Zombie Hall.

FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Netflix Edition Vol. III

2019-01-07T13:28:00.000-05:00

I figured the best way to bring the guys back into the fold here was with a good old-fashioned Netflix Film Fest EXTRAVAGANZA. Plus with Netflix I don’t feel bad if they don’t watch the whole thing because I’m not out the price of a shitty physical disc. Also, in general it’s just easier to document if they bail early in the film. So. Buckle your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a long night.

[Zoombies (2005)]

Not going to lie, when they saw the production company was The Asylum, they almost made me stop this piece of garbage before it started.

[...]

Lovelock: Take Jurassic Park, add a helping of We Bought a Zoo, and just a pinch of Noah’s Ark. Now subtract Matt Damon and remove everything good about the stories I mentioned and… BOOM – you got yourself Zoombies, kind of.

Starkwell: We’ve watched one minute of the movie.

Lovelock: Yeah but I mean, for fuck’s sake look at the font they’re using for the credits.

Starkwell: Right?

[...]

Hard to argue with that? Soon after that a bad CGI monkey died and reanimated and included MONKEY POV. Lovelock and STarkwell both started laughing and eventually got real quiet and said “yeah no, please stop the movie” and “NEXT” and “HARD PASS”. We almost made it past the cold open.

[Condemned (2015)]

I think that we’re all okay with the concept behind this one, but it starts with this “CREEPY” old narrator. Also known as bad start. Starkwell says something about the fourth wall or like “can’t a movie just fucking be a movie.” Then they got into a weird conversation about whether or not it should be “fucking be a movie” or “be a fucking movie”. Meanwhile the movie continued.

[Entitled Princess goes with her “Bad Part of Town Punk Friends” to their apartment where they are squatting in a condemned building.]

Lovelock: first, she has it coming. Second, I’m already totally fine if she dies, third, let’s move along to that part.

Starkwell: Harsh.

[We then meet the KERRAZY tenants at the condemned building. It’s boring.]

Lovelock: This is boring.

Starkwell: Who would even save these boring people? NOT WORTH IT.

Lovelock: Torch the building, and the people and this movie NOW.

[...]

So yeah, takes forever to get going and in the end it’s more like the Crazies of the Crazies was a super boring and shitty movie.

[Zombeavers (2014)]

At a runtime of 75-ish minutes, they should be able to get through this one… maybe?

[...]

Lovelock: Is that Bill Burr and John Mayer?

[...]

After a legitimately funny opening with these two known people, it could only go down from there, obviously. And it does. BOY DOES IT EVER. The actual movie, follows three girls on a vacation at some lakehouse, because EVERYONE HAS A LAKEHOUSE! It’s mostly bad beaver puns and innuendos and excuses to get the actresses to take their tops of.

[Beaver attack in the lake.]

Lovelock: Bad effects, but still, charming beaver puppets. Glad they didn’t go CGI.

Starkwell: I guess.

[...]

The short runtime saves it from being a full on zero, along with the fantastic beaver muppets, but honestly, I could have done without the human turns beaver stuff. Somehow worked with that sheep movie but not with this one so much. And why make a guy get his dick eaten?

[Splatter (2009)]

I think it’s safe to say that we are all here for Corey Feldman.

[...]

Starkwell: This thing is 30 minutes too long.

Lovelock: It’s only 30 minutes long?

Starkwell: BINGO.

Lovelock: IT’S SO SIMPLE.

Starkwell: Nailed it.

[...]

That’s a Corey Feldman album reference, if anyone cares. What a dull hunk of shit. I think that was enough punishment for now. Until next time.

BURT MALONE LETTERS: Zombies STILL all over the small screen...

2018-03-11T09:14:00.001-04:00

People like Malone have been 'binge watching' before there was a term for it, and no surprise, he has been devouring all things zombie that the idiot box has to offer. So here we go in another edition of "Malone takes on TV Zombies".

[...]

Hey asshead.

Since you just copy paste my letters like the lazy buffoon that you are, I'm going to structure this letter a little more like the rest of your dumb posts where you chronicle the moronic banter of those two tools.

[...]

I'm going to interrupt this, actually to say... HARSH.

[...]

Most people probably come here for Malone anyways. So give the people what they want. Alright. So I've been combing the depths of Netflix for more TV Shows with zombies that I have checked out yet. My search came up, to my surprise, with some totally adequate and competent television.

iZombie, from 2015, is into its third season at this point, and I have to say, maybe it's because I went in with a super low bar, but this thing delivers. Funny, for the most part, when it tries to be, and a cast of actors that I actually want to keep watching. Characters that I want to root for! Look, some of it is a bit lame, and not ALL of the jokes land, but the story and hook to the show is original enough to keep me engaged, and I ended up wanting to go back for more. Three out of four!

Moving along. I finally got around to watching Ash vs. Evil Dead. Bruce Campbell dusts off the old Ash role and slaps it on like a nice comfy old pair of jeans. Ash seems to be a bigger asshole than I remember... but maybe it's just been that long since I've seen the original movies. Honestly, seeing him reprise the role, and for an ongoing, well produced, well written TV show... I mean, it give me a bigger joy boner than seeing Ford do Han again. And believe me, that was a big boner. Speaking of big boner, damn, Ash is a huge dick. Three out of four as well.

At some point I knew I'd get to one I didn't like so much. this brings me to The Returned... an A&E (?) production that is the fourth (?) re-ash of the same story. I know the French one "Les Revenants" was based off a French movie, so this is the second or third level in of "based on based on based on" or something. Not a bad show. But how about just doing one that hasn't already been done. Lump this one in with Spiderman and Batman in the "I DON'T WANT ANOTHER VERSION WHO EVEN GIVES A SHIT IF ITS GOOD" category. Two out of four.

My journey through Netflix, thankfully ended on a high note. The Glitch is fucking cool. It does bear some similarities to the above mentioned re-hash of a re-hash, but it is its own thing entirely. I won't spoil anything, but it is well written, well acted, and at times, creepy as you want it to be. FOUR ON FOUR.

There. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Love, Malone.

[...]

Great. Now I have more stuff to add to my list of things I want to watch but probably never will have time to. See you on the other side.

BURT MALONE LETTERS: Fear The Walking Dead's Chris - I'm Glad He's Dead.

2017-10-20T10:01:00.000-04:00

I hadn’t heard from him in a while, so imagine my surprise when Burt Malone sent me a letter! It was a short one, sure, but pretty much to the point. I guess he’s all caught up on the “Walking Dead” spin-off series “Fear the Walking Dead”. Or at least he got far enough to make a bold statement. Here you go.

[...]

Hey. Why didn’t you forward me your new address, asshole. You’ve been there for over three years and it’s been almost that long since we’ve heard from you, or since you’ve sat down with Starkwell and Lovelock. What gives?

Well, anyways, I watched most of “Fear the Walking Dead”. It’s ok. The characters all pretty much suck, but they’ve come up with some good settings for dystopian shit. I like the hotel thing. And the bazaar was cool.

SPOILER ALERT BEST SCENE IS WHEN THEY KILL THAT FUCKING TEENAGE BOY. Man did that character suck. I think I’d rather watch “Z-Nation” then see another scene with that loser. R.I.P. Travis and all, but HOLY SHIT did you ever make a shitty son.

Hope this letter finds its way to you. I ran into Dr. Heckfire on the line, and he got me your snail mail address. Hopefully he wasn’t lying, Fapperwheel style.

[...]

I honestly don’t know what half of this letter is talking about. But shout out to Dr. Heckfire. I’ve invited Starkwell and Lovelock over for coffee to see if we can reconcile and get the band back together. Keep on keeping on, as they say.

The Horrible Dr. Bones.

2015-03-08T16:00:00.001-04:00

“The Horrible Dr. Bones” is another Full Moon pictures production. The director was one of the directors involved in “The Dungeonmaster” which pretty much means that we can expect nothing short of pure cheese. Cheese can satisfy sometimes, but it also can lead to experiences like “Shrunken Heads” or anything Charles Band is involved with. We won’t know how this one will play out until we attack it head on. So, let’s do this. It has a wonderfully short seventy minute run time, so, at least that will help.

[...]

[THE DVD I ORDERED DOESN’T WORK.]

Starkwell: Probably for the best.

Lovelock: Thank you, Universe.

[...]

Zero thumbs up. Too bad the ‘I don’t remember where I bought this’ store has a no return policy.

Forest Of The Dead.

2015-03-04T16:38:00.001-05:00

So the film is a cheap Canadian horror film. The DVD, once you hit “play movie” it opens up with the cheapest looking, shot on VHS (EVEN THOUGH IT’S 2007), footage of the director, Brian Singleton, talking about the movie in an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt, chest flowing in the breeze, while “drinking” from what looks to be a “brown-bagged” bottle of… champagne? Apple cider? I think we might need something stronger to get through this.

[...]

[After the opening credits, shots of car driving, worst “pop punk” music ever plays.]

Starkwell: Why is always a bad “pop punk” song?

Lovelock: Probably because it’s always like “director’s brother’s shitty band”.

Starkwell: Good call.

[...]

The movie is CLEALY just a movie made by a bunch of dudes for fun while on summer vacation. It’s bad, but I could see maybe it would be fun to watch if you know the people in the movie. To be totally fair, for what is clearly a no-budget movie shot by a bunch of friends, it’s alright I guess. Bad writing, bad jokes, and no acting at all… but somehow Lovelock and Starkwell haven’t set fire to the TV yet… granted, it’s early. The guys talking in the fake Quebec accents are REALLY bad. Really fucking bad. I would expect more from actual Canadians. They're probably from Toronto.

[...]

[Blonde girl is wearing an Expos shirt.]

Starkwell: Let’s go Expos!

Lovelock: I’m pretty sure the redneck mechanic was quoting “Fletch” just now…

[...]

The premise is pretty straightforward. A group of teens go camping at an old campsite that is closed down and rumored to be haunted, and bad shit happens. The problem is, it is taking a really long time to get going. Also the novelty of this being backyard horror made by a bunch of dumb kids from Ontario is wearing off, and now everyone is getting crazy bored.

[...]

Lovelock: At least they haven’t played any more of that shitty “my friend’s band” music.

[...]

Then randomly the girl walks in on her boyfriend, one of the Quebec dudes, and he’s in his sleeping bag naked with the other Quebec dude? Because, people from Quebec are gay? At this point the movie lost Starkwell. He got up, said something about being too old for this shit, and ran out of the room, top speed. Just then, the movie shifted, and people finally started dying.

[...]

Lovelock: Why would kids from Quebec be drinking moonshine?

[...]

Then the group’s friends show up. Basically a second group of shitty non-actors. It’s like the movie has started over. This second group is as obnoxious as the first. Equally unfunny. I think the best shot in the movie so far was one where the “afro” guy was “taking a leak”… but when he turned his head, you could see that he was just squeezing a Gatorade bottle. Makes me think that they couldn’t afford a second bottle of Gatorade, so they were like “I think we got it”.

[...]

Lovelock: The nerd guy’s vest is different in every scene.

[...]

Lovelock: These woods look like the same ones that Fred Penner shot his show in.

[...]

Seriously, what ever happened to that guy? Also, what ever happened to Raffi?

[...]

Lovelock: If it’s an abandoned campground why would there be an old basketball court… in an abandoned parking lot… next to a highway? Wait they have a rock climbing wall?

[...]

Fred Penner had an album in 2008? Crazy. And Raffi has been upto some seriously rad shit. Amazing. Also he had a new album this year? Oh also, the movie still sucks. Nothing has happened for the last half hour.

[...]

[Zombies rip nerd guy in half and eat his intestines.]

Lovelock: I mean, it looked awful, but ‘A’ for effort.

[In the next shot, his vest is different again.]

[...]

Lovelock: If you are alone, being chased by zombies, and you wander into and old farmhouse, and you stumble upon a piano… WHY WOULD YOU HIT ONE OF THE KEYS?

[...]

In the end everyone dies. And then there are ten minutes of ending credits and bloopers. The guys who made this obviously love movies and each other, even if they themselves are terrible at writing and maybe even editing, and none of them can act. And their friend’s band sucks. They’re not half bad at gore though. The effects are obviously cheap, but a lot of fun and pretty bloody. They shouldn’t have wasted so much time setting up story. If it just been full of a lot more of the gags that were all over the last twenty minutes, this might have actual been enjoyable.

BURT MALONE LETTERS: Zombies All Over the Small Screen.

2015-02-27T22:42:00.002-05:00

He’s already once expressed his love for the wildly popular “The Walking Dead”, while simultaneously hating on how popular zombies have become. It was only a matter of time before he started checking out some of the other shows that have popped up in the wake of the AMC show's success.

[...]

Well hello again, good sir.

I’ve been kind of going crazy with the binge watching of late, and I stumbled upon a couple of real gems. And some turds, obviously.

I started up with the somewhat slowly paced “The Returned”, a French show based on the film “They Came Back”, or “Les Revenants”.

The show starts slow, and keeps that pace mostly throughout the eight episodes that I watched. Much like the film, it has a very serious tone, is totally weird and confusing, and at the same time, kind of scares the BAJEBUS out of me.

Unlike the film, the show starts off focused on a bus load of children that flew off a cliff suddenly coming back a year later as if nothing happened.

AND THE PARENTS FLIP THE FUCK OUT.

It’s eerie, it’s cool, and Mogwai did the soundtrack. And Mogwai kicks fucking ass and helps create mega tension.

Like in the film, the undead essentially try to resume their lives, unaware, seemingly, that they died. But there’s all sorts of mysterious shit going on and we are trying to figure out what the deal is. Super cool. I can’t wait to see the second season. Good, and complicated, characters. Great dialogue and acting. More television needs to be like this.

Which brings me to the somewhat unnecessary American version of “Les Revenants” called “Resurrection”. I can’t say it’s bad, actually. At least it’s SORT OF doing its own thing. It’s not like when “Quarantine” came out as a nearly identical, but just in English, version of “REC”. I haven’t seen enough of it to really pass any judgment. It got picked up for a second season, which doesn’t NECESSARILY mean anything, but it does mean they got to develop the story further. Which is always a good thing. Not sure if the third season is coming or not.

Next up, in an attempt to liven things up, I went for the tragically short-lived MTV show “Death Valley”.

I can see why this show didn’t make it on a network aimed at people who watch shows about teen moms, people falling on their testicles, and other such dumb shit. Most MTV shows that aren’t reality TV are on par, creatively speaking, with most Disney Channel shows.

“Death Valley” was gory, ACTUALLY FUNNY, and in a way, fairly original. Which makes it a strange offering for MTV. Shot mockumentary style, and following a police department in charge of taking care of werewolves, zombies and vampires, I found myself digging the characters immediately. Well-paced, well written, and a lot of fun… obviously, it was cancelled after one season. Had the show been on a network like FX, or even something like Showtime, AMC or HBO, the series’ fate might have been radically different.

Which brings me to the VIOLENTLY unfunny, unoriginal and unnecessary ScyFy Channel original, “Z Nation”. It’s a production from “The Asylum”, so honestly, I don’t even need to watch a single episode to know that it is a complete piece of shit - a lame mockbuster cash grab attempt to ride the zombie wave. But, I felt I should watch at least one episode. All of my suspicions were more than correct. In short, the show should be called “ZZZZZzzzzzz Nation”. Because it’s boring. So boring.

And yet, I could totally see it going on for a couple of years. Because somehow shit like this gets watched. Somewhere out there are idiots thinking "man, can't wait for the new season of Z Nation". And then they take a selfie and talk about how good "The Big Bang Theory" is. Brutal.

Next up on my marathon of binge watching was a BBC show called “In the Flesh”.

HOLY SHIT. The zombie apocalypse is over, and the government are rehabilitating the “used to be” zombies of the world. The doctors call the formerly dead “partially deceased syndrome sufferer”. It’s not that no one has tackled the idea of “what if the zombies stopped being zombies” or “what if there WAS a cure”, but in a way, kind of nobody has. At least not with the serious tone of this show. Within five minutes I can tell that I am not going to want to stop watching this one.

Way recommeneded. I’m glad I watched this after “Z Nation” because, quite honestly, I thought nothing would ever clean my brain of that depressingly bad show.

After all of this, and ending on a zombie show high note, I decided to take it up another notch and settle nicely into binge watching a ‘not actually a zombie show, but it has zombies in it, technically’, known as “Game Of Thrones”, anxiously looking forward to any scene with the ‘White Walkers’, who are, basically, MEDIEVAL ZOMBIES FUCK YEAH.

And there are dragons.

Also, all of the wonderful female nudity is pretty nice.

[...]

He can complain all he wants about the zombie’s surge in popularity, but from the sound of it, even he agrees that it has lead to some rather good television… definitely more interesting than all the vampire crap out there in the wake of “Twilight”. Except "Z Nation" which sounds worse than it sounds. Anyways, here’s hoping that it takes at least a couple more years before we get a zombie sitcom starring Zooey Deschanel or some shit.

WHO’S THAT ZOMBIEeeeeEeeeeeee…

Ugh.

Frightmare.

2015-01-26T13:31:00.002-05:00

Lovelock and Starkwell don’t have that much experience with Troma, but what exposure they have had has not left them hopeful that anything with Troma attached to it is going to be all that satisfying. This one is actually one that WASN’T Troma originally, they just picked up the rights to release it on DVD. So, that gives us hope to the two who, let’s be honest, don’t want to have to sit through another “Poultrygeist”. Troma’s not all bad. But it sure ain’t all good. Alright. Come on. Horror star!

[...]

[DVD has some opening introduction with Lloyd Kaufman. It’s like a hundred million minutes long.]

Lovelock: No. NO! Start the movie.

Starkwell: Why is this so long?

[Honestly, we almost lost them before the fucking movie started. Classic Troma.]

[...]

The story seems to revolve around an old actor, a Vincent Price / Bela Lugosi type of guy that I will, from here on out refer to as, Draculactor. In the opening scene he straight up murders a director that he has a disagreement with. Then they show him at some kind of “Inside the Actor’s Studio” type of deal and he passes out. Some girl does mouth to mouth on him and revives. Then he goes home and some fat guy tries to kill him but LOOK OUT Draculactor kills fat guy instead.

[...]

Lovelock: I’m starting to think he just faked passing out so some young student would do mouth to mouth on him.

Starkwell: He is remarkably spry when he wants to be.

[...]

After killing the fat guy Draculactor gets out of bed, plays his organ and then… climbs into a coffin, closes it, and apparently dies. Lovelock and Starkwell are looking a little shocked and confused, and someone said “dude knows how to make an exit”. He also filmed his own farewell and it was shown at his funeral. Anyways, then some eighties punks, big fans of his work I guess, break into his tomb and steal his body.

[...]

Lovelock: Is this basically “Weekend at Bernies”?

Starkwell: I have a feeling something is gonna revive him.

Lovelock: So it’s “Weekend at Bernies 2”?

Starkwell: If that helps you.

Lovelock: It doesn’t.

Starkwell: It’s actually feeling more to me like “Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things”.

Lovelock: I slept through that.

Starkwell: And yet you remember both "Bernie" movies.

[...]

The movie is boring. But eventually after a cheesy séance and some loud sound effects that washed out most of the dialogue, it appears that Draculactor is back from the dead and killing the punks with all of his telekinetic abilities. Admittedly, at this point, the movie starts being a bit more fun. One highlight, for example, was when Draculactor stared at a woman in a bathrobe and made her burst into flames, at which point, I believe Lovelock said “burn baby burn”. Unfortunately, it doesn’t offer all that much else, and gets boring again real fast. Eventually Draculactor kills everyone, even his widow when she comes to visit his tomb.

[...]

[The movie ends with Draculactor talking to the screen / the audience about how Hell isn’t that bad.]

Lovelock: Wait, what?

Horror Rises From The Tomb.

2014-12-14T13:47:00.001-05:00

“Vengeance of the Zombies” was a film released the same year as what we are about to watch. “Vengeance” was also written by, and starring, PAUL NASCHY. “Vengeance” was a buttload of stupid fun. So, in conclusion, this should be fantastic. Gentleman, start your engines. NASCHY!

[...]

[DVD goes PLAY MOVIE and we are treated to a NASCHY introduction to the movie, wherein he is holding an axe.]

Lovelock: Do we even need to watch this? I feel like it won’t live up to how awesome it already is in my mind.

Starkwell: It definitely will not live up to that.

[...]

As is always the case with these Spanish films, the costumes are out of control awesome. Naschy is wearing a bad ass cape, and appears to be some sort of vampire, in the olden times. He is about to be decapitated, along with his insanely hot woman who is, obviously, nearly showing all of her boobies in her insane dress.

[...]

[Naschy is beheaded, and his woman is hung naked, obviously, upside down and is bled to death.]

Starkwell: The Spaniards certainly like to cut into a naked bare boob.

Lovelock: Meanwhile the scar faced knight watching all of this happen… ALSO PLAYED BY NASCHY.

Starkwell: I feel a Klumps joke coming along.

Lovelock: I was gonna go the Martin Lawrence route.

Starkwell: Sweet beheading, by the way.

[...]

[Cut to the present day (1973), and a dashing, cleaned up, suit-wearing Naschy is in an artist’s apartment watching him paint.]

Lovelock: Seven minutes into the film and he has already played THREE characters.

Starkwell: I think that might actually be the same character as the beginning, I think he’s immortal.

Lovelock: Or… BACK FROM THE DEAD. Whoomp. There it is.

[It's neither.]

[...]

Then there’s a really cheesy scene where the characters all go to a séance, and the old lady medium talks to Dead Naschy from the past. There are just so many Naschys at this point, it is quite hard to keep up. Then the Painter finishes his painting, and it turns out he has painted a headless Naschy holding his head (strangely he doesn't seem to think, hey that looks a lot like my friend). Then he sees a floating Naschy head above his painting, bleeding and laughing at him.

[...]

Lovelock: Which Naschy is which? Why did they make him play the knight too?

Starkwell: Irresponsible.

[...]

[Naschy fights off some car jackers.]

Lovelock: Paul Naschy: Man of Action.

Starkwell: So, wait, the gang is going to the old Naschy castle where the original Vampire Naschy was killed and buried?

Lovelock: Paul Naschy: Man of Naschy.

Starkwell: I’m really confused.

Lovelock: Naschy?

[...]

Ok, so I guess they are digging around the property looking for treasure. I can only assume that they’ll find NASCHY HEAD.

[...]

[So one of the gardeners opens the treasure chest they found and whatever he sees possesses him, and he turns around and kills some dudes.]

Lovelock: Oh man, you just know there’s a sweet fucking Naschy head in that chest!

Starkwell: I guess.

Lovelock: Totally where “Pulp Fiction” got all of its ideas.

Starkwell: Wait, what?

[...]

The possessed guy goes around the castle killing scantily clad girls who have been left totally unattended, by Naschy and other men, in a castle that has a mysterious murderer lurking about. The director makes sure to show boobs when he can and, just for good measure, there is another “someone cuts into a bare breast” scene… BLIND DEAD STYLE. Apparently all of this murder has made the Naschy horny, because he immediately cheats on his woman with the other random servant woman that he has known since SHE was a child. Stay classy, Naschy.

[...]

[Painter hooks up with his now possessed blonde idiot girlfriend, and now he is possessed. He goes after Naschy’s woman.]

Lovelock: She’s probably better off dead than with Naschy.

[Meanwhile Naschy goes back to the other woman… probably for a round two.]

Starkwell: Wow. Tells his woman to keep cooking, then goes off to bone the young girl.

Lovelock: After throwing dead bodies in a lake.

[We finally see Naschy’s undead head in the treasure chest.]

Lovelock: NAILED IT.

[...]

The possessed gang go on to put Naschy’s head back onto his body, and he gets up and WALKS. Next, the plan seems to be to shove his woman’s spirit into the Current Naschy’s woman.

[...]

[They put Current Woman into the coffin that the old skeleton of Vampire Naschy’s original woman is in… But first they obviously need to cut off all of her clothes and grope her while showing full bush.]

Starkwell: Every time.

Lovelock: Paul Naschy: Pervert.

[...]

Naschy grabs another feel or two of dem boobies before he stabs her. Then, with a hand full of bloodnad her boobies, he fondles her some more. Next thing you know Original Naschy woman is back! Current Naschy Woman has vanished.

[...]

[The possessed gang is to become food for the undead.]

Starkwell: This is working out well for both Naschys.

[...]

Undead Woman goes into town naked and walks into a random dude’s room and seduces him and kills him and, I guess, eats him. But not before Boobs, Bush, and some unfortunate dude ass and balls.

[...]

[Naschy seduces a random girl in her room in the village.]

Starkwell: I could buy that if a dude turns his head and sees a naked woman, he might be like “LET’S DO THIS”… but are we to believe that a woman would see a fully clothed and caped BEARDED Naschy standing in the corner of her room, hiding behind a curtain, and would STRIP, GET ON THE BED, and begin fondling herself?

Lovelock: Woman want him, men want to be him.

Starkwell: I guess.

Lovelock: Either that or it was REALLY easy to get chicks In Spain in the seventies.

Starkwell: Right… it couldn’t possibly be that the dudes making this movie were perverts.

[...]

Basically Vampire Naschy has the world’s most powerful bedroom eyes. One look and the ladies are like “do me yo-yo master”. Then… all of the dead people emerge from the swamp and come back to the castle.

[...]

Lovelock: Say what you will about anything else, but those are some seriously sweet looking zombies.

Starkwell: Meanwhile Naschy hasn’t even really noticed that his lady is no longer around.

Lovelock: Because he has a new lady… DUH.

[...]

Possessed painter shoots Naschy dead. He then tries to kill Naschy’s New Lady, but the necklace she is wearing frees him from the possession. There’s a pretty sweet gore scene of Vampire Lady ripping a dude’s heart out. Eventually everyone except the one girl die and she uses the necklace to kill Vampire Naschy, but not before a few more boobs are exposed and groped.

[...]

[Girl throws the necklace into the lake.]

Starkwell: Wouldn’t that be a necklace to keep, you know, in case?

[...]

The end.

Zombie Cop.

2014-11-14T21:42:00.005-05:00

I won’t lie, I’m pretty psyched to watch this one with Lovelock and Starkwell. J.R. Bookwalter was the man behind “Dead Next Door”, which was a pretty fantastic, while still being completely fucking terrible, backyard horror film. Starkwell wasn’t able to get through the whole thing, while Lovelock couldn’t help but marvel at the gore and ridiculousness. Let’s see where his follow up falls. I should mention, let’s see where his ZOMBIE follow up falls. Because his actual follow up to “Dead Next Door” was a movie called “Robot Ninja”, which I think we all can agree is probably amazing...ly bad.

[...]

[Definitely a shot on video film. The intro is just squiggly lines that look like a Windows ’95 Screen Saver.]

Lovelock: Music by “Porn Music Guy from the Early Nineties”.

Starkwell: Shot in beautiful 4:3 on VHS Camcorders.

[The director used a different name for the Director slot. Not starting off well.]

Lovelock: Lance Randas? Between that and the music... Are we sure this isn’t porno?

[...]

[Some “voodoo” priest cuts his arm with some special effects that would embarrass magicians at childrens’ birthday parties.]

Lovelock: So many closeups… of teeth.

Starkwell: If every scene is as unnecessarily long as this one, we are in for some real-

Lovelock: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

[...]

Anyways, two cops show up to apprehend Voodoo Priest, and after some terrible acting, one of the cops AND the Voodoo Priest both die in a shootout. Arguably the lamest shootout ever.

[...]

Starkwell: So the voodoo priest would have pictures of zombies that he printed out on computer paper hung on his wall?

Lovelock: And movie posters?

Starkwell: And he has a subscription to Playboy?

Lovelock: Vood priest named "Death", keeping it real classy.

Starkwell: The ladies must love his pad.

[...]

Anyways, then we are treated to a half decent “Zombie Cop rises out of his grave” sequence. After some more of the shittiest acting I’ve ever seen, the basic plot is that the “Zombie Cop” wants to recruit his former partner in an attempt to stop Zombie Voodoo Priest Guy from taking over the world?

[...]

[Zombie Cop hits the town looking for information.]

Lovelock: Those two “punks” are easily the lamest looking thugs in the history of cinema.

Starkwell: What the... Ok, I’m out.

[...]

Starkwell walked out because the actor portraying the “INDIAN” convenience store owner was a white guy with brown paint all over his face. With a towel on his head. An actual towel. It is the most racist thing I think I’ve ever seen in a movie. I honestly wish I was joking. Then one of the thugs called him “towelhead”. There are also SO MANY forced horrible one-liners. This movie is embarrassing.

[...]

Lovelock: At least “Dead Next Door” had blood and guts.

[...]

Lovelock: So the cop also has movie posters on his wall?

[...]

Lovelock: Did that guy just tell the cop to stick his badge “up the rear”?

[...]

It gets worse. There’s another scene with the fake Indian guy. This time they didn’t even paint his face brown. But he does have a bunch of dialogue wherein he speaks in an insanely offensive accent. Also, he says his name and his name is all “gibberish” and super long. Then there’s a shot of a guy watching “Robot Ninja”. Bookwalter gives HIMSELF a shout out. Man, fuck J.R. Bookwalter.

[...]

Lovelock: The kids playing on that soccer field look really confused as to why there are people with camcorders filming a really shitty and slow chase between a guy in a cop outfit and a guy in a Jamaican outfit.

[...]

You know what else is bad in this movie? The editing. The music. The writing. The everything. Just a well-rounded painful turd. The end. And by the way, the last scene is another scene starring racism.

Maniac Cop 2.

2014-10-24T07:11:00.002-04:00

Another Lustig movie about a vigilante… I definitely know that Lovelock and Starkwell head into this one with the expectation bar at least somewhat raised. They enjoyed the first installment, and they definitely like some of writer Larry Cohen’s other endeavors, such as “The Stuff”. While they found “Uncle Sam” to be a bit of a stinker (I mean, how many times can you re-brand the same movie), this one came in well before that, so maybe it won't feel quite so tired. Also, I mean, come on, Bruce Campbell is in it. So, yeah.

[...]

[Bruce Campbell fights Maniac Cop.]

Starkwell: I always thought Campbell was kind of a Streisand, but he’s rocking the shit in this one.

Lovelock: Wait what?

[Maniac Cop drives a truck off a pier with Campbell hanging onto the side of the truck.]

Lovelock: WOAH! STUNTS!

Starkwell: I miss watching movies where you get to spot the stunt doubles. Nice wig!

[...]

If you haven’t seen the first one, all you really need to know is that Maniac Cop is a vigilante zombie cop who just don’t know when to quit. Something tells me that, although he just took a huge pipe through the chest, he’s coming back. The something telling me that, is that this is called “Maniac Cop 2” and we are only two minutes into the film.

[...]

[Maniac Cop stops an armed robbery, but kills the clerk and gives the gun back to the perp.]

Lovelock: I don’t get it.

Starkwell: What’s with all the smoke?

Lovelock: Will there be a story in this movie, or… ?

[...]

Bruce Campbell and Blondie are arguing with the police commissioner about whether or not the Maniac Cop really is the undead dude they think it is. Blondie starts FREAKING OUT. Then five minutes later they kill Campbell and the guys are all “DA FUCK”.

[...]

Starkwell: Is it really necessary to focus on the dead naked girl’s boobs for so long at the morgue? They’re there to identify Bruce Campbell’s body…

Lovelock: I’ll allow it.

Starkwell: Dude, weak.

[...]

There doesn’t seem to be any real method to Maniac Cop’s madness. I mean I get that he killed Bruce Campbell, but the guy in the corner store? Now a cop towing away some douchebag’s car? What the shit?

[...]

[Maniac Cop throws Blondie through a window and then she goes after him with a chainsaw.]

Starkwell: What does she expect to do with that?

Lovleock: I don’t know but she has some seriously crimped hair.

[Maniac Cop immediately breaks her neck.]

Lovelock: Hashtag chainsaw fail.

Starkwell: Never again, please.

[...]

Then the Police Psychologist Woman, handcuffed to a car’s steering wheel goes flying down the highway… on the outside of the car. Say what you will about the movie, but there are some pretty righteous car stunts littered throughout.

[...]

[Strip club scene.]

Starkwell: Why is this scene so long? Why are the strip club scenes always so long?

Lovelock: Like you don't know. More important is, who is this fucking guy they are focusing on?

[This movie is developing a side story now, even though the main story is barely developed.]

[...]

So the guy at the strip club is a Serial Killer who’s been killing strippers. As he is about to kill another stripper in her apartment, Maniac Cop show up, throws the girl into a wall and saves the Serial Killer from the police. Seriously, what the fuck, they become buddies and plan to kill together?

[...]

Lovelock: I feel like the theme from “Perfect Strangers” should start playing, at this point.

[...]

Then there is a flashback to how Maniac Cop died in prison, and for whatever reason, it just had to be in “stabbed while naked in the showers by some shirtless inmates”. So we get plenty of Robert Z’Dar ass shots and some almost side peen. Why did it have to be in the shower? And why were the prison showers so dark, open and cavernous?

[...]

[The cops go around to some neighboring strip clubs to look for the guy. They find him at the first strip club they go to.]

Starkwell: How convenient.

Lovelock: How did this guy manage to kill so many strippers and get away with it if he is so dumb? FUuuUUCK the cops in this movie’s universe are inept.

[...]

Then Maniac Cop goes to the police station and kills basically everybody and frees his Serial Killer Buddy. It’s a fair amount of bullet action and gore, but I still don’t really see what his end game is, other than killing everyone that potentially put him behind bars in the first place. Also random people.

[...]

[Maniac Cop and Serial Killer steal a prison bus and break into prison… ?]

Starkwell: So, no one reported that the prison bus was stolen and that MAYBE the prison souldn’t let the bus in?

Lovelock: Remember what I said about the cops in this universe?

[So I guess he is going after the people that shower-shanked him in prison.]

[...]

After a pretty sweet fire stunt, Maniac Cop kills his killers and flies out the window down a bunch of flights into a bus, which then explodes. It’s THE DEFINITION OF BLAZE OF GLORY. The story may have lacked some imagination, and had a whole slew of useless bits, like the Serial Killer Guy (why was he even in this?), but man, the action and stunts were tight. Can’t wait to show them part 3.

Diary Of The Dead.

2014-10-07T09:02:00.001-04:00

People like to crap all over the second Romero dead trilogy, but I honestly thought “Land of the Dead” was good. There’s something comforting about a zombie film made by Romero. It’s like listening to an old favorite band that is sort of phoning it in, but I mean, come on, they’re still fun. Unfortunately, this usually is the beginning of the end for a band/director, and eventually they start sounding/looking like the people originally imitating them. Like when Weezer starts sounding like a Weezer cover band. Or when Romero makes “Diary of the Dead”, basically. But at least at that point they haven’t totally gone off the fucking deep end, hit rock bottom, and made “Survival of the Dead”. I'll save that complete fucking turd for another day… of the dead.

[...]

[Intro, FOUND FOOTAGE style.]

Starkwell: Proof that even the greats succumb to shitty fads.

Lovelock: So Romero saw "REC" and was like, hey didn’t I kind of make that? No? Okay, maybe I should?

[The acting looks like, well, it won’t be very good.]

Starkwell: “Land” had a decent cast, I guess this one… doesn’t?

[...]

Now we get the intro of the “FILM WITHIN A FILM” called “The Death of a Dream”… Basically people were making horror film, and eventually zombies rolled in, and so they kept rolling. AND THEN some annoying girl took all of this footage and edited together this “Death of a Dream” movie… about the outbreak. So I guess the zombie outbreak ended and she had time to edit this, narrate it, add music and… show it to all of us? I don’t get it.

[...]

[FIRST PERSON VIEW going through dark and scary empty dorms.]

Starkwell: Definitely has a video game kind of feel.

Lovelock: Complete with “First Resident Evil's live action scenes” level of acting and dialogue.

Starkwell: So who's the master of unlocking?

[Groan.]

[...]

Then the main girl Deb says she wants to go home to Scranton, Pennsylvania. Then, rather than listening to the shit dialogue, Starkwell and Lovelock started talking about “The Office”. The ‘gang’ are driving in some sort of RV. They see their first zombies and run them over, pretty nonchalantly. Then, after, they all freak out?

[...]

[They pull over, and the girl that was driving blows her own brains out.]

Starkwell: That seemed a bit… sudden. Kind of an overreaction...

Lovelock: I don’t think ANYONE would react that severely, even if they were real people.

[They go to a hospital, because she still has a pulse.]

Lovelock: She can't drive, OR blow her own brains out?

Starkwell: So what they were driving along the highway and they just happened to be right next to a hospital, right as the driver shot herself in the face?

Lovelock: SWISS CHEESE PLOT.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock are really having problems with this one. On the bright side, the zombies look great (one thing Romero always gets right), and there are some decent scares her in the hospital. There are some CG effects in the mix and they aren’t great, though.

[...]

Starkwell: HOLY BALLS THE DIALOG IS BAD.

[...]

Romero is clearly trying to make a point that in this age of information, too many people are filming, there are eyes everywhere, no one is living, people want to see life filtered through a camera, through TV, and through BLABLABLA… to be honest he is FULLY beating his point to DEATH, unnecessarily so, and on top of that, it feels like he is trying to say more than one thing (?). He could have focused more on action and building characters and been more subtle about his point(s). We are the walking dead, yeah I get it.

[...]

[They meet a deaf Amish farmer and use his barn to fix their RV.]

Lovelock: Good thing the Dumb Blonde knows how to fix the… fuel line?

Starkwell: This is some gang they’ve put together.

[Zombies close in on them.]

Lovelock: He’s not doing a very good job at building tension. I honestly don’t feel worried at all.

Starkwell: To be fair, that’s mostly because you don’t give a shit about the characters.

[...]

Then the Amish guy dies almost immediately, making him as pointless as all of the rest of the characters in this movie. Then they meet some black dudes… ‘gangstas’ I guess. THEN THEY SHOW MAIN CHARACTER JASON and THE NERD GUY EDITING THE MOVIE. Scenes we’ve already seen. The movie within the movie within the movie within the movie? I don’t know how many levels down we’re diving. But I’m pretty sure we’re swimming in the deep end. Of a pool of shit.

[...]

[Zombie takes a bottle of hydrochloric acid to the head and it slowly melts.]

Lovelock: Probably sounded better on paper. Because fucknuts that looked bad.

[...]

Really just feels like a movie written by an old out of touch guy. I guess it was. And by the way, the old professor in the gang has a fucking bow and arrow now. The gang now goes to their rich friend’s house, but he’s gone crazy after killing his whole family after they done gone zombie. It’s a super long and dragged out scene that doesn’t really go anywhere until he goes zombie too.

[...]

[Main character films zombie running after Blondie, and, doesn’t help her.]

Starkwell: This movie is dumb.

Lovelock: At least we got to see dem boobies.

[...]

Anyways, the main character dies and the movie ends, after some more cheesy dialog asking whether we, as a species, are worth saving. Ugh. I'm surprised that Lovelock didn't say "diarrhea the dead' at some point... Seems like a missed opportunity.

Dead Within.

2014-09-30T11:56:00.000-04:00

This movie has five people listed as cast members. There are four people listed as writers. There are two people I know, that are very much not excited to watch a movie about a few people stuck in a cabin, hiding from zombies that, as far as I can tell from the interwebz, we will never see. Let’s go already. At least it’s only an hour and twenty minutes long.

[...]

[Credits open with aerial shots of landscapes and cities.]

Starkwell: I hope they didn’t pay too much for that stock footage.

Lovelock: Or for the helicopter ride.

Starkwell: The pilot was like “hey stop filming”.

[...]

Four friends, composed of two couples, hang out in their cabin, and there’s a baby. It cuts from them celebrating to DARK and SCARY clearly after the outbreak. There are people asking to be let in to their cabin, they don’t let them in. Zombies eat the people outside.

[...]

Starkwell: Kind of shitty that they didn’t even think about letting them in, and now they’re just listening to zombies kill them.

Lovelock: And why do the zombies sound like dinosaurs from “Jurassic Park”?

Starkwell: You know, other movies have incorporated dinosaurs…

Lovelock: That’s my go-to for dinosaur sounds.

Starkwell: Also, why didn’t the people just try and break down the door?

Lovelock: Hold on to your butts.

[...]

The director does a fare job at creating tension, but it’s really slow. It’s moving at a snail’s pace. Every now and again, there are flashes of one of them killing their friends after they, obviously, must have become zombies. Where’s the baby at? Also, I guess since they don’t want to attract zombies, they whisper, mostly.

[...]

Starkwell: I guess the zombies mostly come at night?

Lovelock: Mostly.

[...]

The guy goes out on errand runs, but they don’t ever show that since that would take an actual budget, and more than two actors. There are two actors in this movie, holy shit. TWO. And mostly it's just the girl being crazy alone in the cabin. Like that Robert Redford movie, except not on a boat, and not Robert Redford. And nothing happens even though there are ZOMBIES.

[...]

[The two share a cigarette and some synth music plays. And then MONTAGE of them living in the cabin, surviving.]

Starkwell: So… this movie could have only been twenty minutes?

Lovelock: Try five. SOMETHING HAPPEN.

[...]

I get it, it’s intense being cooped up in a cabin, having nothing to think about but how you killed your best friends and your baby. BUT DON’T MAKE A NINETY MINUTE MOVIE ABOUT IT.

[...]

[The girl starts going kind of crazy.]

Lovelock: That’s it, lady… wash the clean dishes again.

Starkwell: More like, that’s it, MOVIE. Show it again forever.

[...]

The troops are getting restless. The actors are quite good, actually. And it’s well directed and nicely shot. But FUUUUUCK nothing is happening.

[...]

[The guy never comes back from his latest errand run.]

Starkwell: So, something happened, we just don’t get to see it... or?

[Girl has fucking CRAZY NIGHTMARES. And then the front door starts bleeding… or at least it does in her mind.]

Lovelock: Well, at least we get to see that.

Starkwell: I appreciate that it’s more about her descent into madness than the zombie outbreak itself, but I’d like some kind of action… otherwise it needn’t take this long.

[He has a point - feels like a short stretched to a full.]

[...]

Near the end, we do finally get to see some zombies as they finally breach the cabin and the girl fights for her life. Lovelock and Starkwell sat quietly on the edge of their seats. For all the complaining about nothing happening, they certainly seemed gripped at the moment. Definitely a slow burn kind of movie. Takes a while to get there, but when it does, it makes you feel fairly uneasy as shit falls apart around the main character girl. And she falls apart too.

[...]

[Guy comes back but she doesn’t let him in, because he can’t remember the secret knock.]

Starkwell: Woah.

[He tries to bust in with an axe, she cuts off some of his fingers with some branch cutters.]

Lovelock: Woah, gore!

[She knocks him out with a baseball bat and ties him to a chair.]

Starkwell: So… is he a… zombie?

[It becomes clear that he is not a zombie, and that the bitch is NUTS and maybe a zombie.]

Lovelock: Bitches be crazy.

[...]

What an emotional roller coaster. She stabs him in the chest. She sees black zombie blood, but I think it’s all in her mind? We see red blood. A bizarre ending to a bizarre little movie. TWIST! Her blood is black! She’s the homicidal crazy rabid zombie!

Kill Zombie.

2014-09-25T12:14:00.005-04:00

A Dutch comedy zombie film, originally titled “ZOMBIBI”, this film will almost certainly be cookie cutter and forgettable. But then again, how often do you get to see a cookie cutter zombie comedy film made by the Dutch?

[...]

[We are introduced to Aziz, a dude who works in an office with his dream girl.]

Lovelock: Subtitles!?!?!?

[He gets fired, mostly because his party boy brother keeps calling him at the office.]

Starkwell: Why do they keep saying “what the fuck man”?

Lovelock: How many languages are being spoken here? Sounds like eighteen.

Starkwell: How many do you understand?

Lovelock: None.

Starkwell: You know the subtitles are in English, right?

[Two black dudes get in a fight with Aziz and his brother and they all wind up in jail.]

Starkwell: Did he say “poop in your neck”?

Lovelock: I think that’s Craig Robinson in the Lakers jersey.

Starkwell: I think that might be racist.

[...]

So the two brothers, the two black dudes, a random other guy that was also in prison, and a sexy cop girl end up hauled up in the police station watching the news. They find out that a Russian satellite crashed down into his (previous) office building and made people go full zombie, and there’s an outbreak all over wherever they are. Meanwhile Aziz is worried about his dream girl, who is apparently stuck in the office building.

[...]

[All of a sudden they are surrounded by zombie cops in the station.]

Starkwell: How exactly did they not see all of those guys before?

Lovelock: How is there a spaceship? It’s a movie, asshole.

[...]

The comedy is not bad, mostly predictable. The zombies look decent enough, and the story is at the very least moving quickly. They did throw in the obligatory “this looks like a Michael Jackson video” reference. Why do all these fucking movies do that? “Thriller”? Really? A slightly dated reference.

[...]

[Montage of the crew arming themselves.]

Starkwell: Might be the most uselessly long montage ever.

Lovelock: At least they’re not using the standard chainsaw-sword-cliché-shit.

Starkwell: Guy with two bowling balls? Admittedly, fairly original.

Lovelock: Seriously though, when is an 'arming oneself' montage ever bad?

Starkwell: Often.

[...]

Both Lovelock and Starkwell appreciate the slow moving zombies, and that the film tries to do at least one or two new things amongst all of the same old tired gags. There is a shout out to “Pulp Fiction” at one point as well, when they accidentally shoot a guy in the back seat with a crossbow. Not as outdated a reference as "Thriller", but still a touch random.

[...]

Lovelock: You shot Marvin in the face!

Starkwell: Are we supposed to know who Ben Saunders is?

Lovelock: We ain’t Nederlander, so, no.

Starkwell: You mean we ain't Dutch?

Lovelock: That too.

[I looked it up… he won the Dutch version of “The Voice”. There's a Dutch version of "The Voice". Adam Levine is probably fucking on it.]

[...]

Everyone, except the cop and Aziz, decide to go rob a bank because, if movies have taught us anything, it is that money is certainly very important in the post apocalyptic landscape. Says Kev sarcastically.

[...]

[Craig “Bowling Ball Hands” Robinson gets bitten, and the random guy from the prison screws them over and leaves with all of the money, and the truck.]

Lovelock: That’s what you get for robbing a bank.

Starkwell: Crime don’t pay.

[...]

Then there’s a drawn out scene of the two dudes trying to kill Craig Robinson, and they literally use everything AND the kitchen sink. It’s a bad joke and the scene goes on for way too long.

[...]

[Fight scene between two guys named the Barachis and a bunch of zombies, and they film it like a fighting video game, complete with energy bars and a voiceover saying shit like “FATALITY” and whatnot.]

Lovelock: Strangely, it isn’t the first move I’ve seen do that.

Starkwell: The first non Kung-Fu movie?

Lovelock: Maybe.

[...]

The Lovelock noticed that an actor in the background hit his head on something (clearly not on purpose) and he made us rewind and watch it over about four times (finding it hilarious that they used that take). It actually was kind of funny, though. So from an actual STORY perspective, it turns out the girl that Aziz wanted to save was a complete whore, so they went all the way to save her but it turns out she called half of the city to come and save her (and bone her... bone her with boner).

[...]

[With the help of a Russian soldier, they put C4 all over the satellite, but Aziz’ brother is bitten. It is sad.]

Lovelock: The C4 is clearly just a bunch of sticks of butter.

[Aziz’ Bro is gonna stick around to detonate the C4, and Aziz gets to kill his boss.]

[...]

On the bright side, they end up saving the world. And Aziz still gets the girl, because he gets the cop, who is RIDICULOUSLY hot. Seriously. The movie ends with a twist where, now, the safe zone is full of vampires, randomly. And it feels as if they want to do a sequel.

[...]

Starkwell: Killed his boss and he got the girl? Living the dream.

Lovelock: Honestly, look at that girl. I need to go to Dutchlandia.

Starkwell: I think you mean the Netherlands.

Lovelock: It’s pronounced Dutch.

Starkwell: What?

Lovelock: NEDERLAND.

Starkwell: You really lost me.

Lovelock: Ned Nederlander.

Starkwell: ...

Lovelock: As you Americans say we shall play for keeps.

[...]

Solid fun little picture. Some unnecessary slow motion here and there, some painfully outdated references (“Thriller”, “Scarface”, “Pulp Fiction”), some predictable lame jokes, but overall, this was pretty enjoyable. Plus they never had to resort to gratuitous boobies etc. (although I'm sure no one would have minded with the main character being as beautiful as she was), which I can respect a lot. Since EVERY cheesy American made movie always throws in some tits and buttz to try and fill the seats. Also, what ever happened to the bank robber guy? Weird.

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner.

2014-09-23T08:18:00.001-04:00

“The Asylum” seems to have a roster of “directors” that it gets to churn out shitty mockbusters and half-assed B Movies on a regular basis. This is this director’s, if I read correctly, second time out for “The Asylum”. The movie opens up immediately with a zombie terrorizing some kind of college house party. Within LESS THAN TEN SECONDS, we get full frontal and backal female nudity. Blonde and Asian bush, attacking a zombie with a dildo while talking about their sex score in the most recent issue of Cosmo. Real classy, and enough to make Starkwell say “nope” immediately and make Lovelock go it alone.

[...]

[After the zombie rampage is over, it cuts and says “28 Days Earlier”.]

Lovelock: Oh man, it’s a real good thing Starkwell wasn’t here to see that. Or… the rest of this. I feel like he would he would have punched the TV about seven times.

[Then there was a cat named Romero and Lovelock fucking screamed.]

[...]

There was a “nerdy” girl main character introduced. Everyone is the worst actor I’ve ever seen. It’s hard to really tell though how they are at acting since most of what the female characters have done is shake their tits and talk about blowjobs or something. Then the nerd girl shows her tits to two nerd guys. Then she meets a zombie? I suppose they’re making fun of “Warm Bodies” but seriously this movie sucks. It basically looks and feels like those Porn Parodies, except without the actual Porn.

[...]

[Nerd Girl gets the nerd fraternity to accept zombie guy into their fraternity so she can be dating a fraternity guy… the zombie.]

Lovelock: So… Also “Revenge of the Nerds”. What is this fucking music? Nope. NO.

[...]

Sometime after the fraternity hazing / zombie and nerd girl dating montage, They showed a sex scene between the nerd girl and the zombie wherein she ripped his penis off and then put it back on. At that point, Lovelock ripped the remote out of my hand and started fast forwarding at TRIPLE SPEED.

[...]

[He basically stopped fast forwarding right at the end, it looks like at some point there was a zombie outbreak, and then somehow the zombie guy wasn’t a zombie anymore, but then he was again, but at the end, he wasn’t and he and nerd girl lived happily ever after. And then everyone else starts making out.]

Lovelock: The worst.

[...]

So, this movie has boobs and nudity. But there are many other ways to see boobs without having to watch the dumbest fucking movie maybe ever. Oh yeah, and the movie ends with a TOPLESS SCENE INVOLVING THE OLD LADY GRANDMA CHARACTER. Worse than you can imagine. Burn my fucking eyes.

The ABCs Of Death.

2014-09-16T11:51:00.001-04:00

The anthology film has seen a dramatic comeback in the lower budget regions of the horror genre in the last few years. No doubt because it is a way for several directors to pool together resources… also it caters to short attention spans and doesn’t require writers/directors to come up with an actual movie’s worth of story time. Lazy? Maybe. If done right, these can be a lot of fun. Think “Creepshow” or the original “Tales from the Crypt”. But then I think “V/H/S” and I get worried. As do Lovelock and Starkwell.

[...]

[You know what the big issue here is already… they see that the movie clocks in at two hours and ten minutes.]

Starkwell: I think we should skip some letters.

Lovelock: Is ‘Z’ for zombie in this case? Can we just go right to there and make this a five minute affair?

Starkwell: Oh God, I hope zombies show up before ‘Z’.

[...]

Can I just say, this movie is fucking insane? I mean REALLY insane. Different concepts, ideas, styles, animated SWITCH to live action, different genres, Hell, even different Languages… There’s a claymation segment for God’s sake… The two sat there looking happy, but like they were also being kicked in the balls. At many points, I thought we would definitely lose Starkwell… FoxLady with tits, aminated shit, dudes jacking off… There eventually were some zombies that showed up in ‘W’ (I'm still surprised they hung on for that many letters...). Clown zombies to be precise. It was a bad segment. But by this time they were totally fucking speechless. The film would get higher marks if it weren’t so damn offensive (unnecessarily so), and basically pointless.

Last Days on Mars.

2014-08-31T13:21:00.000-04:00

The premise behind this one sounds like a cross between “Ghost of Mars” and a more traditional outbreak-style zombie film. The potential is there, but given that I haven’t really heard much about this movie, I have a bad feeling maybe it doesn’t deliver. However, I’ve been wrong before.

[...]

[Two astronauts drive around Mars and shoot the shit.]

Starkwell: Joyriding on Mars. Seems fun.

Lovelock: Not a care in the world, apparently.

[...]

The cast seems very competent - Liev Schreiber, the girl from “Sixth Sense”, the guy who played Casey Jones in the first Turtles movie… We are looking good right now. I think this is not gonna be a stinker! The astronauts are on their last day of their Mars mission, and they seem a bit anxious to get the Hell out.

[...]

[The Russian Dude on the team finds life on Mars, but doesn’t want to share with the team. While out there, the ground beneath him crumbles and he falls into Mars’ core.]

Lovelock: See, that’s what greed brings. Death.

Starkwell: Deep, guy. Very deep.

Lovelock: NOICE! I just noticed that Casey Jones is playing the captain and the captain is Canadian!

[...]

The team gets the go-ahead to try and retrieve the Russian. While on their way back to the site, the Russian’s girlfriend goes totally insane and disappears. Space… madness?

[...]

[Liev Schreiber goes down after him into the hole, he finds LIFE.]

Lovelock: So, he sees creepy fungus growth while having weird hallucinations and decides to CONTINUE DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE?

Starkwell: Can’t become an astronaut if you aren’t brave.

Lovelock: And a lot crazy. Maybe a little dumb too.

[...]

The rest of the crew pulls him back up after he freaks out, and he’s all like “nothing happened down there, I’m fine, whatevs”. Meanwhile, they notice two pairs of footsteps leading away from the hole… presumably the Russian and his girlfriend.

[...]

[Dude lets the Russian back into the ship, and takes off his mask to reveal HE’S A DEMON NOW. Russian Demon drills through the guy’s stomach, with a drill that happened to be lying around.]

Lovelock: He looks like an alien.

Starkwell: Well, he sounds like a velociraptor.

Lovelock: Kills like a dream.

[...]

The crew is trying to figure out what they are. Zombies? Aliens? Demons? I’ll tell you what they are. They’re amazing. “Sixth Sense” woman witnessed it all and she is FREAKING OUT, trying to tell them all that they’re all fucked, basically. Methinks she’s right.

[...]

[Casey Jones is hurt bad, man.]

Starkwell: Just a flesh wound?

Lovelock: The best ones always go too soon. He was a true Canadian hero.

[Right before he dies, he goes a little bonkers and tries to choke a dude.]

Lovelock: KILL IT! KILL IT!

[So, now he dies, and “Sixth Sense” girl restrains him and straps his dead body down to the gurney.]

Starkwell: Smart.

Lovelock: No wonder Jason Schwartzman falls for her.

Starkwell: Wait... the character... ?

Lovelock: Bill Murray too.

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell stayed quiet for the next while, on the edge of their seats, gripped by the SUSPENSE! The surviving astronauts study blood samples from Casey Jones and realize he’s infected by the Mars life shit that they found earlier. Liev Schreiber continues to have his bizarre hallucinations about being stuck in an airlock or something. He goes to explore the ship where they locked in the other zombies. It’s very “Event Horizon” meets “Aliens” meets something something.

[...]

[Liev fights a zombie and is unable to make him stop getting back up.]

Lovelock: They have the technology to on a mission to Mars, but when fighting a zombie, he resorts to beating him with a flashlight?

Starkwell: They probably didn’t expect to be fighting stuff on Mars.

Lovelock: Wait a minute, this is the future. Where are all the phaser guns?

[I hope I'm not the only one who caught that reference.]

[...]

The crew is down to only three members at this point. Liev, Blondie and Coward Guy. Coward Guy takes off with the only good range rover leaving Liev and a possibly infected Blondie in a range rover with not much juice left and dwindling oxygen to fend off the zombies who are closing in fast.

[...]

Lovelock: Why don’t they ever make a happy movie about Mars?

[He says this after Possibly Infected Blondie kills herself in front of Liev… she immediately comes back and goes full rabid, mumbling “KILL ME”.]

Starkwell: This makes “Total Recall” look kind of happy.

Lovelock: Nothing ever happens on Mars.

[I hope I'm not the only one who caught that one as well... Liev kills her, in the head with a rock.]

Lovelock: Works better than the flashlight, doesn’t it?

[...]

The cavalry shows up, but they let Coward Guy, who is now Coward Zombie, onto the ship and they all get deaded. Liev FINALLY kills coward guy with a series of helmet head butts to the face. Still no lasers, but it does the job. Then he throws him into space and sails off into the sunset. Except there is no sunset, and we never get to see if he makes it or not. All in all a fun little picture from a first-time (full length) director.

BURT MALONE LETTERS: Kids' Shows with Zombies in Them.

2014-08-27T08:19:00.000-04:00

Burt just sent me an email out of the blue, complaining about Kids' Shows with zombies in them. This might have to do with the fact that I recently heard Burt Malone is gonna be a father soon. I think he’s frustratingly trying to find something he could watch with his kid other than the standard fare.

[...]

HOLY SHIT Kev, where to start?

First, I tried watching one episode of “My Babysitter’s a Vampire” and it made me throw up all over my own face. The first episode starts and it’s as if I’m supposed to already know who these two fucking knobs are. Saying shit like “newbs” and “spellcaster” and “vampire killing”.

Like all shows about teenagers, the plot revolves around a guy doing what he's gotta do to try to get into girls' pants. He may not know that’s what he’s doing, but that’s what he’s doing. In this case that means bringing her dog back to life. And then one character was like “Harry Potter would be ashamed” and then I’m pretty sure there was a foghorn sound, and then this theme song starts that sounds like a terrible Sugar Ray B-Side, and I stopped watching.

I did however skip forward to the actual “zombie” episode, and it was even worse than I thought it would be. Truth be told, I probably would have liked this show if it were on when I was a kid. That’s not saying much though, because I used to look forward to watching TGIF.

Step by step. Day by day. Moving right along.

I decided to give R.L. Stine’s “The Haunting Hour” a shot, and I must say, this one was much more delightful. It helped that the zombie episode I watched had the kid from “Modern Family” in it. Eventually the kid reanimates a corpse (?), and honestly, the makeup job is sweet, and it’s fairly scary. If my TGIF watching self had seen this, I’d probably have shit my pants.

The story plays out like something in between “Re-Animator”, “Frankenstein” and, well, “Lassie”? One lame thing though, “The Haunting Hour” is only a thirty minute show, which I think might be confusing for children.

Cheeky the zombie likes the Home Shopping Network! And in the end we even get to meet his zombie mom! It’s all fairly cool.

This R.L. Stine show got me thinking about that “Goosebumps” show from twenty years ago. There was a two part ‘living dead’ type episode where all the townspeople are poisoned by some kind of chemical disaster. Part one is slow moving and boring. It picks up a little bit in part two but I can’t help but feel that most kids, if they aren’t too afraid to watch this kind of show, will not have the required attention span to sit through it. Nice to see the Canadian landscapes though. Like in the newer R.L. Stine show, the zombies look pretty sweet, although the “SPECIAL EFFECTS” when the zombies steam/dissolve/die in the sunlight are PISS POOR.

Apparently there’s a movie coming out called “Goosebumps” where Jack Black plays R.L. Stine. So that’s something to… look forward to?

After “Goosebumps” I tried watching “Frankenweenie” but fell asleep eating a sandwich. I mean the plot is like a combination of that FUCKING “Vampire Babysitter” episode I watched and the more enjoyable “Haunting Hour” (this may not be accurate though, I feel asleep very quickly). Why is it that in kid-friendly horror stuff they always bring dogs back to life?

I would like to say, however, that what I saw of “Frankenweenie”, was actually quite good, and the animation kicked fucking ass. I don’t blame the movie for my falling asleep, I blame the genoa salami. Also I ended up having nightmares. Again, not from the movie, probably from the genoa. Stupid nightmare sandwich.

If I follow YOUR scoring style, I'd have to give the babysitter show a 1/4, "Haunting Hour" and "Frankenweenie" a 3/4 and the old "Goosebumps" a 2/4. But since I don't follow YOUR scoring style, I will give the babysitter show a "FUCK YOU", the haunting hour gets a solid "MEH", "Goosebumps" gets the honorary award for "90's haircuts and mom jeans" and "Frankenweenie" gets a Tim Burton.

IN CONCLUSION. I think I’m better off waiting until the kid is older, and just introduce him to real zombie movies right off the bat. How old is old enough to watch Fulci movies? Six? Definitely by seven, right? In the meantime, I’ll just show him Looney Tunes cartoons.

That’s it, I’m actually gonna go watch some cartoons now.

[...]

He should have also watched “Paranorman”, which was actually pretty awesome too. Good luck with the baby Burt Malone. Try and squeeze in some time to write me, from time to time.

Dead Creatures.

2014-08-19T09:38:00.002-04:00

This is one of those zombie movies from the turn of the century that went entirely unnoticed, since, at that time, no one (present company excluded) gave a shit about zombie movies. Especially not ones that were trying to do something a little different. That being said, that it went unnoticed doesn’t necessarily make it bad. So this might be an undiscovered gem. Or it could be undiscovered for a reason. We’ll know soon enough.

[...]

[British guy, acting like a cop takes a teenage punk hostage and seems to be getting ready to torture him.]

Starkwell: If he is a cop, his methods are quite unorthodox.

[Cut to a group of women getting stoned and talking about sex and wieners.]

Lovelock: Thems are some seriously British teeth.

Starkwell: And some pretty serious mom jeans... which seems like even in the early two thousands should have already been out of date.

[Then it cuts to one of the girls feeding some horrible looking bleeding face girl some kind of miscellaneous meat.]

Starkwell: WHAT in the FUCK.

Lovelock: Is any of this gonna be explained?

[Cut to one of the girls ripping off some meat from… HUMAN LIMBS. Like hands and legs.]

Lovelock: I repeat. EXPLANATION?

[So these ladies are all eating human.]

[...]

Then one of the girls mentions that it is starting to smell so she takes a sack filled with what’s left of the dude they were eating and throws it into someone’s backyard. Lovelock and Starkwell are confused and feeling seriously unsettled. Apparently the punk locked up in the cop’s basement has been there a whole week? Insane. There is no real explanation for what is going on, really. Then there’s a guy who kills a girl and eats her, so I guess the cannibalism thing isn’t solely happening to the ladies. I’m lost. Starkwell and Lovelock are lost. I think maybe the writer director was as well.

[...]

[One of the girls gives a guy a blowjob for twenty bucks, and then kills him and takes him back to eat him and share with the gang.]

Starkwell: Wait, why did she bother to give him the blowjob if she was just gonna kill him and eat him?

Lovelock: And a condomless one at that.

[I don't think these ladies are worried about catching anything, since they appear to be, zombies.]

[...]

Then there’s a scene where the guy that was eating people takes his shirt off and he has a huge cut on his stomach like he had been gutted. He then duct taped it shut. So… now it's much more clear... these people are all zombies. Still so confused, though.

[...]

[Two girls saw (like saw as in CUT) a random dude into pieces and cry a whole bunch and then pray (as in to God).]

Starkwell: This is certainly very different than the norm.

Lovelock: Are there any heroes in this movie? The whole thing seems centered around a bunch of decomposing cannibals. Are we supposed to feel bad for these bitches? I don't.

[...]

The gore is pretty great and very, as I've said, unsettling. It cuts from a girl having tea and biscuits with her grandma to the cop guy sawing a guy’s head off, or girls picking guts out of a carcass. The only complaint the guys have at this point is that not a whole lot is actually HAPPENING other than people eating people and turning all gross and decomposey.

[...]

[The virus clearly spreads by bite and/or scratch.]

Starkwell: They are EASILY the least rabid zombies ever.

Lovelock: Like slacker zombies or something. “Come here, let me hit you on the head with a hammer gently, thanks darling, oh look you’re dead.”

Starkwell: Even the people that die don’t make a sound when they get killed. “I’m dead. Bummer dude.”

Lovelock: Also… EVERYONE in this movie mumbles.

[...]

All of a sudden, Lovelock and Starkwell realized that the cop guy was a zombie hunter. Hence sawing off a dude’s head, or driving a rod through their brain, or asking the punk about eating people.

[...]

Starkwell: Oldest, most crotchety, zombie hunter ever.

Lovelock: Seriously, zombie hunting is supposed to be a young man’s game.

[It’s become clear now, also, that he isn’t a cop, but a guy looking for his daughter (?), killing zombies along the way.]

[...]

So, I GUESS the zombie hunter guy is the hero. Anyways, the guys are getting a little bored, as it is quite slow moving, but they both agree that in a way this was a bit ahead of its time. The writer/director’s previous film was essentially a mockumentary about one guy’s slow descent into zombieness after being bitten… so he clearly likes to try to present the subject in a more ‘real’ and different way than expected or previously done. Kinda neat… but we all agree the pace sucks.

[...]

[Turns out the zombie hunter’s daughter was the decomposing zombie girl from the beginning. He finds out when he tortures one of the main characters.]

Lovelock: Wow. It all comes full circle and yet, BORES THE SHIT OUT OF ME AT THE SAME TIME UGH SO BORING.

Starkwell: Snoozefest.

[After zombie hunter gets his daughter’s history, he kills the girl.]

Lovelock: Well, at least he’s thorough.

[He throws his tools into a lake.]

Lovelock: Wait? What? No? If you don’t keep killing them who will? Ugh, this movie.

[...]

Then the new girl shows up at the hooker’s place and they eat a dude. The end, immediately. So… um… yeah. Great on paper, but quite boringly executed.

Fistful of Brains.

2014-08-15T07:36:00.001-04:00

It’s hard to imagine that this is one of THREE zombie films that this writer director has managed to put out. Granted with the micro-budget that these are likely made on, I can’t imagine any one of them being particularly grand or wonderful. I don’t know how long the dudes will hang on this time around. The intro credits play over, what I assume are scenes taken directly from the movie, while THE WORST FUCKING WESTERN SONG EVER RECORDED plays. It’s kind of like how at the beginning of a porno they show a small clip from each scene and flash the actors’ names. Like Anita Hardcock or something.

[...]

[Intro credits go on seemingly forever. With the theme song dragging on endlessly.]

Starkwell: I mean, you’re fucking joking right?

Lovelock: Shot on a Nikon Coolpix camera. From ten years ago. Edited by a free program that came with Windows Millenium Edition.

Starkwell: I’m waiting for the starwipe.

[...]

[Characters are introduced in a western ‘town’.]

Lovelock: I think I said this last time we watched one like this, but I think this was filmed at the Great Escape in Lake George.

Starkwell: Judging by the buildings, they’re not trying very hard to look authentic.

Lovelock: Those are some fancy light fixtures for the WILD WEST.

[...]

So there’s a snake oil salesman who sells the townspeople stuff. And the ‘saloon’ is some dive bar with stuff written in permanent marker all over the ceiling and the bar, stuff like “James and Mindy 4 evah”, which all looks and sounds very authentically western, of course.

[...]

[A bunch of zombies eat some cowboys in the woods. The one survivor tells the sheriff and FLIPS OUT!]

Starkwell: I know this is terrible, but it’s reaching some seriously insanely, near funny, bad heights right now.

Lovelock: Seriously, I’m nearly entertained by just how much of a trainwreck this actually is.

Starkwell: That guy’s a good actor.

[...]

There isn’t much point in documenting this any further. There were a lot of laughs. A lot. I doubt this was meant to be a comedy. Given how painfully bad this was, I can’t help but want to track down the sequel “Few Brains More”… Of course, Starkwell and Lovelock would need some time before they'd agree to watch it. Don’t believe the IMDB user review claiming this is like 'Sam Raimi’s “Evil Dead” set in the 1800s'. I mean I suppose it’s true if you change ‘Sam Raimi’ to ‘High School Drama Club', ‘Evil Dead’ to ‘total piece of shit’ and ‘set in the 1800s’ to ‘filmed in a small town using the local townies as the cast’. I will say though, the film ends with a girl being thrown off a cliff and has a pretty sweet dummy shot. A good dummy shot tends to make everything ok, and Starkwell and Lovelock ended up leaving feeling pretty good.

[...]

Lovelock: In a word, TRAINWRECK I CAN’T LOOK AWAY.

Starkwell: That’s more than one word.

Lovelock: This movie could never be described in one word.

Starkwell: Sure it can. Terrible.

Lovelock: Fair enough.

[...]

This movie is bad in the way that old eighties or seventies movies were bad, which is kind of refreshing. It looks like a lot of care was put into making it, a lot of time, a lot of effort. It's kind of fun to see that, even when it is - especially when it is - a colossal failure. When movies TRY to be 'so bad it's good', it never works.

The Roost.

2014-08-11T08:21:00.002-04:00

I don’t know a whole heck of a lot about this movie other than that it is now a few years old and that the director has recently been involved in some of those anthology horror films. None of what I just said leads me to believe it will be very good, but I’ve been wrong before.

[...]

[DVD Menu and intro has that grainy “faux” grindhouse look…]

Starkwell: So it’s to be one of those?

Lovelock: This was made for the Showtime network?

Starkwell: If it was ScyFy I’d be running for the hills.

[...]

Anyways, the intro is set up as if we are watching some old black and white horror television program. The director does a decent job making fun of old fashioned black and white cheeseball TV horror. Unfortunately it takes too long to get going. Like, yeah, we get it, old horror.

[...]

[The “frightmare” tv show thingy goes on, as he introduces the story of people on a way to a wedding.]

Lovelock: The intro to Disney’s Tower of Terror is more gripping than this.

Starkwell: The movie is only eighty minutes, and he had to pad the beginning with this?

Lovelock: Plus these credits are taking a good five minutes.

[This is the second round of intro/credits if you count the ones before the fake TV show thing.]

Starkwell: Long, unnecessary… even a bit confusing.

[...]

Around the seven or eight minute mark, now the movie starts. It’s Halloween (?) and some college kids are on their way to a wedding? Then a bat or something flies into their car.

[...]

[Old farmer guy goes to lock up his barn and is turned into a zombie by… bats?]

Lovelock: Wait what?

[His wife goes to find him and it cuts away before we see anything, so maybe he isn’t a zombie. I don’t know.]

Starkwell: Is the movie just going to keep NOT SHOWING us something and then cutting away?

[...]

The film is really poorly lit. There are a lot of dark shots of the actors holding flashlights and honestly, you can’t see anything. So the college kids are stranded, and thankfully they are near the farmhouse, which hopefully means someone will get eaten soon. Thirty minutes in and not much has happened except some college kids getting their car stuck in a ditch.

[...]

[Finally the “goofy” college kid goes to check out the barn. Dies? There’s a cop that goes in next, and he… also dies? Actually we actually SEE the cop die, unlike everything else so far.]

Lovelock: Wait, he didn’t die by bats, he fell out a window? That’s lame.

Starkwell: Is the cop Trent Reznor?

Lovelock: What? No. You’re an idiot.

Starkwell: I’m just trying to find something, anything, to be even just a touch excited about.

Lovelock: Maybe he jumped out the window to hurt himself, today.

Starkwell: Please don't.

Lovelock: To see if he still feels.

[...]

All of this is followed by a whole bunch more of the college kids being all “what should we do? I don’t know. What should we do? Let’s talk about it forever”. Honestly, JUST DO SOMETHING. Also, why did they bother make it Halloween, and mention it explicitly... it's fully irrelevant.

[...]

[Finally, zombie cop pops out with a melty face and a rabid demeanor.]

Lovelock: There we go. More of that, movie, and less of EVERYTHING ELSE YOU’VE DONE SO FAR.

[The college kids beat him to death with a shovel.]

Starkwell: They had him locked up in a barn… why would they just kill him when they don’t even know what’s wrong with him? Crazy.

[That happens a lot in these movies. I like to think in real life people wouldn’t go right from “Bill, is that you?” to “SHOVEL YOUR FACE TO A PULP”.]

[...]

Anyways, more running from bats, and hunkering down in a farmhouse, and then running from bats again, and eventually more zombies… but it’s all fairly slow moving.

[...]

[Guy with glasses shoots old lady zombie in the face.]

Lovelock: Wait, he had never even seen her before, and all she was doing was shuffling around in a room… There was NOTHING about her that suggested zombie, or monster, or SHOOT ME.

[Zombie farmer pops out and bites glasses guy.]

Starkwell: Well that’s more clearly a zombie.

Lovelock: Maybe not. I mean the dude just shot his wife in the face, maybe he’s just getting revenge. In conclusion, this is some bullshit right here.

Starkwell: OLD LADY! KILL IT! That's just bananas.

[...]

Then, as if to say “just when you thought this shit was ending soon” it cuts back to the fake tv show, and the “host” says some dumb shit and then it goes back to the movie. WHY?!?!?!?!

[...]

[Everyone dies.]

Lovelock: Good.

[...]

The end. But not before another shitty black and white tv show segment, which, for some reason, this time is in widescreen as opposed to being in full screen as it was earlier. If you're gonna be lame, at least keep the lame consistent. GIMMICKS EVERYWHERE! Hate.

Germ Z.

2014-07-16T08:15:00.002-04:00

Although it appears that the film’s actual title is simply “Germ”, at some point someone decided to Asylum-ize this film and add the “Z” in order to mockbust the movie based on a book that it ended up being nothing like at all. That being said, perhaps it was just the marketing that tried to make a mockbuster out of this. Maybe at it heart, it was originally an original story. Lovelock and Starkwell will certainly not take all that long to figure it out.

[...]

[Screaming dude runs after a guy with a humpback (?) and then, while screaming, his head explodes.]

Lovelock: Did his head explode or was he wearing a red water balloon hat?

Starkwell: We may be in for a short ride. Meaning I may leave soon.

[...]

The movie has already bounced the timeline around a couple of times. The acting is bad. Real bad. But it’s a low budget deal, so that can be forgiven. Anyways, the story seems to be about a meteor bringing a space virus down to earth. The timeline makes no sense though. They jumped to “forty hours earlier” but then immediately went back to the present without having any reason to jump around. So yeah the meteor crashed on Earth. Also they’ve introduced more characters than they likely need in this movie. There’s Deputy Guy and his Friend With Benefits that he humped in the woods, there’s her whole family, there’s a bunch of military dudes, and for whatever reason, a yoga class. And Deputy Guy has a partner who CLEARLY is all “fat comic relief guy”.

[...]

[Friend With Benefits takes her sister to her Girl Scout campout weekend.]

Lovelock: Something needs to happen… OTHER than introducing a bajillion characters that I already don’t care about.

[...]

Then we see a volleyball game with the DOUCHIEST guy ever with a killer farmer’s tan wearing a wifebeater. Insane. Enough characters. I assume the guy making it invited EVERYONE HE’S EVER KNOWN to be in his shitty movie.

[...]

Lovelock: ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

[Starkwell quietly leaves, as to not wake up Lovelock.]

[...]

Nearing the half way mark through the movie, there has not been one zombie in this OUTBREAK movie. The cover shows a guy in a city armed with all sorts of weapons surrounded by the infected. All we have is one guy who has been eaten, but it wasn’t shown. A deputy who has no balls and DEFINITELY no cool guns, and, oh yeah, it’s not in a city, but rather, in a small Crystal Lake like town. The second half of the film picks up a bit, and at least has some action (some), but all in all, this is a dud, and I can see why Starkwell bailed and Lovelock fell asleep. What was the head exploding at the beginning? What in the fuck? Slow-moving, and pointlessly dragged out… five or ten minutes worth of bad story stretched out to eighty-five boring horrible minutes I can't get back. Ouch.

The Horde.

2014-07-10T08:10:00.007-04:00

The later part of last decade was when the whole zombie film thing was really hitting the saturation point. After the success of “Zombieland” it seemed like everyone was putting out some kind of zombie movie. It’s only gotten worse now in the wake of the hit TV show based around the ol’ zombie apocalypse. Anyways, back in 2009, the French got in on the action with a rather cookie cutter action packed zombie bonanza extravaganza, about cops and robbers and, of course, zombies. At best it will play out like if Luc Besson made a zombie movie, and at worst, it will be exactly what we expect it to be.

[...]

[People at a funeral, ALL INTENSE. Some dude plans on going after the dudes that killed his… miscellaneous relative / friend (?)… so they go and attack a whole apartment building.]

Lovelock: Wait, the bad guy gangsters have a whole building?

Starkwell: I guess they’re squatting in an abandoned building.

Lovelock: France looks like it totally sucks. And not for the usual reasons.

[...]

So the rag-tag gang charge the group of drug dealers to get their friend back, and two of them are shot immediately. Wait, I just realized that the rag-tag gang are actually cops. I guess they were going vigilante style in order to kill the dudes that killed their friend, and and also rescue the hostage. Too late, the drug lords just shot the hostage and now the “gang” are all hostages. And the drug lords just killed another one of them.

[...]

Starkwell: Worst vigilante cops ever.

Lovelock: They should have watched “Death Wish 3” beforehand to see how this shit is done.

[...]

The action so far has been pretty good, but it moments later EXPLODES into a frenzy of zombie action when the recently deaded hostages start eating gangsters, and zombies start charging the building. The zombies are definitely more rabid than slow and lumbering, and take a bit from “Demons” to be completely honest.

[...]

[Weak ass gangster dude jumps on zombie’s back and hits him.]

Lovelock: Dude hits like my grandmother. They just shot the thing thirty times and it’s still up and about and he thinks his limp-wristed whacks are going to… ?

[Head Gangster figures out to go head shot styles, with a shotgun.]

[...]

The cops and the gangsters decide to WORK TOGETHER, to try to get out of the building. BEST FRIENDS.

[...]

[Weak Punch Gangster takes down two zombies with his bare hands.]

Lovelock: Where was that before? I don’t know, movie, you’re being a touch inconsistent.

[...]

The movie trucks along. There is a fair amount of action, and the dialogue is alright. The problem? The characters are ALL scumbags. Even the cops are shitty cops and shitty people. Hard to have a ton of fun when you’re not really rooting for anyone.

[...]

Lovelock: So I can root for shitty cops, evil drug dealers or this crazy racist old man that they just met?

Starkwell: Yeah, I’m actually hating the characters MORE as time is passing.

Lovelock: I’m starting to dig the chief gangster guy. At least he’s staying cool.

[...]

A few twist and turns later, many more zombie kills and a bunch of dudes being eaten, head cop finds himself at ground level, standing on a car surrounded by zombies, spinning around, with guns blazing like he’s in the Matrix. Then he runs out of bullets and gets eaten. Which leaves us with Crazy Old Racist, Head Gangster, and the Girl That Everyone Hates Because She’s A Mega Bitch.

[...]

Lovelock: Honestly, I really hope no one makes it.

Starkwell: That makes two of us.

[Three, actually.]

[...]

Head Gangster and Bitch make it out alive and BITCH SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD. The end. Roll credits. It’s the fucking worst. The worst character makes it. The worst.

Descendents.

2014-06-26T07:56:00.001-04:00

Long before George Clooney played an upset widower, in “The Descendants”, there was a terrible Chilean movie called “Descendents” about a mysterious virus turning everyone into zombies. Obviously the two have nothing to do with one another, but I really didn’t know how else to introduce a Chilean zombie movie that promises to be absolute garbage. Have fun, kids.

[...]

[Kid narrates, describes the zombie apocalypse, a montage of children’s drawings show the evolution of the world.]

Starkwell: If your kid draws people vomiting blood, it might be time to get them some help.

Lovelock: Or lock your doors, ‘cuz LOOK OUT.

[Apparently the kid is immune and needs to find the ocean (?)]

Starkwell: Wait, is she dancing with a mermaid?

Lovelock: Why does her mom want her to go to the sea? Dumb plan.

Starkwell: And… she’s supposed to find the magical octopus there?

Lovelock: I’m confused.

[It gets worse.]

[...]

Another montage shows the kid being experimented on, and show her seeing her mom get eaten, and… yeah, now she’s all alone on the beach or something. They cram a lot into a super schizo intro. And then it quiets down and we follow Camille, the young girl, as she wanders the wasteland alone.

[...]

[More young girl walking and narrating.]

Lovelock: If this whole movie is this girl walking around and telling us how lonely and hungry she is, I might lose my shit.

[...]

The good news, the movie is only about an hour and ten minutes. The bad part, so far, it really is mostly just shots of the girl walking around and narrating a shitty screenplay. Occasionally there are shots of her running away from soldier people… the zombies themselves don’t really scare her because she is immune to them and they don’t attack her. But yeah, at a few points some army dudes are chasing her and her other immune children friends and trying to shoot them. Not sure why. There are a lot of flashbacks of when the world went to shit, but it doesn’t really explain anything, or really go anywhere. Plus they keep repeating the same flashback, basically. The zombie eating people parts are decent enough, and it’s nice to see someone tryng to do something different, but the problem is, it really wasn’t much of an idea at all. Also I hate it. Man fuck this movie.

[...]

[Ten minutes of a bunch of kids playing in a playground.]

Lovelock: I thought George Clooney was in this…

Starkwell: Why are they speaking English?

Lovelock: This movie blows. So hard.

[Army shows up and starts shooting the kids.]

Lovelock: Well, at least that.

Starkwell: Wait, why is the army hunting children… and zombies?

Lovelock: I’d appreciate if the girl would stop having the same fucking flashback over and over again. WE’VE ALREADY SEEN THIS.

Starkwell: HOLY SHIT, yeah we get it, you want to get to the sea.

[...]

Then the kids find the sea and there is a giant octopus that is swatting down the helicopters. THEN THE GIRL TURNS TO THE CAMERA AND SHE AND HER FRIENDS HAVE TURNED BLUE, GROWN GILLS AND HAVE WEBBED FINGERS AND SPARKLE LIKE DIAMONDS. Yes. That happened. Lovelock straight up passed out after trying to make a joke that simultaneously referenced “Avatar”, “Twilight” and “Waterworld”, and ran out of air. When he came to, he legit screamed “THE SMURFS” and then started speaking in tongues.

[...]

[After the credits, it tells us, through the worst fake news broadcasts EVER FILMED, that ten years ago GLOBAL WARMING… caused this?]

Starkwell: And… so…

[No, seriously, you don’t even know how bad the fake news broadcasts look. The guy is reading his lines off of a piece of scrap paper, and one of the ‘broadcasts’ looks to be in someone’s wood paneled basement, and another one looks like they filmed it in a bar.]

Starkwell: Wait.. so…

[Seriously, this goes on for ten minutes. After the credits. Ten out of seventy minutes are after the credits.]

Starkwell: WHY IS THERE AN OCTUPUS WHY ARE THE KIDS SUDDENLY MERMAIDS??!?!?!?!

[...]

It’s one of the most frustratingly bad movies I’ve ever seen. Must be seen to be believed. That being said, don’t see it ever.

Cockneys Vs. Zombies.

2014-06-20T08:58:00.004-04:00

There have been more than a few zombie comedies made in the wake of “Shaun of the Dead”, and to be completely honest, none of them ever hold a candle to it. This is the third film that I can think of that involves criminal types, in England, trying to avoid death by zombie. If you expand outside of the UK, I can think of even more. It was like people watched “Snatch” and “Shaun of the Dead” and thought, “I bet I can combine those and make a SUPER MEGA MOVIE”. Try and guess if any of them has been right so far. Moving right along.

[...]

[Construction workers find a tomb as they destroy a building, a skeleton rises up and eats them.]

Lovelock: Serves them RIGHT.

[Terrible intro music plays.]

Starkwell: Strong start, however… would have been stronger with a stronger song.

Lovelock: Seriously, why don’t these movies ever go full metal, instead of weak poppy punk?

Starkwell: And I could have done without the fart joke... one minute into the movie.

[...]

[Two idiots plan a bank robbery.]

Lovelock: If these guys pull this off, I’m going to live where they live and I’m gonna rob banks.

Starkwell: That’s a lot of wrong.

[...]

Clearly someone watched a lot of Guy Ritchie movies. In fact, they even got that old dude from that Guy Ritchie movie to play the two dumb bank robber brothers’ grandfather. Anyways, it is fairly well written. The jokes all work. The old people are funny and the dialogue is quick and entertaining. It seems like the same crew that opened up the zombie tomb is about to tear down the old folks home where the granddad is living. So the idiot brothers actually want to rob the bank to get the money necessary to save the home. Pretty adorable.

[...]

[Montage of their robbery plans, and they go pick up a bunch of friends and family.]

Lovelock: I love a good caper.

Starkwell: I feel like there is probably some stuff being lost in translation here.

Lovelock: The film is in English!

Starkwell: Is it?

[...]

The gang manages to rob the bank, but didn’t realize that the silent alarm was tripped, so they were cornered. Meanwhile the old folks’ home is overrun by zombies. Simultaneously, lucky for them, zombies have overrun the town, so the cops that had them cornered have all been eaten. The zombies aren’t bad looking, and the effects, overall, are as convincing as they need to be.

[...]

Starkwell: I prefer when people don’t refer to zombies as zombies in a zombie movie.

Lovelock: Yeah, that’s one of the golden rules.

Starkwell: Can there be more than one golden rule?

Lovelock: I think so. Another one is to stop asking so many fucking questions.

Starkwell: These people say ‘muppet’ way too much.

[...]

There’s a scene where one of the gang drop kicks a baby. It actually is kind of funny. What isn’t funny is how one of the gang (the girl) already knows all of the zombie rules, and knows to shoot them in the head, and knows that a bite will turn them, and so on and so forth. However, there was a pretty sweet Christopher Lee reference at one point.

[...]

[Super dragged out chase between a zombie and an old guy with a walker.]

Lovelock: Now THAT’s a good joke.

[...]

Though not as effective as the old folks’ action scenes in “Hot Fuzz”, it’s still pretty funny to watch old people fight zombies. But that’s the main problem with the movie... It does a lot of different things, but doesn’t do any one of them quite as well as the movies that they are borrowing the ideas from in the first place. That being said, so far it is still entertaining as Hell.

[...]

Starkwell: I feel like there are a lot of underdeveloped ideas here.

Lovelock: You’re underdeveloped.

[...]

It’s true. I mean what Starkwell said, not Lovelock... For example, they spent all of this time setting up that the building company left money at the bank, and then they ended up actually stealing that money and all of this… but in the end, who cares? Everyone is dead, including the building company… so why did they bother? Do they even need the money anymore?

[...]

[The surviving members of the Gang Of Stupid find... an armory of some kind and load up like Rambo (?)]

Lovelock: Lucky for them there’s a double-decker bus that she can hotwire?

[Then one of the characters used the Indiana Jones “no ticket” line when they shoot a zombie off of the bus, and it was super out of place and felt way forced and Lovelock puked a little in his mouth.]

[...]

Eventually they get to their granddad, and we all get treated to a montage of old people with guns killing zombies. A really long montage. Longer than it needs to be. It is still entertaining and fun, albeit really stupid. In the end, the gang and the old folks (the ones that are left) make a clean getaway on the double-decker bus and then a ferry boat, but not before granddad sacrifices himself and Lovelock cries a little. BUT WAIT HE’S NOT DEAD. CANCEL THE TEARS. Solid movie overall. A touch short, but then again, it certainly didn’t need to be any longer.

Jason X.

2014-06-03T07:33:00.000-04:00

Jason’s first appearance as a full on zombie in part six was actually not too bad at all. There was then a steady decline all the way down into ‘Manhattan’ easily one of the worst things ever. “Jason Goes to Hell” managed to be entertaining in a dumb, but still fun, kind of way. At this point in Jason’s history, it is the tenth movie (Jason 'X'... get it?). There is really nothing left to do, except make it be in space, for some reason, and also in the future? I can’t wait to hear Lovelock and Starkwell rip this movie a new one.

[...]

[Some kind of first person view opening of doctors working on a corpse.]

Lovelock: So… Jason is Robocop?

Starkwell: We should be so lucky… Also, why would they be keeping Jason alive.

[Some Military Nerd Doctor wants to transport Jason to his facility… not frozen?]

Lovelock: Well now they’re just asking for it.

[...]

When they go to the room to find Jason, he has somehow gotten out of his chains and kills everyone. Pretty awesome actually, since the characters all suck so far and we're all glad that they're dead.

[...]

[Nerdy Scientist Girl locks Jason in a cryogenic freezing something and he drives his machete into her… through the insanely thick steel/whatever doors, and then the WHOLE place freezes.]

Starkwell: Where does one get a machete like that exactly?

Lovelock: Hattori Hanzo. Or science fiction.

[...]

Then the movie really takes a turn for the dumb when a crew from the future stumbles upon the “ancient” freezing lab. No explanation is made as to why NO ONE between the present day and miscellaneous future four hundred years later ever went to check on the lab. Also, there are androids? The acting is as bad as the dialogue, which in turn, is as bad as the story. The music is also terrible. As are the costumes. As are the sets (seriously, it looks like they went shopping at a "Star Trek: TNG" garage sale.

[...]

Starkwell: Why is the future seemingly made up entirely of horny teenagers making sex jokes and wearing skimpy lil' outfits?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but I sure hope I make it that far.

[...]

Then future dummies thaw out Jason and Nerd Girl from the beginning. They heal the girl with their healing machine, and revive Jason. Big mistake. Then there was a stupid scene where a ‘student’ bones her professor. And by bones I mean rides him while wearing lingerie and twisting his nipple with huge metal pliers. Simultaneously, two of the other students bone. And then one of the dudes does the android, or wants to anyways. Starkwell got up to leave, but then Jason sat up on the bed and killed the dumb blonde. So Starkwell sat back down, and decided to stay, at least for now.

[...]

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure Kane Hodder just took advantage of that scene to really feel up that girl’s titties. He almost pulled her shirt off.

Lovelock: Wouldn't you?

Starkwell: Wait, what?.

[...]

There was a scene where professor brings Thawed Nerd Girl some food and tells her quite casually “oh by the way, Earth is dead, you’re on a spaceship heading towards Earth 2”. After the requisite “'Earth 2' is a sick album" conversation, both Lovelock and Starkwell laugh non stop at the fact that her reaction to this news was basically “oh cool, show me around your space ship, I'm not in shock at all”.

[...]

[Jason kills people.]

Lovelock: ZZZzzzzzzzzzzz…..

[Starkwell straight up left and went to bed.]

[...]

There are so many characters. Like in some of the other films, they don’t even bother developing any of them. Why bother? Since Jason just ends up killing them all... I guess. Body count for the sake of body count.

[...]

[Jason kills more people.]

Lovelock: ZZzzzzzzzzz…

[...]

So, it doesn’t matter who they throw at Jason, even “bad ass” military types, and they all die immediately. Lovelock said the movie really jumped the shark when the android turned her gun sideways to shoot Jason gangster style. This movie is really bad.

[...]

Lovelock: No one noticed that Jason was “killed” on top of the healing bed/machine? And now he’s a super Jason? And it also created new futuristic armor and a new futuristic mask for him? The healing machine also heals things? FuuuUUUuuuuck this.

[...]

The movie goes on for so much longer than it needs to. Between this point and the end, they even manage to put Super Jason in the holodeck where he kills virtual reality campers. Eventually Jason blows up fighting a black dude in a Halo outfit and then they ride each other down to Earth 2, from outer space. Yes. Really. They set it up for a sequel which thankfully never happened.