You're Not Invited

We never find out what we are having when we have our kids. I want a surprise on the end of all that work. When I had Ellie I really wanted a boy. While we didn't want to know what we were having when we had the ultrasound, I still saw that it was a girl. Greg didn't believe me. I was so disappointed, but by the time she was born if she had come out a boy I would have been devastated. I had mentally shifted to being ready for a girl.

When I was pregnant with Jack I didn't see anything on the ultrasound. My pregnancy was so much like Ellie's that I was convinced it was a girl. And I really wanted another girl. I knew how to do girls. Ellie was so yummy that I wanted another one. I already had all the clothes, they could share a room, and I had a gazillion cute girl names picked out. It would have been very convenient. But most of all, I wanted a girl so that Ellie could have a sister.

I have been reminded of the sisterly bond as I have read the Nie Nie dialogues and her sister Courtney's blog. What would they have done without each other? It never amazes me the bond they have and in many ways I am jealous. How awesome would it be to talk daily with someone who has your same genetic pool and upbringing? The connection that sisters can have is truly amazing to me. I have often wondered why it can't exist outside of the family circle. I realize that friendships between women can be very strong, but I have never found one that is stronger than a sister to sister relationship.

People often ask us how many children we want. On bad days I say we are done (you can all relate), but most of the time I answer with a fairly high number. Greg is not as sure, but I always tell him that I want a lot of kids so my kids have a lot of siblings. I already have all of their genders picked out - God willing - and the girls outnumber the boys. Don't get me wrong, I love my boy. He is the pea in my pod, but I want my Ellie to have sisters, and lots of them. Is that so wrong?

I have been thinking on this subject for some time in anticipation of this day. It comes every year. Sadness no longer consumes me as it did 17 years ago, but it was a day that has defined my life everyday since then. It's the day that marks the anniversary my sister lost her battle with childhood leukemia. In many ways I'm glad I had no idea at the time of what I was really loosing. My heart had time to heal before that was realized. In that, the Lord was merciful. However, I have often wondered how things would be different if Katie were still here. Would she be married? How many kids would she have? Where would she be living? Would we look a like? Would we chat daily on the phone, like the same things, go on vacations together? I wonder.

I have often heard it said that righteous desires that are not fulfilled here on earth will be that much more glorious in the next life. I am not ready to find out yet. I still have way too many things I want to do here. But please do excuse Katie and me when you see us having the best time together catching up. Don't be jealous. Know that we love you and value you all dearly, but this party is exclusive- sisters only.

In Good Company

To say that we as mothers do not struggle on a daily basis to remain patient and calm and love our children at all times, is an understatement. There are definitely times that are easier than others. I was so glad to read this post today. I thought it was worthy to pass on to all you other great moms out there. (It is her December 4th entry).

Home for the Holidays

The room is warm.

Beautiful angelic music plays in the background.

A sweet cinnamon scent waifs through the air.

Light snow is falling outside.

Children's laughter can be heard as they snuggle into bed.

Christmas lights twinkle with anticipation -

of a saving Life to be born and all wishes fulfilled.

Bacon? Chicken? It's all the Same!

There are ranges of emotion in a mothers life - many coming fast and furious, several in a day. This weekend has been no exception. The source - my first born. I love this girl to pieces. She brings me my greatest joy and at times my greatest frustration and sadness. Like last night for example. She wanted to watch a movie. The only approved TV watching on Sunday in our house are things we call "Jesus movies". She can watch anything that revolves around the Savior and church. By 8pm (aah, probably a reason for the problem) she was having none of that. It was 101 Dalmatians or bust. And bust she did.

The amount of rage and frustration someone in such a little body can exhibit is truly amazing. At times I find it comical and have to hide my smirks. Last night the opposite occurred. I found myself tearing up, but then pulled it together to take control of the situation. Someone had to be the parent. Please give me credit for not totally loosing it. In retrospect, I'm proud of how I handled the situation. It ended neatly with reading books together in bed and with many "I love yous" being said. All seems to be back to normal this morning.

While situations like these occur often I'm glad they do not overshadow the great moments of parenting. My favorites have to be when your child repeats something you often say, but think it goes unnoticed. Saturday brought the best of these out.

Greg and I went to the temple. We had to drive separate cars because he needed to go to work after to catch up on some things. As we were pulling out of the driveway Ellie was asking why daddy was in a different car. I told her it was because he had to go to work after mommy and daddy went to the temple.

To this she replied - very matter of factly,

"Oh, so he can bring home the chicken."

That's my girl!

There is a reason....

........we call this kid Jack Jack.

Thanks Dear

My ever so lovely husband took the kids to hang out with friends so I could get some Christmas stuff done. Unfortunately, this is the state of the house he left me....

We had friends over for dinner - always fun, always a big clean-up.

An "orderly" new state for the books, per Ellie

I wish I could rely on this one for some help....

..but I'm not counting on it. I'll take the company though.

Abortion

“If it seems more horrible to kill a man in his own house than in a field, … it ought surely to be deemed more atrocious to destroy a fœtus in the womb before it has come to light.” John Calvin

There are a few things that can cause my blood pressure to rise and this is one of them. The right to choose argument has NEVER made any sense to me. Therefore, you can imagine my extreme happiness when THIS article appeared in our church's monthly magazine for October. The LDS church is pro-life and I love how Elder Nelson has addressed this topic.

I'd like to briefly discuss some of my favorite points:

1. The right to choose was taken when the act to create life was entered into. Basically, when one decides to have sex, there is the choice. It has always boggled my mind as to why this never seems to be brought up when discussing this issue. It should come as no surprise to anyone that sex=baby.

In discussing this with Greg he played the devil's advocate for sake of argument. He said that a woman can complain that she has the right to terminate the pregnancy because she carries the full burden of having the child and the guy is long gone. Thus arguing he has all the fun and none of the responsibility. I can see that point, but again, when the act was performed the woman knew she was the only one at risk of getting pregnant. I have also thought what a wonderful thing it would be if we as women would band together and instead of acting like the victims - like the ones whose rights have been taken away - rise above and take responsibility for our actions where the men may not. I can think of no greater act of honesty and responsibility a woman could perform in her life then to claim the life created and protect it at any cost. Just think of the actual power that would create among women.

2. Adoption. This too is rarely discussed in pro-choice circles. To me this is a win win win situation. (A) The mother takes responsibility for her decision to enter into a situation that created life, (B)the unborn child is allowed to come to earth and get a body as well as enter into a loving home with a mother and father, and (C)couples who cannot have children are blessed with a child to nurture and love.

3. "To deny life to an individual because of a possible handicap is a very serious matter. Policy consistent with that logic would dictate that those already living with such deficiencies should likewise be terminated. One more step in that tragic train of thought would lead to the conclusion that those who are either infirm or inconvenient should also be eliminated. Such irreverence for life would be totally unthinkable!"

I love this paragraph in the article. ALL life is important and sacred to God and should be treated as such by us.

With the upcoming election I have watched and read about many topics of interest to the American people. All hold importance in our lives. All will have reaching effects in our futures. However, I truly believe that unless we are a nation who takes responsibility for the most innocent among us - those who are truly without a voice, the solutions for other problems facing us will never present themselves. I have little hope for people budgeting their money correctly, cleaning up the earth, or defending against any form of evil that seeks to destroy us if we do not respect our own bodies and the bodies of others - born and unborn.

The In-Laws

My in-laws came to visit a week ago. For some, I know that might not be a good thing in their life, but I can honestly say I LOVED having them here. They are such great people and I get along with them really well. I was a bit apprehensive about having to fill the time with them everyday for a week, but it went by so fast and was so easy. I've decided to document why I like each of them so much.

Bill:

My father-in-law is about the most chipper and happiest guy I know. He is really easy going and just happy with whatever we do. He is so easy to talk to and great with my kids. We went to the Botanical Gardens one day and he was always getting lost because he was reading every sign about every plant. I just had to chuckle because it made the stories that Greg has told me of there childhood and being in Europe where Bill would stop at every marker that told of some historical fact for them to read, come to life. I can't imagine all that he must know. I definitely do not have that trait. If it's not quick and to the point, I move on.

I am very grateful to him for his positive traits that he has passed on to his son. I see a lot of Bill in Greg and I don't think there could be a better compliment to a father than that his son tries to be like him and is in many ways.

Coy Ann:

I can rest assured that probably no one else has my mother-in-laws name. It is very unique, but I love it. I'm going to be very straight forward and say that I really love my mother-in-law. I know not all women feel that way about their mother-in-law, but I do. She is a very matter of fact lady, but not in a judgemental way. That is one of the traits I love about her. She doesn't like to gossip, but if you ask her about something and she has an opinion, she'll tell you. I really respect that in her.

One of my favorite memories about her is when she and Bill came to visit right after I had Ellie. Since Ellie was in the hospital we had to go and visit her everyday. I had Ellie on a Tuesday and this exchange probably happened on a Friday. My mom had dropped Coy Ann and I off at the front of the hospital since I was still in a lot of pain and not really up to walking very far. I was not walking really well either and would kind of shuffle along bent over a bit. As we were walking in she very matter-of-factly told me that I was walking like I had a load in my pants. Most women would not have found that comment humorous, but to this day I just laugh and think it was the funniest thing. She was right in a lot of ways. She wasn't saying it to be rude, she was just making a statement - saying what was on her mind and I love her for that.

I had the best time chatting with her while they were here and learning about her family and the way she grew up. She is the oldest of 7 children and lived on a farm for much of her life. She knows how to work and values the things they have been blessed with. She is frugal and very conscious about money. I love that.

She was kind enough to help me with my Halloween costume. She is an amazing seamstress and I am grateful for how patient she was with me and willing to help.

If it's any gage to how much they mean in Greg and my life, we both got pretty teary when they pulled away off to visit Doug and Tiff in Texas. I rarely see Greg that emotional. It's a true testament to the great people they are.

Thanks Bill and Coy Ann for the amazing week. Please come back soon!

CLARIFICATION

It's been very interesting reading your responses to my last post. Not all were necessarily positive to my new approach. That's good. I respect that. But I feel clarification is in order.

1). In no way am I saying not to blog about your life. If you don't blog about your life, than really what is there to blog about? I still intend to blog about my life, just not on the skimming the surface level I felt like I was doing before. Did you read the, all be it, random example I gave? I hope to tell you what I did, as well as tell you how I felt. I'm hoping to be a bit deeper than I was before.

2). In no way am I dictating how you should write your blog. I was simply stating what I wish more people would do. It's your blog and you have the right to do with it what you would like. If it's fulfilling the purpose you wish it to in your life, than be fine with that and move forward. I do recall saying that blogs fulfill a multitude of purposes.

3). I have no intention, nor do I hope, that my blog will be a negative venting spot. I just hope it's something that is more truthful and true to who I am and how I feel (so on occasion it may have a negative tone). There will obviously be things I will not share here in this forum. Somethings are to be kept to self and shared in a journal only for you. I just hope to connect with my fellow bloggers - most of whom are my friends in real life separated by great distances - on a level I feel I've lost.

4). No matter what your style of blogging, I will still check in on you and leave comments now and then. You are my friends after all and I am extremely loyal. If you ever doubt that, just ask my husband who has seen me truly mourn the loss or lack of reciprocation from those I hold dear. Nothing pains me more, so I would never intentionally do it to another.

(Big Sigh)

O.K.. Can we move forward now?

A New Direction

Let's face it, I'm bored to pieces with my blog. To be honest, it's become more of a burden then a creative fun outlet for me to share things with my cyber friends. In all truthfulness, do you all REALLY care what I did last weekend, week, month, etc.? I'd have to say no. Why you say? Because to be totally honest I don't really care what most people did last weekend, week, month, etc.. (Sorry to be so harsh, but you were asking why.)

Now I realize that blogs serve a multitude of purposes. Many use it as a form of a journal which I think is great for them. Heaven knows my journaling skills are sub par to no- existent at all, so for that reason I'm grateful to the blog.

That being said, I still think that the "journal" blogs aren't really truthful. I mean I realize you went to the fair and that your child had a great time riding the elephant, but what did you really think of the fair? Do you deep down secretly hate fairs because really they are a total waste of money and they play on some hidden childhood fear that you have never really taken the time to face?

I know, totally random, but do you get my point?

I want to hear what you are thinking, feeling, fearing, loving, struggling with, triumphing over, bored/excited about, craving, loathing, seeing, hearing, BECOMING.

The blogs I truly enjoy are the ones I read and catch a brief glimpse into the writers soul - who they are and who they are trying to become. They share their true emotions and thus become much more real to me. And being real is something I value and appreciate more than anything. It's the only way we as humans truly connect on a much deeper level.

I had this friend once who was happy all the time. I have NO problem with happy people, but it was how the happiness was conveyed to others that was a real relationship killer in my mind. To her, her life was perfect. Her family was perfect, kids, husband, parents, sisters, brothers, etc. I guess we are all entitled to think that, but when it is at the expense of others, it's hard to handle. She had this way of talking about how perfect everything was in her life that you almost felt foolish or less of a person to convey anything in your life that was less than perfect. And if you did, she would blow it off and go right back to talking about her perfect life. That gets old really fast. Now I don't think we all need to be "Debbie Downers" to connect with others, but I do think we need to be realistic and empathetic. It's o.k. to admit that your kids drive you crazy at times and that you want to run away. I don't think there is a normal mother out there who can fault you for that. But by admitting it, you have connected on a level that doesn't necessarily make others think you are a bad mom, but a real person who has real emotions, struggles, etc.

So, from now on I will no longer be "journaling" about my life as I have in the past. This will be my forum to tell you what I really feel and who, for better or worse, I am becoming.

For a Good Cause....

......would you buy one of these skirts?

How much would you pay?

Oh Brother

Today while in Walmart Ellie saw this guy

on a poster and declared, "Mommy, I like him!"

After taking a double take, a few things ran quickly through my head:

1. You are way too young to start this.

2. I agree that he is very cute.

3. Thank heavens you seem to already like boys!! (a sad but very real feeling for a mom in this day and age.)

Update

To be honest, I've been putting this off because I know it's going to take forever. Where to start,...........we were gone the whole month of August - that seems like a good place.

At the beginning of the month we were blessed to welcome home Greg's parents from their mission for our church. It was great to see them again. They don't look any differently, but we are proud of all they did and the great example they were to all of us.

Greg and Jack waiting - aren't they adorable!

My sister-in-law Robin and I waiting at the airport

WELCOME HOME!!! The whole crew (minus Terri and family,Alex, and Nicole)

Once they were home we headed up to Breckenridge, Colorado to spend a week in a great house doing tons of fun things as a family. We had a great time. I know Ellie was so happy to be with her cousins. She just sobbed when they started leaving.

Our "humble" abode.

Some of the beautiful scenery on our bike ride from Vail to Breckenridge

Our Sunday brunch feast prepared by Ben - yummo!
The ever so talented Morgan who decorated this cake for our Birthday extravaganza.
It's only fitting that THE arm wrestling champion of the world (that's right - world) prepared our BBQ feast.
A big brown bear enjoyed our festivities as well. I actually saw him the night this happened, but didn't have my camera.
The gang rock climbing.

Aunt Terri holding Jack-o

Ellie loved the trail ride we went on. This child has no fear of these big beasts. Funny thing when you think she screams in hysterics when an ant is on her. Will never get that!

Our cute family.

The beautiful David Tilton Family girls

So in love - Doug and Tiff.

Grandpa and Jack

After a week of biking, eating, horseback riding, eating, shopping, eating, swimming, and more eating, we headed back to Missouri. But not before we dropped off Uncle Ben, met his dog Tyson, and visited with our dear friends the Weavers from Michigan.

Ellie, Uncle Ben, and Tyson

The girls and the kids - minus Ethan. Hey, 5 out of 6 is good.

The kids and I were only home for less than 48 hours before found ourselves back in Colorado on our way to Washington to visit my parents for 2 weeks and attend my cousin Ian's wedding. I'll have to update that later or I won't get this post done for another month.

Later.

The Price of Motherhood

While Greg is seeing scenes like this......

I got to do this ......

....for 10 miles.

And then come home and do this.....

.....for an hour in the 90+ degrees.

But fortunately, I have these ...........

.....to keep me company!

My Sweet Girl

Today I had to give a talk in church. I tend to get emotional when I give talks. Not because I'm sad, but because I often invest a lot of time into them and really learn a lot through the Spirit. I actually really appreciate the opportunity to speak because of that.

Well today, as I was relating a story, and was a bit weepy, I saw out of the corner of my eye Ellie coming up to the podium. She first came right underneath the podium and reached up to me holding a wipe for me to dry my tears. When she realized I couldn't reach her, she walked around, handed it to me, and turned right around to go sit back down with her dad.

I was even more touched by her generosity when I found out later she did it all on her own, with no prompting. Greg said she had asked for the wipes and before he knew it she was on her way up to give it to me.

It is moments like these that I am grateful for the example she is to me and I realize that she does love me and care for me. It never ceases to amaze me how perceptive she is to my needs. I am so thankful for the blessing she is to me and that my Heavenly Father has given her to me to raise.

My New Best Friend

So I have been working out like a mad lady ever since I was cleared at my 6 week post baby check-up. I have also been watching what I eat and it has been such a struggle to get the weight off. I'm blaming it on breastfeeding. I know it really helps some, but I think it is keeping me from losing those last 10 lbs.

I have learned over the years that I do not have a body that is going to be stick thin. If I did, I would have an anorexia problem. I love to eat too much, so no worries there. However, I have always wanted to look toned. I have come to realize that I have a very muscular body, it's just covered in a yummy frosting layer of fat. I'm telling you, there is a 6 pack in there somewhere, I can feel it.

During the last few months I have had periodic break downs of discouragement with how hard I feel I've been working without the enemy needle on the scale giving an inch in the negative. Greg keeps reassuring me that I look good and I'm getting there. But come on. That's his job. It doesn't count unless someone who doesn't see you often, or doesn't know your daily agony, comments on how good you look.

When I lost the weight with Ellie I felt like no one noticed. It was so frustrating. But then we ran into an Elder who had served in our ward right after I had Ellie and I hadn't seen him for about a year. He told me I looked great and asked if I had lost weight. Some may have been offended by that, but I walked away telling Greg he was my new favorite Elder. Good for him for noticing.

Well it finally happened again today. I was in my step aerobics class after having run 3 miles when a lady from the class, who I've never talked to before, told me I looked like I had lost 20 pounds (it's only been about 12 pounds, but I'll take 20) since she first saw me start exercising. I wanted to hug her right there and declare her the kindest woman on the planet. I called Greg later to tell him I'd found my new best friend. It was such a pick me up. If nothing else, a motivation to keep going.

101 Prayers

I love our local library. We try and go once a week and check out books, but we also check out videos for free. It's been a great way for Ellie to see some Disney flicks while not having to fork over any cash. I usually get them for her to watch on a rainy day. This week we checked out "101 Dalmatians". She has enjoyed it quite a bit. However, the last few days I had not seen it anywhere. It really wasn't that big of a deal since I knew we hadn't taken it anywhere and I just renewed it online. However, by last night I was concerned that we needed to find it before I forgot about it.

We looked EVERYWHERE. In all the usual as well as not usual places. We had been at it for about an hour and I decided it was time for a little Heavenly Help. I said a quick prayer asking Heavenly Father to help us find it. At that time I got the impression that I should really have Ellie pray for help and use this as a teaching experience in showing her that Heavenly Father really does care about us and will help us with anything. I talked with Greg and he agreed. After pulling her away from her friends outside we brought her in, explained what we were going to do, what she should ask for in her prayer, and then had her pray. When the prayer was over, I looked up and noticed a toy she has that is a dog in a doggy carrier that is in our shelving unit. I said, "Why don't you look in your doggy carrier ("I" thought it made perfect sense for somewhere for a little girl to put a movie about dogs). Greg looked over after I made the suggestion, and sure enough, there on top of the carrier was the movie. The amazing thing was that we had both looked in that shelving unit several times, but somehow missed that one cubical.

I am so grateful that I listened to the Spirit and was able to use this as a great teaching experience for Ellie - and myself. What a true example of the power of prayer.

I'm Exhausted!

This last weekend was a very busy one. I'm glad it's over, but I'm glad for everything that happened. While tiring, it was all very fun and rewarding at the same time.

Friday night - I am the ward food storage specialist and Friday night was our ward canning night. Other than making sure people know about the night, it usually doesn't take a lot of effort on my part. However, since there have been shortages of supplies for the canneries nation wide, the availability of things for my ward members basically changes daily. It's a lot of work to make sure you know what is there so that people don't waste there time coming if there isn't what they want there. This Friday we had supplies, but they didn't have any oxygen absorbers. That made me have to do a mad online search for them resulting in overnighting some from a company in California. While we were limited to 200 cans based on the amount of absorbers I got, I'm glad we did it and had a great turn out.

Saturday morning my neighbor and I went to downtown St. Louis and ran the Susan G. Komen race for the cure 5K. It was a beautiful morning - a titch too hot, but still great weather. We had a great time running together and then went and checked out the rising Mississippi near the arch. It was pretty amazing to see. Unfortunately, I forgot my camera.

Once I got home from the race, it was a crazy whirlwind to get ready for a Garden dinner party I hosted that night. I few months ago we did a service auction in our ward to raise money for the youths camps. I auctioned off a dinner for 3 couples. The weather was perfect and so nice that we had it on our deck. I served shrimp with cocktail sauce and guacamole and salsa with chips for appetizers, then we had grilled chicken with an apricot glaze, curry couscous, green bean salad with feta and cherry tomatoes, and homemade rolls. Since it was Greg's birthday the next day (Sunday) I made this yummy citrus cake with strawberry and cream filling. We had a great time and they all stayed until about 11:30pm.

The table all set for our guest to arrive.

My centerpiece.

The meal.

Our guests: lt. to rt. Dave and Kim Chapman, Erin and Darren Rodabough, Ben and Angela Quinney, and Greg.

Greg and myself with his cake.

Let's just say I didn't do a thing for Greg's actual birthday. I feel kind of bad. He got a grill for Father's Day/birthday so he didn't even open a gift. I'll have to do better next year.

Well, I'm exhausted, so I need to go sleep. Oh yeah, one really great thing was that Jack slept from 10pm to 9am on Sat. into Sunday!!! I broke down and finally gave him a bottle of formula before he went to bed and then some cereal. It's worth it in my mind for sleep like that.

It made me laugh

So there was something very important that happened while we were getting our computer situation figured out that I have neglected to blog about - Jack's Blessing.
We did it the 2nd weekend in March and were so glad to have Greg's sister Terri and brother Doug and family join us for the event. Doug and Tiff and their 5 kids get the "We Know You Really Love Us" award because they drove all the way from Texas, spent one night, and then headed back. Not that we doubt the love from the rest of you - but you know what I mean.
It was a great weekend and we wish all could have stayed longer, but we'll take what we can get.
Anyway, I was looking through the pictures the other day and came across this one of all of us. I took one look at Hayden (the 2nd littlest - other than Jack- close to the center of the photo) and just chuckled. His hair in this picture just made me laugh. You really need to click on the picture to make it bigger so you can really see it. It's just about the cutest think I've ever seen. I love little kids.

Three Dads

Well, this first photo is of my dad. This was taken when my parents were here for Ellie's birthday. I really love my dad. He has done so much for me over my life and I am so thankful to him for it. I especially love that my kids like him. Ellie still only prays for two things - my dad a.k.a Hackl and her Grandpa Tilton. It's quite cute actually. We'll see if she passes that on to Jack.

The father of my children is next on the list. My kids LOVE their dad. I truly am second on the list compared to him. Ellie 9 times our of 10 will always pick her dad over me. The truth be known, I wouldn't have it any other way. I think a dad should be #1 in any girls life and I hope it stays that way forever for her - with me as a very very close 2nd of course. On the flip side, I hope I'm #1 for Jack. It's only fair, right?

Due to the computer meltdown earlier this year and their 2 year absence, I don't have a picture of my father-in-law handy. But, this hat worn my Ellie really sums him up. He is always wearing a hat like this. We are so excited for him and my mother-in-law to come home from their mission in August. We can't wait to introduce them to Jack and get reacquainted. They are both such great people and have raised a wonderful son whom I'm very privileged to be married to. I hope you have a great Father's Day Bill.

I love all of these wonderful men in my life. How blessed I am.