What Win I....

A couple years ago, I received some council as I was stressing about my lack of dating scene and my developing feelings for another in an unrequited romance.  At that time, I was counseled (from a fairly reliable source) that as long as I  remained worthy to attend the temple, I would be directed in my relationships with young men. I remember thinking at the time, "Puff. Like that's going to be difficult..."

Oh how naive I still seem to be....

I'll admit that I spent a night discussing a few things with the bishop a few short months later. After that night, and his wise council and perspective,  I  set out with a new determination to beat Satan at his own game.  Here's the thing though... He's had THOUSANDS of years to perfect his game...

Do you ever have those moments/feelings/premonitions that SOMETHING (either good or bad) isn't to far around the corner... I've had a few of these in life. Like when Bonny was getting on in age, I knew that I needed to turn her back over to the parentals and fork out the money for a new car. Especially with all the driving I did between Delta and here....through the middle of the lone desert.

Keeping this in mind, there must be something waiting in the wings for me.  And judging by the full-court press I feel like I'm experiencing from that wicked being, It must be pretty awesome.  Cause that's the thing.  I feel like so many things/temptations that were never issues for me, have suddenly been thrown back into the mix in a last ditch effort.  Perhaps it's simply the day and age we live in.  The rest of the world is getting drunk, sleeping around, excusing this and that, justifying right and sorta right. I mean I tended bar without a hesitation of resisting alcohol for months at Famous Dave's just to find my mind fighting to justify a simple "taste" during a winery tour.... and then gladly accepting the grape juice instead. Thank you K-dez and Uncle BTWs for that awesome day.

As I was driving home from work the other day, contemplating the cosmos and overwhelming hormones of my life,  a simple verse shared by a wise man came flooding back to my mind.

What win I, if I gain the thing I seek?

A dream, a breath, a froth of fleeting joy.

Who buys a minute's mirth to wail a week?

Or sells eternity to get a toy?

For one sweet grape who will the vine destroy?

Or what fond beggar, but to touch the crown, 

will with the scepter straight be strucken down?

(The Rape of  Lucrece by William Shakespeare)

What do we "win" when we obtain those things we have desired? What the final reward? Is is just a moment of pleasure, or a lifetime of joy? Does it add to life, or simply numb it? 

What win I, if I gain the thing I seek?

And so I keep this question ever present in my mind because like everyone, I am flawed.  SOO flawed. I recognize that I have been blessed and that many worldly ways are not tempting to me.  I simply have no desire for them.  But I also recognize that Satan is VERY REAL. His influence is everywhere in the world, and will only continue to rise.  We are in the final period of this game of life, and whether we like it or not we are in the game and his full-court press will only continue to increase in intensity.  

I get it.  The picture of life the adversary paints is very appealing to the eye (and mind) an is often accompanied with instant gratification.  God's picture is often like the magic eye 3D pictures from my youth.  At first it can seem like nonsense.  Colors and patterns swirled every which way on a page.  But seeing what God sees for us takes patience. It takes practice.  It takes sometimes twisting, eye crossing, and  painstakingly  changing our perspective in order for the full picture to take shape. And with experience this process takes less and less time allowing the picture to form more quickly.  

So, What will your desires bring to your life? Will they add to it? Or will they only leave you empty, unfulfilled, and wanting more?

Experimenting Faith

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. . . do the thing you THINK you cannot do."

--Eleanor Roosevelt         

Throughout the last year I've been trying to find a new purpose, a new goal to work towards.  I felt as though I was at a standstill.  My dating life sucked, and work didn't seem to provide the challenge I wanted.  After all, I had a Masters Degree.  Naturally, I should have been doing more.  So I decided I needed a new job. Not only that, but I decided that I needed to reach out into the vast cities of the US for a new adventure... And so I set out on CareerBuilder and Simply Hired and applied for anything I thought I had a possibility of being qualified for.  When that didn't work I decided to focus my efforts and turned to the great state of Texas.  I was optimistic that something would turn out.  I mean... Jobs have always fallen into my lap. Why wouldn't it this time?

But time came and went...December became very lonely and depressing which only continued into January... But I kept applying, and kept talking like it was going to work out... But that was the thing. I was only talking about them working out....

At the beginning of April, I scored a cheap(er) plane ticket to go see my K-dez in San Fran.  I was set for four days of laughing, playing, beaches, shopping, and food. PS, Virgin America was pretty much an awesome airline to fly with. Highly recommended.  Any who, before I headed out I grabbed one of the few physical books I'd picked up back in March at  Time Out for Women. This book entitled "The Faith Experiment" by Laurel Christensen.  Why this one and not one of the others sitting on top of it?  I can't exactly say.  I just needed something for those few minutes between sitting on the tarmac and the coveted 10,000 feet barrier at which I could once again turn on my electronic devices.

Now keep in mind by this point I had rebounded out of my dark funk.  I was a pretty happy and content individual.  However, there were a few things in life that still weren't going according to plan.  Blue Eyes was essentially dodging my every attempt to get to know him, my Texas adventure was falling apart, and my hopes of getting the job in the Angiography Lab at work had dwindled as I heard through the grapevine who else had applied for it.

Within the first few pages of this small book, Laurel explains her relationship with God at the time of what seemed a major trial.  She had set a goal.  A worthy, honorable, and worthwhile goal, yet every time she turned around something else was getting in her way of obtaining that goal.  She knew our Heavenly Father was a God of prayer and a God of Love.  She knew that through prayer good things happened in the world. Yet she had a hard time believing that they would happen for her. She writes, "I found myself developing a belief that, for whatever reason, God wasn't going to give me what I really wanted." Ideas that she essentially wasn't worthy to receive these blessings.

I began to relate to her "ideas," and as I continued reading I found many, many more parallels between her feelings and my own.  As she talked about praying and asking for blessings in her life and her resulted feeling of receiving only a mediocre answer in return she related, "Because I felt this way, I simply stopped asking. It was easier to not ask--to be His dutiful, obedient daughter who was content with what she had--than to ask and risk being disappointed by a sincere petition going unanswered yet again." In those two sentences she summed up my entire relationship with God for the last six months.  I had stopped asking for things because it was easier than to think they wouldn't come at all.

I never thought of my self as one of little faith.  My testimony and Faith in my Savior had always been there.  It was so easy for me to accept the Gospel as truth and at such an early age.  I had seen his hand work so many miracles in my life.  Yet, as I read through the experience of this Daughter of God,  I realized that I lacked the faith required for Him to bless me with my deepest desires at that time.

And so, I tried to think with faith, to pray with faith, and to live with faith. I was the one standing in my own way. I had to not only hope that things would turn out, but I had to EXPECT that they would.  I had to reach beyond and know that they would work out.  And so despite my doubts that I would be able to land the Angio job.  I went forward expecting that I would.

As I walked out of the first interview I was elated.  I didn't know what would happen, and yet it didn't matter.  I knew that what was meant to be for me would be. Two weeks later I was called for a second interview.  And again, as I walked out of that interview, I was elated.  I felt as though I had NAILED the interview.  I knew, that if I was meant to get that position, it wasn't be because I held back or lacked the faith. If it was right for me, I wouldn't be denied the desire to expand my career in this way.   A week passed, and the dreaded rejection email came. But despite not having the job, I had gained a greater faith and trust in my Heavenly Father's plan for me.  I was disappointed naturally, but there was also a great peace, comfort, and knowledge that it would be okay. There is something out there for me.  

So,  I'm sure there will often be times to come in this life that I wonder whether or not God is allowing me to live according to my plan.  If it's right and good, God will not deny our desires.  EXPECT God to Answer your prayers.  "The importance of faith is that it's centered in Jesus Christ--that regardless of the outcome, your faith can still be intact because you trust Him and you trust His power and you trust His mercy and you trust His grace. . .  Hope is about wanting what [we] want. Faith is about wanting what GOD wants for [us]." (Christensen, p. 41-42)

It was Mom

Of Course, being Mother's Day we've all been inundated with special messages about our Mother's and the Mother's in our lives via social media feeds...And to that I add this.  Back in March at TOFW, one of the presenters was sharing her frustrations of having to keep up with all the awesome moms out there.  She lamented that she wasn't the home baked goody mom, the intricate hairstyle mom, the organized mom, fun outing mom...Yet, she discovered one night as her kids were gathered round her that she was exactly the mom that those kids needed her to be.  They needed the gifts and talents that she already had, not those we dream up on Pinterest.   

So today, I share my gratitude for my Mother. I know she to has days where she sees only her faults and weaknesses, and often blames herself for the faults of us kids (though those are 100% ours BTW). But, she is truly a remarkable Woman. She is a gift to me each and every day.  She has been my rock throughout life.  My constant example of womanhood, strength, temperance, patience, kindness, service, diligence, love, devotion, humility, and so much more.  I am who I am, because of her.  It was Mom who taught me to Love the Gospel, to pray, to serve, to work, to endure.  It was Mom who taught me to Laugh and to Sing. She stressed the importance of school and learning from mistakes, even if they weren't my own.  She was EXACTLY the mother that I needed her to be! Thank You Mom for Everything!