Dark Days

I wont't lie, I am in a bad place. I often think of how much better my family would be with out me here, I think of no more pain, no more being sick, I think of how much better off everyone would be without me...and I am dieing inside, and no one seems to notice. All my life I have sort of lived in a corner, afraid of life, of people, I had my group of friends and we had a blast, but I never let anyone know me, the real me...because I always felt no one wanted to know the stupid pathetic person I am. I have never liked me, not even as a child...and its only gotten worse as I have gotten older. I am an embarrassment to Ashley, she and I used to be so close, talk about everything, but now no matter what I say now she treats me as if I am the stupidest person, like anything I say is just stupid, not because it is, but because she sees me as an inferior person. I would give anything for her to be proud of me, I have done everything in my power to make her proud, finished high school, went to college, worked hard for years, always found a way to give her what she wanted...but nothing seems to make her happy, and to some point I understand, shes angry, angry at me for her father not being around, but if she only knew...I didn't want him gone, he made the choice and he broke my heart, no matter how much he hurt me I loved him and I will always feel that way, I hate that he was never here, I hate that she will never know him, and I will always be the person who made her father leave to her. Knowing how she sees me is like a constant dagger in my heart, knowing how bad I mist have messed up for her to see me like that, to hate me so much. Ken...well Ken is Ken, but lately all the stress and shit has gotten to a point where I have shut down, until he can treat me better, until he can see what he has done to me, well he can sleep alone and entertain himself. I put up with so much, constantly letting him hurt me because I love him, but I cant do that anymore, either he changes and sees what he has or I guess he will leave, I love him and I know we can fix this, but it can only be fixed when he sees how he treats me, the belittling, the snapping, the inconsideration...just so much, the lies, the bullshit. I just want him to love me like I do him. My mom and I will never be ok...I try, but she is just so mean, I will never understand her. I just see no way out of this dark place for me, between thew pain, the sickness and the soul deep loneliness...I am not sure I will ever be ok.

Where to go...

Been awhile, life is crazy. Ashley is going to start college soon, her graduation was great :) hard to believe my little girl just turned 18. I am so proud of her, she is such a smart woman, and she is going to go so far in this world, I only wish I could have given her more through it all, but I hope she knows I love her beyond words and would do anything for her. She has had to deal with way more than your typical teen, so many people in her life sick, deaths, people running out...she has dealt with it all with such grace and she has stayed strong. I love her so very much and I am just so amazed that she came from me lol...that for the first time ever I did something right :) I am still reeling from the loss of Nancy, I cry constantly, I think of her at least 20 times a day, and I still jump when the phone rings...it hurts, it hurts so much. I just cant believe shes gone...it just hurts more than anything i have ever dealt with. I would give anything to be able to talk to her, hold her...make sure shes ok...life will never be the same. Theres alot going on inside of me, so much. I have no one to turn to, no one to talk to. Afraid to speak the words, people would be freaked out and worried. My health isn't good, the pain is the worst, but its the mental part that really messes with me. when you have been sick and in pain for all the years I have it takes a toll on you, and it screws up your thought process pretty badly. I go to a dark place in my mind, a place that scares me. I think of how much better peoples lives would be if I was gone, how they would be better off, I dont think its true, or not completely, but going there scares me. Sometimes I just want the pain and all of it to be done...no I wont kill myself, but its a lonely scary place, I no longer feel like me, I am worried, maybe I will talk to my new doctor. I just wish I had someone here to talk to, but no one here listens to me at all, they twist what I say and then tune me out, so feeling alone, its my constant companion. When everyone goes to sleep at night I just sit and cry, I cant control it, the stress of the day and all the pain, it overwhelms me. Ken is in a bad mood almost always, Ashley is stressed out and it comes off way mean, and my mom, well shes been who she is always and its not always pleasant, so I take all I can from them, then I just shut down and wait til I am alone, in the dark and I can just let it out...I just wish they could see how they treat me, I wish they could just maybe not take out all of their stress from their days on me...I know they dont mean to, but its getting harder and harder to handle, I am afraid I am going to break. I lost inside, stuck in a very dark place, and I am afraid of the dark...I will be ok, I always am...but til then I just feel like I have no where to go, no one to turn to, I shoulder everyone elses problems as well as my own and have no one to help carry the burden. I am sorry to be a downer, I am just a truly fucked up mess

To Much

Life has been so hard lately...I feel lost, empty...just so done.My Aunt Lou passed away a few days ago, she was an amazing woman, my grandmas sister, she had fiery red hair, a quick wit and a huge smile, she was endlessly patient and full of love. I am thankful she lived a long full life, I just miss her, and my grandma really misses her. This loss has mad my grandmas mental issues even worse, its been crazy hard to deal with, its just so sad.

My amazingly beautiful cousin Nancy was rushed to the hospital with appendicitis, had the routine surgery...a week later after numerous surgeries and such due to complications she is gone...this has hit us hard, she was 26 years old, so beautiful, so full of life. Nancy was one of those people that could light up a room when she entered, who became instant friends with nearly anyone, she was silly, funny and as close to an angel on earth as a person can get. 5 months ago she married the man of her dreams, I have never seen her so happy, she shinned, he loved her so much...it was the perfect wedding, and now shes gone. We were very close, when she was little I was her babysitter, and as she got older we became best friends, and she adored Ashley...she loved to antagonize the hell out of Ash, and Ashley gave as good as she got, they laughed all the time, Nancy was so proud of Ashley, she was setting up her vacation in order to be at Ashley's graduation...we aren't handling this well at all. I love her, and I keep expecting the phone to ring and have it be her using one of her fake voices to trip me up...then listen to her laugh cause she got me...I keep expecting my near daily emails to keep smiling...this world was a better place with her in it. I don't know how to live in a world thats shes not a part of. Its so hard because no one knows what the hell went wrong, the drs kinda shrug and say they don't know, hopefully more will be known after the autopsy...why did an incredibly healthy, vibrant 26 year old die from such a simple surgery...why did so many small mistakes get made...I am so so so angry and I don't know who to point that anger at. I have no one to talk to about it, my mom just cries, Ashley is having a hard enough time, and Ken doesn't seem to understand...I am lost, and I feel so empty, I cry constantly, I close my eyes and see her...I just want to know why she was taken from us. I am not religious, and I feel as if what little i believed in is gone, because I feel like a good god would never do this, would never destroy so many lives, would never take such a special person from us when there are so many pieces of shit out there...I am angry, sad, confused...worn out, mind body and soul.

then today my brother was arrested and it made huge news...to much...its to much...I am so scared for him, and pretty pissed that he never considers anyone but himself when he does stupid shit... ugh its to much, I am not sure I can handle all of this, I am not sure what to do...


I keep reminding myself to just breath, but even thats not easy...I just hurt...its just all to much for this heart broken girl

valentines

Every year I have gotten Ken a valentines gift, and only once has he gotten me anything...the thing is i have never made it about gifts or any of that...i never want it to be about that, but maybe some recognition would be nice...not just on valentines...but at anytime. I am just so hurt that I just never seem to be anything on his list of things he appreciates. Just feel let down. Little does he know a simple happy valentines day and a hug and an I love you would have made my day

2012

Wow...we made it.

Sometimes I am shocked by the years because I was always told by doctors that I would never make it from one to the next, but now I am amazed by them because its one year closer til Ashley will move away...scary and hard lol.

Ashley got into college, now we figure out paying for it, just like every other family in America...I am so proud of her. she is so much happier lately, she seems to be happier with herself and therefore just generally happy...I am so thankful for that. I was getting more scarred than angry or anything at her mood swings...I was terrified that she may slip away, and that she would do something horrid to herself. Ashley is so beautiful and funny and way to smart lol, but she doesn't seem to see any of that in herself, that's kinda sad to me, cause I would love to be like her.

Ken and I...well its tough. For a few months now he has become obsessed with reading, he is either reading or on his computer watching things. I will go in there 2-3 an hour trying to get his attention...most of the time he wont even look at me just nod or go uh huh...then when we go out its even worse, he will get on his phone and that's it, I try to talk to him, but he makes me feel like I am invading his space, I feel so disconnected from him. All aspects of our lives are suffering from it...who wants to share any intimacy with the person who has spent days ignoring you. There was a time where we did nothing but laugh all day, joke with each other, watch TV together...now he would rather do anything but spend time with me. I feel so flippin lost, so alone, and he just either doesn't see it, or doesn't care.

I love him, their is no doubt, if I didn't I would have walked so long ago, but because I love him I keep trying, just makes me sad. He used to consider my needs and wants along with his own and we always shared or made do with a compromise...nooo way now. The last several times we have hung out while Ash and Carl have gone off he has made me feel like I really don't matter. This last time he said over and over and over again that we had very little money, so since he had just covered the target bill I said with my birthday gift card (what was left on it) we could go to subway and split and sandwich and get a soda...he said nope he wanted chicken and waffles...I cant eat it (nor would I want to) and so that's what he did, I gave him the card to use because I felt bad he covered my target purchase. It just really made me feel horrible. The time before that we were way broke...it was pathetic lol we had enough to get something to drink, we were going to be there for a few hours waiting on the kids and he bought a coffee, I don't drink coffee...so I got nada :( I don't think hes doing it to be cruel, I just don't think he thinks about any of it anymore, just his own needs.

Hes not always bad, I know it sounds like that, but there are more sad and lonely moments than there are woohooo...yah know.

My moms health has improved big time, I was way scared there for a bit, her arm was crazy big, sitting with her at the hospital made me realize how lucky I am to have her...even if we fight like the greeks we are lol.

Well my back is killing me so I am gonna go lay down, I will write about my grandparents and the rest later...

lol oh yeah...there were amazing moments as well, I will share later lol

Devistated

Lately my health has gone down hill, I am in pain all the time, I can barely move at times, things are just bad...and I feel like I have no support here, I get yelled at continuously from all of them, I get treated like shit from all of them...but the part that hurts me the most is that because of how I feel Ashley thinks I do nothing but sit on my ass all day, that I do nothing else (which is bullshit). I have no one to go to, no one to talk to...I am so alone.


All of my life I have been alone, very quiet, withdrawn from everyone...then I became a mom, I went out of my way to make everything perfect for Ashley, I mean I did everything with her and for her...and now if you ask her, she says I did nothing, that her childhood was shit. That child laughed all the time as a kid, she was so happy...it wasn't till junior high that she became so withdrawn...until then she was a happy child, and we were inseperable. Some how she doesn't remember any of that, alls she does is treat me like I am nothing, makes me feel as if I hold her back in life.


Ash is a good kid, I know this sounds harsh, but she is a damn good kid, and i like to believe we are happy for the most part, I think we are a normal family with highs and lows, and struggles...but I think with all the stuff in Ashleys life the easiest thing for her to do is take it all out on me, I will always forgive her, hell sometimes I need to be forgiven, i often need to be...its easy to lash out at someone who loves you then to lash out at friends and such, but i dont want this to be us anymore...I am afraid that if my health goes fats that this is the memory she will remember, not the millions of happy moments, just the end where all she seems to see is a lazy ass mom that sits on her ass all day. Knowing your child thinks that of you hurts more than I can ever tell you, I know she will change her perception as time goes on...its just hard.


I wish we didn't have to struggle for everything, I wish we had enough money to stock up the fridge, I wish we could buy her all the games she wants, I wish she never had to go without...but we all try, I mean it, we do, I go without everything to make sure she gets the things she needs, hell I do it for Ken to...but neither of them go without for me. My birthday is on the 20th...and I will go without, I always do...hell I am lucky if I get remembered. Ashley is the only person in my life who has never forgoten...shes the only one who has ever gone out of her way for me...she is my life and my heart and I just miss her. I miss spending time with her, I miss seeing her smile and hearing her laugh...I miss it all. I hope things change...because right now I am at a low that I am not sure I can bounce back from :(

Hmmm...

Seeing your child hurting over anything is so hard, my daughters boyfriend may possibly have to go to the phillopines with his family, its not written in stone yet, but just the thought of that loss is hurting her so much, she tries so hard to act strong and put on a brave front, but I see the hurt in her eyes. First love is the most amazing thing and he is such a good kid, I listen to my daughter talk about their possible future and I see that hope and that love...the kind of love that is so pure and so innocent..please please let him stay and spare my baby this hurt...she has had to many hurts in her life, she has cried to many tears...I just want happiness for her