I so am in trouble!

Take a close look at this face:


And this face:(totally awesome stink eye right?)
and this face:

Notice anything similar?

I do.

This is a face that I see regularly.
On a daily basis really.
This is the face of my 16 month old who acts like he is two.
The terrible two's to be exact.
He is a master at tantrums.
He has had tantrums sense he was 8 months old.
He is a green eyed monster if others have something that he wants. Or if, heaven forbid, his Mommy is holding another child.
He is very stubborn.
Once he sets his mind to something he will not stop until he gets it.
He refuses to hold my hand when we are out walking somewhere. If I do hold his hand I end up having to pick him up because he will immediately go boneless and fall to the ground.
He FREAKS if he gets sun in his eyes, but refuses to wear sunglasses.
He gets mad when I get him dressed or try to comb his hair.
He throws major tantrums over cookies. I think I have decided that I can't buy them anymore, just to stop the crying at the pantry door.
He is super attached to his binky. Heaven help me when we try to take it away!
He refuses to use his signs even though I know he knows them, and he knows that I know that he knows them. Usually I know what he wants and he knows that I know what he wants but I really really want him to communicate in some way other than pointing and crying. (did you catch all that)

This super winy phase is wearing my patience down. The day is soon coming that I am going to just walk away from his uber tantrums and not look back. I would use timeouts if I thought he was old enough to understand them. I am really trying to not give in to these behaviors but he is so much more focused and driven than Sydney ever was at this age. I really should not compare them but I don't think Sydney threw a real full on tantrum until she was about 2 1/2 years old.

One the other hand he has a super cute pouty face.

Because that stubborn streak that he has when applied he can do things that amaze me. He is obsessed with letters and knows about half of this alphabet and several of the letters sounds.

I have lost track of all the new words that he says, he is talking so much!!
He LOVES food and uses a spoon and fork like a pro.
He loves to color and thinks that when he is coloring that he is writing letters. As he colors he shouts out random letters and then looks up at me to make sure that I see him writing. It is very cute.
He loves music. Always has. The very first time I felt him move in my tummy was when I was singing to the radio, and I knew we would have a music lover in this little second born of mine.

And when he is happy the light in his big blue eyes and his bright smile just knock me flat.


Oh how I love this little boy of mine!!

Yes I am in trouble, deep trouble!

Check out....

my very first wedding shoot. It was awesome and nerve wracking all at the same time! You can see pictures here on my photography blog and here on my photography facebook page.

Black Eye's and Sparkly Teeth

Sydney loves her "sparkly tooth", she talks about it all the time and constantly feels the urge to go and look at it in the mirror. It is kind of funny to catch her making faces in the mirror as she looks in her mouth at her sparkly new tooth. She also loves to show it to random people. She has showed it to her friends, family, cousins and Grandparents. My daughter is not shy or self conscious at all.

After we got to see Sydney after her teeth got fixed we noticed those two purple spots under Sydney's eye, they almost looked like bruises. I am not sure what they came from exactly, but I think it must be from her tape allergy. Sydney gets very bad rashes from medical tape and I think that they had her eye taped shut while she was under anesthesia. She had a tape shaped rash for about 24 hours after her procedure all around her eye. I just thought it was weird because I have never seen the purple bruise spots from tape before.She makes me laugh! (please ignore the sad state of the bath tub. Bath tub crayons and I have a love/hate relationship)
Brock got his first black eye on Saturday. We were all playing ball together(Brock's favorite thing to do) and Brock was chasing after one of the balls. He bent down to pick it up and hit his eye on the corner of the kids table. It was so sad. He now has a nice looking bruise. What can I say, he is all boy(and part pirate, according to this pictures...arg!)

I love his scrunch nose pictures!

*Thanks everyone for the nice comments and words of encouragement. The wedding is over.....phew! I feel like it went pretty good, not quite at the level I hoped for, but I got some very good shots. I don't know why I get so worked up but being able to blog about it makes me feel so much better. Thanks!*

Tuesday Confessional on Wednesday @ 1:00 in the morning

I can't sleep.

I can't sleep because I am filled with all kinds of anxiety and shame.

I am feeling anxiety because I am shooting my first wedding tomorrow(today) and I feel extremely inadequate and overwhelmed.

I am feeling shame because I was so wrapped up in my anxiety and feeling of inadequacy that I have been not a nice person to my family. I have not been a nice wife and I have not been a nice mom. My daughter did not deserve having me yell at her today today, she doesn't understand the real reason that I am on edge. My husband did not deserve being ignored or glared at, yelled at and growled at for the past few days, either for that matter.

On the days leading to a new photo shoot, I forget the excitement that should come with being able to capture these amazing moments for people and instead I am filled with anxiety and a feeling of self doubt.
I obsess over my feeling and questions come up like: What makes me feel like I can take a decent picture? I have never had any type of training. I have no idea what I am doing. Hell, I have only recently started learning what aperture is better for different types of settings, and that I know NOTHING about ISO and shutter speed. Don't even get me started on all the different editing programs and the in's and out' s of Photoshop and Lightroom(which I am told is awesome, but looks like a foreign language to me).

Mean while I have this debate in my head about not being good enough to do what I love to do, but still wanting to do it. I see so many talented photographers and I think I will never take a picture like that. I obsess about not having the knowledge of all the in's and out's of Photography, but still having the itch to pull out my camera when my daughter turns her head and looks at me a certain way or when my baby boy twinkles his eyes at me and I wish I could just capture that look and that feeling forever.

Why can't I believe in myself more? Why is this so hard for me to do? Maybe it is so hard because I am not supposed to do it. Maybe I am not meant to be a photographer. Yet, just typing that sentence brings tears to my eyes. I have always loved photography and I am at a point in my life that I feel like I can use it to my advantage. I finally have a passion about something and I really want to see it through and become better at it. I just wish it came easier to me. I wish I wasn't so full of anxiety the night before the shoot, that I can't sleep, and that I have nightmares about my camera not working when it comes time for me to actually take the pictures(last nights dream). I wish that I didn't get so worked up and worried about capturing that perfect shot that I yell at my three year old for just being a three year old. I am sitting here in tears and can't sleep because I swore to myself many many years ago that I would never yell at my child the way that I yelled her today. I know how it feels to be yelled at like that and it is a horrible feeling. I have let myself down. I broke a promise that I made to myself, and my children before they where even born and I am ashamed because of it.

Today I was a bad mom.

Is following my passion for photography making me a bad mom? Is all the anxiety and self doubt worth the pain that this passion of mine puts my family through? Or is it a good thing? Will it get easier with time?Maybe with more practice and perseverance I will get better and I wont have so much anxiety. I have to admit that capturing that perfect shot is an amazing feeling. And I really love learning new things. I haven't done anything just for me in a very long time and it feels good.

I don't know the answer to my questions.
I just don't know.

Today I was a bad mom. I will make it up to Sydney tomorrow. I hope she can forgive me.

Caught in the Rain

A few weeks ago we had a HUGE rain storm. Seth had to run out side and roll up his window, and Sydney just had to go with him to play in the rain too. There is nothing better than being little and playing in the rain with someone you love!

Sydney's Teeth

Sydney went in this morning to get her teeth worked on. She got two fillings in her top front teeth and she got a silver cap put on a tiny molar in the back. We had to get up really early and Sydney had to be fasting, but surprisingly Sydney did so good. I on the other hand had all kinds of anxiety that always comes when ever Sydney has any type of procedure done. I did really good though, I only cried as the anesthesiologist took her away. It brought back some of those same feeling that I had when Sydney was a baby and was wheeled away from me in her tiny little hospital crib on her way to have open heart surgery. Two very different situations but two very similar feelings. Feelings of anxiety, fear of the unknown, helplessness and of not being in control, washed over me and I could not hold back my tears. The procedure only lasted about an hour and then Sydney was right back in my arms again. She was pretty sad and cried a lot, but she did a lot better after the I.V. was out of her arm. After they let us leave, we went to Grandma's house to pick up Brock and Sydney threw up all over my Mom's living room, me, herself and her blankets. We stayed at my Mom's until Sydney was a little bit better and then came home. She has been very good at home and is now playing and acting like nothing happened. She loves looking in the mirror at her silver tooth, she thinks it is awesome!

Sydney thought that her Tiger jammies were really cool!

Sitting by Daddy and showing us her teeth before she went back to get them fixed

Sydney's name tag on her cute little foot

Cuddling with Grandma, after she threw up. You can see it in her face that she still does not feel good!


Laying on Grandma's couch and cuddling with her blankets. She did such a good job and I am sooo very proud of her!! When did she get to be such a big girl?

Busy

I have been busy with photo shoots lately so I am way behind in my blog posts. I have all kinds of pictures from the 24th that I am slowly getting too. Anyway I have a one year old photo shoot to finish editing, and a wedding next week(I know! I am freaking out about the wedding! It will be my first.) You can check out what I have been doing here. If there is anybody that wants some pictures done just let me know. I am still only charging $30 dollars a session, but that price wont last for long so get them done while I am still cheap. :)

Baby Bird

We found a cute baby bird in the grass on the 24th or July. It was all kinds of cute, and didn't seem to be scared of the kids all around it at all. I know it was bad but I picked it up so the kids could give it a little pet on the head.

Sydney was in love!!

One quick little pet and then it was put right back where we found it.

Bye bye baby bird!

PB&J

Brock had his first peanut butter sandwich the other day. Every time he took a bite he would wrinkle up his nose and look at his sandwich. Then he would take another bite and it would start all over again. He kept eating it so I guess he must have liked it. It is so awesome having a kid that likes to eat. Sydney hates everything, but most of the stuff that we feed Brock he will eat. He even likes veggies. I know crazy right!





I love his blue eyes in this picture!! What a handsome boy!! I love this little good eater!!