Better

So, if you read my last post you know I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself the last few weeks. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but something--or alot of things--threw me through a loop. I've been trying to pull myself back out of it, or at least pretend to. It was bothering Ace to see me like that, so I've been putting on the "happy" for Him so He wont worry about it. Thats not helping me feel any better, beside knowing I'm not bugging the hell out of Him. We've been really far apart from each other---He doesnt understand whats going on with me, and I dont know that I really do either and even if I did the last thing I want to be doing right now is trying to explain to Him why I feel so messed up. He's giving me alot of space right now--He spends most of His time in the man cave  office, and I wont disturb Him when He's there. I dont want to be bothering Him with this--I have to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and get it fixed. I'll get there. Until then He's doing the safe thing, which is avoiding me for the most part. I dont blame Him for that at all.

There have been a few times we've been together over the last few weeks---rarely just the two of us, but not in a huge crowd of people either. Conditions with His family have not changed--its not going to change. I think this is alot of why He is away from me so much----He doesnt understand my animosity towards His family, and He cant sympathize with my feelings about them because He doesnt feel the same way, nor does He think I should feel that way. He hasn't been harsh with me or anything, but if His family comes up He defends them. I can understand that---He has been their son/brother for much longer than my Husband, so His natural instinct is to protect them from me, while trying to give me time/space to sort myself out. As I said, He's not been harsh, but the attitude He seems to exude is more like "Get over it, this is how they are". I will, I just need some time I guess.

I've been spanked (tapped) a few times over the last few weeks--I think its been twice in like 3 weeks, which is basically not at all for us. Thats pretty much been put on hold, until I get myself to a better a place. He knows I am not in a place emotionally where I can accept much from Him in this area, and as I said above, we are more apart than together right now, so that has alot to do with it too.

I'm trying to get better--to be better. Its much easier to fight with someone else than with yourself. Knowing that I am pushing Him away, and that this hurts Him too has been a big factor in my mind. I'm feeling guilty about this--I dont want Him to be away from me and I am trying not to hurt Him with my feelings. I'm trying to look ahead and push past this stuff so we can come back together the way we need to be. Our anniversary is coming up soon, and I want to be better for Him, so we can go back to where we used to be. I've made a mess of things, and I'm trying to clean it up. I'm trying to run away from me and back to Him. I thought I could just make myself stop, but there's been much more to it than that---I've found I cant just turn it off. There is a whole process I've been going through---places I've gone then had to fight back from. And I'm almost done. I'm getting better--feeling better---and I'm almost back to where I need to be. I'm almost there.......I'll be there soon.

~sugar

So many things

Lots of things going on. I'm feeling really confused and messed up right now, emotionally. It started with a few things a few weeks ago and has progressed to here. I'm pasting on the smiles and keeping up the happy stuff most of the time---you wouldnt believe how easy that is for some people to fake. Just because I'm smiling doesnt mean I'm happy. Just because I'm typing "lol" doesnt mean I'm laughing.

It means I'm crying--I've been crying every day and night for the last two weeks. I cant make the stupid tears stop. I dont know why. I've been in a really dark place, thinking about things that hurt emotionally and physically. Wondering if physical release could take away at least some of the emotional stuff. I've been to this before---I know it doesnt work, but its not stopping me from wanting to try it again. I'm on a see-saw. Most of the time, I think I would never want to do anything or behave in any way that could hurt Ace. But then there's these times I feel like screw everybody, because this hurts me like hell, and it cant possibly hurt them more than it does me.

I love my Ace. I love Him more than anything, and I never want to hurt Him. But I am tired of hurting. And I just want it to stop---just for one day. Just one day.

I've been play-acting. I've been trying to be someone His family could like, someone they would allow into their family dynamic. I cant do that anymore. And I am really mourning that loss. I wanted to be friends with His family, I wanted us all to be able to be one family together. I am not-we are not. His family was here for His dad's birthday last week--just sitting at the dinner table with them, I felt so removed. I felt like I was sitting somewhere else just watching them. No one spoke to me, although they interacted very casually with each other. His brother brought a friend home from school for the weekend (his second time visiting) and he was engaged in conversation and teasing by everyone in the family. I later told Ace I felt like I could easily have been missing from that table and no one would have noticed at all. I told Him this is not something I can do anymore with His family. I dont want to be anywhere near them anymore. That includes alot of things, but I am not going to go through them all.

I have kept their secrets. God knows, I could have destroyed that family if I wanted to. I still could. But I dont. Yet all I get is constant disdain, reminders that they have never thought I was good enough to be part of their family through snide remarks about my family and my past. Let me tell you, they have problems. Big problems. Hidden problems that no one knows, that would break them apart and shatter their squeaky clean image in this community. I could do that. And I dont. I want to, and I dont. All I wanted in return was at least a smidgen of respect from them. Not comments about my family, their mistakes, and the general comments made to me and between themselves in my presence that point to where I came from (a very rough family) and the fact that they all have college educations which I dont have, and therefore I am far to stupid to do anything with the stuff I know about them and wouldnt be believed even if I did. I'm smarter than they think, although its not by much I'm sure, but if nothing else I am a human being. They dont have to like me, they dont have to let me in their messed up little family. I can handle that. It hurts, but I'll work through that. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna be their doormat. If I cant stop them from stomping on me, I'll just have to move myself to a different door. There are doors here with less traffic---they will see less of me, and I am sure it will be a blessed relief to them.

It certainly doesnt help that my Grandmother passed away during this time period. There were no hard feelings between us, but it was not a relationship that I actively sought or nurtured. I only just met her a few years ago. I didnt even know her. Because she is my mother's mother (I share her name because my mom thought I looked like her when I was born) and my mother is making devastating life choices that have had severe impact on our family, I have put alot of distance between myself and my family to avoid the drama. This has been affecting me alot these last two weeks. I've burned my bridges on both sides. I dont have family to turn to on my side, and I cant stand to be anywhere near His family.

He and I had a heartbreaking moment the other night--we reached the point in our relationship where we seriously began to question what we will do in the eventuality that one of us passes. I couldnt even say it. I looked at Ace and just cried. It scared Him. I told Him if anything ever happened to Him, I dont feel like I would be welcome to stay here, and I have no idea where I would go or what I would do without Him. I have no safe place to land. I have no where to run, no one who would be waiting for me there. It breaks my heart. I cant entertain the thought of being in this life without Him. I just dont know what I would do.

There is more to this--more going on, but I'm not going to write anymore right now. This makes my head hurt, and my heart ache......its late and I should be sleeping. I shouldnt type so much, this is all very personal, but I am not going to erase it. Its just how I feel right now. Maybe if I write it enough, maybe some of the hurt will go away. Maybe it will...........