Before I include the reason for this post, I just needed to get out some emotion...I will be updating soon....
Emotions
I find it difficult lately to put words to my feelings...actually putting sentences together proves to be very difficult.....probably because I have had interrupted sleep for way too long now....I have had no motivation to teach Savannah to sleep through the night....I am afraid to put her in another room for fear of death....not that I am afraid of death, but.....you know, children do die, It really does happen, and it could happen again even with my best effort.... Now, I don't want you all to be worried about my statements....I believe in God, I believe He has a plan for all his children, and I believe we will be together with our children in Heaven one day, but being mere mortal now, I have intensified human emotions at play here... I did lose a precious child, one that cannot be replaced nor duplicated...My heart has a huge hole in it....Savannah helps put "band aids" on it (she came with a "box of band aids" for example her smiles, her noises, her love etc etc.) however, the "band aids" need to be changed often....the hole will always be there and it leaks sadness sometimes...I will always miss Evan...I think of Evan constantly....I miss everything about him! This life is so long....I mark down the days of the calendar....hopeful that the more days I mark off, the sooner I will see him............
Now the reason for posting today.
Reflections
Cameron our now 5 year old son lost his only brother when he was 4. Evan was everything to Cameron. Roommate, swinging partner, Harry Potter fan, baseball lover, wrestling partner, popcorn eating buddy, gang up on sisters advocate, brother and best friend.....the list can go on and on....
I can't imagine what it has been like inside Cameron's head for the last year..... Right after Evan died, Cameron stopped talking, then progressed to baby talk, then developed hyperactivity traits. If you knew Cameron before Evan died, he was an extremely good talker, well behaved, and just the sweetest kid ever....he is different now. Yes, he is still sweet, he now talks....not to everyone....and I have noticed that he doesn't use his mouth muscles as he should to speak....if you watch him talk, he could be a ventriloquist....why didn't I notice that this last year....I don't know if I should put him in speech or if he is fine...you can understand what he says....maybe he will just have a job as a ventriloquist someday...ha!...he is a smart kid, he reads and comprehends what he reads...I don't worry about him academically....just emotionally....it makes me so sad that he has such heartache at such a young age...
The prayer
Cameron's prayers for the last year have included, "please bless that Evan will come back"...everyday for a year now....we talked to him about this, but he still prays for this wish...(I wish the same thing)....and "please bless that no one else in my family will die" yes, same thing for a year now....When Savannah was born, his prayer included that "please bless that Savannah will grow up and not die" and then two nights ago he prayed, "please bless that Evan will come back, please bless that Savannah will be a good wife and that everyone else in my family will live." Last night he prayed all the same as listed previously except now included "please bless that Savannah will be a mother." I believe he is praying these things for Savannah because he fears that she will die before she grows up to be a wife and mother.....What a terrible thing for a 5 year old to have to feel....I am sad because of the loss of Evan and for the grief Jim and I deal with on a daily basis....but I am deeply saddened and troubled because my children have this extra burden that they unfortunately have to carry that most children (thank goodness) will never have to experience.
Emotions
I find it difficult lately to put words to my feelings...actually putting sentences together proves to be very difficult.....probably because I have had interrupted sleep for way too long now....I have had no motivation to teach Savannah to sleep through the night....I am afraid to put her in another room for fear of death....not that I am afraid of death, but.....you know, children do die, It really does happen, and it could happen again even with my best effort.... Now, I don't want you all to be worried about my statements....I believe in God, I believe He has a plan for all his children, and I believe we will be together with our children in Heaven one day, but being mere mortal now, I have intensified human emotions at play here... I did lose a precious child, one that cannot be replaced nor duplicated...My heart has a huge hole in it....Savannah helps put "band aids" on it (she came with a "box of band aids" for example her smiles, her noises, her love etc etc.) however, the "band aids" need to be changed often....the hole will always be there and it leaks sadness sometimes...I will always miss Evan...I think of Evan constantly....I miss everything about him! This life is so long....I mark down the days of the calendar....hopeful that the more days I mark off, the sooner I will see him............
Now the reason for posting today.
Reflections
Cameron our now 5 year old son lost his only brother when he was 4. Evan was everything to Cameron. Roommate, swinging partner, Harry Potter fan, baseball lover, wrestling partner, popcorn eating buddy, gang up on sisters advocate, brother and best friend.....the list can go on and on....
I can't imagine what it has been like inside Cameron's head for the last year..... Right after Evan died, Cameron stopped talking, then progressed to baby talk, then developed hyperactivity traits. If you knew Cameron before Evan died, he was an extremely good talker, well behaved, and just the sweetest kid ever....he is different now. Yes, he is still sweet, he now talks....not to everyone....and I have noticed that he doesn't use his mouth muscles as he should to speak....if you watch him talk, he could be a ventriloquist....why didn't I notice that this last year....I don't know if I should put him in speech or if he is fine...you can understand what he says....maybe he will just have a job as a ventriloquist someday...ha!...he is a smart kid, he reads and comprehends what he reads...I don't worry about him academically....just emotionally....it makes me so sad that he has such heartache at such a young age...
The prayer
Cameron's prayers for the last year have included, "please bless that Evan will come back"...everyday for a year now....we talked to him about this, but he still prays for this wish...(I wish the same thing)....and "please bless that no one else in my family will die" yes, same thing for a year now....When Savannah was born, his prayer included that "please bless that Savannah will grow up and not die" and then two nights ago he prayed, "please bless that Evan will come back, please bless that Savannah will be a good wife and that everyone else in my family will live." Last night he prayed all the same as listed previously except now included "please bless that Savannah will be a mother." I believe he is praying these things for Savannah because he fears that she will die before she grows up to be a wife and mother.....What a terrible thing for a 5 year old to have to feel....I am sad because of the loss of Evan and for the grief Jim and I deal with on a daily basis....but I am deeply saddened and troubled because my children have this extra burden that they unfortunately have to carry that most children (thank goodness) will never have to experience.
