What's keeping me away...

Hello World... Yes, I'm still here.  Life has been, well.... exactly what life is and should be...Full and busy. I haven't given up the blog, after all, It's the one place I am completely allowed to preach away on my soap box...and besides, you're here reading it so what does that say about you...I've just found some things that interest me more than writing right now... New projects in a sense... Projects like My refurbed coffee table!!!

Okay, so this picture still has the drop cloths down, and the thing is currently awaiting it's second coat of Poly coating, but I had to share it with the world, or at least the few interested in my world.  This little guy took some time... and a few mild explitives, But I kinda really love the way it's turning out.  Yes it is a stencil, I'm not that great of an artist. And like all things in life, I learned a little about the job and myself. More on that later.  As soon as I get the second coat of sealant on it, I plan on taking it down to a glass store in town. After all the time I put into stenciling the thing and then using a fine tipped brush to touch-up the various mistakes...I'm not letting someone (namely myself) put a cup, or plate, or purse, or book on this thing only to have it scratched and banged up. I'm not a DIY expert, nor is this the forum for that... So long story short? Quart of blue paint, Sample size of the grey, Stencil from Hobby Lobby, and a lot of time and waiting and wallah.

Amists my refurb furniture projects, I took some time out to go and watch Sister's boys while she went off to get engaged... In a beautiful location... with a beautiful ring... to an awesome guy.  I realize that may seem slightly envious, but I'm not.  I was happy to do it.  Perhaps this weekend should have been reserved for a post all it's own... but I totally enjoyed being with the boys for those few short days.  Lessons from my weekend of Psuedo Motherhood...

1. I'm not a football mom.  Bring on the Cellos, the bassoons, even baseball or soccer...But I dare say you will not see me running along the sidelines, screaming, while wearing the team jersey.  Nothing against the sport.  In fact I really don't mind watching a game once in a while.

2. It's okay to tell them no.  Now, this one was a little hard for me at first.  After all, I'm fun Aunt Jo, the one who gives in and buys things for no reason. Though to them it seems like the world is going to end if they don't get that cookie, that third helping of potatoes, or that time at the friends house.  But it's okay to say no.

3. Obedience  buys freedom. I knew this as a kid, but it was still awesome to see it as a guardian. When I said to be home at a certain time and they were? There were rewards given... When not? Consequences enforced... Obedience = freedom

4. There's a reason they come in the eat, sleep, poop stage...

5. Me time is limited and should be treasured.  Now, please don't take this out of context and remember that I am a single female that has been on her own for her entire adult life. All I really know is me time. Yet, giving some of that time up to be with those boys was rewarding... But when I did get those few minutes here and there alone? Everybody needs alone time.

6. Women just need to be real with each other... Guess what? We forgot a helmet on our way to practice and had to turn around making us late... I misjudged time and T was late for warm-ups before his game... There wasn't time to do everything... I would have rather been shopping at some times... Every meal doesn't have to be perfect... Ponytails are highly functional... The dishes had to sit for a bit...Little #1 left without a jacket ... I guess what I'm saying is that  NONE of us are perfect. No Household is the same. Women, STOP comparing yourselves to everyone around you. Fill the measure of YOUR creation, not Jane's next door.

I guess that's just a little... Other than that life has consisted of clocking lots of callback hours, stripping the upholstery off a wing-back chair for 11 hours (talk about a test of patience),
 baby showers, LulaRoe parties... oh, did I mention call? Trips to see the family, taking in Joseph at Tuachan with the parentals...

Life has been full of messy little bits lately, Tiring? Yes.  Frustrating? At times.  Filled with awesomeness and happiness? Absolutely!

Washer and Dryer and Stairs, oh My!

Hello world. Just checking in since I've been a little on the quieter side as of late.  But this random thing called adulthood decided to kick it up a notch a couple months ago, and that has been occupying my time.  Oh, I fully understand that I've been an active participant in this thing called adulthood for a few years now. And, FYI children of today's world aka you youngin's just crossing that double decade mark. Being a responsible adult sometimes isn't fun in the sense that it's not always full of friends, parties, and random adventures (um... strike that random adventures...), but it is worth it. I wish I could fully explain why it is so awesome to work 40+ hours a week and have the majority of that money go to taxes and bills, but I know few of you would believe me.  Someday I hope you understand.  (**Exit Soapbox**) So,  like I was saying life has gotten in the way of my psuedo attempt at being a writer. Let me explain.

It was a torrid July day here in the desert.  I had been visiting my people in the northern highlands for the celebration of our nation's Independence.  Perhaps it was the incommodious living conditions brought on by the lack of an adequate ventilation system's efforts to cool the joint down. (Like the time the brand new AC broke and the Landlords were out of town....)  Perhaps it was one too many naked Old Lady Roommate sightings. (PS... turns out she's younger than my parents, just looks/acts MUCH older).  Perhaps it was just time for something new.  Whatever the preemptive causation, that July day I walked in my house after a long day at work and immediately knew I could know longer be in that house with some of those people.  It was time to start looking for something else.  In all honesty I had been wanting to move out and on for a few months by this point.  However, there were a few things that were making me drag my feet.  I think part of that was timing.

You know those Tender Mercies in life? Those small seemingly inconspicuous things that happen to make the most impact? Finding a new place to live was one of those. Making the decision to leave was easy, but almost immediately I began thinking of all the things that would make it impossible to leave the current situation.  90% of which revolved around Money.  I was getting ready for bed that night and in the magical few moments of inspiration that come while brushing one's teeth, I thought I should check with an old roommate and friend from Idaho and see if her parents still rent out their condo across town, and if so maybe it wouldn't be too long before it would be available. So,  I sent her a message.... Turns out, not only were they still renting, but the current tenants were all but moved out of it. Not to mention Ma and Padre were looking for an excuse to get away down here for a weekend as well... Long story short, The timing of things could not have been better.  Someone with infinite wisdom, power, and love had His hand  involved.

I asked the roommate to come along with me, and surprisingly she agreed without much wheedling.  I would like to say that it was my simple awesomeness that made her say yes... But I'm pretty sure it was the pool and covered parking that ultimately swayed her decision.  We met with the Landlords on the 12th, and a week later (and many trips up and down the stairs) we were in. It's odd being on my own (almost).  I realized I was a fan of the forced social interaction that roommates brought with it.  However, knowing that I know who is in my home is worth the smaller closet space and increased rent. Plus, I still get to benefit from Sunday Roommate Nap-time.

I kinda feel as though I've almost made the full step into becoming an adult.  Okay, yeah, I've been an adult for nearly 12 years now, but there's something about buying major appliances--like a washer and dryer for instance, which I let the deliver men from Lowes drag up the stairs-- that makes the reality of the situation hit home.  Maybe one day I'll actually buy a house... Or marry the one with his own house.  Until then, The roommate and I will continue to live out our near common law existence together whilst I continue my re-purposing projects...Cause a girl has to pinch the pennies somewhere so she can still buy all her cute
shoes.

Your three sons... and You.

The following stems from a moment of observation when I stopped for lunch after my Drs. Appointment before heading back to Southern Utah two weeks ago...

Hi there,

No, you don't know me.  Yes, I realize I'm staring, but I hope you'll excuse me for visually invading your last moments together as a family for a few years.  I think I needed to see you and your boys today. You see, I've been feeling a little un-grounded lately.  Not so much lost and distant, but tethered. A floating just off the surface, the way a hot air balloon would just before being launched.  I just want to tell you that you are amazing.  Your world is full of stresses that I do not know, nor can I begin to imagine them. Letting your child out into the world at such a young age must be terrifying, despite the knowledge that he is on the Lord's errand.  But I know it's going to be okay, because, well let me tell you what I see...

First, there's the older brother.  Probably 22 or so.  I imagine that he's been home from his mission just over a year now.  I can see how it changed him, and I can also see how that light that he found, the light that he shared, still radiates in him.  I know that you cultivated this light from the beginning. by your example he learned  lessons of love, service, charity, and work that will forever help him to navigate the seas of life.  Of course as the older wiser brother, he sits there reliving these years of service while also unveiling the wisdom he gained in the field.  I can sense that he wants to tell his little brother of his struggles, or his hard walked miles which yielded few results. But he doesn't.  He bridles it; for he too knows what his little brother is sensing this day. He knows what lies ahead only minutes away.

Then, there's the younger brother.  Today is nothing but excitement for him so much so that he is literally bouncing in his chair unable to sit still.  He looks at your young missionary with wide eyed wonder.  Today, and for the next two years, his hero will be his older brother.  Of course life will still consist of Superheros, baseball, and Legos, and Minecraft.  But he will idolize your missionary.  He will eat up his experiences, and wait with eager anticipation to hear the stories.  He will want to be just like him.

That brings us to your missionary. I must admit that I love seeing young new missionaries. I fully believe that anybody can be a missionary any time throughout their lives, but there's always been a part of me that wondered who I would be today if I had served a formal mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I admire their faith, often stepping out into the unknown. I look at your son and I see anticipation, I see love, I see determination, and I see fear of the unknown.  He's sure of what he's been called to do, yet despite the preparation courses, the past experiences from family and friends, and other council he's been given, there is still so much unknown.  From your conversation, I learn that he will be serving the people of South Korea. This call brings with it, new cultures, new religions, new languages, new foods, new people, new challenges, new hardships, and new faith.  But he will conquer and he will grow.

Just as I see his fear, faith, and determination... I see your same fears, your Love, and your Faith. You're trying desperately to hide them.  However, what I see in your eyes at this moment in time, I have seen in my own mother's time and time again. Behind that smile, are eyes of blue so full of worry, love, and heartache.  I'm sure today is not an easy day for you as a mother.  Today you send him off to a wild and crazy foreign country.  I see in your eyes a million questions.  Did I teach him right? Did I help him grow? Does he know the Gospel? Is he really able to learn a knew and complex language? Does he have a testimony of Prayer? Can I trust that he will be protected from the evils of the world? How is my 6ft tall son going to relate to the people of Korea? Will they think he's a giant? Will they listen to him? Will they trust him? Is he ready? Will he return?

Those eyes, Those piercing blue eyes so full of a mother's unconditional love assure me that everything is going to be great.  Maybe not easy.  Maybe not timed to earthy perfection. His gospel is what matters. His Love will ultimately bring us back to him.  Life is full of uncertainty.  But in the end conquering that uncertainty with faith and trust in Him and his timing is what will make this life worthwhile.

So once again, thank you.  Thank you for setting an example for a random stranger.  Thank you for raising good honorable men.  Thank you for loving them enough to let them go and teach the world the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  Thank you for being an answer to a prayer you never heard uttered.

Carnal .... Envy; Love .... Peace

So, here's the thing. Sister is nigh unto marriage....or at least things with her latest suitor appear as if they are on that highway. And I'm having major mixed feelings about the possibility.

When I first learned of The Ex BIL and his extramarital escapades, the ONLY thing I wanted for Sis was a good man who would love her. I specifically remember a night not longer after the aftermath, and an all but awkward family function, kneeling down in my bedroom and pleading with my Heavenly Father in her behalf. I told him that night, that I would never know the details between the BIL and Sister. I told him, that I just wanted her to be happy, and I prayed, if it be his will, that he would grant her the love of a good man. At that time I didn't know if Sis and the Ex would work things out. After all I loved him just as much. He'd been a part of my life since I was 13, longer than he'd been out of it. The part of me that couldn't believe, was equally pushing for things to be. Alas, I won't speculate as to why-- after all I am neither judge nor jury--but things fell apart. 

I believe I have been blessed with a small amount of foresight for things in my life. I.E. Marrying later in life. That prayer filled night over a year ago when I petitioned my God for Sister's heart to be healed, just as sure as I knew God would bless Sister with the love of a good man, I was also overcome with the knowledge that she would be blessed to find it before I did.... I wasn't necessarily seeking that admonition from the spirit, yet it came.

When she was ready, I watched as she plunged head first into the dating scene once more. I was constantly torn between envy for the number of men she was meeting/dating and the love required to be first and foremost her supportive sister. Having my own sister share in the joys and miseries of dating was great. Swapping giddy first date stories... We were finally able to enjoy one of the perks of sisterhood that the six year age difference stole from us prior--boys.  But then, where she would go a couple days or weeks between dates, I would go months.... And slowly that envy crept into my mind.  

Then it happened. A wedding idea board popped up in her Pinterest feed. At first glance, it was okay. And then by the 23rd wedding cake pin.... Let's just say I was struggling inside. I knew it would come eventually. I'd prayed for it to come, hadn't I? I knew upon meeting her beau a month ago that this would be coming.... But still those feelings of greed, jealousy, envy, and selfishness began to wedge their way in to my emotions. I didn't like the constant internal battle of good vs. evil. Where I should have been happy for her, I found that I was irritated by the injustice of the situation.  I mean, really? Since when did due process equate to her planning a second wedding, before I even had the opportunity to think about a first? I'd never really had a problem with the whole envy/marriage thing with my family/friends throughout the years.  Why was it such a problem now? 

Alas, as much as my mind wanted to dwell on the carnal injustices of life, my heart willed me to find a way to come to terms with the entire situation... and fast.  And so I turned to prayer.

A little over a week ago once again, I found myself on my knees petitioning my Heavenly Father for more than my typical evening prayers.  I asked for love, I asked for forgiveness, I asked for patience... I asked for the enabling power of  Grace that only comes through the Atonement of my Savior and the strength to endure the struggles of mortality. Simple yes, yet asked in faith.

"And whatsover ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you." (3 Nephi 18:20)

And so it came, seemingly instantly despite my feelings of inadequacy or worthiness.  I was filled with the same comfort and understanding that had come so freely only months before.  Those carnal natures of man--envy, jealousy, resentment, selfishness, pride-- were gone.  With them gone, I was able to turn to Sister and relish in the joys and excitement of a potential engagement/wedding. With them gone, I was enveloped in the arms of Love by my Savior.  And I was comforted in knowing that in due time... all his promises will be fulfilled.

I've realized over the last few weeks that I am only beginning to understand the Savior's Atonement.  It wasn't just a sacrifice for sin, nor to loose the bands of death that we may have eternal life, but a sacrifice of mercy and love that "he may know how to succor his people." (Alma 7:12)  It is a gift, freely given, if we but believe on His name and come unto Him.

I think back on that prayer filled night over a year ago.  Why was it necessary for me to receive that comfort in knowing that Sister would find the heart of a good man before myself?  I could have received last weeks same peace and understanding through the Atonement without it.  We all can.  Yet, in his wisdom he sent this foresight and knowledge to comfort and strengthen me.  He knew what a trial this has been for me in life.  He knew that I would need that comfort to draw strength from in order to endure. He knew I would need to be there not to envy Sister, but to rejoice with her.  He gave because He Loves.