Ash plot 26 single sequence

Ash, Billboard crows, dedicate energies foolishly. Gonna have interesting journeys, launching multiple new output, pursuing quite rigorous stunt. They'll upload various xylophoneless yodels... oh, bollocks... zebras or something.

Without sounding like the Radio Times definitials: Ash are going to release a single every fortnight, with the titles of tracks following strict alphabetical order. It's like The Wedding Present's Hit Parade, only even grander and slightly madder in scale. I think it was the Melody Maker that described half the fun of the Hit Parade was because it was like watching a drunk staggering back from the bar with a tray full of drinks, and wondering if he'd complete the journey without disaster.

Happy New Year: The first pointless stunt of 2009

Oh, God, can't we at least allow 2009 to unpack before we have to splash mace into its hopeful little eyes?

Lauren Harris has decided to try and claim one of those world records that isn't a world record by releasing a record everywhere at one second into the New Year:

The single, Your Turn, was lined up for digital release in places including Auckland, New Caledonia, Sydney, Tokyo, Singapore, Jakarta, Dhaka, Karachi, Baku, Moscow, Paris, London, Santiago, Indiana, Mexico City, Arizona, California, Alaska, Hawaii and Samoa.

Ah, that all important Samoan market. As if the marketing stunt wasn't enough of an admission that there's nothing within the record to recommend it, there's also some muttering from the people behind the marketing ploy:

The marketing team supporting Miss Harris, Quite Great Communications, believes it is the first time such a venture has been organised on this scale and a first for worldwide distributor The Orchard which was co-ordinating all the digital downloads.

Joe Arditti, chief marketing consultant, said of the release: "The recent global success of American female rock/pop artists such as Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus and Pink has opened up the rock genre to a far more mainstream market. More importantly, there is a gap in the British market for our very own Rock Goddess.

"What better way to bring in 2009, than with a new star born at midnight!"

Well, a bucket of white wine and a dance with a mysterious stranger, perhaps? Or a firework display and a fondue party?

Did Arditti actually mean anything with his confused suggestion that Miley Cyrus is somehow a rock/pop crossover rather than just rock? And the belief that it's somehow hard for not-ugly women to sell singles to people because they have drums on?

Still, what better start to 2009 than the discovery that the year is going to be every bit as besmirched as 2008 was by duff ideas being sold with the stench of desperation. Happy new year, everybody.

Presumably this wasn't in the X Factor contract? Surely?

Simon Cowell has whored out two teenagers' relationship in a bid to try and get people to watch ITV on Saturday night.

UPDATE: Due to some sort of machine translation error, the original text of this post appeared in a garbled form. It was intended to read Simon Cowell says X Factor couple Eoghan Quinn and Diana Vickers are 'in love'. Apologies if the impression was given that Cowell is prepared to stoop to any level to try and bark up an audience for his show and treats the ITV tea-time audience like credulous dopes.

Simon Cowell launches new publicity stunt

Simon Cowell isn't a stupid man - annoying, yes; tasteless, certainly; but not stupid. So when he starts honking about buying the rights to Top of the Pops and "putting the Christmas special on ITV", he must surely know that everyone sees this for the grandstanding that it is. There's value left in the Top of The Pops brand for the BBC - more, certainly, than Cowell would bid for the rights - and while not having a Christmas special won't help increase that value, it's nothing compared to the hit having it ruined by the home of The Roxy would mean.

If Cowell's so bloody keen for ITV to do something like this, why doesn't he revive The Chart Show?

He's not a plumber, he's not called Joe and he's not going to be worse off under Obama

Although McCain likes to call us - all of us - "my friends", he doesn't really have that many friends, does he? So it's not surprising that McCain grabs closely anyone who shows the slightest interest in him.

But what is Samuel The Unlicensed Plumber Wurzelbacher's motivation for hanging around McCain, endorsing him and going out to stump for the downward spiral? It turns out it's got nothing to do with politics, and everything to do with trying to launch a career as a country musician:

On Tuesday, Wurzelbacher joined country music artist and producer Aaron Tippin to form a new partnership that includes booking-management firm Bobby Roberts and publicity-management concern The Press Office to field the multiple media offers he’s received over the past few weeks.

Less harmless than Palin's motivation (a 2012 run in her own right), perhaps, but it must be heartbreaking for McCain to realise that his expensive presidential bid is running out its last few days as the poor man's American Idol.

Dedication

Weezer get in touch, via their press team, to announce they've broken lots and lots of records:

Weezer and friends gathered to play the song together and break Guinness World Records during the shooting of the video. Guinness World Records official, Stuart Claxton, was in attendance to monitor and certify these record attempts during the day long shoot in Los Angeles, where new records were set for Largest Game of Dodgeball, Most People in a Custard Pie Fight, Most People Riding on a Skateboard, Largest Air Guitar Ensemble, and Longest Guitar Hero World Tour Marathon. (See below for more details on these records.) The band's Pat Wilson is also shown in the video playing the World's Smallest Drum Kit in a Video...a record the band is petitioning to get in the book as an official record.

Norris McWhirter writes Well, Roy, there's not actually a record for the most desperate attempt to make up for a lack of musical ideas, so it's hard to say if this IS a world record or not, but I suspect they're masturbating communists so it's not like anyone should look up to them, is it?

Let's all look at the wacky artist

Some artist Natascha Stellmach claims to have received the "stolen" ashes of Kurt Cobain and - oh, stop my aching art-school pranked sides - is going to smoke them:

“This final act”, Stellmach told Artworld magazine, “will release Cobain from the media circus and into the ether.”

Asked how she she came by having the ashes, she said "That's confidential and kind of magic. They came to me. And I am setting him free.”

Of course, there's every chance she doesn't actually have Kurt's ashes at all, and is merely engaging in some sort of publicity stunt to draw attention to herself. If she does - she claims the ashes came to her in a way "magical and confidential" - then burning them would seem to be destroying the evidence of a crime; possessing them is holding stolen goods and that's just the legal ramifications.

The damaged moral and ethical judgement, though, is even more obvious - how is turning yourself into a media circus releasing Kurt from his? And condemning every documentary made about him from now until the eventual collapse of capitalism to have to end with "a mentally-ill woman inhaled what remained of his body" bringing an end, rather than just crowbarring a new chapter? What gives Stellmach the right to decide what happens to Kurt, over his daughter, over his wife?

Perhaps she's going to do this for everyone. Perhaps we should all deliver the corpses and bones and ashes of all our deceased to her house - in the same way parents try to stop their kids from smoking by making them do a full packet of twenty in one go, the solution would be to ask Stellmach to work her way through a charnel house.

And if she doesn't have the ashes? Exploiting the loss of Kurt's ashes, publicly announcing to a sixteen year-old girl that the remains of her too-publicly dead father are going to be used in a stunt, even if you're planning to say 'ha-ha not really' at some point in the future, seems somewhat inhumane and cruel. And what worthy sort of artist would lack empathy to such an extent?

Slightly over-literal magazine stunts

Metal Hammer has just published an issue with a a metal cover, making it the first ever magazine to have more value as scrap than when new.

The idea came after an editorial meeting where someone noticed they were called Metal Hammer, and following four years in which they tried to print reviews of The Rasmus gigs on the side of hammers.

New format alert: Seed Paper editions

Not, I'm imagining, the sort of format we'd be expecting to be picked up by too many artists, but The Pretenders have announced their new album Break Up The Concrete is going to be the first ever Seed Paper edition album.

Oh, you do so know what a seed paper edition is, surely?

The Pretenders ninth studio album, Break Up The Concrete, will have a limited run of ecologically-friendly packaging with handmade seed paper starting on the album's release date of October 7. This paper can be planted and, with care, may sprout in 1 to 4 weeks. The paper used on this plantable run, and the paper for subsequent non-plantable runs of the CD and vinyl configuration, has all been certified by the FSC, an independent, non-governmental, not for profit organization established to promote the responsible management of the world's forests.

You'll note that there's no actual explanation of what the seeds might be when they sprout - it could be Japanese knotweed. Or possibly the sort of plants which get the local constabulary interested. I'm hoping they'll be beets. Nice to have some beets late in the season.

Bloc-headed?

So, that big countdown on the Bloc Party website was leading up to... the announcement of an appearance on tonight's Zane Lowe show.

The NME reports that people are upset:

Fans have e-mailed NME.COM to voice their displeasure at the stunt. It was speculated that Bloc Party may give away new music when the countdown reached zero.

And where might they have got this idea? Stories like NME.com's "Bloc Party to release new music tomorrow?", by any chance?

The Cure in small doses

That the Cure have a new album coming out isn't much of a surprise. The attempt to drum up a sense of excitement, though - that is. a single a month, every month, on the 13th, in the four months running up to the new album in September.

The 13th, presumably, because they're Goths. And there isn't a 666th day in any month - except February in leap years - so they've had to choose the 13th.

Band announce plan to kidnap own fans

Sonny Marvello have decided to turn their June 2nd gig into a magical mystery tour - they're inviting fans to turn up in the middle of Glasgow, where they will be blindfolded and driven to a secret venue, where they will be entertained in some form. It would be both cruel and unfair to suggest that they might be better off providing earplugs, so we won't.

Bubble boy bounces back

The Lefsetz Music analysis letter had taken a fairly roboust view of the Cartel stunt (they're the band making a record in a big bubble). Despite the claims that they'd only have "limited" contact with outside world, singer Will Pugh has responded with a very, very long justification:

See, we only have one record. We’re about to record our 2nd. People don’t really know us from any other band on the radio or mtv. All that is about to change. This bubble shit is stirring up all kinds of dust around the music world. Its something people find ridiculous. People think we’re crazy, sellouts, whores and everything else negative they can think of. Some people see it as cool. (I would venture to say that most of these people don’t have their head up their asses about music in the sense that they don’t think they are the definitive source on music knowledge or "what’s wrong with the industry"). The big point is that people who have never heard of us are hearing about us now. I know that great bands get out there some way…..but how long does that take. Even the upstarts from left field don’t have a career long enough to even call them road tested…..shit, some of them have played less than 100 shows ever by the time they "make it".

[...]

This marketing scheme shows the world that we are a real band with real inspiration and real songs. Not some american idol winner or a label lottery contestant. People get to see us do what we do under intense pressure and scrutiny and still hit a fucking grand slam while in the meantime people in your position are hating like there’s no tomorrow on a band that they know little to nothing about.

No, Will, it doesn't show you to be anything of the sort - because, at the end of the stunt, you're going to be "the bubble band boys". Whatever else you do. You may be great artists, but when desire for fame persuades you to put on a silly wig, a pair of outsized comedy glasses and repeat catchphrases, that's what you become. That's what you are now.

Pugh then goes on to have a go at what I suspect only severe self control spared him from labeling "h8ers and hipsters":

Popular music is still the standard. Every legendary artist is the most popular at what they do and have accrued many platinum records……why? Because millions of people like their music….not the 500k or so indie kids who are too busy sucking their thumbs to realize that a really good band is being passed by because they "soldout".

Although the time sits heavily on his hands, he hasn't found time to think this through: "every legendary artist is the most popular at what they do" - really? So, then, Eric Clapton isn't a legend, as he's sold fewer records than McCartney? And someone like Ivor Cutler doesn't count as a legend at all on this scale because he's not sold many records. We've argued before that simply selling records doesn't really mean that you're the best liked artist - it just means that you're quite liked by a lot of people; it certainly is no guarantor of quality or of depth of inspiration you provide to others. A simple glance at the charts any week should have alerted Pugh to this fact.

Ah, but he has a rejoinder:

Call this my manifesto but for one I’m sick of all the ninnies running around acting like they know anything about what it takes to create music. To all of them and you I ask……where’s your albums?

Well, I might not have made any records. But neither have I pissed away weeks of my life like some Victorian fairground curiosity in a big bubble making a record.

What Cartel are doing is not about trying to make a recording which will resonate with people; they're trying to sell records. It's possibly no less a noble aim, but Mr. Pugh, you are making an exhibition of yourself in the name of commerce, not art.

Cartel: Next up, it'll be a baby with a baboon heart on bass

If you can't fight, my Mum used to say, wear a big hat. This, loosely translated into music terms, is "if you're a bit rubbish, come up with a big gimmick."

Meet Cartel. They're recording their second album in a giant bubble on Pier 54 in New York. They think it's about them, but it's actually a bid to try and persuade people to buy Dr Pepper, which is sponsoring the event. Dr Pepper's advertising used to be built around the question "what's the worst thing that could happen", illustrated by people getting caught in terrible, embarrassing, public situations. We can see how being in a third-string emo act making a record in a big bubble like some sort of de-evolved zoo monkeys could fit with that message.

Still, let's not forget there are real people involved here, real people, with real emotions and almost half a clue between them. William Pugh has been explaining why they're doing this to USA Today:

"This is just a bigger microscope — a crazy whirlwind in a fishbowl. We're preparing ourselves mentally for the worst, but I don't think we'll have time to freak out. Our goal is to create a good record."

A microscope that's a whirlwind - a crazy one - in a fishbowl. And that's the perfect way to create a "good record", is it? Rather than working on songs in a rehearsal room, then moving into a studio to record them?

The band, of course, will be cut off. Sort of:

"They're going to take away TV and most outside communication," he says. "We'll have limited cellphone and Internet usage."

Goodness. Limited internet. It'll be like being in Portugal or something. Or in an office where they limit your internet. Almost unthinkable, isn't it?

Pugh says the stunt bubble "is the best thing to ever happen to us. A platform this big can show the world that real bands still exist. There's no outside producer, no hidden magic, just us writing and recording. It beats the heck out of being in college."

Yes, it must be better than going to college, although it's hard to imagine your teachers are going to miss your contributions over much.

I'm not sure having a group of bouncing hormones sealed in a large weather balloon really does convince me that "real bands still exist" - when did real bands need stunts to draw attention to their work?

The person behind this - and her official job title doesn't include the word "Evil", so let's assume she really does think she's doing Cartel, and the world, a favour, explains more:

"The first hurdle was getting everyone comfortable with something that doesn't fit in the traditional marketing bucket," says Eleanor McDonald of MEC Entertainment, which cast a wide net to find a band with keen skills, telegenic personality and potential for drama. "This is a real band. Nothing is artificial or staged."

Nothing is artificial or staged. Which would mean that even if Dr Peppers hadn't ponyed up the cash, this band would still have been making a record in a giant sphere on Pier 54, then.

Still, good to discover that there is still, apparently, a "traditional marketing bucket". We feel the stirrings in our lower stomach that suggests we're about to fill one.