Gut feeling

is a gift from god above.

A blog in the exact time it takes to eat an apple slowly.

*Bite*
I miss the peace and security that come with having someone there to take care of you when you really need it.
The missing especially manifests itself when I see warm lovey-dovey couples that don't need to talk but only look at one another

*bite*
I don't think I can make a great anything by myself. You show people things, you direct actors, you write for people to read.
You communicate.

*Bite*
This apple is delicious. The post-card I got from the Louvre I put in a wooden frame and over my computer desk. The man is naked, and tired. He's over the mountain top and the scenery is beautiful. He is beautiful, yet weary but strong.

*Bite*
A friend of mine asked me about my cat and I told her that He has personality more than any other cat I've seen/known and she said that all of those who have cats say the exact same thing.
And i laughed.

*Bite*
Ramadan has to end. I'm tired to people having a bad temper all the time and blaming it on not eating, the horrible traffic and the emptiness that conquers the city for one hour then it's hell again.

*Bite*
I took more than one bite. I'm greedy.

Mazzy Star - Be My Angel

They say its me,
That makes you do things
You might not have done,
If I was away
And thats its me,
That likes to talk to you
And watches you,
As you walk away
Dont say its useless,
Dont say forget it
Dont bring me wishes,
Of silly dreams
Just say its all,
From too much freedom
Too many fingers,
And to anything
They say its you,
That washes the weary
And brings the night into the day
If you wont notice,
How can I show you
All of you worries,
Have all gone away
Dont leave me lonely,
Dont leave me unhappy
Just bring me up into your fate
If you dont need me,
Then dont deceive me
Letting my freedom turn into stone
Just be my angel,
If you love me
Be my angel,
In the night
Be my angel,
cause you need me
Be my angel,
And treat me right
Dont say you love me,
If you dont need me
Dont send me roses,
On your behalf
Just take me down,
And walk through your river
Down the middle,
And make it last
Holding on to you,
Holding on to me
Holding on tight,
till my love is crossed
Dont say its useless,
And dont say forget it
You are my spirit,
Now you are gone.

http://www.actionext.com/names_m/mazzy_star_lyrics/be_my_angel.html

Everything is changing and I am not the same

Everything is changing and I am not the same.

you'd be proud if you could say that you change when you want to and how you want to.
you'd be even more proud if you could say that you always change for the better.

everything is changing not because I cut all my hair off, or because I keep saying the same boy with dreamy eyes in places

everything is changing not because the one I love might never come back

everything is changing not because I have to go to a place I hardly know EVERY DAY

everything is changing not because the weather is strange or because I have allergy.

everything is changing because you don't choose friends, they choose you.
and you are less able
and less strong
and every decision you make is less meaningful as a decision because most of it was depending on space and time. the here and now.

and all those people you thought were most human turned out to be only actors.

everything was changing before all of these things happened, these things are but witnesses of that change, and enforcements.


and then there's the occasional sticker on the planner, and my cat sleeping in the bathroom because the floor is cool there. things that will make you smile when you don't want to. and I love those things.

And what's left is a red journal, a beret that I absolutely love, shades, books, occasional moments with those whom you feel are there once you think about them.

There's a filthy line of black under my nails even though I've already cut them yesterday.
I'm up at 3 30 which is magical.
The most amazing movie/series was on Otv, I couldn't resist.
I cut my hair shorter than M's, who had a skin-head three weeks ago.
It's easier to eliminate choices by letting them suicide.

Changes.
No changes, big changes.

It's funny how when you think you're going to be stuck away from home, someone says something like "so, I guess you're not going to ever come back, are you?"
especially if that someone was once a friend.

Now as for the softer being that is me.
It's easy to reject, but it should be easier. I know it should be easier.
And it shouldn't be easy to move on.

The underlying *at least* is that now I have a reason to be bizarre that people could connect to.

Before I could say, I'm weird because I had no friends in middle-school.
Now I can say, I'm weird because my boyfriend of a year and a half is going to be stuck in the military for the next two years, and he will be accompanied with a piece of my sanity that shall only return when he does.

And it all sounds like a 20s film and old tragedy, as you know, is contemporary comedy.

Rome is a place to be only in the imagination.
Florence is a place to be when you have time to listen to concerto and not think about your life.
Venice is a place to be when you have money and read a lot.
Paris is a place to be when you want to prove that friendship is more than able to fight loneliness and win the fight.

Even my friends miss your stupid jokes and your constant *the funny thing is* even when it's not funny.
And if you end up in the military, I will buzz my head off and/or cut is as short as they will cut yours. It's something to talk about.