Ya girl is getting the hell out of [red state] and moving to [city in blue state] this week! Will edit mega with more later perhaps.

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  • TerminalEncounter [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
    7·
    1 hour ago

    Being out for a long time, past the early and middle and late stage changes HRT does (its been 6 years for me!), finished the big surgery, its an odd feeling to be like… done? Of course, Im not, but so much of my life was consumed by the next waitlist, the next call, the next form, the next med switch and now its just the rest of my life. Its a nice feeling!

  • Moss [they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    6·
    2 hours ago
    closeted

    Being closeted is tearing me apart. I thought I might be nonbinary when I was 19. I didn’t think much about it for a while, then as I hit my 20s and decided I want to conciously be myself instead of just be convenient for others, I realised I really wanted to be nonbinary. I started looking more into alternative fashion and doing my hair differently. But I’m still not out, and this past year its been eating at me. I have a loving group of friends who already accepted one of my friends when he came out as trans, and supportive parents and family. But the idea of coming out still scares me so much.

    I don’t live in a city where other trans and queer people are visible. I live in rural Ireland, where the most alternative thing you’ll ever see is a tattoo, and diverging from conventions is extremely looked down on. I don’t like my body, I’m slightly overweight and constantly jealous of skinnier and more attractive people. Coming out at work is going to be fully impossible. I work in a kitchen with pretty intense and competitive people, and there’s a lot of toxic masculinity going around.

    But I feel like its becoming a danger to my health, the longer I’m closeted. I feel that coming out is something I need to do to save myself, but the act itself is so terrifying. Its not so much that I’m afraid of being rejected, but telling people I’m not who they thought I am terrifies me. I really, really don’t want to tell people my pronouns are they/them and police them on that.

    • soyaEnjoyer [they/them, she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
      1·
      6 minutes ago

      i don’t mean to seem like i’m being transmed but, if you feel like you’re going to want to get hrt and/or laser, start right now. today, even. people won’t notice that your facial hair is getting thinner over the course of 6-12 months and cis people will jump through all kinds of mental hoops to excuse the reason why a “man” would be starting to grow tits. but you will feel it when not starting laser or hrt sooner is holding you back (i started hrt in 2019 and i’m currently getting more laser bc i just didn’t get enough originally and never was able to go back for regular top-ups)

      i also live in a place where queer people are just not really visible and it fucking SUCKS. but i suppose i’m lucky that there’s a big city nearby which is gay af. maybe you have something similar which is commutable? it sounds like your friends will support you, which will help a great deal.

      otherwise, what serial said.

    • SerialExperimentsGay [she/her, she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
      4·
      1 hour ago
      spoiler

      Yeah that sounds as if you’re under a ton of pressure. There comes a point where the closet gets unbearable and you just need to come out, it’s good that you are aware of that. The first steps are the scariest, but it gets easier once you’ve taken that leap. You do not need to do all of it at once. It sounds as if your friend group is a very safe bet bc they are already accepting of gender diverse people, so i recommend starting there, one by one. Build a little support network. Then move up to telling your parents, then maybe your wider family. Work and day to day life sounds hardest, you should save that until you are secure and have settled in. But even then, being out to some people and having a space where you’re accepted for who you are will take a massive burden off your back. I hope it all goes well for you.

  • PraiseCorn [they/them, comrade/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    3·
    6 hours ago
    dysphoria/mental health

    God recently ive felt like such shit and I don’t know why. I just feel completely out of it. Idk if its my mental issues and adhd n shit or testosterone or both but I honestly feel like shit and I feel very de-gendered, which is kinda a weird thing that happens when I feel like shit in that I kinda just dont really do gender or identity in any meaningful way and kinda dissociate while feeling dysphoric at the same time. This fucking sucks and hopefully my incoming hrt makes me feel better even though im not entirely sure if this is hormonal when I have medication issues and 100000000 megafarttons of adhd that is entirely unmedicated.

  • SuperZutsuki [they/them, she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
    7·
    8 hours ago
    mention of SH/SI

    My gf is going through a rough patch and has said she’s thinking about SH and and that she “really doesn’t want to be alive.” She says this is a long-standing problem and that she doesn’t know what to do except keep trying. I’m attempting to get her into therapy but that requires some effort on her part (though I’ve said I would do as much of the admin as I can). We still need to sit down and figure out who will take her insurance and get the whole process going. The relationship is still fresh and I still have a lot to learn about her, though she has told me a bit about her various unresolved traumas. It seems like she’s not been putting much effort into getting better (understandably difficult to do when you’re depressed). I was helped by a few good friends when I was in a similar place and want so much to help her, if I can. I know I can’t just will her to get better even if she gets into therapy but I gotta do something, you know? I’m hoping that she at least comes to internalize that she is loved and cared for, that she isn’t alone, and I hope that gives her a little energy to move forward. When she’s not being dragged down by depression, she is the sweetest, most wonderful person in the world. She is so deserving of love and happiness and my heart hurts so much for her catgirl-cry

    My heart also hurts for all the trans people in the world driven to these thoughts by the death cult that wants to kill us, the parents that we know are not safe to come out to, the “health” “care” “system” that wastes our time and saps our energy. I want all my trans siblings to know self-love and the love of others. I don’t want to lose anyone else niko-tear-wipe

  • BountifulEggnog [it/its, she/her]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
    4·
    8 hours ago
    dysphoria

    Almost 1 year on hrt. I do like hrt’s effects but it is not enough. I have not malefailed still.

    suicide

    I don’t want to do this anymore. I am fully sick. I want to at least make it the two more months to 1 year hrt. But I don’t want to keep going after that. I don’t know if I’ll be keeping that date.

    I am just so sick of this. so fucking tired of feeling miserable. I am so sick of dysphoria, and how I look, and transition, and humanity, and fucking everything. FUCKING KILL ME RIGHT THE FUCK NOW

    I don’t even know what the fuck else to say or complain about. Maybe I will add more later.

    • BountifulEggnog [it/its, she/her]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      2·
      6 hours ago
      spoiler

      I don’t know what to do. I just don’t want to suffer like this anymore. I am tired of this.

      I don’t want to be here anymore. I say anymore. Like I’ve wanted to be here in god knows how long.

      I’m sick of being trans. This is too much. I don’t want to be miserable anymore. There isn’t any other way of making it stop. Of helping me cope. Of me being functional.

      Why the fuck would I stay here. There is nothing for me. I want to finally leave.

  • uokgerku [comrade/them, they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    8·
    10 hours ago

    It can be rly hard to be around ppl who don’t think of themselves like animals (humans are animals but y’know, the normative viewpoint where human ppl see themselves as above other animals somehow) like most of my furry friends, just feels like a fundamental disconnect

    cw: alcohol

    I’m rly drunk >w< sry

    I would give up a lot of things to be a dog

    Taking odds on me deleting this later :3