Smiling Through :)

Over the past week or so, we have moved from 12th to 7th on the housing list! Soon, we will have a place to live together and things will be rushing forward.
The Monday before Christmas I became very ill and saw a doctor. After some tests (they had to stick me in three places to get a blood sample - blast my tiny veins) my doctor returned to the room I was waiting in that had a dragon painted on the wall - that dragon saw me through :) - and told me that I either had a kidney infection or appendicitis. My blood count pointed more closely to a kidney infection. However, he told me he was concerned and that if I got much worse to head to the ER. He prescribed some antibiotics that would dissolve as quickly as if I were hooked up to an IV. Thankfully, within a few doses I started to feel dramatically more healthy and am continuing to improve. I am concerned by how much infection I seem to have all the time, though, so after I have health insurance I'll meet with a doctor and see what we can do.
For Christmas Eve I was able to spend the evening with my parents, my little brother, Brandon, and his girlfriend, Emily. After our traditional finger food dinner (we always have stuff like a relish tray & dip, meatballs, lil' smokies in barbecue sauce, cheeseball & crackers, small sandwiches, etc.), we played Fact or Crap, a really funny game that my sister, Maren, and her boyfriend, Brett gave my dad for Christmas. We had an awesome time and, of course, Brandon won. (Someday! *shakes fist in air*)

Christmas Day my parents and Brandon and I just had a lazy day around my parents' house. Brandon has a really bad sore on his tonsils that got infected, so he spent the day on the couch. Poor boy. He's slowly getting better. For me, it didn't feel like Christmas, which is good becuase it follows along with our plan. (The Plan: we're going to have our Christmas just Johnny and me once we're together in North Carolina with lights and a tree and wrapped presents and the works! Buwahahahahaha!) And in the evening I went back to my apartment and talked the night away on the phone with Johnny. He spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at a couple of different Sargeants' homes and had a good holiday.
There is also some news: Emily actually isn't Brandon's girlfriend. Because he just proposed not long before Christmas!!! She is now his fiancee! They are planning the wedding for February 13th, the day after Brandon's birthday and the day before Valentine's Day. That will be one awesome week for them every year. :D I wanted to wait and make sure they had told people before I wrote about it on my blog. They are a very cute couple and I want to congratulate them and wish them all the happiness the world has to give. Brandon and I did everything together growing up and he is absolutely precious to me. I've missed him a lot over the years since we had to grow up and I'm so glad that when I move away I'll be leaving him with such a sweet girl.
Time is moving and indeed it's stinging without John, but we're moving toward our goal and I'm excited for the times to come. He already has his red beret and is preparing for Jump School in the near future. And he just texted me a picture of "the smallest, cutest pine cone *ever*" - that's the kind of stuff he does to keep me smiling. :) It's working.

Progress :)

The best thing about this time apart is that we can talk on the phone!!! The last time, when John left for Basic, we were only able to communicate through letters (yeah, like snail mail, kids). We've been talking and talking whenever we can - which is part of why my ears are still red, though the hives have been fading away. ;) It's been helping us be strong and keep going.
We are on the housing waiting list. :) In 2-3 weeks we should have a place to live. It kind of feels like the part of the roller coaster ride where you're climbing and climbing and things are about to start getting scary and moving fast. ;) I've been trying to stay focused on preparing to move. Washing and sorting and discarding and donating and so on. Since John was promoted recently, we will be able to live in a nicer place than we expected, possibly a 3-bedroom! That is a relief for me, because I won't be getting rid of as much furniture as I thought. I still don't want to cart a ton of stuff out there, though, so I will keep trimming down our belongings. :)
Miles and I have been adjusting better than expected, as well. It's like we just switched back to our other rhythm. Miles definitely keeps a closer watch on me now than he did with Johnny around. Instead of sitting in the same room, he sits RIGHT next to me on the couch. (He requires his own cushion, of course. There is no cuddling unless it's on his terms. :D ) The kitty has needed more attention because he misses his daddy - and I am just not as fun to play with as John is. ;) I've even been cooking, which was hard for me when we were apart before.

I've written more of the details on how John is doing on his blog at spyder311.blogspot.com if anyone is curious. He joined his unit today and loves the intensity he's found there. He's been craving it since he finished AIT in February. I love that about him. :) He enjoys a challenge and he likes to work hard. It's so refreshing to me because it often feels like life is about cutting corners or dodging responsibility. But Johnny relishes the task and strives to exceed expectation. It's awesome.
We, sadly, will be apart for Christmas. But, we decided to take a friend's advice and celebrate it together after we are reunited. We'll put up a tree and lights and wrap presents and everything. :) And we'll be able to talk on the phone together on the 25th, so it will still be a merry day. We'll just stretch it out and let the Christmas Spirit hang out with us for a while. ;)
Everything is going to be ok. No matter what. :)

Let the adventure begin. :)

Yesterday we had our last day together for a while. We had to run up and get the rest of the paperwork from John's recruiter in the afternoon and all of the recruiters wished us luck and told me to call them if I need anything at all. :) We'd both been too nervous all day to eat and it was about 2 o' clock, so we decided to grab some lunch. We decided to head over to La Dolce Vita. Since 2 is kind of a slow time for restaurants, we had the place to ourselves! We split the gnocchi lunch special and talked about all the good things ahead of us in life. And over our tiramisu we wished each other a Merry Christmas, just in case. We had a mini Christmas meal together. =) It was heavenly. Our own little world enveloped La Dolce Vita for a little while. :) I could watch the stress melt off of John while we sat there eating together. The color came back to his cheeks, the sparkle back to his eyes.

John's buddy Jesse had agreed to drive us up to the MEPS hotel that John would stay the night in before flying out with the other Army guys in the morning. So, we all headed up together, checked Johnny in, had some Burger King for dinner, wandered about in Barnes and Noble (and picked up a Halo book for John to read during the flight since he forgot a book and I knew he'd be sad and nervous on the plane without something to distract him - he's made himself sick enough with worry as it is) and eventually said a tearful, hug-so-tight-you-can't-breathe goodbye in the underground parking lot. Then Jesse drove me home and I did a lot better this time emotionally - just a few tears at first, then we just talked and listened to music. When I got home, I fed the furball that kept rolling around on the floor and meowing his little "pirrup" to be cute enough to be rewarded with noms. :D
Sadly, a little later, behind my ears and the back of my neck, upper back, and arms were itching and burning. Yep. I broke out in hives from stressing out too much. :-S Such a silly Tiney.
A mistake was made, though, and there was no plane ticket for my Johnny. So now he will be flying out tomorrow and he and I have been chatting online today (he has his lappy). That's the way it goes. So, here I am drugged up with Benadryl at the computer chatting with mah boy (refraining from itching... mostly). :D
This starts the adventure, eh? Here we go!

Like Smoke

Well, here we are. At this junction again. It's funny how when John got back from his trainings we were relieved because we wouldn't have to be apart again for a long time. :D Not even a year later, we'll be saying goodbye again. Not for as long (at least it better not be, cause that would annoy my landlord a bit), but it doesn't make it easier.
Last time I was weak. I admit that. Honestly, I had leaned on John a bit too much without realizing it. It made me a lot stronger to be on my own. It is hard to be alone. You have to be alright with yourself. And if you aren't, you gotta learn to be or it won't get any better. We all have our little voids inside that we try to fill with anything other than self-love. For some reason it feels wrong to love oneself, it feels selfish. I think asking everyone else to love you without giving back is selfish and that most people that act that way do it because they don't know how to love themselves. Loving yourself isn't selfish at all. It's important. It makes it easier to accept the love of someone else and to give love back to that person.
I'm hoping that I've maintained some of the strength I gained the last time we were apart - otherwise, what was the point, eh? I hope I handle things better this time. If not, I apologize in advance for any whining found here. ;) Pathetically, I've tried to push John away lately because in my mind I think that will make it easier. It doesn't, of course. It's still going to hurt. "Pain is the awareness of life," though. It's unavoidable. Whenever I was about to get a cortizone shot or a nerve block I'd tell myself, "It's just pain. Just feel it. Don't resist it. Just feel it, then let it go." And I relaxed and handled the pain and it lingered and faded and eventually was gone. Like smoke.
So, that's what I'm going to try to do emotionally. It's going to hurt. I'm going to take it. And eventually, it will be gone. Another quote I love is that "it's not brave if you're not scared." So, hey, I guess I'm being brave. :)

Running out of sand in that hour glass...

We had a fun Thanksgiving. It was just John and I and my parents this year. My little brother went to Thanksgiving with his cute girlfriend. ;) We had a simple meal with turkey and all the trimmings. It was fun to just enjoy my parents for the holiday. My dad, John, and I went for a walk and talked together while my mom rested from her triumph in the kitchen. =) We had to head home early, though, so John could sleep a little more before he went to work that night. It was a memorable day for us. My parents have become cozier over the years. And, though we've had our troubles along the way, I'm going to miss them so much. I can see them as people now, not just parents. I've learned a lot from them.

John has been finishing up the busywork he needs to get taken care of before he leaves. He will be done with his job as a mentor on the 3rd, then will have his last drill weekend the 4th-6th. And I take him to his hotel on the 8th and he flies out on the 9th. It makes me a little sad because we will have little time together before he leaves and trying to say goodbye to everyone is getting tricky. It doesn't even feel like we're moving away. We aren't packed or anything, so it just feels like John's off to training again or something. Nothing feels final because I'm not sure when I'm going. It could be right away or it could be a while.
We've decided we'll probably drive out with Miles when we do move. This will be somewhat traumatic for all of us - he yowls in the car until we are back home... But, we're going to get a little harness for him and talk to our vet about what we can do to make it a smoother trip for us all. It will be an unforgettable journey no matter what. ;)
We're just planning on enjoying every second together and with our friends and family that we can until Johnny goes. :)

First Date

Well, I've been stressed out a bit lately - change creeping closer does that to me. And the other day I decided to get a little dressed up, just because I feel a little better when I get to look pretty. (Silly, I know, but it's fun.) We needed to run to the store to get a few things that night, so John said he'd run out and clean up the car a little. I decided to rearrange the shower curtain - so Miles can play with even more of the wet little drops on it, his favorite thing to do - and my phone start buzzing and ringing in my pocket. I pulled it out and saw that my Johnny-boy was calling. :) I answered and he asked, in a suave voice, if I was busy that night. I blushed and giggled like a dopey schoolgirl and said that I wasn't. He apologized for being so last minute, but asked if I could be ready in about 5 minutes. Well, of course, I could be since I already was, so I said yes. A minute later, there was a knock at the front door. I opened it to see my husband on the doorstep.
"Ready?" His eyes were sparkling with mischief. He loves to be sneaky. He took me to dinner, acting all along like it was our first date. We talked about music and tv shows and our families - not much about moving or army stuff or being terrified about relocating across the country. We love to go to Carrabbas and get soup together. A snow storm had just started when we arrived and it had gone by when we headed out to the car afterward. Then we went to get groceries and came back to our little apartment and just enjoyed being together. Sadly, we watched Transformers 2, which we hadn't seen yet and was a massive disappointment, but we didn't let it spoil it a bit; we just started making fun of it by inserting our own lines throughout. I actually got a backrub out of it, as well. (You can guess who picked that movie and who'll get to pick the next one. ;)
Granted, we're a couple of idiots, but I really needed that night. It helped the stress to let go of me for a little while. Johnny even warmed up the rice bag (it's a small fabric bag - with it's own little pillow case - filled with uncooked rice that you can microwave for a minute or 2 and will hold the heat and work like a heating pad) for my achey shoulders, which also helped my muscles to unclench. I slept really well that night. I'm so lucky to be married to such a sweetheart.
Also, an announcement: that same cute puppy that took me on such a romantic date also got a promotion this week. He is now going to be a Private First Class. He had to pass his PT test, which gave him a little trouble; running in the Utah winter air is very difficult and has been hard on his lungs. But, he did it. I'm so proud of him! He's a first rate soldier, as well as a first rate husband. I really am scared to move somewhere I've never even seen, but I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else. We'll hold each other up. :)

New Paths Ahead

Well, it looks like there will be a lot of changes coming up. I'll admit I'm scared. I've spent most of my life in Utah. :-/ I want change to happen, but it's always a bit daunting. We've both been more stressed since we found out, but it's bringing us closer instead of making us fight more or something. It's been really nice - it's like we've been knit together somehow.

We're on our way to a place where we will be pretty alone. Our weekends will be less busy, family and friends all far away. But, that also means that we will learn to take care of each other better. We'll have a chance to be more self-sufficient. John's work schedule has been hard on us - especially when I sleep at night, which isn't happening so much tonight. (I've been stressing a bit too much and laying in bed tends to torture me the last week - I start thinking about all the things I need to do that I'm not sure how to do...)
To make this less scary, we've been talking about all of the cool things that we'll be able to do. We realized we'll be in an ideal location for traveling. John can show me West Virginia, like he always had wanted to. We can visit Virginia, we can head over to Florida, or up to Maryland or New York. My buddy Mark is in New York, so it will be awesome to go up for a visit. I haven't seen him since I was 19 or 20! We've kept in touch, though, which is pretty awesome. And we can find a lot of the Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives Guy Fieri visited. :-D And we realized that after a little we won't be so poor anymore. We can have a big deal for Valentine's Day or our birthdays. We can go all out for our anniveraries. (Man, the next one will be 7! That's crazy!) And: Disneyworld would be a possibility, yo! (Btw, I don't think I'm a gangster. The word "yo" is basically a Japanese exclamation point. ;)
The ocean will be close, too. I've only seen an ocean 2 times, during high school choir tours. And we'll be able to eat some fresh sea food. I've been wanting to try sea scallops for a long time. :) Maybe we'll try some Rhode Island Clam Chowder IN Rhode Island. Ooh! And you know what's in Rhode Island? TAPS! That's right, the Ghost Hunters are there. I wouldn't harrass them, of course. Just like drive past the place and stare pathetically... ;) And we could head out to Manhattan and see the sights.
It will be hard to leave, though. Especially after thinking we'd be here for the holidays. But, this way will be good, too. We'll start the new year in our new place. (Hopefully... that'd suck if we didn't get a place by then.)

John's been realizing that he'll be joining quite a well-known aviation unit. There's a good chance that he could become a red beret. And he will probably get to go to jump school to learn how to jump out of helicopters. This will be a really good opportunity for him. :) It will be a lot of responsibility, which can be intimidating, but I know Johnny can handle it.
*sigh* What a year we're going to have, eh? Get ready for the ride. You all can always read what's going on with us - here in this little spot of blog on the internet. ;) I'll make sure to keep you all updated on our lives. So, in a way, you're coming with us. =)

News

John went to MEPS - the processing place - yesterday and today to be processed into the Army. We knew that he might need to requalify with a new MOS (his specific job in the Army) and that if he did there would be a few months of training. But, there was an opening for a 15P Flight Ops (the MOS he's already been in) and he took it. :)
Drum roll................ We will be moving to Fort Bragg, North Carolina in December! John will need to be there by the 9th and I will probably end up moving out a week or two later, depending on how the waiting list is for housing. We'll be able to check about how long the wait will be online and stuff, though. In any case, John should be able to come back and we'll move out together if it happens later.
This has been a lot to take in. We had been told that we would most likely be shipping out in Jan/Feb, so all the urgency to be ready I'd had kind of took a back seat. So, when John said December 9th I almost had an aneurysm. The awesome thing is that the Army will be sending people to pack for us - so it's a good thing I'm bad at it. I'll just unpack those 2 boxes. ;) Since the Army will be responsible for transporting our property, they prefer to pack it themselves to ensure minimal damage. =) The only things we need to pack are the things we'll want to have with us in our vehicle (like Miles and his stuff and our clothes and such for our trip out).
We'll be there for 3 years. We're excited! And nervous! It's so good to finally KNOW. Now we have a goal we're working toward. It will be awesome.

Here was the line... where are you standing?

Today was a weird day. John's recruiter needed to copy some of our important records and such, so we went up there today. John warned me ahead of time that this guy is a good recruiter, but that he can be a bit of a jerk sometimes. I was ready for it, but you know how some guys like to embarrass someone in front of his wife by being really rude to him? Yeah, that started happening.
It began with him telling my husband, "You're not too bright," because John hadn't been aware you can't use the same person as a reference for two different things. I don't think it warranted that, but John's a private and this guy was a Sargeant First Class, so they kind of just have to take it from them. If they retort back, they can receive disciplinary action. He kept making waspish remarks like that, "If you had read the directions done it right the FIRST time" and such. I started getting annoyed when he gave me one of those maniacal grins and asked me, "Don't you just love being a private's wife?" I gave him a sarcastic laugh with a glare to let him know I wasn't amused.
Then he starts working with another guy and lets us sit there waiting. This other guy was wondering about getting a bonus. The recruiter turned to us and called my husband by our last name and asked if he cares about a bonus. John responded that he didn't and the recruiter said that John knows to answer like that because he'd punch him in the face if he didn't. Then he looks squarely at me with that same I'm-enjoying-this expression and said, "You know I'd punch him in the face, right? I'd punch him in the face!" and he and the other guys start laughing.
Note: do not push Christine. She doesn't like it and is not afraid of confrontation and will use whatever terminology the other party needs to hear to get the message through.
I was laying back comfortably in my chair, my arm hanging down at my side. I merely turned my head to look more squarely back at him and said calmly, "Honestly, if you did I'd take it to your balls." All speaking in the small building ceased and another Sargeant's head popped out of his cubicle to see what had happened. It was a bit uncouthe of me, but I needed to shock him out of his little ego trip. (I told my mother and she even agreed I needed to be harsh with him, which surprised me.) Flustered as a couple of the other guys started laughing, he was like, "Why ya gotta take it all personal?" still playing it off like we're joking around. I shrugged and said, "I'm a woman, I take everything personally."
He finished up with the other guy and came over and was very respectful and congenial and even apologized a little bit, explaining he was covering for some other Sargeants that are out of town and very stressed today. I let it laugh off and we finished things up on a good note. He just needed to understand that though my husband is a private, I am not and if he pushes at me I can and will push back. I don't think there will be any more unprofessionalism on his part from now on.
I stayed calm and unaffected until we had driven about a block away and I got the shakes. I'm not afraid of confrontation and I'll do it when necessary, but oh I hate it. I've been pretty tired. It was worth it, though. No one calls my husband stupid and threatens to hit him in the face in my presence, and they especially don't get away with taunting me with that bad behavior. He was out of line and now he knows it.
I think I freaked myself out much more than him, anyway. I still can't really believe it.

*creak*... Did you hear that? >:D

Last Halloween, Johnny was in Basic Training and I dressed up as John here for my costume. (It was pretty funny.) So, this year we decided to be a pair of spiders, startling all as we creep by. >:D
There were parties and such going on, but we decided just to be together. We did visit my family for a while and helped out my little brother with his costume. He went as Schroeder (the dude with the piano from Peanuts) and his date masqueraded as Lucy (as in Linus and...). We even found our old little toy piano in the attic for him to carry around and put the Linus & Lucy theme song on his phone so when people asked about their costumes, he could play the song as a hint. ;) That was a lot of fun. I'm hoping he got pictures. John's sister and her boys came by for a surprising trick-or-treat, too. It was funny, cause John didn't recognize them at first because they are getting so tall! :)
The night before Halloween, we watched Aliens. We've been going through the Alien movies; my interest was piqued when I learned these movies were the inspiration for Metroid, my all-time favorite game series. It is so awesome to find out that my long-time foe, Ridley, is the director's namesake. To see that Ridley's tail is exactly like the queen's tail, the noise they both make being similar, as well. Ripley, the main character who is an awesomely brave woman, shows me aspects of Samus Aran. Boo-yah!
So, after a proper creature feature the night before, we went for our favorite Halloween cartoons: It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown and Garfield's Halloween. (It's especially awesome because Lou Rawls sings the songs in the Garfield specials from back in the day!) We also enjoyed Bell, Book, and Candle - a 60s flick about witches and such starring Kim Novak and Jimmy Stewart. We really appreciate little things, like handing out candy together, as we remember the difficult times from last year.
The only thing that scares me, the most frightening night of the year, is the idea that we might never have met. Here's to you, Johnny.

Believe it, baby! :)

I've been realizing more and more lately what power belief really has. Since I began believing I am strong, I've become stronger and done things that I never would have done. Just believing in my potential for strength has helped cripple my fears. It's also helped me face down the past and let it go. And when I believe in John, his belief in himself is stronger and he does better at what he's working at.
I've always been a worrier. "What if" has been a prominent question along the way. I've also been a bit of a pleaser, always wanting approval. But believing that I can handle whatever could happen has helped push out the worry - not all the way, but we're all a work in progress, right? Somehow in this change, I found the courage to be honest with myself and others. When confronted with a problem, I used to let anger give me strength, which is easy to do and what we often see in the media. But calm honesty and control of emotion brings a much better result. (Though sometimes anger can be necessary, appropriate, and useful, I'll admit. But not always.) This is a very recent discovery, but I'd like to keep it by my side. And hey, maybe this worrier will become a peaceful warrior (if you've read Way of the Peaceful Warrior, that makes even more sense).
In other news, John met with the Sgt. Major he needed to and learned that they JUST changed the rules and that he doesn't have to meet with the General. He basically just has some paperwork left to do (that we know of) and once we turn it in to another Sargeant who will take it to the General, we are done. And, in case anyone wondered, I am still not far in the packing. I've been sick again - ick - which has thrown a wrench in the gears. But, it's getting easier and easier and I'm getting a more organized plan in mind as to how to go about this packing for the unknown destination and date. ;) Everything is starting to feel more "real" all the time. And John is getting more excited to be a full-time soldier. It's who he really is - I see it more and more the closer it gets. :) Let's hope things keep going as smooth as they have been! :D

whose texture compels me with the colour of its countries, rendering death and forever with each breathing (e.e. cummings)

That's right, we still don't know any details. It's become pretty frustrating. At this point, we're waiting for John's recruiter to get in touch with a specific Sgt. Major to schedule a time to meet with him. Then that Sgt. Major will make an appointment with the General for him. >;-P But, I'm still not packed very much, so I don't know why I'm so frustrated... I guess it is just hard to pack for an unknown destination. I guess I'll just pack everything but clothes for now and then when we get any idea about climate I'll rush to pack the clothing accordingly. Oi. This transitional limbo is just making us a little ill from all the floating around. ;)
Speaking of which, one thing everyone has found necessary to bring up when we mention our decision is that John could end up in Afghanistan. No offense to these people, but: duh. If I weren't okay with the possibility of deployment, I wouldn't have let him join the Guard in the first place. It will just happen more frequently now. But, there are 2 things I know: I am strong enough to be alone while he is away and he is a very strong soldier that will do well in his deployments. Of course he could die. But, I've been dealing with that since he became a driver. The path we've chosen will give us a better life. I mean, he knows what he wants to do, he loves it, he's good at it, and he can have a career in it that will help us out. So few people ever have that and now that Johnny's found it, I'm just handing it to him and telling him to run with it. Besides, I really should have known when we were opening our wedding gifts and he explained to me what a useful weapon our citrus juicer could be. ;) (He was born this way.)
And the great thing is that wherever we go, we'll be together in our world. John has the ability to make everything melt away. We've joked around, calling him living Prozac. It's true, though. Sometimes people will become very attached to him because of it. They start needing him to the point that instead of becoming stronger, as they had up to that point, it starts crippling them and him. This has happened a few times since we got married, and I'll watch it wear on him and siphon his energy and joy away as he tries to hold this other person up. So, I've gotten so I can untangle the problem, or if needed snap it off, to give him back his life. It can hurt that person, but I've found sometimes you have to hurt something to help it. I have to be strong enough to push it out of the nest so it can realize it can fly. Because it's like being around him can alter reality as if he were an addicting drug. He doesn't mean to be, he just has a gift.
I got so I could control the effect on me back in high school when I found myself leaning on him too much (I had to stop holding so tight and learn to stand alone again back then), and when we get to have some time together, I'll let the reality wash away and the vibrant colors of that world seep over this tan and gray present and it's just like being little kids. We tell stories and play games and our imaginations become so healthy. =) I've written about that world before on here but, now that we're so close to leaving everything familiar behind, I've realized just how important it is. So, we're trying to nourish it just a little every day. It can be frozen yogurt together or an awesome movie or reading a book aloud or talking about chemistry or history. It amazes me, the castles that love can build inside of us. We can meet there even when we're apart. And I realize now, that all the colors covering that world are shades of God that he shares with us. Perhaps that is our pocket of heaven that waits. :)

The Kitty Is 5!!!

On October 12th, our beloved kitty boy, Miles, turned 5 years old! We like to have a celebration for him every year because he's part of our family, too. (I know all the wise cracks that we should just have kids. ;) I know he's like our baby and right now that is perfect for us. Besides something this soft and fuzzy is just too cute not to have a party for.) So, we got him some birthday tuna - his very favorite - and a new catnip sockie and a little rattley mousie with a feathery tail. We also got a pumpkin cupcake for the occasion - he loves pumpkin ice cream and pie, so we thought the cake would be a hit. We even put a little orange (his favorite color) candle in it and sang to him. He got really excited about it, too, especially when John blew it out and the awesome smoke started to rise up. This kitty was amazed. :) However, the cake wasn't his favorite, so we're going to have some peach cobbler this week (he's addicted to it).
I know it's a little silly to be so attached to a cat. But, while John was gone those six months, Miles was all I had. He'd always run out to greet me when I got home from school. When I'd cry, he'd come and kiss my face. Every night he'd cuddle with me while I fell asleep and then stand guard by the door until I started to wake up (or until time for his food and he'd lick my face or pull my hair or nibble my ankles to let me know it was time to EAT). He'd catch up on his sleep on my lap while I worked on the agonizing chemistry and calculus homework. I'd eat dinner on a tv tray at the couch with the tv on and he'd sit on the arm of the couch next to me - partly to keep me company and partly in case I needed to share. ;) And when I started to go crazy from missing the Johnny and started talking to Miles, he'd listen. He's been my companion - just as much as any dog can be. And he's just as devoted to me. Once John was tickling me and I squealed in protest (we all squeal with tickling, it's true) and Miles jumped up and slapped John's hand and stood in front of me at him. (They have made up since then. He's actually become quite the daddy's boy.)
I love my finicky, weird little kitty so much. He's made the past five years so cuddly! You really do find love in unexpected places. I found some in a sticker bush five years ago. :D

A Little About Why Me is Me

I had a religion teacher once that used to ask questions more than anything - kinda like Socrates. His questions were awesome, the sort that really make you think. One that asked has stuck with me more than any other. He looked around the room and asked, "What is it like to be with you?"
Since then - I was like 18 or 19 at the time - I will ask myself that periodically through my life. I'll think about people I love to be around and how they behave and how they treat me and then I think about my own behavior and my treatment of others. I know that I don't want to be the conversation dominating person or the whiny person or the person that makes other people feel bad about themselves. I want to be a good listener - but tell HILARIOUS stories ;) - and I want to be positive and help people to feel like they sparkle. I want them to feel that I do care about them and they are important to me. Of course, it's a work in progress. (I work on my hilarity frequently, but John doesn't seem to understand the stories or something...;)
I also want to make sure that I'm always in touch with who I am - what things are changing about me and what new things there are about me. Like how recently I discovered that I despise turtlenecks. Or, on a less weird topic, that I love learning about different foods and how excited I am to cook with them. For instance, the day I cook with saffron will be a wonderful day. And vanilla beans - I am seriously chomping at the bit to get to slice down the side of that thing and scrape the seeds out with the blunt edge of my knife and beat them into something decadent. *le sigh* (That sigh is from the kitty that Pepe le Pieu is always chasing - she's always saying "le mew" "le meow" "le purrr" because she's a French kitty and somewhere along the line I decided to say "le sigh." I LOVE that kitty, so...) Also, importantly, who I am through all the changes: that chick always adores Stevie Wonder!!!
John has also been noticing things about me that I might not have realized. He says that I have a strong sense of justice. And that I can be fierce about it. :) I have a feeling Brandon - my soon-to-be-lawyer lil brudda - had a lot to do with it. He didn't let me pull anything when we were kids, everything had to be fair between us and since we did everything together, justice was always present. (Except that time he prayed to win the board game we were playing. That was SO NOT fair. He "doesn't remember." *raises eyebrow*) Also, Brandon always magically appeared when I got hurt on the playground because he was my brother and felt that was his duty. And he always fulfills his duty. :)

John has also seen that I am the girliest tomboy born on this Earth - I'm a brilliant gamer that needs pink socks and adorableness all about me while I'm whipping the boys at the fighter games. Except my brothers. The force is much stronger with them and they schooled me repeatedly growing up. Some day!!! *shakes fist in the air* Their days as the top gamers are numbered. (That doesn't mean 007, though. Brandon has become the dark lord of 007, singing "The Man With The Golden Gun" at the top of his lungs as my screen goes dark.) (And yes they are responsible for me using terms like "the force.") And I will be forever grateful to Michael for introducing me to Samus when I was little - because she was a girl I felt like I could be anything!
John tells me the funny things I've picked up from my parents: like listing all possible options for dinner like my mom does or stacking the spoons in the drawer like my dad does - I've tried to stop stacking but I keep going back to it. It's a sickness... all the different sizes of spoons stacked in such splendor gives me heart some joy and I will not deny myself any longer! I also have my older brother's sarcasm and silliness and my older sister's ability to be excited and happy about little things - even when times are bad - which changes the whole problematic world around me. And I got Melinda's love for fruit snacks (it's important to us) and her ability to make the dumbest things so fun! (At least, I think so. *cheesy grin*) She and I danced like fraggles to Rock The Casbah in the car one day and to this time I cannot hear the song without pulling it out, much to John's delight and Miles's annoyance (Miles hates fraggles). (If you don't know what fraggles are you are too young and must google it, for they were a joy of the '80s.)
So, to sum up: the person I am is actually this conglomeration (Geology term that I just relish using in everyday speech) of my experiences, but moreso all of the awesome people I've known that have changed me and made me a cooler person. :-7 I know that my cool-meter is far from cool, though, so it's a good thing that soon I'll be meeting a whole bunch of new people. I'll miss my friends (family also = friends) here a lot, but "there are friends everywhere, right?" (quote from The Perfect Man) The main thing I'm going to do is try to stay open to other people. I've always tried to understand why they like something - even things I don't like that much - so I understand them better. And I usually end up liking those things, too. Much music has been added to the ipod this way.
So, here's to shaping, eh? Cheers.

Starting the changes with me this time...

This has been one of those times in life where a whole bunch of crap all decided to happen at the same time. Money problems, car problems, tooth problems, a lot of those dreaded unpleasantries that will not change... they will just stay there and stay there and siphon energy and happiness and any reason to care away. The past few months have been this way for me and I have ridiculously been trying to do it all and please everyone. I did start standing up for myself at last, but it shouldn't have been when I was this far past my points... this close to collapse. I've been trying to be what I cannot - tried to have enough money when I don't, tried to make things last that aren't going to, tried to answer questions that I can't answer the way that the inquiring would like. But last night, as I laid there not sleeping as has become usual, I either let go of something or caught hold of something and now I am completely calm and more accepting of the way things need to be. My landlord will just have to accept that I am not going to know when I will be moving until the military tells us we will be moving, whether their kids had to move home or not. I will have to stop stretching myself for everything else and everyone else, even though the difficulties in their lives are towering over them, as well. I fight my beasts, and they shall fight theirs. I will disappoint people and for the first time in my life I am okay with that. Because I am only going to give what I can give now. And I am going to stop being afraid all of the time. That fluttering shadow inside me all of the time still hovers around feeding my mind the constant thoughts that keep me constantly restless - but now I will not allow it to affect me and I will just stand and smile at it. The problems are there with the fear and without the fear... there will be times I can be there for others and times I cannot be there for others and being honest about it will be best for everyone, though they might not like it very much. I'm going to find that happy little girl - that core of who I am - and let her laugh blossom through me. Granted, she doesn't get my mom's awesome mac 'n' cheese anymore, but I think I'll give my hand a try at truly nourishing myself now. And nourishing others. :) But I want to feel fresh again. And I'm really excited for it. Gonna go make that mac 'n' cheese now - for breakfast! =)

Tuffer Tiney Ahoy (and other updates :)

Firstly, we finally have a functioning shower again!!! For about 3 weeks we've had barely any water coming out of our shower, which has been highly inconvenient. Our dishwasher had also had some issues, as well as our toilet and our swamp cooler (again), so we and the landlord thought there might be a problem with the water in general. Some pipe work had just been done on our street, which could have accounted for some low pressure. We and the landlord asked the other 3 apartments' tenants if they had been experiencing low water pressure and they ALL said they had been. Thus, the landlord had the city test the building's water pressure and check to see if there were any problems leftover from the pipe work. Nope and nope. We just needed a new blinkin' shower head! I don't know what the other tenants' problems are, but that's just annoying. The shower head was so seriously crudded over that only 3 of the holes were allowing out water and thus didn't allow up much water, which made less water pressure and little heat available in that water. And now we have a lovely new shower head that much water comes out of! We feel stupid, but we'll also feel cleaner! :D
Private Johnny acquired 3 more signatures since my last post. He was fairly bold about it, as well (which has been rubbing off on me more and more over the years). When asked why on earth he would want to leave the Guard, he asked what the State gets out of keeping him... he gets straight to the point when necessary. He said that although he is aware the State receives financial support for his service, he feels that he would be more fulfilled in the United States Army. Though it will leave a slot open, there are 7 other soldiers with his same MOS (basically the job he trained for) and during drills he's been given menial tasks, such as going through old boxes, so he won't be leaving them high and dry. And with that, he got three signatures without a fuss. :) Next, he'll need to go with his recruiter to visit the General. That's a pretty big deal - his recruiter has to go along because, as a private, John simply isn't a high enough rank to meet with a General. He's a little nervous and, of course, won't be quite so up front with the General. But, things should go well. :)
I thought I'd include a few random things about myself in this post, since I haven't done that in a while: I have really long toes and I always curl them under my feet as I sit at the computer and then half an hour later I try to flex my feet and my carpet-printed toes scream in pain from being that way too long. :) I love watching the faces of the little boys I teach piano to when I start talking video games with them -- always complete shock and amazement (I am a girl, you know). Speaking of which, when I was a kid I used to turn on Zelda or Metroid and leave it on the menu or paused in my favorite area of the game and do my homework while I listened to the music. :D I had a gum graft surgery a few years ago and I am still so traumatized by the experience that going to the dentist this week for a cleaning brought a huge case of nerves (and I might need a root canal, so it wasn't entirely unjustified). My favorite band from my teenage years is Savage Garden, who sadly only made 3 albums, but they were awesome. :) And recently I got the song "We're Not Gonna Take It" stuck in my head and since then I've been much more... empowered. I'm being less doormat-oriented lately. And it feels awesome to stand up for myself. :) I think I might just have gumption now! =) Wahoo!
Still slow at packing, but moving along in the getting-rid-of-stuff area. The bags to go are growing. And the 1st is tomorrow! Yikes! Soon, Johnny can meet with the General and we'll get things moving. I'll try to get a move on so I don't end up behind. :)

Governor's Day

This weekend John was required to attend the state's celebration of Governor's Day. We had never been to it before - I actually hadn't even heard of it before. So, we both slept very little because of our weird graveyard schedule and then headed up in the morning. It was fun trying to scan through all the soldiers and find my Soldier Johnny in the sea of uniforms. Though the event seemed to have very little point, it was cool to see my Johnny in his uniform again - the beret, woohoo! - and to have the helicopters and planes swoop across the sky above us. It had also been a while since I had stood and placed my hand on my heart, listening to the national anthem. :) I was very proud of my boy down there saluting the flag as the anthem played. The audience was softly singing the words as it played and near the end I joined in, as well. I am so pleased with his decision to serve his country.
Putting on his uniform makes John so excited to get into the active Army. He is longing to be a soldier full-time. :) He is such a stickler for protocol that he clearly belongs in the full-time army. His Sergeants have pointed this out to him several times. No matter which superior officer he's talking to, he always goes to parade rest. Though his superiors are sad to lose a good soldier, they agree that he will do very well on this new path. He got his other signature taken care of, so we are just waiting until after October 1st to get the others taken care of. Still haven't packed much yet... I confess I hate packing and though I try not to put it off, I just always feel at a loss as to how to start or where to begin. And the days keep going by so quickly with us on our regular schedule, not thinking about packing. We have been putting a lot of stuff to get rid of into big bags to take to DI or Salvation Army or the dump (if need be...) so we haven't been completly useless. ;) We're going to just keep plugging along until we find out more. :)

Tribute To Mah Boy!

I know I just posted like 2 days ago, but meh *shrug*. I feel like writing.
I married a boy that was so very different from me. I was the squeaky clean goody-goody and he was the bad boy with a checkered past. I liked fantasy while he liked scifi. And I've just been realizing how different we both are now from back then. How alike we are now. The music of his that used to seem strange I find myself bopping my head to the beat now. We've been reading each other's books for a while now, which has changed me, I know. I really started to understand him when I started reading his favorites. Another difference was that I had always played video games with one hero and most of his favorite games had a team of heroes to look after, so I had to get used to a whole new style of gaming -- which I appreciated because it just helped hone my skills. *totally humble girl...* *aw, forget it - I'm a pretty good gamer, I must say*
One thing that I love about him: a few years ago he played me this gorgeous music and when I asked him more about it, he said it was his "Heaven List" on his ipod. :) Music that sounds like he imagines heaven would feel like. It takes pain and just... extracts it... and helps you heal. So we've both been adding to our heaven list since then.
John also got me to really branch out with cooking. He told me just to try adding different flavors to things and experiment. When I accidentally added a tablespoon of baking soda to a batch of cookies instead of a teaspoon and he liked them (I didn't... kinda bitter), I realized that I'd have to mess up a lot for him to refrain from eating something.
My Johnny hasn't necessarily "gone soft" since we've been married, he's just become so much more gentle and sweet. He's a lot more confident, as well. Since he's begun working in the military he's been so happy. There's a spark to his life that wasn't there before. When he worked as a delivery driver, he seemed so rundown all the time... as if the few hours we had together a day was the only part of the day he didn't loathe. Now he has such a bounce - kind of a marchy bounce - to his step now and it just feels like his world got so much lighter.
Instead of letting Geology be just something I liked, he really took an interest and learned about it and would get excited with me. He'd find out when local rock shows were going on and whisk me off to it and we'd marvel over the azurite and pyritized ammonites and the prehnite. :) His favorite mineral is fluorite - he loves it and he can always tell when he sees it. The last rock show we went to, I got him three awesome pieces of fluorite with a couple of different crystal structures to them. It really meant a lot to me that he'd care about rocks for me. =)

The main goal of my life is just to be as good of a wife for him as he is a husband for me. Cause, yeah, it's true he's had a lot of trouble rinsing dishes *mutter mutter* but I'll see him try so hard to remember. And it can be frustrating that we're both so blasted cluttery and people always stop by when things are at their clutteriest. But, he always tells me to look outside when the clouds are being amazing. And he'll just gush about my cooking and make me turn red and giggly even though he doesn't have to and it probably tastes the same as the last time I made it.
He's my favorite.
I'm excited to go from place to place with him and to see how we grow and the things we learn and discover. I'm never going to get tired of finding ways to make him laugh. :)

Signatures and Food :D

Man, it seems that people are having hard time all around the table lately. Let's keep our chins up, eh? :)
Well, we got another signature today! This afternoon Johnny had a meeting with people from the National Guard and people from the Army so that everyone is on the same page. So, things are certainly headed in the right direction. He'll have one more probably by Saturday. However, there is a slight snag in that we are just getting to the end of the fiscal year, so to avoid complications financially the higher-ups won't be signing until October 1st. That's okay, though, cause this will give us a chance to downsize our belongings and pack the remaining up. Then all the rest of the signatures should happen no problem and we should have our orders by November/December. It's not as soon as we would have liked - moving in the snow is not our favorite idea - but, it's fine. This way there won't be any scrambling to get ready and such. I asked John, "What if we get sent somewhere really random... like, Panama or somewhere?" But, he let me know that we'll be able to live on the army base wherever we go, so we can still live our lives pretty normal. And, hey, there might be some pretty cool stuff there! I might just Google it later. :) *feels better* Oo-de-lally!
We probably will stay living in this apartment until we go, unless it gets really bad. We've lost a lot of water pressure recently, but that could have to do with some road construction we've been having (I hope). We're not huge fans of our neighbors, but moving twice in that short of time would be quite stressful. And neighbors in apartments are never that great, so, we'll just stay put for now. I invested in some very cute pink earplugs that are helping me sleep much better, anyway. :D

I've been thinking more and more about trying out culinary school after we get settled somewhere. I've been getting more and more interested in cooking and food for the past year or so. And I've got to say, it all started with watching Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Meals on Food Network. Something about the simplicity she gives things made me less afraid to try new things out - like using garlic or buying new foods that I've never heard of, like gnocchi. Ah, gnocchi, what was life before I knew you? ;) I'm starting to want to make my own fresh pasta for homemade raviolis and I've tweaked pretty much every recipe I have. And, a surprise to my mother and to myself... but much more to my mother, I'm even becoming interested in baking. I love learning new things and remembering - like that romano is made with sheep's milk while parmesan is made with cow's milk which accounts for the stronger flavor in romano cheese. I know that no one else really cares about that stuff, but I love it! =) And new heroes are: Mario Batalli, Ming Tsai, Bobby Flay, Masaharu Morimoto, and of course Andreas Viestad (my favey Norwegian chef). I think it would be fun to immerse myself in culinary arts. And someday when we can afford to have cable again: I cannot wait to start watching Iron Chef America again!!! (It's like a football game for us...) :D
More news will come when I get some (or just some more random stuff I feel like writing, heh heh).

Moving Along

Presently, my husband is at work and out searching with the cops for a 14-yr-old boy that ran away sometime today (before his shift). This kid has already tried to run twice while John was working, but John stopped him both times. The kid tried backhanding John in the face but, as John has taken brass knuckles to the face and gotten his cheek bone broken before, it had no effect. I know John can handle himself - he IS Spiderman, after all - but I can't help worrying about him. This kid has proved to be manipulative and willing to take a cheap shot if he can. I'm pretty sure he'll be back - especially since he's in the middle of nowhere in Utah with nothing but a skateboard to get around. Plus SpiderJohnny can move really fast and has his Spider Sense to help him search. ;)
In the good news neighborhood, one of John's Sergeants called today and he helped John get an appointment with one of the higher-ups he needs signatures from. This has come as such a relief. I think I can really start packing more easily now. As long as we can at least get to step 2 on this seemingly tall staircase, I can feel more of a drive. Our next chapter is creeping closer.
Some funny news, also: lately John has been sitting somewhere in the house and Miles will start meowing as if being burned alive across the room or down the hall. John will get up to go see what on earth is happening when a little gray blob thunderously gallops past him and then leaps into the chair that John had been sitting in (usually one of Miles's "spots"). The best part, however, is seeing John's face when he realizes he fell for it again. Miles's tricks used to just be faint crying and then you go to find him and he jumps out from somewhere with his legs out in his scary way. (I usually screech a little in surprise and this greatly delights him.) But now his little escapades are getting more involved and much more fun for me to watch. >:D
I'll keep letting you guys know what's going on - I'm sure they'll find the runaway kid soon. I hope John finds him, because he can probably understand the frame of mind this kid is in best. John went through some troublesome times as a teen himself, and I know he's really helping out some of the boys at the home. One of them got to go home recently and started college and is doing alright. :) He left a thank you note for John when he left. I'm really proud of him. =) And when he gets home I'll take good care of him. I'll turn on Psych - which my little brother has gotten him completely addicted to - and make him some peach cobbler. And, of course, I will give him one of my patented make-the-stress-melt-away hugs which always helps. :D