Saturday, April 10, 2004
make...it...stop
Because I may have not mentioned this before but I live in Calgary's "Design District". And I'm restless. So, I went to Blockbuster (Gothika and Mona Lisa Smile) and took a swing past the places that actually allow the great unwashed through the doors (most are designers only). I didn't buy anything. Really, but I got some great ideas and I had to talk myself down, once or twice.
I also got a quote on the most gorgeous, perfectly colored custom-made duvet cover. Which actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
And right next door, which I've been studiously avoiding, is a flooring place. So, I did have a chat with some guy about quality and picked up brochures although, in the end, I'll probably go with Ikea. It's cheaper and they are all pretty much the same for quality. Ohh, but hardwood. So beautiful.
Ooops, did I just say, I will probably? damn. Maybe if I just painted the place that would satisfy the urges. Gone, though, are the days of hasty decisions and I find myself committed to making more well-considered, less spur-of-the-moment choices.
After all, I did not give into the urge this morning to rent a car and hit Ikea and a paint store. See?
Alas, no bathroom scales to be found in my corner of the city so I will have to go down to Sears or something on a lunch hour. It's just the lugging home that's a pain.
And now, a late lunch and a movie. Cause there's nothing like a little Robert Downey Jr. to remind us all to stop and say, 'whoa, man, slow down and think about what you're doing, pal.'
Friday, April 09, 2004
get that light out of my eyes, I'll confess, I'll confess
tease mercilessl....er, play with
I gave in and researched laminate flooring. I pulled out the floor plan and calculated square footage. I made a list of what I'd need to self-install. I read the installation instructions. I tried to think of 'handy' friends I could cajole into participating. I priced it out. I tried color combinations for paint and flooring. I looked for a new chair. I checked out wall units. I considered asking the interior designer neighbor over to get her opinion.
I tried to stop. I did.
To remove myself from the internet I went to have a nap. I dreamt I was Kevin Costner having sex with a woman. And right as he/I..... I woke up. So, now I think I know what it feels like. Or maybe not. eww. Sorry about that mental picture, there, kids.
So, I thought I should get up and finally go through all my mail that accumulated this week (strangely, unless Riz took it with her, which would have been silly, I got NO mail while I was away - must remember to call her). Mail is always a downer. But, my bank statement tells me that my mortgage is down to $100,000. That was exciting. Until I remembered that I owe someone one hundred thousand dollars so I had to sit down for a while after that and just....breathe.
I decided to read the Wellbutrin pamphlet. Bad idea, that. Wouldn't recommend knowing things about the drugs you are taking, it's better to be completely in the dark and let it all be a wonderful surprise. Although, I must say, I would like to ask LFD why he would put me on something that indicates weight loss as one of the main side effects.
Since I don't own a scale, I have to rely on the far too frequent trips to the doctor to find out what's going on. On reflection, that may be a bad idea, since I'm tall enough that 10 more pounds would make my BMI underweight and I'm already a couple pounds below the 'ol weight/height calculator. Then again, my body fat percentage (last time I checked it, 10 pounds ago) puts me in the 'athelete' category. Which er, I'm not. All these things are so confusing. I have NEVER in my life worried about my weight, until this last year. I think that it didn't help much having everyone back home freak out. Tony:there kept poking me in the ribs and yelling at me. Coupled with the couple of people who fervently (rabidly?) believe that if I ate right and exercised I wouldn't be depressed. People who I probably eat healthier than, exercise four times as much as and drink about 1/4 as much as (one which I see every 6 months and the other, every six years or so). There is seriously just no arguing with them. They have no idea whether I take care of myself or not, or how I feel, or what I do. Maybe I'll go look for a scale tomorrow. Just to be on the safe side.
I wandered about the grocery store looking for things that I can eat. With the most calories. Cause I'm still having issues with warm food, mostly. I asked the butcher to cut me some mad cow with lots of fat and the look on his face was priceless. He asked me if I were sure a couple of times and finally I just had to say, "Do I look like a little extra fat will shove me over the edge into obesity?" before he went away to do what I asked.
I did, finally, end up bidding on a queen size down comforter. Cause I've wanted one ever since I slept under M's. Some of you may remember my previous shot at this (October 14, 2003 - cannot link, pre-Blogger) in which I ended up with a feather bed instead of a duck down quilt. Oh, but THIS time, I got a quilt. And, although I feel a little bad about the ducks, I just have to say that in two weeks I will have the best bed on the planet. And then I may never get out of it. Especially now that there's no dog hair all over it. It's a great big black iron canopied bed with mosquito netting, feathers to sleep on and feathers to sleep under and my, oh my, all those pillows.
*sigh* I have the best bed. I miss it when I'm not in it. And given the content of my dreams lately, there's a couple people I miss when they're not in it, too.
...but not all at the same time. Heyyyy, wait a sec... just kidding.
lyric at post:
..there's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find, there's nothing in the world that can change my mind..color>
Spring has sprung. In my head, anyway
I woke up this morning with an extremely strong urge to finally paint over the "bunny" colored walls and replace the carpet I hate with laminate. Which, miracle of miracles, I can actually afford to do. Well, unless the car rental company notices that I stoved in the hubcap on a curb.....And is an incredibly STUPID idea. Not the hubcap. That was a mother-yelling induced accident.
For the simple fact that going away and renting the condo out is the last reason I would want to make the condo the way I always wanted it. That's something to be done when I get back, if I get back.
Put down the paint chips and back away. Slowwwww-ly. That's a girl.
Thursday, April 08, 2004
little bits
I really, really liked this - I vote it the most well-put whatthehellamIdoinghere post of the month...(apologies cause I'm sort of behind here....)So, why then, do I post these written words here, for all the world to see, when I have no intention ever, or at least until I'm dead and gone, of sharing them with those who love me? I think it's this. That I have a need to share the words with someone, without judgment or repercussion. That I seek out validation, or comment, or rebuttal, of the things I think and feel, from minds who have no stake in it.
Someone has taken to posting bits of me on Blorgy, which is incongruously frightening and exhilarating at the same time. On the one hand, it makes me feel somewhat exposed, but on the other, that's part of the point of having this a public place. So, I don't mind, so much, as it invites new minds to enter here, read a bit and leave a thought, feedback or the occasional email. This in turn makes me think, or re-think, and fuels me to go on with this exercise in figuring out just who I am and where I fit in the scheme of things.
I like to believe when I'm taking my daily stroll through the lives of the bloggers I've come to know (and adore) that I'm seeing them as they see themselves. Most probably in a way that few of the "real" people who know them can. I like to believe I'm learning what makes them individuals, what separates them as selves, and yet, at the same time, what links us all together.
I guess I hope I'm learning the same things about my own self, and sharing it, too, as I go. And that's what draws me to this place.
I got a really nice card from the vet yesterday, handwritten and personal, which said, in part - "She was a fortunate dog to have someone who loved her so much." How nice is that?
What else? hmmmmm..... An article this week in Macleans entitled A Rude Awakening that I found particularly interesting. Especially after being shoulder-slammed by some guy who just refused to move over on the sidewalk today, although I had nowhere to go and he had tons of space. If I hadn't been calorie-cramming and trying to get back to the office with my two Big Macs before they got cold (well, and my boss hadn't been there) I would have said something quite....unladylike....
Scott had requested I send out the pics that he never got waybackthen, and so I did, one of which was the one below (horrified, later I realized I still have that SWEATER - packrat alert. I really should spring clean ..er... life clean). His response today included the comment "Did we have hair or what?" Which I (fortunately) restrained myself from answering. But, oh, classic Chandler "Too...many...comebacks...cannot...decide." Since I still have all my hair and he ...er... doesn't. He should know better than to leave himself all open like that.
Oh, yeah, one person at least needs to say he has wonderful dimples, or something. Cause he was always better looking than me back then, even though people thought we were brother and sister. And the only blonde I've ever dated.
O God, I just saw a commercial for adult ADD. One of the side-effects is menstrual cramps. What if you're a man? Cause I think T1 has it.
And with that, I am done babbling. Cheers.
lyric at post:
..When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am..color>
Long weekend
It's 6:30 pm on (my) Friday night, because tomorrow is a Stat holiday and I am still at work. I still haven't decided on what to keep and what to toss on the site during the revamp. Do I toast the archives? Password the shit out of them? Wait until Blogspot plus comes back up and do it then? Pull out the posts I want to keep (ie: the Munchkin chronicles) and put them in the Tombs? So, I hung around to backup the posts and am now sitting with my feet up having a beer while I print out my entire site on the color printer.Amazingly, there are other people here. And, just walking around, they're all doing pretty much the same thing as me.
Well, except for printing out my site, that is. Man, there's a lot of shit in here. An entire 3 inch binder and I didn't even do March yet. Bleh, too bored for that.
Should I just create a multiple blog site and delegate the existing 8 months to a second blog so that a new Random Gestures is born on this page? I'd like to stop the pages from cache-ing. That's the issue I'm having now and I can do that but ahhhhh, it's work. Lots of work and I don't know if I want to do it for all browsers. I wish I knew how long Blogspot Plus was going to take, it's been the entire 6 months I've been here so far. What to do?
Hmmph. I guess I'll pack up the work I have to do this weekend (yup, working from home), crank up the walkman and consider it on the walk home. I'm getting hungry, it's time to calorie load again.
the first sign of Armageddon
I woke up this morning smiling for absolutely no reason that I could come up with.I am NOT a morning person. And I'm not taking the happy pills yet.
I don't think I've woken up and done that in at least three years, maybe more.
Better get out back and start digging the bomb shelter, kids.
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
yes, now completely home again
Actually got back in the groove today at work, went for a haircut and then off to see my little funny doctor (LFD). T2 yells as I leave - "Tell him no more pills that make you barfy!" LFD kept me waiting exactly an hour, sits me down and says, "Are you irritated?" Uh, no, but I was thinking about laying down on the floor for a nap. So, no longer irritated, concentration better. Of course, there's a down side to that, right?I just dropped five lbs in three weeks. I now officially weigh LESS than what I was when was 16. In 198-freaking-5. Three weeks ago I was 134 and now I'm 129. So, I'm still in the normal range for BMI but there's the fact that I stopped sleeping again and completely lost my appetite somewhere back on Saturday. I've only been able to eat cold food for some reason. Fruit, veg, green salad, ice cream. Not even coffee. Grrr.
Following in the grand footsteps of PornyBoy's medical miracle of having colic at 38, I am now also a medical miracle for having unheard of and unknown side-effects on the lowest freaking dose of Celexa possible, which is supposed to be the one with the *least* incidence of side-effects.
I *gently reminded* LFD that I hated taking drugs and that there is a reason for that. Cause I always get the strangest side effects. Makes me less inclined to take ANYTHING after awhile.
So, LFD just sits there shaking his head at me for a while and muttering "that's not s'posed to happen"before he says, "Okay, we're going to stop you cold turkey and give you something else." I figured that was a good time to ask him if it was an okay time to try and quit smoking again. He actually cackled with something close to glee, I swear, and said, "Perfect! Yes, cause you know you have to and I was going to put you on Wellbutrin! Two birds! One pill!"
Cause of course, Wellbutrin and Zyban are the same thing. And it makes you happy. Since I'm already fairly cheerful, I guess in a few days I'll be psychotically cheerful. I may just start wearing gingham sundresses yet, yj.
Kay, serious topic changing for rest of the post..... I passed 'BadAss' on the bus (it's a coffee place) and the sign says "We never FREAKING close!" lol.
My aunts coming out from New Zealand for a visit! Yay! Next month.
Tony:there has found a relief driver for two weeks in July so we are going on a road trip. He's never been to the US. Yes, that's what I said. Never. He'd never been really off the island until four years ago. He's very mistrustful so I'm not sure that's such a good idea. But, we'll see.
What else? It's very quiet here without Herself. There is no one in the kitchen watching over dinner for me, because I'm STARVING and am going to pack in a shitload of calories before I start the other pills tomorrow. Just in case. Which brings me to the next thing I wanted to say....
When I came home on Monday last week and I logged in, I was overwhelmed repeatedly by the emails, the comments here and in other places and donna's sweet post about Lacey and I, especially this bit - -
So, in the spirit of a well articulated blog, and Lacey whom we somehow all love now...
You guys have all been wonderful and it's makes me glad that I've been able to make her come alive for you in such a way that you have come to care for her too. In jen,also's words, I may have been feeling very lonely that day, but I did not feel quite so alone anymore. And for that, you have my heartfelt love and appreciation. Lacey's too, I'm sure. And just now, I've found this one and I *shamefully* did not mention Pornyboy's wonderful guest blogging as I was going to email but hell, I can do that too. All of you make this strange world a more wonderful place to be.
And, last but not least before I go eat a bucket of ice cream.... a picture from 1987. Just because everyone must be wondering about Scott and I don't want to post a recent pic so this is a few months after we met. It all finally ground to a halt (ie: he got tired of waiting) in mid-1991. Which makes me laugh because he's got green eyes and I had to fix the red-eye which made me think of Sunday when I took his picture and he said, "Was there a red-eye flash?" Some things never change. Okay, a lot of things never change..... :)
And, it really *is* good to be home. Pray for coffee tolerance to return. I need my caffeine.
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
firmly home. mostly
I think Tony:there summed it up pretty good last night with the following conversation:he: "I think it was a good idea to get away after the dog, Jen, but I'm not sure this is the best place for you to have come. You didn't need to know that Scott's mom had died, that B almost did, you didn't need to tell us all what happened yet. You just try and do too many things all at once. And I think it's just psychotic that you and Scott both carry a torch after fifteen years."
me: "Maybe you're right but I needed to get this all over and done with and I wanted to make sure Scott was happy but somehow I think "I keep busy at work and buy lots of toys" isn't really any big indication of happiness - and hey! it's not psychotic, it's just the way we are. It all just seems so normal."
he: "Yeah, well I'm not much of a romantic. What's done is done. If he called you and asked you to come home, would you?"
And, that one, I couldn't answer. But, you know, I probably would.
Anyways, whatever. Going there is good for me but it's emotionally and physically draining. I pushed myself way too hard but now it's over with and if I go back for the Lester's wedding then I'll see them all again and there hopefully, won't be a shitload more bad news.
It's funny a little too, because I talked to T2 about it today and he said that he had the same thing back on the island but that she wouldn't talk to him or see him, even though he thinks it's something they have to talk about and he admires me for making sure I saw Scott.
I get the feeling that that's not over and done with though. Just a feeling. Could be residual "going home / island vacation" hangover. The last two days whenever I go there are always with my head back in Calgary and this time the last three days were continual hits of bad news, anger and sadness with a whole bunch of knowing people there needed me and I failed them in a way but that they still love me (and I them) just as much as ever.
With all those guys that's my fault because as Scott said, "You dropped off the face of the planet eight years ago and we never knew where you were until four months ago." That was what had to be done, the last time I saw them I was off to Ontario and he'd just gotten married and it wasn't until I got back that I realized there was no longer any reason to stay. That in fact, it would have been bad for both of us if I had.
But, seeing them all after so many years, feeling a bit like I should have been there, felt like being trapped between two different lives with no idea which way to turn.
So, the plan is now, to get some sleep and I think maybe this weekend I may just revamp the entire site. Lacey's gone, I've told who needs to be told about the big C, I've cleaned some things up in my head. It's time to make some changes and get on with what I want to do.
Monday, April 05, 2004
is it time yet?
Very bad sleep last night, but I've drug myself out of bed and am checking email before packing up my suitcase and the laptop and checking out of the hotel. Then I'm hiking (or crawling by the way I feel) with Brent, stopping off to see my brother, going to Tony:there's to get my tea and then I'm off home. Thank god. I'll be back tomorrow or Wednesday.Sunday, April 04, 2004
little conversations
he: "So, how come you never got married?"me: "Well, here's where I get to blame it on you. Are you sure you want to hear this?"
he: "Yes"
me: "You were too tough of an act to follow. You were supposed to come back."
he: "Jen, YOU left ME."
me: "I know, but I was going to sow my oats and get my shit together and you were going to come back. And you never did. We were supposed to be on the same page."
he: "It might have helped if you'd told me what was going on."
later. he: "So, did you? Sow your oats and get your shit together?"
me: "Yes. Yes I did. And now I'm done."
So maybe I didn't really have to write about him. I just had to sit there and look at him after not having seen him for eight years. And he sat there and looked at me. And everything that was ever there, still is. And I said a little bit of what I had to say. And, maybe, that's just going to have to be enough.
I'm tired of being here, right smack dab in the middle of every stupid mistake I ever made. And when he asks me if I'm happy and I say, without even thinking, that yes I am -I'm not sure if I'll ever really mean that. I don't say that I'm as happy as I can be but when I ask him if he's okay and he does say he's as happy as he can be, that he keeps busy with work...well, that just has to be enough. But is it? Can it be? We both are paying more attention to the things we can't say. And Mike just sits there and looks at us.
It think sometimes that we made decisions that seemed to be reasonable and informed at the time, only to learn later that they may have been imprudent. You thought you got what you wanted, only to discover perhaps you did not. You saw yourself as wise and mature enough to make the right choices, only to realize you were not. And then, without, quite understanding how you got there, you found yourself in a place you didn't really want to be, with no viable way out.
I took my lecture like a big girl because if there is anyone I'd quit smoking for it would be him. And since that is the next big thing I have to do, I promised him I would email him when I did it. And we laughed when I said, "I think of you everytime I go to the bank - my PIN number is still ......(year and engine size of his car in high school)" And he dimples at me and says, Mine's still the same too. Because his had something to do with me.
Life is too short for this. Life is too short to be without the people you love. And sometimes, that's just not possible and I think that may be the saddest thing of all.
I want to go home now. I love this place just as much as I hate this place. I've done the best I can with it, this week, but now, I just want to go home.
lyric at post:
..these little conversations, well for me they'll never do
now what am I supposed to do with broken sentences of you?..color>
not the best idea I've had after five beers
I knew that I would at some point tell Tony:there about the lung cancer. And it had to be done face to face. But maybe it shouldn't have been after he'd had 8 or nine beers. C'est la vie, I guess. But fuck is he pissed off. I cried. He yelled. So, now I'm laying on the couch, eyes all puffy, trying to drink another gallon of water. And he's not answering his phone. At least I'm not carrying it around anymore and I've been dreading the telling. He'll assimilate it and find some way to deal with it. Or not. I'm not really sure at this point. But I be leaving tomorrow so he better figure it out quick. I'd gotten so good at the telling the last few months that I didn't factor in the sheer Tonyness.And how is that for a completely discombobulated post? gahh.
