Live Out Loud: Do not argue for your limitations, but instead focus on your strengths.

I'm a little slower getting to this than I'd planned to be, but such is the life of a bookkeeper and payroll specialist during January. And that's ok. My "Live Out Loud" goal has never left my mind.

I worked hard on making new habits, but it is still a work in progress. I did very well on the water thing, the fruits and veggies are coming along.

The next one I'm working on is:

Do not argue for your limitations, but instead focus on your strengths.

"We all have weaknesses, but we also have our strengths. What do you do well? Practice that. When you lead with your strengths, the rest follows suit. And miraculously, your limitations sort of disappear. What you focus on grows." (from tinybuddah.com)

For me, this is very difficult. I often find myself "arguing my limitations" or weaknesses. Someone gives me a compliment and even if I say thank you to them (which often I find myself rolling my eyes or arguing with them) I still argue all the reasons in my mind that this cannot be true. My  hope is to teach myself to no  longer do this. The correct response to this will be no eye rolling, just a simple smile and "thank you". Then instead of arguing why this can't be true think of all the things I can think of to support their compliment. 

Every night I am going to look myself in the mirror and list five things about me that are my strengths. Five things that I truly believe are strengths. 

I'm also going to pray to my Heavenly Father. Once I heard Sheri Dew speak and she said "Don't be afraid to pray to your Heavenly Father to talk to you about you." 

Who else knows me better than my Heavenly Father?  He knows my strengths and He knows my weaknesses but He knows that my strengths are so much more than my weaknesses.

I had posted a quote on Facebook about making good habits. One of my dear, sweet, experienced friends made this comment; 

Stephanie, you are too hard on yourself! You never stop trying, you are always moving forward, and you are a wonderful example to all who know you. Relax and enjoy your GREATNESS, my friend!! I love the quote, but you DO THIS every day!! You are AWESOME!!

At first I was a little embarrassed about this and I almost deleted the comment. But I didn't. And I've thought about it often. Do I do that? Am I too hard on myself so I can't enjoy my "greatness"? Probably. I probably am. I think it is common, we don't want to be vain or conceited. But I think we can learn to embrace our greatness without being conceited. And that is my goal for the next little bit, to learn to embrace my greatness! Will you join me and embrace yours?

A Marvelous Lady

Tonight I'm laying here on the floor uncomfortable and desperate to go to sleep. I'm in an unfamiliar room with a heater blowing too much. I am so grateful I can be here!
I am in my Grandma's assisted living apartment. Grandma is 92 years alive. She fell hard yesterday and got a brain bleed. She was in the hospital but this evening the Dr said she could come home. Someone needed to stay with her and I was the logical choice. I'm so glad I got this opportunity for a sleep over.
Grandma's memory has been slipping for a few years now and I think this bump made it worse. She thinks it is Christmas Eve and is worried about me leaving my kids to be with her. She is seeing people I don't see and hearing voices I don't hear. She knows who I am about 1/2 the time, the rest of the time she thinks I'm my mom.
But these things aren't important. What is important is the woman that she is.

This is my dad's mom, the only one of my grandparent's left. The one I was lucky enough to live less than 2 miles from. The one I rode my bike to on Sunday nights and ate her marvelous rolls and delicious Sunday dinners including creamed peas. The one who hosted sleepovers for me and my cousin Jennifer. Who would tell us the squirrel story with the squirrel who went "squee, squee, squee". The grandma who hiked the pyramids and walked the town and kept the secret of our "secret" hiding spots. She was the soft place to fall and the one who always believed in me.
Grandma's life wasn't easy, her mom died when Grandma was young. She raised 3 boys and then lost one way too early. She outlived the love of her life and struggled with depression.
My Grandma is a fighter and a strong lady. She is optimistic and positive and a hard worker. She likes people and playing cards and having fun. She told me that she thought when she fell that this was going to be the way she was going to die. I asked her how she felt about that. She said "I'm not ready, life is too much fun." She's an amazing example of bravery, strength, optimism and enduring to the end. And I'm blessed to call her Grandma.




Grandma Marie Meikle and me.

I'm Only Half Crazy

This was written on August 25, 2012. It is an important enough memory that I want to make sure it gets recorded:

Today I finished the Top Of Utah Half Marathon. It was my second half marathon. I did it in 3:04 which was 5 minutes faster than my Ogden Half Marathon time. And I was thrilled! This is a SLOW time. The fastest runners run in about 1:05-1:15. So, sometimes I wonder why I even bother... I know other people wonder the same thing. I've been thinking a lot about this, why do I run?

Running has brought me so much more than just physical benefits. There have been those. I've lost almost 50 pounds since Oct. but really that didn't start happening until after I changed my eating, running just assisted. I've got muscly legs- and I'm loving that they are becoming much more defined- one day they might be "shapely". But those, surprisingly, aren't the real reasons I run.

I run (and race) for the relationships. They are amazing! I love my sisters dearly. They are so important to me. But never have they felt as close as the times we've run together. Whether it was our first real race when Alesa was here running with me and Holly was doing one the same day in California, just to support me. Or as I crossed my first half marathon and there was Alesa waiting and all we could do was throw ourselves into each other's arms and cry. Or when we ran a midnight 10k and Alesa and Holly came back and ran the last little bit with me encouraging and cheering for me.

I feel closer to my in-laws. I love my in-laws, but often wonder what we have in common but it has been so fun to find this running thing. I loved doing Ragnar with them and feeling closer as we endured those experiences. I was so excited to see Leslie and Jamie come back and finish the last 3/4 mile or so of the Freedom Run- even though Leslie had been sick the whole day before.

I have friends who have started running to support me. Our relationships have grown as we've set goals and worked hard and run together to accomplish those goals. We pulled each other along on our strong days and been pulled on the days we aren't so strong and sometimes run step by step together just enjoying each other. I was so excited today as I saw Tori at the top of the canyon waiting to cheer for me and then as she drove past. I will never forget her face as I approached her at the finish line- pride and as much excitement as I feel. She gets it! And I can't wait 'til our next one when she'll be there with us!

I have met absolutely an AMAZING group of people through Face Book. It's a weird story how I become acquainted but I am grateful everyday that I am! I was part of the group and slowly got to know them. Ran into Lori at the Santa Run (still amazing I even recognized her). I did a group run with them once. Then at Ogden we were (amazingly) on the same bus. We knew it was fated to be a good day! The best ever though was a couple of months ago when they suggested they come out here to run (almost all are from the other end of the valley). This was such a turning point for me! I was struggling at the time, Doug was working out of town (normal lately) and I was discouraged with my running and feeling very alone. I was so touched that they would come all the way out here just to run. They fell in love with the run down the canyon as much as I am so it's turned into an almost weekly event. These people have become so important in my life right now. They support me and encourage and we can confide in each other. We know what happens on the road stays on the road...

Today I had the opportunity to run with Lisa, she is normally much faster than me but because she is nursing an injury she decided it would be safer for her to go slower. So, she slowed down by about 45 minutes and talked me through the whole race.

All along our route today there were signs that said "NERC" (Northern Exposure Running Club) and then had fun things written. Lori had taken the time last night to go hang these for us. It was so fun to watch for them when we were so discouraged!

Lori put together darling shirts that say "supporting each other one step at a time" and that's exactly what we do! I love these girls (and 2 guys)!

There are many other people who have become so much more important in my life because of running. Miriam who ran (a much slower race than she was capable of) to stay with me during Ogden half. Mindy who has done many long runs with me- she runs in circles while I run straight so we can stay together.

Two of my biggest cheerleaders/supporters have been Holly and Maika. Wow! These two are amazing. These guys enter races to actually win (unlike most of us who enter to beat ourselves) And they do, they win. Last October I went to Holly and asked her for some help. Some tips and some accountability in both weight loss and running. She's been a constant support and friend since then. She also knew that Maika could be a huge help for me (she does this kind of stuff professionally). Maika has become a dear friend and a wonderful cheerleader.

My family, Doug and the kids and my mom. I have the best cheering section EVER. They run from mile post to mile post dragging the kids so that they can cheer for me all along the way. That's hard work! And the runners that are around me are always so jealous!

I'm so grateful I found running and I'm glad it's a major part of my life!

Live out Loud: Create a New Habit or Break an Old One

The first 13 days are over. I worked hard and giving myself permission. It was much harder than I expected it to be. I had to be vulnerable. I had to put myself out there and open myself up to criticism and failure. Such is the journey of learning to live out loud!

For these next few days I am going to be working on "Create a New Habit or Break an Old One"

Create a new habit or break an old one. (from tinybuddha.com)

Who has dominion over your life—you or your habits? Make it a game. How many things can you get under your control? How many bad habits can you convert? There is a great sense of empowerment when you feel you are in charge of your life. This helps you get there.

One of the things that has been very hardest for me with the struggles we've had over the past year is the loss of control that I feel. So, I'm hoping by taking back some control and practicing some self control I will get that sense of empowerment again.

I used to be a big time water drinker but for the last few months (like 12ish) I've let Diet Coke w/lime become my "comfort". It helps when I have a headache, it helps when I want a treat, when I'm short on energy or just feeling bad. But it doesn't help my kidneys or my weight or the rest of my body. So, my first new habit I'm working on is drinking more water, a minimum of 64 oz/day. Day one- complete!

I'm also working on getting 5 servings of fruits and veggies. It's a little tricky with funds tight but I know that it's better to put the money into healthy foods that will help my mood, energy level and overall health.

There are a whole bunch of habits I'm thinking about working on but I don't want to overwhelm myself so we'll see what else I come up with.

Give Myself Permission to Voice My Opinion

Believe it or not, this is actually part of my living out loud. Today I'm giving myself permission to voice my opinion. I used to be a very opinionated person. Some people might say I still am. But I actually keep most of my opinions to myself. I've learned most of the time people don't want to hear my opinion, they just want to be heard. And I also don't like to be told my opinion is wrong. But today, today I HAVE to express this opinion. And you can tell me it's wrong if you want, but you probably won't change my mind.

I think this is one of the VERY few times I have used my blog for something political but it's my blog and I can do that.

The government, in an effort to reduce spending, let an extension on unemployment "expire". To about 93% of the country that means nothing. They are not effected nor do they care. But to that 7% it is life altering and devastating. Right now in Washington DC they are deciding if they should reinstate those payments. I hear it's passed the senate.

Let me interject here, I am not sharing this for any pity or handouts. In fact that's the last thing I want- so don't do it!!!

We are part of that 7% that is deeply effected. Doug lost his unemployment pay this week. I've been thinking about this. It sucks! It sucks bad! Yes, I work. I earn enough that I make our house payment and can pay for a few other things. Probably about 1/4 of what our needs are. And when I say needs, I mean needs. Doug's unemployment made up part of that other 3/4. On paper we always come up short, somehow, I believe through divine intervention (usually through earth angels), we have not bounced a check or not been able to feed our family or lost our house or had our electricity turned off.

What I'm really thinking about now is the effect this political game is having on our economy and how far reaching that will be. I think about our own little family and what this means to us. It means I am pulling Katie out of voice lessons (the only extracurricular thing any of my kids are still involved in). This is too bad for Katie, she comes alive when she sings. But her teacher it's taking her income away too, and she also has an unemployed husband. For groceries we will use only what is in our house and what we can forage from my mom's house. There will be no trips to the store or to take the kids to their friends house that take extra gas. There is a whole stack of medical bills sitting here that will not be paid for a while. This is just a drop in the bucket of our money that is not being spent. And our little family is just a drop in the bucket. I think about how much this effects the economy, it's a snowball. And there are thousands of other families out there in the exact same predicament. Because of the trickle down or snowball effect I think many more than just that 7% are going to be impacted by this decision.

I know that our government needs to curb spending. And I know that there are no easy answers and honestly, I'm not offering any. I don't get paid $174,000/year to come up with those ideas. But if they really want to stimulate the economy and they really want to help their constituents, there ought to be something else they can cut. Maybe their salary? I bet they could survive on a few thousand less dollars.

Now don't start in on me about living on welfare. As a person who works with payroll almost everyday of my life, I don't believe unemployment is welfare. I know how much employers pay for unemployment benefits for their employees. In some industries, like construction, employers can be paying as much as 10% of your wage for unemployment insurance. And that's exactly what it is, insurance. We've paid into it for 20 years and we will pay into it for another 25 years. I also don't believe that it should be a long term solution for an unemployed person but it's not. And it's not for someone who is not doing everything in their power to get back to work. So, there it is, my opinion. Take it for what it's worth. But I feel better getting it out there.

Giving myself permission is hard

Wow! Giving myself permission is harder than I expected it to be.

It actually started out pretty great. My first time I gave myself permission was to play Chutes & Ladders with Mick instead of cleaning my bathroom. I've resented all the things that haven't allowed me to spend that time "just being" with my kids. Today I gave myself permission to spend that time with him. Time well spent! Although it was a lesson in patience. ;)



But being aware of me and giving myself permission to feel what I feel and do what I need is difficult. The number of emotions I felt in one day was amazing. And accepting that emotions are ok is hard for me. I can accept and embrace everyone else's emotions but mine are much harder. There was happiness, love, jealousy, sadness, gratitude, frustration and anxiety. I'm sure that these are normal to feel all in one day but I'm not sure I've ever fully acknowledged these feelings. And the anxiety, oh the anxiety! I'm really putting myself out there by making this so public. That's hard. So hard.

I had just saved this post, wondering if I had the courage to put it out to the world when I heard Mick cry out from his bed. Normally I ignore him and let him put himself back to sleep. Tonight I decided to give myself permission to go love him. It made the whole day worth it! That few minutes of cuddling, hugging, whispering, kissing and smiles made every emotion and stress I felt today worth it. It truly is worth it to Live out loud!

Live Out Loud: Give Yourself Permission

The first one I'm working on is: Give Yourself Permission. I think this is the perfect place to start, I'm giving myself permission to be me, to feel what it is that I feel, to act how I act and be what I am. I've spent so much of my life trying to become better, to improve, that I forgot that I am a good person as I am. So, for these next few days I am giving myself permission. I've had the opportunity to spend quite a bit of time talking to a wise person the last few months, one of the things he always tells me is; "You're not super-human and you're not sub-human, you're just human and that is enough." So, I am giving myself permission to be human.

Give yourself permission. (from tinybuddha.com)

For everything. Permission to make mistakes. Permission to shine. Permission to look beautiful. Permission to accept (instead of correct or dismiss) praise. Permission to have bad days. Permission to get angry. Permission to cry, to laugh, to scream. Permission to take the day off. Permission to take a nap, go to sleep early. Permission to get a massage. Permission to do nothing. Permission to succeed.

Life is about being here now, in all your full range of emotions, mood swings, wins and losses. Give yourself permission to live out loud today.

I found a song that I love and goes along with my mission to Live out Loud:

(and yes, I will be trying to getting Katie to sing this song)

"Live Out Loud" from Andrew Lippa's "A Little Princess"

(click on the link for the you tube video of the song)

I don't wanna go along with the crowd
Don't wanna live life under a cloud
Give me some air and space
And sun on my face
I wanna live out loud

Don't wanna be alone in the crowd
Don't wanna seem peculiar and proud
I need to be as free 
As I know how to be
I wanna live out loud

Every day - sleep, walk, lock, step
No one dares to stray
Though they may - straightlaced, shamefaced
Long to break away
They're as lonely as can be
Is that what they want from me?

I don't wanna go along with the crowd
Don't wanna live life under a cloud
Give me some air and space
And sun on my face
I wanna live out loud

Don't wanna be alone in the crowd
Don't wanna seem peculiar and proud
Nobody wants me here
But I won't be disappear
I wanna live out loud

I wanna run down an open shoreline
I wanna join in a moonlit dance
I wanna swing with the branches of a tree
I wanna bathe in a hidden inlet
And let the breeze come and dry my hair
I want the life they took away from me

If they makes me headstrong - fine!
That's a fault I'm glad is mine.

I don't wanna go along with the crowd
Don't want my spirit broken and bowed
Why do I have to hide what I'm feeling inside
I wanna live out loud

Don't wanna be alone in the crowd
I only want what I'm not allowed
Give me the wings of a bird
I'll be seen and be heard

I wanna sing when my heart is full
I wanna sing and I wanna fly
I wanna soar the sky without a cloud
I wanna live out loud