Seeing The Lizards

Humph

2026-07-01T09:53:46.474-07:00

Humphrey Smith, owner of the Samuel Smith Old Brewery Tadcaster, has gone to the great Employment Tribunal in the sky at the age of 81. The reaction to his death has been, shall we say, mixed. Some have expressed sadness that one of the great old pub traditionalists has departed and the industry will never be quite the same again. Others have said good riddance to the dismal old reactionary and are expecting those who'd been at the sharp end of his decisions over the decades will be rejoicing in the streets.

I never met Humphrey. My local Sam Smith's pub, The Olde Blue Belle in Preston (see above) was probably too out of the way for him to give any major attention to. Not even the cheapest pub on a street in rapid decline, it's well out of the way for most people, really. Whenever I went in, the majority of the punters were freely ignoring Mr. Smith's famous dictums on device usage and naughty words. I kept schtum, and my phone stayed in my pocket. As someone who wasn't a "regular", I knew not to push my luck.

The Belle has endured several periods of closure over the last decade, and not all of them due to COVID. Regular observers of the Sam's scene over the years will know the drill. One day, things were normal and the next the front door was mysteriously shut with a notice taped to the window saying "MANAGEMENT COUPLE REQUIRED" and a phone number printed below (Humphrey's own, if rumours are to be believed). This would persist for months until the next pair of suckers, sorry, young hopefuls, came in to take over. Amazingly for Preston, the leaded windows remained unsmashed, as if any potential vandal feared Humphrey would charge down the road at them, demand they repair the damage and, the horror, take over the pub themselves. At the OBB, the latest new managers moved in just before Christmas 2025. By all accounts, they're doing OK.

What will happen now the Humph regime is putatively over is anyone's guess. It's presumed his son, Samuel, will take over. Young Sam has experience, as he's run the London end of the pub estate for several years, and apparently is reckoned to be more liberal on the "draconian" rules about mobile phones and swearing than Old Dad was. But this is more likely due to the location. After all, it's one thing to lay down the law to a bunch of dishevelled locals in deprived Northern towns, but quite another to the overseas tourists who might wander into The Olde Cheshire Cheese in Holborn. My prediction is that Mr. Smith Jr. will keep things the way they are.

Of course, there is a twist on Humphrey's legacy, and one not too well known in the beer blog world who have narrow horizons about refurbs, beer prices and megalomanical owners. Sam Smith's owns the Fitzroy Tavern in Soho and for many years from the early 1990s it was the main meeting place of the capital's Doctor Who fans. And there in their dozens they would drink cheap lager and plot and plan for the day they would take over the show and make it in their image. And, yes, the last three showrunners of Doctor Who - Russell T. Davies. Steven Moffat and Chris Chibnall - were regulars at the Tav. And sometimes, there may even have been a woman there, but sources vary as always.

So, we can look at what Humphrey Smith achieved in his life. The preservation of a pub estate. The questionable employment practices. The really cheap beer. The ruination of a UK television franchise, even. Would we all ever look back at our lives and think we'd even done a tenth as much.

Yesterday's Gone

2026-06-21T05:15:05.983-07:00

I was browsing BlueSky yesterday. A probably futile activity, I know. My low-engagement presence there doesn't garner anything like my former reputation on Twitter did a decade ago, mainly because I don't do many "interactions". If anything best describes BlueSky, it's the word "beige". The butterfly logo should really be replaced with that of a bowl of tapioca pudding.

I'm not the only one to have noticed. It seems that BlueSky isn't, you know, as exciting for beer discourse as Twitter was.

Normally on BlueSky, such sentiments would engender rapid condemnation, if not outright cancellation. But not this time. Most said that yes, despite the wholesale migration of Beer Twitter to BlueSky about 18 months ago, there is a lot less discussion than there used to be. Everyone is there, but they're not saying much these days.

If you can remember the beer scene of 10 years ago, everything seemed new and exciting. New breweries and bars were popping up weekly, especially in the places where there were large concentrations of Young People. Out were the staid old locals, dull beer and Wetherspoons habituees and in were cloudy IPAs, street food and "progressive" events. But like all things that were popular, they eventually became unpopular as the trend-seekers either grew past it, or sought better remunerated activities elsewhere. The world, apparently, can't be changed one pint at a time.

So, as the old scene declines, there is simply less to talk about. Craft beer is rarely discussed in the mainstream media any more, unless some scandal or financial disaster happens. The few remaining niche writers trundle about the remaining craft outlets picking up the last scraps of news and freebies (all YOURS on Patreon for £1 a month!). And the world, as ever moves on.

Perhaps one day the pendulum will swing back, maybe in a decade when the next lot of 21-year-olds come along and need something new to define themselves against the previous generation. But the present, the "beer social" scene has retreated back to niche it occupied 20 years ago. It will never truly die completely, but it won't be as visible as it was in 2018.

Maybe like Doctor Who, it needs a bit of rest before a new group of people can make it relevant again.

Uncertain Times

2025-11-02T02:14:00.000-08:00

Purple haze

As befitting my approaching status as an Official Old Man, I remember the Old Days here in Preston. 2013 to be exact, and it's longer ago than you think. Back then, you would struggle to get a decent pint in the town (yes, it's still town to me). Perhaps the Old Black Bull would have something reasonable on, if you could get the attention of miserable old Stan to serve you. But apart from that, it was either the Spoons Lottery at the Grey Friar, or a 20 minute trek down Fishergate Hill to The Continental. So I used to go to Lancaster, which had a better offering.

On my trips to Lancaster on the 40/41 bus, I passed a place called The Moorbrook and it was not in good shape. Owned by Thwaites at the time, said brewery preferred to invest in the (now closed) Lamb & Packet and the (now closed) New Welcome. "Oh look," I thought as my bus trundled up North Road "has The Moorbrook fallen down yet?"

Around this time, Thwaites were seeing a limited future for town centre pubs and were flogging them off. The Moorbrook was deemed surplus to requirements and provisionally sold to a student housing company. But, and here's where the story really begins, said company did not come up with the cash, so Thwaites passed it on to the second highest bidder, who happened to be the mother of Jeremy Rowlands, owner of the Continental. After a bit of basic refurb, they installed erstwhile Conti employee Richard Fisher-Godwin as manager.

If you've ever been to The Moorbrook, you'll know its main problem as a pub is its location. The sole survivor of a Victorian terrace, it's on the side of of a Y-junction, surrounded by sketchy-to-cross roads and large retail units, There's very little chance a bog-standard pub with a bog standard drink selection would survive long there, and indeed the vast majority of pubs in the area have closed down in the last 30 years. Luckily, at this time the whole "craft beer" thing was taking off. Rich duly installed microbrewed cask ales on the pump, and probably Preston's first ever "craft keg" selection on the taps. It duly opened in May 2014, to so much local publicity that even I went there for the opening.

Preston's beer scene since has pretty much followed where The Moorbrook led off. The town has plenty of choice these days. Even the Spoons upped its game. The Moorbrook however, given said location has had to keep on offering more and more in an increasingly costly and crowded market. Pizzas, a sheltered beer garden, football away-day trips, food home deliveries, constant menu innovations and even painting the frontage purple to stand out better. Whereas a town centre pub like The Black Horse can rely on passing trade, The Moorbrook has to be a "destination".

I assume keeping all these balls in the air must get exhausting after a decade or so, and a couple of days ago Rich announced he was moving on from The Moorbrook in January. As such, the future of the pub is up in the air. While it's not likely to be targeted for the student housing market this time (numerous blocks have been built in the area in the past few years), finding someone with the required skillset to run such a pub will be a challenge. They'll need someone with knowledge of drinks, food, management AND promotional skills.

The Moorbrook has an excellent reputation in the town and with the locals. As a pub, it's pleasingly "non-corporate", but hasn't overdone the decor to the point of tweeness like is seen with a lot of independent free houses. But you do wonder what might happen if someone with a different vision to Richard Fisher-Godwin takes over.

You Can't Get There From Here

2025-09-11T00:54:00.000-07:00

Experiences

Was it ever going to end any other way? One of the major bugbears of anyone travelling to a major event is "Why are they all in London? It's a long way from me!" (of course, the rail network is specifically designed for no other reason than to get from Anywhere to London quickly). CAMRA have found out why the big stuff happens in London. In moving the Great British Beer Festival to the NEC in Birmingham, they turned a moderately unprofitable event into a six-figure loss-maker. And based on the attendance figures, it will likely be the last of its kind.

That sound you're hearing right now is the CAMRA National Executive tightening its belt. The £320k shortfall at the GBBF has no doubt resulted in it being pulled a few more notches than otherwise intended at the start of this financial year. The savings targets are what you'd expect - moving printed matter to digital, and vague talk of "being leaner", "streamlining" and ending "nice to haves".

If we're being honest here, the financial climate in the UK has not been great for a long time, so it's surprising CAMRA hasn't seen this looming over the horizon for a while. Discretionary spending is down, and prices in pubs have only been going up. But CAMRA's main enemy is simply the passing of time.

CAMRA's membership, despite the impression you'd get from the literature and posters, has skewed to the elderly for some considerable time. I've heard I'm in the youngest 20% of members - and I'm 50 in three months. There's always been churn as the older members, well, die off. The problem in recent years is they're not being replaced. The org's traditional recruitment method was to get people into beer festivals and sign them up to a direct debit (a practice frowned upon by even the rapacious Street Fundraising companies, but I'll let that slide for now), but as Beer Fest numbers decline, so do the potential new members.

Average cask ale drinkers

The "Young People" (by which I mean the under-40s) CAMRA want to attract rarely go to things like Beer Fests. They have a reputation as being infested with middle-aged, drunken, bigoted and sexist dinosaurs. If the Millennials drink at all, it's either at home or quiet times where they can use their phones in a corner. And as for CAMRA's offer? If you become one of the desperately-needed "active volunteers", the activities offered are a combination of an OAP's charabanc and a 70s trade union branch meeting. As a result, CAMRA will likely be moribund within the next decade.

I did joke on X yesterday that maybe CAMRA could make up the losses by sending membership forms to the UK's retirement homes and sheltered housing schemes. But on consideration, I think these are the only people who would seriously consider joining now.

Every Dog Has Its Day

2025-07-25T06:08:00.000-07:00

I may as well admit it now. BrewDog and I have history. This blog was making fun of them long before it was fashionable. Back in the day, 12 years ago amazingly enough, those plucky young upstarts from Ellon were shaking up the craft brewing scene with stunts and other assorted attention-grabbing publicity. I'd love to be able to say I saw straight through them from the very beginning. But I just thought they were ridiculous and needed making fun of. And the hipster posturing with over-hopped beer and distressed typefaces was a trout in a teacup as far as targets went in 2013.

The actual beer BrewDog made at the time was still reasonably ok as far as I recall. I ordered a few from the website (navingating past the "opportunity" to become an Equity Punk, of course) and even visited their now soon to be closed bar in Camden. It was echoey and expensive, but there was clearly a market for such things back then. There was a formula behind it, clearly, but it seemed reasonably innocent and authentic.

2017 was, I think, the point when questions started to be asked. BrewDog's founders James Watt and Martin Dickie sold a large chunk of the company to private equity house, TSG Consumer Partners. At that point, people began to wonder it BrewDog was as "punk" as it claimed to be. It seems laughable in retrospect, really, as Watt and Dickie were clearly on the same startup/grow/sell out path as all those other "upstart" businesses like Innocent Smoothies and Teapigs. The difference being was that craft beer is seen as a "community" and sellouts are seen as a "betrayal". It's likely that BrewDog never came back from this.

Ex-fishing boat captain and friend, yesterday

A few years of misfired publicity, a highly critical BBC documentary, and the questionable antics of James Watt himself later, BrewDog as a brewer and bar owner is barely mentioned now in what remains of the "beer communication industry". Punk IPA is now a commodity product sold in Wetherspoons and Tesco. The bars are much the same as they were in 2013, with their now dated menus and industrial design aesthetic. James Watt is virtually a pariah due to his many "sins" both serious and minor - being one of many people using "neurodiversity" as an excuse for dubious behaviour. And the company itself? The FT has revealed that BrewDog is loss-making, debt-ridden and its shares virtually worthless.

Is BrewDog doomed? Hard to say. They've announced closures of 10 bars, but service businesses both good and bad close branches all the time. It could become yet another piece of corporate infrasructure to be sold off either whole or piece-by-piece, or it could just rumble on as a zombie business for a few more years. Either way, Jimmy has made his pile and is no doubt looking to get out and spend more time with his Made In Chelsea wife and banal YouTube channel.

What I think will doom BrewDog in the end is the fact the world has moved on and it hasn't. It's just not fashionable any more. Every dog has its day, and this dog has had it.

Compulsory Post This Year At The Final Opportunity

2024-12-31T12:29:00.000-08:00

The Future

It's not been the best of years, has it?

Remember ten years ago? Beer wasn't everywhere then, but it was spreading. New micropubs opening at those empty units in town, new breweries opening in the nearby industrial estate. Even hitherto dull locals were expanding their ranges to get a piece of the beer geek pie.

Like all new things, though, it eventually became old. The peak had passed by the end of 2018 and the scene was slowly declining until we hit March 2020. And we know what happened then.

After we emerged, blinking, into the streets where we'd barely set foot for a year, it was found that it wasn't what we thought it was. No, there wasn't an enormous market for microbrewed craft beer of uncertain quality. No, not everyone wanted to sit on hard stools in draughty, haphazardly constructed bars. And no, there wasn't any money in it unless you were (a) lucky and (b) flogged yourself to death.

Halfway throught the third decade of the 21st century, a lot of people are now scrabbling. Licenced premises are closing by the score every month and breweries and distros are retrenching. Beer is supposed to be fun, and fun is nowhere to be found these days. Taking the piss seems, well, a bit harsh.

Is there any hope? Dunno about you, but I ain't seeing it. Easy for me, stood at the bar of the Black Horse with 10 cask lines to choose from, but is that really representative of the beer and pub scene in 2025? I doubt it. If things will ever get better, they will surely have to get worse first.

Paradise Garden

2023-02-24T03:51:00.005-08:00

Timbo's Dream

One thing you rarely encounter in a tightly-packed and traffic-addled city centre like Preston's is a pub with a proper beer garden. All the pubs are either built into the streets with minimal space out back, or they're micros with only enough room for a delivery van at the rear. The most you're likely to get is a poky, concreted area either out front or behind. So you'd think sticking a few extra seats outside the Greyfriar, one of Preston's two Wetherspoons (see above) wouldn't be such a big deal. But as usual, Preston's esteemed town planners are having none of it.

Used during good weather, honest

This is what the area in question presently looks like. One of the main objections to Wetherspoon's plan is that the only "greenery" in that part of the area is being removed to make room for more tables and chairs. At the moment, it can accommodate 25-30 people, but this would have been bumped up to 78 with the removal of these (somewhat worse for wear) raised planters. The planners deem this as unacceptable as it will have an "unacceptable impact" on the surroundings. And what are the 'surroundings' around here like? Well...

Nice tiles on Old Black Bull. Shame about the beer

This is the view directly in front. Don't mind the barriers, as I'm sure they'll be gone soon when the County Council finally finish the latest updates to the ring road. Here you can see a Premier Inn and the old Public Hall. If you look just round the corner on the right, you get an excellent view of a long-vacant Office Outlet that's peeling off 40 years worth of paint jobs. Oh, and by the digger is where a 150-year old sycamore tree used to be before it was unceremoniously chopped last year to make way for more paving. So much for "greenery".

Jobcentre Plus located directly behind Spoons.
Saves time, I guess.

Let's look to the left. Here we see the road heading up to the famous Bus Station. Across the street is a small park which can look ok on sunny summer days (greenery!). But all you can see here otherwise is unprepossessing 60s grey concrete office buildings. The large one in the centre is Limehouse, a recent conversion to residential city living. Unseen behind that is a recently flattened area (formerly a car park and covered market) which will soon house a chain cinema, some chain restaurants and, as revealed this week - a chain bar. We are, apparently, looking forward to this.

The other side of the traditional Preston 'money shot'
up Friargate towards the Harris

To the right of this is the Friargate side of the town's mall - the St. George's Centre. This was built in the 1990s and is presently completely vacant - including a Marie Celeste-like branch of Patisserie Valerie which has all the tables, seats, cleaning sprays and sugar sachets still in situ despite being closed since 2020. This whole arcade was going to become a selection of bistros with outdoor dining and plants and stuff providing excellent views of Preston's branch of Wilko, but fell through due to COVID19. Future plans are unknown.

As you may have gathered, I am somewhat sceptical about the reasons given by the planners for disallowing this outdoor Spoons seating. Plants removed? Plenty of trees in view here that are more impressive than the few bushes that were due to be binned. Street clutter from the new permanent fencing? Well, Friargate is already a sea of A-boards from all the eating and drinking establishments at this end of the road ready to catch out the unwary and/or drunk. Not that I know anything about that, of course.

I suspect it's rather more that the planners want to improve, indeed gentrify, this end of Friargate leading as it does to all the expensive new university buildings in Adelphi. And what could be less "improving" than 78 pub punters sat outside a Wetherspoons smoking and drinking cheap lager? Probably best to shunt those kind of people back to their normal habitat at Hogarths on Church Street or The Golden Cross on Lancaster Road.

We'll see what happens when all those barriers are removed from the road and that area is fully pedestrianised. But I'm just not seeing how a few extra seats outside the Greyfriar would really make the Friargate/Ringway junction look any worse.

Stab Factory

2022-11-14T12:04:00.000-08:00

Social distancing par excellence

Remember the days when every man, woman, dog, cat and lesser spotted flycatcher had plans to open a micropub? Seemed like back in 2018-19, they were closing small local shops and estate agents just so they could bung in a few tables, chairs and handpumps. They were opening everywhere, and sometimes in locations which nobody could imagine such a business prospering in.

Now, Ashton-on-Ribble. I really don't want to be too harsh on the place, as I used to work with several people who live there, but salubrious and well-heeled it is not. If you see it mentioned in the local news outlets, it's unlikely to be for happy reasons. But it had an empty shop unit, so a 'local entrepreneur' opened a micropub in it, during the otherwise unprosperous time of July 2020. I checked it out at the time, note the 'micropub by numbers' decor and thought "Funny place to put it, but it should do ok as there's nothing like this round here."

I've often said that no matter what is attempted or intended upon opening, a new pub will quickly find its clientele and gravitate towards that. And so it happened with the Tulketh Tap Room. The signs that all was not well showed within a month or so of trading when it was reported for violating then-current rules on social distancing, something I also observed on my second (and to date, final) visit around this time. Last summer, it even closed as it was having trouble getting customers to abide by the regs, though some were sceptical on how hard the owners were trying to ensure compliance.

Since the final scrapping of most COVID measures in July 2021, this obviously hasn't been an issue. But issues are what keeps happening at Tulketh Tap. If you talk to anyone about the place, you'll hear the tales of bar fights, lock-ins, drug dealing and mass brawls on the streets outside. And most pub customers when upset with the service usually just complain to the management. In Ashton, they put a molotov cocktail underneath the manager's car.

The local licencing authorities in Preston are not known for heavy handedness (if they were, probably half the pubs on Friargate would be on some kind of watch), but even they have had enough of the Tulketh Tap Room. The licence is up for review, and few people in the know expect it to still be open next week. And to be honest, it would not be missed. It's not even the only micropub in the immediate area any more, though no doubt its existence has performed some kind of social service keeping certain characters out of the Tap End.

Though as the Tap End has been listed in the 2023 Good Beer Guide, the Tulketh Tap's probable closure has saved some unwary tickers an "interesting" experience if they haven't been following the Google Maps blue dot closely enough..

Pushback

2022-11-06T06:46:00.002-08:00

As unlikely as it may seem, there's Panic On The Streets Of Fulwood, an otherwise leafy and sonambulant suburb of Preston. And what exactly is the cause of this disquiet? A micropub. Or rather, a micropub that does not exist.

You may have read (on the internet, of course) that a lot of printed media will be extinct by 2030. The owner of Fulwood's only newsagent has read this too, and wants to convert his shop to a licenced premises. And the locals are unhappy.

If you've ever read the standard objections of residents to a new pub, or indeed anything that may change the "character" of an area, this will sound very familiar. Noise. Drunks. Cars. Violence. Cigarette ends. General undesirable characters. And aren't there enough pubs already?

Most of the objections are the usual spurious nonsense. Broadway News is on a road just off Garstang Road, the major northbound route to Junction 32 of the M6, so cars and noise are a given. Fulwood is mainly middle aged and middle class, so drunken violence is unlikely, and it's doubtful the so-called lower orders will walk from Plungington or Cottam to pay micropub prices for lager. As for parked cars, it's pretty much impossible to park anywhere in Fulwood without paying or risking a fine or FPN.

Rampant disorder bistro

It's true there are four other places selling alcoholic drinks within visual distance, but would another tip Garstang Road into chaos? Well, one's the local Indian restaurant and another is a fancy bistro. The other two are The Black Bull, an Ember Inn and Crafty Beggars, the local micropub. While the latter is a Pravha palace, a source of rampant disorder it is not.

So why the vehement objections? My view is it comes down to Fulwood itself. As a resident myself, I'd hesitate to describe it as Nimby Central, but it's certainly odd as far as amenities go. There's no chippy, no takeaways and if anyone ever proposes building anything to solve the area's chronic parking issues, the locals have the plans firmly squashed. They just want the area to remain the same, for ever. This causes problems, and when it does, they want the problems sent elsewhere. Preferably the city centre or the less wealthy areas.

Quiet residential road

If the crowds at Crafty Beggars are anything to go by, Fulwood could easily support another micropub (the local alternatives being the Ember, a Sizzling and a Hungry Horse). It's true these are clustered together near the A6, but being overwhelmingly residential, the streets are too narrow anywhere else to locate a business with a reasonable amount of footfall.

For me personally, I'm more concerned that a newsagent thinks he can run a pub.

System Addict

2022-02-07T11:24:00.003-08:00

Illustration purposes only. These places are not the one that contacted me.

I have a smartphone, and I assume you do too. I'm sure you're aware that it has a built in GPS receiver which can be linked to various apps on your phone. One that's connected on mine is Google Maps. It's sometimes useful in finding places in unfamiliar towns. Yes, I am aware of the privacy concerns, but as Google mainly use this data to target people with advertising, I'm less concerned with sharing it with them than with certain other organisations that have other reasons for wanting to know stuff about me. And also, it can be turned off at any time.

Another thing Google likes to know is information about the places you visit. Now, I tend to linger longest in hospitality businesses, so sometimes I'll get an alert asking me for information about the place I'm sat in. It's generally run-of-the-mill questions such as "Does this place offer takeout?" or "Does this place serve this dish - Ice Cream?". I've yet to discover any personal benefit from answering these beyond a little counter in the top right of the screen going up, but I do it anyway. Adds to the sum of human knowledge, and someone may actually want to visit Preston in the future.

But it also asks you to give a rating of the business, based on a 5 Star system. I generally give 4/5 - my meaning being "this is a good business worthy of your support and custom and is good for repeat visits." I have never given 5/5. That would, by definition, mean perfection. And while perfection is a good thing to strive for, it's unlikely to be acheived in the real world for many reasons.

Unfortunately, some places don't see it this way. Apparently, they live and die by their Google rating. I gave 4/5 to somewhere last week. On Sunday afternoon, they sent me a message saying "Hi, is there anything we can do to get you to change your rating to a 5?" I struggled to think of a reply, as I've been to this place twice a week for the last 6 months and it's been pretty much the same every time. They could make it perfect for ME, I suppose. But what's perfect for me ain't gonna be perfect for everyone. Perhaps they recognised my name and imagined I'm some kind of "influencer" in the pub world. I'm not, but I hope if anyone values my opinions on Preston pubs, they would at least ask me relevant questions instead of searching out my Google ratings.

I'm not going to leave any more ratings.

Old Beer Ads #16 - Guinness (2019)

2021-11-08T10:30:00.001-08:00

Back in March 2019, I was going through what can be described as "personal issues", and was in the unusual position of staying in a Travelodge in my home town. Of course, anyone who's ever stayed in a Travelodge knows there's little to do in your room other than watch the basic TV or fiddle with the bottle opener bolted to the side of the desk. So I went to the local sports bar to watch the IndyCar race.

A sports bar shows sports channels. And sports channels show ads, mainly for alcohol and betting. I don't watch much TV, so I hadn't seen this ad. "Ah, the usual Guinness story-led and artily-shot stuff here.", I imagined. It's a tale of a pair of Welsh brothers spending their inheritance from their late Mam on watching the Six Nations and (naturally) a popular Irish nitrokegged stout. On the insistence of the Terms and Conditions of her will itself, no less.

As we know, Guinness ads generally have odd soundtracks. In fact, one ad in the 1990s was mainly responsible for the brief revival of Easy Listening when it contained a Perez Prado track. So what did they choose for this? Well.

You can imagine the copywriters in Soho storyboarding this. "Yeah, like we've got these Welsh guys, got the rugby, got the beer. But what music?". "I know dude! Remember the best selling instrumental of all-time? We'll use the B-SIDE of it. Like totes amazeballs!". So I sat there in this sports bar surrounded by 20 and 30-somethings troughing burgers and wings, listening to "Jungle Fever" by the Tornados, all the time thinking "I'm the only person in here who knows what this song is."

"Jungle Fever" was of course the B-side of "Telstar", and was written by Geoff Goddard. It ended up on the B as payment from producer Joe Meek to Geoff for providing the majority of vocal and keyboard parts for "Telstar". Ironically, while Joe's royalties for writing the A ended up in courtroom dispute hell, and were only settled after his death, Geoff got half the cash for doing the flipside and was thus the only single person involved in make any money out of a record that sold millions of copies worldwide.

Now, wouldn't THAT story make a great commercial for something....

News in Brief #62

2021-07-05T07:47:00.004-07:00

Colourful

Facebook Group Just Pictures Of Cans

Popular social media beer hangout "Awesome Pennine Craft Beer Guys & Gals" has been revealed this week to be nothing more than a massive photo gallery.

Cornered at his local bottle shop, Facebook group admin Luke Lumberjack-Shirt admitted "Yes, it's true. It's just that I, like, have ALL these cans of craft beer. I've spent so much on them that I'm, like, afraid to open them. I mean look at this pic of my 12% Cloudwater Banana and Paprika sour next to this Polly's Mosaic and Ekuanot DDH NE Triple IPA. See? See how the yellow and purple, like, really sets off the chartreuse and cyan next to it!"

"This REALLY shows off my awesome skills as a photographer and more importantly shows off my awesome stash to other group members who didn't get to the shop fast enough."

"But to be honest," confessed Luke "I tried one of these and it was, like, horrible, dude, so I poured it down the sink. But that's not the point of craft cans, is it?"

Up there with the Sphinx

Mysterious COVID Outbreak At Pub

Popular Wakefield drinking establishment The Slurry Pit has been forced to close due to an unexpected rash of Coronavirus cases amongst its staff and patrons. "It's bizarre," exclaimed landlord Barry Shortmeasure "We've followed all the regulations and everything."

"In fact, just the other day, I was talking to an old boy who was at the bar. And we had a long conversation about this. He said he couldn't believe the Rona was as serious as they made out. 'Jab? Don't need a jab. Had plenty of coughs and colds, me.' he said."

"We had 50 people in the beer garden last Friday and they all seemed fine. In fact, they said my enclosed and covered area was the best pub experience they've had since lockdown." ranted Barry "And I cleaned all my tables with Tesco Value spray at least once a day."

"Then yesterday, I was told by NHS Track & Trace that 14 positive cases were associated with my pub. I just don't understand it. I took every possible precaution."

"And if you don't believe me, ask the HUNDREDS of people who've been stood in my bar during the past fortnight.".

Tasty times

Beer Easy

This week, it has been revealed by a top internet beer magazine writer that brewing beer is, contrary to popular belief, extremely simple.

"You just have to look at history." pontificated dubious scholar Sophie Aubergine-Pickle "They just got a handful of whatever grain they quite literally had to hand, threw it in some water. And left it."

"It stands to reason, doesn't it? The human hand has all kinds of stuff on it. Bacteria. Wild yeast. Skin flakes. That stuff beneath your fingernails. If you leave it long enough, of course fermentation will spontaneously commence. And people back then would drink anything."

"Anyway, got to go. Just been commissioned to do a follow-up to my article where I make beer this way and find some volunteers to try it."

"Would you like to sign this waiver?"

Wandering Through Rona Land

2020-11-22T11:46:00.002-08:00

Coping Skills

I had intended to do a post before now, but something always changes in the whole COVID-19 situation, rendering all my ideas obsolete overnight. But now we're in a period of relative stability (at least until next week when our Beloved Government makes its Christmas plans clear), I can finally get something in writing. So apologies to any readers who may find this stuff even more bizarre and disjointed than usual.

While the pubs were still open, I did my bit, shall we say. I doubted my custom alone would keep the town's pubs going, but let it be said here - I gave it my very best shot. Every Sunday and Monday I did my usual crawl, sinking many pints in the process and reassuring people in social media that though these places were open, the much-expected non-social distancing disasters was not happening. At least where I was going, anyway.

That was in August, and pretty much stayed steady in the vast majority of the pubs I went to until Preston was placed in Tier 3. I made sure I stuck by the rules (one thing about being autistic is that I'm good with "rules" once I'm made aware of them) and stuck it out despite the ever-increasing restrictions. I carried hand sanitiser at all times. I never took my mask off except at my seat. I downloaded the NHS App and checked in at every venue. I even, when usage of public transport was "strongly advised against" for all but essential journeys, walked to town and back instead of taking the bus (a 7 mile round trip). I've served my time in the Rona Trenches to support pubs. I really have.

The final straw for me was the aforementioned Tier 3 announcement. All pubs not serving a "substantial meal" were to close. That kiboshed most of my typical weekend. I contemplated walking to Spoons, or any of the nearby places that do food, sitting on my own with a pizza and 2 pints, then going home (how many "substantial meals" can anyone consume in one day). Any fun I'd have just wasn't worth the effort on top of everything else I'd have to do.

That was 6 weeks ago. We're now 10 days from the current lockdown being lifted. I don't know about you but I'm not holding out much hope for anywhere I'd want to go being open before January at the earliest. Christmas I can see being a total farce, as what business would bother opening (presumably under heavy restrictions) for a week and being shut down again for another month to compensate for the inevitable increase in Coronavirus cases? The ones that do will probably end up sharing the fate of this place near me.

No. I think I'll likely be staying home until 2021. Luckily (?) the Christmas period means we retail workers have plenty to do, so I'm unlikely to be bored. And for leisure - well, plenty of whisky and Green Devil here. Plus "Uncle Matt's Mixtape Factory", the results of which some of you may have seen on another blog. So I'll see you all next year. Probably.

Well, that was depressing, wasn't it? Never mind - for those overly affected by this post, here's some Herb Alpert to cheer you up :

Boarding The Hand Sanitiser Express

2020-07-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

Turns out I didn't go to the pub on "Super Saturday". Not because I was afraid of crowds or stray viral particles (I wouldn't have been able to work where I do for the last 4 months if I was), but because I went to bed very late, woke up even later, and then it was time for the IndyCar race at 5pm. After which, I figured, it wasn't really worth going anywhere. But I did go out Sunday.

As expected, it was a rather strange outing. None of the pubs that I prefer to go to have opened back up yet, so I made up a shortlist of places I knew were open and, if necessary, booked at table.

My first booking was 40 minutes after I arrived in town, so I headed to the Greyfriar, the older of Preston's two Wetherspoons where I at least was reasonably certain there would be some free space. I was greeted at the door as expected, and was asked "You were in last night, weren't you?". Which was peculiar, as not only had I not been there since March, I was still wearing the face mask I had on for the bus journey. Nonetheless, I was pointed towards the hand sanitiser (mostly pure alcohol) and asked to find an empty table.

Picking one at least 5 metres distance from everyone else, I logged into the app and ordered a pint of Punk IPA. It duly arrived and, though I would like to claim that angels descended from the heavens while "Jesu, Joy Of Man's Desiring" played as I took my first sip of draught beer in 15 weeks, it just tasted like Punk. I drained my glass over the next 20 minutes while listening to more explanations about entrances and exit from the door guy and the floor staff dealing with hapless wanderers. So far, so typical.

My 1pm table at Wings & Beer Co. was waiting for me, so I traversed Friargate (noting the locked doors of the Black Horse, though I did discern cleaning activity going on inside, so some hope there at least) past the queue outside Wilko, the numerous either temporarily or permanently closed shops, towards Cannon Street off Fishergate. Again I was greeted at the door, and yes, my name WAS on the list so I WAS coming in. I sanistised my hands again and was taken to the same table Wings & Beer have given me on every visit over the last 2 years (I think it's their only table for 2).

F1. No, I didn't fall asleep

After figuring out their ordering system (turns out you log on to an external website which takes you to a menu giving the "offer" of the place the GPS says you're in), I ordered more Punk and sat down for the next 2 and a half hours watching the football and Formula One, occasionally sanitising my hands with the provided bottle on my table. It was a bit greasy, to be honest. After my 2nd pint of Punk here, I decided to mix it up a bit. Hey, if I'm risking my health here, I thought, I may as well be equally dangerous with drinks. I ordered an Estrella Damm. Yeah.

By the time I polished that off, my table slot was up and I decided to vacate it before I was requested. Next stop was the Twelve Tellers, the "other" Spoons in town. Here I was greeted by THREE members of staff, requested to sanitise my hands and was ESCORTED by a visor-wearing team member to a table at the far end of the building. "I hope the app works this far out." I said. Thankfully, it did and I got my first pint of cask since March 19th. Three Bs bitter wouldn't have been my first choice for this, but you take what you can get these days. I filled in the form I was given and had a couple of pints. Say what you like about Timbo Martin, and I have, but his staff are very efficient and well trained.

Upon leaving by the designated exit, I dropped my form off in the box and headed off to the bus station. Looking up Church Street, I saw Ye Olde Blue Bell in the distance. Closed, of course. They must be needing the extra time to put up all those extra Humphrey Smith-mandated notices about social distancing, masks at the bar and price increases. If all this is true, I expect the place to be boarded up by September.

Coming soon. Probably

I put the mask back on, boarded the deserted bus back home (seeing on the journey the folorn-looking Plug & Taps with boards on the windows - one day, yes, one day) , and decided to stop off at the Black Bull for a final pint. This is an Ember Inn and expectations were duly set to low. Here, the sanitiser was squirted unprompted into my hands (it smelled of tequila, oddly - I'm becoming quite the connoisseur of hand sanitiser now) and I was given what amounted to a guided tour of the pub, being admonished because I started to queue before the guy had finished. Noting only one handpump on, I ordered another Estrella and went to sit outside. It was quite breezy, but not cold. Looking across the A6, I could see Fulwood's new micropub (opening later this week, or so they say), and thanked the deity of your choice that there will soon be better options here than this place.

When I got home, I pondered the day and "the new normal". As my usual haunts were all shut, I didn't have a single conversation with anyone as I didn't see anyone I knew at the 4 places I visited, so if it's going to be like this every time, I doubt I'd go out often. And the queueing and app ordering? Well, could breweries with deep pockets pay extra to get themselves up to the top of the app's beer list or have a really prominent display in the queue area for people to look at while they're in line? It would explain why I had two pints of Estrella that day. And how long will people put up with movement restrictions if they're no big spike in cases? Will things just gradually shuffle back to how they were in time? These are questions that aren't going to be answered today, but will be soon.

But on the bright side, my hands have never been cleaner.

For The Record

2020-07-01T12:23:00.002-07:00

This apparently slowly tapering-off pandemic lockdown is dragging a bit now, isn't it? 15 weeks, right. I'm not sure, as I lost count over a month ago. Not going anywhere but home or work will do that to you. Surely everyone is starting to run out of things to do by now, right? I've been spending Friday nights making mixtapes to play at work on my 1985 boombox to my (presumably) bemused colleagues. Bet they've not heard Lieutenant Pigeon or The Pipkins for a while. Still, all things, good, bad, or indifferent must come to an end.

The Pubs Are Re-Opening On 4th Of July.

Or, at least that's the message that's been hammered into us over the last fortnight. Truth is, a lot won't be. Many licencees have questioned the wisdom of opening on a Saturday where even those who haven't been furloughed will away from work and, with a general expectation of carnage, are going for a softer opening later in the week. Others have unleashed the tape measure and figured out that their pub isn't going to be viable with even 1-metre-plus social distancing. Some probably haven't even decided yet. But if so, with 3 days to go, they'd best decide soon.

In Preston, I know at least 3 of my regular haunts are doing the above, so it does make me wonder whether it's worth donning a face mask and paying £4 for the bus just to queue outside the town's two Spoons in, as is quite likely here, crappy weather. As I result, I'm spending my week off checking social media and the local news for info about who's doing what and how they're going to do it. Though a lot of places have been very quiet about it, which isn't making it easy.

As for how the day itself will go, well, if you thought the uncertainty of when pubs will reopen again was bad, it's nothing like the predictions of what may happen on 4/7. I've heard everything from landlords worried they've spent time and effort on enabling social distancing only to be confronted with a deserted pub as everyone has either been put off or scared away, to predictions of complete and utter bacchanalian orgies with unconscious drunks in the street and people pissing all over the town square. My suspicion is they'll be a few pockets of both, but mostly things will be underwhelming and slightly disappointing. "We waited 3-and-a-half months for that?"

So will I be going out, if only to say I was there? At the moment, I'm undecided. I'd want at least 3 places to go to, so as I don't have to spend hours sitting by myself in a Spoons isolation pod, or on a wet seat in a beer garden in the rain. I'd probably need an itinerary too, which I don't usually do unless it's Mad Friday. And if it gets too crowded, I'd need a quick exit plan. So who knows?

Maybe I'll be making more mixtapes this Friday.

The Lizards Guide To Surviving The Lockdown : Part Two - The Bloggers Advise

2020-05-16T20:07:00.001-07:00

Eight weeks? Yes, it's been eight weeks now. Have YOU gone insane yet? Have YOU covered your walls in unsettling, strange pictures with a chartreuse Crayola? Have YOU baked a life-size effigy of Captain Tom with your panic-bought hoard of flour? Have YOU even started watching BBC3? If so, you're not alone. Probably.

Any kind of pub-type experience is at least ten weeks away at this point, so at best we're not even halfway through this yet. But if you, dear reader, think that you are suffering, imagine the travails of those most affected by this ordeal - the pub and beer bloggers of the UK. As this particular blog is among those that are most well-regarded and connected, we at Seeing The Lizards have asked a select group of other bloggers on how they're coping while cut off from their usual stimuli. And, importantly, how much they're drinking as a result.

All responses have been anonymised for their (and quite probably your) safety.

- - - - - - - - - -

"Ah've been handling this lock-doon very well, if ah do say so mahself. Though it's a braw job ah wisnae stuck doon in London wi' all those southern jessies and their awfy bad beer wi' nae sparklers. Plenty o'thermometers here too tae check if ah get the Rona. In the meantime, ah'm goan through ma collection of old brewery crap ah got while scaring the reps senseless back when ah was a CAMRA Brewery Liasion Officer. Right noo, ah'm off doon the offy for a carry-oot o'Fever Tree and Plymouth which should last me the neet!" Alcohol units consumed since 23rd March - 175.

"Though you'd think these events would affect our business model somewhat, it's actually been very productive for us. At our blog, we've been posting links, giving our customers (readers) teaser extracts from our next book, posting links, organising themed posts with other bloggers to post links to on our blog, posting links, using other blog posts to 'springboard' our own and, of course, posting links. We've also been writing EXCLUSIVE CONTENT, which you can access by signing up to our Patreon for as little as ONE DOLLAR a month. Don't forget to check out our pledge tiers for extra bonuses too!" Alcohol units consumed since 23rd March - Click here for EXCLUSIVE CONTENT.

"To be honest with you, this lockdown is a bit like being a hostage in Beirut in the 1980s. But without the blindfolds and beatings, of course! I can't do my usual thing of travelling and taking bizarre and probably inappropriate pics now, so I've mainly been deleting all the emails I'm getting from Amazon asking me why I've not used my Dash button for green highlighters in two months! Though my faithful readers can be assured I'll carry on taking scary photos of myself holding cleaning products. I'll probably be drinking them too by July as well!" Alcohol units consumed since 23rd March - 80 (100 if you're counting Toilet Duck and Flash)

"Like thousands of other people, I'm working from home at the moment. Well, actually, I always did, really. But make no mistake - I am working. Despite what some haters seem to think, setting up Zoom meetings with brewers, shop owners and other journalists so we can tell each other how awesome we are is, like, really hard dude. The other hard part is actually having to go out and, like, buy beer with money and stuff. The freebies from Europe are taking ages to get here, man. I'm almost out of spare cash too, so I'll probably have to ask dad for some. I mean - ask him to invest in an Awesome Online Beer Magazine That Will One Day Probably Do A Print Edition. Value of investments can go up or down." Alcohol units consumed since 23rd March - 2

"I've heard some people have been really bored during this lockdown. Not me - I'm making sure to plan for an uncertain future while I still can. I've been going round the cash machines of my local town and emptying them of money, lest the government use COVID-19 as an excuse to ban cash altogether. It's a free country, or so they tell us. Also, I've been wrapping my house in tinfoil to make sure no puritan busybodies grab my data while I'm ordering Dreamies and Badger Tanglefoot from Sainsbury's. Though I have been pursuing leisure too - I've been playing all my prog rock albums non-stop since March. I've got through six of them so far." Alcohol units consumed since 23rd March - 100

"Lockdown? What lockdown? It's life as usual for me! Just let me open this bottle of whisky here. Yep. Life as usual. Sitting in bed browsing Amazon for paisley shirts and clicking on eBay's selection of obsolete audio equipment while listening to music that no person with a sane mind would put on the turntable in 2020. Yeah, I've not been to the pub for a while, but to be quite honest I've forgotten all about them. Oh look, is that a new video about acoustic gramophones on YouTube? I'll queue that one up behind that two hour one on reel-to-reel tape recorders. Damn, the whisky bottle's empty again. Where did I leave that carrier bag? Look, I'll write another blog post one day. Just have to figure out which keyboard to aim for." Alcohol units consumed since 23rd March - 845,231

The Lizards Guide To Surviving The Lockdown : Part One - Make Your Own Pub Experience

2020-05-04T10:15:00.003-07:00

We in the UK have been holed up for 6 weeks now. Everyone's done their best to amuse themselves - trying to bake that Instagrammable sourdough; watching Bob Ross paint on TV to assuage anxiety; randomly mixing the last few millilitres of all the drinks cabinet booze bottles in seach of cocktail epiphany. But what everyone here really wants to do is to go down the pub.

Unfortunately, even if you were allowed past the top of your street, there are no open pubs to go to (unless, nudge nudge wink wink, you "know" somebody). But never fear - in one of the gestures of community spirit and generosity that this blog is famous for, we at Seeing The Lizards are providing you with an instructional guide to make your own preferred pub experience without having to leave your property boundaries and risk being fined by the fuzz. And remember, getting those subtle touches right only adds to the sense of authenticity, as is imagining the requisite atmosphere.

No thanks are required, just send Green Devil.

* * * *

Suburban Local - First of all, start up your hob and begin cooking four meals of clashing cuisines and set up a fan to blow the aromas into your living room. Place random logs and semi-burnt out candles "artistically" round your fireplace and select Chicago's Greatest hits on Spotify. After taking the cushion out of your armchair, sit down as low as possible while drinking a pint of cheap balsamic vinegar. If you have small children, get them to run around squealing while squirting ketchup and mayonnaise over everything and everyone.

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH - Hang unrelated pictures of sheep on the walls.

ATMOSPHERE : Tedious

* * * *

Micropub - Surely you have a few old pumpclips lying around. Yes, that's it, stick them ALL on the walls. Find the largest window in your house and put a table and chair next to it. Command your pet dog to either sit there and demand treats or simply chew up all your belongings. Decorate your table with old CAMRA magazines and a week's worth of the Daily Mirror. Finally, install a large plasterboard wall smack in the middle of the room, at a stroke halving how much space you have move about in.

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH - Drink a beer you've never seen before and never will again.

ATMOSPHERE : Claustrophobic

* * * *

J.D. Wetherspoon - Go to the garage and find all the old paint tins you have and tip them randomly all over the living room carpet. When it's dry, mix up a batch of golden syrup and breadcrumbs and spread evenly on every flat surface. Set up all the screens in the house to silent and subtitled, and tune into the snooker or BBC News 24. Then go to your fridge where you keep your drinks and wait. And wait. And wait.

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH : Read UKIP's 2015 Election leaflets while saying "At least it's cheap."

ATMOSPHERE : Disconcerting

* * * *

Brewery Tap - Is your lounge full of comfortable and tasteful soft furnishings? Well, you won't be needing them, then. Chuck the carpet, curtains and 3-piece suite into a skip outside. Replace all your halogens and CFDs with a single 250 watt bare-filament lightbulb. Install a single metal stool and patio table on the naked concrete floor and turn your air-conditioning up to full until the temperature is -2 degrees Celsius. And remember to chill your drink to -10 to make it seem cold by comparison.

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH : Use an old, rusty oil drum as the toilet.

ATMOSPHERE : Exclusive

* * * *

Samuel Smiths - Switch off all electronic devices and move everything invented after 1895 into the spare room. Paint everything a fetching shade of burgundy and cover all brand names with a white rose. Place passive-aggressive notices everywhere about things you are not allowed to do while here, and pretend you want to talk to everyone while wondering what's going on on Facebook and Instagram. If you hear something you don't like, throw everyone out of the house, board up the windows and doors, and put a big rock on the driveway to prevent them from trying to get back in.

ADDED SUBTLE TOUCH - Sack your family and start legal proceedings against them.

ATMOSPHERE : Fearful

The Session #144 - Idle Hands Are The Green Devil's Playthings

2020-05-01T17:46:00.002-07:00

So, along with my other things resurrected during lockdown madness, The Session (Beer Blogging Friday) is back. I didn't participate too often in it back in the day, but as with a lot of people now, I have the time. So thanks to Alistair at fuggled.net for this topic - "Basically, tell us where you are at." And I know it's Saturday now here in the UK, but I only finished work at midnight. It's still Friday somewhere, surely?

Me? I'm probably coping a lot better than some. It isn't the lockdown that gets me down. No, being autistic means I have very good self-reliance and have the ability to find entertainment for myself. YouTube videos, looking up stuff I'm interested in, browsing eBay etc. etc. A lot of people would find this dull and lacking in social stimuli, but I'm ok with it.

Fun times

Work is a different matter. Not only am I a "key worker", I'm one of those "key workers" who has to go out and deal with the public every day. Some of whom may be carrying COVID-19 and not especially diligent about social distancing while out shopping. To be honest, it's a relief to get home and shut the door and not have to worry about someone leaning over me and coughing. Though on the plus side, I've never seen so many happy faces when I push a trolley-load of flour towards the Home Baking section.

Thankfully, as I work in a shop, I can make sure I get the stuff I want. Mainly Oakham Green Devil, Grant's whisky, and McVities digestives. As I've said many times over the last six weeks, you have to cling onto your small pleasures now, as it's pretty much all you have left. I have a routine now. Get up, go to work at 3pm, finish at midnight, crack open a few Green Devils while making today's version of Mexican food with whatever ingredients I've found, have large whisky and go to bed. Repeat for the last month.

"How do you cope?" With this. LIKE OBVS.

Am I missing pubs? Yes, the chance to go out the pubs of Preston on Sunday and Monday was one of the things that got me through the weekful of retail nonsense that supermarkets are these days. I miss sitting outside Plug & Taps waiting for it to open at 1pm, then spending 3 hours drinking and talking complete bollocks for the 3 hours, before moving onto the Black Horse and consuming unwisely strong beer, then going to Vinyl Tap and making them put Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass's Going Places on the turntable, before finally having my final pint at the Moorbrook which I may even vaguely remember. Yeah, I miss that.

How do you fill the time freed up by not doing very much? Well, stuff that previously seemed silly eventually starts sounding like a good idea. Hey, it's a sunny Sunday! Why not do a video of me sitting in my back garden drinking Buckfast while "The Mexican Shuffle" plays from an 80s cassette boombox? Yeah, why not? I'd never have done that had I been out at the pub that day, or watching the IndyCar race from Circuit Of The Americas at Wings & Beer Co. This lockdown is going to carry on for a good few weeks, so who knows what kind of bizarre, dubious nonsense my brain will start conjuring up? Stay tuned.

I'll be fine. I've not drunk myself to death, died of boredom, or caught the Corona (despite the best efforts of some of my customers and colleagues). I can deal with waiting. The only frustration is the uncertainty...

Old Beer Ads #15 - Oranjeboom (1983)

2020-04-27T06:20:00.002-07:00

Continuing the lockdown-inspired practice of blog grave-robbing, I'm digging up a series I've not posted on for 5 years. This is also partially inspired by the return of Van Der Valk to the UK's TV screens.

Belying it's current reputation a black-tinned cornershop-stocked super-strength filth, Oranjeboom pilsner was once quite popular in the UK, and was promoted with ads such as this, rammed full of all the Dutch stereotypes the copywriters could think of. And as we all know, the only tune to come out of the Netherlands was "Eye Level", used as the theme tune to the aforementioned Amsterdam-set detective show. One presumes the agency couldn't get a whole Edam cheese to ride a bicycle next to a canal, so they went for animated kitchen tiles. No doubt a similar effect could be acheived by drinking several cans of Oranjeboom 8.5 at home.

Ironically, despite the Low Countries overload presented here, the end of the ad proudly proclaims it's now brewed in the UK, joining the plethora of faux-Eurolagers that were depressingly common in the 80s. Just like "Eye Level" itself, a 'Dutch' tune orchestrated by a man from Market Harborough.

As a bonus, here's the Simon Park Orchestra on Top Of The Pops in 1973, when the BBC had to have them on as "Eye Level" had got to #1. And of course they had to wear orange jumpers. Because Holland, y'know?

Traditions

2020-04-18T05:11:00.002-07:00

Aren't I lucky? A shelf full of Bucky

During these strange times, you often find yourself doing things to fill up the day. Stuff that you would never normally do and that others would find quite peculiar. Such as making a jewellry box out of laser-cut plywood, or recording Gene Pitney's hits onto cassette tape, or doing group video chats while consuming unwise amounts of whisky. Such is life when there a no pubs to go to, and no immediate sign of there being so in the near future.

For me, the past two weeks have been like this - get up, go to work, stay there till Midnight (for maximum social distancing), go home, eat, have a few beers and go back to bed. The thing about this routine, is you have very little to look forward too at the end of the week. Basically, it's the same as a work day, only without the work.

And as such, you try to find the smallest thing about your old life to hang onto. With me, it will be Buckfast Sunday. Let me explain - every Sunday at 3pm, myself and few other regulars at a local micropub have a glass of the infamous Buckfast Tonic wine. Like all the best traditions, nobody really knows how it started (or even how a craft beer focused bar ended up stocking notorious Ned juice).

We've all sent out the Twitter messages to each other saying we've got the stuff in (I ordered 4 bottles from the Whisky Exchange to make the postage worthwhile) and we're all chilling them ready for tomorrow's online Bucky sharing. Daft, I know. But it's the little things that remind you the most of better times.

If anyone else has Bucky in, you're welcome to join us. And if you end up wreckin' the hoose after you've drunk a whole bottle, it will at least give you something different to do afterwards.

Herb Alpert, Huggy Bear and Isopropanol

2020-04-07T05:25:00.005-07:00

The TJB not observing social distancing rules

The whole of the UK is in lockdown at present. But while the roads are quiet, there have been other sounds. The rusty squeals and grinding clanks of previously moribund blogs coming back to life. Some would say it's because their authors quite literally have nothing better to do. With me, it's because the whisky and Green Devil have run out.

The second week of March seems like an awfully long time ago now, doesn't it? I'd booked it off way back in September, and made vague plans (thankfully unacted upon - prevarication has been my friend for once) to do "stuff" involving travel and pubs. At work, I'd seen the obvious signs of panic buying but thought, well, they should be able to cope. I got home, stuck some Herb Alpert on the turntable and relaxed.

I was roundly disabused of this when, 10 minutes into my first working day off, the phone rang asking me if I'd come in. Sadly, I declined, for the banal reason that all my uniform was presently going round in the washing machine. I told them I would go in the next day and the rest of the week. As long as I had the Thursday off. Why? Well...

As always, I was in the pubs on Sunday and Monday. Everyone was trying their best to maintain "social distance", but some of these places are rather poky and it wasn't quite working out. Though I don't really see myself as some kind of Huggy Bear figure (though undoubtedly I dress even less tastefully), the Word On The Street was the pubs would all be shut down from Sunday evening. There were rumours of Friday closure, but these were discounted as it would probably result in what sociologists call "utter carnage" that night.

Needs must

The week ticked on, and everyone watched the latest Coronavirus updates on the news. And, as we can see in hindsight, the messages weren't encouraging. Stay inside if at all possible. Maintain 2 metres distance from people at all times. And don't go shopping for non-essentials or go to pubs and restaurants. But we're not shutting them down. "Hmm," I thought "I can see where this is going." And that is why I had that Thursday off. It was likely the last time I'd be able to go out for the forseeable future. I packed my bottle of isopropanol (usually used for cleaning electronics, but hand sanitiser had long ago run out) and went to town. And yes, dear reader, I got absolutely hammered. Buckfast, Bud Light, evil keg filth, cask ale, spirits. I had it all that night. I even went to Spoons. I'm glad I did, as on Friday afternoon, the Government announced that all pubs were to close from midnight.

After that, back to work it was. Prioritising lines, moving labels around to maximise fill, watching pasta and toilet rolls vanish in minutes. All the usual panic buying fun and games. But not for long, as a member of my household came down with "symptoms" and I've been in self-isolation for the last 12 days. As I'm healthy so far, I should be returning to the shop on Thursday.

In the meantime, I've been listening to yet more Herb Alpert, ordering beer takeouts from a nearby pub (someone should invent a sparkler for those growler things, though) and eating digestive biscuits. Thankfully, my personality is such that I'm not going stir-crazy despite not having left the house since 25th March. I'll be fine. Just remember to stay in, wash your hands, only shop for necessities etc. etc. etc. And if you're stuck for stuff to do, maybe resurrect an old blog?

The Thorny Question

2018-11-16T06:10:00.001-08:00

Dusty

A few weeks back I went into one of Preston's ever-increasing number of micropubs. Usually this place stocks the uber-awesome beers from uber-awesome breweries. But this day, it had Thornbridge Jaipur on the handpumps. I commented to the owner that, well, you rarely see that nowadays and wondered why. I, of course had a pint. And then another. You know how it goes, right.

About 5 years ago, I was in a craft bar in a different town. They put Jaipur on while I was in and I thought "This is gonna be good". I downloaded a counter app for my phone and kept track of how many pints of it were sold in my presence (I dubbed this the "Jaipurotron"). I was there for 4 hours and it got to about 45. Granted, I did drink 6 of those myself.

Jaipurotron in action

For such a well-regarded brewery, few people seem to be "talking" about Thornbridge now. Whenever I've had their stuff, it's always been a cut above the standard craft sludge that's often seen infesting the bars of the UK. But it seems to have been increasingly pushed out by the newer and more obviously fashionable breweries.

We sell Thornbridge at the shop I work at, though here I'm using "sell" in the "on the shelves" sense rather than "a lot of it goes through the tills". We used to sell a lot of Jaipur, but when they switched from 500ml bottles to 330mls, sales collapsed sharply. I worked out that the customers were being expected to pay 17% less per unit for 35% less beer, and despite what people will sometimes tell you, they noticed. One guy even told me he switched to Oakham beers because he thought Thornbridge was a ripoff now. Hell, I even have to date-check the stuff now.

We've recently seen Thornbridge put Jaipur in cans, despite the head brewer being on record as saying he was unconvinced of the merits of canning craft beer. Either he recently has become convinced, or they've seen their bottle sales tanking in the off-trade and want to move Jaipur to the place on the shelves where those willing to pay more are likely to see it.

Perhaps Thornbridge Brewery should stick to what they've been doing for the best part of their existence. The "Craft" boom will not last forever, and indeed there are signs it's starting on its way down. If you have a good product (and they do), you should stick to doing that. The market will find its way back to you.

Fashion comes and goes, but quality remains.

Insert "Genus : Castor" Pun Here

2018-06-25T11:35:00.003-07:00

Hello? Has everything calmed down yet? Craft beer survived despite the torrents of shelf-removed and drainpoured beer? Ok. So, now we can get some kind of perspective on the whole "Beavertown Sold Out To Heineken" issue. Right?

Ok then.

To the disappointed ideological Crafties, yeah, it's one less brewery to choose from. But London alone has over 100 of the things now. There's a beer for you right down your street at the local bottle shop or craft bar, and it won't be owned by Big Beer. To the people saying that Beavertown was overpriced, cloudy, vegetal-tasting sludge, well, Wetherspoons awaits you.

The problem is with this kind of issue is that people take it personally. For some reason, a lot of people have made an emotional investment in Logan Plant and his beer factory. Despite the history of "edgy", "unique" and "game changing" ethical companies all selling out in the end. Read the history of Green & Blacks (sold to Cadbury plc. in 2005), Innocent Smoothies (sold to Coca Cola in 2009) and Pukka Tea (sold to Unilever in 2017). This stuff isn't new.

Had Mr. Plant told the likely story behind his brewery's founding in 2011 (as opposed to the"stories" the Beer Communicators want us to believe), would have gone something like this :

"Well, I heard Craft Beer was going to be big in the next few years. So I got some seed funding and investors together to form a company which had targeted growth and projected market penetration in the sector, with a view to selling the company to the most suitable bidder once a certain level of turnover had been reached"

This is probably closer to the truth than the usual guff about the "Evils" of "Big Beer" we generally hear from Craft Brewers, but how would it have gone down with his brewery's intended market - young, ethically aware, anti-big capital etc? Right. They wouldn't have touched Beavertown beer with a 90-foot mash paddle. They would've thought "The Led Zep dude's son is trying to rip us off, just like his dad did with Willie Dixon."

Logan Plant is a businessman. No more, no less. He will say or do whatever it takes, within reason and legality, at any given time to grow his company and its profits. The fact that other people think he's betraying some kind of Craft Brotherhood by "selling out" is no fault of his.

News in Brief #61

2018-06-22T04:05:00.001-07:00

"I won't need those Edison lightbulbs now!"

Uranium Beer Announced

Despite nobody ever asking for such a thing, New Mexico based craft brewery Gilipolas Barbado has released a beer brewed with depleted Uranium. "Everything else that's been used in a craft beer has been done," explained brewery owner Jornada del Muerto "so we, like, tried to do something original."

"There's plenty of the stuff around here, so we thought, hey, why not make a beer with it. After all, there's nothing in the literature I've seen that says uranium is in any way hazardous to health. Though it is true I only read the beer sites and brewery Twitter feeds."

Bud Gear Hunting USA Editor Bill Kaiser-Batman agreed vociferously "I don't believe all those reports of people drinking this and throwing up and their beards falling out. I've done a whole six pack today, and if anything it's given me a healthy glow! Don't people realise that beer is meant to be fun?"

Element 92 DIPA will be coming to a hyped event and bottle share near you soon.

Plastic recycling at its finest

Micropub Entirely Made Of Pumpclips

During their latest ticking spree in Leamington Spa, a group of pub travellers were surprised yesterday to find one of their targets was entirely made of plastic handpump beer displays. "I'm not exactly sure how happened," explained Tap, Tap & Tap owner Dave Nobreaks "but I'll give you the story."

"When I started up this place, I had four beers on. Naturally they ran out and had to be replaced, but what to do with the old pumpclip? After all, it's not like I'd ever have the same beer on more than once or anything. So I stuck it on the wall."

"I kept on doing this with every beer I did, until last November when the wall became completely covered." continued Nobreaks "I had to install a vent outside, so removed some bricks. To my astonishment, the pumpclips just stayed there! Eventually, I just took out all the bricks and sold them to a company that fits out craft beer bars. Kept me going through January."

"I did have to to ban some Pumpclip Parade readers after they tried to remove the Wily Fox and Bank Top clips risking the whole structural integrity of the building, though."

CAMRA would burn it if it wasn't a combustion suppressant

Carbon Dioxide Confused

Colourless covalently-bonded gas Carbon Dioxide yesterday professed its bafflement about the recent furore about its lack of availability to drinks producers. "I don't get it," moaned CO2 "why are they starting on me now?"

"A few years ago, I was blamed for being excessive and causing global warming through trapping heat in the atmosphere. But now, apparently, there's not enough of me to go around. Where have I gone? Surely not that much of me has dissolved into the oceans?"

"I mean, just wait a bit and there'll be plenty of me around in a week or two, dudes."

Meanwhile, The Campaign For Real Ale has been rejoicing at the news of the CO2 shortage. "Now that the keg beer will be flat and unable to be pumped out at the bar," proclaimed Branch Treasurer Greg Steakbake "you'll all have to drink the cask. There's nothing like lack of competition to prove Real Ale's superiority to other drinks!"

"Because everybody knows naturally produced CO2 is much better for you than the artificial version. Or something."

News In Brief #60

2018-05-25T03:49:00.002-07:00

Pontifex = Font effects

CAMRA Pope Grants Indulgences

Due to the current sunny weather, beer drinkers have been found drinking icy cold lager in beer gardens around the country. Not so the unfortunate members of the Campaign For Real Ale, who have been forced to traipse around provincial town centres looking for brown, weak and flavour-shy beer as part of an ill-advised "Mild Month of May".

Thankfully for these poor people, help is at hand from the top of the organisation itself. "Let's face it," proclaimed CAMRA Pope Nonextraneous XII "nobody actually likes mild. Why spend an hour grinding through a pint of watery piss when you could be doing the whole Ice Cold In Alex thing with a pilsner? Though although we cannot approve the consumption of non-real beer, we at the top of the CAMRA hierarchy have arrived on a solution."

"Simply pay the small sum of two pounds to the local branch treasurer, and he will issue you with a permission slip, signed by me, allowing the member to drink one pint of lager. If you're seen in a pub supping yellow fizz by other members and chastised for it, simply show them this bit of paper saying that your sin has been noted, but indulged."

Continued His Holiness "Due to this enlightened policy of Indulgences, this heatwave has nearly wiped out last year's budget deficit in our accounts. Long may it continue!"

Knowing the facts so you don't have to

Craft Brewery Starts News Agency

After a fortnight of rumour-based unpleasantness, London-based brewery Random Brick has decided to take control of its news generations. "After I read all those tweets and blog posts saying we're gearing up to be taken over by ABInBev, I was incensed!" ranted CEO Damien Fixedgear "How dare these people have opinions contrary to what we think they should have!"

"So, to counteract this ill-informed nonsense, I've decided to set up the Random Brick News Agency, the funding source for which I will reveal soon. Using this, we as a company will supply all the bloggers and internet commentators with the real story on what we're doing, which they will publish without amendment."

"And if they deviate from this," shouted Fixedgear "I'll send them a 'Cease & Desist' letter saying they're inviting legal action by potentially harming our business. That'll teach them to just drink our beer and keep quiet."

Alleged Beer News Site editor and promulgator of stories Curt Mattis of Bud Gear Hunting was nonplussed "We'll go along with this. As our, like, funding comes from similiar sources, we wouldn't want to jeapordise anything, dudes."

"WARNING - Excessive drinking causes high contrast pictures"

Beer Not Linked To Mental Health Problems, Say Drinkers

In the light of criticism from the inside of the Brewing Industy for it's lack of concern about the potential downsides of alcohol use, habitual pissheads have taken to the internet to say that drinking large amounts of beer in no way has any negative effects on mental health

Bowl food eater and Teku glass slurper Luke Lumberjack-Shirt was indignant about such suggestions "It's not true, man. I do four or five bar openings and tasting events every day and as a result drink about 50 schooners of 7% craft beer a week. And I'm, like, absolutely fine. Those late night tweets about me hating myself and hangover induced apathy the following mornings are entirely normal among people in my sector of the industry,"

Meanwhile, rubicund-complexioned near-permanent tavern resident Bob Barfly also cast doubt on these reports "I've been coming to this pub for years for my daily 4 hour session of 6 pints of bitter. It's part of my class's culture to socialise here. In no way am I trying to avoid the emptiness of my home life and distance from my family by self-medicating with intoxicants that result in oblivion. These so-called researchers know nothing, obviously. Oh god, that's my wife ringing me now."

Campaigner and general drink-apologist Mudgie Mudgington was shown these reports and muttered something about needing more evidence before coming to conclusions before saying "Oh, look! A kitty!" and running off.