real or fantasy?

someone once told me
that love is only a fairy tale
and i believed him
until i met you
... whoever you are

Lonesome Feelings

I really hate feeling like this. I've always had a hard time dealing with the loneliness that I feel whenever good friends get into serious relationships. I end up trying to dissect these emotions so I can figure out where they're coming from. Am I jealous? I suppose it's possible. I'm certainly not jealous that I'm not with that girl, whoever she may be. Sure, there have been instances in the past where I had a romantic interest in a female friend who then started dating another guy but I've felt like this when the girl involved was someone that I never thought I would ever want a relationship with. It's not that I'm jealous of the guy for dating that specific girl. Even if I was interested in that girl, there are plenty of other girls out there and I'm not going to get hung up on one that doesn't have any interest in me. That would just be stupid. No, I guess what I'm feeling is an emptiness that stems from not having someone for myself. It's times like this that it almost seems hopeless. I realize that this is rather whiny and annoying. I tend to roll my eyes when other people complain about this issue but it's a real concern.

When I had my final interview with my mission president (and I'm sure every mission president says pretty much the same thing to every missionary) I was told that my next big objective in life, other than education and occupation, is to get married. As the years go by, I cycle through a series of emotions related to this objective.

There's the hope that there's someone who will eventually marry me. That leads to the drive that has me muster up the courage to ask girls out on dates (which leads to a host of emotions in and of itself: nervous, hopeful, excited, happy, frustrated...).

Then there's nothing. I generally have fun on dates but so far there hasn't been anything there. Sometimes I try to convince myself that there's the possibility of something special developing but it never actually happens. The one time I thought it did it just led to a year and a half in an empty relationship that ended it heartache.

After that drive, when I've exhausted all the energy it had to offer and people start to pair off and I'm still left on the sidelines, there's loneliness. Is it because there's no one for me? Certainly not! But it often feels that way. Even though I'm feeling rather lonely right now, I've not exhausted all my options yet. The issue that I'm facing right now is a lack of time.

After the loneliness comes apathy. I stop letting my emotions get the best of me. I just stop caring about the issue all together. Why should I let it bother me? I've tried my best to find someone and it hasn't happened. I'm not ready to get married yet anyway.

When I finally get over those emotions that seemed so crippling and start to feel like myself again, after the apathy, I start to feel hope. It's a vicious cycle and there's no end in sight...

Why do I feel?

*Why, oh why do I let myself feel?
*I told myself not to do it but I did anyway.
*That's the last time I ignore my own advice.
-Who do you think you're fooling, David?
-Deep down, you're a hopeless romantic.
-And what reason do you have to hope anyway.
-You've never been the best looking, the smartest, the most athletic, or the most fun to be around.
-Who would really want to spend time with you when there are so many better choices out there.
*Now, that's devil's talk.
*I may not be the best around but according to my friends, I'm a pretty awesome fellow.
-You don't have any friends, nobody likes you! (sorry, I couldn't resist)
-Who are you kidding?
-They're just saying that to be nice.
-Nobody really wants to spend time with you.
*Ouch!
*Your powers of persuasion are great.
*You almost have me convinced.
*But I'm not going to let you do this to me.
-But doesn't it hurt to feel this way?
-Wouldn't it make you feel better to get angry and retaliate?
-Wouldn't you like to blame someone for the way you feel.
-After all, it's not your fault.
-You didn't do anything wrong.
*You're right, I didn't do anything wrong.
*But neither did anyone else.
*So, why start now with blaming other people for how I feel?
*Maybe it's not my fault, but it's not theirs either.
*These things just happen sometimes.
-But what about the pain?
*It's still there.
*I'll try my best to weed it out and eventually, I'll succeed.
*One thing's for sure: I don't need you're help to do it.
*The only thing you'll do is make it worse.
-Doesn't it hurt though?
*Yes, it does.
*But maybe that's not such a bad thing.
-Of course it's a bad thing.
-How could it possibly be a good thing?
*If I never felt sad, how would I know how great it is to feel happy?