You Can't Get There From Here

Experiences

 Was it ever going to end any other way?  One of the major bugbears of anyone travelling to a major event is "Why are they all in London?  It's a long way from me!" (of course, the rail network is specifically designed for no other reason than to get from Anywhere to London quickly).  CAMRA have found out why the big stuff happens in London.  In moving the Great British Beer Festival to the NEC in Birmingham, they turned a moderately unprofitable event into a six-figure loss-maker.  And based on the attendance figures, it will likely be the last of its kind.

That sound you're hearing right now is the CAMRA National Executive tightening its belt.  The £320k shortfall at the GBBF has no doubt resulted in it being pulled a few more notches than otherwise intended at the start of this financial year.  The savings targets are what you'd expect - moving printed matter to digital, and vague talk of "being leaner", "streamlining" and ending "nice to haves".

If we're being honest here, the financial climate in the UK has not been great for a long time, so it's surprising CAMRA hasn't seen this looming over the horizon for a while.  Discretionary spending is down, and prices in pubs have only been going up.  But CAMRA's main enemy is simply the passing of time.

CAMRA's membership, despite the impression you'd get from the literature and posters, has skewed to the elderly for some considerable time.  I've heard I'm in the youngest 20% of members - and I'm 50 in three months.  There's always been churn as the older members, well, die off.  The problem in recent years is they're not being replaced.  The org's traditional recruitment method was to get people into beer festivals and sign them up to a direct debit (a practice frowned upon by even the rapacious Street Fundraising companies, but I'll let that slide for now), but as Beer Fest numbers decline, so do the potential new members.

Average cask ale drinkers

The "Young People" (by which I mean the under-40s) CAMRA want to attract rarely go to things like Beer Fests.  They have a reputation as being infested with middle-aged, drunken, bigoted and sexist dinosaurs.  If the Millennials drink at all, it's either at home or quiet times where they can use their phones in a corner.  And as for CAMRA's offer?  If you become one of the desperately-needed "active volunteers", the activities offered are a combination of an OAP's charabanc and a 70s trade union branch meeting.  As a result, CAMRA will likely be moribund within the next decade.

I did joke on X yesterday that maybe CAMRA could make up the losses by sending membership forms to the UK's retirement homes and sheltered housing schemes.  But on consideration, I think these are the only people who would seriously consider joining now.

News In Brief #60

Pontifex = Font effects

CAMRA Pope Grants Indulgences

Due to the current sunny weather, beer drinkers have been found drinking icy cold lager in beer gardens around the country.  Not so the unfortunate members of the Campaign For Real Ale, who have been forced to traipse around provincial town centres looking for brown, weak and flavour-shy beer as part of an ill-advised "Mild Month of May".

Thankfully for these poor people, help is at hand from the top of the organisation itself.  "Let's face it," proclaimed CAMRA Pope Nonextraneous XII "nobody actually likes mild.  Why spend an hour grinding through a pint of watery piss when you could be doing the whole Ice Cold In Alex thing with a pilsner?  Though although we cannot approve the consumption of non-real beer, we at the top of the CAMRA hierarchy have arrived on a solution."

"Simply pay the small sum of two pounds to the local branch treasurer, and he will issue you with a permission slip, signed by me, allowing the member to drink one pint of lager.  If you're seen in a pub supping yellow fizz by other members and chastised for it, simply show them this bit of paper saying that your sin has been noted, but indulged."

Continued His Holiness "Due to this enlightened policy of Indulgences, this heatwave has nearly wiped out last year's budget deficit in our accounts.  Long may it continue!"

Knowing the facts so you don't have to

Craft Brewery Starts News Agency

After a fortnight of rumour-based unpleasantness, London-based brewery Random Brick has decided to take control of its news generations.  "After I read all those tweets and blog posts saying we're gearing up to be taken over by ABInBev, I was incensed!" ranted CEO Damien Fixedgear  "How dare these people have opinions contrary to what we think they should have!"

"So, to counteract this ill-informed nonsense, I've decided to set up the Random Brick News Agency, the funding source for which I will reveal soon.  Using this, we as a company will supply all the bloggers and internet commentators with the real story on what we're doing, which they will publish without amendment."

"And if they deviate from this," shouted Fixedgear "I'll send them a 'Cease & Desist' letter saying they're inviting legal action by potentially harming our business.  That'll teach them to just drink our beer and keep quiet."

Alleged Beer News Site editor and promulgator of stories Curt Mattis of Bud Gear Hunting was nonplussed "We'll go along with this.  As our, like, funding comes from similiar sources, we wouldn't want to jeapordise anything, dudes."

"WARNING - Excessive drinking causes high contrast pictures"

Beer Not Linked To Mental Health Problems, Say Drinkers

In the light of criticism from the inside of the Brewing Industy for it's lack of concern about the potential downsides of alcohol use, habitual pissheads have taken to the internet to say that drinking large amounts of beer in no way has any negative effects on mental health

Bowl food eater and Teku glass slurper Luke Lumberjack-Shirt was indignant about such suggestions "It's not true, man.  I do four or five bar openings and tasting events every day and as a result drink about 50 schooners of 7% craft beer a week.  And I'm, like, absolutely fine.  Those late night tweets about me hating myself and hangover induced apathy the following mornings are entirely normal among people in my sector of the industry,"

Meanwhile, rubicund-complexioned near-permanent tavern resident Bob Barfly also cast doubt on these reports "I've been coming to this pub for years for my daily 4 hour session of 6 pints of bitter.  It's part of my class's culture to socialise here.  In no way am I trying to avoid the emptiness of my home life and distance from my family by self-medicating with intoxicants that result in oblivion.  These so-called researchers know nothing, obviously.  Oh god, that's my wife ringing me now."

Campaigner and general drink-apologist Mudgie Mudgington was shown these reports and muttered something about needing more evidence before coming to conclusions before saying "Oh, look! A kitty!" and running off.

News in Brief #58

Compulsory.  Or something

Pub Not Serving Plum Porter

Last week, while pictures of bar top pumpclip lineups were being disseminated on Twitter, a pub was shown as not having Titanic Plum Porter available.

Barry Shortmeasure, clichéd proprietor of the Weasel & Bucket, Pocklington, admitted "I forgot to put it on my SIBA order last week despite it being in letters twice as big as all the others in the booklet, for some reason. Anyway, it's coming tomorrow. Look, here's a copy of the invoice. Don't report me. PLEASE don't report me."

Luckily, Titanic owner and SIBA chief Keith Bott was an indulgent mood however "Oh, ha ha. We noticed the lack of an order from Mr. Shortmeasure. But as we're selling so much Plum Porter, we'll overlook his mistake. This time."

"Actually, we're making so much of it that Plum Porter is the only growth industry in Stoke now. Three-quarters of the people here are engaged in the making of it. In fact, I'm proposing we change the name of the area to 'The Porteries'!"

"Wait, don't leave...."

But it's all so boring, dude

Communicator Blames Beer For Lack Of Inspiration

A recurring problem in the freebie-laden world of Beer Communication is that of palate fatigue. Earlier this month, awesomation producer and journalist Curt Mattis admitted he had fallen prey to this phenomenon.

"I keep getting sent all this stuff and it's, like, really dull." complained Curty  "It's the same old stuff all the time, man. IPAs, Imperial stouts, barrel-aged kumquat goses.  I'm fed up with it all."

"It can't be me who's wrong, as I do this for a living and drink so many beers. Beer needs to raise its game if it's going to appeal to my awesome sense of taste. If things don't improve,  I may have to start paying for beer again."

"People say I'm lucky, man." he whinged "But obviously not lucky enough."

"THE FUTURE IS NOW"

CAMRA Moving Forward With Revitalisation

This week, anachronism-riddled consumer organisation The Campaign for Real Ale announced the publication of it's report into it's future. "After 18 months of proposals, discussions and surveys, we've finally come to some conclusions." proclaimed CAMRA founder Michael Hardman.

"We've found we should be protecting pubs more. It doesn't matter that a lot of unviable because people now prefer solitude, Pinot and Netflix. Because History and Heritage. Obviously."

"Also, keg doesn't appear to be as evil as our active membership seems to think. If nothing else, this'll get rid of a few old codgers who clutter up the letter column of What's Brewing.

"And in the interests of brevity and easy consumption of information," burbled Hardman "we've put it all down in 6-point lettering in this 100 page report. Both sides. So, CAMRA,  members - get reading. "

"There will be a test at your next monthly meeting."

Trip to Lostock Hall

(excerpt from "Ale Cry" , Spring 2017

News in Brief #53

"My GBG's not here yet. It's a conspiracy!"

Beer Guide Delay Causes Panic

This week, the unexpected lateness of the delivery of advance copies of The Good Beer Guide has caused mass consternation amongst CAMRA ticker types.  "The wait has been terrible," cried serial pub traveller Merton Nay-Chess "I've not known quite what to do with myself."

"Since I don't have a book to tell me where to go, I've been stuck at home.  It's got so bad that I've been scrawling obscure symbols about pub facilities on the walls in crayon, and then going over them with highlighter pens." he burbled

"It'd better arrive soon. My wife is threatening to divorce me if I don't get out of the house."

Meanwhile, rampant annoyer of the UK's landlords Kenny Garfunkel complained "I've put a note on my door demanding the delivery of my Beer Guide just in case the postman thinks of chucking it over a hedge or into the canal.  I've even put signs up from the sorting office to my flat, but still no joy."

"The train company are threatening to close down my local station," ranted Kenny "due to lack of use as three-quarters of all journeys are apparently by me going to god knows where,"

Good Beer Guide editor Roger Protz said about the delays "Bloody tickers. Don't these people have a local to go to or something?"

Still less viscous than the average Craft IPA

Bottle Experiment Continues

The Department of Opacity at London University this month celebrated the Fifth Anniversary of their famous long term experiment.  "We saw that pitch drop thing on Wikipedia," said Professor John Spuriousfunding "and it inspired us."

"We did some research and decided that the flow rate of bitumen wasn't quite quite long-haul enough for our purposes.  So we bought a bottle of Kernel Motueka IPA and gave it a good shake beforehand ,put it in the fridge, as suggested and waited for it to clear."

"We've been checking it every week since September 7th 2011.  Since then the transparency has increased by 2 OUs.  As such, we're expecting it to completely clear by April 2156.  It's a good job we have a long term grant to keep the bottle top from rusting."

Kernel Head Brewer Evan O'Riordan told us.  "How intriguing.  Don't know why they're bothering, though.  I can never get my beers to clear."

"In fact, I heard of people serving that Motueka IPA by the slice."

The latest division of AB InBev hard at work

AB InBev Acquire Beer Blog

Despicable corporate takeover monster Anheuser-Busch InBev have announced their latest acquisition to the Drinks Media. Suprisingly, it's not a beer, a brewery or even a brand.  "No, we've decided on a different tack this time." intoned Head of Heartless Wholesale Desecration Hiram J. Heritagetrasher "We've bought one of those 'Beer Blog' things."

The blog in question "Seeing The Lizards", a barely read farrago of crude mockery and incoherent ramblings was bought this week from it's owner Matthew Lawrenson for the record price of 2 cases of beer.  "It definitely fills a gap in our portfolio." continued Heritagetrasher "It's so much effort and cost to keep doing things like ads about pumpkin peach ale to annoy and upset the 'beer community', so we sought out somebody who's been doing it for a long time and for free too."

Lawrenson, speaking from his usual barstool at the Moorbrook Inn, Preston while sinking his eighth pint of BlackJack and simultaneously pissing people off on Twitter "This is an exciting time for 'Seeing The Lizards'. I look forward to working in partnership with a company of AB InBev's stature to move forward with future content."

"Don't know what I'm going to to with these 48 cans of Camden IHL they gave me, though."

News in Brief #51

What do you mean more outgoings than income?

Acclaimed Craft Bar Closes

Sole artisan beer joint in town, The Foo Bar in Penrith this week closed suddenly without warning.  "It's awful, man" sorrowfully recounted local dude Josh Avacodo-Toast "We had no idea this was going to happen."

Foo Bar opened last July with a 40-strong line-up of Craft beer and £5 bar snacks, lit with 67 Edison lightbulbs and done out entirely in mahogany and Skiddaw slate  "We had no idea how they were affording things," said a bemused Josh "but we thought, hey, it's Craft. Beer people are good people so it must be legit."

"Even when brewery reps came around and shouted at the barstaff about something called 'invoices', and they were forced to pay them out of the till and tip jar to make them leave, we didn't think there was anything wrong.  After all, there was all this awesome beer in front of us.  It was there, man, and we were drinking it. It was all good."

"It's almost as if as long as our conditions for a Great Place are met, we don't ask any awkward questions about where the funding is coming from."

Owner of Foo Bar, Chris Charlatan, tweeted on 1st August "Well, I've been sick....."

South East Grizedale CAMRA Committee Meeting, August 2016

CAMRA to Become Dining Club

Following the success of their Great British Beer Festival Awards dinner, middle-aged red-face type organisation The Campaign For Real Ale has decided to reconstitute itself as a Dinner Society.

CAMRA exec Tim Page told us "The average age of our active members is increasing all the time. They don't want to be gallivanting around towns and cities in search of real ales anymore.  They just want a nice meal and a quiet sit down."

"Let's face it, pretty much every pub is turning to it's food offer these days," continued Page "and our members are pretty much all over 70 now and can't put away the beer like they used to.  Plus it's a good way to keep out the riff-raff who might not be drinking the right things or make CAMRA look shabby in press photos."

"Why, we even refused entry at the Awards Dinner to some brewers who hadn't turned up in evening dress.  Honestly!  How are we meant to improve the image of beer drinking if our alleged representatives do that?"

Asked if, what with the increasing casualisation of dress and manner in the 21st century, what this might mean for the future of real ale drinking, Tim retorted "Future?  What has CAMRA got to do with the future?"

"Yeah, but think how hoppy it must be!"

New Brazilian Craft Cans Launched

Next week, Brazilian craft brewers Garrincha's Goat launch their new microbrewed canned beer Rio Verde.  "This is the beer that will finally put South American beer on the map!" gesticulated head brewer Joao dos Santos. "No longer will we solely be known as the birthplace of the evil ABInBev."

Asked what inspired this beer revolution, dos Santos said "I saw the Olympic Diving on the TV and noticed the green looking pool.  I thought 'What an amazing look! Everyone would want a beer like that!' And luckily, I heard they were draining the pool yesterday.  I had it tankered over to us and, after a bit of fermentation, we have a new beer!"

"We were worried it didn't quite look funny and cloudy enough for a Craft Can beer," he explained "but we got on the phone to the Olympic organisers and they sent us some of the sludge from the bottom of the pool to add and help it look right."

Perusing his preview can of Rio Verde, London hipster type Luke Lumberjack-Shirt mumbled "Hmm. Well, it tastes of chlorine and hydrogen peroxide.  It's bright green and has hairs and skin flakes floating in it. I wasn't too sure of it at first."

"But it comes in a can, right?  I gave it 4 stars on Untappd."

News in Brief #48

"We'll make sure nobody tells us things we don't want to hear"

CAMRA Revitalisation Continues Apace

Allegedly moribund consumer organisation The Campaign for Real Ale this week commended it's own success of its ongoing Revitalisation project. "Here at St. Albans we've been reading through all the submitted emails and leaflets," burbled CAMRA founder Michael Hardman "and we can now decide on a proper course of action."

"We've decided to appoint another ten people to the Revitalisation committee. Exciting times are ahead! Nothing says 'prompt decision making' more than extra members on a committee to discuss things." triumphalised Hardman.

"We've also sent emails to all the members inviting them to a meeting next week helpfully located 110 miles away and scheduled for 9am on a Saturday during railway works." continued Mikey "This goes to show how sensitive we are to the needs of the membership. "

South East Grizedale branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake told us "I've made sure our meeting is scheduled for April 2017, so hopefully this nonsense will all be forgotten by then. After that we can concentrate on the really important CAMRA business."

"Like slagging off craft beer in our local magazine."

Rewarding laziness and/or desperation

Barperson Gets Long Service Award

This Monday,  pub service operative Claire Glassbreaker was presented with a trophy celebrating her 6 weeks of employment at the Marquess of Hartington, a town centre pub in Wakefield. "It's a momentous occasion," shouted landlord Barry Shortmeasure "Nobody has ever stayed here so long."

"Normally I sack them before now for being rude to customers, or robbing drinks from the optics. Or they leave under a cloud of sexual harassment allegations. Or they just disappear one day and are never seen or heard of again."

"Claire is major asset to this pub. She never complains about rota changes or loses the keys or sits outside smoking rollies instead of cleaning the bar." congratulated Shortmeasure "I don't know what I'd do without her."

Meanwhile, Claire herself admitted quietly "The awards nice and stuff, but I haven't the heart to tell Barry I'm giving one day's notice tomorrow to go backpacking in Croatia. I'll be sorry to leave this wonderful place and all it's wonderful characters. "

"Actually, that's a lie. So long suckers! "

Who do you think you are kidding Mr. Juncker? 

BREXIT Provokes Blogger Reaction

In the commotion created by the UK electorate's decision to leave the European Union, one group of voices has been hitherto ignored, that of Beer Bloggers.

Remainer and awesome dude Curt Mattis expressed his dismay at the results "It's, like, really awful man. I'm going to need to show my passport to people when I go to Europe to create content for my partner breweries."

"Not to mention that all my favourite beers I have shipped over from the USA and all those New World hops will be, like, really expensive now." cried Curty. "I'll probably have to start drinking English beer at Wetherspoons or something. It's awful!"

Happier about events was nostalgist Exiteer and pikestaff wielder Mudgie Mudgington "I heartily approve of this result. For too long, we in the UK have been told what to do by Brussels bureaucrats!"

"No longer will all the road signs have to display all the distances in kilometres, and I'll never be served 500ml of beer instead of a good old British Imperial pint!"

"Except at Sam Smiths of course, where they serve that and call it a pint anyway."

News in Brief #43

Opening Feb 2015 Aug 2015  Jan 2016 Apr 2016 Jul 2016

Craft Bar Opening Eventually

Artisan beer bar The Seed Drill, Wakefield this week again put back it's opening date by another two months. Expectant drinkers in the town have been looking at blacked-out windows and scaffolding since October 2014. "They said they'd be open January last year," moaned local crafty type Adam Usedvinyl "and we're desperate for decent beer in this town, man." while gesturing angrily at the nearby Timothy Taylor pub.

"It's not my fault." opined owner and serial bankrupt Dave Flybynight "I keep discovering important archaeology whenever I try and do any work here.  I'm not having problems funding the unit conversion or anything."

"You'd think these so-called discerning beer drinkers would know the best things take time. I'm aiming to open in November. Probably."

London Crafty Bar manager Luke Lumberjack-Shirt upon hearing this news admitted "When opening my place, I just broke into an unused shop and set up the bar overnight."

"There are so many of these micropubs now, everyone just assumes they're all legit."

Unloading the next batch of Bloggers into town

Pubs Full of Travelling Bloggers

According to a survey carried out in February 2016 by Grizedale University, 90% of all transactions in pubs are carried out by people ticking off the pub as visited in order to write a blog entry afterwards.

Landlord of The Wheatsheaf, Pontefract Barry Shortmeasure confirmed this to us "Yeah, it's been happening for a good 18 months now. Take the people in my pub now. One is staying at the local Travelodge on the cheap, and is wandering around with his camera looking for old codgers sat at tables to take pictures of.  Those two over there? One's is walking eight miles between pubs and churches, and the other is going round the locals until the football game starts."

"And her? She's visiting all the Wheatsheafs in the British Isles. I know that because she asked me where the next one was."

"I don't have regular customers anymore," sorrowfully recounted Barry "But these Bloggers are worth more in publicity than any local pissheads sat in here all day."

"Though I charge them based on their Google ranking, of course."

You YOUNG people with your MUSIC and HAIR

CAMRA Terrify Membership With Visions of Youth

This week, all Campaign for Real Ale Members received a brochure detailing the options for CAMRA's future and a bit of paper saying they could have their say. Some are not happy, however. "It's terrible," said Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake "there are all these YOUNG people on the cover!"

"I know the thinking behind this down at St. Albans." complained Steakbake "They're insinuating all the active members are really old and need to be replaced with these people who may even be under 40. Who knows what will happen if they do?"

"So-called Craft Beer may gain Official Approval. I didn't join CAMRA in 1974 to be faced with this now. It's almost as if the future will happen and I'll be left behind."

"I'm not jealous or anything," insisted Greg "If anything they should be jealous of me. Where were they at the first branch meeting in February 1975 at the Farmers Arms, Heckmondwike when it took five of us three hours to take down the minutes because we were all hammered on Tetleys?"

"Great times. I think."

Defibrillating the Campaign

The Future? When has CAMRA ever been about The Future?

I, like presumably every other CAMRA member, received my "Revitalisation Pack" this week. I duly went online and filled in the form like they told me to. I wrote what you'd expect me to : Embrace the Evil Keg. Because it's the future, and the future will catch up with you whether you like it or not. One assumes CAMRA will take as much notice of my opinions as it always has.

Many people I know don't agree with my viewpoint, saying that while it's easy to define "Real Ale", it's harder to define " Craft Beer". I always say Craft Beer is like pornography, nobody can define it exactly, but they certainly know it when they see it. If CAMRA managed to figure out the definition of Real Ale in 1972, I'm sure they can come up with a definition of Craft Beer that satisfies the vast majority of people. Eventually.

It's arguable that Craft Beer actually needs to be "campaigned" for. It's on the up, and even reaching hitherto unpromising places such as Wolverhampton and Doncaster. It's notable that the only "Craft" beer organisation in the UK has been formed by brewers and distributors rather than actual drinkers. Craft is "the future", increasing in market share and thus not under threat.

Whereas Real Ale, despite a record number of breweries making it (if not actual volume produced), has always "needed " protection. It's assumed without CAMRA as a guardian, it would die out and without it, everyone would only have Red Barrel to drink within 18 months.

It could be said that CAMRA needs such a siege mentality to keep going. If there are no threats to the continuing availability of Real Ale, what reason would there be fore it to exist? And that's why Craft Beer will probably never be accepted by the active membership. It's increasingly available and also increasing in visibility, not to mention fashionability.  A CAMRA member just wants his favourite pint at his favourite place, forever.

The results of the Revitalisation Survey are a foregone conclusion. The status quo will be kept, and CAMRA will carry on in its journey to its fate as a middle-aged, middle-class drinking club. The battle has been won, but it will keep going through sheer inertia, propelled by it's active members wanting a social life, and it's paid staff's need of jobs.

Such it the way of humanity. Change never comes until it's far, far, too late.

News in Brief #40

Ambience Is More Important Than Choice? RIGHT?

Beer Free Pub Wins CAMRA Award

In it's latest headline-grabbing move, South East Grizedale CAMRA branch awarded it's quarterly Pub Of The Season award to the Pig's Bladder, a place that has not sold Ale since 1996.

Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake announced in the local magazine, Pints West "For too long, CAMRA branches have been hung up on how many real ales are available at pubs. We now look at how welcoming and hospitable pubs are, rather than sheer volume of choice"

"The Pig's Bladder has a well behaved middle aged clientele, lots of quiet corners for CAMRA Members to sit in, and is decorated in a suitably muted and shabby fashion. We decided it was an excellent place to escape our wives and families, which is why we joined."

"If it can do all that," triumphalised Steakbake "then who needs Real Ale? Or any drinks whatsoever."

Local campaigner and tightwad misery Mudgie Mudgington concurred "There's a B&M next door. So I just take in my close-to-BBD purchases in and drink while sat in my regular dark alcove"

"This is the future of pubs, I'm certain of that."

Who has roasts these days anyway?

Wetherspoons Axe Day Of The Week

Middling-to-low quality booze and food chain JD Wetherspoon this week rocked the pub industry by announcing they were abolishing one of the seven days of the week.

"Sunday has never done it for us." admitted Spoons figurehead Timbo Martin "It doesn't fit our business plan any more, to be honest."

"Let's face it, who comes into our pubs on Sundays? Middle aged men who have two pints at lunchtime and go home before their wives notice.  Families with kids who come in for food who always leave before dessert because the children are acting up. We've never made any money from them. So we're axing Sundays and going straight to Monday to sell more Burritos"

Spoons habitué Bob Barfly told us " I'm OK with this. I don't eat that day."

"The Jobcentre Plus isn't open Sundays anyway."

Craft? Craft isn't here and NEVER WAS

Craft Over

Due to the saturation of their market, Craft bars across the country are converting themselves back to normal pubs in an effort to erase the mistakes of history.

Former hipster hangout The King's Head, Islington (formerly The Fulminating Llama) this week was busy ripping out all the slate and girders and replacing it with dark wood and garish wallpaper. "It's the future, apparently." sadly opined manager Luke Lumberjack-Shirt.

"There's too much Craft in the world now.  People of had enough of hopfucks and weirdo beer with odd stuff in them. I'm converting all my Craft fonts to Smooth and Lager now. That's where the money is."

"In fact," confided Luke "I'm shaving off my beard and getting a buzz cut so I can look hard. All the hipster waistcoats and skinny jeans are going in the bin. I've got a wardrobe full of trackies and chunky jewellery now. It'll be awesome."

"I mean, it'll be bang tidy. Innit?"

News in Brief #33

McTand at the last CAMRA Social

Scotsman Drinks Lager

Last Wednesday afternoon, the South East Grizedale CAMRA branch descended upon Lehybison's Brewery for a tour and general drinking session.

Local Chairman Hamish McTand was served a pint of Lehybison's Lager by smirking brewery owner Louis Lehybison-Smythe. "I suppose you won't be drinking this, then" he giggled.  He was shocked when McTand downed the cold, fizzy pint in one gulp

"Och, what made you think that?" laughed McTand "Back home in Dumbarton we drink nothing else. I love the stuff" as he necked another.

"Actually, I awnly joined CAMRA tae complain in pubs about the quality of the Real Ale. I order pint o'something I know will be warm and flat, take it back to the bar and say 'Have tae have the Lager, then!' "

"Come awn," announced McTand to the shocked members and brewers "Everyone in CAMRA does it, right?"

"But I thought you loved me! Or at least knew my name!"

Craft Brewer Sad

Bob Motte, an East Cumbrian artisan beer maker, yesterday bemoaned the decline of cordial relations with his fellow Craft Pioneers, BrewDog

"Back in 2007, BrewDog and me were best mates." cried Bob "We pushed onwards against the confines of boring real ales, and increased awareness in the world about the potential of flavoursome craft beer."

"Now they've gone up in the world with their huge brewery in Aberdeen, they won't even acknowledge the likes of me.  It's almost as if they think their company is somehow apart since it's worth £300 million"

"I guess I'm some kind of threat to them with my 5-barrel plant and minimally supermarket presence." he theorised amusingly "They must be worried I'll take all their sales and publicity."

We queried BrewDog's James Watt on these events. "Bob Motte?" wondered Watty "Owns a micropub in Kent, right?"

"Saves on the Central Heating too!"

Pub Fire Turns Customers Into Cavemen

Now they the year has moved deep into Autumn, pubs across the land are attempting to create warmth and "ambience" by putting on a real fire.

Customers at the Earl of Pilkington tavern in Harrogate have expressed their approval of the combination of conflagrations and drinking. "Ugg like fire." said Martin Palmer, a Director of Finance at a Local printers "Fire warm and keep evil spirits away"

Chartered Accountant Warwick Hill advanced towards the fire with an outstretched stick, muttering "Ogg too like fire. Can have fire too?  Woman say woman will be with Ogg if Ogg get fire."

Mr.Palmer brandished a poker and coal scuttle threateningly at Mr. Hill and shouted "No! Fire is Ugg's!  Woman too is Ugg's. All women are Ugg's thanks to Fire God!"

Landlord Simon Canning sighed and said to another customer "I know. But they're even worse after a few drinks."

News in Brief #32

Soon to be consigned to history

Beer Bloggers Proclaim End of Beer Blogging

Thinly-veiled nom-de-plume scribblers and weighty prose Bloggers Bake and Bowley last week announced that beer blogging was at an end.

"Blogs have nothing new to say." intoned Bake  "All they do is retread the same ground about drinking and opinions about breweries. Everyone who was good at it has either finished or turned into a paid journalist and Beer Communicator."

Bowley continued "As for us, we only read and share pieces by professional writers, whom these days are our peers.  What can be more tedious and self-defeating than reading posts written by those doing it for so-called 'fun'."

"Beer blogging has served it's purpose." chanted both Bake and Bowley in unison "That is, to produce Us."

This is the Circle Line, right?

Crafties Travel To Outer London Beer Festival

Hipster types and people who work hard at looking as if they don't care too much Alanis Hash-Tagge and Luke Lumberjack-Shirt last Friday decided to take up their trade invitations to a Local Craft Beer Event.

"We, like, printed out our tickets to this 'IndyMan' thing," burbled Alanis "but we didn't recognise the map or directions. We called a taxi and gave them to the driver. It took 2 hours and £350 to get there. I think it's some kind of record in getting within 5 miles of the M25 from Shoreditch"

"We arrived at this cool old swimming pool." enthused Luke "Must have been, like, in Borehamwood or Rickmansworth or something.  Anyway, there was plenty of Camden Hells and we had a few thirds of that."

"After the tasting session finished, we asked our Uber driver to take us to the nearest tube stop. He looked, like, all confused for a bit, but he took us there."

"We were shocked to see it painted an unrecognisable yellow, though" perturbed Luke "And they'd redesigned the Underground Map and renamed the network 'Metro'. We put it down to that 10% New Zealand beer we had."

"We're still there, actually." confided Alanis "Where is Eccles anyway? I think it's a new station on the Hainault loop."

Dreadful people with poor social skills, yesterday

Inactive Member Fails to Meet Fellow CAMRA Types

Veteran Campaign for Real Ale member Dustin Loft this week realised he had never done anything with his membership but get 10p off his weekly 3 pints of Fuller's London Pride. "So," he announced grandly to nobody in particular "I decided to attend the local Branch Meeting at the Hard Peg in Harold Wood."

"I'd heard awful things about them, but decided to go along without any preconceived notions" he convincingly argued.

"When I arrived I saw them at a large table in the corner. A group of middle aged men deep in conversation and laughing intermittently.  I waited at the bar to be summoned"

"After 45 minutes, one of them came up and stood next to me, as if ordering a round of drinks. I had helpfully laid out my CAMRA membership card and " Association of Beer Communicators " certificate on the bar for easy seeing. But he just picked up his drinks and went back to the corner table." complained the offended Loft. "He just grunted and didn't even meet my gaze"

"It's no wonder the local CAMRA group have such a bad reputation if they behave like this. It's almost as if they expected me to go up and introduce myself."

"I'm not renewing my membership." ranted Dustin  "I could never be part of such a conceited and insular organisation."

News in Brief #27

Look at them. They come in here, drink all the booze.

GBBF Now Just Trade Day

Crowded booze up masquerading as pleasurable drinking  experience The Great British Beer Festival has announced it's dates for 2016. Or rather, date.

"Yeah, it's true" opined CAMRA festival organiser Bob Unwashedglass "I opened the doors this afternoon to let in the the expectant Great British drinking public to sample our fine real ales and thought 'Isn't this fucking awful?' I mean it is, isn't it?"

"Every year, all these bastards come in just to get pissed. They don't care about Real Ale or it's history. So we decided that from next year, we'll just have the Trade Day. That way, we can have decent appreciative talks and gossip about which brewers are dodging tax."

But surely just the Trade crowd wouldn't be able to finish off those hundreds of casks, we asked. "Don't you believe it, mate! We're right pissheads, us." retorted Bob "Plus, we'll invite the Bloggers along. Most of them are alkies who are only in it for free booze anyway."

Tickets for the 2016 Great British Beer Festival will be available sometime, from somewhere or other, if you know somebody.

Small scale artisan brewery yesterday

BrewDog Declared No Longer Craft

The self-appointed arbiters of Craft Enlightenment, the Beer Commenterati have informed everyone else in the beer world that IBU and adjunct adding types BrewDog no longer meet the criteria of being a Craft Brewery.

"I'm sure you're expecting us to say," opined Crafty hipster beer middle-man Ivan Vancooler "that we don't approve of them going into bed with Tesco and exploiting gullible investors by selling ever decreasing shares in the brewery for ever increasing amounts of money. But, no. We just think they make too much beer and are trying to appeal to too many people."

"Surely the point of being a Craft Brewery is to brew a small amount of beer that can only be found in an obscure bar only known to the righteous few,  where they can sip it while writing extensive notes on hopping and food pairings.  But BrewDog have betrayed this ideal in our eyes."

Flat cap wearing press releaser James Watt countered "Hey, we're trying our best. Our large brewery in Ellon is still technically a "shed", and we're increasing our quality controls to make the beer more opaque. What more do they want?"

"If all else fails, we'll get the Craft Brewers Alliance to redefine what Craft Beer actually is. It's worked before."

Harry says Cans are Craft

Tramp Crowdfunds Next Drink

After experiencing ever diminishing returns using traditional beggingw methods, street-dwelling itinerant Harry Stringtrousers has got with 21st Century social media to find new ways of cadging money for a can of Super.

"I've set up a Kickstarter for myself." explained Harry "I found people no longer responded to hackneyed techniques such as muttering '10p for a cup of tea, guv?'.  It's almost as if they thought I shouldn't be doing it. Anyway, if you go to harryneedscans.com, you'll find my full range of incentives and rewards."

The minimum pledge, 40p, will get you a note saying "Cheers, kind sir" scrawled on the back of a Subway bag. £2 will get you an invitation to pose for a photo with Harry's emaciated and mangy dog, Welpark. £6.50 (the price of a 4-pack of Tennents Super at Barry's nearest offy) means you can spend a day with a BBC 4 documentary crew depicting the plight of the alcoholic homeless to the wealthy middle class in Islington.

Nearby Shoreditch railway arch brewer Luke Lumberjack-Shirt complained "I think this scheme is terrible. What kind of person would reduce themselves to such beggary and relying on the goodwill of the gullible?"

"Somebody should put a stop to it. Why are you laughing?"

The Angelica Pickles of Beer Bloggery

Talks to both Babies and Grown Ups

The longer I do this thing, the more I become aware of the Generation Gap in the beer blogosphere.

On the one hand, there is the Crafty brigade. Usually about 25, urban, digital and social media savvy, highly educated and wanting to express their connoisseurship of everything they're into.  Tends to drink awesome juicy bangers at the local Craft Bar. Generally disparaging of traditional beer and pub culture as chapeau vieux (as they no doubt do not say in France). Run blogs with photos showing themselves and their alarmingly similar friends drinking Evil Keg at a big table.

On the other, there are the Veteran Pubgoers. Usually about 55. Been in CAMRA since the late 1970s. Can usually work Blogger and Twitter but not much else. Likes pubs on quiet afternoons to drink 4% brown bitter. Generally disparaging of Craft Beer as overhyped and unbalanced, and Craft bars as uncomfortable. Run blogs with photos showing themselves sat with a couple of friends at a country pub or biergarten in Germany.

But what strikes me most is how little there is in between.  Sure, there's Boak & Bailey who drink both the Evil Keg and the Boring Brown Bitter, but they're doing it for the record (and their blog will become an important historical document if some way is found to preserve it), rather than simple personal amusement. But what is being done my my generation, those around 40?

Possibly the reason is we came of drinking age in the early 1990s. There wasn't any Craft in those days, and even back then a 20 year old would have regarded Real Ale as a middle-aged man's drink. No, we drank Lager. And it seems a lot of us have stuck to it. Plus, most of us have families and careers and so have little time for bloggery and social mediasing.

As for me, I have no family and few commitments to speak of.  So, I can spare the time for this sort of thing. I'm young enough not to have the baggage against the Craft, but old enough not to be swept away with enthusiasm about how awesome it all is. Not being the greatest of social bunnies, too, helps me maintain a detached perspective on beer matters. No mutual reinforcing feedback loops for me.

As I always say, if you don't really fit in anywhere, then embrace your difference.

News in Brief #21

Raaaaaaare

Beer Blogger Dislikes New Limited Edition

This week, Random Brick Brewery unveiled their new special edition beer, Here Come The Bees, a honey and goji berry imperial saison. In a typical effort to drum up viral publicity, they sent cans of it out to various favoured bloggers.

One recipient was 26-year-old craft maniac Alanis Hash-Tagge who announced on Twitter the time she was going to pour her beer out for a live tasting. "I waited, like, hours for my can to reach optimum temperature in the fridge. I used to time to source the exact right glass for this beer. I went for my thin-stemmed quarter pint chalice"

She continued "When I finally opened it up, I instagrammed and Facebooked two dozen photos of the bubbles progressing up the glass. Then I bombarded Twitter with #herecomethebees to make everyone, like, aware. Made sure I put my vlog of the whole thing on YouTube too."

"After I'd taken two hours to do that, I tasted the beer. But it was, like,  warm and flat.  Not what they said at the brewery it was like."

"Still gave it a positive review though, as I did PPE at Oxford with the brewer and didn't want to upset him."

"After this runs out, it's the John Smiths, I suppose"

Primatologists Observe Alcohol Consumption

Scientists from the University of Warwick this month filed their latest field report on primate behaviour to the Royal Society, namely on the subject of drinking booze in the wild.

"It was 8am when it started." reported Dr. PG Tipps "A large group of the biggest, hairiest, and most pot-bellied individuals scooped up their drinks and began imbibing in massive quantities"

"This wasn't a drink as you or I would know it. Rather it was a primitive brown brew, varying between 3% and 7% abv. After a couple of litres were drunk, the observed individuals started exhibiting the signs of inebriation. They began screeching, beating their chests and urinating involuntarily. After they had a massive fight to work out the dominance hierarchy of the group, they collapsed into a comatose slumber."

"But by this time it was 11am, and we had to leave the Heathrow Wetherspoons in order to catch the plane to Africa to study some chimps."

Soooo different

CAMRA Pub Changes Beer Lineup

The South East Grizedale CAMRA branch has been up in arms this week after their favoured local switched beer supplier.

Greg Steakbake, Branch Treasurer exclaimed to us in an email "It's true the Pewter Tankard doesn't have the best selection of cask ale. In fact it has only one handpump. But CAMRA members do get £1.20 discount on a pint. Won Pub Of The Year since 1999, oddly enough."

"Anyway," he went on "last Tuesday we went for our Committee meeting and found found the Thwaites Original had been changed for Moorhouse's Black Cat."

"Our Chairman told the barman it was an outrage, and the members would be confused and scared by change.  The fact that beer could taste different to bitter could make reality collapse before our eyes."

"It was awful. We had to have the Guinness in the end. It was either that or go to another pub. But we'd already given them the POTY for 2015. We did negotiate our discount though."

"Don't tell anyone we drank the keg. Please."

News in Brief #19

"We don't like you. Go away"

New Craft Beer Alliance Formed

In the latest attempt for Big Craft to seem big (but yet smaller and somehow better than the MegaBrewers), several of the top Craft breweries have formed The Craft Brewers Alliance.

BrewDog, Camden, Beavertown and Magic Rock announced the Alliance to a sceptical trade audience yesterday.  "We've formed our own club and you're not allowed in." blathered BrewDog's James Watt.

"So, you want to join our secret club?" sneered Beavertown's Logan Plant "Well, your smelly boring brown beer is rubbish. You can go and sit in dog poo."

Camden's Jasper Cuppaidge added pertinently "Ner Net Ner Ner-Ner!" and blew a raspberry.

Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiild

CAMRA Members Ponder New Beer Style

Middle aged bearded men were thrown into confusion at the beginning of this month by a communique from CAMRA. "May is Mild Month" it said "Make sure you drink Mild in May"

South East Grizedale Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake was bemused "I read the email from St. Albans, and was utterly confused. I'd never heard of Mild Beer, to be honest."

"I looked it up, and apparently it was popular donkey's years ago. Mild hasn't been seen in my branch since 1962." muttered Steakbake, sadly.

"You may as well ask us to go and eat Tasmanian Tiger pies."

Copyright Timbo

Meal Deal Customer Disappointed

Last Wednesday afternoon, commercial traveller and casual pubgoer Bob Unwary needed to find some food in Oswestry, a town unfamiliar to him.

"I was walking down the high street, and saw an A-board outside a pub advertising 'Curry Club'. Well, Wetherspoons is as good as any, I thought, at least I know what I'll be getting."

"I went in and ordered my meal and pint of lager. It wasn't until I got halfway through when I realised it was I surprisingly edible." he continued  "I checked the signage properly and found I was in an independent pub rather than a Spoons. This wasn't what I wanted. I wanted dry and scorchingly hot microwave 'food' "

The pub in question has been informed that 'Curry Club' is copyright JD Wetherspoon inc. and has been closed down on the orders of Timbo Martin until further notice.

News in Brief #17

"I suppose the Pedigree's off, then?"

Local Pub Blown Up Overnight

Residents were shocked to hear of the destruction of a beloved local last week. A Grade-2 listed building, The Lady Godiva, Coventry was blown to pieces by a 200kg bomb planted by the intended devlopers, at approximately 3am last Wednesday.

Owner/property speculator Ron Callousdisregard ranted to us yesterday. "I know many people wouldn't have seen this as the ideal solution, but I was forced to take this course of action.  The fact is that I have had to blow up this pub, along with the six adjoining properties, two sets of traffic lights and a post box to show up the intransigence of local planning regulators who objected to me wanting to build an Adult Cinema and Erotic Accessory store here."

Coventry Planning Department official Dave Wristslap emailed us to say "We condemn Mr. Callousdisregard's actions in the strongest possible terms. We've sent him a letter saying he's been a naughty boy, but to be honest it's a bit late to do anything now, isn't it?"

"Oh well, can't stand in the way of progress, can we?"

Oooooooooooold. Just the way it should be

CAMRA Activist Puts Motion to AGM

This weekend, Nottingham will be overwhelmed by a large number of men in late middle-age with little else to do but talk about the Serious Business of Beer. Yes, it's CAMRA AGM season.

Bob Leathertankard, 72, an Activist since 1973, will be there to put forward his wide-ranging motion on the future of CAMRA. "CAMRA is at a crossroads" he rambled tipsily through the haze of six pints of Old Hooky "The membership is aging and there are fewer of us every year doing the important stuff at the grassroots."

"So what I suggest is limiting membership to the over-55s. I know that seems counterintuitive, but I keep hearing about all these young people under 40 talking about Craft and things. I know I should be bothered about keg fizz or some such, but I'm really old now and just want a quiet drink with other old men like me. I don't want arguments about what is or isn't real beer."

"The whole thing has become a tedious bore, to be honest. Just let me die in peace with a pint of lightly carbonated beer in my hand."

Coming soon to a City Portfolio near you

London Brewer Sells Crowdfunders

Excessively entrepreneurial London brewer Random Brick today announced it's latest investment plan, involving selling the 2000 crowdfunders who helped provide the startup capital to it's newest investor, a Hedge Fund based in the Cayman Islands.

Damien Fixedgear, CEO of London Debt Repayment Ltd. trading as "Random Brick Craft Brewery" muttered offhandedly to us "It's true that our crowdfunders helped get us going, but frankly they're a drain on administration now."

Fixedgear continued "Most expect updates on progress. Some say they would like a free bottle or two. One even contacted me about the chances of a return on his outlay, the fool.  So we've decided to flog them off to Consolidated Fund Management And Third World Exploitation Inc. It's the best thing for the future. Mine, anyway."

Hopeless optimist and serial Random Brick Kickstarter Daisy Headinclouds was asked how she felt about now being owned by a rapacious financial institution "It's a good thing for the Craft Beer Scene. Yes it is. A good thing. Yes it is. A good thing. Yes...."

The Keg-Only Pub

It's a quiet Sunday afternoon in Preston.  For once, the sun is out, and people have found better things to do than sit inside a pub. Not me. As usual, I'm in the Moorbrook drinking the latest silly craft IPA IBU nonsense.

There was a couple walking behind me down Garstang Road, and they followed me into the pub. Not for them the immediate drinks order on being greeted by the landlord. No. The most important thing they want to know is "What time's the football on here?" Needless to say, the Moorbrook doesn't have Sky Sports.

After a brief conferral between them, and old boy sat at the bar piped up and told them that the game was being shown in a pub 200 yards away - The Wellfield on Adelphi Street. Formerly a Greenall Whitley house, this is now a Sports Bar, catering to, shall-we-say, Preston's more down-to-earth element. It is keg only.

While I am of course sat here drinking keg beer, this IPA is not the sort of thing served at the Welly.  Lager, Smooth and Guinness rule there. I have never been, as such things would attract comment from both the existing patrons and everyone who knows me and my usual tastes.

I remember a discussion about this on Twitter the other day. How many, it was asked, pubs are keg-only (the non-craft type, that is).  For all their many and myriad faults, CAMRA Central Lancashire helpfully provide a list for our perusal on their website.  Many of those listed as having "No Real Ale" are student/fun pub places (Popwold, Beachcomber, Oblivion); others are chain theme pubs (O'Neill's, Roper Hall). These places would never do Real Ale, as either it's not what the company does, or it's aimed-for clientele would never buy enough of it to make it worthwhile.

This leaves the old-fashioned keg pubs.  The places for whom the Real Ale and Craft revolution has somehow passed by.  They are either terrifying (The Bears Paw, The Golden Cross) or dumps in an endlessly repeating open-close cycle (The Black-a-Moor Head, The Tithebarn).  I'd say these types comprise of about 10% of Preston's pubs.

The keg-only pub is reckoned to be the kind that has suffered most over the last 15 years, as it's traditional drinker has either been seduced by cheaper supermarket beer, or put off by the smoking ban (the working classes are statistically far more likely to be smokers even now).  That any are left at all is suprising. None are highly regarded. Not by the middle classes, who see them as hotspots of drunkenness, lassitude and criminality. And neither by the discerning beer drinker, who regard them as dens of crap beer being sold to idiots.

I'm probably just as guilty of this, as I'd never be seem dead in The Wellfield or The Moor Park. But it can't be denied that a certain sector of the drinking population feel more comfortable in them than in a CAMRA or Crafty pub. What for them when the traditional keg-only pub finally disappears?

News in Brief #13

"I do these things so you don't have to"

John Snow Investigates Beer Phenomenon

"In my day, beer was brown stuff that you drank at lunch to get you a bit tiddly, but nowadays young people can buy strong beer that contains as much as ten times the amount of hops that beer had 40 years ago."

Under careful medical supervision, I drank four bottles of Hopfuck that  had been procured for the test.  After only two bottles, my mouth shrivelled up and I could no longer open my eyes.  I just about managed the fourth before I passed out, that phrase "More IBUs, man" running through my head on an endless loop."

When I woke up, I felt dizzy and nauseous.  I also found I had grown an immense bushy beard and gained sleeve tattoos under my lumberjack shirt.  I realised then that today's 'craft' beer is a menace and nothing like what we had in the old days."

Crafty Bishop logo (1st draft)

New Craft Brewery Opens

Bury St. Edmunds may not currently be associated with craft beer, but from henceforth it will be, with today's announcement that the new Crafty Bishop Brewery will be open for business in April.

Annie Roonand, head brewer, told the world in a press release "This part of the world has been crying out for Crafted Cask Ales Brewed With Excellence, and so we at Crafty Bishop will be giving local drinkers the opportunity to taste our new Craft Beers. For example, we have 'Old Heckled Spen', a full flavoured hoppy brown ale and 'Cuddles Rounty' a traditional beer with a modern twist for the younger drinker.

We asked the obvious question on Twitter, but apparently any resemblance, and indeed connection, with other nearby breweries is entirely coincidental.

Protecting the consumer from high prices. Or maybe just from the active membership

CAMRA Calls for Beer Duty Rise

In a stunning turnaround, The Campaign for Real Ale have petitioned Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne to raise beer duty by 20p in the next budget.

Asked to explain, Chairman Colin Valentine admitted " We're the CAMPAIGN for Real Ale, right? So what happens if we achieve all our objectives? What will we do then? Our members are already muttering about the lack of actual activity here in St. Albans. So, we implore Mr Osborne to raise the tax on beer. Give us something to do!"

"It's either that," he continued "or we disband. And would you really want the average CAMRA member roaming the pubs sad, lonely , and with no purpose? Do you?"