Today I'm feeling down. I'm sad that I don't have a new baby to hold and love and watch grow. This has actually been the major source of sadness in my life, but today I feel it more acutely. That's what happens every time I get my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, I could be pregnant. And then to find out I am not is very discouraging. And you would think it would get easier each time the result is negative. To be honest, I am embarrassed to admit that I even take pregnancy tests anymore. I am even embarrassed to admit it to my husband (who is very supportive and loving and a little bit sad each time I do). Why do I even keep them in the house? Oh yeah, because they only cost $1 at Dollar Tree, and I can stock up every few months. But finding out that I'm not pregnant through a pregnancy test seems to make it even worse (because, as noted above, my hopes are higher).
So, after almost 3 1/2 years of hoping for a baby, an ectopic pregnancy, years of fertility treatments, and 2 failed IVF cycles, you would think I would have the faith and ability to move on with my life. But I can't seem to let it go. No matter how hard I try. That is why I am going to try IVF again.
I have decided that instead of keeping it all to myself, I would share the experience on my blog. When I was deciding whether or not to do IVF, I would have liked to read something like this. So hopefully when you have to decide whether or not to do it, or you have a friend or family member going through it, you will understand just a little bit more about the process. As a side note, the typical protocol did not work for me, so mine is a little different than they might normally do (I am doing the antagonist cycle).
So while I wait for my start date, here are my supplies. Occupying my refrigerator and cupboards. Wish me luck and send some prayers our way.
