I wonder if anyone else out there deals with self hatred? I don't mean hating how you look, or how you acted, I mean deep down hatred of who you are as a whole. I wonder because I do hate myself, I know its not healthy, but I do, I always have.
When I was a kid I knew almost from the beginning I was "the mistake" that broke up my parents, I was the sickly kid who ruined their families lives, and I was the girl who never lived up to what everyone wanted me to be. I feel like I started this life off as a failure and just kept going down hill from there, I know it wasn't my fault my parents suck or that I was so sick as a kid, but it doesn't stop the way I see myself, the way I feel.
I know I often sound irrational, or hell even a little weird, its just how I feel, its what goes on in my mind all the time. I have never liked who I was, never. I have no memories of a moment where I found a positive thing in myself, I know there are some, hell look at my daughter, the rational part of my mind says there's good, but I just don't feel it.
I hate who I am with a deep down passion, I hate myself and it scares the hell out of me.
I have always been a quiet person, extremely shy and withdrawn. I have always been on the outside looking in, the one that never felt like they fit in, especially with their family. Growing up I never complained because I never wanted to rock the boat, I never spoke up because I never wanted the attention and I often hid how I felt so I could avoid the fallout from it. I had so many friends, but not one truly knew me, I keep to myself almost always.
I am telling you all this because I am so tired of walking around feeling so damn lost and hurting, I am trying so hard to get the help I need and to find all the positives within myself, but damn its hard.
Holidays suck, always have for me...but I am doing my damnedest to hide that fact from everyone in my life, I smile and go on...
Just needed to get that all out, I will probably post later, right now I am just a big ass mess :(
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Love
I have always wondered about the word love...I mean there are so many people out there that throw it around so easily. I know I throw it out there alot, I mean come on I love my Camilla bushes and all my fruit trees, I love Almond Rocha, and then there are the people in my life, my daughter (who is my heart and soul) Ken, Mom and so on...
My question is if you can ever use the word Love to much?
When I talk about my daughter to people I gush, I know I do, and they always act like I am a freak for doing so. I say I love her probably 20 to 40 times a day, my friend told me that a parent can over say it to their child, is that true? Ashley tells me she loves me first thing in the morning, when she leaves for school, randomly while hugging me, at night, if she leaves...and I never thought it was over used, I just enjoyed hearing it.
My friend told me that I was making her dependent on me and hearing those words, that by saying I love you to her so much she was going to be a needy adult, is she right?
I would like to think that a parent showing their love to a child would be a good thing, that you could never say it enough. I would hope that every child hears those words multiple times and that they themselves feel good enought to say them as well. I would hope expressing you love to a child could never be to much, i would hope that seeing my smart, independent child would be proof of that.
When I speak about my animals I say I love them, sure its not any where near the type of love I have for Ashley, but I do love them. I was told that saying that about a pet is wierd, that I am going to be the crazy lady down the street with all the animal children lol, I know that thats not true, but it makes me wonder.
My dogs are a huge part of my life, I spend more time with them everyday then my family. I enjoy goofing off with them, I enjoy cuddling with them, I can't get enough of their silly antics, is that wierd? I do love them, I am an animal lover, I absolutly love my goofy group of dogs!!!! I have a different bond with each of them, Puppers has been in my life for 13 years, hes grown up with my daughter, he was my brothers best friend before coming to live with me, he is my protector...Lady is 10 years old, she stole my heart from day one, she a happy go lucky cuddle bug who lives to please you, she goes everywhere with us...the puppies, Libby and Leia have rounded out my family, Leia is all about playing and being silly, shes my ADHD baby lol and Libby is my sweet natured, lovable girl who has so many of Puppers characteristics, she is my velcro puppy lol (stuck to my side like velcro). So is it wierd that I love them? I hope not.
Now don't get me wrong I don't love everyone, and I have never said I love you to a man without meaning it, hell I have only ever said it to 3 guys. I love Ken, I love him so much, its not a needy kinda love, like where you need that person to be whole or anything lol, but I love him because I want to be with him all the time, I look forward to our time togather.
I wonder how people view love, especialy since my friend brought it up, tellign em I say it to much to the people in my life? So can you say the word Love to much? I don't know...
Anywyas heres a pic to enjoy, its Tigger "Loving" Ashley lol. Tigger always wants to be with her lol, he even knocks on the door to come in to be with her lol
My question is if you can ever use the word Love to much?
When I talk about my daughter to people I gush, I know I do, and they always act like I am a freak for doing so. I say I love her probably 20 to 40 times a day, my friend told me that a parent can over say it to their child, is that true? Ashley tells me she loves me first thing in the morning, when she leaves for school, randomly while hugging me, at night, if she leaves...and I never thought it was over used, I just enjoyed hearing it.
My friend told me that I was making her dependent on me and hearing those words, that by saying I love you to her so much she was going to be a needy adult, is she right?
I would like to think that a parent showing their love to a child would be a good thing, that you could never say it enough. I would hope that every child hears those words multiple times and that they themselves feel good enought to say them as well. I would hope expressing you love to a child could never be to much, i would hope that seeing my smart, independent child would be proof of that.
When I speak about my animals I say I love them, sure its not any where near the type of love I have for Ashley, but I do love them. I was told that saying that about a pet is wierd, that I am going to be the crazy lady down the street with all the animal children lol, I know that thats not true, but it makes me wonder.
My dogs are a huge part of my life, I spend more time with them everyday then my family. I enjoy goofing off with them, I enjoy cuddling with them, I can't get enough of their silly antics, is that wierd? I do love them, I am an animal lover, I absolutly love my goofy group of dogs!!!! I have a different bond with each of them, Puppers has been in my life for 13 years, hes grown up with my daughter, he was my brothers best friend before coming to live with me, he is my protector...Lady is 10 years old, she stole my heart from day one, she a happy go lucky cuddle bug who lives to please you, she goes everywhere with us...the puppies, Libby and Leia have rounded out my family, Leia is all about playing and being silly, shes my ADHD baby lol and Libby is my sweet natured, lovable girl who has so many of Puppers characteristics, she is my velcro puppy lol (stuck to my side like velcro). So is it wierd that I love them? I hope not.
Now don't get me wrong I don't love everyone, and I have never said I love you to a man without meaning it, hell I have only ever said it to 3 guys. I love Ken, I love him so much, its not a needy kinda love, like where you need that person to be whole or anything lol, but I love him because I want to be with him all the time, I look forward to our time togather.
I wonder how people view love, especialy since my friend brought it up, tellign em I say it to much to the people in my life? So can you say the word Love to much? I don't know...
Anywyas heres a pic to enjoy, its Tigger "Loving" Ashley lol. Tigger always wants to be with her lol, he even knocks on the door to come in to be with her lol
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Saddness
Ever have one of those days when a silly comercial can make you break down and cry? Read an article about a new baby, or some poor critter being hurt...really just anything, and you just can't handle it? Well today is that day for me.
For a few days now I have not been ok, I have been on edge, sad and just plain not there, but today seems so much worse. Everything is making me cry, and I feel so damn hopeless. I know I fight with depression, I have for years, but I have never felt like this. Its probably the holidays and finances and well hell my love life, more than likely its all that and so much more.
I am not a holiday person, I hate the holidays. I try so hard to make everyone around me happy, to make sure their holidays are amazing, but inside I dread it, I always have. I have no amazing memories associated with holidays, no happy memories...well excep tfor the first few years with Ashley :) come on now a baby/toddlers excitment over presents is contagious...but my mind still remember so many bad things and I can't errase them.
This year their is so much stress going on, so much anger and resentment, so much pain and sadness, how the hell do you overcome all that. I have no clue, right now I just feel so inadequate, like I have single handedly let everyone down.
Ashley never asks for much, and thats the trueth,, she seldom asks for anything, and when she does its usually something small. For christmas her list isn't much at all, but we just can't do it. We want to, hell we want to give her the world, but this year has kicked our asses and left us hurting. What little money we had we spent while she was very sick, meds and all of that...ouch.
What am I getting Ken for christmas? Nothing. Sorry, the secrets out. I have no money at all so what we can come up with will go on Ash and the 2 of us, well we will be ok, we always are...
I hate that I can't work, I hate it so bad. i am a teacher, I have always wanted to be and worked so damn hard to get there, hell I had to drag my toddler to classes with me so that I could get my damn diploma in both high school and college. I specialized in toddlers with special needs, I love my job, my kids...I miss it so bad. When I started getting sick I ignored the pain and tried to hide all the other crap, but as it got worse I knew I was in trouble. The dizzy spells that made me ill all the time, hell I couldn't walk staright for years, the pain that left me unable to move...I was in bad shape, then the docs put a hold on my licence since ya can't drive when theres like 5 white lines where there used to be one.
I could live without driving, hell Ididn't get my license til I was 22 anyways lol...but then they said I couldn't work with the kids since I was unprodicatable, I could fall while holding them, or have to run out of the room to be sick, they gave me tons of what ifs, and I understand, but its all I know how to do, its all I ever wanted to do.
What the hell can a dizzy, sick in pain girl goona do? What job will be flexable forsomeone whos always sick? There are none, so I am on disability, and I get so little, if I didn't live with my mom and have Ken and her helping I wouldn't be able to do it. I get 550 a month, thats it. 500 goes to rent and utilities...yup that leaves me with 50 bucks a month to get the small things Ash and I need and all that.
My mom is a big help, she is, she helps with so much, so does Ken...but I never ask them for anything unless I truelly can't go without it. So I have pretty much nothing, and I am ok with that, always have been, but I hate it for Ashley. Don't get me wrong she is spoiled, everything she asks for Ken and I find a way to get, maybe not right then, but eventually...and my mom gets her alot of what she wants.
Christmas is just hard on all 3 of us adults, we have all been hit hard. I know I am babbling and being a cry baby, but damn it its my blog and I can whine if I want to :P
I am also still pretty pissed that Ken has his stupid ex on his myspace, I think if he respected me at all he wouldn't have done that, hell he wouldn't have lied and hid their previous corrispondence either. I don't know this woman, but I hate her, I hate her so much, and I am not all that happy with Ken right now either. Seems like theres always some girl or website that is in between us and frankly I am getting tired of it, I am so done with letting him hurt me...I am just tired of all his stupid games.
I am in a pissy mood today, a ahhh woah is me state of mind...its the holiday blues I tell ya...
Anyways I am off to finish cleanin the house, maybe we can put up the bed we got for us 6 months ago, thats been sitting int he garage...damn time flies
anyways I am off to do my daily crap lol
Happy holidays to you
Bahhh Humbug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For a few days now I have not been ok, I have been on edge, sad and just plain not there, but today seems so much worse. Everything is making me cry, and I feel so damn hopeless. I know I fight with depression, I have for years, but I have never felt like this. Its probably the holidays and finances and well hell my love life, more than likely its all that and so much more.
I am not a holiday person, I hate the holidays. I try so hard to make everyone around me happy, to make sure their holidays are amazing, but inside I dread it, I always have. I have no amazing memories associated with holidays, no happy memories...well excep tfor the first few years with Ashley :) come on now a baby/toddlers excitment over presents is contagious...but my mind still remember so many bad things and I can't errase them.
This year their is so much stress going on, so much anger and resentment, so much pain and sadness, how the hell do you overcome all that. I have no clue, right now I just feel so inadequate, like I have single handedly let everyone down.
Ashley never asks for much, and thats the trueth,, she seldom asks for anything, and when she does its usually something small. For christmas her list isn't much at all, but we just can't do it. We want to, hell we want to give her the world, but this year has kicked our asses and left us hurting. What little money we had we spent while she was very sick, meds and all of that...ouch.
What am I getting Ken for christmas? Nothing. Sorry, the secrets out. I have no money at all so what we can come up with will go on Ash and the 2 of us, well we will be ok, we always are...
I hate that I can't work, I hate it so bad. i am a teacher, I have always wanted to be and worked so damn hard to get there, hell I had to drag my toddler to classes with me so that I could get my damn diploma in both high school and college. I specialized in toddlers with special needs, I love my job, my kids...I miss it so bad. When I started getting sick I ignored the pain and tried to hide all the other crap, but as it got worse I knew I was in trouble. The dizzy spells that made me ill all the time, hell I couldn't walk staright for years, the pain that left me unable to move...I was in bad shape, then the docs put a hold on my licence since ya can't drive when theres like 5 white lines where there used to be one.
I could live without driving, hell Ididn't get my license til I was 22 anyways lol...but then they said I couldn't work with the kids since I was unprodicatable, I could fall while holding them, or have to run out of the room to be sick, they gave me tons of what ifs, and I understand, but its all I know how to do, its all I ever wanted to do.
What the hell can a dizzy, sick in pain girl goona do? What job will be flexable forsomeone whos always sick? There are none, so I am on disability, and I get so little, if I didn't live with my mom and have Ken and her helping I wouldn't be able to do it. I get 550 a month, thats it. 500 goes to rent and utilities...yup that leaves me with 50 bucks a month to get the small things Ash and I need and all that.
My mom is a big help, she is, she helps with so much, so does Ken...but I never ask them for anything unless I truelly can't go without it. So I have pretty much nothing, and I am ok with that, always have been, but I hate it for Ashley. Don't get me wrong she is spoiled, everything she asks for Ken and I find a way to get, maybe not right then, but eventually...and my mom gets her alot of what she wants.
Christmas is just hard on all 3 of us adults, we have all been hit hard. I know I am babbling and being a cry baby, but damn it its my blog and I can whine if I want to :P
I am also still pretty pissed that Ken has his stupid ex on his myspace, I think if he respected me at all he wouldn't have done that, hell he wouldn't have lied and hid their previous corrispondence either. I don't know this woman, but I hate her, I hate her so much, and I am not all that happy with Ken right now either. Seems like theres always some girl or website that is in between us and frankly I am getting tired of it, I am so done with letting him hurt me...I am just tired of all his stupid games.
I am in a pissy mood today, a ahhh woah is me state of mind...its the holiday blues I tell ya...
Anyways I am off to finish cleanin the house, maybe we can put up the bed we got for us 6 months ago, thats been sitting int he garage...damn time flies
anyways I am off to do my daily crap lol
Happy holidays to you
Bahhh Humbug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Christmas
Well we decorated the outside and put up our tree lol so its begining to look alot like christmas lol...
We had fun doing it, laughed alot...I think it helped us to get into the christmas spirit.
Ken and I still are feeling beyond guilty for the lack of funds for christmas presents, but we both know Ashley understands, things are just hard right now...
Ashley is feeling better, we ended up in the emergency room, she was just so sick and not getting any better. She is on antibiotics and all that, it is beyond expensive to have a sick kid now a days, the meds can kill a person, then there are the cough syrups, the lozengers the tons of liquid tylenol (that crap is freaking unreal, but her throat was so sore and swollen she couldn't swallow a pill). Its wierd that we had a small amount and now boom its gone...we will find a way to make christmas happen, it just will be small.
Its this time of the year I resent her father the most!!!! I hate that he is probably spoiling the kids he lives with (he has many kids and lives with the ones from his latest girlfriend or last I heard he was). I hate that he has never once helped out, I hate that he is such a stupid mean jerk that i truely never want her to have to face, but damn I wish he would man up and help out...
When Ashley was 2 he sent me a crazy letter and it had 5 bucks in it...he told me to buy Ash a toy with it and let her know it was from him...what a freak!!!! He was a mean man who hurt me so much in so many other ways...I never want to see him, I never want to face that kind of fear again, but I do resent the lack of support...but in he end we are all better off with out it!!!!
lol I know wierd rant...but it was just something on my mind...just a mommy feeling guilty for not being able to give her daughter all that she deserves...
Blah lol off to listen to christmas music to help get in the mood again lol...
take care all and remember to smile :) lol
We had fun doing it, laughed alot...I think it helped us to get into the christmas spirit.
Ken and I still are feeling beyond guilty for the lack of funds for christmas presents, but we both know Ashley understands, things are just hard right now...
Ashley is feeling better, we ended up in the emergency room, she was just so sick and not getting any better. She is on antibiotics and all that, it is beyond expensive to have a sick kid now a days, the meds can kill a person, then there are the cough syrups, the lozengers the tons of liquid tylenol (that crap is freaking unreal, but her throat was so sore and swollen she couldn't swallow a pill). Its wierd that we had a small amount and now boom its gone...we will find a way to make christmas happen, it just will be small.
Its this time of the year I resent her father the most!!!! I hate that he is probably spoiling the kids he lives with (he has many kids and lives with the ones from his latest girlfriend or last I heard he was). I hate that he has never once helped out, I hate that he is such a stupid mean jerk that i truely never want her to have to face, but damn I wish he would man up and help out...
When Ashley was 2 he sent me a crazy letter and it had 5 bucks in it...he told me to buy Ash a toy with it and let her know it was from him...what a freak!!!! He was a mean man who hurt me so much in so many other ways...I never want to see him, I never want to face that kind of fear again, but I do resent the lack of support...but in he end we are all better off with out it!!!!
lol I know wierd rant...but it was just something on my mind...just a mommy feeling guilty for not being able to give her daughter all that she deserves...
Blah lol off to listen to christmas music to help get in the mood again lol...
take care all and remember to smile :) lol
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Sick
I have been battling the flu for a few weeks now, unfortunatly now Ashley has it, and she has it bad.
It was about this time last year that she got really sick and we ended up in the hospital, this year we seem to be beating the fever, for now...for 3 days it was above 101.8, usually at 102.6. We have kept fluids in her, she is now holding down food, she was craving a beerock lol...her thrat is still sore and she has no voice, but as of this evening her fever was normal.
It is so hard to see your children sick, so hard to feel helpless in relieving their pain...it broke my heart everytie she coughed and cried, or everytime she was heaving so hard her whole body hurt...I feel helpless because I am so used to being able to fix things for her, or I try, but when shes sick...she is beyond sick, she never has a little cold, she gets pnemonia...everything hits her so hard.
Ashley was born with almost no imune system, she was so small...slowly her immune system started to kick in, she will never have a normal one, but at least she was able to go a year without being sick, thats huge...It worries me even more when shes sick because I don't know how its effecting the pseudo ceribral brain tumor, I don't know if its making it worse or if nt at all, so the doctor will be called Monday, stupid long holidays!!!!
I am hoping and praying she gets over this quickly...
__________________________________________________
Thanksgiving was nice, Ash was feeling bad, but the family was here and it was just nice to see my brother. David (my big brother) and his girlfriend Aubry were here, my grandparents and then my mom, Ken, Ash and I...it wasn't large, but it was nice. We all sat at he table togather, we laughed and talked...it was so nice, usually we spend this holiday at Kens parents, but this year Ash wanted to stay here, so we did, and I loved it :)
My Brother looked great, hes still pale and so skinny, but he was smiling...I always hope and pray that the docs were and are wrong about his outcome...I love him so much, without him I would never have survived my childhood, he was my protector, teacher, dad and the one who taught me all the fun tings to do to get in trouble lol...
______________________________________________
Everything else is ok...Ken and I are doing ok...I am hoping we can get over all the BS and just find that happy place lol...
One thing bothering me right now is his ex girlfriend on his myspace. The same one he shared those intimate phone calls he lied about, the emails that broke my heart, and now shes his friend on myspace...i wish he would just relieze how much hes hurting me all the dams time...
One day I was talking to his brother about her calling him and his brother told me she was Kens great love, that when she left him it nearly killed him, that he knows his brother would always love her...who the hell hurts another person like that? Who would tell someone that? I mean he saw I was hurting as it was, why watch me hurt more? I hate this woman I don't know. I hate that she came back into his life and talked all about their happy times, that she brought up all their shared intimacies...I hate her and I hate that he doesn't see how hes hurting me...I wish her no ill will, but I do wish a big ass hole would open up and swallow her and her family never to be heard from again...but not to be like hurt or anything lol...
Everytime I feel liek Ken and I are at the point were we can be happy something new happens, a new hurt...I am open with him, tell him everything...and alls he does is hide things and lie...ughhhh I wish he loved me the way I love him...
Who knows, maybe I am readig to much into it...I don't think so, but who knows....
_____________________________________________
Well I am off to watch TV and wait for Ashleys next set of asprins...every 4 hours, even at night...uhhh I am so tired lol
I hope everyone had an amazin Thanksgiving, a time spent with family and friends :)
It was about this time last year that she got really sick and we ended up in the hospital, this year we seem to be beating the fever, for now...for 3 days it was above 101.8, usually at 102.6. We have kept fluids in her, she is now holding down food, she was craving a beerock lol...her thrat is still sore and she has no voice, but as of this evening her fever was normal.
It is so hard to see your children sick, so hard to feel helpless in relieving their pain...it broke my heart everytie she coughed and cried, or everytime she was heaving so hard her whole body hurt...I feel helpless because I am so used to being able to fix things for her, or I try, but when shes sick...she is beyond sick, she never has a little cold, she gets pnemonia...everything hits her so hard.
Ashley was born with almost no imune system, she was so small...slowly her immune system started to kick in, she will never have a normal one, but at least she was able to go a year without being sick, thats huge...It worries me even more when shes sick because I don't know how its effecting the pseudo ceribral brain tumor, I don't know if its making it worse or if nt at all, so the doctor will be called Monday, stupid long holidays!!!!
I am hoping and praying she gets over this quickly...
__________________________________________________
Thanksgiving was nice, Ash was feeling bad, but the family was here and it was just nice to see my brother. David (my big brother) and his girlfriend Aubry were here, my grandparents and then my mom, Ken, Ash and I...it wasn't large, but it was nice. We all sat at he table togather, we laughed and talked...it was so nice, usually we spend this holiday at Kens parents, but this year Ash wanted to stay here, so we did, and I loved it :)
My Brother looked great, hes still pale and so skinny, but he was smiling...I always hope and pray that the docs were and are wrong about his outcome...I love him so much, without him I would never have survived my childhood, he was my protector, teacher, dad and the one who taught me all the fun tings to do to get in trouble lol...
______________________________________________
Everything else is ok...Ken and I are doing ok...I am hoping we can get over all the BS and just find that happy place lol...
One thing bothering me right now is his ex girlfriend on his myspace. The same one he shared those intimate phone calls he lied about, the emails that broke my heart, and now shes his friend on myspace...i wish he would just relieze how much hes hurting me all the dams time...
One day I was talking to his brother about her calling him and his brother told me she was Kens great love, that when she left him it nearly killed him, that he knows his brother would always love her...who the hell hurts another person like that? Who would tell someone that? I mean he saw I was hurting as it was, why watch me hurt more? I hate this woman I don't know. I hate that she came back into his life and talked all about their happy times, that she brought up all their shared intimacies...I hate her and I hate that he doesn't see how hes hurting me...I wish her no ill will, but I do wish a big ass hole would open up and swallow her and her family never to be heard from again...but not to be like hurt or anything lol...
Everytime I feel liek Ken and I are at the point were we can be happy something new happens, a new hurt...I am open with him, tell him everything...and alls he does is hide things and lie...ughhhh I wish he loved me the way I love him...
Who knows, maybe I am readig to much into it...I don't think so, but who knows....
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Well I am off to watch TV and wait for Ashleys next set of asprins...every 4 hours, even at night...uhhh I am so tired lol
I hope everyone had an amazin Thanksgiving, a time spent with family and friends :)
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
The Holidays
Well its that time of year again...blah
I am so tired of all the commercializing BS, hell they have had christmas stuff up since before Holloween...I guess its already burnt me out lol.
We are getting everything ready for Thanksgiving right now, bought all the food, got the house all nice and shinny lol...now we just gotta hope my brother is on time lol. I love the family part of holidays, getting to see all the people we unfortunatly only get to see during the holidays. I also like getting to see my family happy, listening to the stories and hearing the laughter...its the part I love...the part I hate is being broke and feeling like I am a bad mom cause I can't get the stuff Ash has asked for, not being able to get all the nieces and nephews toys...I just hate that its measured by money and not love :(
Ashley hasn't asked for much, she never does...its just getting so hard with the jump in our house payments, the truck payments, the fact that our energy and gas is through the roof...but we are managing to keep our heads above water, still sucks feeling like this.
As always Ashley and I have been goofing off and made our amazion wishlist lol...Ken always gets me something off of it (I want the cooking things lol) but we also noticed the things she wants are way cheaper on amazon right now lol. She just wants some RENT things and osme games and stuff, and we were having such a hard time finding the RENT things and the dream life game, so there we have it lol...now if only I could find a secret santa to get me my camera lol...nah I can live with out it lol...
Anyways I am off to help Ashley pack, shes staying the night at her friends...
Night All!!!!!
I am so tired of all the commercializing BS, hell they have had christmas stuff up since before Holloween...I guess its already burnt me out lol.
We are getting everything ready for Thanksgiving right now, bought all the food, got the house all nice and shinny lol...now we just gotta hope my brother is on time lol. I love the family part of holidays, getting to see all the people we unfortunatly only get to see during the holidays. I also like getting to see my family happy, listening to the stories and hearing the laughter...its the part I love...the part I hate is being broke and feeling like I am a bad mom cause I can't get the stuff Ash has asked for, not being able to get all the nieces and nephews toys...I just hate that its measured by money and not love :(
Ashley hasn't asked for much, she never does...its just getting so hard with the jump in our house payments, the truck payments, the fact that our energy and gas is through the roof...but we are managing to keep our heads above water, still sucks feeling like this.
As always Ashley and I have been goofing off and made our amazion wishlist lol...Ken always gets me something off of it (I want the cooking things lol) but we also noticed the things she wants are way cheaper on amazon right now lol. She just wants some RENT things and osme games and stuff, and we were having such a hard time finding the RENT things and the dream life game, so there we have it lol...now if only I could find a secret santa to get me my camera lol...nah I can live with out it lol...
Anyways I am off to help Ashley pack, shes staying the night at her friends...
Night All!!!!!
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Life
Ohhhh I am so tired...still no real sleep. Maybe someday lol, even the sleeping pills don't work.
I go to the docs tomorrow for a physical, ughhhh I hate the docs and I hate all the crap I have to always go through...I am so tired of being sick all the time, tired of the pain and the horrid headache. Anyways I hope she at least gives me something new for the pain.
I took a great picture of Puppers the other day, he looks so cute....
I photoshopped it, kept just his eyes and tongue colored lol...if you look close you can see my reflection in his eyes :)
Yes I am a little obsessed with my dogs...lol I am an animal person, what can I say. I miss the Pups being tiny and able to lay in my lap without smashing me lol...now they are the size of Puppers and they are only 9 months lol...
for the size comparisson lol
This is Libby
This is Leia
and of course Little Lady
My whole day is all about the dogs lol...I wake up at 5 am to get the older 2 out, they go out for 15 min to do their thing before the pups jump all over them, I bring the older ones in and feed them, then out goes the Puppies and their food, they don't come in til' 6:45...then they are back out at 7:30 til 9...and then out again at 12 til 3....then out again from 5-6...then Ken gets home and we both go out with them from 7-9 or 10. They can't be left out alone because we live in the hood and people hurt dogs, and they will eat all my bushes lol. So as you can see I need a break, a big ass break lol.
Ashley got her report card today and of course all A's :) I am so so so proud of her. She works so hard for her grades, then you add all the volunteer work she does and we have one hell of a kid :)
I wish there was more I could do for her, you know as a celebration for her hard work...I would love to get her the game she wants (mysims for the wii) but the budget doesn't allow for it lol...so I think we will take her and her friends to the park or the lake...I don't know yet.
Well as its 11 pm here I am going to go watch TV and take Puppers out before he goes to bed (old guy doesn't hold it as long anymore lol).
Night All!!!!!!!
I go to the docs tomorrow for a physical, ughhhh I hate the docs and I hate all the crap I have to always go through...I am so tired of being sick all the time, tired of the pain and the horrid headache. Anyways I hope she at least gives me something new for the pain.
I took a great picture of Puppers the other day, he looks so cute....
I photoshopped it, kept just his eyes and tongue colored lol...if you look close you can see my reflection in his eyes :)
Yes I am a little obsessed with my dogs...lol I am an animal person, what can I say. I miss the Pups being tiny and able to lay in my lap without smashing me lol...now they are the size of Puppers and they are only 9 months lol...
for the size comparisson lol
This is Libby
This is Leia
and of course Little Lady
My whole day is all about the dogs lol...I wake up at 5 am to get the older 2 out, they go out for 15 min to do their thing before the pups jump all over them, I bring the older ones in and feed them, then out goes the Puppies and their food, they don't come in til' 6:45...then they are back out at 7:30 til 9...and then out again at 12 til 3....then out again from 5-6...then Ken gets home and we both go out with them from 7-9 or 10. They can't be left out alone because we live in the hood and people hurt dogs, and they will eat all my bushes lol. So as you can see I need a break, a big ass break lol.
Ashley got her report card today and of course all A's :) I am so so so proud of her. She works so hard for her grades, then you add all the volunteer work she does and we have one hell of a kid :)
I wish there was more I could do for her, you know as a celebration for her hard work...I would love to get her the game she wants (mysims for the wii) but the budget doesn't allow for it lol...so I think we will take her and her friends to the park or the lake...I don't know yet.
Well as its 11 pm here I am going to go watch TV and take Puppers out before he goes to bed (old guy doesn't hold it as long anymore lol).
Night All!!!!!!!
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Happy Halloween
I know I am a day late, but the sentiment still stands :)
We had a pretty good night, took Ashley and her friend Trick-or-treating...they had fun, we also took Brado and his friend (Kens little nephew) and so at the end of the night Ash gave all her candy to him lol. We walked forever...but it was nice.
here are the girls
They looked so adorable...Leslie was a pirate wench and Ash was the Lady Pirate Captain lol...yes my daughter is a little obsessed with Pirates lol.
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Life is what it is...moving on and all that...I still feel like crap but its all ok.
We are putting in alot of cement blocks in the backyard, we are creating a walk way through the garden and then paving the whole area in front of the Shed...thats over 200 paving stones and so so so many bags of sand...my back is killing me...and to think next we are building a wall 2 stones high (special stones that interlock to finish off the look) all the way around the garden...oyyyyyy its gonna kill me.
All my beautiful flowers are crap...we had a huge wierd storm with some serious hail and it damaged everything...so we are now in the clean up phase. My poor Orange trees leaves are all broken, it will take alot of pampering to keep it healthy. Kens Tomatos took a betaing as well...
We are hoping that by next year the yard will be just about where we want it...we have been doing landscaping non stop for months lol...but we still have a ways to go. I want it to be relaxing and serene while we sit out there, even gonna get the fire pit...We spend over 12 hours a day out there with the dogs so we want it to be nice while we are out there lol.
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Thank you all for the Birthday wishes :)
I hope everyone is doing good :) and remember to smile at someone...always makes me smile when a stranger smiles at me :)
We had a pretty good night, took Ashley and her friend Trick-or-treating...they had fun, we also took Brado and his friend (Kens little nephew) and so at the end of the night Ash gave all her candy to him lol. We walked forever...but it was nice.
here are the girls
They looked so adorable...Leslie was a pirate wench and Ash was the Lady Pirate Captain lol...yes my daughter is a little obsessed with Pirates lol.
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Life is what it is...moving on and all that...I still feel like crap but its all ok.
We are putting in alot of cement blocks in the backyard, we are creating a walk way through the garden and then paving the whole area in front of the Shed...thats over 200 paving stones and so so so many bags of sand...my back is killing me...and to think next we are building a wall 2 stones high (special stones that interlock to finish off the look) all the way around the garden...oyyyyyy its gonna kill me.
All my beautiful flowers are crap...we had a huge wierd storm with some serious hail and it damaged everything...so we are now in the clean up phase. My poor Orange trees leaves are all broken, it will take alot of pampering to keep it healthy. Kens Tomatos took a betaing as well...
We are hoping that by next year the yard will be just about where we want it...we have been doing landscaping non stop for months lol...but we still have a ways to go. I want it to be relaxing and serene while we sit out there, even gonna get the fire pit...We spend over 12 hours a day out there with the dogs so we want it to be nice while we are out there lol.
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Thank you all for the Birthday wishes :)
I hope everyone is doing good :) and remember to smile at someone...always makes me smile when a stranger smiles at me :)
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Sleep Deprived
Well last weekend was my birthday, I am officially older than I was before lol...32.
We spent the day at the lake with the puppies and Ash and her friend...it was nice...we were able to get out of the ouse, get the puppies out in the world and just relax and have fun. Ashley and her friend got some fishing in and they wore the puppies out lol...they ran them back and forth up a huge hill. It was just a nice day :)
The fires here in SoCal are bad...really bad. I know they are making headway now, but its still pretty bad. My dad lives where the fires were at near Santa Barbra and I have tried to get in touch with him to no avail. I worry about that old man to much. So many people have lost everything...I could not imagine what that would be like...so many animals lost or roaming hurt. Its so so bad...the air quality is horrid where I live and I live a good distance, so I know the people there are not doing good at all...please keep all of them in your thoughts and prayers, human and animal alike.
Ken and I....well I don't know. I am still at the hurt place, the one where I withdraw to...its so hard on me becuase I am so unsure of what to do, and no we have yet to really get it all out there...I am such a fuckin chicken.
Ashley has been doing amazing as always. her grades are all A's again :) and she is thriving. She is forever either at a friends or in her room with one or all of her friends...I love it. Funny thing is I am the cool mom. Don't get me wrong I have rules, but the kids seem to love that I have rules lol...First thing they all must do is their homework...and I check all of theirs...then they all help with playing with the pups(its my 1 hour away from the silly goof balls lol) and then Ash must make sure her chores are done and the rest of the day is theirs lol (Ash has few chores lol mostly just her room type ones)
Ashley and I have decided its time for her to take on more responsibility and so we have gone over a chore list, but its not finished yet. She wants to do chores, adn I am all for it, but I don't want her to take on to many and have her school work suffer. So we will start small and go from there...as for doing it for money...no, I believe she should do it because she is part of this family and should help out, but she will get an allowance every other week for lunch snacks and such as she always has...yeah my girl is spoiled lol.
The puppies are doing amazingly lol...they are doing so good on learning their commands and Leia is really starting to calm down a little lol. Libby is my baby, she is so sweet and calm and learns so fast, she is so perfect, Leia I have to work with alot, but trust me I love that silly wigglybutt lol. I go out with all 4 dogs at 4-5 am and they eat do their business and play til' 6:45 then we come in, get Ash ready for school and say bye to them...then I am back out with the pups for another hour to tire them out lol...then we come in, I get to rest maybe or do some work, then at 10:30 or 11 they start telling me its time to go out again lol...so we go out till 12 or 1...from there they come in again, I get laundry done or whatever and then they go back out at 3 til 4 and then back out at 6 or 7 til' about 10...so as you see my day is pretty much all about the dogs lol. The last few days Ken has given me a break in the evenings...he has sat with them at night for the most part, but I so needed a puppy break.
Puppers and Lady are now doing great with the pups...they no longer shut them out, they play with them lol...especially Puppers...he loves to play fetch...so I throw the ball and he fetches, then the puppies ambush him and take the toy and bring it to me to start all over again lol...yeah I am a crazy dog lady lol...as soon as the pups are older and fixed and all that I will be able to spend less tiem with them outside...but till then I really don't mind to much, that is on days where I at least get 2 hours of sleep lol.
Well anyways I have rambled enough, its 12 at night so I am gonna go watch a movie...I hope all of you out there are safe and happy :)
We spent the day at the lake with the puppies and Ash and her friend...it was nice...we were able to get out of the ouse, get the puppies out in the world and just relax and have fun. Ashley and her friend got some fishing in and they wore the puppies out lol...they ran them back and forth up a huge hill. It was just a nice day :)
The fires here in SoCal are bad...really bad. I know they are making headway now, but its still pretty bad. My dad lives where the fires were at near Santa Barbra and I have tried to get in touch with him to no avail. I worry about that old man to much. So many people have lost everything...I could not imagine what that would be like...so many animals lost or roaming hurt. Its so so bad...the air quality is horrid where I live and I live a good distance, so I know the people there are not doing good at all...please keep all of them in your thoughts and prayers, human and animal alike.
Ken and I....well I don't know. I am still at the hurt place, the one where I withdraw to...its so hard on me becuase I am so unsure of what to do, and no we have yet to really get it all out there...I am such a fuckin chicken.
Ashley has been doing amazing as always. her grades are all A's again :) and she is thriving. She is forever either at a friends or in her room with one or all of her friends...I love it. Funny thing is I am the cool mom. Don't get me wrong I have rules, but the kids seem to love that I have rules lol...First thing they all must do is their homework...and I check all of theirs...then they all help with playing with the pups(its my 1 hour away from the silly goof balls lol) and then Ash must make sure her chores are done and the rest of the day is theirs lol (Ash has few chores lol mostly just her room type ones)
Ashley and I have decided its time for her to take on more responsibility and so we have gone over a chore list, but its not finished yet. She wants to do chores, adn I am all for it, but I don't want her to take on to many and have her school work suffer. So we will start small and go from there...as for doing it for money...no, I believe she should do it because she is part of this family and should help out, but she will get an allowance every other week for lunch snacks and such as she always has...yeah my girl is spoiled lol.
The puppies are doing amazingly lol...they are doing so good on learning their commands and Leia is really starting to calm down a little lol. Libby is my baby, she is so sweet and calm and learns so fast, she is so perfect, Leia I have to work with alot, but trust me I love that silly wigglybutt lol. I go out with all 4 dogs at 4-5 am and they eat do their business and play til' 6:45 then we come in, get Ash ready for school and say bye to them...then I am back out with the pups for another hour to tire them out lol...then we come in, I get to rest maybe or do some work, then at 10:30 or 11 they start telling me its time to go out again lol...so we go out till 12 or 1...from there they come in again, I get laundry done or whatever and then they go back out at 3 til 4 and then back out at 6 or 7 til' about 10...so as you see my day is pretty much all about the dogs lol. The last few days Ken has given me a break in the evenings...he has sat with them at night for the most part, but I so needed a puppy break.
Puppers and Lady are now doing great with the pups...they no longer shut them out, they play with them lol...especially Puppers...he loves to play fetch...so I throw the ball and he fetches, then the puppies ambush him and take the toy and bring it to me to start all over again lol...yeah I am a crazy dog lady lol...as soon as the pups are older and fixed and all that I will be able to spend less tiem with them outside...but till then I really don't mind to much, that is on days where I at least get 2 hours of sleep lol.
Well anyways I have rambled enough, its 12 at night so I am gonna go watch a movie...I hope all of you out there are safe and happy :)
Thursday, October 18, 2007
My heart hurts
I am once again going to write all about my love life...and I am so sorry, but I am hurting and I need an outlet.
For months I have writen about how I felt Ken and I were drifting apart, I felt he was always angry at me, talked down to me daily without even realizing he was. I felt like there was something between us and it felt hopeless...
This last weekend we had an amazing time togather, we laughed alot, talked, held each other...it felt right, like we were finally getting back to the place that I felt loved and safe...
Until last night.
See as many know I have insomnia, so I tend to screw around on the computer trying to kill time, I am always googling people lol...its funny what comes up. Until you see something thats just wrong. A personal ad on a sex site, an ad that is your man, with a pic you took of him...thats how I know its recent, cause I took the pic not to long ago, it was at the race track when he was racing...there he was, looking for sex...
Why am I not enough? I wrote an email to him, sent it...then went to his email and deleted it, I did this a few times...he still has no clue. Today I was sitting here torn up and hurting and so so so pissed...I deleted his profile, and now I feel like I am in the wrong for doing so...damn am I a mixed up person.
He and I have had this same problem before...and I bought the line he gave me, it destroyed my self image, but I let it go, forgave him, and we moved on. And now once again here it is, same scenario and pain.
I know I have not met his needs as often for a little while now, hell I have been so sick, the pain of just being touched has been almost unbearable, but even at my sickest I was there for him and I tried to hide the pain and make him smile...I feel like I failed him and this is what I get for it. But damn it why the hell doesn't he just leave me if he wants something else, I am so so so tired of being hurt, confused and just generally fucked up...
Could this all be a misunderstanding, no I don't think so...the email he used was his secret myway one so that also points out its recent...
I keep sending him the email letting him know how I feel, I keep sending it hoping he can make me understand what the hell is up, but I then run and delete it. I am a stupid coward...I am so damn afraid of what he will say, so afraid that its all on me, that hes repulsed by my fat body, by how sick I have been...I am afraid that maybe hes not the man I have always thoought he was, I am afraid I will lose him, I am afraid of him just plain not loving me...I am just afraid.
I never wanted to fall in love with Ken...hell he is my polar opposite. first night I met him I thought he looked like such a nerd, so different from any guy I would ever go for...but he made me laugh, my little girl adored him, and he made me feel beautiful...then he moved to San Fransisco to go to school, and man did we fall apart. he had a personal ad at that time to...with all his updated info...he hung out with this nasty ass fat chick who was a bitch to me and called her his sugar mama...he broke my heart so bad...
I got asked out all the time, and hell a guy friend of mine came over all the time while Ken was gone, but I never ever ever crossed any line, Ken had my heart...I was always honest, told him everything...but he never gave that honesty back to me...when he came back, we reconnected and I thought things were ok...then the adult site came up...he said it was old, that it was before us (and even though I knew different due to the info on it) I bought his explination or I excepted it.
Things were ok after that, we were always togather, we laughed all the time...we had reconnected, we had talked and talked and we were able to move past it...
But come on now...again? this is just not cool...this is wrong.
I tell him everything, I reach out to him all the time...I try so hard to be there for him all the time, hell I even keep my mouth shut when hes treating me like shit or snapping at me. I try so hard to be supportive and understanding...not unloading any of my problems on him so that I don't add to his stress...but he never goes out of his way for me, he never makes me feel special anymore...this last weekend I thought we were finding our way back togather, we reconnected, or so I thought...
anyways I needed a place to vent, rant and just get it out, I could be wrong and things will be ok, or I could be right and its over...I just needed an outlet for all the shit in my head...and please don't judge me for forgiving him, I love him, and I do think we are a strong couple, we just have hit a few orugh patches...I don't know where were going, but I do know I will love him with all my heart forever.
For months I have writen about how I felt Ken and I were drifting apart, I felt he was always angry at me, talked down to me daily without even realizing he was. I felt like there was something between us and it felt hopeless...
This last weekend we had an amazing time togather, we laughed alot, talked, held each other...it felt right, like we were finally getting back to the place that I felt loved and safe...
Until last night.
See as many know I have insomnia, so I tend to screw around on the computer trying to kill time, I am always googling people lol...its funny what comes up. Until you see something thats just wrong. A personal ad on a sex site, an ad that is your man, with a pic you took of him...thats how I know its recent, cause I took the pic not to long ago, it was at the race track when he was racing...there he was, looking for sex...
Why am I not enough? I wrote an email to him, sent it...then went to his email and deleted it, I did this a few times...he still has no clue. Today I was sitting here torn up and hurting and so so so pissed...I deleted his profile, and now I feel like I am in the wrong for doing so...damn am I a mixed up person.
He and I have had this same problem before...and I bought the line he gave me, it destroyed my self image, but I let it go, forgave him, and we moved on. And now once again here it is, same scenario and pain.
I know I have not met his needs as often for a little while now, hell I have been so sick, the pain of just being touched has been almost unbearable, but even at my sickest I was there for him and I tried to hide the pain and make him smile...I feel like I failed him and this is what I get for it. But damn it why the hell doesn't he just leave me if he wants something else, I am so so so tired of being hurt, confused and just generally fucked up...
Could this all be a misunderstanding, no I don't think so...the email he used was his secret myway one so that also points out its recent...
I keep sending him the email letting him know how I feel, I keep sending it hoping he can make me understand what the hell is up, but I then run and delete it. I am a stupid coward...I am so damn afraid of what he will say, so afraid that its all on me, that hes repulsed by my fat body, by how sick I have been...I am afraid that maybe hes not the man I have always thoought he was, I am afraid I will lose him, I am afraid of him just plain not loving me...I am just afraid.
I never wanted to fall in love with Ken...hell he is my polar opposite. first night I met him I thought he looked like such a nerd, so different from any guy I would ever go for...but he made me laugh, my little girl adored him, and he made me feel beautiful...then he moved to San Fransisco to go to school, and man did we fall apart. he had a personal ad at that time to...with all his updated info...he hung out with this nasty ass fat chick who was a bitch to me and called her his sugar mama...he broke my heart so bad...
I got asked out all the time, and hell a guy friend of mine came over all the time while Ken was gone, but I never ever ever crossed any line, Ken had my heart...I was always honest, told him everything...but he never gave that honesty back to me...when he came back, we reconnected and I thought things were ok...then the adult site came up...he said it was old, that it was before us (and even though I knew different due to the info on it) I bought his explination or I excepted it.
Things were ok after that, we were always togather, we laughed all the time...we had reconnected, we had talked and talked and we were able to move past it...
But come on now...again? this is just not cool...this is wrong.
I tell him everything, I reach out to him all the time...I try so hard to be there for him all the time, hell I even keep my mouth shut when hes treating me like shit or snapping at me. I try so hard to be supportive and understanding...not unloading any of my problems on him so that I don't add to his stress...but he never goes out of his way for me, he never makes me feel special anymore...this last weekend I thought we were finding our way back togather, we reconnected, or so I thought...
anyways I needed a place to vent, rant and just get it out, I could be wrong and things will be ok, or I could be right and its over...I just needed an outlet for all the shit in my head...and please don't judge me for forgiving him, I love him, and I do think we are a strong couple, we just have hit a few orugh patches...I don't know where were going, but I do know I will love him with all my heart forever.
Monday, October 15, 2007
B.B. King...Amazing
Le me tell you...the concert was amazing...
He told stories behind his songs and stories of his life, it was so cool. The music was as always amazing!!!!! It was one of those amazing nights all around...Ken took me to diner, just the 2 of us...it was so nice, we talked, flirted...then the concert...come on now, who can listen to the Kings songs and voice and not get a little bit ummm happy lol...I just could not have invisioned a better night out :) and man did we need it, we need more of them...
We had a blast at the fair...the girls laughed non-stop the whole time lol. They rode rides, and let me tell you, my daughter had never riden a fair ride :), sure shes been to Disneyland more times than most kids, riden all those rollar coasters, but the rides at fairs are way more extrem and scary lol...she had a blast.
Played all the games, won the girls a ton of stuff...Ashley likes popping the balloons best just like I do lol...
We ate alot...beerocks, curly fry bricks...corn dogs and fried avacados...lol it was all very good.
I got to see my best friend from high school, it was so nice...I miss her so much, but we both have such busy lives. She has a husband and 4 kids, a full time job and then theres me...lol I may not work, but trust me my day is full from start to finish. She made me laugh as always, I think thats why we were inseperable for way way over 10 years...we made each other laugh all the time, and hell we never got in 1 fight lol. We have been best friends since 7th grade...we only started to see less of each other 12 years ago...but maybe that will change now.
It was just a great day as well...
Yesterday we took Ash and Lesly to the mountains...we went to Shaver Lake, Huntington Lake and then Lost Lake lol...they explored everything, played in the water, and wore themselves out lol. I took alot of pics so I will post them next time.
So as you can see we had an amazing weekend...we laughed alot, got closer than we have been in months and as a family we got to spend some amazing quality time togather. We all needed the time away, the time togather and the down time from all the stress...best part was Ken got to turn off his phone and not sweat anything at all...so he was able to unwind and relax...
I hope we get more weekends like this one...maybe not every weekend but maybe 2 a month would be great...I love getting away from the house.
He told stories behind his songs and stories of his life, it was so cool. The music was as always amazing!!!!! It was one of those amazing nights all around...Ken took me to diner, just the 2 of us...it was so nice, we talked, flirted...then the concert...come on now, who can listen to the Kings songs and voice and not get a little bit ummm happy lol...I just could not have invisioned a better night out :) and man did we need it, we need more of them...
We had a blast at the fair...the girls laughed non-stop the whole time lol. They rode rides, and let me tell you, my daughter had never riden a fair ride :), sure shes been to Disneyland more times than most kids, riden all those rollar coasters, but the rides at fairs are way more extrem and scary lol...she had a blast.
Played all the games, won the girls a ton of stuff...Ashley likes popping the balloons best just like I do lol...
We ate alot...beerocks, curly fry bricks...corn dogs and fried avacados...lol it was all very good.
I got to see my best friend from high school, it was so nice...I miss her so much, but we both have such busy lives. She has a husband and 4 kids, a full time job and then theres me...lol I may not work, but trust me my day is full from start to finish. She made me laugh as always, I think thats why we were inseperable for way way over 10 years...we made each other laugh all the time, and hell we never got in 1 fight lol. We have been best friends since 7th grade...we only started to see less of each other 12 years ago...but maybe that will change now.
It was just a great day as well...
Yesterday we took Ash and Lesly to the mountains...we went to Shaver Lake, Huntington Lake and then Lost Lake lol...they explored everything, played in the water, and wore themselves out lol. I took alot of pics so I will post them next time.
So as you can see we had an amazing weekend...we laughed alot, got closer than we have been in months and as a family we got to spend some amazing quality time togather. We all needed the time away, the time togather and the down time from all the stress...best part was Ken got to turn off his phone and not sweat anything at all...so he was able to unwind and relax...
I hope we get more weekends like this one...maybe not every weekend but maybe 2 a month would be great...I love getting away from the house.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
WoooHoooo
Tomorrow we are taking Ashley to the fair
She loves going lol...we are gonna ride all the rides, play all the games and get sick with to much greesy food lol.
We are going to take her out of school early so we get there when it opens...it closes on Sunday...you know how it goes, had to wait till pay day lol.
Saturday I am going to see my all time favorite B.B. King
Ken took me to see him when he was at the baseball stadium a few years ago...let me tell you...seeing him play in person is amazing...the passion and true love he has for his music is so cool...I am so excited. Its my birthday present :) yup thats right in a few days I will be even older lol.
Man things here are still hectic as hell, and I am still trying to get used to this new layout lol...I wish I could get the regular comments on here but somehow when the layout was made they forgot that code...but the comment section I have now is pretty cool...I copied the idea from Lois Lane lol.
Ashley is still taking loosing her cat pretty hard...she loves cats, but when you have a house full of dogs and fish its hard to get a cat...when we do we will need a kitten so it can get used to our crazy house.
Anyways I am off to do more laundry...I do 15 to 20 loads a week...damn Ashley has to many clothes lol
She loves going lol...we are gonna ride all the rides, play all the games and get sick with to much greesy food lol.
We are going to take her out of school early so we get there when it opens...it closes on Sunday...you know how it goes, had to wait till pay day lol.
Saturday I am going to see my all time favorite B.B. King
Ken took me to see him when he was at the baseball stadium a few years ago...let me tell you...seeing him play in person is amazing...the passion and true love he has for his music is so cool...I am so excited. Its my birthday present :) yup thats right in a few days I will be even older lol.
Man things here are still hectic as hell, and I am still trying to get used to this new layout lol...I wish I could get the regular comments on here but somehow when the layout was made they forgot that code...but the comment section I have now is pretty cool...I copied the idea from Lois Lane lol.
Ashley is still taking loosing her cat pretty hard...she loves cats, but when you have a house full of dogs and fish its hard to get a cat...when we do we will need a kitten so it can get used to our crazy house.
Anyways I am off to do more laundry...I do 15 to 20 loads a week...damn Ashley has to many clothes lol
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Not To Good At This
ok so I am trying to change the look of this blog here lol and I am having the worst time...
I know alot of the old picture links are broke...thats cause I rearranged my photobucket, trying to make it easier for me to add new pics to it and keep it organized. So just bare with me here as I give this layout a chance.
I also changed my comment style...because I couldn't get the damn comment thing to show up lol so I went with the comment style that many of my friends use...so lets hope it works lol.
Life has been crazy...good and bad...and just blah.
We have evil bitchy crappy ass neighbors that we all hate...well they sunk to a new low. There are well over 500 strays where we live (country life I tell ya) well they came over here with a cushin filled with pee saying our cat Toast did it...they went nuts...we knew it wasn't TOast...he has never done that...well because of threats they made to hurt him we took him to a rescue...talk about heart breaking...Ash was crying so hard, I was a mess...we saved Toast when he was hit by a car, Ash loved him so much...but he couldn't come in because he was afraid of my dogs :( ...now we are all hoping he finds the home he deserves...but I am so making the neighbors life hell.
The day after they made us get rid of toast the wicked bitch was out cleaning her plastic furniture cause a cat peed on it...Toast was vindicated, only to late (I called the rescue and he was adopted out). When Ash was little they broke her bike, barbi jeep, basketball court and stole her coat, and then wore it in front of us...they are horrid people I tall ya...
anyways it has now been a small war over here that trust me I will win in the long run, I am pretty patient...hell the husband has already come over here and appologized to me...
See when we had to drive Toast to the rescue (not shelter) it was just the last thing I could take...I lost 4 older loved pets in the last 4 years...my daughter was so hurt...Seeing your child cry as hard as my daughter did would break your heart to...she was shaking and crying...she is supposed to have no stress because of the tumor...I guess I just need someone to take my anger out on and well hell they deserve it...
Toast was a good kitty, he never left the yard...he was either at the door, on the roof or in the bed of the truck...he would run to Ashley, play silly hide and seek games with her...she needed him after loosing Mama...I just hate that she had to be hurt again..
[IMG]http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y205/SimplyMeCarie/cats/toast5.jpg[/IMG]
On to other things...I have strep throat...bluh I feel icky, but I am on meds so hopefully its almost gone...
Ash has done 8 hours of volunteer work in 2 weeks and has 10 more planned for this next week...she worked so hard, my sweet girl
And as always Ken works to much lol
Bye all
I know alot of the old picture links are broke...thats cause I rearranged my photobucket, trying to make it easier for me to add new pics to it and keep it organized. So just bare with me here as I give this layout a chance.
I also changed my comment style...because I couldn't get the damn comment thing to show up lol so I went with the comment style that many of my friends use...so lets hope it works lol.
Life has been crazy...good and bad...and just blah.
We have evil bitchy crappy ass neighbors that we all hate...well they sunk to a new low. There are well over 500 strays where we live (country life I tell ya) well they came over here with a cushin filled with pee saying our cat Toast did it...they went nuts...we knew it wasn't TOast...he has never done that...well because of threats they made to hurt him we took him to a rescue...talk about heart breaking...Ash was crying so hard, I was a mess...we saved Toast when he was hit by a car, Ash loved him so much...but he couldn't come in because he was afraid of my dogs :( ...now we are all hoping he finds the home he deserves...but I am so making the neighbors life hell.
The day after they made us get rid of toast the wicked bitch was out cleaning her plastic furniture cause a cat peed on it...Toast was vindicated, only to late (I called the rescue and he was adopted out). When Ash was little they broke her bike, barbi jeep, basketball court and stole her coat, and then wore it in front of us...they are horrid people I tall ya...
anyways it has now been a small war over here that trust me I will win in the long run, I am pretty patient...hell the husband has already come over here and appologized to me...
See when we had to drive Toast to the rescue (not shelter) it was just the last thing I could take...I lost 4 older loved pets in the last 4 years...my daughter was so hurt...Seeing your child cry as hard as my daughter did would break your heart to...she was shaking and crying...she is supposed to have no stress because of the tumor...I guess I just need someone to take my anger out on and well hell they deserve it...
Toast was a good kitty, he never left the yard...he was either at the door, on the roof or in the bed of the truck...he would run to Ashley, play silly hide and seek games with her...she needed him after loosing Mama...I just hate that she had to be hurt again..
[IMG]http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y205/SimplyMeCarie/cats/toast5.jpg[/IMG]
On to other things...I have strep throat...bluh I feel icky, but I am on meds so hopefully its almost gone...
Ash has done 8 hours of volunteer work in 2 weeks and has 10 more planned for this next week...she worked so hard, my sweet girl
And as always Ken works to much lol
Bye all
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Life is What it is
ok first we will start of with the pictures lol...heres the link in case you want to see all of them.
Ok so on to the rest of my life lol...
well we are having a big garbage day (they let you put all the crap in your garage and such on the curb, huge mountains of stuff lol to be taken away for free) and man did we work our asses off. Ken and I cleaned the garage (it was so so so bad) and it took us forever. Our garage was like a large dump lol...everything we didn't want ended up in there. Now the car will fit in so nice, there is no clutter...its so clean...we even cleaned out the laundry room. Now everything is organized and all shiny lol.
Ashley is doing good in school as always. She is so funny, always makes me laugh lol. Lately she has been going off with her friends more, and man do I miss her. She is in a club at school and its alot of work for all of us lol. With all the hours she has had since elementry school she is way way way ahead of the others lol. She loves the club because it allows her to give back, she also loves it because she is already thinking of college lol. She is so smart, I have never had to tell her or ask her to do her homework, its the first thing she does. She also loves to write, she writes amazing short stories, she has also gotten into a form of roleplaying (shes my little nerd lol) she loves to write the naratives...people are blown away by how well she writes and how much she puts into her stuff (I know everything she does on the computer lol we got the program that emails me all the time to let me know lol). Her role playing is always about harry potter lol. She is just my amazingly sweet, silly girl.
Ken is still working his ass off and coming home cranky. I know he is stressed out at work, I just wish he didn't treat me like shit all the time. I miss the spark he used to get in his eyes when he looked at me...the special smile he flashed...its been months since I have seen either. We used to lay in bed and talk all the time, laughing and being silly...that hasn't happend in a year. I just really miss the sloseness we used to have. I hope that if he wants out he lets me know...otherwise I hope he starts treating me with love. I love him so mich, but if I make him unhappy then I want him to tell me...before he looks elsewhere. I miss my silly man so much.
I am still beyond tired, healing from surgery and just mentally dead.
my dogs are doing great :) they always make me smile...all 4 of them. Sure the Puppies do silly things that make me wonder what the hell were they thinking, but I am one of those realistic thinkers who knows puppies will be puppies and just clean it up lol. Puppers isn't foing to good, he is having alot of trouble getting up (bad arthritis in his back legs) and falls fequently when playing. We have him on a special diet, vitamin supplements and pain relievers, I just am not rady to loose him, hes my best friend...the one that makes all the bad things in the world melt away...hes my cuddler, the one I tend to talk to alot lol (yeah I might be crazy) he is very important to me...
My mom is still driving me nuts, but lately she has backed off a little in her meanness...but she still finds new ways to hurt me...man she can be cruel. But she is who she is, and I love her anyways lol.
Ughhhh well I have so so so much more I want to say, but I am tired and I need to take all my pills...miss you all much and I will comment you all later :)
Night
well we are having a big garbage day (they let you put all the crap in your garage and such on the curb, huge mountains of stuff lol to be taken away for free) and man did we work our asses off. Ken and I cleaned the garage (it was so so so bad) and it took us forever. Our garage was like a large dump lol...everything we didn't want ended up in there. Now the car will fit in so nice, there is no clutter...its so clean...we even cleaned out the laundry room. Now everything is organized and all shiny lol.
Ashley is doing good in school as always. She is so funny, always makes me laugh lol. Lately she has been going off with her friends more, and man do I miss her. She is in a club at school and its alot of work for all of us lol. With all the hours she has had since elementry school she is way way way ahead of the others lol. She loves the club because it allows her to give back, she also loves it because she is already thinking of college lol. She is so smart, I have never had to tell her or ask her to do her homework, its the first thing she does. She also loves to write, she writes amazing short stories, she has also gotten into a form of roleplaying (shes my little nerd lol) she loves to write the naratives...people are blown away by how well she writes and how much she puts into her stuff (I know everything she does on the computer lol we got the program that emails me all the time to let me know lol). Her role playing is always about harry potter lol. She is just my amazingly sweet, silly girl.
Ken is still working his ass off and coming home cranky. I know he is stressed out at work, I just wish he didn't treat me like shit all the time. I miss the spark he used to get in his eyes when he looked at me...the special smile he flashed...its been months since I have seen either. We used to lay in bed and talk all the time, laughing and being silly...that hasn't happend in a year. I just really miss the sloseness we used to have. I hope that if he wants out he lets me know...otherwise I hope he starts treating me with love. I love him so mich, but if I make him unhappy then I want him to tell me...before he looks elsewhere. I miss my silly man so much.
I am still beyond tired, healing from surgery and just mentally dead.
my dogs are doing great :) they always make me smile...all 4 of them. Sure the Puppies do silly things that make me wonder what the hell were they thinking, but I am one of those realistic thinkers who knows puppies will be puppies and just clean it up lol. Puppers isn't foing to good, he is having alot of trouble getting up (bad arthritis in his back legs) and falls fequently when playing. We have him on a special diet, vitamin supplements and pain relievers, I just am not rady to loose him, hes my best friend...the one that makes all the bad things in the world melt away...hes my cuddler, the one I tend to talk to alot lol (yeah I might be crazy) he is very important to me...
My mom is still driving me nuts, but lately she has backed off a little in her meanness...but she still finds new ways to hurt me...man she can be cruel. But she is who she is, and I love her anyways lol.
Ughhhh well I have so so so much more I want to say, but I am tired and I need to take all my pills...miss you all much and I will comment you all later :)
Night
Monday, September 24, 2007
Home Again
Feels so good to be home...
We went on our vacation and took one of Ashleys friends...ohhh to say I am tired is an understatment lol.
We traveled down our coastline, started in Santa Cruz took scenic hw1 down to carmel, then to morrobay...off to pismo then solvang, after that we went to Santa Barbra and off to Hollywood...it was alot of fun but ohhhh so tiring.
The girls had a blast, giggled nonstop lol. We walked so far everyday my poor legs are beyond sore lol. We took them to as many historical sites as we could find as well as all the shops they wanted to see lol...and they played on beach after beach lol.
We saw all kinds of animals lol...there were the huge sea lions at santa cruz, then elephant seals down the highway...then we saw awhole pasture of Zebras, they were mixed in with the cows lol, then we saw dolphins and otters...we saw so much it was crazy lol. We took a ton of pictures, and I will post them all later...right now I am just resting lol...since it stormed everywhere we went I spent most of the time wet and now I have a cold lol...but such is life.
While we were gone I had my laptop so that when we were in the hotel I could chat with Ken...but he seemed preoccupied big time...huge delays in the conversation and so on...I know he was talking to that fuckin Jen girl he works with...funny how he can share so much with her and absolutly shit with me.
I am so tired of him being cranky from the stress at work, I am so done with him forever shutting me out...I am just tired of feeling like an outsider in his world. there are days I wonder if he really wants this...you know the relationship, family thing...cause trust me lately he hasn't acted like he does. I hate that when he talks to the bitch from work he smiles and laughs and shares everything with her...that he talks to her the way he used to talk to me...I guess I am at a point where I need him to either give me his all or move on...I love him with all I am, and I go with out constantly for him and Ash...I am just tired of coming in last in his life, that he no longer looks at me with that spark in his eye or just wants to talk to me, I try...but he doesn't deem to care anymore...ughhh I am tired.
Well I have done enough bitching...I am off to bed to try and recover a little bit and to unscramble my mind lol...
I will post all the pics later :)
We went on our vacation and took one of Ashleys friends...ohhh to say I am tired is an understatment lol.
We traveled down our coastline, started in Santa Cruz took scenic hw1 down to carmel, then to morrobay...off to pismo then solvang, after that we went to Santa Barbra and off to Hollywood...it was alot of fun but ohhhh so tiring.
The girls had a blast, giggled nonstop lol. We walked so far everyday my poor legs are beyond sore lol. We took them to as many historical sites as we could find as well as all the shops they wanted to see lol...and they played on beach after beach lol.
We saw all kinds of animals lol...there were the huge sea lions at santa cruz, then elephant seals down the highway...then we saw awhole pasture of Zebras, they were mixed in with the cows lol, then we saw dolphins and otters...we saw so much it was crazy lol. We took a ton of pictures, and I will post them all later...right now I am just resting lol...since it stormed everywhere we went I spent most of the time wet and now I have a cold lol...but such is life.
While we were gone I had my laptop so that when we were in the hotel I could chat with Ken...but he seemed preoccupied big time...huge delays in the conversation and so on...I know he was talking to that fuckin Jen girl he works with...funny how he can share so much with her and absolutly shit with me.
I am so tired of him being cranky from the stress at work, I am so done with him forever shutting me out...I am just tired of feeling like an outsider in his world. there are days I wonder if he really wants this...you know the relationship, family thing...cause trust me lately he hasn't acted like he does. I hate that when he talks to the bitch from work he smiles and laughs and shares everything with her...that he talks to her the way he used to talk to me...I guess I am at a point where I need him to either give me his all or move on...I love him with all I am, and I go with out constantly for him and Ash...I am just tired of coming in last in his life, that he no longer looks at me with that spark in his eye or just wants to talk to me, I try...but he doesn't deem to care anymore...ughhh I am tired.
Well I have done enough bitching...I am off to bed to try and recover a little bit and to unscramble my mind lol...
I will post all the pics later :)
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Happy Anniversary
Tonight I went to my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary. Can you imagine being with someone for 60 years?
Growing up I always wanted to find a man who looked at me the way papa looked at grandma. When they would walk down the beach, hand in hand, whispering in each others ear..grandma giggling and papa laughing...he would look at her as if noone else existed. Sitting in the yard...papa in his favorite chair while grandma was with all of us, his eyes never leave her...they follow her everywhere, she turns and smiles...the look he returns, thats the look I always wanted to recieve.
My papa is a very loud, outgoing greek with the greek temper and all lol...grandma is small, shy...his total opposite. Papa is a truck driver, always on the road...grandma stayed home raising the kids (4 in 4 1/2 years and then 1 more 12 years later lol) Grandma often teases him that if he wasn't always on the road they would have never lasted...papa smiles and says alls she ever had to do was ask him to stay home. Always bickering and laughing...secret smiles and touches...thats my grandparents.
Papa was always more like a dad to me then a grandpa...he taught me everything...he was always there...Grandma was my soft place to land, when the world would kick my ass she would hold me and read to me, or play her piano...togather they taught me and my brother to never settle...to reach for the stars and jump for the moon. I always wanted the man I fell in love with to look at me the papa looks at grandma...the gentleness and kindness...they were an amazing example of what love is.
60 years seems so long to me...but tonight when papa was holding grandma he told her it wasn't long enough...the smile, the kiss, its what movies, fairytales and happyendings are made of...he was holding her hand while they were off alone, smiled down at her and she was just starring at him, she told him he still takes her breath away...god I love them.
I love my grandparents so much, and I thank them everyday for the lessons they taught me, and the greatest example is and will always be love...
Happy 60th Anniversary Grandma and Papa
Growing up I always wanted to find a man who looked at me the way papa looked at grandma. When they would walk down the beach, hand in hand, whispering in each others ear..grandma giggling and papa laughing...he would look at her as if noone else existed. Sitting in the yard...papa in his favorite chair while grandma was with all of us, his eyes never leave her...they follow her everywhere, she turns and smiles...the look he returns, thats the look I always wanted to recieve.
My papa is a very loud, outgoing greek with the greek temper and all lol...grandma is small, shy...his total opposite. Papa is a truck driver, always on the road...grandma stayed home raising the kids (4 in 4 1/2 years and then 1 more 12 years later lol) Grandma often teases him that if he wasn't always on the road they would have never lasted...papa smiles and says alls she ever had to do was ask him to stay home. Always bickering and laughing...secret smiles and touches...thats my grandparents.
Papa was always more like a dad to me then a grandpa...he taught me everything...he was always there...Grandma was my soft place to land, when the world would kick my ass she would hold me and read to me, or play her piano...togather they taught me and my brother to never settle...to reach for the stars and jump for the moon. I always wanted the man I fell in love with to look at me the papa looks at grandma...the gentleness and kindness...they were an amazing example of what love is.
60 years seems so long to me...but tonight when papa was holding grandma he told her it wasn't long enough...the smile, the kiss, its what movies, fairytales and happyendings are made of...he was holding her hand while they were off alone, smiled down at her and she was just starring at him, she told him he still takes her breath away...god I love them.
I love my grandparents so much, and I thank them everyday for the lessons they taught me, and the greatest example is and will always be love...
Happy 60th Anniversary Grandma and Papa
Monday, September 10, 2007
Stitches Suck
Well since my last post I had the biopsy done...they left a huge hole in my arm with stitches, man do they hurt. They are always pulling and they itch and I hate them...well I did hate them, I got them out 3 days ago.
Now I got an open wound (it was closed til Ken and I ummm caused it to reopen) and it looks so gross lol. I am really ok with it, but it oozes sometimes lol...thats the bad part.
The biopsy reports were that it was precancerous, not yet cancer but on its way...kinda scarey.
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Ashley is still liking school, she is getting all high A's (weekly progress reports) and she is definatly getting more independent. She is always on the phone, or her AIM or her friends are here or her there...its driving me a little nuts lol.
Up until now Ashley has had no real chores, no real responsibility, but last night she made a amjor mistake and I have decided she needs to learn responsibility. She is really not happy about it, but life is what it is.
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Ken and I are doing ok, hes still cranky and snaps alot, but I guess the stress at work is really getting to him. There are days when I just want to scream at him lol, tell him to stop treating me like a child...but I don't nor will I, I just want him to be happy and he needs an outlet and I guess I am it.
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Blast from the past...Last night at 10 I got a call from a girl saying she was my old high school boyfriends niece...that she had heard the stories of us and that her uncle wanted to see how I was, but he was to scared to do so. I wasn't prepared for it...when I was 16 he was my world, man were we difunctional...always arguing...the last time I saw him was at his moms funeral 13 years ago...sometimes the past needs to stay just that, in the past. I am glad hes ok and that he still thinks of me, but I have an amazing man in my life and I don't need his BS ever again...so I hope the past just goes away and that the call from the niece is all I will get.
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I have a ton of pics to share...lol theres the pups, and the day Ash and I spent with baby Alanna (my cousins little baby), then there are the pics of Morro Bay and just so much more, I will try to get to it later...
Oh and we all got new cell phones...Ash got the LOST razr and I got a blue krzr and my mom got a purple razr lol...I love my new cell the pics are freakin amazing lol...anyways bye all :)
Now I got an open wound (it was closed til Ken and I ummm caused it to reopen) and it looks so gross lol. I am really ok with it, but it oozes sometimes lol...thats the bad part.
The biopsy reports were that it was precancerous, not yet cancer but on its way...kinda scarey.
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Ashley is still liking school, she is getting all high A's (weekly progress reports) and she is definatly getting more independent. She is always on the phone, or her AIM or her friends are here or her there...its driving me a little nuts lol.
Up until now Ashley has had no real chores, no real responsibility, but last night she made a amjor mistake and I have decided she needs to learn responsibility. She is really not happy about it, but life is what it is.
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Ken and I are doing ok, hes still cranky and snaps alot, but I guess the stress at work is really getting to him. There are days when I just want to scream at him lol, tell him to stop treating me like a child...but I don't nor will I, I just want him to be happy and he needs an outlet and I guess I am it.
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Blast from the past...Last night at 10 I got a call from a girl saying she was my old high school boyfriends niece...that she had heard the stories of us and that her uncle wanted to see how I was, but he was to scared to do so. I wasn't prepared for it...when I was 16 he was my world, man were we difunctional...always arguing...the last time I saw him was at his moms funeral 13 years ago...sometimes the past needs to stay just that, in the past. I am glad hes ok and that he still thinks of me, but I have an amazing man in my life and I don't need his BS ever again...so I hope the past just goes away and that the call from the niece is all I will get.
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I have a ton of pics to share...lol theres the pups, and the day Ash and I spent with baby Alanna (my cousins little baby), then there are the pics of Morro Bay and just so much more, I will try to get to it later...
Oh and we all got new cell phones...Ash got the LOST razr and I got a blue krzr and my mom got a purple razr lol...I love my new cell the pics are freakin amazing lol...anyways bye all :)
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Pain
UGHHHH!!!!!!
First off sorry its been so long...now onto the life and times of me lol
I was finally diagnosed with something, after years of testing and ruling out things...I have Fibromyalgia they aren't ready to rule out other things as well, but this is a huge start for me, it means I am not crazy.
For years I have been in severe pain and just so screwed up and all the doctors just kept giving me more and more pills to take (I am at 28 a day right now) and finally I have a doc that is treating the full scale of things and slowly taking me off certain pills and adding others that may work alot better. It just feels good to be able to say hey see I told you I hurt and am always run down, I am not lieing or lazy...trust me thats what people thought for a long time, even agter my 3 surgeries.
I am going in for a skin biopsy on the 28th. They treat me very aggresivly when things look wrong because of the high cancer problems in my family...mom has breats cancer, dad had testicular cancer as well as liver cancer, brother is terminally ill with stomach cancer...so they check everything that looks different or has changed...I hate needles and all that so it gets rough for me. I am glad that I have a doctor now that is willing to go the extra mile for me, to listen to what I say and not dismiss it...it helps alot trust me.
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Ashley is loving school so far...sad thing is one of her teachers is an old ummm school mate that my brother torchered. She had a huge crush on him and he was just so damn mean to her, so now my poor daughter gets the odd looks from her and the way she says her name lol poor Ash.
Ashley is in excelerated classes (they call GATE that now) and still has a very very high A average and does alot of community service. She has so many awards from the govenor and the president, she has been invited to all kinds of high profile functions...and she still remains my sweet little shy girl lol.
Her headaches have been pretty bad lately so I am calling her doc to see if the psedu cerebral brain tumor is getting worse or if its just stress. I worry about that damn tumor so bad, she is such an amazing girl and she loves to read, and they have warned that she could go blind, to a little girl who lives to read and write stories its horrible.
She is getting so tall, almost taller than me lol, I am 5'5 and she is very very close.
As you can see she is beautiful and growing up way to fast, this pic is from the begining of summer so I will add one later thats more recent...I miss the little girl with the chubby fingers that would hold on to my index finger and lead me everywhere asking a million questions, the toddler that still needed me for everything, the smart little girl who crawled into my lap to read to me every night...I miss those years so much, and yet I am beyond proud of the woman I see her becoming, she is full of life, laughs all the time, fiercely loyal to her friends and still willing to hold my hand while we are out, never ashamed to tell me she loves me or hug me in front of people...Ashley is my whole world and my life.
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Ken and I, for some reason, seem to be arguing way to much lately. He has a very short fuse lately and I seem to set it off multiple times a day. I know his stress level is through the roof so I try to understand, but sometimes it hurts. there are times he snaps at me and I get so quiet and go away from him and I am on the verge of tears, I know he doesn't do it to be mean, he just has no outlet for all his frustration and hes so exhausted...I just need it to get better.
He is still working his ass off at work and getting way underpaid, but such is life in sunny california. I wish he got the recognition he deserves, I also wish he could find happiness in his work.
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My puppies are doing great :) they are getting huge lol. they are learning their commands really well and are really good at fetch. Yes they still get int trouble for eating the grass and bushes and for beating up Puppers lol, but they are really really good natured dogs. Lady is finally starting to play with them lol, she still snaps at them alot, but she is more accepting of them now, and Puppers loves to play with them when he can, but some days his arthritis is just to bad...I love my housefull of dogs :)
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Well we also got adopted by a beautiful stray cat Ashley named Toast
We had a scarey moment when he got hit by a car, but a trip to the vet and some meds and he is all better. He is such a love, he plays so cute with Ashley...
We also now have a neighbors cat who refuses to go home, he sleeps on my porch all day and night so I feed him as well lol. There are 8 cats who now come here for safety and food, yes I am that crazy animal lover who tries to save them all. They are all so precious and I have almost all of them coming to me now...theres one that I am still working on though. I do love animals and in my dream world I would own alot of land and rescue as many as I could, I mean not like 500 or something crazy, only as much as I can love and give attention to...trust me I am crazy like that lol.
Well I am off to watch Sabrina the teenage witch lol...only decent thing on tonight ;)
night all !!!!!!!!!!!
First off sorry its been so long...now onto the life and times of me lol
I was finally diagnosed with something, after years of testing and ruling out things...I have Fibromyalgia they aren't ready to rule out other things as well, but this is a huge start for me, it means I am not crazy.
For years I have been in severe pain and just so screwed up and all the doctors just kept giving me more and more pills to take (I am at 28 a day right now) and finally I have a doc that is treating the full scale of things and slowly taking me off certain pills and adding others that may work alot better. It just feels good to be able to say hey see I told you I hurt and am always run down, I am not lieing or lazy...trust me thats what people thought for a long time, even agter my 3 surgeries.
I am going in for a skin biopsy on the 28th. They treat me very aggresivly when things look wrong because of the high cancer problems in my family...mom has breats cancer, dad had testicular cancer as well as liver cancer, brother is terminally ill with stomach cancer...so they check everything that looks different or has changed...I hate needles and all that so it gets rough for me. I am glad that I have a doctor now that is willing to go the extra mile for me, to listen to what I say and not dismiss it...it helps alot trust me.
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Ashley is loving school so far...sad thing is one of her teachers is an old ummm school mate that my brother torchered. She had a huge crush on him and he was just so damn mean to her, so now my poor daughter gets the odd looks from her and the way she says her name lol poor Ash.
Ashley is in excelerated classes (they call GATE that now) and still has a very very high A average and does alot of community service. She has so many awards from the govenor and the president, she has been invited to all kinds of high profile functions...and she still remains my sweet little shy girl lol.
Her headaches have been pretty bad lately so I am calling her doc to see if the psedu cerebral brain tumor is getting worse or if its just stress. I worry about that damn tumor so bad, she is such an amazing girl and she loves to read, and they have warned that she could go blind, to a little girl who lives to read and write stories its horrible.
She is getting so tall, almost taller than me lol, I am 5'5 and she is very very close.
As you can see she is beautiful and growing up way to fast, this pic is from the begining of summer so I will add one later thats more recent...I miss the little girl with the chubby fingers that would hold on to my index finger and lead me everywhere asking a million questions, the toddler that still needed me for everything, the smart little girl who crawled into my lap to read to me every night...I miss those years so much, and yet I am beyond proud of the woman I see her becoming, she is full of life, laughs all the time, fiercely loyal to her friends and still willing to hold my hand while we are out, never ashamed to tell me she loves me or hug me in front of people...Ashley is my whole world and my life.
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Ken and I, for some reason, seem to be arguing way to much lately. He has a very short fuse lately and I seem to set it off multiple times a day. I know his stress level is through the roof so I try to understand, but sometimes it hurts. there are times he snaps at me and I get so quiet and go away from him and I am on the verge of tears, I know he doesn't do it to be mean, he just has no outlet for all his frustration and hes so exhausted...I just need it to get better.
He is still working his ass off at work and getting way underpaid, but such is life in sunny california. I wish he got the recognition he deserves, I also wish he could find happiness in his work.
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My puppies are doing great :) they are getting huge lol. they are learning their commands really well and are really good at fetch. Yes they still get int trouble for eating the grass and bushes and for beating up Puppers lol, but they are really really good natured dogs. Lady is finally starting to play with them lol, she still snaps at them alot, but she is more accepting of them now, and Puppers loves to play with them when he can, but some days his arthritis is just to bad...I love my housefull of dogs :)
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Well we also got adopted by a beautiful stray cat Ashley named Toast
We had a scarey moment when he got hit by a car, but a trip to the vet and some meds and he is all better. He is such a love, he plays so cute with Ashley...
We also now have a neighbors cat who refuses to go home, he sleeps on my porch all day and night so I feed him as well lol. There are 8 cats who now come here for safety and food, yes I am that crazy animal lover who tries to save them all. They are all so precious and I have almost all of them coming to me now...theres one that I am still working on though. I do love animals and in my dream world I would own alot of land and rescue as many as I could, I mean not like 500 or something crazy, only as much as I can love and give attention to...trust me I am crazy like that lol.
Well I am off to watch Sabrina the teenage witch lol...only decent thing on tonight ;)
night all !!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
busy bee
UGHHHHH I am so tired lol!!!
Ok so I have been very busy lately...but the biggest thing is getting Ash ready for school, man is it expensive...I got everything but the socks and backpack lol, I am going tomorrow lol. She is so darn picky about what she wants and trying to find it is killing me. She has a style all her own and so we go looking everywhere for those things lol...we went to the coast yeaterday so she could get some DC clothes (she loves Rob and Big lol) and we went to kohls for her pants...she wants converese and trying to find her size has sent us everywhere (she takes after me with little narrow feet lol)...
She is already getting mommy seperation anxiety lol...I know she will cry Wednsday when she has to go to school, she always has, and it will break my heart to see her cry, it always will lol. She is an amazingly smart girl with a big heart and very emotional. She has always been vert attatched to me, I was all she had for so long, and she is my world...when she was little she was so sick I was always afraid Iw ould lose her...and now its the brain tumor...she just can't seem to catch a break, I worry about her so much. She is in 3 classes with her firends and she is beyond excited about that, last year she just had one and she was pretty bummed all year lol...she is so shy until you get to know her, then shes a big goof ball...I just hope the transition going into 8th grade goes smooth for her and her friends...they are a tight little bunch.
Ughhh so I kmnow my typing is all over the place tonight, I am beyond exhauseted from almost no sleep in 5 days, I so need a nap...I will write more tomorrow, an update on my sister, the doc appointment and so so much more thats been going on
Ok so I have been very busy lately...but the biggest thing is getting Ash ready for school, man is it expensive...I got everything but the socks and backpack lol, I am going tomorrow lol. She is so darn picky about what she wants and trying to find it is killing me. She has a style all her own and so we go looking everywhere for those things lol...we went to the coast yeaterday so she could get some DC clothes (she loves Rob and Big lol) and we went to kohls for her pants...she wants converese and trying to find her size has sent us everywhere (she takes after me with little narrow feet lol)...
She is already getting mommy seperation anxiety lol...I know she will cry Wednsday when she has to go to school, she always has, and it will break my heart to see her cry, it always will lol. She is an amazingly smart girl with a big heart and very emotional. She has always been vert attatched to me, I was all she had for so long, and she is my world...when she was little she was so sick I was always afraid Iw ould lose her...and now its the brain tumor...she just can't seem to catch a break, I worry about her so much. She is in 3 classes with her firends and she is beyond excited about that, last year she just had one and she was pretty bummed all year lol...she is so shy until you get to know her, then shes a big goof ball...I just hope the transition going into 8th grade goes smooth for her and her friends...they are a tight little bunch.
Ughhh so I kmnow my typing is all over the place tonight, I am beyond exhauseted from almost no sleep in 5 days, I so need a nap...I will write more tomorrow, an update on my sister, the doc appointment and so so much more thats been going on
Monday, July 30, 2007
Life
As many of you know I have a half sister, full brother and a step sister...how sad is it that I never talk to my sisters and seldom my brother lately.
My half sister Cheryl came into my life when I was a teenager. David and I knew about her from day 1 but she was fed so many lies and BS that she never knew about us or that my dad was her dad. I always had thisinsane fantasy version of her, I imagined this amazing cool older sister who would become my best friend...but in reality she already had a younger sister and didn't seem to really get to know me as a sister, but she took to our brother instantly...talk about hurt.
She was alot like David...both very outgoing and loud...I was always quiet and shy...they became best friends, and I was left with nothing. I did try many times to try and get to know her, to bring her into my life, but she had so many issues and this anger in her, it just never worked...but I did have a great relationship with my niece, my sisters daughter. She would stay with me while my sister was at work and play with Ashley...they got along so good and in some ways started to bring Cheryl and I closer...but then Cheryl went in a downwards spiral and took off...I haven't seen Cheryl since.
I miss the insane dream sister I always wanted, I miss the sister I was just getting to know...but more than that I miss my niece so so so much. I have seen her twice since then...shes absolutly beautiful...shes 2 years younger than Ash I think, shes taking ice skating lessons and has such a funny since of humor...her dad (my sisters ex) sends me photos through email and keeps me updated, but I miss her so much. Tonight I reached out to my sister through an email, I hope it starts some sort of communication...i do love her, I just wish she would take a moment to get to know me...
ughhh anyways I just needed to talk about her, to get it off my chest...night all :o(
My half sister Cheryl came into my life when I was a teenager. David and I knew about her from day 1 but she was fed so many lies and BS that she never knew about us or that my dad was her dad. I always had thisinsane fantasy version of her, I imagined this amazing cool older sister who would become my best friend...but in reality she already had a younger sister and didn't seem to really get to know me as a sister, but she took to our brother instantly...talk about hurt.
She was alot like David...both very outgoing and loud...I was always quiet and shy...they became best friends, and I was left with nothing. I did try many times to try and get to know her, to bring her into my life, but she had so many issues and this anger in her, it just never worked...but I did have a great relationship with my niece, my sisters daughter. She would stay with me while my sister was at work and play with Ashley...they got along so good and in some ways started to bring Cheryl and I closer...but then Cheryl went in a downwards spiral and took off...I haven't seen Cheryl since.
I miss the insane dream sister I always wanted, I miss the sister I was just getting to know...but more than that I miss my niece so so so much. I have seen her twice since then...shes absolutly beautiful...shes 2 years younger than Ash I think, shes taking ice skating lessons and has such a funny since of humor...her dad (my sisters ex) sends me photos through email and keeps me updated, but I miss her so much. Tonight I reached out to my sister through an email, I hope it starts some sort of communication...i do love her, I just wish she would take a moment to get to know me...
ughhh anyways I just needed to talk about her, to get it off my chest...night all :o(
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
sleepy
I am just so tired its not even funny...I try everything to get some sleep...and nothing works!!!! They have prescribed sleeping pills, changed my diet and so so much more...nothing will put me out. I know its mental, and I just can't get past it, not sure I ever will. It stems from something that happend 12 years ago...and it replays in my mind all the time...so even though I am beyond exhausted I sit here playing stupid games, watching nick at night and doing anything and evrything to make my mind quiet down...
I was chatting with a friend today who told me even though we have been friends for years she doesn't know me at all...and shes right. I keep so much of who I am locked deep inside, I am so afraid of being judged, of hurting someone, of not being enough...I smile and laugh and do my very best to make sure the people around me are happy, but the pain inside me is almost unbearable at times, but I am to afraid to share it with anyone :o(
I have been with Ken for 6 years, and he doesn't know me either...to me thats heart breaking. I want to open up, to just be me, but so many things in my life have taught me to hide it all, to keep it safe, to never expose that vulnerable part of me. I wish I could, people hear me say that and they don't understand it, they think I like being this way...I hate it...but its not something I can just change, if I could I would...I am letting things out a little with Ken, more than I ever have with anyone, but sometimes I am afraid its not enough, that he judges me based on what I am not saying...I hate being so fucked up!
My friend also told me that when people first meet me they are afraid of me, that I look mean...lol to me thats funny...I am very nice and I go out of my way to help everyone and to make sure everyone around me is ok...but I guess I just look mean to them...geez! I grew up in the hood, the kind of place you hear about on the news, daily shootings and constant fights...hell the police wouldn't come to our area with out the SWAT team lol, and no I am not lieing at all...I grew up fighting and protecting myself...hell I had been suspended for fighting like 15 times before 7th grade...but my fights were usually because someone was picking on my brother or my friends, I was the friend who always made sure my friends were ok...sometimes to a fault. I just hate that people think I am mean...trust me peopel I'm not... I really am a nice person lol.
She really made me feel shitty about myself then said ...you know how it is Carie, people hate people who are different...what the hell? I am normal, I have no horns growing out of my head nor any tails...I am quiet...and I am a skater girl who loves to wear guys shirts (so much more comfortable) but I don't understand how I am different...
Well I guess I have blubbered on enough, probably makes no since...I am gonna go play sims and veg out for a bit with my dogs...night all :)
I was chatting with a friend today who told me even though we have been friends for years she doesn't know me at all...and shes right. I keep so much of who I am locked deep inside, I am so afraid of being judged, of hurting someone, of not being enough...I smile and laugh and do my very best to make sure the people around me are happy, but the pain inside me is almost unbearable at times, but I am to afraid to share it with anyone :o(
I have been with Ken for 6 years, and he doesn't know me either...to me thats heart breaking. I want to open up, to just be me, but so many things in my life have taught me to hide it all, to keep it safe, to never expose that vulnerable part of me. I wish I could, people hear me say that and they don't understand it, they think I like being this way...I hate it...but its not something I can just change, if I could I would...I am letting things out a little with Ken, more than I ever have with anyone, but sometimes I am afraid its not enough, that he judges me based on what I am not saying...I hate being so fucked up!
My friend also told me that when people first meet me they are afraid of me, that I look mean...lol to me thats funny...I am very nice and I go out of my way to help everyone and to make sure everyone around me is ok...but I guess I just look mean to them...geez! I grew up in the hood, the kind of place you hear about on the news, daily shootings and constant fights...hell the police wouldn't come to our area with out the SWAT team lol, and no I am not lieing at all...I grew up fighting and protecting myself...hell I had been suspended for fighting like 15 times before 7th grade...but my fights were usually because someone was picking on my brother or my friends, I was the friend who always made sure my friends were ok...sometimes to a fault. I just hate that people think I am mean...trust me peopel I'm not... I really am a nice person lol.
She really made me feel shitty about myself then said ...you know how it is Carie, people hate people who are different...what the hell? I am normal, I have no horns growing out of my head nor any tails...I am quiet...and I am a skater girl who loves to wear guys shirts (so much more comfortable) but I don't understand how I am different...
Well I guess I have blubbered on enough, probably makes no since...I am gonna go play sims and veg out for a bit with my dogs...night all :)
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Birthdays
In 10 min it is officially my baby's birthday...shes the big 13...a teenager!!!!
I am the mom of a teenager...man I feel old lol. I am taking her and her friends to diner at Edo-yahs (tempinyaki) and then home to chill...and then on Friday her friends are gonan stay the night and have cake and all of that...I wish I could do more but man this is a bad time for us...but we do what we can and shes ok with it lol...
Well I am off to sneak in and scare the hell out of her and tell her happy birthday lol...night all
I am the mom of a teenager...man I feel old lol. I am taking her and her friends to diner at Edo-yahs (tempinyaki) and then home to chill...and then on Friday her friends are gonan stay the night and have cake and all of that...I wish I could do more but man this is a bad time for us...but we do what we can and shes ok with it lol...
Well I am off to sneak in and scare the hell out of her and tell her happy birthday lol...night all
Monday, July 16, 2007
Thursday, July 12, 2007
We Are Back
Well we have been back for awhile lol...but I am finally posting.
We had alot of fun, but man was I sick. I have been battling an internal infection that they have not been able to get ahead of, well the first 2 days of camping were really bad for me. over 103 fever (I am a normal 96 lol) that would not break, holding nothing down...I mean I was so sick...blah!
Well the rest of the trip was amazing...we went on some fun hikes...some not so fun...we did alot of fishing and Ashley caught a ton of fish...so did I, and well Ken caught 1! But man did we laugh alot.
Ken got us stuck off the road off the side of a small mountain lol, the tires sunk in the soft dirt and so there we were...Ashley and I tried to flag down people...but man are they mean, especially the men! So Ashley and I went on a very very long walk in search of help or cell service lol...the whole way Ashley kept saying if we made it to town she was so having McDonalds lol...we hiked over 5 miles before Ken came up behind us...a jack ass that said he couldn't help when Ash and I asked went back and got him (he sure took his sweet ass time so me and Ash walked our asses off in the freakin sun...ugh) but all was good in the end, except for the sore ass legs from going up hills and then down hill lol...
We did alot and had alot of family fun...we were able to kick back and just relax for a bit...Kens mom, pop and his nephew Brado came up to visit on Sunday and went fishing, stayed fr diner and all that, it was nice :)
well onto the pics...
This is Ken way the hell in front of us on a hike up to the top of fresno dome...its a hard climb let em tell you, and no I did not make it all the way, my fever was kicking my ass and I was so dizzy...so going up steep rock while dizzy was not working...but look at that view
Ashley on our hike up the mountain...isn't she cute :)
Ashley rock hopping...she had so much fun lol...she was pretty good at it...better than Ken and I, we fell in lol
Ashley kicking back watching all the fish lol
Still going all over the place lol...she was so goofy and having so much fun
look at all the trout :) they had just stocked the creeks and lakes so there were tons of them
Ashley on a hike we went on before we got stuck off the side of the mountain...actually this was the place were it happend lol
up in our mountains there are free range cattle...well let me tell you something...they look all sweet and cute, then you take the pic, they see you...and man do they get mad...Ashley and I ran pretty damn fast to get away lol...and then the cattle broke out in a run to get away from us lol
I posted way way more on my myspace lol but this is the general trip in a nut shell lol...the creek pictures were right at our camp sight so thats what we woke up to every morning...it was beautiful and amazing
We had alot of fun, but man was I sick. I have been battling an internal infection that they have not been able to get ahead of, well the first 2 days of camping were really bad for me. over 103 fever (I am a normal 96 lol) that would not break, holding nothing down...I mean I was so sick...blah!
Well the rest of the trip was amazing...we went on some fun hikes...some not so fun...we did alot of fishing and Ashley caught a ton of fish...so did I, and well Ken caught 1! But man did we laugh alot.
Ken got us stuck off the road off the side of a small mountain lol, the tires sunk in the soft dirt and so there we were...Ashley and I tried to flag down people...but man are they mean, especially the men! So Ashley and I went on a very very long walk in search of help or cell service lol...the whole way Ashley kept saying if we made it to town she was so having McDonalds lol...we hiked over 5 miles before Ken came up behind us...a jack ass that said he couldn't help when Ash and I asked went back and got him (he sure took his sweet ass time so me and Ash walked our asses off in the freakin sun...ugh) but all was good in the end, except for the sore ass legs from going up hills and then down hill lol...
We did alot and had alot of family fun...we were able to kick back and just relax for a bit...Kens mom, pop and his nephew Brado came up to visit on Sunday and went fishing, stayed fr diner and all that, it was nice :)
well onto the pics...
This is Ken way the hell in front of us on a hike up to the top of fresno dome...its a hard climb let em tell you, and no I did not make it all the way, my fever was kicking my ass and I was so dizzy...so going up steep rock while dizzy was not working...but look at that view
Ashley on our hike up the mountain...isn't she cute :)
Ashley rock hopping...she had so much fun lol...she was pretty good at it...better than Ken and I, we fell in lol
Ashley kicking back watching all the fish lol
Still going all over the place lol...she was so goofy and having so much fun
look at all the trout :) they had just stocked the creeks and lakes so there were tons of them
Ashley on a hike we went on before we got stuck off the side of the mountain...actually this was the place were it happend lol
up in our mountains there are free range cattle...well let me tell you something...they look all sweet and cute, then you take the pic, they see you...and man do they get mad...Ashley and I ran pretty damn fast to get away lol...and then the cattle broke out in a run to get away from us lol
I posted way way more on my myspace lol but this is the general trip in a nut shell lol...the creek pictures were right at our camp sight so thats what we woke up to every morning...it was beautiful and amazing
The 4th was nice, we spent it with Kens family as always and did alot of fireworks after the bbq...it was nice :)
In a few days my baby girl will be a teenager...man is she making me old...31 feels like 90 right now lol...I wish she would have stayed 2 forever lol, she was so sweet and goofy then...nw shes taller than me and has a big mouth lol...but shes a good kid, straight A's, honor roll, govenors awards and so so much more...I am so lucky to have her in my life :)
Well Ia m off to play with the pups some more (they are huge now lol)!!!!
Night All
About Me
- Carie
- I am a 33year old mom...I am in a long term relationship with a man I am wild about. I went to college to become a teacher and am currently seeking employment in my chosen field
For My Mom
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