Jodeci: You never get a third chance to make a second impression

Late last week, there was a 90s nostalgia night (and, readers who are my age, don't think too deeply about that phrase, lest you start to install a stairlift) at Wembley Arena. It was an R&B night, with bands like Blackstreet, SWV, Dru Hill. Oh, and Jodeci.

Jodeci were so bad, that even at a gig watched by people happy to pay cash to see faded R&B stars, they managed to piss the audience off.

Soulculture details the nightmare in glorious detail:

The moment Jodeci appeared on stage professionalism didn’t appear to be at the top of their agenda. Just 30 seconds in and Mr. Dalvin decided to jump off stage like a long jumper to then find he couldn’t get back on it. After being told to get back on the stage by his group, a swift leg up from a steward put the singer back in the spotlight.

Things then went from bad to worse swiftly. Just one song in and the entire sold out audience started booing the once iconic group. Not looking like they knew what they were doing at all, there were points throughout that they were singing out of sync to the point no one actually knew what it was they were singing.

Surely anyone looking at that line-up would have thought "let's leave after SWV" anyway?

Darkness at 3AM: Flushed

Yes, yes, the Take That tour dates are all very exciting - by which I mean "inevitable and now just a mechanical device for extracting cash as the magic tarnishes" - but only the Daily Mirror team is asking the key questions about what the toilet arrangements for fans going to Wembley will be.

Decade Null: 2002 - Pink

"LA told me, you'll be a pop star, all you have to change is everything you are". I've always liked Pink. Proper pop star. Although not so good when she's in love, unfortunately. Anyone who doesn't have a least one track from Missundaztood that they love probably doesn't really like music.

Don't Let Me Get Me, filling Wembley in 2006:



[Part of Decade Null: 2002]

Whatever happened to Zoe Griffin? U2

Since she departed from the Sunday Mirror, you might have been wondering what's been up with Zoe Griffin, showbiz Zoe out the the Zoe Showbiz column.

You'll be thrilled to hear that - just like Doonesbury's most dull character, Rick Redfern - she's launched a blog to carry the quality journalism that used to appear in the newspaper. There's a helpful 'who am I' panel at the side, which I believe replicates the post-it note that Zoe carries with her at all times to remind her who she is:

I am the UK’s coolest party girl. I only go to the best parties and I am at the heart of the action when I’m there.

I don’t get starstruck by celebrities because I’ve met all of the biggest stars already.

The Baftas? The Brits? The MOBOs? MTV Awards? Fashion Week? Been there and done that several times.

I go out to have fun, dress up, sip a glass of Champagne and report back to tell everyone else what it’s really like in the VIP crowd.

Oh, dear. Still, she'll probably put down the sound of a nation laughing as being because they're just jealous.

Today, Zoe reports back on U2 at Wembley:

All, I can say is if you weren’t at the U2 gig at Wembley stadium last night then why the hell not?

Because you don't like U2? Because you're not prepared to pay the preposterous ticket price to see a band some twenty years South of their best? Because you've got tickets for one of the other nights? Because you had something better to do? Because you sent Zoe Griffin to be at the centre of things on your behalf? Or simply because you heard Zoe Griffin was going to be there?

Anyway, Zoe shows her skill in conjuring a scene with just a few words:

And what an entrance - the stage looked like an aliens space ship billowing smoke. Haven’t seen a gig this elaborate in ages.

Lesser writers might have just said space ship; those with subeditors might have said alien's spaceship. But not Zoe - she doesn't want to leave her readers in any doubt that the spaceship from which U2 emerged was not of this planet. In case you thought it was just a crappy sputnik or something.

That's pretty much it for the review - I'm not quite sure this tells me what it would have been like to have been in that VIP crowd of 80,000 people, but there are some photos. With captions. Oh, what captions:

Bono starts off rocking

The Edge manages to rock in a beanie hat

Given that wearing a beanie hat is his trademark, and rocking is - for want of a better word - his job when he's not running building project - is that entirely surprising?

Still. Bono was rocking. The Edge, he too was rocking. What of the others?

Adam Clayton checks he's still rocking - he was!

Adam Clayton was rocking as well? That's lucky.

And the other one?

Larry Mullen Jr controls the background

Not rocking, then? Actually, what does "controls the background" mean? (It's a photo of him drumming, unsurprisingly enough.) Is it just Zoe didn't have anyone to ask what the funny things he was sitting behind were? Or was he actually controlling the backgrounds, having abandoned percussion for making sure the curtains rise and fall properly?

Sadly, Zoe doesn't tell us.

Noel Gallagher suggest Oasis + Kasabian is 'better than Glastonbury', somehow

Apparently unaware that he's flogging a one-note night rather than a four-day event, Noel Gallagher has launched into a Del Boy sales pitch for the Oasisabian tour of 2009:

At a press conference at Wembley Stadium, Gallagher said: "When Michael Eavis reads about this, he will shit himself. I wouldn't bother. This is where it is going to be at next summer.

"Glastonbury is great to be at but it's not really great for people like us to play at. You don't get on until 11 o'clock at night and by the time you get on, all the people that you are with are absolutely bladdered. I think it's better to be at than play at.

"The last time we did Glastonbury, I said I don't think we will ever do it again."

He added that there was something "weird" about playing in front of the "festival crowd" and that there were "not enough speakers".

Gallagher, who hit out at the decision to ask Jay-Z to headline Glastonbury last summer, said: "These gigs are going to be easily the gigs of next year, if not the decade. They are gigs that go down in people's memories... where they might meet their future wives.

"I give thanks that we're going to be headlining it and not just the heritage act before the young kids. Liam, on the other hand, will shit himself," he joked.

Noel seems confused - is he suggesting that Oasis would be natural headliners or mid-afternoon fodder? If he thinks that Glastonbury is better to be at rather than play at, is he suggesting that - since most of don't actually play at festivals - we should all go to Glastonbury or instead play a gig in a park in Manchester instead? And does he really think that anyone who still likes Oasis is really still so delectably marriageable they'll be pairing off in large numbers at Wembley? And... oh, there's just so many people supposedly shitting themselves... it all... need... to get outside...
... ah, that's better...

Gordon in the morning: "Junkie star hits new low"

There's a surprisingly strong condemnation of Amy Winehouse thins morning:

Junkie star hits new low... Amy faces arrest

That's what the story teaser screams, but the detail - on a story by Anthony France - isn't quite so eyecatching.

A woman claims that Winehouse hit her. Which might be terrible, if true, but given that Winehouse has hit people before, it's hard to see how this could count as a "new low" - bumping along the bottom, perhaps.

And the claim that she's "facing arrest"? This seems to be simply bollocks:

Cops were called to the £700-a-ticket End Of Summer Ball in central London, where Amy performed, and took a statement from Sherene.

They are expected to quiz Back To Black and Rehab singer Amy, 25, later.

So Smart, French and The Sun aren't even sure if the police are going to proceed with the matter - "expected" to - and have absolutely no reason to claim at this stage that she's "facing arrest". In the broader sense, perhaps, of "if it's true, and if they feel there's a point in pursuing the case, she would face arrest" - but that's not quite the same thing, is it?

Indeed, the only mention of arrest in the actual story is in the padding flam at the bottom:

Outside the ball, five cops had to restrain a well-dressed woman after a row with her boyfriend.

See Amy on stage and the woman being arrested by clicking on the link below.

Yes, some random woman was arrested, so they've shoved a photo of her on the Sun site for no apparent reason.

Meanwhile, Gordon Smart reacts to Madonna's massive fine for over-running at Wembley and the complaints of the sound being a bit rubbish, by a spot of I'm-alright-Jacking off:

But other fans further back in the stadium were upset by the poor sound quality and late finish.

There were complaints that some fans couldn’t hear her properly but she sounded on top form from where I was sitting.

Thank god the readers of The Sun know that the people who didn't pay for their tickets got a good show, anyway.

Michael's run-on racks up

George Michael's inability to finish on-time has cost him a pretty penny; his gig launching Wembley stadium finished thirteen minutes after the agreed closedown point, for which michale has had to cough up a fine for at the rate of ten grand a minute - more, even, than the waiting charge on a London black cab.

George, apparently, doesn't mind a bit:

"Wembley has strict rules that gigs must finish at an agreed time or face a GBP10,000 fine for each minute they continue. George slipped two extra songs into his set and racked up a huge bill. He was enjoying himself so much he didn't care."

It's not known how many of the audience were enjoying themselves so much they were prepared to pay the babysitters for the overrun.

Drummers? You're kidding?

We're not quite sure why the person given the job of making the opening announcement was talking in a cartoon character voice - like the dog in the Davey and Goliath christian animation, to be precise - not who thought "the drummers from Queen, Foo Fighters and the Red Hot Chili Peppers" accompanied by what almost certainly appears on the running order as "photogenic ethnic drummers" would be the best way to start the event - it's not only given the impression that this is going to be all hand-made sandals and hand-knitted shawls - but, having got the crowd to a pitch of warmth, if not exactly fever, they're now taking an age to get them off stage creating a longeur between the grand opening and the first act. Could they not at least have arranged it so that Genesis could have been getting ready while they were drumming out We Will Rock You?

Still, there's no doubt that everyone knows what this event is, and what it's about, and what it's called.

Except, erm, the Daily Mail, who seem to think it's Live Aid.

Chris Moyles is trying to sound exciting about the prospect of Duran Duran.

Live Earth: Phil Collins isn't going to nail his crab to the mast

Genesis, it's fair to say, don't seem to have quite got the hang of the whole Live Earth event. They've just been on News 24, interviewed by David Sillito, who kicked off with a jokey question to Phil. Mentioning the transatlantic trip on Concord Collins took during Live Aid, Sillito asked him "you aren't going to do that this time, are you?" Phil looked at him like he was a half-wit:

"Nah, I'm not going to do it because it's not possible any more. They don't have..."

Collins then appeared to struggle for the name of the plane. Still, it's comforting to know he's cutting down the air travel, if only because the planes don't fit his busy schedules any more.

Sillito tried again, suggesting that the band might be inspired to do something about their own carbon footprint as a result of the event, getting rewarded with a sarcastic "oh, yeah, we're going to walk to Manchester tonight" before Phil gave precisely the sort of "it's a problem for someone else to fix, individuals can't make a difference" response that Live Earth was supposed to be challenging:

"Bigger fish have to do more; governments have to do a little more than individuals just switching a light bulb off..."

Puzzled as to why they were there, Sillito asked if they were at least going to be sharing the message. Mike Rutherford made it clear that no, they weren't going to be doing that, either:

"Every band can't do the preaching."

But... but... isn't this meant to be an awareness-raising one? Phil chipped in that there were other people - "like David Attenborough" - to do that:

"We're just here for the music."

It's a wonderful success already, then.

Meanwhile, Joanna Gosling had been talking to people coming into Wembley, and they seemed like they couldn't be that arsed about the message either. One she spoke to seemed to want to be a part of something, and wasn't that bothered what it was:

"They're here because they missed Live Aid"

PETA call out Gore on food

More criticism for Live Earth, as PETA question the selling of meat at an environmental awareness gig:

A PETA statement reads, "Because the meat industry emits massive quantities of greenhouse gases, selling meat at a concert to benefit the environment would be like selling cigarettes at an anti-cancer fundraiser.

"What people eat is more important than anything else they do – like the type of car or light bulbs they use – in determining their greenhouse-gas emissions.

The UN has discovered livestock farming contributes more to greenhouse gasses than cars, planes and lorries combined; the soothing balm, though, is that at the ridiculous prices Wembley charge - eight quid for a burger - nobody is going to be eating very much meat.

Muse unimpressed by George Michael

Not that they're annoyed at George Michael having nipped in ahead of them to claim the first gig at the New Wembley title, or anything. Oh, no, that would be petty:

Drummer Dom Howard said, "George Michael doing Wembley is a joke. Who cares? Our show is going to be massive, it's the pinnacle."

However, he did add that he was more than a little nervous about playing the show. "I've been very cocky about it behind closed doors," he said. "but I've been shitting myself about it as well."

At least you've got a job where you can keep sitting down and always face the audience, Dom.

George Michael: I'm your man, your honour

George Michael has changed his mind and pleaded guilty to driuving while unfit, although he maintains he was merely tired and whacked out on prescription drugs. He told the judge:

"I did something very stupid and I am very ashamed since doing it.

"I'm not used to defending myself in a position where I am ashamed of something.

"I really have been very distressed by this whole thing.

"I am perfectly aware that I did something very wrong and got into my car when I was unfit to drive.

"I was not in my normal physical state and I'm perfectly prepared to accept the correct punishment for that."

We really must ask George sometime where's he found a doctor who prescribes the drugs he was on at the time.

Sentencing has been adjourned to "allow blood tests to be carried out" - although since the car accident happened in October, we're not sure what they're meant to prove now.

We're sure the change of heart is down to genuine contrition and not because the trial was due to take place the day before his Wembley gig with potentially awkward side-effects if he'd been found guilty. Of course.

Michael gazumps Muse

Muse had been poised to get a place in the record books - or, at least, a permanent walk-on part in pub quizzes - by loudly proclaiming themselves to be the "first band to play the new Wembley Stadium."

Now, though, it turns out they won't be: George Michael has snuck in and booked a date seven days before. He'll now get to test the acoustics - we're betting they're shit - on June 9th.

It's somehow fitting with our growing theory that Muse are everyone's favourite not exactly favourite band that they'll manage to be the first band, technically to headline Wembley, what with Michael being a solo artist and so on.