Regularly Random Routine

One thing I know helps me is a set routine. Unfortunately, I do not feel like that has happened since the previous school year ended. I have come to expect that my summers will be all over the place. Because I teach an intensive creative writing course and then we travel, summer tends to be an unending cascade of starts and stops. Since my profession allows me two and a half months of unpaid vacation, I usually handle the rudderless aspect of June, July, and August as well as I can. Usually, though, the arrival of September affords me the blessing of a fairly standard daily schedule. For some reason I have yet to find that rhythm this year.

Certainly, the crazy weekends that took place for my family in September exacerbated the situation, but it goes well beyond that. For the first time that I can remember, I had more of a pattern to my day in August than I do right now. Rather than getting easier, my days seem to be growing in complexity. I have no doubt that much of that is in my head and in my reaction to my narcolepsy. Nonetheless, my days feel much more fragmented. I am weathering them well, partly because I have come to accept the reality that I have a disability. Still, I find my anger and frustration rising to the surface far more often of late. I also know that my depression seems to be growing in strength lately. I also find it difficult to "be hopefully" while also "accepting my realities." As always life and narcolepsy seem to be a paradoxical and oxymoronic as the title of this post!

Craft Craze

I had an excellent time today going to look at crafters. Unfortunately, my wife was too ill to join us, so my daughter and I ventured out alone. We needed to exchange a shirt at the aquarium first, which was also an excuse for my daughter to get an awesome funnel cake (it looked like a pound of powdered sugar!). Then, we headed east for the eight mile artisan loop. Since it was hot, we knew that we could not go to many places, but we did check out a few shops.

The woodwork and art that we found blew my mind. I am glad that we made the trip because I will now push harder to make it a priority the next time that we come here. Gatlinburg has amazing talent in this eight mile loop. We did make a few purchases, but I was tempted to get far more. Wisely, I realized that my wife would need to okay the larger purchases. It simply means that we need to return here again.

The best part of the day, though, was simply getting out. My sinuses definitely seemed to be better today. I felt good being more alert and having the chance to connect with my daughter. I continue to worry that narcolepsy will prevent me from knowing as well as I might. Gratefully, days like today remind me that I can find windows. I am excited to head home, but feel like I had a great vacation inspite of my medical woes. We have already packed most of our stuff, allowing us to plan for a 6 AM departure. I hope that I can be ready since I was the delay on both days of our driving down here. Tomorrow is definitely the "longer" day, but we should hit our worst stretch (Pigeon Forge - 5 miles in one hour) before anyone else is actually awake. We will stay in northern Indiana again, but booked a hotel slightly closer to Chicago. I like that I am ending this trip on an upbeat note. That has not been my previous experience very often.

Internet Interruption

I love that I am constantly learning new things about myself. While a portion of that statement is facetious, I do like that I am open enough to recognize important factors about my mental and physical health. So, we are on vacation. Gatlinburg has been great, but my sinuses has not. I am also furious that my resort DOES offer an internet connection, but for a fee. I realized this after returning from McDonald's on Sunday. My rage only increased when I learned that the resort's internet is provided by Wayport. While Wayport has been around for a while, apparently the company is now owned by AT&T. The irony is that I am supposed to be able to connect to AT&T wifi because of my own internet connection at home. In fact, I used the Wayport connection at McDonald's! I finally caved in and paid for 24 hours on our room connection. I needed to do that.

My health woes have made for a long week, but it has also been hard because I don't do well when I have "unstructured" time. We have done some hiking, gone white water rafting, and visited the Aquarium of the Smokies. Those activities have been awesome. Unfortunately, those things drained me (because I have narcolepsy) and left me sitting around our townhouse at the resort. When I don't have ways to distract myself, I tend to get stuck in my own head. To avoid that I have watched a ridiculous amount of TV. I would have done far more productive things had I had an internet connection, but that was not possible. I also knew that trying to DO other things would be a disaster, since my limited excursions have left me wiped out. That might be the most frustrating aspect of this. This trip is the first long one that we have taken since I have begun to figure out how to live effectively with my narcolepsy. Unfortunately, I was not prepared for it. The lack of the internet connection, coupled with how much two LONG days in the car took out of me, has made it difficult for me to be upbeat. I also know that I am bring down the moods of my wife and my daughter. We are having fun, but my limited participation certainly impacts them.

I am now in hour 30 of a killer sinus headache too. It improves at times, but on the whole, the dull and constant pain in my left temple is getting old (to say the least). I skipped the hike this morning in hopes that I would feel better, but it made no difference. I am also afraid that I will get worse when we spend two days in the car driving home. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a good day. We plan to visit some of the shops on the craft circle - an eight mile loop of various artisans. It should be a blast, but all of us are under the weather. We certainly will not push ourselves, but it is definitely a burden on my wife. She clearly has a cold, but is trying to pick up my slack. I am doing my best to stay positive and engage with my wife and daughter, but there is only so much that my body can give. I will attempt to keep smiling and give everything that I can!

Fighting Frustration

I have not slept well (or much) the last two nights. While that is NOT a good thing, my mood today is surprisingly upbeat. I know a piece of that is that I had a good meeting with my psychiatrist today. He is quite down-to-earth, but has also challenged me in the past to be kinder to myself. I think he easily saw today that I am definitely making progress in that regard. I also know that in that same vein, I am accepting that I have been up far too late the last two nights. Thus, the things that I accomplish today will be "gravy." I have to take that approach. I needed to stay up two nights ago to get some things done for MOONS-MN. Last night, the priority was getting the kitchen clean. That I did get those things done is a huge step for me. Hopefully, I will begin to keep such efforts within the frame work of "normal" hours for me, but it is also good that I am making strides in such areas.

Far too often, I get completely lost in "unstructured time." I definitely function best when my schedule forces me to be certain places at specific times. The rub, of course, is that having a ful agenda each day drains me far more than a day of relaxing. A huge piece of the equation is the fact that my brain rarely "shuts down." Summers are usually the worst because it can be weeks of "free time," during which my brain tries to run in hundreds of directions. Unable to accomplish a fractional percentage of my mind's inexhaustible list, I would then wallow entire days away. Although my aspirations remain far to large, I am getting better and better at releasing myself from that cycle. I work to accept my limits, while challenging myself to get one or two small things done. Slowly, I am adapting. Hopefully, it will continue, and I will stay balanced and healthy. I still remember the lessons of last summer. Every time I pushed too hard, my body quit as I ran a fever. I would like to avoid being completely laid out.

Fading Focus

Summer is always a curve and a blessing for me. I LOVE that I actually have "free time" because I need it to recover from the frenetic pace of my school year. At the same time, I hate it because I am terrible with unstructured time. I have been doing better this summer, but I have struggled for the last two days. My problem is that I lack the self-discipline (or perhaps the energy) to create a modest schedule of tasks for the day. During the school year, I am forced to create some level of schedule because my work fills specific sections of my day. When summer truly arrives for me, though, I have such open swaths of time that I regularly fail to pre-plan what I will be doing on any given day.

I also get terribly gun shy of planning out specific days. I know that I overestimate my energy and abilities, meaning that if I plan out a series of days, I will likely be "behind" from the moment I set my schedule. At the same time, when I allow myself to "see where the day will take me," I find myself accomplishing next to nothing. Because so many things are a "top priority," I am often paralyzed by my own brain. Worse, my inaction causes me to begin berating myself, which makes my more tired, and I become even more inefficient.

As I said, I am getting better at managing these things. In reality, my learning style (concrete random) and my personality type (ENFP) do not lend themselves well to carefully planned out schedules. In fact, they are deadly for me because my "random" nature means that I will eventually fail, and the "concrete" aspect of my brain will condemn me for that failure. Thus, I need broad plans, and I must accept any step towards the completion of those plans as progress. For instance, our finances needed to get up to date. In the past I would have tried to get it completed in one day. Although I did manage to do that from time to time (by locking myself in our office for 8-10 hours), more often, I would get to a semi-acceptable point and then would leave the finances unfinished - possibly missing a bill. This time, I chipped away at the finances over a four day window. I not only got caught up, but I also managed to enter information for my wife, and I figured out some of the stranger issues in our investment numbers. I even got paperwork filed today.

Unfortunately, even successes like that do not completely sink in for me. I consciously know that I did a good job, but I don't truly feel it. Instead, the hypercritical portion of my brain berates me for taking so long. It also reminds me that the office is still a disaster, and the investment numbers are still not fixed. And, pushing those thoughts away (or should I say hearing them and then dismissing them as irrational) takes tremendous amounts of energy, leaving even more run down. As a result, I then spend a few days, like today and yesterday, wallowing a bit and trying to get into some sort of groove with my daily routine.

The other two challenges of summer tie into that last issue. This time off often results in a different series of events every day. I have clearly learned that I am at my best when I can get into a pattern and am able to follow that every day. Sadly, I am convinced that it will be years until such a thing is possible during the summer for me. My wife's job, my daughter's activities, my doctor appointments, and my work issues mean that summer will remain a hodge podge of starts and stops in each and every day. Summer also means a great deal of isolation. While I do get to spend time with my daughter, many of my days involve long stretches of time when I am alone. Although I have come to appreciate some quiet time when I am isolated, the reality is that I am an extreme extrovert. Thus, being by myself drains me. Sometimes, that alone can totally wipe me out. On the other hand, I can be having the worst excessive daytime sleepiness, but come to life as soon as I step in front of a group of people.

As in so many other things, I must be patient as I move forward living with narcolepsy. This condition is insanely bizarre. I can feel almost normal one day and horribly tired the next. Worse, so much of my day (each day) depends on my sleep, yet I have NO control over that. Even when I have been in a great pattern of going to sleep and waking at the same time each day, one thousand and one tiny little things can positively and negatively influence my rest. Thus, I must take a deep breath, do the best I can, and not fret about the highs and lows. I just need to ground myself in the present and stay with each moment.

Harsh Headache

Occasionally, I get horrid sinus headaches. Often, they come in waves - I will be fine for months and then bang, they are back. Thus, today made me a tad nervous. I have essentially had a fairly strong one all day. Offsetting my concern, though, is the fact that my wife and I were out with friends until late last night. Thus, I only had one dose of Xyrem and subsequently only got 4-5 hours of sleep.

Also possibly exacerbating the sinus pain was the fact that I had an early morning meeting with a colleague. She and I were planning to meet at a coffee shop at 9 AM. We needed to work on a document for school. Apparently, I should never schedule initial meetings for coffee shops. As was the case last summer, I again spent a significant amount of time searching for a coffee shop that I could not find. Although I was not trapped in strip mall hell like last year, I was in the bizarre downtown of White Bear Lake, Minnesota. The downtown is split by a highway, which already make travel inconvenient, but the side streets have insane one way offshoots and goofy layouts.

So, as was the case last year (on my way to the MOONS planning meeting that I never found), I drove around in my car for nearly an hour trying to find this stupid coffee shop. I did eventually discover it (it literally has MINIMAL signage). It was closed! Fortunately, my co-worker and I found each other. I was already a half an hour late when I discovered the coffee shop was closed. Assuming my colleague had left White Bear Lake, I headed to the Caribou to send a grovelling email, but when I walked in the door at Caribou, I immediately spotted her. We wound up having a highly productive meeting. I also did not lose my cool when I finally realized my initial "defeat." That is definitely progress.

Unfortunately, my headache intensified after the meeting. I tried to rest at home after that, but the pain would not leave. I took Tylenol before driving my daughter to her rehearsal. That made my afternoon meeting tolerable, but the drive back home once again helped to tighten the vice-grip feeling in my skull. I got little done this evening, but I know that is okay. I hope that a decent night's sleep will mitigate the pain. If not, I know that tomorrow will be a long day.

Massive Mayhem

I truly love that even the transition into summer break takes days of adjustment. One would think that a guy with narcolepsy would find it thrilling to begin a month and a half of relaxing. If only it were that easy. As I continue to remind myself, ANY change in my daily routine throws me for a loop. I tend to be more tense and to snap at people more rapidly. While I am making the shift better this time, I still find it frustrating - and stupid. Sadly, I am sure that no matter how long I continue to "learn" about living with narcolepsy, the act of moving from one daily schedule to another will continue to be difficult for me.

The up side is that I did get up today and exercise. That alone is a huge step for me. Unfortunately, I know that I am still recovering from last week. Thus, the exercise sapped me for a couple of hours. After resting, though, I got some work done. I even decided to have some fun after that, but invariably that led to trouble. My daughter decided that she wanted to play with the Wii too. Things were going great, but then after we each did our "Wii Fitness" on Wii Sports - which is an individual activity - she simply started doing something else individually. When I questioned her, I got a rude retort. I have no doubt that my daughter thought that she was being funny, but when I challenged her on that comment, I got a second rude retort. Since I was tired and crabby, I snapped back and a lovely fight ensued. It then continued as my attempted to reconcile. And, adding a second layer to my disappointment in myself, my wife was still home and found herself embroiled in the disagreement.

My daughter and I were able to reconcile and apologize to each other, but I hate that I was unable to keep myself in check when my daughter acted like a normal pre-teen. While her behavior was not appropriate, I can't lash out at her. I did contain my frustration far better than I have in the past, but the reality is that I still reacted rashly and immaturely. As the parent, I need to give her the space to be angsty, and I need to be patient enough to let her settle down before re-engaging about the situation. I do know that I happened things "better," but I need to keep pushing myself on this. The narcolepsy definitely complicates the situation, but my relationship with my daughter is far too important to let this medical menace jeopardize it.

The other difficult item to accept today was the fact that I nearly fell asleep in a chair tonight. If that was happening at 10 PM, I would be okay with it, but I was dozing and drifting heavily at 6 PM. Now, I know that I had a productive (and stressful) day. I also know that transitional periods are tough for me. But, it remains horribly humbling that I spent most of my day sitting around, yet I can't stay awake past 6 PM even with 60 mg of amphetamine in my body. Seriously, you GOTTA love this condition - NOT! Obviously, I rallied. I even got a few other things done. Hopefully, July will hold more hope for a solid schedule, smoother transitions into my new days, and for more patience with my incredible and wonderful daughter.

Nasal Nightmare

Typically, I avoid discussing my other health woes here, both because they are minor in comparison to my narcolepsy and because I rarely can do much about them, so I avoid dwelling on them. That said, my sinuses threw me a curve ball today. I have had chronic sinusitis for years. I actually think that it is connected to my compromised immune system (and thus my narcolepsy), but I have been "dealing" with my crazy nose for years longer than I have been managing my narcolepsy. Every day, I rinse my sinuses in the morning and at night with a saline solution (SinusRinse made by NeilMed) and with an antibiotic solution. Things have improved since I started that routine in 2004, but I still have regular swelling and inflammation throughout my sinuses.

Every month to two months, I go see my ENT. He is great and I appreciate his candor. Typically, he cultures my sinuses on the left side (which is often worse) and then literally vacuums out my sinuses. In the last few years, I have not had many infections, and my sinuses have looked "better." They are still constantly swollen, but it is less than in the past and they are usually limited in their inflammation.

Today, I was expecting things to follow the usual process. I had a horrid cold in March, and I know that it took me weeks to shake it. I still have had a lot of congestion, but my nasal discharge has looked better recently. While I never feel "great," I knew that I was on the upswing for my sinuses. When my ENT looked at my left side, he thought my sinuses looked better (still swollen, but not inflammation and clear mucus). He was actually considering NOT doing a culture. Then, he looked at my right side. Apparently, it was awful. He vacuumed some, then cultured, then vacuumed more. THEN, he switched tips to "get around the corner." Less than fun, I assure you.

The silver lining in this is that I likely do have a sinus infection. We will see what the culture says, but the infection is probable to say the least. That means that some of my current struggles with energy are a result of my body battling a bacterial infection. It sounds bizarre to be "glad" about that, but I have been so wiped out this break that I was worried that my narcolepsy was getting significantly worse. That still might be the case, but learning that my immunue system might have been in overdrive for other reasons does give me a bit of hope. If I am indeed infected, the ensuing antibiotic will likely perk up my system. I could definitely use an infusion of energy. I will say that it is the first time I was genuinely excited about a possible sinus infection. The other bright spot is that I am managing my narcolepsy well enough that if this is a sinus infection, it did not completely knock me out as sinus infections have done in the past. Apparently, I am just giddy about bacteria growing in my right ethmoid sinus! Yippee!

Exhausted Evening(s)

I know that narcolepsy tends to move in waves for me, but the last few days have been hard. I have had a decent start to 2009, but I also realize that my energy is frighteningly low. On New Year's Day, I met with my teaching team. We got a ton done in 2.5 hours. It was also wonderful to see them, but by the time I got home, I was spent. Some of my mood is a natural reaction to the end of a break. I NEVER get done what I hope to get done. Even as I work to accept my limitations, I continue to assume (wrongly) that I will be far more productive than is possible for me. I also tend to lose sight of how hard "daily life" can be. I went shopping on January 2. Spending my Christmas gift cards undid me. Three stores and a handful of decisions sapped what little reserve that I had. Even going on a date with my wife yesterday was draining. We had a wondrous evening and enjoyed viewing Valkyrie, but we got home at 8:30 PM and I faded. Today is my last day of break. I got some work done for school, but I am struggling to focus for even 15 minutes at a time.

While I understand that days and weeks like this are possible, it is still hard to stomach it. I desperately want to be productive. I work hard to celebrate the things that I do get done. Yesterday, my wife and I planned out our budget for 2009. It took time, but we did great work. I also have done a bunch of research on cell phones and the new plan we will like select within the week. Those efforts definitely make a difference in our home. And, the school work I did today is a great thing, but I want to be able to do more. I want to feel like I am making progress. Sadly, I don't. My expectations remain unrealistic, but I also seem to have times when I don't let in the joy.

A piece of this is connected to having my parents here. It is hard for me to be comfortable in my own home when we have guests. The fact that it is my own parents makes me even more uneasy. I wish I knew why I felt like this when we have guests. Perhaps, I just find it hard to relax completely when others are around. I know that I worry too much about what others think of me. Beyond all of this, though, my stomach is a mess. I am experiencing far more reflux than I ever have. I have not been good about what I have been eating, but this seems to go well beyond that. I also know that I am out of the drug that I take for reflux. I would guess that something is happening there too. All I know is that the amount of acid in my stomach seems insane. I feel bloated, but I also feel like my throat is on fire at times.

As much as I wish I had another week of break, it will be good to go back to school tomorrow. I need that to help me have routine. Breaks and unstructured time are always bad for me. Having to go to my job provides an easy way to organize my day. At the same time, I know I need to figure out better strategies to rest myself and to renew my energy. I have done good things during this vacation. I need to hold onto those memories. I also need to ground myself in the moment, even when the moment doesn't feel quite right.

Sick Sad Sunday

Apparently, when your spouse gets sick, it means you can potentially get the same thing. Whatever messed up my wife's stomach on December 26 got me too. I spent all day yesterday feeling horrid. Thankfully, I am much better today. My bowels are still dicey, but at least I feel like I can eat something. Also, I don't ache everywhere. I think the most frustrating thing was that even extra strength acetaminophen did not seem to help - yuck!

The bright spot in the day, though, is that I simply gave into the sickness. My grandmother was having a large gathering of family. While I was sad to miss it, I didn't feel bad about that. Nor did I feel rotten about spending a day in bed. I "could've" tried to do schoolwork, but I know I would not have been focused. I simply chose to lay down and read a book. That was good for me too. As I have said so often lately, even a year ago, I might have tried to fight through the illness. But, I know enough now to realize that being somewhere absolutely miserable is not helpful to anyone, let alone to me.

Plus, I will get to see some of the folks over the next day or two. My sister, my daughter, my parents, and I are still in Duluth until tomorrow. It should be fun to have a few more low key days. I think I am also enjoying taking smaller doses of my stimulants right now. It is definitely making me more relaxed and low key. Of course, I remain convinced that I will need to return to nearly full doses when school re-starts in a week. But, that is seven days a way. I plan to enjoy my break until then!

Conscience Comments

Somehow, another week has passed. I never understand how time can fly so quickly. The good thing is that I have been "healthier," although I was unable to fulfill the exercise goal. I do not feel guilty however. I will simply make exercising three times by next Friday a primary goal for this next week. I do know (quite clearly) that I did the absolute best that I could over this past week.

Beyond eating better, I definitely got tangible things done within our home. I changed a number of light bulbs, organized a number of music files, cleaned areas of the house, and did my normal chores. Even better, while I likely will never feel like I have done enough for school, I not only got things ready for the start of our new trimester, I even managed to correct the first quiz I gave within 24 hours of receiving the answers. I also know that my entire team felt "in synch" as we started our new material. That alone is enough to brighten my mood. One of the greatest accomplishments, though, is my own recognition of my need to stay on task when I am teaching in our classroom. I actually steered students back to the topic at hand throughout the week, fighting the urge to be tangential. Words truly can't describe how impressive that is for me.

Our current unit is an introduction to the concepts of conscience, leadership, and authority. We will actually study those theme throughout the trimester, but this first week has been incredible. We read the Orson Scott Card novel, Ender's Game, which I adore. Most of my students truly seem to enjoy it, thus far. It is perfect for our themes. Even better than the book, though, has been the chance to see these amazing, young women and men wrestling with the ethical and moral issues that we have placed before them during the past week. While we are all still human, greatly influenced by the culture of excess in the United States, I have appreciated seeing some of our teenagers make deeper and powerful connections about how they are both moved by their consciences to powerful acts and forced to betray those same values when certain social realities come into play.

Beyond the successes at school, I feel good about what has been happening in our home. My in laws left on Tuesday. It was wonderful to have them here. I definitely feel like I got the chance to grieve more over my brother-in-law. At the same time, with my wife's parents returning home, we have been able to re-establish some levels of normalcy for the first time in weeks. We have no gifts. Life is not in crisis. There is no dumpster in our driveway. I think we will make a few more strides this weekend when it comes to organizing the base elements of our lives - bills, financial records, storage of unneeded items. It thrills me that we could eventually find a minimalist way to exist.

At the same time, my brain continues to be overwhlemed by the multitude of things that I have left undone. Yet, my greatest source of pride this week is that I have not allowed that negativity to overwhlem me. Certainly, I have dark moments each day, but I acknowledge them and feel them, then I let them pass. No one could do the things that I "think" I am supposed to accomplish on any given day. Thus, as a forty-year-old with narcolepsy, I must forgive myself for not doing the impossible. I still feel overly run down and sick. My sinuses are definitely misbehaving. My anxiety and ill-health have not been the dominant element of my week, which is incredible. It is moments like this that I know I am "improving." A week like this, even eight months ago, would have sent me spirally. Radically, my primary feeling tonight is honestly elation. I am proud of the way I weathered the week. I am even more excited that I could feel this satisfied in a week when I was far from "on." I have no delusions that I will ever be "well," but I do know that I am capable of having weeks that are far more healthy than the one that has just passed. This journey of narcolepsy continues to amaze me. New discovers seem to lurk around each corner. While there are plenty that I have found less than pleasant, this new one was a welcome relief.

Simple Successes

I often am amused by my need for completion. As much as a piece of me hungers to never reach conclusions, another piece lives to "get things done." I actually hate housework because no matter how often or how well you clean, or scrub, or sweep, or work, things always wind up dirty, or messy, or cluttered, or undone, once again. It is the insanity of home ownership, the madness of chores. As a result, I tend to love mundane tasks, like folding laundry or organizing specific items.

This trait is on my mind because we are putting our CDs into large cases. For years we have had our hundreds of CDs in various racks. We have tried to keep them in different locations, but they always seem to be in the way. My wife got two 336 disc cases last weekend, and I have been putting the CDs into those cases. I needed to get two more today, but am making tremendous progress. While that is good in some ways, I also know that I am obsessing about it. I NEED to finish because I also hate when simple projects like this are undone. Something about the "closure" of completing a task like this gives me fulfillment - at least for a day or two. Of course, the obsessiveness can undermine any benefits.

Tonight, I had hoped to find the two additional cases at a local electronics store. It is where my wife got the first two. Unfortunately, the store did not have more. I then checked two other stores to no avail and found my angst rising constantly. I know that part of my believes that the entire Thanksgiving break would be a lost if I did not find these cases, because I HAD to finish organizing the CDs. That is crazy, and I know it. Yet, I still felt the same way. Fortunately, a relatively new store at a local mall did have two more cases. I experienced ridiculous relief when I discovered them.

I am glad that simple tasks can ground me, but I also know that I need to keep working on long term tasks like the CDs being "unfinished" for a time. Getting obsessive about uncompleted tasks definitely saps my strength. Even worse, I can lose sight of other responsibilities when I am swept up in irrational devotion to a massive, but clear cut, activity. I can't organize CDs at the expense of correcting the papers from mid-October that I still have not finished. Those written pieces need grades by Monday. It is not an option. But, I honestly could forget them because I desperately want to complete the CDs. It is crazy, literally.

Balance remains my goal. I know it will take years for me to even approach a moderate level of living in the middle of things. My brain is so conditioned for black and white, all or nothing - I hate it. Yet, it is who I am. By accepting that reality, I can free myself from the shame of it. I can challenge myself more openly, while still being kind to myself. Invariably, all of this comes home to roost in the nuances of my narcolepsy. Since I can't control my body, I want to find it somewhere. What I must internalize is that control is an illusion at all times. I am starting to feel it, but I worry that full comprehension is also years away.

Stellar Star (Wars)

Thankfully, I felt well enough today to accompany my family to the Star Wars exhibit. It was spectacular. I thought the coolest aspect of the experience was the way it showed real life connections to the science fiction elements of Star Wars and its universe. For the Tatooine and Hoth items, parallel material about horribly hot and cold spots on Earth was woven into the video comments. Even more interesting was the extensive information about robotics and integrating machines and medicine. My daughter also loved her opportunities to build robots and levitating magnetic vehicles. She even got to drive one - it was no Landspeeder or Pod Racer, but it was sit incredible.

Unfortunately, everyone seemed to be dragging by the time we left, though. Initially, we were hoping to go out to lunch, but tempers started to flair. Instead, we headed home for a light lunch. We even threw in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. It was a blast to wath it after having been at the exhibit. I ran an errand and then tried to work MORE on the tree. Even though it was all down, I needed (and still need) to get rid of all of the branches. I did take care of half the branches. While I did stop, I may still have pushed too hard because I can already feel the cold getting worse. It didn't help that my blood pressure was high when I took it at my pharmacy while waiting for my prescriptions today. Still, I was glad to get something done, especially since my wife is feeling tremendously anxious these days.

As I was finishing up, my wife told me that she, my sister-in-law and my daughter were going to the Ramsey County Humane Society and then a few other spots. I asked if I could go, and it thrilled my wife. While I was tired, I certainly wanted to continue spending time with all three of them. The Humane Society is relatively close to our house, but we don't go too often because we ALL want to bring home something. Since we already have 3 cats, it is NOT a good idea for us to add to the chaos. My daughter also tends to get overly emotional when we say, "no," to yet another animal. Thus, we also stay away to keep the tears to a minimum. Sadly, today was no different. We all loved looking at the cats and dogs (they had a TON of adorable kittens), but my daughter because fixated on bringing home a cat. She then cried in the car all the way to our next stop. To make matters worse, that next stop was specifically to get something she wanted, which the store did not have.

We worked to make the best of everything, but my daughter's mood (along with everyone else's fatigue) continued to sour the evening. We stopped on the way home to get dinner, and when we got home, we put in a movie that my daughter wanted to watch (Stranger than Fiction - which the three adults had watch two days ago and LOVED). My daughter's demeanor did not seem to brighten much. My sister-in-law crashed. Then, I did too (I could also feel my sinuses filling). I headed to bed assuming that my wife and daughter would finish the film, but they stopped it soon after I left. I worried that it was because of me, but they decided to watch the Olympics instead. Soon, they came to the bedroom to watch it (which defeated the purpose of me leaving the other room, but what the heck). The bigger problem, though, was that both of them had become even more foul in their moods. Fortunately, they dozed before things got too ugly.

My fear now is that this lingering anger (and angst) that we all have will carry over into tomorrow. My daughter is clearly in the horrid throes of impending puberty. My wife has way too much going on, and she is worried about me, her work, our house, our daughter, and approximately a thousand other things. Then, there's my stuff. I know right now that I will feel completely drained tomorrow. Yet, I worry that I will have to push myself because my wife will be so worked up. I also dread the possibility that I may need to be the referee for my wife and daughter - since they were both borderline irrational by the time they fell asleep tonight. I know that I don't have the strength for any of that. At the same time, what do I do if I am needed? These are the moments when my narcolepsy drives me insane. I do okay when everything is calm, but how often does that happen? Most of my life is chaos, and this disease simply doesn't afford me the capacity to cope in moments of crisis. Worse, I can go for days "handling" what comes, but one day (or hour) of pushing beyond the pale leaves me devastated for days. How is that fair or manageable? Beyond "fair" for me, how am I supposed to accept the incredible burden that my health leaves on my wife? Isn't she allowed to have down times? Yet, when she does, how am I supposed to step up when I have nothing to give?

Obviously, things will get better. Perhaps everyone will wake up happy tomorrow. I can't spend my life or time worrying about what tomorrow might or might not bring. That is not being mindful of the present. Still, I at least needed to let the thoughts and frustrations out so they wouldn't fester in my mind until morning. I also do need to be aware of the lack of health that is definitely a reality tonight. I need to sleep now. The new day will bring new wonders and challenges. If I am sick, I will rest when I can. If everyone else is insane, I will bring what peace I can. I need to care for them, but I also need to care for me. Balance will come, eventually.

Feverish Frustration

I was supposed to go to the zoo today. I was supposed to enjoy the day with my wife, my daughter and my sister-in-law. Instead, I spent it on the couch, under a blanket, with my temperature slightly elevated. Even more annoying is that I am positive that today's health woe is directly connected to pushing too hard yesterday. I have been doing a good job of balancing things for the past week, but I went too far yesterday.

Since the weekend juggling a house guest, school prep, housework and mental health has been flowing well. We have had a great time going places with my wife's sister. I continue to grow in respect for my teaching team and in excitement for the coming school year. My yoga and exercise have not fit, but I have been breathing and have remained calm. I even have managed to get big and little projects done in the house. Best of all, though, I have done all of this while still taking care of my physical health.

Unfortunately, I started on another big project yesterday. We are hoping to have some major work done on our house and garage. As a result of that, we needed to remove a decent sized tree (10 years old or so) from behind our garage. I thought it would fairly simple, but I was definitely wrong. I took one look at the tree and realized that I needed to get onto the roof to remove branches. While I was up there, my saw died, but I got the branches off.

I was exhausted and wisely went inside to rest and to have lunch. I had already had a four hour meeting that morning, and we were hosting a family cook out that night. I sat for an hour. Then, I made a horrid mistake. I assumed that I could quickly finish the tree. Since I had a second battery pack and only the trunk to cut down, I figured the cutting would go quickly. Invariably, the trunk was thicker than I thought, the wood was young and hard to cut, and the battery died quickly. I also became fixated on finishing. I pushed through because I was worried (irrationally) that I would leave the job unfinished. Fearing that weeks from now my wife and I would be fighting about the tree truck, I got the hatchet from our garage. I also know that my "estimations" can often be WAY off. I truly believed that I could chop the remaining tree down fast.

The actual process tool much longer - on the order of a half hour. I flailed away at the trunk. The blisters that developed on my right hand still hurt today. In fact the one that popped while I worked made me nervous at first. I thought it might be infected, but I was wrong (thankfully). I did get the tree down, but my whole body was shaking. Somehow, I settled down and had a good evening. My wife did most of the work when our guests arrived, but I even did some cooking and cleaning.

What drives me insane, though, is that I didn't sleep well. Then, I woke this morning and knew that I was sick again. I felt lousy, just like I did last week after trying to play ultimate. I understand that I need to be careful with my exercise and exertion, but it drives me nuts that one bad decision can derail me for at least a day. I am worried that it might even be more than one day. It took me three to four days to "recover" from ultimate. I also know I felt WAY worse yesterday than I did last Wednesday. I will cope with whatever tomorrow brings, but my mood will be dismal if I feel this sick or worse. We are supposed to go see the Star Wars exhibit at the Science Museum of Minnesota. I want to do that with my family, AND I REALLY want to see the exhibit. I just can't understand how my body can be this frail. It's crazy, absolutely crazy.

Learning Lessons, Living Life

I am limited. I can't do nearly what I think I can, and that is okay. I need to make HUGE signs with that message on it. Then I need to post them - in my office, in my car (although not on the windshield), in my classroom, in my heart. Accepting the reality of narcolepsy remains one of my largest struggles. Today, I did more correcting than I can ever remember doing in a single day of MITY. More impressively, I did that after waking up completely exhausted. Major victory, right? Apparently it is everywhere but my brain.

By the end of class today, my sixth full day in a row (a new record since the diagnosis), all I could recognize was that I was further behind in terms of comments than when I had started the day. How could that be possible after my most productive day ever? Twenty-seven brilliant teens don't just chill in week two. They write more! Somehow, I thought I could come home and get more work done. I didn't, at least not right away. I did edit a fee more things tonight. But, now it is technically tomorrow (Tuesday). I will sleep soon, hoping to get more done during class. Still, the reality is that I can't do this - not the way I want to do it.

Fortunately, I am well aware that I am giving what I can. I also know that our students are having a wonderful time in class. I need to internalize that more, so I berate myself less. Sadly, such things are easily said, but far from easily done. Coming to terms with all of this will be the journey of my life - it is the reason for this blog. I may not like it, but I can never change it. Thus, I look for the joy and ride out the pain.

I do need to make wiser decisions, though. It finally struck me this morning that trying to team-teach a full time class for two weeks is a massive strain on me, but trying to do another one solo (even for six students) is insane! I will do a good job and survive Session B, but something miraculous will have to take place for me to do it again next year. As much as I love MITY, I need to think about things in broader terms. My year long teaching exhausts me. MITY recharges me in some ways, but it also pushes me even harder - especially our Session A class. I don't want to let down co-teacher, but even more so I can stand the idea of disappointing these amazing young women and men. It was hard to articulate, even to myself today, but this is likely my final year for Session B. While that makes me sad, I know it is right.

This disease is hard. It continues to challenge every aspect of my life. Forcing me to examine my priorities, narcolepsy also helps me to sort through the chaos of reality. Rarely have I had to make definitive choices in my life. That has put me in an elite minority of privileged people for years. That is no longer the case, but it means that my true character has a chance to shine. I can rise to the occasion by doing what my body allows, or I can become bitter and petulant railing against a condition that I can't control. I definitely hope for the former, but know that the latter is also possible. I firmly believe that God gives us no more than we can handle, but I often wonder if I am wise enough to let God help me find the strength for this. Fortunately, I keep getting better at looking for help. Let's hope that trend continues.

Irritating Incompetence

I generally consider myself a patient man. In fact, I often forgive far too easily - which eventually results in a crazy "fist punching wall" moment. Certainly, though, having narcolepsy manages to challenge my kindness in a variety of ways. My least favorite, though, is the angst and irrationality the bubbles to the surface when I am forced to deal with screw ups by my pulmonary doctor's office.

If it seems odd that the primary person and clinic responsible for treating my narcolepsy is also one of my greatest sources of frustration, then you are beginning to glimpse why such moments make me crazy. My provider's practice has a convoluted system for relaying information. When I need to get my doctor a message, I can't call his office. There is no published direct number. Instead, I call a central nurse triage line. Now, I do understand why they adhere to this policy. If I were a pulmonary doctor, I would not want every person in the world calling my office attempting to get a prescription for the various stimulants that narcoleptics take. I would even happily call the triage line if my messages were conveyed correctly even 75% of the time. But, when even simple messages get garbled, impacting my daily health, I get irate.

Interestingly enough, this past week's problem was not caused by the triage line. Of course, in my mind, that makes the screw up even worse. As a result of triage line errors, I have been forced to live without any stimulant for three weeks, had to wait days to figure out how to handle possible reactions to medications and not gotten correct prescriptions. Still, if you have ever played "telephone" (the whispering game), you can see how my phone message, written down by someone, called to someone else, and eventually conveyed to my physician might get messed up. I still struggle to see how that could happen virtually EVERY time, but I can at least glimpse it.

When the error happens in a monthly mailed prescription, however, my tolerance diminishes greatly. Even more unbelievable, though, is the fact that the two prescriptions were correct the month before. There should have been NO reason for the screw up that happened this month. I get prescriptions for my two stimulants every month. This month, the prescription for my MUCH more important drug only gave me enough for 10 days. Now, I would assume that ANY organization that had goofed up a customer's items even once or twice would go out of the way to avoid issues in the future. Given that my problems are well past four instances, and the fact that we are talking about drugs that I need to function even at a minimal level, I can't understand how anyone would let the prescriptions leave that office without triple checking them. Yet, when I got the pills, something was seriously wrong.

While their incompetence is unfathomable, I am even more upset about the near paralysis caused by my own surge of emotions. Due to my previous issues with my own doctor's office, the exhausting effects of narcolepsy, and the bizarre reality that people with conditions like mine usually have to treat navigating healthcare like a full-time job, I found this minor issue shutting me down. I was ready to explode - at someone, on someone, near someone. The rage inside me swarmed and nearly burst. Fortunately, I managed to calm myself. I even left a terse, but controlled message on the nurse triage line. The situation has subsequently resolved itself, but I hate that my mood was devastated. Even more unnerving, it was actions by the people supposedly in charge of helping me the most that set off the cascade.

I don't know if I have many options other than this particular pulmonary practice. Beyond what my health plan will cover, I actually worry that I might not find another doctor as good as mine has been. Even though my interactions with staff at many levels has been less than disappointing, the pulmonary doctor that actually treats me has been decent. When I discussed the situation with my primary doctor (and the smartest physician that I see), he pointed out that I am the ONLY narcoleptic he has encountered in 18 years of practicing. It is possible that my pulmonary doctor has only treated a few dozen narcoleptics (or less), even though it is his "job" medically speaking. I am going to try to see someone who specializes in narcolepsy, even if it is just one visit, to make sure that I am being treated in the best way possible. As for the headaches and red tape getting messages to my doctor or help in handling my situation, I will work to stay balanced. I also know that I am nearing the point of no return. One or two more mistakes will force me to sever my relationship with this pulmonary clinic, no matter how much I like (or at least can tolerate) this doctor. As patients we all must advocate for ourselves. We are still consumers and agitating is often the only way we can force change.

I desperately want to avoid another day like this past Wednesday - when all of this took place. Getting that upset completely derails me, especially when the stress comes from agencies theoretically designed to assist me. I don't want to become bitter and jaded, but more and more I can clearly understand how folks with conditions like mine lose all sense of trust in Western medicine. The way medicine is practiced in the United States does not fit well with chronic illness, particularly when that illness is not clearly understood.

Wish This Wasn't so Hard

Today I read a friend's post on a support group message board. She is likely having an allergic reaction to Xyrem, one of the best drugs available for narcolepsy. This great woman has already faced a number of struggles, and now she is forced to confront this heartbreaking issue. Sadly, she has already tried stopping the Xyrem once before after having a reaction, so it is likely that the Xyrem IS the cause. Unfortunately, many narcoleptics share similar stories. Rarely do two of us find that medications work in the exact same way. Often, what works incredible well for some folks is absolutely horrific for others.

I happen to be someone who had an awful reaction to the other standard narcolepsy treatment. The American Academy of Sleep Medicine determined in December 2007 that Xyrem and Provigil (modafinil) are the best way to treat narcolepsy. The Xyrem allows the narcoleptic to have a more restful sleep, while the Provigil helps to keep the patient more alert during the daytime. For many patients the combination works extremely well. Unfortunately, my friend is having trouble with the Xyrem, and I nearly lost my mind (and my body) taking Provigil. It made me incredibly anxious, particularly in the morning. I know that it worked better than either of my stimulants at keeping me alert, but I am convinced it simply worked too well. I am convinced that the half hour I spent each morning curled in the fetal position was the result of the current dose interacting with the previous days dose (all while coming out of my night time Xyrem dose). I also lost weight hand over fist. I am not sure what the total weight loss was, but I know that I lost 20 pounds in a six weeks period. For the final three weeks, I ate multiple times during the day, cramming in food until it hurt. I still dropped 10 pounds in the course of those three weeks. When I finally got in to see my doctor, he insisted that I stop the Provigil. The anxiety cleared within 36 hours, and my appetite returned.

Since then, I struggled to function on a sizable dose of methylphenidate (Ritalin) and now get by on 50 mg of amphetamine each day. Friends who know how much amphetamine that I take are stunned when I tell them that it simply lets me get out of bed. It does not give me a tremendous boost of energy. Instead, I simply feel like I can actually survive my day. In fact I fell back asleep and faded in and out during this past Sunday morning after taking the amphetamine. That is insane, but that is narcolepsy.

I know this frustration is on my mind today because of my friend, but learning of another narcoleptic's struggle regularly triggers these emotions for me. I would guess that others with the condition experience something similar. How can I not read about someone else's hardship with this bizarre condition and immediately have my own wounds reopen. Beyond the medication roulette that so many of us play, our physicians often are more troublesome than anyone could imagine. This disease is not well understood. As a result, only a handful of doctors (even those in the specialties that treat it - pulmonary and neurology) learn much about it. My first pulmonary doctor did have the insight to order the polysomnogram (an overnight sleep study) and the MSLT - Multiple Sleep Latency Test (basically, a series of naps). What he did NOT do is tell me to stop taking my antidepressant. I have no idea if my narcolepsy would have been identified three years earlier, but I certainly am suspicious.

In that same vein, many other narcoleptics have had doctors suddenly re-evaluate their conditions. They go to new physicians who question the old diagnosis. Some even have doctors who refuse to believe the obvious symptoms that the patients exhibit and will not order the proper sleep tests. As a result most narcoleptics feel like they are banging their heads against brick walls - ones with big, sharp spikes popping out at random intervals. Certainly, the only choice is to cope, but that can be so hard when fatigue is your constant companion. I am lucky. My narcolepsy, while a huge burden, is not accompanied with cataplexy (at least not yet). If I do develop cataplexy I will likely be unable to drive. Thankfully, I can still do my job, although only part-time. I can also help my wife and play with my daughter. But even today I am angry about what I did not do. I finished my grades and cleaned my classroom. I dropped off items for my summer course and did some shopping. I will even manage to do some cleaning, but it is NOT enough. My wife also had a rough day. She is now out playing ultimate Frisbee, which she needs to do. If I don't get the kitchen cleaned, I will be letting her down, but worse I will be creating more work for one of us down the road.

Narcolepsy is an evil and silent menace. Daily, I feel like I wade into combat with it. Today was hard because it seems to have the upper hand on a friend. Maybe that helped it have the upper hand on me too. I know I have been off today. Some of it is the lack of "teaching" in my day. Of course, I will likely write next Monday that my teaching drained too much from me. Darn, that balance concept keeps popping up. There is no magic pill for this condition. There is no special surgery. Narcolepsy just is. Thus, I will go to sleep at 10 PM and get up at 5:30 AM and do my best to find the routine that will help me stay as balanced as possible.

Just Another Wacky Day

I had thought my next blog would be about the amazing experience of being in my men's group. I also considered a blog entry on the importance of therapy. A third topic choice was the vitality of friendship and its importance in my life. Nowhere in my planned list of entries was "completely insane day centered on your wife's health issues." And yet, here we are!

My wife is amazing. She truly stuns me on a daily basis. Not only does she manage to love me unconditionally, even with the gloom of narcolepsy hanging over me, but also she daily proves that nothing rivals the affection of a mother for her child. Our daughter goes non-stop and taxes both my and my wife's reserves. Since I don't have much, my wife bears the brunt of the parenting, and virtually every other home life responsibility. Rather than becoming feed up with our child, my wife's enthusiasm for our not so little girl grows with each challenge and demand. It is astounding.

Beyond that, the love of my life is also a phenomenal editor and writer. Her work at the University of Minnesota Medical School has already garnered her a tremendous reputation. Recently, she facilitated a four session workshop on grant writing. Every week she had 50 doctors and researchers engaged for an hour and a half - about writing! She is even better one-on-one and rarely does someone walk away dissatisfied from working with her. Her professionalism and dedication are the stuff of legend among her peers.

Given all of that, it is unbelievable that we spent the afternoon running around dealing with her health issues rather than mine. She is the strong one; I am the ill one. Yet, she has been struggling for weeks with fatigue and stress issues. We have even discussed the possibility that she might have a sleep disorder. Talk about irony! Today, though, went well beyond speculation. Periodically, my wife has had severe abdominal pain. The working theory has been that she experiences ovarian cysts in those episodes. She had a situation last week and even got to discuss it with her other concerns during an appointment with her nurse practitioner. They did a number of tests, and many have already come back normal.

Then, today, my wife called me right before Noon. I was in the middle of class and could not call her until the class ended. When we finally had the chance to talk, she told me that she was experiencing the pain again and was unsure if she could drive. She did manage to get home. I then headed home to get her and brought her to her clinic. After getting our daughter at school and canceling my own appointment, we returned to the clinic to find my wife still waiting and in pain. She finally headed back and was there for an hour. An X-Ray showed nothing significant, and my wife got some Mira-lax in hopes that would help. We still needed to get her to the hospital, though, for a pelvic ultrasound. We don't have those results yet, but my wife is convinced they will be normal too.

She headed to bed as soon as we got home. I must admit that I am scared. My wife's dad has had some major health issues - surviving colon cancer, sleep apnea, type II diabetes. At one level I am sure that she is fine, but it also frightens me that someone as tough and driven as my wife could be incapacitated in this way. The reality is that NOTHING has ever slowed her down when she needs to get things done. But, whatever this is, it has stopped her in her tracks. It is also eating at her that she feels so limited. The quirk is that she keeps checking with me to make sure that I don't think she is being lazy. It is almost laughable that she would feel that way. For seven years, I have barely been able to function due to mysterious and strange health issues, yet she worries that I will think she is weak after a day of pain. Of course, I am complete empathy. Unknown medical problems are horribly frustrating. My own issues have (and sometimes still do) driven me bonkers. Given the way our culture treats illness, it is no wonder that most of us beat ourselves up for getting sick. Being a drain is bad, thus we must be bad if we are sick. How warped is that thinking? Yet, we all do it.

I desperately hope that nothing is seriously wrong with my wife. I don't know how we will weather the reality of two limited adults in this house. But, if something is deeply wrong, I honestly hope we can find it soon so my wife does not have to face the medical nightmare that I experienced, moving from specialist to specialist, never getting a clear answer. The most irrational moments that I have are the ones where I convince myself that I have somehow given my wife this illness. So many of her symptoms mirror my early ones. Of course, that could just be me making myself the center of attention, rather than providing my wife the attention and care that she deserves. Please keep her and our whole family in your thoughts. Thanks!

Attitude is Everything

What a weird week. I have felt "off" since Sunday. It is certainly not the first (nor will it be the last) time that I have found myself struggling physically for a number of days in a row. What makes this particular stretch unusual, though, is the fact that my mood had remained upbeat. My stomach and bowels have been horrid. My head has been swimming every morning. As much as my knee is improving, both of them still hurt. I am behind in my correcting, stressed about the messy state of our home, and worried that I am not doing enough for my wife and daughter. But even with all of those things (and hundreds of others) spinning in my head, joy continues to percolate up to the surface. By all accounts my mood should be foul. Instead, I still have a smile.

I know that many dark days (weeks, months, years?) are ahead, but I also know that I am beginning to accept - truly and honestly - what it means to have narcolepsy. I have know cognitively for the last few years that I am limited. I have also realized for the last few months that a clear medical reason exists for those limitations. What has changed is that I am finally allowing my heart and soul to accept this reality. Emotionally and spiritually, the facts of my narcolepsy are finally settling. I am beginning to find peace internally and externally with who I am. I not only know that I am doing my best, but I actually also believe it. That is progress!

I started this blog last night (after taking my drugs which led me to the wise decision to finish it today). Usually, I would expect the great mood I had yesterday to disappear - simply to spite me. But, when I awoke this morning, everything was the same. EVERYTHING - meaning that my body still felt awful and even that was okay. It is crazy, at least it is for me. I was even late for my therapy appointment. While I felt bad, most of my remorse centered on not being able to use my full time to discuss how well I have been handling life's challenges. I am learning to let go and to allow myself the mistakes and errors that are a human reality. Maybe I will even learn to let the lessons of this week continue to build into next week. I guess I will see.

Off Day, Lifted Spirits

I know a day will come when I am not surprised by the irony of my life. Likely, it will be years from now, and I will miss the irony due to senility rather than its actual absence, but I am sure the day will come. Until then, I will simply have to accept that I am blind to my own observations. I regularly comment on the paradox of life, but then get caught off guard when my own paradoxes spring to life at a moment's notice.

Today, I woke up and knew I was off. I could feel the slight swimming of my world even as I fed the cats and took my meds. Such days are never good, but at least my spirits weren't dampened by the dizziness. I got back into bed, ate my breakfast, did the sudoku, read the sports section, chatted with my wife and daughter, and even loved the cats. I also had at least four bowel movements, realized my intestines were horrid and continued to feel unbalanced. As my wife and daughter headed to work and school, I remained grateful that my mood was still decent, even while my day was clearly going down the drain. Perhaps, the ill feelings were a result of me channeling my frustration of four days of starting a DVD that I knew were ahead at my job this week.

I finally got moving and did my knee exercises. I got ready for school and had two or three more bouts with my bowels. My casual drive in got me to work with a half hour to spare. I had a couple of good conversations and tried to find a few friends. I eventually got to chatting with two wonderful teachers, and we shared our weekends. This awful day still had its redeeming moments, I thought. When the bell rang, I made my way to my classroom and got the DVD set up. Although I couldn't focus on any correcting, I did clear up some issues with three students. I also got some planning work done for my new course starting in the fall. I had another bowel moment and wrestled with a full bladder, but made it to lunch and still had a smile on my face. I began to wonder what kind of day it was - awful or great.

Lunch was good and meeting with my team for next year was even better. My final class again found me regretting the lack of student interaction, but also getting more work done. I dashed to my massage and entered the twilight zone. Some woman was yelling at the awesome staff at Langford Chiropractic. Turns out she was the first of a string of unique customers today. Still, I got my massage and experienced tremendous pain and relief all at the same time. My massage therapist is incredibly skilled, but my muscles are horribly tight - once again, awful AND great. Yet, when I got done, I was late picking up my daughter after band. I beat myself up in the car, but kept losing my train of thought. Sometimes, narcolepsy is a blessing! Naomi was waiting in a friend's car for the second time in 5 days (same friend too), thus I felt more shame. But, as I headed back to get my chiropractic adjustment, I again felt lighter. My chiropractor was excited to hear how well things are going with my knee.

The final moment of insanity happened at home. My wife was already home and thrilled to see both me and our daughter. Somehow, though, everything went south (and I was still having bowel issues). My daughter made a snide comment to me. I fired back a few moments later, and then my wife got upset. Normally, this scenario would make for world war three. Today, we all retreated and then forgave each other. Within 30 minutes we were all sitting together talking about life and evening plans.

The beauty of life's paradoxes is that a day like this, filled with shame and anger and illness and pain, can also be a good day. In fact, today was a great day. I am most stunned at this moment by the realization that I should have been a wreck today. Whether it was my bowels, or the embarrassment of getting my daughter late, or the pain in my muscles, I should have fallen apart. Instead, I have remained upbeat. I love that my rotten days can, at times, produce days like today. So many things went wrong, and yet I can only think of what has gone right. Perhaps my understanding of balance is not so far away.