Harry Styles: This is probably a better review than they realise

"How is Harry Style's acting?"
"Well, his haircut is fabulous."

Katy Perry settles her bad hair deal

Katy Perry has come to an agreement with GHD after she was convinced they'd "verbally extended" her contract as face of their hair products (spokescalp?), and they were equally convinced they hadn't.

Perry had been looking for two million dollars; it's not clear if she's getting any cash, but GHD would probably view that anything they have to pay out is worth the ability to issue perhaps the cattiest statement in legal history:

But the company disputed the agreement ever took place and insisted it wanted to cut ties with Perry as soon as its original deal expired because its research suggested she is no longer as popular in Europe as she once was.

Don't you think she looks tired

Gordon in the morning: Woman who changes hair a lot changes hair

You could almost feel sorry for Gordon, forced to try and come up with something to say every time Rihanna does her hair:

Hair Ri go with another barnet

Almost, but not quite.

Smart struggles to find something to say, he really does:

RIHANNA has been switching barnets like I do pants.

Every second Tuesday she turns her hair inside-out, sniffs it and says "it'll do another few days"?

She must have one new haircut a week.

Oh. You were making that joke. How far through writing a 'news' story that relies on you making gags about your own skidmarks do you get before realising that there's nothing to report on?

Here she is on her way to an Italian restaurant in LA with a mop so big that kitchen staff could have done the floor with it.

Oh, Gordon is trying to find something to say about the hairdo, but... I think his attention is starting to drift:

Her low-cut top made sure she received even more attention than usual – waiters would have been giving HER tips when she's wearing this outfit.

Breasts. Yes, on safer ground with breasts. And how about some news you can use?

Yesterday the Bajan singer confirmed that her new single is ballad California King Bed.

She probably has a kip on one at home.

Even by the standards of a stretched bit of reporting, that last line is something of a classic. Frankly, if a child with a head injury suggested that as a response the release of a song named after a bed, he might look slightly sheepish about it.

Gordon in the morning: Hairspray

Gordon suggests there's something wrong with Adele for nipping out her house before drying her hair, although surely not spending three hours getting ready for a quick nip to the newsagents is what makes Adele Adele, right?

She's just matched one of those Beatles chart feats, and Smart tries to link the hair story and the Beatles:

She's the first artist since THE BEATLES to have two Top 5 albums and singles simultaneously.

Bet they didn't brush their mops either...

Eh? I suppose if he means when they were popping down the shops, he might be right. But if he doesn't, that means the showbusiness editor of the UK's biggest-selling entertainment publication doesn't know what The Beatles hair looked like. Or just puts words down until the space is filled.

Gerard Way's hair rebellion

If you have tears, prepare to shed them now:

My Chemical Romance star Gerard Way dyed his hair pink so he wouldn't be grouped in the same category as other rockers in their thirties.

He said: "I'm happier, but I think in some odd ways more rebellious.

"In some ways the colour is more rebellious, even if it's self-rebellion, there's no big, secret, hidden enemy."

That's right, Gerard. Having pink hair is the act of a dangerous rebel, living by their own rules, on the edge of society. Dammit, outside society.

Just ask Percy Sugden.

Gordon in the morning: Wig out

This is an entire Gordon news story from this morning:

BLONDIE goes whitey as singer DEBBIE HARRY tries out the platinum look.

But Debbie, 65 - known for her yellow locks in the '70s - was sporting a wig at a New York charity bash.

Let's not even worry about how platinum and white hair colours are different. Let's not even worry about the suggestion that Debbie Harry was known for her hair rather than her music. The real oddity in those two sentences is the "but".

Now, I don't subscribe the idea that you can't start a sentence with "but", but...

Still, it's better than the jokey approach to Billy Ray Cyrus' divorce, which titters over how Miley will have an "Achy Breaky Heart". I guess we should be lucky it's just a divorce and not a death which Gordon's wheeled that out for.

Cheryl Cole's adverts fine, apparently

This is a bit of an open-and-shut case, right? Cheryl Cole appeared in an advert for Nestle L'oreal, punting some hair gunk which said could give her hair like hers. Except it couldn't, because she had hair extensions in. Oh, and you can't even use the product if you've got hair extensions. Not the worst piece of duplicitous advertising, but still, worthy of a reminder not to fib, eh, Advertising Standards Authority?

Apparently not.

We considered consumers would understand the message of the ads to be that the product could have some positive and achievable effect on their weak, dull, limp and lifeless hair but that they would not be misled into believing that, by just using the product, it would replicate for them the fullness of Cheryl Coles hair, because hers had been professionally styled. We concluded that the ads did not misleadingly exaggerate the effects of the product.

That's a bit weird - 'it's okay to illustrate your product with a totally impossible result because, hey, the schleps who slap L'Oreal on their heads are already crushed by life enough to know they're never going to look like Cheryl Cole" - but I can understand the logic.

But advertising a product that you can't use with hair extensions by using a model with hair extensions in - that, surely, is wrong, ASA?

We noted ad (a) showed Cheryl Cole wearing hair extensions but did not state that the product was suitable for use with extensions. We considered the text "Styled with some natural hair extensions" was likely to be interpreted as suggesting the models hairstyle included extensions, not that the product was suitable to care for them. We also considered viewers were likely to understand that they would need to check before using a product on their particular type of hair extensions. We concluded that the ad was not misleading.

Why not go the whole hog and just get someone in wearing a wig and a hat?

Still, nice to see self-regulation knows the job is to always err on the side of the advertiser than logic or honesty. Because they're worth it.

Gordon in the morning: Sex And The City was a newspaper column once

To be fair, it's not Gordon's handiwork, but it's leading Bizarre this morning: Coverage of the Sex And The City 2 premiere. The headline?

Sex 'n the totty

Totty? Are you serious? Are we only minutes away from 'bint' turning up in headlines?

Gordon, meanwhile, is suffering from a shock:

KASABIAN'S SERGE PIZZORNO has followed in the footsteps of bandmate TOM MEIGHAN and chopped off his locks.

The crop-topped guitarist showed off his new style at last night's Black Ball, thrown by ALICIA KEYS, to raise funds for her HIV children's charity.

The new hairdo is a shock, but I'm sure we'll get used to it.

What a pity the SATC premiere clashed with the 'man gets haircut' - a busy news day indeed.

Serge and the lads did a cracking set with Alicia after a fancy beef dinner.

"A fancy beef dinner"? What? "Oooh, look, horseradish sauce."

Gordon in the morning: Revolution on the head

In the continuing churning of non-stories about JLS, today Gordon reaches - well, yes, another new low:

ASTON MERRYGOLD has shocked fans by shaving off his carefully coiffered locks.

Man cuts hair.

There is something interesting about the story, though:

The JLS heart-throb gave a sneak peek of his new bonce

Bonce? Bonce? Surely this is a naked noggin, Gordon, not merely a new bonce?

I don't know what his female admirers make of it but I think it looks OK.

As long as Aston's taking his male admirers with him, that's half the battle.

In other "news", Amy Winehouse mucks about with a person taking a photo of her. We know she did this, because someone took a photo of her having her photo taken. If there's a photo of the paparazzo taking the photo of the photo, I think we'd be able to approach a gallery with a fibonaci sequence.

Pete Wentz: Emo no mo'

Pete Wentz is now, officially, no longer emo because he's knocking thirty, worth squillions of dollars and a mainstream entertainerhe's cut off his hair.

Amy Winehouse: Baby's on fire

Not that she's trying to create her own headlines which will see her recast as a saint and England's Amy or anything, but Ms Winehouse has been attempting self-immolation:

The 26-year-old singer
who recently burned herself while getting herself a fake tan after falling asleep on a sun bed, was jamming with her friends at her new home when the incident happened, mirror.co.uk reported.

As Amy and her friends plugged in their instruments, the fuses blew and sparks lit up her hair. But the Grammy winning artiste quickly doused the flames to salvage her brunette locks

This is not at all vague and in no way probably never happened. Who would "douse" flames caused by electricity? But just in case: Living TV, are you ready?

[Thanks to Michael M]

Liverpool Echo gets overexcited by the MTV Awards

The appearance of the MTV Awards in Liverpool - or project 'see? the cultural year was a success all along, and the money we paid to MTV was worth every penny' - is causing something akin to giddiness in the Liverpool media. Any non-story is good enough to print. Like this one:
City salon prepares to pamper MTV stars

Oct 7 2008 by Tina Miles, Liverpool Echo

A LIVERPOOL beauty salon is preparing to pamper performers for this year’s MTV Europe Music Awards.
And so what preparations are in place? Have they built a special Beyonce zone? Are they ordering in extra quantities of whatever it might take to make it possible to look directly at Kid Rock?

Erm, not quite:

Celebrity haunt APT is in talks with the event’s organisers ahead of the November 6 event at the ECHO arena.

If it succeeds in sealing an exclusive deal, the Hanover Street health and wellness centre could even close its doors to the general public so stars and their entourages have private use of its facilities.

So they're not actually preparing, they're in talks about possibly being used in some way. Let's not even wonder who would expect Beyonce to use a hairdresser's in the city centre, what with her lucrative L'Oreal contract to protect and more make-up staff than I've got flying monkeys; let's just wonder why the Echo is running this story at all?

It'd barely be news if the salon had got an agreement in place, but when it's still a possibility rather than a fact it seems even more insane to run it. In a newspaper. Perhaps Keiths in Lark Lane should see how much coverage the Echo gives it if it announces that they've been kicking round the idea of offering Pink a two-for-one deal on the haloumi and house red.

Still, the paper probably just likes to do everything it can to support and build the Liverpool economy. Up to the point when it closes its printing plant in the city and relocates the formerly 'scouse and proud' title to a print shop in Oldham.

Gordon in the morning: The ex-factor

The return of Leon Jackson, who won Deal Or No DealThe X Factor, excites Gordon Smart:

LAST time I saw LEON JACKSON, we were sharing a glass of Irn Bru after his X Factor win.

It wasn’t the most formidable interrogation I’ve ever conducted — but it seems to have scared the poor boy into hiding for eight months.

You have to wonder what Gordon considers his "most formidable interrogation" to be, then - perhaps it was "so, when can we expect a great new album, then, Madonna's publicist?", or maybe "would you like me to buy another beer, Serge?"

Still, Leon Jackson is back, and Gordon isn't impressed:

Unfortunately, it was the most boring five minutes of pop promotion I have ever seen.

Boring - and yet Gordon does get 500-odd words out of it. Presumably, had Jackson had anything interesting to say, Smart would have been looking at getting pagination from the Sun's Olympic coverage.

To be fair, though, Jackson does appear to have had nothing to say at all:

“Photo shoots have started to take place. There are definitely a couple of looks. You’ve got the smart suits and shirts and ties and dressy shoes.

“And on the other hand I’m younger and edgier, so we’re trying to keep it trendier.

“So we’ve got jeans and T-shirts. We’re trying to mix and match the looks. It’s cool.”

Edgier? Edgier than what, exactly? Given that Jeremy Clarkson is probably the most famous jeans wearer these days, it sounds like Jackson is going for the 'edgier than Huw Edwards' look.

But still, Gordon has more important matters to deal with - Liam Gallagher's got a new haircut:

HERE’S LIAM GALLAGHER yesterday after finally sorting out his rubbish haircut.

Oooh, Liam, why don't you cut your hair? You'd look really pretty with shorter hair, you would. Go on, then... go on.

Norah Jones attempts to be the indie Norah Jones

We hope that someone develops a system soon so that we can easily recall the difference between Katie Meluah and Norah Jones: surely there should be a mnemonic.

Things aren't helped by Jones launching a new identity, which makes... well, one and-a-bit identities, if we're being generous.

She's going indie.

If by "indie" you mean "has a shorter haircut and a side-project doing much the same stuff under a silly name." She's adopted the name Maddie for the band, El Madmo ("You don't have to be el Madmo to work here, but...") and - ooh - has written a song called Rock Your Balls Off.

Twenty years ago, this would have been a silly artistic project. Now, it looks more like an attempt to create a secondary brand without hurting the core product.

Two bald men fighting over a combover

War. It's an ugly business. And it's not going to help if you imagine Sting and Denis Leary, naked and oiled-up, fighting over who has the least hair. Sting started it:

"I saw Denis Leary deconstruct me on television. He said, 'Sting singing about saving the fucking rainforest - he should save his fucking hair.'

"I want to meet Denis Leary in about 10 years. 'Hey, Denis, how's it feel, ya bald cunt.'"

That was in 1993. Hopes that we'd be living in a world where neither Sting nor Denis Leary were of any relevance have come to nothing, and Leary now wants to let Sting run his fingers through his hair:

"Sting called me a cunt. I said something about his hair, or lack thereof, and he called me a cunt and said that when I got older, we should compare hair.

"And I'm like, Let's go! I'm 50! Let's go!"

NBC is rumoured to be interested in a live hair-off, where both men will wear hats until told by a moderator to show their wigs.

Kylie has marginally different hairstyle

So excited is Victoria Newton that Kylie Minogue has got a 'new' hairstyle it's the second story on this morning's Bizarre. Which is a bit weak, even for a Bank Holiday Monday.

She doesn't seem to connect with it being a throwback to Locomotion-era Kylie, but does manage to achieve a new low in punning:

We can’t see what make of car our curly girlie got out of.

But our guess is she travelled in a Roller!

Cheryl Baker's hair problem

Those ads for some sort of hair-regrowth moonshine that ran a while back featuring Cheryl Baker have been slapped by the Advertising Standards Authority. Why, they even claim that Baker's hair would have returned even if she hadn't lathered it with Nourkrin:

Our expert explained that the type of hair loss described in the Cheryl Baker story in the press ad would be described clinically as telogen effluvium; he said it was common in women after childbirth and largely reversible without intervention.

The advert might appear again, though; the ASA has merely told the company to "ammend" it. Perhaps by putting in a photo of David Van Day.

"Someone who dyes their hair", then

Jessica Simpson has changed the hue of her hair. This might be the sort of thing most people do with barely a murmur, but for Jessica, it's something deeper:

"I'm happy to be a brunette because it reflects who I am now."

Yes. As a person with brown hair, having brown hair really does reflect you as a person who has brown hair.

Spooky, isn't it?

I said "why did you cut your hair, it used to look so lovely"/ if looks could kill, I wouldn't be here today

We know it's our sworn and solemn duty to try and pick the bones out of events in the world of pop, but we're looking at the Britney Spears story and it's like a duck carcass - where do we start with all the bones?

In an extraordinary couple of days, Spears has managed to make Federline look like the most well-balanced of Preston's parents. If our understanding of the timeline is correct, it runs something like:

Britney checks into rehab
Britney checks out of rehab less than 24 hours later
Britney shaves her head
Britney gets a tattoo

Britney thinks, of all this, it's the head shaving that will make her Mum freak.

Although perhaps not, as momma hasn't been above feeding the problem herself, has she? An article in the OC Register this weekend about celeb-spotting maps suggests that Ma and daughter aren't above checking her status:

"Celebrities like being on the map," she tells you. "It's status – it's a sign of who's in and who's out. Once a car pulled up and a woman asked if Britney Spears was on the map – and I could see Britney in the back seat! It was her mother asking!"

The Reuters isn't sure what to make of the head-shaving - afraid that, rather than being a desperate act of a woman on the verge, it might be a hot new trend, it plumps for:

Britney Goes Bald in Stunning Makeover

Coming soon: "Britney dazzles in new 'strapped to a gurney' fashion" and "Red Carpet must-have: those plastic things to stop you biting clean through your own tongue."

The Syndney Morning Herald at least grasps there's something going wrong here, although isn't entirely sympathetic:

Hollywood's next car crash
Is Britney Spears the new Anna Nicole Smith?
Far be it from this column to go easy on the pampered princesses of Hollywood, but this is clearly a young woman in trouble, and someone must be blamed. Is it evidence of the evil influence of Disney? Of the music industry? Of Hollywood or Paris? Or should Britney cop the blame for her predicament, while she still can?

We're no fans of Disney, but we're not entirely sure it's fair to blame the Mouse for her total collapse years after she wore the plastic comedy ears for the last time, is it?

Britney's troubles might be a little more recent. Quoted in the Edmonton Sun, her most recent warm-body Isaac Cohen pointed a finger at some, uh, issues:

"It was clear she was not over her marriage. The first time she invited me to her home I saw her wedding dress hung on the wall in a glass box. As we made love that night it was like Kevin was in bed beside us. She had not even begun to move on with her life."

There can be little more off-putting than the idea of "Kevin in the bed with us" - the smell of pickled onions being eaten with fingers, the constant "dude, I think I writted a new rap tune, whaddya think, guys?" and, we'd imagine, toenail clipping on the duvet. No wonder it's all going to hell in a handbasket.

Even today's Sunday tabloid troika hasn't really got a clue what's going to happen next - normally they'd make something up, of course, but with such a careering, high-speed and directionless story, the News of the World is reduced to slapping up ABC's report on the haircut and shrugging with the rest of us.