Ministry hits trouble

What are your plans for February? Al Jourgensen is spending his in rehab:

My sobriety will not, and I repeat, not knock off my sarcasm. If anything, it will intensify. I appreciate the support from my brother and family. I kicked dope and crack by myself, but I need help on this one, so all your thoughts and prayers are more than welcome."

Al Jourgensen requesting prayers? It must be worse than we thought.

Pete Doherty still selling stuff

The depressing sight of Pete Doherty selling the memory of Amy Winehouse to the Mail On Sunday is just another grubby episode in a parade of grubby episodes.

But there was a darkly amusing moment in the piece, where it transpires Doherty sees drug rehab the way other people use gym memberships, something you plan to do after a Christmas blow-out:

"It [the Thai rehab] was an unbelievable experience for me. I went through the detox and experienced life clean of drugs. It gave me a vision of how the future should be.
"Unfortunately, I wasn't ready mentally to commit and I ended up coming home. My plan is to finish writing my new solo album and head back there in the New Year. I want to have a proper run at it, scramble over the wall and land in a world of cleanliness."

What's more likely to happen, of course, is that he'll sign up and pay; go a couple of times and just drink the free orange juice, before forgetting where he put the card and making a definite, definite pledge he'll start going more often when the evenings get lighter.

Amy Winehouse: The Betty Ford of our generation?

If Mitch Winehouse does pull off his still-fag-packet-back plans to open a rehab place in Amy's memory, there will be something odd about the royalties from Rehab flowing into partly funding rehab.

Arguably, the finest rehab that money could buy didn't do much good for Amy in the end, which would make her a strange figurehead for drying-out clinics.

But it's not unprecedented for someone famous for not being on the wagon to become a beacon for sobriety: Betty Ford managed to turn her name from being a byword for liking a drink into being a brand of addiciton-free living. It might be nice if, in ten years time, people heard "Amy Winehouse" and thought of mended lives, rather than one big wasted one.

Mitch is looking for the government to put up some of the cash, so it's possible it won't ever happen. Notably, the coalition couldn't be arsed to put up a spokesperson to talk about Winehouse's plans on Channel 4 News this evening. But the cost of sorting people's problems with drugs and booze out is a fraction of the price of letting them drag on. Let's hope Mitch's determination and Cameron's love of a photo-op come together for a result.

Look East, look at me

While I was writing that bit about Alex James, Look East wheeled on an item featuring a man in Bury St Edmunds who runs a rehab clinic, Focus 12. He claimed he'd discussed treatment for Amy with her Dad, Mitch, but nothing came of it. "If she'd got help, she'd have been alive today", apparently.

The nasty implication that ignoring his outstretched hand led directly to the grave notwithstanding, you'd have to think that Winehouse might have been better off not attending a clinic run by a man who would appear on television yammering away about private discussions he'd supposedly had about e health before she was even laid to rest.

Gordon in the morning: Winehouse vodka shops

Enlivened by a blurry CCTV image, Gordon reports Amy Winehouse having a quick one:

TROUBLED AMY WINEHOUSE dropped into a cornershop and necked a bottle of vodka - while on her way to REHAB.

Is that actually surprising? Isn't "going to rehab" the sort of thing you do if you're drinking neat vodka a likely thing to be doing if you needed to check in to the Priory? It's like saying someone was bleeding everywhere before heading off to A&E.

But, oh, it gets worse. There's a stunned onlooker:

"I was shocked to see her buy vodka so early in the day, and even more shocked to see her knock it straight back."

Really, stunned onlooker? You were shocked simply by her buying a small bottle of vodka - not as shocked as when she drank it, but shocked that she simply bought a bottle at that time of the day?

Now, if she'd been buying lots and lots of bottles of vodka, maybe that might be shocking, although the time of day wouldn't seem to matter under those circumstances.

And just how early was it?

Happily, Gordon has an answer to that, as she went to the shop after she'd been in to a hairdressers:

The Back to Black singer, 27, had stormed in to use the toilet at 12.30pm on Wednesday.

So she'd have been buying this vodka at just before one in the afternoon. Is that really shockingly early in the day for someone to have a quick wee drink?

Alice In Chains in chains

Turns out Celebrity Rehab doesn't actually work - whoever would have guessed? - as former inmate Mike Starr has apparently fallen off the wagon and been nabbed with drugs. In Salt Lake City.

That's shocking. What's somebody who was once in Alice In Chains doing in Salt Lake City?

How goes Radio One's surgery?

A while back, Radio One took the surprising step of passing control of its Surgery 'sort your life out' show to Kelly Osbourne. She, they decided, would be the perfect person to offer a steady hand to young people struggling with life.

How's that going then? We could tune in this week and find out - although it turns out Aled "from the Chris Moyles show" is presenting this week. And, presumably, for the foreseeable future as Kelly's gone into rehab "to sort out some personal issues". Not, perhaps, the safest pair of hands after all then?

Sometimes, Mengele would make the prisoners do an extra hour in the spa

Billy Joel realises that comparing a brief spell in a luxury clinic getting treated for drinking too much with being shipped off to a Nazi death camp might be a bit much:

"I hated it. It was like a concentration camp - well, I can't say that, I've never been in a concentration camp. But for me, it was.

Briefly, he realised it was a facile and offensive comparison. But then decided to go with it anyway.

"There's a lot of dogma that goes with it, and there's the whole AA thing, and for a lot of people that works. I didn't necessarily follow that."

Yes, that does sound a lot like being separated from your family, starved, getting experimented upon, being shuffled into a room and getting slowly gassed to death. Presumably someone removed Joel's sense of perspective with a pair of pliers.

The Winehouse family line up to testify

With mother taking care of GMTV, it falls to Amy Winehouse's brother Alex to tell The Times about Amy's recovery:

She’s back among us. This time we hope it’s for real
A weekend to remember ended in triumph for the singer. Now Amy Winehouse's brother hopes that his sister has conquered her demons

Alex, to be fair, doesn't pretend that she wasn't in a bad place, and you can't blame him for wanting to stay positive, but this family insistence that "well, that's all behind us now" reads less like good news, more like hostages to fortune.

Interestingly, there's a footnote to the piece which greatly reduces the importance of The Sun's crack video in persuading Winehouse to rehab, making it just another pinprick in a wrestling match with hedgehogs:

Lucian Grainge, head of Universal Music Europe, is credited with forcing Amy Winehouse into rehab by presenting her with cuttings documenting her downfall.

A source at Universal said: “Lucian got every piece of press from around the world. He then laid everything out and summoned Amy. He told her to have a good look, then tell him she hadn’t got a drugs problem. It did the trick.”

This confirms rehab was a career move rather than a decision entered into willingly; you wonder if it can really hold when it's something you're doing to please your boss rather than because you've had enough yourself.

Scott Weiland covers Amy Winehouse

Putting the kibosh on the Velvet Revolver Australian tour, and more disturbingly threatening a round of "I'm clean now" media appearances in the Summer, Scott Weiland has gone into rehab.

The Sun rewrites history

Yesterday morning, we observed Emily Smith's coverage of Britney's emergence from rehab, and wondered how the Sun's US editor managed to deliver a piece that was completely unlike any other. Smith welcomed the news that Britney was on the road to recovery, and revealed that her father Jamie had first taken her home, and then onto a more luxurious clinic.

This morning's story from Smith, though, is quite different:

'You're going to die Britney'

BRITNEY SPEARS’ terrified dad last night warned her �You are going to die� after the star checked herself out of a psychiatric ward.

The troubled singer ignored her parents’ desperate pleas to return to hospital, screaming at them: �I want my life back.�
[...]
Despite being horrified by the decision to release her, dad Jamie picked Britney up from the hospital, planning to take her to a private clinic for more treatment.

(The question marks, by the way, are because nobody seems capable of coding up a page correctly at The Sun.)

However, it's not just the story in today's paper which tells a completely different tale from yesterday's. The web version of yesterday's story also tells a totally different story, too."Britney on the road to recovery" has become "Parents fear for Britney's life".

Obviously, websites update as news breaks, but there's something dishonest about simply changing a story through 180 degrees, overwriting the original and not acknowledging what you've done, isn't there?

Winehouse: Get well sooner

We're delighted that Universal were keen to ensure that Amy Winehouse is given the time to get better*. It's nice to see a caring attitude from an employer.

* - Although, obviously, not if it would mean missing the appointment for a US Visa. After all, getting over addiction is hardly as important as the Grammys, is it? Being drug free won't help with the first quarter sales figures, will it?

Gordon in the morning: Business as usual

You'd have thought with the new 3AM column launching this morning, Gordon would have pulled out the stops for Bizarre this morning.

Nope.

The lead story is Kelly Rowland wore a basque. Or, as Gordon put it:

The former DESTINY’S CHILD star has covered up her assets for too long.

So it was great to see her strutting her stuff in this basque and sexy fishnets at London Astoria’s G-A-Y night on Saturday.

Gordon takes the opportunity to have the first of, what we fear might be many, unsubtle jives at Adele for not conforming to his idea of what's sexy:

She’s obviously been taking notice of the chart battle between ADELE and BASSHUNTER and realised it’s not just good vocals that get you ahead in the music world.

You'd have thought that even Gordon might have thought his story that Amy Winehouse is getting better would have been of a higher priority - although since she's only been in rehab for a couple of days, it seems unlikely that she's in a position yet where the headline ("Amy has cracked it") is anything other than over-optimistic. The story is hung on claims by a "close family friend" but, we suspect, the real meat of the tale is the large chunk in which yesterday's News of the World 'interview' with Blake is torn to pieces:

The family friend also slammed Amy’s jailed husband BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL for saying he fears her habits could kill her within three months.

Blake is in Pentonville Prison in London awaiting trial over trial-fixing allegations and GBH.

The friend went on: “That is a complete joke. Before Amy met Blake she never took any Class A drugs.

“It is him who started her off on crack and heroin.

“She has gone into rehab so she lives to see her thirties, forties and fifties.

“It would destroy her to read his comments."

Ah, the Monday Sun - or "don't believe anything our sister says".

Blake: we're the living dead

You'd have thought being banged up inside would prevent Blake Cokehead-druggie from talking to the papers.

Sadly, not: he's somehow been conducting interviews with the News of the World through an intermediary. Yes, his old ma has been sneaking out his views on his wife going into rehab - presumably she's been hiding scribbed notes under her hat, or else spending visiting hours memorising Blake's responses word-for-word.

Apparently, Blake is "relieved" that Amy has gone into however-much-rehab-she-can-fit-in-before-the-Grammys:

Blake, 25, talking to the News of the World through his devoted mum Georgette, said: "I'm so relieved she has finally taken my advice after I begged her to go into rehab.

"I even threatened her with divorce because I thought it would be the only thing to make her see sense.

"My parents have both pleaded with me to divorce Amy and I told her so before she finally agreed to go in for treatment.

"They think she's the Black Widow who will be the death of me if I don't end our marriage. But I'd prefer to have a short life with Amy than a long life without her."

Those of you who are left caring - and we suspect that's probably just a couple of people who work for Universal, immediate family and the deputy editor of Heat - might recall that the last time we heard from "sources close to Blake", he was muttering about divorce because of her Christmas trip with her ex.

So, curiously, here we are, with Blake's Mum telling a newspaper what she claims Blake says that she'd told him in the first place. We like to think that, on B Wing at the moment, Crusher Knobs is listening as Blake reads aloud those same words in the paper, completing some sort of mystic circle.

Blake's mum says Blake says that he was worried by Amy continuing to take crack:

"Prison has saved me. But if Amy goes back on crack again I will be lucky if my wife's alive in three months."

This, of course, gives the News of the World its headline:

Amy Winehouse has three months to live, says Blake

... a not-very-subtle rewriting of what he actually said.

This all seems to be part of an attempt by Blake to try and reposition himself - hitherto, he's been cast as the villain; now, he's having a shot at turning himself into a contrite hero. Yes, we took drugs, he says, but I've got clean inside - while Amy has got worse outside. Worse, you see. Can't have been my fault, I've not been there; I've been pleading with her to get help.

We'd find it more convincing if he hadn't been telling the News of the World about it.

Amy Winehouse: so lovely that somebody cares

So, Winehouse is in rehab, as - it seems - a contractual obligation, seeing as how it's Universal Records that has issued the official statement:

Amy Winehouse's planned appearance at the NRJ Awards in France on Saturday has been cancelled as the artist has entered a rehabilitation clinic.

Amy decided to enter the facility today after talks with her record label, management, family and doctors. She has come to understand that she requires specialist treatment to continue her ongoing recovery from drug addiction and prepare for her planned appearance at the Grammy Awards. She is nominated in an incredible 6 categories.

Amy entered the facility by mutual agreement and continues to receive the full support of all concerned.

Amy is the most talented and important musical artist of her generation and has made huge strides on her road to recovery. Universal Music Group wants nothing more than to see her take the time she needs to come back to full health and fulfil her incredible potential with the label.

The label has always had the best interests of Amy at heart and has been guided by her family and doctors in the last few months as to the best direction to take.

All concerned feel that Amy must put her health before all other considerations and will be by her side whenever and wherever they are needed.

Fascinating, isn't it? The claim that she is "the most talented and most important musical artist of her generation" (really? The Most? And is this really the place for vacuous and clearly spurious marketing slogans?); the hopeful description of the rehab as part of an "ongoing" recovery, but most notably, that false concern.

Universal want her to "take the time she needs" but, at the same time, has made it clear she's gone to rehab to get into a decent state to do the marketing jig at the Grammys. In other words, she can have about a week and a half, but then back to work.

That doesn't seem like anything like enough - even in patients who aren't using crack and coke to self-medicate other problems, the withdrawal cravings can continue for weeks, with a high-risk of relapsing. Even if Amy's withdrawal is simple, it's hardly helpful to insist that she be sorted out by a cut-off point.

There hangs a suspicion that this spell in rehab is more about getting Amy a visa than getting Amy clean. If that isn't the case, Universal should be ashamed for issuing a "take all the time you need - providing it's not more than a fortnight" public statement.

Gordon in the morning: I'm in charge

Is it just us, or does the byline on the Winehouse goes to rehab tale speak of some sort of background scuffle?

By GORDON SMART,
Bizarre Editor,
and PETE SAMSON,
Deputy Bizarre Editor

A source close to the story told us: "Gordon wasn't going to sit by and not have his byline on the big story yet again, but Pete insisted that if he shared his byline, he wanted to get his job title into it." Actually, we made up that source and are only guessing that's what led to such a cock-waving heading, but our understanding of tabloid journalism allows us to guess and attribute it to a source.

The amusing thing is, despite all the editorial firepower, Amy going into rehab is considered a lot less key to the paper, which instead splashes online and in the paper with the claims that Ashley Cole supposedly cheated on Cheryl Cole (or had a "“wild” sex romp", of course - according to the rompee Aimee Walton).

Indeed, even the Bizarre website gives greater prominence to Caroline Iggulden's claims that Britney Spears' uncle says she "never had a chance".

The uncle is William Spears, who claims to be in a position to know:

“I’m not just a family friend or someone who claims to know them. I was there every day, working with them. I have seen all the terrible things happen.”

William - or, um, Road Kill Willie as he's apparently known - talked to the The Sun in the luxury of his static caravan, offering the claim that Britney snuck a bottle of booze away from a family party when she was 13 before speculating that perhaps she's cursed because she has the same middle name as her late grandmother, and concluding:

She was a sweet young girl but as she grew up and saw the violence, the alcohol and everything, she became what she saw - as mean and hard-drinking as the rest of the family.

“That kind of childhood would make anyone unstable. It did with me.

“If people think she has reached the bottom, they are very wrong. Suicide is the bottom line for Britney.”

... and when that happens, he'll be waiting in his caravan to share his thoughts on that, too. Prices available on request.

Kelly Osbourne tells it like it is

Thank god Amy Winehouse has a friend like Kelly Osbourne, who really cares about her. Cares enough to selflessly talk to the media about how much she cares:

I talk straight. I don't just say, 'Look Amy, you're just fantastic.' I say, 'Amy, you have a problem. I'm here when you are ready to deal with it.'

"I'm not going to tell her to go to rehab. She's not an idiot, she knows what her problem is."

Thank god Kelly - alone amongst the world apart from everybloodyone else - is able to tell Amy she's got a problem. Where else would Winehouse hear that (except for from every newspaper, Bryan Adams, any half-bit celeb keen to take the flashlight off their own problems) if not from Kelly?

Winehouse: Give me temperance - but not yet

With Gordon presumably still following the Spice Girls round America, Pete Samson is again filing the big story for Bizarre - we wonder if he spins round in Gordo's chair, too. This morning, the Ed Balls of the Bizarre cabinet has an unsourced story which builds on the Israeli rehab story the paper was pushing last week, claiming that Amy is going to go off to rehab-lite. But not before a "big Christmas blowout". Which would be like a new year resolution, presumably.

The two stories actually don't make sense together, though: last week Gordon was suggesting Amy was reluctant rehabber - hence the trip to the Israel clinic where rehab lasts only a week (the course; we imagine the clean time isn't as long as that); this week Pete Samson is saying she's keen.

Odd.

Meanwhile, Ringo Starr is worried about Amy, too:

“God Bless Amy. She’s a great talent and she’s going through a situation right now.

“It’s a very public destruction. The good news is that there’s more help around now than before.”

It's true that - back in the 60s it took a lot of organisation to get yourself destructing; now, it's easier than ever to dabble, snort, smack and generally befuck yourself. In some companies, it's even tax deductible.

Spears family Thanksgiving checklist: turkey, cranberries, pumpkin, ropes of love

What better way to spend Thanksgiving than holding a second intervention in your daughter's life?

Apparently, the Spears family are hoping that the holiday spirit will persuade Britney that it's time to try to kick... well, everything. And, of course, they might be able to pick up a bargain twelve-step session in the Thanksgiving Sales.

Doherty: He's so very, very sorry.

That smack apology in full:

"Peter Doherty would like to apologise to the medical staff, fans and wellwishers who have helped and encouraged his progress in fighting his addiction to heroin.

"His ongoing rehabilitation was a source of such pride to him that Peter and those closest to him thought that he was close to winning his personal battle with the drug. However, Peter sadly relapsed last week and is now looking to check himself back into a rehab clinic so that he can try to continue the hitherto excellent attempts he had made to break free of heroin.

"He realises that he has not only let himself down but has let down those who trusted and encouraged his efforts and he is filled with remorse for what he describes today as 'a stupid, stupid action for which I feel only shame'."

Oddly, though, this feeling of remorse only came after The Sun published video of him doing drugs on Tuesday, and not anytime before that. Presumably he spent the weekend not full of remorse then?

As Mr. Geerts, my old headmaster used to say: You're only sorry you got caught.

We also note Doherty's only "looking to" return to rehab.