dad also just passed away. He had cancer and lived longer than they had expected. He was so loved, and I will forever be thankful to him for being such a kind soul to my niece. She loved him so much...I hate that shes so far away while dealing with this, I kinda get the mommy feelings with her lol...I babysat her every summer for so long...her and Charles are the 2 cousins I am the closest to, and I hate when things happen to them and I can't be there for them...so I am sending all my love and support to her any and every other way I can.
As you can see the holiday season here is pretty sad...so much lose, so much sadness...just when you start to feel happy and enjoying the moment, guilt creeps in...you feel guilty for all of the happy moments because they are all so sad......I am one of those people who wants to make everything OK for everyone...I feel so bad for all of the families, friends and loved ones that have lost someone at this time...at any time.
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I am sorry to bum everyone out...not what I wanted to do...just in a crappy mood I guess...good news is I am finally getting over my horrid flu :) This one truly kicked my ass...flu seasons sucks lol
We are as ready for Christmas as we can get...things aren't going to be on a grand scale, but they will be ok...we have our family and that's whats important :)
I will write again tomorrow...weird I have been working on this post for over a week, writing, deleting and so on...its always hard to get out the sad stuff...

I am hoping all of my blogger friends have a safe and happy Christmas and that you all get to laugh and stuff yourselves while surrounded by your family and friends :) Love ya all

Sorry For The Delay

Life is better...Ashley and I have worked through alot, we talked about so much, I saw her point of view and she saw mine. I think thats whats so special about her and I, we are able to talk things through, I mean don't get me wrong there are those screaming wanna kill ya kind of days, but overall I have always known I was lucky to have such an amazing daughter.

anyways on to other things...

I hate that christmas is coming so fast...this year its going to be so hard. I think its going to be hard for everyone, its just life, we do what we can. I am just not a fan of holidays, I try to be, but its all just to much.

Ken has had the week off from work, his vacation, poor guy has done nothing but sit on the couch and watch TV lol...sucks to be broke lol.

My mom had to work on Thanksgiving and then on black friday (4 am-1) so we had our Thanksgiving the saturday after thanksgiving lol, and it was so nice. It was small, Ash and Ana, my grandparents, my brother and his new girlfriend then mom, me and Ken...we all sat around the table talking and catching up, it was just nice having my family around.

David (my brother) is in the process of moving to L.A., wierd that when he was in town we seldom talk and now that hes moving we talk alot...we are wierd like that I guess. Hes looking really good, healthy and happy, I am hoping this move is for the best and that he finds all kinds of happiness.

My dad called me on our thanksgiving, it was nice hearing from him, I worry about that old man. we were never close, and probably never will be, but I still worry, he tends to always find some way to fuck up, hes an alcholic, did drugs, sleeps around...well you get the picture...but all that aside hes my dad, and he truely is the best dad he knows how to be...sucks, but it is what it is. I just hope all is well with him...ughhh life.

Well I will write more later, man do I have a lot to talk about...but I am busy right now so I will get back atcha all later :)

Carie

Parenting

I have always heard people say that being a parent is the hardest job, I never really got it til recently. Ashley was always such an easy child, as a baby she was always happy, seldom ever cried, as a toddler the world was brand new and alls she wanted was to explore it, as a kid she was content to sit and goof off with me, as a teen she has finally made this parenting thing hard ass work.

Last week Ashley lied to me. Sounds like a typical teen, except it was very out of character for her. I have always stressed the importance of the trueth, hell I am a very leiniant parent, I let her do so much and alls she has ever had to do is ask me. She is a straight A student who works her ass off triing to get into an amazing college, she earned my trust, so when she lied it hit me hard, it hurt so bad...it felt like I got sucker punched by my best friend.

I had a bad childhood with my parents, I didn't trust them and lied all the time because they were just mean, I swore I would never be like that, and I haven't. I am the parent that is always with the kids, they have volunteer work and I take them, they want to go goof off somewhere and I take them, they just want to hang out and I am all for it. I give in to alot with Ash, not because I want to spoil her, but because she has always shown such maturity...its so hard to explain what I feel like now...I mean was I a stupid person for always believing her or was she always telling the trueth and she just had a momentary lapse in judgement?

I grounded her for a week, I took the computer and her cell away...but that is nothing compared to the loss of trust. I just hate that she choose to lie to me instead of just asking if she could stay later at her friends, I dropped her off at a birthday party, there was a bounce house and all her friends...when I called at 8 and said I was on my way she said she was still goofing off in the bounce house with her friends, but I stood firm, it was dark and she had already stayed the night the previous night, so I show up and the bounce house is gone...the rental place had picked it up long ago, she was at her friends talking to the boy next door...then she continued the lie.

She tried to tell me the bounce house was in the backyard, I am no fool...I was pissed. I think she knows how badly she messed up, she wrote me a note that broke my heart...but the trust is just not there right now, and its wierd to me because I have always trusted her...

I know it sounds trivial, but its not, not to me. A lie is a lie...a hurt is a hurt, and disappointment is what it is...its going to take some time for us to be ok again, it will be alot longer than that before I trust her to be at her friends house like that again...

Am I over protective, over reacting? I don't know...I just know that I have never given her a reason to lie to me, I have always been the one to be understanding, don't get me wrong I am a mom first and foremost but I also know what it was like to be a kid, I know that when boys are around you get all screwed up and do stupid stuff, I know that when your 14 you are ready to be independent and you think you know it all, hell I was a kid who grew up in the ghetto so I get it...but I also know that I got in to trouble that was serious and bad, I know that when I lied to stay out later I was doing shit that was way wrong...

Anyways this is a rambling post so I will end it...just have a hundred things going through my head right now...life is just kicking the shit out of me left and right...I will explain it all later...ughhhh I just want to close my eyes and have the whole world dissappear for just a bit...night all.

Music

Anyone who knows me knows I love music...I almost always sing along as well Lol. I love just about every single type of music out there. I am the person that no matter what channel you put it on in the car I can sing along cause I know all the songs, the person who can be listening to Jazz, blues, alternative and rap all on the same cd lol...music is my world.

Its funny that when I think back on my life I can not always remember what happens or any of that, but I can almost always remember the music that was there. My mom says that when I was a baby there were only 2 ways to put me to sleep, crank up the music or drive around for awhile lol.

I love that when you are in a room full of people, feeling like the little loner in the corner as soon as music plays or is brought up everyone can relate to each other, it can draw you out of that corner.

When my friend was murdered I turned to music big time, locked myself in my room for days, listening to music, some songs over and over again...it helped me, it helped me focus on something other than the pictures my mind created. It saved my life.

All most every moment as a mother has had something to do with music, I hummed or sang to Ashley all the time, even before she was born. I always had music on with her, I danced the most silly dances with her, we would be driving and Uncle Cracker would come on and she would turn it all the way up and we would sing like crazy people...when she was born the song "you are so beautiful" played, when she turned one the song butterfly kisses was on...I could keep going on...its our thing.

Ken and I like some music the same...but he really likes way out there crazy ass music lol. He like old school bluegrass and really really twangy country, I mean its all good, not my fav, but it works I guess lol...but our strongest connection would have to be BB King lol...we have been to a few of his concerts and are planning on going to his next one on new years eve. BB rocks...the last concert was amazing, he sang all the amazing classics, but he also told the stories behind the songs, stories of his childhood...it was fanfriggintastic lol...

My daughter is asleep, her ipod playing...Green Day is on...only way she can sleep, with music. She listens to it when her head hurts or when shes upset. I love that when shes in her room her music is on and not her TV...

I love that in this crazy ass world music still has the ability to bring people together, regardless of all the political BS...I live that little children are drawn to it, to watch them dance to the beat that's only in their head, I love that music can set a mood...

Music...it is truly one of the few things in this world that I get, that is always there for me...Music is the only thing that helps me through all the pain and sadness...

lol right now I am listening to my 80's mix lol...gotta love it...Too Short Don't fight the feeling :) before that it was Bette midler and wind beneath my wings lol damn am I eclectic or what lol

Life is getting better...I am making sure of that lol :)

I love that icon up there, cause I am short lol...my daughter used to always say I will kick you, and you are top heavy, so you will fall lol...used to crack me up :)

Not to much going on right now, nice quiet day, gotta vaccum up the dog fur, Puppers like exploded everywhere lol, hazards of having 4 long haired dogs lol. His fur is covering the backyard, the living room, my room and the bathroom lol...our tan carpet looks black lol. Then add the red hair from the puppies and wow we have a colorful thing going on.

We need to shave Puppers down, brush the hell outta all the girls and then give them all baths in preperation for the winter. We try to follow the rule that dogs get 4 baths a year, one with each season, but we often do it alot more than that lol...vets recomend few baths, but when your dogs are indoor dogs you gotta make sure all is well lol.

Yeah I know this post is all about the dogs, but thats whats on my mind right now lol. I want to get the furminator so bad, helps get all the fur out of their coats before its all over, but damn that brush is like 60 bucks...crazy...

Well off to brush Pup and vaccum...laterz

questionnaire

99 Personal Questions

What is your full name?:	Carie
Your birth date::	10-20-75
What color is your hair? Is it short, medium or long?:	its redish, brown and its long
What color are your eyes?:	they are hazel
How tall are you?:	5'5
Single or Taken?:	happily taken
Do you have pets? If so, how many and what kind?:	I have 4 dogs...Leia, Libby, Lady and Puppers I have 1 cat Frahnz and a shit load of fish...not to add the 6 feral cats in my front yard who have adopted me :) Shadow, Tom, Tigger, Archie, Mommy and Daddy lol
Who do you live with?:	my family
What do you do for school and work?:	I went to college and I got my degree in early childhood development...I work with kids
Any kids? If not, do you want any?:	I have 1 kid her name is Ashley and shes 14...do I want more? You never know lol
What music do you listen to the most?:	I listen to just about all of it...I love old school rap, but I also listen to a whole lotta alternative, then theres blues...man I do like all music, its just who I am
Do you like to read? If so...favorite book(s)?:	I love to read, my all time classical favs are of mice and men, to kill a mocking bird, then theres Zoya, the dark half...lol well theres alt trust me
Virgin or not?:	lol...sorta answered that with the having a child question
Name your 3 closest friends.:	Jennifer, Cheri and Melissa
Which one is your very best friend?:	Jennifer will always be my very best friend, we have been through so much togather
Your skin...is it fair, medium or dark?:	fair with freckles lol
How often do you really "go out"?:	not to often, I am a home body I guess lol
Have you ever lost anyone you loved?:	to many
Ever been in love?:	I am in love right now lol
On a scale of 1-5 how organized are you?:	2
Do you excercise regularly? If so, how often?:	no...but I should
Zodiac sign?:	libra
Have any nick names? If so, what?:	lol CareBear...been there my whole life, but mostly my little cuz charles, he always calls me that lol
Name a couple of T.V. shows you watch a lot.:	heros, lost, house, er, csi, coldcase, extreme home makeover, dexter and true blood
Movie(s) you can watch over and over::	goonies, kabrynth, dark crystal, gone with the wind, that thing you do, gidget, all the sandra dee movies, lol hell I love movies...summer magic, that darn cat...I really realy love old movies
Do you have tattoos? If yes, how many and where are they?:	not yet
Any piercings? If yes, how many and where are they?:	just the ears
Wear glasses?:	nope
Have braces?:	used to for 4 years
Do you have siblings? If so, how many?:	I have a half sister named Cheryl, a full brother named David and a step-sister named Crystal
Are your parents still together?:	nope, they divorced before i Was born
What is/was your worst subject in school?:	it was always science and history, memorization problems lol
Your best subject?:	english
Do you currently play any sports? If so, what?:	nope
Do you like to dance?:	yup
Sing?:	as loud and off key as possible lol
Favorite color?:	blue
Favorite Holiday?:	wow...ummm I think Easter...all the family is there and you don't go broke buying stuff lol
Where, outside of the U.S. would you like to visit?:	Italy, its always been my dream
Do people tell you that you act older, younger, or your age?:	younger
Ever have an imaginary friend as a child?:	lol yup, Crazy Pete...made him up when I was like 5 and killed him off when Iwas 7
Ever been skinny dipping?:	nope
Did/Do you enjoy highschool for the most part?:	nope...I was suspended alot, saturday school for a year...then kicked out my senior year...I eventually graduated, then I loved going to college
Do any drugs? If yes, what?:	nope..never even tried any
Drink? If yes, how often?:	nope...maybe once a year
Smoke?:	hell no
Ever been in a physical fight? If yes how many and who were they with?:	yes I have. so damn many times...lots of people lol
Have you ever cheated in a relationship?:	no, cheating is the lowest of all lows
What's your definition of cheating?:	mentally, physically, emotionally being with someone else
Do you wear pajamas to places other than at your house?:	no lol..to me thats just crazy
Have you ever stolen anything from a store or from someone?:	yeah when I was a kid
Ever cheated on a test?:	yup
Ever been in any legal trouble?:	yup
Do you regret anything?:	I think everyone one has regrets, I just chose not to dwell on them, its made me who I am
Name 5 of the most important things in your life.:	my daughtrer, my family, my pets, my friends, my health
How many languages can you speak and what are they?:	english, broken spanish and ASL
Are you a touchy feely person?:	yes
Do you take showers in the morning or at night more?:	night
Do you trust easily?:	no
Any phobias?:	the dark....heights to some degree
Are you a heavy or light sleeper?:	light...super light
When did you make your myspace profile?:	2 years ago It hink, but only really started using it a year ago
Any disorders you've actually been diagnosed with (O.C.D., A.D.D...)?:	mental nope
Are you a morning person?:	lol yeah...only if I can get some sleep in the afternoon
Sunrise or sunset?:	sunset
Ever had surgery?:	many
Ever come close to death?:	yes
Ever broken any bones?:	awhole lot of them lol
When you die, would you rather be burried or cremated?:	cremated
Play any instruments? If so, what?:	piano
Have you been told you can sing well more than once?:	nope, I can not sing for shit, but it doesn't stop me lol
3 physical features you get complimented on a lot::	my hair, eyes and...hmmm
Your least favorite feature::	my whole body
Clothing store you shop at the most::	I love Torrid
What is/are your heritage(s)?:	wow...I am a mutt...my dad is white, my mom is greek, and awhole lotta stuff lol
What is your religion or do you not really have one?:	I guess baptist
Ever been cheated on?:	yes
Ever had a one night stand? If so, how many and do you regret any of them?:	nope
Current friend that you have known the longest::	jennifer
Name someone you can tell just about anything to.:	ken
Sweet or Sour?:	sweet
Where were you born?:	fresno ca
Do any of your close friends have children?:	all of them
Are any of them married?:	yes
Have you ever taken any antidepresants or anxiety medication?:	yes
Ever seen a therapist?:	yup
Did/do you transfer schools a lot?:	in grade school yeah...never in junior high and once in high school
Favorite animal to have as a pet::	dogs
How many floors does your home have? How many bedrooms and bathrooms?:	single level 2 baths 3 bedrooms
Do you live in a neighborhood or in the middle of nowhere?:	in the ghetto lol a neighborhood
Favorite food::	rice
Do you like to shop?:	no
How often do you go online?:	everyday
How sexual are you on a scale of 1-10?:	7
Something or someone you miss the most from childhood::	I really miss my friend Melissa...and my friend Laurie (RIP)
Have you ever slept with somone 10 years or more older than you?:	not 10 years...but Ken is older than me, hes 40 I am gonna be 33
Over 10 years younger?:	nope
Are you usually late, early or right on time?:	early
Are you happy with your life for the most part right now?:	yes

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Changing

I am going to start living my life for what it is not what it isn't, I am going to stop trying to make everybody else happy and work on making me happy...not to say I don't wanna see them happy, I just feel as if I deserve that happiness to.



I am going to stop trying to be someone I'm not just to make people happy, I am going to laugh everyday no matter what, love with all my heart regardless of the BS...and I am going to forget the past hurts and live for the here and now :)

I have been stuck in a wierd strange place lately, and I think I may just be snapping out of it. There has been alot of tension between Ken and I, we just never see eye to eye, on anything, he is a pesimist and is forever negative, me I am an optimist, I believe there is almost always good in people...I am a animal lover, I am not a crazy ass PETA freak, but an animal lover all the same lol, I try to go out of my way to help animals, he can just drive on by. All the differences have always been why we are togather, its so much more fun loving somone whos different than you, but then there are those days the other uses those differences to try and make you feel stupid, well those days are way to frequent lately lol...

I like to laugh, I am a goober and I know it. I laugh at the stupidest things, its who I am, I just happen to prefer to try and be happy, this house, this crazy ass house, is full of cranky people who blow up at everything...

Ashley got mad at me tonight because I got an answer to her math problem wrong, I mean seriously pissed, it was so stupid. My mom threw a fit like you could not believe because Ken made himself and Ashley pot stickers on a fend for yourself night, she felt as if we should have made diner for her, I mean she was calling me every name in the book, so retarded...hell I had a baked potato, that was it...she has legs, she can walk...mean evil woman...geez. Ken is always mad at me, usually over politics, I try to avoid them, but hell its all thats on the news, his views are sooooo way off from mine its not even funny, and when I voice my opinion he laughs at me and truely goes out of his way to make me feel stupid for having a differing opinion, he has made me cry several times this week.

So my goal is to just let it all go, let them be pissy, I will ignore it all...or at least try to lol...

I want to make this change for a hundred reasons, but mostly due to my health...my blood preasure is crazy high, I am on 2 different pills for it, my heart is all messed up, has been for a long time, the doctor says I need to get rid of the stress, that I am soooo close to a heart attack, but its been so hard, my family just seems to be super pissy all the time. Ashley is a teen, shes gonna be cranky lol all teens are, its life...my mom is old mean and bitter, theres no fixing her, but Ken, well hes made at work and over money, but I have done nothing wrong, honestly, and him treating me like this has to change, hes suposed to support me, but he doesn't, just seems to always be mad at me...so for now on when hes cranky I am just gonna walk away, let him deal with it himself, after all its his problem, not mine.

So as of today (even though I have started and stopped this post for a few days now) I am going to try and just let go and live...to get back to me, to see all the good around me, and I am gonna go out and work in my garden and laugh as my goofy dogs still my cuttings and run around like the goofballs they are, I am just gonna try and relax and let go, today is a new day and its gonna be a good one :)

Breats cancer Awarness

My mom succesfully battled breats cancer, my friends mom did not...many of my family members have bravely battled it, others battled for as long as they could...

I want to remind all of my friends out there that this is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so take a few minutes and feel the girls up, don't be shy, hell you can tag team it to...just do it, don't wait, don't think your not old enough, or that just because its not in your family it won't happen, it happens.

Take a few minutes when your in the shower, or kicking back...hell I don't care how, when, where or any of that, just do it, I don't want to loose anyone else to this...its important, trust me it is.

My mom asked me to go to the doctors with her, no big thing, I bundled up my baby and off we went. A nurse comes out and says my moms wants me. I am a little scared, holding Ashley tight I walked into the office...

"Carie this is Dr Important, I have breast cancer, want me to hold the baby?"

"No" She was my hold on reality, the thing keeping me grounded...

It takes the breath right out of you, your world starts to spin uncontrolably, all the bullshit is gone...you now how to focus on what do we do, what can I do...whats going to happen?

My mom is a strong woman, I am not even kidding you...she had a lumpectomy, came home with all these drains sticking out...2 days later back at work, every morning for 6 weeks she went and had her chemo treatment after work, never missed a day, then for the next 6 weeks she went ever morning before work for radiation, still staying strong and going to work...then 6 weeks of after work chemo again...she went through all of this, sick as hell, not missing one day of work, never complaiing, just do what needed to be done and moving on...

It was the nights that were hard, she was sick all night, crying from the pain, constantly asking god "why me" I would sit there with her, wet towel in hand, help her back to bed, tuck her in, go back to my room and hold Ashley, still my anchor to the real world...

I watched my mom go through hell and fight her way back...she was lucky, they caught it early, lucky..wierd to say that with all she went through and all she continues to go through, but she was lucky, because shes alive...

She has no lymph system in right arm so it swells all the time, if she gets into something shes not supposed to it will swell, it gets so hard and all red, the heat coming off it is crazy, off to the docs she has to go to get it fixed...its crazy...but she is one of the lucky ones, because we have watched so many family and friends not be able to live through it...

Anyways get to checkin girls, and guy to...trust me men get it as well...so fell up those tata's make a party out of it...woohooo

Being a mother

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh

To me this quote is so true, I do feel as if the day Ashley was born was the day I came alive, I had purpose and reason. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world, trust me it is, but it is also the most rewarding, seeing your child grow into a beautiful, intelegant person with inner strength and determination, watching them teach the world all the things you taught them, it is truely the best feeling ever.

I don't know what its like to be a woman before a mom, I was a kid and a mom so I never experienced all the stuff I hear about, do I regret it? Not for 1 minute. My life was a mess before I had Ashley. I was a true hood rat, I lived in the hood and I was proud of it, embraced it, and was falling a part because of it. I was always in a fight, suspended from school all the time, Saturday school for a straight year, I was so fucjked up, you just don't know. When my friend was murdered I fell even deeper. I just stopped caring, what was the use...I had no purpose, I felt as if I was nothing.

I went to enlist...I felt it was the only way I was going to escape where I grew up, escape the the bullshit that goes with growing up like I did, I was truethfully running away. I went for my phisyical and they told me I was pregnant, I just sat there, and then I cried, not because I was upset, because I was so happy, that is honestly the day my life changed.

I still ditched school alot, but because I had morning sickness from hell, we were then living with my grandparents in transition to an apartment out of the ghetto, I was working my ass of, I wanted to make sure my baby had the best start, I wanted to make sure everything was good when she was born.

Don't get me wrong, life has not been easy, hell adding a child to the situation made life crazy, but with all the bad and bullshit, she was there, my little one, holding my finger, smiling, she made life easier just by being, she made things ok because I knew everything was for a reason...

Becoming a mom isn't for everyone, but it was the best thing for me, even when my cranky ass teenager rolls her eyes, storms off to her room, slams the door and cranks up the music, its still worth it lol...for every I hate you there are a million I love yous, for every heart ache, there is a huge hug, for all the pain there she is with a big ole band aide...I have said it since day one, I came alive the day Ashley was born, I became who I am because of her...

Ashley is my world, she is truely my everything, thats not just a saying with me, she truely is my happiness, she makes it easier to wake up everyday, she makes me fight through the constant pain, and even when my body is shut down, my heart is full and all is ok...and for me its all because I am a mom, I am thankful everyday for my baby girl, I am blessed beyond words...and I am so happy to be known as Ashleys mom, its not a trap to me, its a blessing :)

Love ya baby girl :)

Reading

"I have always imagined that paradise will be a kind of library."
— Jorge Luis Borges


Reading is one thing I have always loved, I can finish a large book in a night if its good, I love to get lost in a book, to see other places in time...for me its amazing.

I am one of those dorks that loves to read, that loves those sappy romances, not those hi, how are you, lets do it, the end kinds, but the historical ones, the ones with real plots, or the intrigue and suspence ones with a romance woven in it, yes thats right I am a romance junkie...shhh...

I have hundreds and hundreds of books, poetry books, romance novels, classics, all of shakespears works...just so so so many, and I have read most multiple times lol, I just truely love reading...

When I sit down at night, I turn everything off, get in the cornor of the couch, and submerse myself into the story, seeing the people in my mind, able to see the buildings they paint with words, I love to get lost in a good book, to shut out the world for a bit, its special to me. Its one of the few times my mind stops driving me mad, its focused and I don't hear the sounds that haunt me, or relive things that can never be undone, when I am reading I feel safe, I am content.

I read a book a night, so its a pretty expensicve habbit, but its worth it, and I do dream of someday visiting the places I read about, going on some adventure, being free like the people in the books, having a happy ever after...

My daughter is also an avid reader, she to goes through books fast, for holidays and her birthday alls she wants is gift cards for barnes and nobles from family and Ken and I always get her books, ones she wouldn't buy herself, she can read them as quick as I can, she visits the library every weekend lol...

She wants to be an author, and I can see it for her, her writing is briliant, intense and amazing. She writes in a way most of us can only dream of, she has this need to read, to learn more, she then writes about the books shes read, or she continues the story for herself, she is truely amazing, its nice knowing that my love of reading rubbed off on her, its so nice to see her laptop closed while shes stretched out on the bed reading a new book, books are her escape as well.

I always dream that someday we will have this large house, one with a beautiful library, full of all my books and hundreds more for me to read, that would be a dream come true for me, to be able to escape into my own world all the time, it would be great...

Well I am off to start my new book :)

Lonely

I live in a house full of people, a house that never stops, and I feel completely and utterly alone.

Its a scary thought to know that all the people you love and live with know nothing about the person you are, your deepest darkest fears or your dreams, they don't know why you are the way you are, and they have no clue how hurt you are by their little slights, I am a stranger in the middle of a family.

I am shy, very shy, I tend to shut down when there are to many people around, I tend to talk to much when I am nervous or alone with someone that I feel uncomfortable with, and I avoid confrontations at all costs, I am ghetto at the core and will htrow down way easier than I will talk it out, bad habits from living in the ghetto all your life.

I hide my feelings, I write, alot, but then I get rid of most of the writing, I have a diary, I write to my dear stranger...just easier to write to someone then to just write sometimes, I try to never hurt the people around me, even when they cut me the deepest. I go out of my way to protect the ones I love, but they are the quickest to hurt me.

Its so wierd at times being here, watching everyone live their lives and feeling like you got left behind, your their after thought.

Just feeling down today, one of those days where I truely wish I could walk away, not forever, but maybe for a night, from everyone, a vacation from life really. My doctor would love that, my blood preasure is so so so bad, I am on pills for it and still its crazy, she says I have to much stress lol, well duh right?

Anyways, just needed to get it out, let go of it, and move on from it...life is what it is and I am going to make a huge effort to get over all the crap and just live, be happy and work on myself...

Be happy all...

Love

Today I am going to tell you about Love...real love, the once in a lifetime kind, the very rare love that bonds 2 people forever.

My Grandma and my Papa, thats real love, its in the million little things...the way Grandma touches his arm, or when he makes her blush and she swats at him, its in her eyes, it seems to shine from her soul...

My Papa, when he looks at my grandma, it will take your breath away, its the sweetest loving look you could ever imagine, he holds her hand where vere they go, he goes out of his way to make her smile, and he leaves little notes with butterscotch taped to them everywhere, has for 60 years.

Today my grandma had a pretty major surgery, and my papa, who I have got to say is the toughest man I have ever seen, broke down, hit his knees, crying and begging god not to take my grandma from him...my mom says he stood next to the door thw whole time, never wanting to sit down or relax, he just waited for someone to say it was ok. The door opened and the doc shook my papas hand and my papa just cried and thanked god, the doctors, the nurses and anyone else around, thats love...real love. When your whole world revovles around that one person, and you don't feel trapped or dwell on the hundred annoying things, its when you look forward to everyday, to just smile at the one you love, to be reassured with the lightest touch...thats what I see as real love.

My papa is a hardcore truck driver, not like the truckers now, but the good ol boys who loved being on the road, the men who were gone more than they were home...Hes over 6 foot tall nearly 300 pounds, hes a giant of a man, and to see my tiny little grandma bring him to his knees with a smile, its amazing. Growing up I used to love to just watch them, at the ocean they would walk along the waters edge, hand in hand, whispering and giggling, after all these years they still have so much to talk about, so much to share. We used to go for Sunday drives into the mountains when I was a kid, always to the same remote place in the middle of nowhere, a field of wildflowers, and he would always smile at grandma and say he found the most beautiful place on earth and she still managed to outshiine it, it never got old, because he meant it, heart and soul.

We just celebrated my grandmas 80th birthday, and my papa gave her a beautiful gift, it was an empty box, and he told her it was filled with love and memories, it was the box he gave her on their wedding night, a box he said he could not wait to fill...thats love..

My grandma is going to be ok, surgery went well, I just can never imagine my grandparents with out the other, no matter how onery and cantancerous they are, the love that they share iss tronger than anything I have ever seen...they have what we should all strive for...hell after 60 years of having to pick up his undies in the same spot in the middle of the floor, everyday you can still laugh at it and go on, you must have done something right lol...

Off To Prison...

As many of you know, my little cousin has had numerous run ins with the law, and its all caught up with him now. # years...3 years in prison. Hes 19, a daddy, and no matter what any of us did, he just would not stay clean, and trust me, we all did everything to try and help.

Its heart breaking when you are seeingsomeone you love falling a part, destroying themselves, and truely not be able to help. I have always been there for him, running out at midnight to pick him up aftre a fight with his dad, hiding him here in my house when his dad lost it and wanted to hurt him, Talking to him for hours and hours, letting him talk about all the stuff hurting him.

He has called me mom since he was 4 years old, I was always the one there for him, always. I always will be. But he has to learn, he has to see that his actions have consequences, what if he was stoned while driving his daughter somewhere, what if he hurt himself or someone else while under the influence...how would he be able to live with himself then?

He has lived a majorly fucked up life, both his parents screwed up so bad, neither able to see past themselves to be a good parent, both so selfish that they often ignored his needs, they had him commeted when he was like 8, thats right,, he threw a normal fit, like all little kids do, trying to get the attention he needed and deserved, and they commited him, saying he was crazy...and thats when his life started to truely fall apart.

He would wake up with nightmares after that, afraid of the dark, or being alone. He would do anything to try and forget, and the fights with his dad got worse and then turned violent, on both parts...but only my little cousin paid for it, never the adults who started it, who made it escalate, only the child they all thought was worthless.

He is an amazing person, he has such a huge heart. He taught Ashley how to ride a bike, how to play basketball, baseball and soccer, he would spoil her rotton, and always ready to protect her. He played barbis with her when he was a teenager, just because it would make her smile, hewould hold her hand whenever we were outside, and at Disneyland he always had a hold of her, always watching her, chasing down the characters and blocking their escape so she could see them lol...this kid is special, hes way more than just my cousin, he is like another child of mine, as well as my best friend...and he desrves so much more than this...

I will miss him so much, I will try my hardest to see him, we don't know what prison he will be at yet, but hopefully its not to far. I wish things had been different, I wish I could have been there more or been able to keep the bad away...I just hope he stays safe and comes home to us as soon as he can. i love this kid, and my heart is breaking for him...and I hate that he has been through hell all these years, and still no one else takes any responsibility for it...he truely is a good kid, he just followed the wrong path...

AAAAHHHHHHH

So we will start this post with todays huge drama...fire at my daughters school. I get a call from my daughter saying she had gotten locked in the bathroom during a lock down at school due to a fire...ok so let me get this right, they locked my daughter, accidentally, in the bathroom while the school was on fire!!!!! A girl locked in with her used Ashleys cell phone to call a friend of hers at school who then went and got a teacher to let the girls out, am I mad...oh hell yeah!!!!

So see it was a small fire with the potential to be a major dissaster, the electric box blew up, fire and all, next to the propain tanks...ummm yep they have their electrical box (main one) next to the propain tanks...thank god everyone is ok and no real damage caused, the kids all came home way early due to no power.

It is the scariest thing ever to get a call like that, to know your child is in a situation like that and you are far away from them. Yuo feel helpless and useless. When my daughter was in Kinder there was a lockdown at her school, there was a gunman on her campus, my backfence backs up against the kinder area, so I jumped the fence and went in through their window...I just had to be with her, good thing to since the teacher was in a panic. I just hate that my daughter is not safe at school, 2 boys were arrested recently there for making bombs, a major fight here left a kid dead (not ashleys school, but in her district) 2 girls were plotting to stab another girl...just so much violence...I hate it!

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Ashley got contacts, she is over the moon about it lol...she has wanted them for awhile, and so Ken got a new insurance that allowed it to happen. We got her a new pair of glasses and the contacts, she looks so different with her contacts lol...so used to the glasses. Funny everyone has colored ones yet my daughters eyes look way bluer than the fake ones, and hers are all natural lol.

She had some trouble getting used to putting them in and taking them out, but shes a little pro now...I love that she seems more confident with them. She is such a beautiful girl, with or without...she is truely a little beauty ;)

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Her father has not made contact after that attempt, I think tha upset her, that it was such a weak attempt, but one thing it did do was bring her and Ken closer, she definatly talks to him more lol. Funny when it happend I was asleep, she came to him and told him, I think she was scared and telling him helped, I was glad he was there for her.


Well thats my last few days in a nut shell...I will write more later :)

Blast From the Past

Yesterday Ashleys father tried to add her as a friend on myspace, she hasn't seen him in 10 years...no calls, nothing. She didn't add him, I said no...it scares the hell out of me that hes back, here in cali, once again trying to get back into our lives.

He is living with his brother not to far from here, to think hes been this close for awhile and it just dawns on him to look for her...ass hole. He knows where we live, he knows where we live, he knows the phone number, but he makes it sound like he had no other option that myspace...I just wish he would do this the right way, to respect her wishes, to understand shes just not ready...

I can't believe hes back, I hope he grows up and respects Ashleys needs and wants, and I pray he doesn't just stop by...scares the hell out of me.

OH NO!!!!!

My baby girl is starting high school in the morning!!!!

Did you hear me?

My sweet little baby girl is a high schooler...yes thats right, Ashley is in high school!

LOL! I am so happy for her as well as heart broken...man I am a huge mixing pot of emotions right now, I mean I just got over her graduating the 8th grade lol...she is growing up way to fast.

She is so smart, and beautiful, and goofy...shes simply an amazing young woman, but damn it I want my baby back!

I still remember the day I found out I was pregnant, I mean I was sitting there at the recruiters office, and they told me I failed the physical, lol I was pregnant...go figure...then I had to call family planning to take another test to show to the school, while they had me on hold the song "Mamas little baby loves shortning, shortning, mamas little baby loves shortning bread" was playing over and over again lol. I took the test, they did a more detailed test, I was 6 weeks pregnant...I cried so hard, I was os happy.

When the nurse handed her to me, and she peed all over me, alls I saw was this perfect little baby with 10 fingers, 10 toes and all perfection, I was gone from that moment on, Ashley had my heart totally and completely...always will. I just miss being able to hold her, cuddle her, having that sweet baby smell surrounding me...I always wanted more children, but the reality is Ashley is all I ever needed, she is my perfect little girl, my amazing angel.

I am going with them in the morning to send her off to high school...to watch my baby girl walk away, and to know my time with her is winding down, in 4 years she will leave here for college, I will get the occasional phone call...and everyday I will miss her, everyday my heart will break...everyone has their reason for being on this earth, mine was to be Ashleys mom...and I just don't want to let go, I want to keep her my baby forever...

Again...

I feel as if Ken and I have taken 100 steps back, not only that, but I think hes cheating on me. Maybe not physically (yet) but emotionally online. He has to many fuckin secrets, to much bullshit, he has all kinds of chat things, an hides them, no hes not just not saying, hes hiding them.

I mean come on, we have been through this enough. I don't want to be near him right now, I break into tears constantly, I am just about done, hes hurt me over and over and over again with his online bullshit. I talk to noone now, because I felt it was wrong and I didn't want to hurt him, but he just doesn't give a fuck...I am not sure if we will last, I just don't know anymore...

I love him, I do, but how many times can someone be hurt before they just give up, before they are just so broken theres nothing left.

I am hurting, and he doesn't seem to care...go figure right, I am at a loss...

the internet can destroy a family a lot faster than it can help... when you write you want random play and anything you can get and flirt with stupid whores (yes they are whores, when they know the man has someone and still pursue them thats what they are) you get what you get...to say I hurt...again...would be an understatement, I have been destroyed.

Oregon/Washington

Ok to start this post off I must say...I am so so so glad to be home lol.

2 vacations back to back that really had no true relaxation was just to much lol, I am tired, sick and man my ankle hurts lol.

We took Ashley up through Oregon to Port angelis Washington and then all the way back through it all lol.

I grew up in Forks Washington, a truely small town. Its one of those little towns you drive through and wonder how the hell people can live there lol. The town is a few blocks big...thats it...one long main street and some houses...no real stores or decent resteraunts, but it was home.

For years I have wanted to take Ashley there, to show here the place I loved so much, but until she read her book she was never interested. Seems that a book called Twilight was set in Forks washington, and this book is huge in the teen world, people from australia, italy, africa and so much more have been to Forks to see it lol...man they must have been dissappointed lol...but Ashley loved seeing it, to see the locale become real.

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We went to a Wildlife Safari first, and I must say it was amazing. I love animals, anyone who knows me at all knows that, so seeing them all roam free was amazing. The lions and the black bears where in cages...thats it...the big ass scary bears were in an inclosure you drive through, free roaming in there, right at your car lol...it was so freakin cool...I fell in love with this place, all that they do...amazing.

















































There are tons and tons of pics here as well

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Then we went to an aqarium that was so cool...they have glass tunnels you walk through...and the sharks are righ there...it was amazing. I love sharks, you just have no clue...seeing them so close, so big and all around me, over me, under me and on all sides...it was amazing.








































Once again at the above link there are tons of the pics (I will put them on flickr soon).

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Here are a bunch of random pics of Ashley and the ocean and such...


















There are so many pics I haven't uploaded them all yet lol...we had 2 cameras, plus the cell phones (memory card in it and it holds way over 1k pictures lol) so all togather there are like 700 pictures lol...

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I promise to talk more about the trip later, right now I am gonna go lay down with my dogs, been home a few days and they still need my constant attention, and truelly I missed them so so much...it was hard being away from my doggies lol and the sweet kitten inside and all my outdoor kittens (they are 9 weeks old now) and all my baby fishes lol...yeah I am wierd, I missed them all...and I missed Ken, but shhh thats a secret ;)