Married Life! YES!!!

It's been a year since I went on my first date with the woman who would become the love of my life: Adria Jensen. Neither of us knew it then, nor would we have guessed it, but a lot can happen in a year. The truth is that I was hesitant; I was afraid. I was afraid of getting hurt but even more than that, I was afraid of hurting Adria. I didn't want to start pursuing her, have her fall for me, and then break her heart. So I just avoided the whole thing all together for as long as I could. But there came a time when I couldn't avoid my feelings anymore. I knew I was attracted to Adria and I knew that if I pursued a relationship with her we'd get married and that it would happen fairly quickly. It took some time but we started spending time together. She made excuses to visit me in Logan and I made excuses to visit her in Centerville. But I just couldn't come to terms with what I was feeling for her. I had some emotional baggage that for some reason I just couldn't let go. Eventually, I realized that the emotional baggage that I was carrying was making me miserable, while the thought of spending time with Adria was making me happy. I didn't notice the smile she put on my face at first, but when I did I knew there was no going back. It's now been nearly two months since we got married and it's been the happiest time in my life thus far. Marrying Adria Ann Jensen was the best decision I've ever made in my entire life. If you ask her, I'm sure she'd agree ;-)

The letter that I can't bring myself to send...

Dear ________,

I sincerely hope I haven't hurt you, but I fear that my hopes are in vain. By now you know that I've moved on and found someone else. I've put aside the candle that I was previously holding in hopes that I could use it to reignite the flame that I thought once existed between us. Brief though it was, you and I had something once. When it started, I thought it would last forever. I wanted it to last forever. I was so ecstatic when it happened that I wanted the whole world to know about it. Please forgive me for not understanding why you didn't. As devastated as I was when you ended our relationship, I'l be lying if I said it came as a complete surprise to me. I had plenty of subtle and obvious cues that told me you were dissatisfied. I simply chose to ignore them because I didn't want to believe it could end.

I eventually came to terms with it being over and just had to move on with my life. I often feel guilty for leaving you behind and I hope you will forgive me. I only ever wanted to make you happy and I do hope that I was able to put a smile on your face at least once but I now realize that you and I just aren't as compatible as I once thought we were. I sincerely hope you find someone else as I have. She's simply perfect for me and we're planning on getting married in May.

As badly as I wanted it to work out between you and me, I'm now glad that it didn't. You are a wonderful lady, but just not the lady for me. I'm certain that you will find someone who is perfect for you and I hope you recognize that when he appears. You deserve to be happy. You will someday make a some guy out there a very happy man. I wish you all the best.

Sinceriously,
David A. Baron

More Than Just a Headache

I've been wanting to write this one for a while but I always struggle for the right words. I hope that this will help some people understand the physical and emotional pain that accompany migraine attacks.

For as long as I can remember I've suffered from frequent headaches. As a child, they prevented me from participating in sports and other extracurricular activities for much more than a year. I eventually just decided to tough it out pushed through the pain so that I could do things like showing livestock in 4-H and playing percussion in the school band. I remember quite well those days when I was in high school and would immediately take a nap that lasted at least an hour upon returning home. Whether it was at the end of a normal day or after a tiresome marching band practice in 90+ degree weather with oppressive humidity, I had to take that nap before I could do any homework, or indeed anything at all.

It wasn't until I was in high school that I was diagnosed with migraine. They did all sorts of tests on me to rule out some of the more severe possibilities (such as brain tumor) that might explain why I was always getting headaches. The doctors all concluded that I was in perfect health with the exception of the frequent sensation that my brain was trying to escape the confines of my cranium with the use of an icepick. I even got my eyes checked and discovered that I have perfect vision in one eye and better than perfect in the other.

For the longest time, even after being diagnosed, I thought I was just hopelessly lazy or unreliable. This was, and sometimes still is, the cause of much grief for me. Imagine knowing there is a task you must complete but being entirely unable to do so because you cannot keep your eyes open without experiencing great pain. Imagine telling your friends that you won't be hanging out with them because you have a terrible headache. Imagine telling your mother or father that you can't help them with household chores or join them for a special family outing because you feel like your brain has switched to using a jackhammer instead of an icepick. Imagine having to cancel a date because you feel like your head will just explode. Imagine going through life feeling like everything would be so much better if you could just figure out a way to live without your head.

Consequently, living with migraines is more than just the physical pain that accompanies an attack. It's depressing. I don't know how many times I've been accused of faking it or been told that I'm letting everyone down. I suppose that in my case it hasn't happened too often. Most people with whom I associate seem to be understanding and even empathetic toward my condition. But there are those times when I just want to shove my fingers into some people's eyeballs so they can start to get a feeling for what it's like to suffer from a migraine.

A year in review...

What can I say about 2010? It started out really crappy, got super awesome somewhere in the middle, and ended rather mediocre. I guess mediocre is a few steps up from really crappy but it feels really crappy after super awesome. That's pretty much all I have to say about that.

To my anonymous commenter: I'm not quite sure what to say. I have my suspicions regarding your identity but somehow I feel like I would still be quite surprised were I ever to find out. Your words are both a blessing and a curse. Part of me wants to explain why but I suspect that you'll understand.

A brief collection of brief things

1. My jumbled word won't fill the page
   The actors all have left the stage
   Malignant love will take its toll
   Gilead's hate has cured my soul
   

2. only time will tell
   so the saying goes
   but who told time
   all the secrets it knows?
   

3. where do i belong
   who will hear my song
   you all know my name
   but don’t know who I am
   

4. the world is all the same
   and i don’t have a name
   a face within a crowd
   your opinion’s not allowed
   did anybody guess
   that you would make this mess
   you took me for a ride
   then left me here to die
   my thoughts alone remain
   but i don’t have a name
   

5. I am a square peg at a round hole;
   Wanting to fit in but unable.
   The circles and spheres motion for me to enter.
   “Come in,” they all say, “we’re having such fun!”
   But I’m unable to enter.
   And so I sit and wait for someone to come out to me.
   

6. with the wind in my back
   and the sun in my face
   my heavy eyes close
   and my heavy heart soars
   

7. is it love or is it hate
   that turns your black-heart carousel
   is it chance or is it fate
   that leads me to your door
   

8. You invaded my dreams and conquered my heart.
   I was foolish to resist your onslaught.
   But I was too afraid to lower my defenses.
   Somehow you found the chink in my armor that allowed your love to breach my outer wall.
   I’ve surrendered my heart to you.
   But now it is unclear whether you want the spoils of your victory.
   
   
   Note: Some of these are old and some are new. They are in no particular order.

Out of sight, out of mind: the story of my life (or that's the way it seems)

Last week I came to a disturbing realization. It seems to me that as soon as I have left the presence of my friends, or shortly thereafter, they have a tendency to forget that I exist. When I try to contact them, they don't reciprocate my attempts to keep our friendship alive. I suppose there's probably a logical explanation for it but I can't help but wonder at how little effort it takes these days to keep in touch with friends and yet people don't do it. There are of course exceptions to this and perhaps I should just be grateful for that. On the other hand, some of those friendships which have seemingly fallen by the wayside were those that I cherished most. It's always hardest when I need a friend but can't find one to whom I can turn. I suppose I probably don't have much room to complain about this. It's entirely possible that at some point I've been the one who has forgotten a friend who has tried to reach out to me. I hope that's not the case but I can't be too sure. Eventually, if my attempts at contact go unanswered I begin to fear that I'm just being a nuisance and I stop trying. It's very upsetting to me to realize how often this happens. I suppose that perhaps I get attached far too easily for my own good...

floccinaucinihilipilification

Every now and then there comes a person in your life who is quite suddenly an incredibly good friend. But far too often it seems that the friendship is over just as suddenly as it began. We might wonder exactly what went wrong and why the friendship failed. Was it something I did or did the other party simply decide to floccinaucinihilipilificate my friendship? (I know it's a big word but I recently learned it and I just wanted to use it. Besides, if you're reading this then you have access to Google and you can look it up!)

One such experience recently happened to me. There was an individual that I considered to be a very good friend whom I could talk to about pretty much anything. Recently, for reasons unknown to me, this person stopped talking to me. To be sure, I tried on multiple occasions to initiate a conversation but it was never reciprocated. To wrap things up, I confronted the person in question to inquire why I was being ignored and was accused of being rude in response. I asked for an explanation but received none.

As of now, all lines of communication between the two of us have been broken. I'm not entirely sure why I decided to put this out there. I guess that maybe I'm just looking for closure. I like to think that I'm the type of person that will give my friendship freely and will never take it back unless someone that I call "friend" turns his or her back on me. Perhaps that is who I am and perhaps not. My opinion on the matter is rather biased but I can't think of any instance where I turned away from a friend who didn't first turn away from me.

To my former friend:
I doubt you will ever read this but in case you ever do, I forgive you. I have had ill feelings toward you but not anymore. Also, I apologise if I have offended you but do know that I have no idea what it is I may have done nor did I have any intentions of offending you in any way. Even so, I hope you will forgive me. Perhaps someday we can be friends again and perhaps we never will but I wish you no ill will. I hope that you have a long and productive life full of wonderful things because you truly are a wonderful person.