Dawn of the Dead.

Zack Snyder, nowadays, is known for making large scale movies that pretty much look and feel like cut scenes from a video game.  Don’t get me wrong, it might be a decent video game at times, but a video game nonetheless.  At this point I’m not sure how much the actors actually even have to act anymore in his movies.  This is part of the reason why, when looking back, it’s pretty peculiar and, well, awesome, that when Snyder decided to “re-boot” Romero’s classic “Dawn of the Dead”, he went fully old school for the special effects and used minimal amounts of CGI.  But I digress, Starkwell and Lovelock, I present to you, the re-make of your beloved classic.

[...]

[Blonde Girl named Ana works at a hospital as a nurse.  People seem to be getting sick.  Emergency broadcasts on the TV and whatnot.]

Starkwell: It’s interesting that Snyder already plays on the fact that the audience knows it’s a zombie film, and so he puts in all these hints that shit’s about to go down.

[And then shit goes down immediately.  Little Zombie Girl shows up and eats Ana’s boyfriend.  Zombies run!]

Lovelock: Well, he certainly isn’t wasting any time.  Although, I do wish that it wasn’t a little kid.  Kids are lame.

Starkwell: Nothing’s ever good enough for you.

[Boyfriend turns immediately, Blondie goes outside, all Hell has broken loose.]

Lovelock: Ok… I’ll forgive the kid thing.

[...]

It’s definitely more of a “loosely based on” type of a thing, according to Lovelock.  In any case, the two of them sat pretty quietly as the gang of characters ended up almost immediately at the mall.  There are the “regular” good guys and the “not so good” good guys and the “totally bad, at least for  for now” guys.  There was a nice Tom Savini cameo at one point that made Lovelock applaud.  And then shortly thereafter there was a Ken Foree cameo and he was like “THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.”

[...]

[Two Asshole Security Guards act like they own the place, but the Get Along Gang turn the tables on them and put them in a holding cell. Some more people show up, and Get Along Gang let them in and now the Get Along Gang is bigger.]

Starkwell: With this new group, I’m sure we’ll be able to cover all the clichés.

Lovelock: Obviously there’s the rich snob guy, the organ player, the criminal!

Starkwell: The father-daughter duo!  The preggers chick!  The slut!

Lovelock: They turn much faster in this one than in the original.

Starkwell: Yeah… except the pregnant woman, who seems to be taking a long time to turn.

[Fat Woman dies, immediately comes back.]

Lovelock: First the Kid Zombie, now the Fat Zombie?   "Covering all the clichés" is right…

[...]

Then there’s a montage of them living at the mall, for… I don’t know how long.  Richard Cheese plays and Lovelock dances.  The two Asshole Security Guards are still locked in the holding cells.

[...]

[Mekhi’s Pregnant Russian Wife is strapped down to a bed squirming, turning into a zombie and going into labor.]

Starkwell: So… no one is noticing any of this?  No one has been like “Hey ummm… about the whole ‘your wife is chained to the bed thing’?”

[...]

Then one of the Asshole Guards (the real scumbag one) gets all eaten and Lovelock was like “aw yeah comeuppance”.  And then the other Asshole Guard, C.J., totally helped out and became a valuable member of the team and he was like “aw yeah redemption”.

[...]

[Zombie Preggers explodes with a Zombie Baby, Old Lady walks in on it.]

Lovelock: So good! The Old Woman is like “Hey hon', I brought some candles! OH SHIT ZOMBIE! KILL IT!”

[Mexican Standoff between Mekhi and Old Woman.]

Starkwell: And the winner is… no one?

Lovelock: Dude, the winner is both of us.

[Zombie Baby.]

Lovelock: Well, there it is.  All the lame clichés possible.

[...]

The old lady didn’t become a zombie, so they concluded that only if you die from a BITE do you turn.  This is definitely a departure from Romero’s vision, and a source of anger for Starkwell.  Lovelock and Starkwell argued about this during a montage of the Get Along Gang preparing buses for their upcoming trip to the marina.  Apparently the plan is to take Rich Snob’s boat to an island.

[...]

[C.J. sacrifices himself for the good of the Get Along Gang.]

Lovelock: And with that bit of redemption, the final cliché checkbox is ticked.

Starkwell: Well… we still need a sad ending.

[Get Along Gang sail off into the sunset.  Arrive at an island… but… it’s overrun with zombies.  EVERYONE DIES.]

Starkwell: There it is.

[...]

This movie was very successful, and was honestly a fair re-imagination of the original, albeit not very faithful or particularly inventive.  But it had characters that you actually grew to like, and care for, and was a lot of fun to watch.  The biggest issue with this movie was that its success spawned a bajillion mockbuster copycats of this new zombie film formula.  But Starkwell and Lovelock won’t let that take away from how much they enjoyed this remake.  Anyways, they said a big part of what sets this apart from the cookie cutter zombie schlock out there is character development.

Day of the Dead: The Need to Feed.

Hot off the heels of the popular “Dawn of the Dead” remake, someone set out to remake “Day of the Dead”.  Steve Miner, the film’s director, is no rookie to the horror genre, with some impressive titles on his resume, most notably, a Lovelock and Starkwell favourite, 1986’s “House”.  They certainly aren’t shy to name drop Romero all over the box, even though he had nothing to do with the film other than make a good movie twenty-five years ago.  The fact that this 2008 version went straight to video is already not a very good sign.  Did I mention that it stars Nick Cannon?  Let’s see what happens.

[...]

[Teenager coughs up snot, resumes making out with girl.]

Lovelock: I think her standards are a little low.

Starkwell: Much like the casting director’s…

[...]

[Mena Suvari character introduction.]

Starkwell: So that’s why she started turning down those "American Pie" movies, to pursue a more serious acting career…

Lovelock: Harsh.

[...]

They developed the characters a little more, but who really cares?  All Lovelock and Starkwell were able to do was make fun of Nick Cannon’s crusty little moustache, his ‘crustache’ if you will.  At one point Lovelock begged the question “Seriously, how old is he supposed to be?  He looks twelve”, to which Starkwell responded “Mena Suvari’s haircut makes her look like a ‘tween.”  Afterwards Lovelock made fun of Starkwell for discussing haircuts and using the word ‘tween.  And they missed a whole chunk of movie.  They didn’t miss much, and they are yet to see anyone that they really want to root for.  But then, as if by magic, people started turning into zombies and instantaneously decaying and running and eating people, so Lovelock and Starkwell decided to pay more attention.

[...]

[Fast zombies leap tall buildings in a single bound and throw grown men around like footballs.]

Lovelock: So when they say remake, they mean it more like… ?

Starkwell: Not a remake.

[...]

Starkwell got up and started wondering how anyone could actually get away with just a bite wound when the zombies seem to “tear through people like the Tasmanian Devil on speed”.  Also, why did the virus suddenly kick in at the same time for every infected person in town?  Why does it work faster on some than on others?  Why do some peoples’ faces immediately decompose when others do not?  Lovelock shushed him, but then was like, “Seriously though, what the fuck?”  So many questions.

[...]

[People running in front of radio station.]

Starkwell: They used the same shot three times now of those three people running.

Lovelock: I thought you said that a good movie should have consistency?

Starkwell: I don’t think you’re following me here…

[...]

[Suvari is being attacked.]

Starkwell: So the zombies have super powers unless they are going after the main character?

Lovelock: Well duh, otherwise she’d die right away.

[...]

[Main character runs over her Mom without blinking.]

Starkwell: Wait, so she doesn’t want to kill the other soldier yet, in case there's a cure or something... but she felt it was ok to explode her mom into a bajillion pieces with her Hummer?  Right in front of her little brother?

Lovelock: UNIT. CORE. GOD. COUNTRY.  Somewhere after all of that, MOM.

[...]

[They find out the truth about Project Wildfire.]

Lovelock: Why is it whenever a character in a movie wants to kill some sleazeball, someone else says “no it’s not worth it.”

Starkwell: I wish someone had said that to us that before we put the DVD in.

[...]

[The outbreak has been thwarted… or has it?]

Starkwell: ...

Lovelock: ...

Starkwell: So... what?

[...]

Military types, horny teenagers, the sleazy guy, the edgy radio host, one-liners, slow-motion deaths, whizzy bullets and ‘splosions.  This was basically a cookie cutter zombie/action/shit film, which just makes the use of the title even more offensive, since Romero’s 1985 epic was anything but.  Miner did a decent job directing, but when you’re handed a terrible screenplay, there’s only so much you can do.  Well, he could have just said NO.  He should have said no.  Both Lovelock and Starkwell agree that they would hate the movie slightly less if it didn’t call itself “Day of the Dead”, but they would still, nonetheless, hate it.

FILM FEST: The Crazies - Original vs. Remake.

Although not considered a zombie movie, since ‘Les Raisins de la Mort’ is often considered as one, I will count George Romero’s ‘The Crazies’ into the mix.  This is streaming off of Netflix, so, the price is right, now let’s see if it’s worth the time.  Play movie!

[...]

[Enter the leading men, they are not exactly handsome.  Female lead wears a winter hat.]

Starkwell: Ugliest leading man I’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: I don’t know he has a certain rugged quality.  She seems to like it.

Starkwell: She certainly has an awesome toque.

Lovelock: There’s two of ‘em!

[...]

[Military doctor, always walking around wearing lab coat and stethoscope.]

Starkwell: Do doctors always walk around with a stethoscope?

Lovelock: That’s how we know he’s doctor, idiot.

[...]

[The military pretty much wants to wipe out the town.]

Starkwell: That’s some seriously evil army dudes.

Lovelock: Whatever, the mayor should get with the winning team.

Starkwell: I think the crazy granny that killed the guy with her sewing needles is on the winning team.

[...]

[There’s a guy with a beard.]

Lovelock: Beard guy sucks.

Starkwell: At acting?

Lovelock: At everything.

[...]

[Still unsure if the female lead is sick, the main characters watch her laughing at a pile of corpses set ablaze.]

Starkwell: She’s laughing at the burning bodies, and they’re not sure if she’s sick?

Lovelock: He can’t see clearly through his thick unibrow.

[...]

[The whole crew of ‘good guys’ seem to be going more and more nuts.  The Trixie virus doesn’t seem to act very quickly on the main crew of ‘good guys’.]

Starkwell: He’s crazy, the other guy’s stupid, the girl’s a flake and the father’s a pervert.  Oh, and she’s still wearing that toque.

Lovelock: Maybe it’s how she keeps the crazy out.

Starkwell: A motley crew indeed.

Lovelock: All things considered, it’s a pretty slow moving virus.

Starkwell: Yeah, more like ‘The Lazies’. 

[...]

[Ugly leading man #1 leaves ugly leading man #2 to fend for himself in a forest.]

Starkwell: I don’t think that he’ll be ok.

Lovelock: Nonsense.  He said he’s going to meet him at the Zebra Club.

Starkwell: Yeah, maybe at the big Zebra Club in the sky.

[...]

[The guy with the beard is back.] 

Lovelock: I repeat, beard guy sucks.

[...]

[At last, the main character decides to put on one of the E.T. Hasmat suits.]

Starkwell: How is it that it took them this long to think of putting on one of those outfits?

Lovelock: There was no other opportunity.

Starkwell: But what about-

Lovelock: No other opportunity.

[...]

[Movie ends, but seems to indicate that this is not over.]

Lovelock: I smell a sequel!

Starkwell: You realize that the movie is almost 40 years old, and that there was no sequel right?

Lovelock: Man, I bet the sequel is going to pick up right where this one left off.  Sooner or later.

Starkwell: Yeah, sooner or later.

[...]

Out-of-place ballad-like depressing credit music aside, this movie could certainly be classified as a minor classic.  Starkwell and Lovelock liked it enough that they have expressed interest in seeing the remake, which, hopefully won’t soil the memory of the original like many remakes have.  But that is for another day.

Today.

I plop it in to the DVD player, much like a turd is plopped.  Hopefully, this will not be the turd that I assume it will be.  Think of the remake of ‘The Fog’.  Exactly.  Alright, let’s get this over with.  Breck Eisner directs.

[...]

Starkwell: This opening scene probably cost more than the whole original movie.

[...]

Lovelock: Aw, another annoying kid.  Wait, scratch that, he’s dead.

[...]

[The cops figure out what is going on, almost INSTANTANEOUSLY.]

Starkwell: They figured that out a little quickly.

Lovelock: It’s called detective work.

Starkwell: Yeah, apparently they only need two cops for the entire county.

Lovelock: When they’re this good.

[...]

Lionel and Allen made some remarks about how the movie is going really fast.  SO the conversation died down a bit, and they just sat there eating butterscotch pudding.

[...]

[Main characters get stuck in their car in a car wash.]

Lovelock: Why are they screaming?  They should be pumped about the free car wash with the waxy goop.

Starkwell: Might not be their priority right now.

[...]

After a little while, the two started to look bored, Starkwell was muttering something about bad pacing and a needlessly long runtime.

[...]

[Nuclear explosion.]

Lovelock: The sky looks pretty.

Starkwell: Wouldn’t they be melting or something?

[...]

[The ending is decidedly happier than the original’s.]

Starkwell: A different ending.  The sign of… any good… remake?

Lovelock: Bravo.

[...]

Pound for pound, a decent remake.  More character development, more scares, more action, more fun, more everything.  A little too much, really.  Like a crazy person.  Not to mention, the lack of unibrow on the leading man leaves much to be desired, and, the original always gets extra points for being the original.  Plus, it’s just cooler.