What NOT to say...

Through my biggest trials in my life (losing a close friend to cancer and Field's medical diagnosis/surgeries) I have experienced the MOST genuine love and support.  So let me start out by saying I am SO very blessed by those who continue to encourage us through our difficult times.

However, on that note, I also have experienced people who don't know what to say, don't know what to do, and/or say things that are hurtful or offensive (of course, not on purpose).

So, I have decided to devote a blog post to give some advice on what to say and more importantly, what NOT to say.  Please note that these are solely my personal opinion.  Also, I do not have any single person in mind who has said the wrong thing, so please do not worry if you feel you might have said these things before.  These are all general statements and comments about what I personally feel should or should not be said to someone during a tragedy.

Many people mention that they don't know what to say when someone faces a difficult trial and the awkwardness sometimes overshadows the thoughtfulness, so I thought I would give my thoughts to help anyone that has difficulty in this area.

#1 - My biggest pet peeve (one that all of my close friends already know).  Please do not say, "I cannot imagine what you must be going through."  This comment isolates the person, makes them feel alone, and also reminds them that their life is so bad right now that you cannot imagine being them.  When people tell me that they "can't imagine" what I am going through, I always want to tell them to try to imagine.  So that's my advice, instead of telling them you cannot imagine how they must be feeling, try to imagine and think about what would make you feel supported and less alone.  It's ok to not understand what the person is feeling, but don't tell them that.  A better comment is something like this, "We are here for you.  You are not alone in this.  We will support you through this."

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#2 - We always want to help someone who is going through a difficult time.  Especially a death in the family or someone who is very sick.  Most people will email/call/text and say something like, "Let me know what I can do to help" or "Let me know if you need anything."  Chances are the person in need is not going to call you up and ask for a favor.  So instead of asking them to let you know when they need something, be assertive and say something like this, "I am running by the grocery store later and am going to grab some snacks for you.  Can I drop them by the hospital/house/hospice home around 2:00?  I won't stay and can leave them on the front porch if that's easier."  If you want to bring dinner, don't ask if you can bring dinner.  Be assertive and say something like this, "I would like to bring you dinner this Tuesday or Thursday.  Which day works best?"  And please do not ask what they want for dinner.  Just make something that you would like.  It's awkward to tell someone to bring you dinner and even more awkward to tell them what to bring you.  And if all else fails, drop a basket of fruit and baked goods by with an encouraging note.  Surely someone will eat them and an encouraging note is always welcome.  I am putting emphasis on an encouraging note - write something that will make the person feel loved, supported, and encouraged.  And to reiterate what was said above, please do not put this in your note:  "I cannot imagine what you must be going through.  Love, ___."  

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#3 - Another helpful way to help a friend in need is to offer to mow the lawn, pick up prescriptions, or run errands.  When Field was born, we were so consumed with trying to feed a baby that wouldn't eat and prepare for surgery at 3 weeks old.  Our friends did SO much for us, but one of the sweetest things they did was come mow our lawn once a week so Brad didn't have to worry about it.  We would look outside and one of the guys was mowing away in our front yard and we never asked them to do this.  What a GIFT! (Thank you, sweet friends!)  Another sweet co-worker of Brad's showed up at the hospital on the day of his first surgery (Field was 3 weeks old and having his first heart surgery.  We were a total wreck!) with a dozen breakfast tacos and a Starbucks box of coffee.  We still have no idea how he found us in the hospital and how he knew what time we would be there.  He literally walked into the waiting room, handed us the goods, and walked right out.  That, my friends, was a huge blessing.  We didn't want to talk, didn't want to cry, didn't want to explain for the one millionth time what is "wrong" with Field's heart...but we sure could have used breakfast and coffee.  So that was a wonderful treat.

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#4 - This goes for those dealing with a child with a special need or medical problem.  Please don't say, "I don't know how you sent your baby through surgery," or "There is no way I could have gotten through or done that."  Please remember that as parents, we don't have a choice as to whether our children are born sick or healthy.  If it was you, you would do the same things and you would be just as strong.  It's what we do as parents.  We intervene and we fight HARD for them.  No need to tell us that and no need to tell us that you could never do what we did.  Because you could.  A better way to support someone in this way is something like this, "We are so proud of you for what you have done for your child.  What a lucky boy to have such supportive parents.  We are here to support you as you care for your child."

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#5 - Most importantly, the worst thing you can do is say or do nothing at all.  When we feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say/do, the easiest thing is to say/do nothing.  Please do not do this.  This will put a barrier in between your relationship that is hard to remove.  It's hard to talk with a friend that hasn't acknowledged what you are going through or what you have been through.  A gentle hug with an encouraging comment like, "I'm sorry to hear about..." or "You have been on my mind and in my prayers so much" or "My love and support is with you" or just a simple "We love ya" is great too.  As hard as it is, please acknowledge a tragedy or trial that a friend is going through.

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Once again, I certainly didn't write this to make anyone feel bad about a comment they might have made in the past, so please don't take it that way.  This truly has been on my mind for years (I have seriously considered writing a book about it!) and so I wanted to share my tidbits with all of you.  It might (or might not) be ironic that as a licensed counselor, I work now with children and families dealing with very difficult diagnosis.  My goal for each of my clients is that they feel more encouraged and more support after meeting with me - not deflated and alone.  I hope this helps you support your loved ones in these encouraging ways.