Saturday, December 20, 2003
WTF?
I just remembered part of a conversation before the trapping in the corner confessions that made me laugh for a good oh, two minutes. Right out loud. My company works with W's company (just can't away from him, really) and it's contract renewal time.he: "Can you get your boss to knock $3,000 off the contract price? You guys are charging us an outrageous amount. Tell G I'll give the money to you for three nights of sex."
me: "Jesus, W, you really are a shit, aren't you?"
he: "You see, honey, you're just so negative. I just said I would pay you a thousand dollars a night. THAT'S A COMPLIMENT!"
I do have to give him credit though, he followed it up with how absolutely hot I looked. In baggy cargo pants and a dirty tee shirt. Insisting I carefully planned my attire to accentuate my gorgeous self. I just couldn't make him understand that I put on what fell out of the closet when I opened the door which made me feel a bit stupid as he proceeded to go over the outfit and point out it's high points. He hasn't lost the knack of redeeming himself, thank god, given the severity of his foot-in-mouth disease.
As sassy says so well
I've got my own little bag of W under the bed. And honestly, that's not a bad thing.
disparities in memory
He spoke last night about how badly he had wanted to figure it out, to figure me out, how much he had wanted to make it work if only I would have let him. That I had been very clear on it being only physical. But I remember him telling me he would never date someone he worked with. I remember him indicating that that was all he would accept. I remember trying to find some way to break down his walls and make him love me, make him see me.I remember listening to him for hours, fascinated and lost in the amazing and carefully constructed world he had in his head. I remember a day we spent in his darkened office surrounded by his favorite things, after I had left the company but could still get through the security doors on the floor, debating which finger his new ring looked best on. I remember that as being one of the most perfect times of my life, there, with him. With his singleminded seriousness about something so inconsequential. I remember being completely infatuated with everything he did, every move he made. I remember Colleen nicknaming him "GQ" because he always was ...just....so. I remember his apartment and his 10 pairs of runners, like Seinfeld. I remember the dog hating him and peeing where his shoes had been, every time he left, as if she knew how protective he was of them. I remember awkward moments where neither of us could ever say what we wanted to. He remembers the day I called him to say, "I've just gotten a new bed, want to come over and help me break it in?" He remembers wanting to stay and me making him leave. I remember being so afraid that he would reject me. I remember a drunken summer afternoon in which he kissed me in the middle of the street and told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life kissing me as cars honked all around us.
And now, I remember last night, when he told me that I was the best he ever had as he leaned up against me and whispered to me to feel how his body reacts every time he sees me. And as he reached out to touch my face and tell me that he would spend the rest of his life thinking about me when he's with someone else. And I can see in his eyes that he means it, that all he's saying is true, even though he will never do anything to change it. I can see that in a day, or in a year, I can call him up and have him there, for a brief moment, if only I could bear to let him go again.
And I wonder, how I could ever have became that person to him? That person you spend your existence being lonely without.
And then I think, how is it possible that he's made himself that person to me?
Eternal yearning and passion it may be, but I don't think it was ever really love. And it's far too late now to find the truth of what it could have been.
neil @ 11:09AM | 2003-12-23| I find this very deep, and it makes me sad. I still struggle to find words that might console you. What's with the ' I find this very deep' stuff? I don't know. Guess I just want you to know that you have paid your dues, and the good stuff will come.
Thursday, December 18, 2003
humor me, will ya?
and get that "this is so beneath me" look off your face....
she's just embarrassed that I made her pose with her teddy bear, not realizing how lucky she is that I didn't drape little lit-up lights around her.
Jo @ 2:30PM | 2003-12-19| Awwwwww, look at the Munchkin, too cute! Ahhh miss ya darlin' where you been keeping yourself???? Word. Peace out.
Monday, December 15, 2003
I liked this, so I'm going to keep it here, just in case enetation goes tits up....Today was a bad day. And nothing really happened. We shopped for the families, I wrapped all the presents. Scaryboss called from Texas so I could put her on hold on her cell phone for 20 minutes and argue with the travel agent about whether there was a flight 20 minutes earlier than the one we'd booked her on. Only to confirm, yet again, that there wasn't, whereupon she told me I was stupid and said she'd do it herself. Go fill your boots, baby.
The paycheque came in. The paycheque went out.
I came home. Felt the dogs leg, which feels like the contraption holding it together snapped. I sat down and cried. I looked for part-time jobs on the net, like that would even help at this point. Now I'm going for a bath. And then maybe I should check the leg again. Just in case.
We have some HR meeting on Wednesday, then I'll be taking the rest of the week off. I'm not sure it's what I need, but it's the only thing I can think of to do at this point. Get rest.
And rather than depress anyone else any further than I already have, I may just be a little erratic about posting. If you don't have anything nice to say......
Day 7 v.3
Sunday, December 14, 2003
a walk
On fairly warm winter days we lengthen our morning walk to encompass a full square block as opposed to the half block we usually do, mostly in deference to age, a fake knee and arthritis, with a little dose of mom's inability to stand about in the cold while she stops every two feet to investigate.This morning we met a little shitz-u (that's phonetic spelling as I don't know the real spelling), whose name was "Mike". Her Highness is a little unpredictable around others of her species, although she tends to go postal only in the vicinity of large dogs. Cause that would be sensible? He was pretty cute, we walked along a ways and, being a little gentleman, stopped to wait while she peed.
After parting ways we crossed the street, whereupon she immediately hit a large patch of ice and went down. Laying there, looking up at me, as if I should have been there to catch her, I helped her up and we continued on.
She on three legs, me on two.
I thought that she may be able to walk it out but ended up instead carrying her back to the house.
In administering aspirin (I really should buy the coated kind) we tried an orange slice, yoghurt, bread, bread and jam combinations and finally I had to just jam my fingers down her throat and hold her mouth shut. She's now laying in the corner, moaning.
Things like this frighten me greatly. I'm so afraid she'll blow out her other cruciate ligament as now she is far too old for surgery, although the one knee we had repaired was an amazing bit of work, I don't think her wizard surgeon could work around her age at this point even if I could afford the hit, which for surgery like that is currently three of my paycheques.
The leg she's favoring though is the previously operated on one and I doubt she could have blown out the plastic and steel configuration holding it together so I have the feeling she's just pulled the large muscles in her 'thigh'.
I'm off to apply heat.
I could never handle having a child.
Day 6 v.3
