Friday, July 16, 2004
Stampede. Wednesday. Me and those Aussie people.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
grinning like an ass - it's all about the percentages
Today.10% about the nice gentlemen (Mike and Dave) at the free Stampede lunch who kept 'buying' me beers, even though everyone was only supposed to get one. And the fact that my hair is horribly and wrongly long enough at this point to be 'seductively tousled' and in spite of me calling their hometown 'Trauma, Omterrible' (Toronto, Ontario) and handing off the beers to the boys (who apparantly I'm giving dance lessons to tomorrow).
2% to the beer I am *still* drinking 7 hours later courtesy of the copious bestowals of the gentlemen above who's beer I accepted despite the advertising companies idea to target the men and print....."available in bars, much like you" in large letters on the side.
10% to the comment..."It may be your birthday but I feel like I'm the one getting the presents." and (after spending a good portion of said birthday arranging things for a threesome of international visitors) to *this* text message - - - "Lonely? Unattached? 35? For a good time call ***-1139.... Guaranteed to make you smile one way or another..."
(T3 for those of you following along.)
10% to being told I'm amazing. By someone who indulges me and is held in utmost respect and with much love, along with the full realization of the burden I am dropping.
15% to just letting.it.go.
3% to the guy who totally checked me out even though I'm 35.
and fully 50% to that completely unexpected package I got in the mail today. I am SO smiling like an idiot. So... this one's for you, which covers the best of me and the best I've come to love about you...
Maples
The trees have become
suddenly very happy
it is the rain
it is the quick white summer rain
the trees are in motion under it
they are swinging back and forth they are tossing
the heavy blossoms of their heads
they are twisting their shoulders
even their feet chained to the ground feel good
thin and gleaming
nobody can prove it but any fool can feel it
they are full of electricity now and the shine isn't just pennies
it pours out from the deepest den
oh pretty trees
patient deep-planted
may you have many such days
flinging your bodies in silver circles shaking your heads
over the swamps and the pastures
rimming the fields and the long roads hurrying by.
Mary Oliver
(be careful, you do that long enough and your face is going to freeze that way)
Monday, July 12, 2004
an awfully nice birthday present or two
They announced today that Alberta will pay off it's debt this year. Cool. It's a bit frightening though, that in 1993 it was 23 billion dollars. He may be a drunk good 'ol boy who goes to homeless shelters to pick fights, but hey, you just can't have it all, can you?Strangely enough, this birthday, starting at 8 am with an unexpected phone call, has been one of the best in a very long time. That is due a great deal to you guys being a part of my life and in being remembered by some surprising people out here in the 'real world'. So, thank you. And thank you again. I feel like a lucky girl.
I will be back soon (with pictures for the Poblet), but for right now, I still need a little more time away to see if the direction I'm taking is sustainable, before giving some of my attention back to Random Gestures.
Sunday, July 11, 2004
birthday thoughts, from a deconstructed perspective
I never thought I'd make it here. Thirty-five. Actually, no, I think I always knew I would but the thought of it is caught between that pact I made in high school that we'd kill ourselves when we started to wrinkle and the realization that, in all honestly, I still feel and think and want like I'm 17. And, like seventeen, I still have no idea what direction to go. Even when I found out about the cancer, it never occurred to me that it would be the end of me. I don't know why I felt that way either, I just didn't.I never grew up knowing what I wanted to be, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to love, who I wanted to be. There was no 'in five years I will... and so here's where I need to go'. In not having any idea, I ended up doing nothing. No college, no university, no career. Not because I wasn't smart enough or because it wasn't doable, but because I just had this feeling, this understanding, that I was meant for something. Meant for something.
I probably could blame part of that on my parents, growing up in that 'blame' generation. To be honest, though, my belief in myself has always been strong but somehow, just not strong enough to choose a path. If I'd had any idea, ever, what path I wanted to choose, that is or in the absence of some conviction, someone to advise me in choosing one.
I've done some great things. I've done more with my life and my time I think than most of the people I graduated with. I think that if I were to drop dead tomorrow, my last thought would be, "but, MAN, I did some great shit". But, still, in the end, here I am - watching 35 tick over on the clock beside my bed - and I think, so when, exactly, will I know?
What if this inner conviction has been complete shit all these years?
And what do I have to show for these years of waiting for whatever the hell 'it' is?
Because, right here, right now, all I can tell you is this life I have is at a crossroads and not a particularly good one at that. That may be partly due to losing the dog and partly due to the fact that I've never given much thought to my day to day life and somehow that has put me into an uncomfortable situation. One, frankly, I don't have the energy to fix. But I have to. At least, as an adult, I'm pretty sure I have to. So, the things that have happened over the last two years have brought me to this place.
I think the truest thing I have ever heard in my life I found in a fortune cookie years ago. I carry it around in my wallet to this day. Oh. At least I thought I did. To the best of my recollection it said, "Your problem is not in a lack of talent or a lack of ability but in a lack of ambition."
Tis true. There's been nothing in all these years that 'fired me up'. So, here I am, at thirty-five with another job I've come to dread, limited options for other jobs, a condo I love, a cat that is endlessly amusing (today, baked on catnip and lounging on my lap, he discovered my belly button ring - which he promptly wrapped his lips around and tried to rip out - no, no, I'm fine, it'll heal - eventually) although restrictive, a long-term plan - for the first time in my life - that I even have an idea of how to get to and, since the cancer, an internal life that is far richer than the one I stopped living two years ago.
If the purpose of what I have here is to have 'fun', well, I'm not having it. If it's to make a shitload of money, well, I gave that up when I got sick in favor of giving myself time to recover. Which, at this point, I'm not so sure I ever did. Some good friends. Who all have lives of their own and limited time for me. Depression, which the drugs don't seem to be helping coupled with my fear of changing to yet another one and struggling through the side effects, (which, if you were around for that, still pisses me off - for the record). There are good things, I am happy with my home, I love that there are people I love in my life, I can do whatever I want, I feel a certain amount of contentment. I have never had anyone to catch me and I've done a grand job of making it this far alone. I'm inordinately proud of that. Unfortunately, part of that contentment is tied into my work life. Which right now - not so good.
I know one thing - that if I had chosen the paths before me earlier in life, I would be in no different position that I am now. Except those paths would affect more than me, there would be someone else there. That I'm thankful for.
I think of someone at work who always says, 'Just a little guy, not out to hurt anyone.' I always laugh at that, but it makes me think - if I think of myself the same way - I've never wanted to hurt anyone and here I am, doing it. I'm hurting myself. And that's just as cruel and unfair as anything else.
And so I lay here on my birthday, and I think, wow, fuck, what the hell am I doing here? At this crossroad, do I go left or do I go right?
This makes me think of some Dean Koontz 'Book of Counted Sorrows' thing....
one day, walking, I awaken,
amazed to see where I have come,
where I'm going, where I'm from.
This is not the path I thought,
This is not the place I sought,
This is not the dream I bought.
just a fever of fate I've caught.
I'll change highways in a while,
At the crossroads, one more mile.
My path is lit by my own fire.
I'm going only where I desire.
On the road that I have taken,
one day, walking, I awaken.
One day, walking, I awaken,
on the road that I have taken.
And, birthday or no, it's time I figured it out, don't you think?
