Brinley Swims Again

For the past two months, Brinley has been in swim lessons at the YMCA.

She finished her first swim session last October, and I failed to keep us swimming after that to really drive what she learned home. Winter came, and we didn't find ourselves in the pool again until February. Even then, the pool was cold and the weather was still unpredictable.

After her first lesson session, she barely put her head under the water voluntarily, and on the very last day, she finally jumped into the water by herself towards her instructor. She was still very timid and cautious in the water. I thought she would progress quickly being around other kids, but she held back and didn't really like it.

Brin got a new suit to help channel her inner fish.

I was determined this year to get her swimming. We started the second level in April and again, she was very timid and cautious. I could see glimpses of her wanting to swim like the other kids, and jump in like the other kids, but she just couldn't let herself get into it! I took a video of her with her instructor, thinking she was going to swim back to the wall, but instead I got a shreaky voice and lots of drama. This video still makes me laugh.

"will you hold me" 

On the very last day of her swim class, and maybe it was because Ryan came to cheer her on, she started swimming independently. She was so excited to swim and jump in and interact with her other classmates. It was amazing! I had no idea where this excitement to swim came from!

That Friday, we swam with friends for play group and she was a wild little fish! She was so excited to swim and jump. I knew we had to do the next level quick before she reverted back to her timid ways.

The next class started on Monday. I don't know if she was tired, or intimidated by more kids in the class that were swimming more than her, but she froze up. I knew she wasn't trying her best, but I didn't know how to express that. We had three classes after that first day and they progressively got worse. I felt so embarrassed! Did I rush her into the advanced class too quickly? I was wondering if we needed to go back to the other class. She would yell at her instructors and cling to them like a koala bear if they tried to get her to swim independently. It was bad.

The next day, we got a random package in the mail from my sister. She is the best at spoiling these girls (and me too!). Inside the package was a pair of Sofia the First goggles. She was so excited about them! I told her that they would give her courage in the water. So, on the way to swim the following week, I turned up our favorite pump up song (Brinley calls it her power song) and silently prayed that it would be a new day for her.

She was a new kid in the water. PLUS, she went down the water slide. I could not believe it. She did so well. Swam independently, floated on her back, tried different swimming strokes...I could not believe my eyes!

The day finally came where she would receive her certificate for completing her level! She did a fantastic job and was so strong in the water. She has become so brave and confident. I love watching her from across the pool seeing her be respectful to her fellow swim classmates and especially to her coaches. Her coaches memorized her name the first day of swim and that has made such a difference. That is one thing I have definitely learned teaching my 7 year olds in Primary, learn their names. Learn every child's name! They listen more intently to you and open up more when you know them individually. 

So proud of you, Brinny girl!!! 

"I Just Stay At Home"

Last weekend, I got to be Ryan's plus-1 at the annual county Bar Association Banquet. I borrowed a fancy dress from a friend and even applied eye liner and lipstick!! Ryan wore his best suit and he looked goooood ;-) The past-present and now current president of the Bar Association for our county are both from Ryan's firm, so it was fun congratulating them and acting like "they know me." It was cool. 

Sometime during the night though I realized that I was surrounded by many very successful attorneys, and especially the wives of these attorneys.

One conversation left me feeling pretty pathetic. I hate using that word, but when you feel less than others, pathetic is exactly the word I would use to describe it. 

Wife of attorney: and what is it that you do?

Me: I stay home with our two girls. 

Wife: (no expression or Good for you, how old are your girls? or ANY reaction)

Ryan: (bless his heart trying to keep the conversation from completely bombing) AND she works at Old Navy at night. 

I'm not sure if that made me feel better or worse. I know Ryan was just trying to help. I couldn't help but feel pretty lame. 

I wanted to shout at that lady, "I have a Bachelors degree in Health Science. I made the decision long ago when I was pregnant with our first that I wanted to stay home with her. While I could probably go out and get a job in my field, I choose to stay home and teach and play and comfort and protect our family by staying home with our children."

But if I would have said that, it would have definitely made the situation more awkward. Haha! Can you even imagine??

I've toyed with this many times. To work and help our families finances and comfortability or continue to stay home, struggle a bit financially, but be there for our children. This debacle plays with my "mommy guilt" all the time. I feel guilty to be staying home and not providing financially for our family. To have a college degree that I am not using. To have student loans staring me in the face that I'm unable to pay back because I haven't worked since getting my degree. 

Because from the world's standard, I'm not living up to my potential. I haven't proven myself to society. My talents are better served in a busy world where women wear suits and go to meetings and wear stiletto heels everyday and say and do important things. 

My days are full of dirty diapers, constant runny noses needing to be wiped, preparing, cooking, cleaning, washing, scrubbing, and doing it all over again many times during the day. I am being touched, pulled, or talked to 99% of my day. My "quiet" time is fulfilled by preparing for dinner, doing laundry, scrubbing toilets, or vacuuming. I am constantly trying to learn more about how I can feel more fulfilled in my role of being a mother and how to be more patient, loving, and understanding to my girls needs.

It is kinda hard to explain that to someone who #1 isn't a mother, or #2 doesn't stay home. I'm not saying that if you aren't a SAHM you don't do one or all of these things, but when you have to do them for 12 hours every single day without a break or being able to leave your house or get away for yourself, it's draining. It's exhausting. And guess what? Most of the time it is not rewarding.

I hate that a simple question of What is it that YOU do? can make me second guess everything that I do. I feel like I do a lot. I know I do a lot. For everyone. And guess what? I DO work outside the home. It might be a meaningless retail job to a lot of people, but it is important to me. I run hard all day long, and then I have to rush to make dinner for my family, and then rush to work. I work on my feet for the next 3+ hours running around serving more people. Helping their needs be fulfilled. Thankfully, I feel relaxed there and it is actually really nice to be out of the house, even if I am serving more people and dealing with crazies.

Am I making any sense? Do you struggle with this too?

 I am constantly going back and rereading this beautiful talk by Elder Jeffery R. Holland entitled "Because She Is a Mother." The most profound lesson I learned from reading this talk comes from this quote,

"When you have come to the Lord in meekness and lowliness of heart and, as one mother said, "pounded on the doors of heaven to ask for, to plead for, to demand guidance and wisdom and help for this wondrous task," that door is thrown open to provide you the influence and the help of all eternity. Claim the promises of the Savior of the world. Ask for the healing balm of the Atonement for whatever may be troubling you or your children. Know that in faith things will be made right in spite of you, or more correctly, because of you." 

Oh how easily I forget that I am doing God's work. I am raising and teaching and loving and comforting His children. Then why is so hard remembering this and not feeling like I am doing an important thing? 

A friend posted a similar thought on Facebook a while ago from my favorite author of my favorite  book (and movie) series. Leave it to Harry Potter to really drive it home. J.K. Rowling said, 

"Very early on in writing the series, I remember a female journalist saying to me that Mrs. Weasley, 'Well, you know, she's just a mother,' And I was absolutely incensed by that comment. Now, I consider myself to be a feminist, and I'd always wanted to show that just because a woman has made a choice, a free choice to say, 'Well, I'm going to raise my family and that's going to be my choice. I may go back to a career, I may have a career part time, but that's my choice,' that doesn't mean that that's all she can do. And as we proved there in that little battle, Molly Weasley comes out and proves herself the equal of any warrior on that battlefield."

J. K. Rowling said again,

"...I always saw Molly as a very good witch but someone whose light is necessarily hidden under a bushel, because she [is] in the kitchen a lot and she has had to raise, among others...I wanted Molly to have her moment and to show that because a woman had dedicated herself to her family does not mean that she doesn't have a lot of other talents." quote found here

I don't know about you, but I feel more armored and ready to battle the world after reading that talk and hearing those powerful quotes.

How do you combat these feelings of inadequacy in motherhood? Or am I the only one? 

The Schooner Lily- Jive Ho!

For days leading up to Mother's Day, I noticed Ryan sneaking off to make secret phone calls and texts. The anticipation of his "surprise" was killing me! Since last year on Mother's Day we moved, he was gearing up to make me feel extra special.

Our big date turned out to be a TRIPLE date with our friends (both families are moving this summer...majorly depressed!) for a sunset ride on the Schooner Lily. It was an AMAZING date. We had so much fun. Shared hilarious jokes. And basically established that "what happens on the boat, stays on the boat," because we all experienced some ounce of embarrassment while together. It was an epic date, and I can't wait to go on another sail boat ride!

my lovely friends, Kim and Trish

the gals again with no sunnies

I'm blaming the crazy wind on why my body looks so weird! Blousy shirt did me no justice here. 

group shot!

Thanks for the amazing date, Ryan! You boys did a great job planning it and making us mamas feel special! 

Favorite #whole30 Meals: Chicken Salad

Chicken Salad with Homemade Olive Oil Mayo

Directions:
3-4 chicken breasts, I put mine in a crock pot all day, seasoned with salt and pepper as it cooks
1/2 large apple, diced
2 celery stocks, diced
handful of craisins
handful of sliced almonds
1/2 cup Olive Oil Mayo (recipe here)

Shred cooked chicken. Mix everything in a large bowl with chicken. Allow to chill for 30 minutes in the fridge before serving.

We have eaten ours on romaine lettuce canoes and just by itself. Either way is amazing. Super good.

Happy Mother's Day!

What a wonderful day! Last year, we moved over Mother's Day weekend so I was ready to be spoiled this year :-) Ryan definitely over did himself, as always. We actually woke up before the girls were up, so he was already making breakfast for the two of us. When Brinley came out of her bedroom, she kept saying "Mom! Get back in bed! We are bringing you breakfast in bed!" So she took my hand, and basically forced me back in bed. I ate a few bites, but realized it isn't that much fun eating breakfast in bed alone! I came back out and we all enjoyed our breakfasts together.

Church was wonderful. It was nice to get dressed up after a hard week of crabby kids. Earlier this week, Ellie had to get stitches. She fell in the bathtub and her tooth went straight through her bottom lip and ended up getting 2 stitches. And then the next morning, she woke up with a 102 degree fever that didn't go away until 30 hours later. On top of that, Brinley developed a nasty cold and has been sneezy and coughy all week. Phew--I was ready for some quiet time that my Church hours give me! For the 3rd hour of Church, the Bishopric and Elder's Quorum prepared a wonderful display of fruit and treats for us to just be together and eat and mingle. It was fabulous. They even had a chocolate fountain! I enjoyed some fresh fruit with water and great conversation.

After church, the girls both took a nap and naturally, Ryan and I passed out on the couch. It was heavenly. Napping without interruption from kids was exactly what I wanted on Mother's Day. We had a wonderful dinner, prepared by Ryan. Steak, grilled asparagus, and bell peppers, mushrooms, and onions. So filling and delicious.

I wanted to include these pictures of my mother and her mother, and me and my mother. My Oma has been gone for 12 years now, and as hard as it was on me when she passed, I miss her so much now that I am a mother. I wish I could ask her advice and how she raised her kids and what my mother was like a toddler. It's funny how we can relate to each other just by our simple experiences as a mother. It is hard to recognize a woman's strength when you're a selfish stupid teenager, and I wish I told her how much I loved her when she was alive. I named Brinley after her so I could remember her everyday and have her legacy move forward.

And my own mother. When I was younger, again, a selfish stupid teenager, I thought we were nothing alike. But now--I see that we are very much alike and similar in so many different ways. I look up to her for everything. I call her for the simplest thing and she almost always knows the answer, what to do, and how to make it. I am grateful for her strong example and the woman that she is. She is the best grandma to my girls and they love her dearly for her playful spirit and loving heart. 

I hope everyone had a wonderful day feeling loved and special. I have so many wonderful examples of womanhood and motherhood from the old Grandma's in my ward, to my friends being young moms themselves, and the experienced mamas with busy schedules and a houseful of kids. I love you all! 

Olive Oil Mayo, Whole 30 Style

First things first, I am not an expert on Whole 30. In fact, I still day dream about eating donuts and pizza and my cravings are still wild, but my self control is so strong right now so that is something to celebrate!!

What Whole 30 has taught me so far is that there are so many things I can make, clean and homemade that I never knew I could do before. This has been seriously so eye opening and it has given me courage and power in the kitchen. Cooking clean and healthy for my family has always been important, but I've never really known how. This book, It Starts With Food has changed our lives.

If you're wanting to jump aboard the Whole 30 train, the first thing you need to do is buy the book, and then make an olive oil mayo. You can make salad dressings and it's a great "cream" to add to certain things. The biggest problem I've had with Whole 30 is depth in flavor and change in textures. I've had a few "gagging" episodes and that really put me in a "whole 30 depression" the first few days. The mayo has really helped bring in different textures and foods that you usually pair with normal mayo.
Here is the recipe.

Olive Oil Mayo

1 large egg
2 Tbsp lemon juice
1/4 cup plus 1 cup light-tasting olive oil (not extra-virgin!)
1/2 tsp dry mustard
1/2 tsp salt

Place the egg and the lemon juice in a blender or food processor, cover, and allow to come to room temperature, 30 minutes. Add 1/4 cup oil, mustard, and salt, blend on medium speed until the ingredients are combined. With the motor running, drizzle in the remaining 1 cup oil in a very thin stream; this should take about 2-3 minutes. Store covered in the fridge.

So easy right?? When I made it for the first time I had no hope that it would actually work. I think it is pretty dummy proof if I was able to make it perfect the first time! Let it change your life! We were going through it so quickly, I decided to try and double the recipe, and it actually came together much easier and thicker. Try it!

Here are the accompanying Ranch Dressing and Dreamy Avocado Dressing recipes.

Ranch Dressing:

1 clove garlic, minced
1/4 tsp paprika
1/4 cup fresh parsley leaves, minced
1 Tbsp dried chives
1/2 cup Olive Oil Mayo
1 tsp lemon juice
salt and black pepper

In a small bowl, mix the garlic, paprika, parsley, chives, and mayo with a fork. Drizzle in the lemon juice while continuing to mix, then taste and season with salt and pepper. If your dressing is too thick, add either lemon juice or water--1/4 tsp at a time--until it's the right consistency.

Dreamy Avocado Dressing:

1/2 large avocado
1 Tbsp lime juice
1/4 cup Olive Oil Mayo
1 small garlic clove
1/2 Tbsp pickled jalapeno rings (optional)
1 Tbsp fresh cilantro leaves (optional)
2 Tbsp water
salt and black pepper

Place all ingredients in a blender or food processor and puree to desired consistency, adding additonal water 1 Tbsp at a time, if necessary. Allow the flavors to meld for 30 minutes before serving. Store covered in the refrigerator.

Enjoy!!! I'm going to post some of my other meals I've been making!

**mayo and salad dressings were taken directly from It Starts With Food

Body Image and #whole30

Body image.

day 1- April 30

weight: 133 lbs

Bleech.

So awkward.

Before I talk about my own struggles with body image and health, lets just establish that what might be hard for me, might be easy for you, and what might be easy for me, might be hard for you. We are all different, fighting different battles, and deal with different body image insecurities.

I've never been 100% confident in my body and I'm not sure when it steamed back to but I think it was around Jr. High when all the girls were rails and I was developing up top. I was always pretty thin, but my body was awkward and I didn't know how to dress it, or wear the proper bra to help. My older sister was the athletic one and I usually got all the hand-me-down clothes, which didn't fit me right anyways. We've always had different body types. College was a good time for me. I felt like I came into my own skin a bit, but my eating habits were terrible. Eat whatever I wanted, but then kill myself at the gym for hours afterwards. Late nights, eating out, or starving myself to get back to my shape again. I went to Europe for a month and ate and ate and ate. I probably gained 10 pounds alone from that trip. I definitely don't regret that weight gain. Hello fresh croissants in Paris and all the pizza and pasta in Italy?? It was worth it.

Years later, after getting married, having 2 kids, I still have insecurities. As all women do, we compare ourselves to others. A couple weeks ago, I was chatting with a friend and she completely opened my eyes to a new concept. She said, "if you're a pear, you'll always be a pear. Sometimes you'll be a bigger pear, and other times you'll be a smaller pear, but your shape will always be there." It took me HOW LONG to come to that concept?? I wish someone had told me that 15 years ago!!

About a month ago, I was on Instagram (of course) and I came across quite a few health hashtags like #cleaneats and #whole30. I wasn't sure what they were about, but they definitely had a lot of delicious looking food pictures. They had tips for meals, cleaner eating, and then there was a bunch of talk about this Whole 30 program.

I researched a bit and finally ordered the book on amazon. After the book arrived, it still took me a few days to even open it, or read past the first few pages. Days passed, and I said to myself, you spent money on the book, pick it up and read it, you fool! Hate how lazy I can be sometimes.

So then here we are. The Whole 30 for Ryan and I is more of a detox. Fortunately, I don't have any major health ailments hindering me everyday like some people suffer from but I do suffer from headaches and lack of energy and feeling like a slave to my cravings. I have zero control when it comes to sweets and treats. I buy them. I eat them. And I continue to feel crappy and out of control. Ryan is lactose intolerant so he has always suffered from dairy issues, but hasn't really done anything to help them (even when I constantly nag him about it). He is better at not indulging in sweets like I do, but we definitely enable each other when preparing meals and overeating.

Like I said to myself 6 days ago before starting The Whole 30, you can do anything for 30 days. So for those that don't care much about learning more, in a short explanation, The Whole 30 is a 30 day program/diet/detox (whatever you want to call it) where you eliminate dairy, grains, legumes, and refined sugars from your diet. You eat clean. and fresh for every single meal. You can eat proteins, vegetables, fruits, and the "good fats" from oils and nuts. After those 30 days, you can start introducing those food groups again if you want, or keep going with that eating style.

I thought I was prepared when we started it, but the first day, my body was so angry with me. Constantly hungry, tired, headachey, and just MAD at myself for doing this. That was a clear indicator that whatever I was doing in the past and whatever I was eating in the past was not the best for my body and my health. I had to go to bed in order to get rid of my hunger! The next morning, I felt completely different and happy and energetic. What a change!

We are now on day 6 and while I feel like I am constantly cooking and preparing meals for the next thing or cleaning the same dishes over and over again, we are still plugging along on this journey.

Here are some FAQ you may be wondering about:

1. Are you wanting to eat like this forever? And the answer is no. I do see us doing the Whole 30 a few times a year (if we see changes and feel like we should do it again). Maybe after Christmas and once during the summer. Ryan feels a lack of calories and energy, he's a runner and does not like how his running has been impacted, so I can definitely see us introducing oats and rice back in our diet to help give him more calories. It is also very expensive to eat like this. I've been to the store 3 times in the past week and have spent more on fresh produce than I usually do in a month. And also, we believe that The Whole 30 isn't necessarily keeping with The Word of Wisdom (learn more here) and we want to be obedient to that law. Like it says, everything in moderation.

2. Are the girls eating The Whole 30 too? No, but we are increasing their palettes and introducing new ways of eating things. Ellie has always been pretty picky about what she likes so I feel like I am constantly making 3 different meals every time I am in the kitchen. Brinley has been more adventurous to try new things and is always so interested in "what smells so good."

3. Is this a weight-loss thing? For me, this is not a weight-loss thing. Sure, there are some extra baby lbs that bother me, and if I lose some weight in the process, I am happy to welcome it, but this for me is mainly for my headaches and sugar addiction. It is not fun feeling chained down to headaches and feeling disabled by them. I am tired of it. I know for Ryan, he would like to lose some weight and have this kick-start him back into getting in shape and feeling more energetic.

4. Game changers: making your own olive oil mayo and salad dressings. It makes everything taste richer and it's also a great way to add more fats into your diet. This was HUGE for us. I am so excited about my new skills!

I have no idea what I'll be saying next week about this or even at the end of the 30 days, but what I do know is that I can already feel a difference. I feel a burst of energy. I don't feel chained to eating, or grazing, or needing a treat at the end of the night. But on the other hand, I am also planning a pizza/donut party on Day 31, sooooo good thing this is 30 days right? haha maybe those cravings will die down. I will always be a treat person, that's just my weakness to deal with.

If you are interested in learning more, buy the book! If anything, the book really helped me understand what types of food are doing to my body and how I can eat cleaner everyday.

Here are some pictures of my favorite meals so far:

chicken salad romaine lettuce sliders with homemade olive oil mayo

1-3/random salads getting increasingly better when my homemade avocado salad dressing was made. 4/breakfast-sweet potato hash, 2 fried eggs, avocado, with a splash of hot sauce

1/sweet potato/banana pancakes (delish!!), hard boiled eggs on the first day when I thought I was dying, 3/ breakfast-sweet potato chips, eggs, hot sauce, 4/Dinner-day 5-tuna steak, cauliflower mash with homemade ranch dressing, and green beans

Comment below if you want any of these recipes or how-to's and I'll email them to you.