Another Angel Baby

One of my dear friends had to say goodbye to her little angel girl...as her husband so eloquently said it, "she got her wings early." I was in shock when she called and told me the news....I wept and wept...uncontrollably for awhile. I was so heartbroken that she had to share in this terrible pain that feel I everyday. If I could choose, I would never have anyone feel this...I can't even completely explain the feeling, but no one wants to feel this!

I remember those early days of the grief...oh, it's terrible...you just want to die...you just want to not feel anymore...you just want to be with your baby...you can't sleep, you can't eat, you can't think, you can't cook or clean or shop, you can't function normally...you don't want to be alone, you don't want to be with people, you don't want to explain yourself, you want people to talk to you, you don't want people to talk to you, you never want to smile or laugh again and it seems impossible that you ever will, you don't want people to treat you differently, you don't want them to never speak of your child, you don't want people to subtract how many children you have, you are so tired and exhausted, you want time to reverse, you want to just fade away.... the list could go on and on...


I have been functioning so much better lately...but I do have days that all I want to do is cry...and now I cry for my friend.........it brings back those early days........


So many tears have I cried, I don't recognize the person that I am sometimes...I feel old, really old...the dark circles have not faded, the wrinkles have increased...I have aged...I look at pictures taken just before this tragedy and I look at pictures now...10 years must have passed...that's what I see...


Please be patient with us grieving moms and dads, we will always be grieving and we will never be the same...just love us for who we are today and who we will be someday.


The following is a poem from my Angel Children Blog...it was posted by one of my fellow Angel moms.


I Lost My Child Today
by Netta Wilson, 1996

I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry,
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say,
To try and make the pain go away,
I walked the floor in disbelief,
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away,
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream.
This can't be real. I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,God, help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year.
Now people who had come, have gone.
I sit and struggle all day long.
To bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,"She must move on and leave this place."
Yet I am trapped right here in time,
The songs the same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child......Today.

Back to School and Joy School

I took this picture when they got off the bus. Cameron has a little Gingerbread man headband on because the K teachers took the kids around the school looking for The Gingerbread Man who had left crumbs all throughout the school...this was a way for the Kindergartners to learn where the music,media,Art,PE,cafeteria etc were. Pretty clever teachers!
I am so proud of these kids...
they have been through so much this year.

Cameron's first day of Kindergarten!

Kailey's first day of 3rd grade!

Danielle's first day of 5th grade and her last year of elementary school!

The beginning of this school year was so much better than last year. I still can't believe I sent my kids to school last year only 4 days after we buried their little brother. I guess I figured that starting school last year would bring some normalcy to them. Looking back, I hope I did the right thing.

Here's a little scoop about their day!

The kids loved their teachers! Cameron made a new friend based on the fact that they both love Mario Cart! I guess they talked about that during free time. I wish I couldn't have been a fly on the wall to see how Mario Cart was brought up....so cute, he is growing up!

Kailey decided that her "man teacher" wasn't so bad, he ended up being super funny! (She went to the eye doc today...as long as she keeps both her eyes open, she should be fine...when he checked one eye at a time, she was pretty near sighted...so glasses may be in our future...)

Danielle loved her day too...except for the fact that in 5th grade you have to run 3 laps every day. I personally think that is great....but she is our non-do anything-just read a book girl...it's good for her!


We have come a long way, but man is this road ever long. I thought for sure I'd be with Evan by now! (I am not being morbid, just looking forward to that day when Christ will come again) But, between now and then, I've got a lot to work on and things about my to improve.

I began teaching Joy School yesterday and wow, are these kids great! My Joy School venture began when I did a Co-op Joy School when Kailey was 4....then fast forward... when Cameron was 3.... I had 5 Moms wanting me to teach all the Joy School....Now I am in my 3rd year teaching with the Franchised Joy School! It is great. The wonderful thing is that I get to do this without leaving my home! The kids this year are so cute and little! I have no 4's turning 5 this year....but boy are these kids smart! I have two almost 3 year olds that know all their abc's and numbers!! The other 5 three year olds could be in preschool right now! I feel really privileged to be teaching such bright minds! (of course, I say the same thing every year...all the kids I have taught are so smart...good parenting!) I am teaching 3 days a week this year. I added a Wednesday class that acts as a precursor to my little Joy School. It is going to be a lot of fun. These kids are 2-3 year olds and I can't wait to see them today.

Music

Jim and Evan July 2008

Music is one of those outlets that allows us to feel things we may not be able to verbally express. I have sought much comfort in music since Evan passed away. At first it was really hard to hear anything on the radio...especially since I mostly listen to country or the Joy FM (Christian music)....songs that tell stories are powerful and they move me. I have cried so many times while driving...I wonder what people must think...I don't really care...

My husband has been a rock through all of our trials we faced this last year. He has been my comfort and strength and I don't know what I would do without him. He is so loving and caring not only to me, but to our children. I know losing Evan has been so hard on him, but he is always comforting me and appears so strong. Jim is a gentle man....a man of few words...but his words are so wise. So it surprised me when he told me a song he heard on the radio almost made him want to cry. It is by Evanescence and it's called My Immortal. I have heard this song too on the radio and it has made me cry, but hearing this from Jim gave me a glimpse inside his soul...how he must ache for Evan. I have included this song on my "Playlist" so you can hear it here on my blog. I think it's interested that "Evan" is the first part "Evanescence." Cameron was sitting next to me at the computer when I was putting this song on my playlist. He said, "Mommy, this song makes me feel sad, it hurts my stomach." If you feel this song in your heart...Cameron's words are so true...losing a child makes you so sad and it does hurt your stomach. I am grateful that music has helped me hear my husband's heart and that Cameron can feel what the music was trying to evoke.

Savannah Smiles

Savannah at 4 weeks old!

With Mommy!

With big brother, Cameron!

Danielle and Kailey love their baby sister! (5 or 6 weeks old)

Savannah sporting her swimming attire. (7 Weeks)

8 Weeks and still smiling!

Cameron took this picture of me and Savannah...pretty good for a 5 year old! (Savannah is 9 weeks old now)

2 months, 12.9 lbs 24 1/2 inches long....another chunky monkey!

I am just about as good at writing in my journal as I am writing on this blog. I have really good intentions, but somehow the hours in the day slip away...I wish I had more time...it would be so great if I didn't have to sleep, but sleep is something that I also crave...probably because I have had no sleep for two months!! Well....no sleep may be an exaggeration...but uninterrupted sleep is yet to come.

Soooo, my mother has left me sooooooo many messages about when I will post more pictures of Savannah....so these are for you mom (and anyone else who has been interested in Savannah's development.)

Savannah started smiling around 4 weeks old and she is quickly mastering this skill. Her smile warms my heart. I am so grateful for her! She has been such a blessing to our family.

Evan's first Angel Day

Today marks Evan's first Angel Day. We miss him so much, but know we will see him again one day. We have been blessed this year with so much love from others. Thank you all for your continued support. We can feel the prayers that so many of you have said for us today. I feel strength today beyond my own. Thank you. We love you.