The Man Two Legs was sent to a strippers pub to rescue two cats as the Lady Two Legs didn't want to go....what is stripper?

The Man Two Legs seemed very keenimuss to go - in fact he seemed to be there far longer than he needed to be. I not knows why......

More cats in my house????.....Well there used to be more than there is nowimuss.....DJ gone, Scampi gone....I suppose I can be accomodating....besides....I needs more Centurions around me to do my bidding!

This is Tabatha.....she is well preggers!...she is about to 'pop' says Lady Two Legs...Pop?...She will go 'POP!'??....I thought she was having kittens....

This is Gracie Mae according to the Two Legs...I would call her Bat Ears myself....She is sweetimuss and subservient to The Great Maximus so I likes her.

The Maximus household is growing againimuss and I likes it!!!

I is MAXIMUS WRIGGLY KITTY SPITTIMUS and I has spokens

SCAMPI THE WISE AND VENERABLE IS IN A BETTER PLACE

Man Two Legs came downstairs this morning. Scampi had been a bit wobblymuss lately. I think we all knew he was nearing the end.

Still, 22 years is a good age for a cat! He had been sleeping on an armchair for two weeks and Scampi never slept in any chair.....he slept outside in all weathers and only came in when he was sickimuss - and even then the Two Legs had to wear thick gloves to take him to the Vets!!!!

The Two Legs put a blanky in the kitchen near the cat flap so he could run out when he wanted. Scampi slept on his blankymuss. He stopped running out of the cat flap.

He was lying on his blanky in the kitchen. When man Two Legs walked in to put the kettle on - what is kettle? - Scampi meowed.

Man Two Legs picked him up - that was when I knew. NOBODY. NOBODY ever picked up Scampi.

Man Two Legs carried him to water bowlimuss and tried to get him to drink. He meowed again and Man Two Legs put him back on his blanky.

His will was still there but his old body was letting him down.

Man Two Legs called Lady Two Legs and Little Two Legs and they stroked him and kissed him and he went. Just like that.

Seconds before he went he did something oddimuss.

When his sister, Tiddler, was here he used to put his right paw on her head.

He raised his right paw and held it in mid-air for a while......then he went.

My Scampi has gone.

I am bereft....I am inconsolableimuss....I am hungry....

Feed me!

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I has lost my Scampi....now FEED ME!!!!

Bye old friend...sleep tight...Fourdinners, Caz and Jax  xxxxxx

My Centurion Guards

The Stealth Bomber is not known as The Stealth Bomber for nothings....

He catch Mousey and brings it back for me to play with. It is my very own pet mousey!!!

He carries it gently along the top of the fence so I can admire my Chief Centurians grace and loyalty to the Emporer Maximus Spittimus.

Then he puts my new mousey down so I cans play with it....BUT!!! Man Two Legs rescues Mousey and frees it!!!! MY MOUSEY!!!! Brought to his Emporer by Stealthey!!! I chases it around and around before Man Two Legs can catch it so I does have some funnimuss.

Bumble (aka The Bumbles aka Bumbleeny) explains to me that Two Legs have always rescued mouseys and frogses and anything that she used to bring home. They do??? Two Legs is very weirdimuss!!!

My wise and venerable Scampi sets up an observation post to tell me if my mousey comes back to play with me again....although strangely, Scampi seems to think it unlikely. Unlikely? Doesn't my mousey understand how honoured he would be to let The Emporer Maximus Spittimus play with him. I would only nibble his head a little bit!!!

All this cahsing mousey and trying to understand silly Two Legs has made me tiredimuss. I sleeps now.

I IS MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS, EMPORER OF YOU ALL AND I HAS SPOKENS.

They Is Back

Now I knows I hads Scampi (The Venerable and Wise), Bumble (aka The Bumbles aka Bumbleeny) and, of course, Stealthy (aka The Stealth Bomber) for company but.....

BUT

Otherwise I was aloneimuss!!!!

I was left aloneimuss!!!!!

They shall pay the price.

I shall bite toes and scratch delicate bits when they is asleepimuss.

The wrath of Maximus Spittimus will know no bounds.

Well.....

...I will waitimuss until the Little Two Legs is back from Madagascarimuss.

Then they will not expect it.

I is going to have fun.

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I is waiting...I is biding my timeimuss.

I will be UNLEASHED!!!!!

I IS WILDIMUSS!!!! 

I WILL NEVER BE LEFT ALONEIMUSS AGAIN!!!!

er.....can I have some foodimuss?....

Scampi The Wise And Venerable

Scampi survives. I has no idea how he survives but he does. He is nearly 22 years oldimuss.

He is happy and he sleeps and eats and enjoys the Maximus Spittimus Garden in the sun.

I loves my Scampi and am so so happy he is still here with ME.

I just wanted you to knowimuss.

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I has spokens.

The Garden Of Maximus Spittimus

I loves my garden I does.

It is changing though. The Man Two Legs has found someone in need of work and, as the Man Two Legs is apt to do, he has 'taken him under his wing' (as the Lady Two Legs says)....Man Two legs has wings??? He is birdie???....I may eat him!!!!

There is things going on in my garden.....strange things.....this man emptied the top pond and put the fishies in the bottom pondimuss....I is alright with that....I can chase them in the bottom pondimuss....but why?

I is sitting on the 'water feature' cause it isn't.....watering that is....my garden is changing and I don't know if I likes it yet....The Man Two Legs says 'It will be fine Maximus....trust me I'm from Oldham'...

He might be from Oldham...wherever that is...but he's daftimuss as a brushimuss you know....

The Stealth Bomber...Head Centurion Extraordinaire...is perplexed. Perplexed I say!.....He has been decimating the wildlife in MY garden ever since he strayed in here two years ago....Now the fishies are in a deeper pond he can't reach them.....the frogs are sticking their tongues out at him (assuming frogs have tongues)....My garden is changing!!!

Lots of trees are gone now....not the one with the Magpies nest in it, so I can still climb up and try to steal their eggs - except Magpies have no respect for your Emporer...they hisses and screeches and trys to peck my eyes....I WILL get their eggs one day!!!!!

In the meantime I will sit on the water feature until it starts to water again and watch this strange man chop up trees and make MY garden bigger.

I don't knows.....It feels very oddimuss.....The sun shines on me more than it did - which is goodimuss - but there are fewer places to hide and seek with Stealthy.....

Still....The Great Sage Scampi and The Queen Bumble seem to like more light in MY garden so I suppose I will have to allow these changes....

I am MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I is sitting on a water feature until it spurts again...

I 'as spokens....

The Emporer Of The Universe, The Lord Of All That Is...I'd better carry on this in the post...

...The One And Only Maximus Spittimus, Grand Centurion Leader, Duke Of Catdom, Governer Of Dogdom (at least those dogs who are wisely on my side), Cat God Of All That Is And All That Will Be (if I let it be which mainly depends on how much food is involved in giving my permission for it to be), Chief Bunny (I have to say that as I have Bunny Centurions and need to keep them 'onside'), Most Worthy And Glorious Ruler Of You All...

...has one thing to say. Think before you writimuss!!!

SCAMPI is a BOY. Scampi is not a GIRL. Scampi may be on the way out in the not too distant futureimuss but PLEASE!...Respectimuss!!! Scampi is MY advisor and he is not a girlimuss!!!

...Actually...

SCAMPI is so incensed by the 'she' comments you have added weeks or months onto his lifeimuss!!!

By Order Of His Excellency Maximus Spittimus you must continue to refer to SCAMPI as a girlimuss...it is making him angrymuss and he is getting stronger!!!!

I has spokens.

MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS...Emporer Of The Universe and all that other stuff I just saidimuss.....

SCAMPI

My Scampi is now 22 years old.

That, according to The Two Legs, is a good age for a cat.

As I am only 2 years old....or thereabouts...I will concur with The Two Legs....

Scampi is my oldest and wisest advisor. Scampi knows.

SCAMPI KNOWS.

He is not long for our world...not long for MY world. Scampi is very oldimuss. Few cats make it to 22.

Scampi has.

Scampi is my friend. Scampi is my reason. Without Scampi I am not the Maximus I am whilst Scampi is here.

I is frightenedimuss.....MY Scampi is leaving me.

Day by day he is leaving me!!!!

I will never forget you Scampi.

You will live on in my heart.

You will live on in my Two Legs hearts.

2011 is the year I will lose my Scampi........

I knows this.

Nite nite my Scampi....

Nite nite.....

A Goose??? A Goose???

The Two Legs is back - and about time too. Leaving me on my ownsimuss indeed!

The Stealth Bomber vanished for five days, Bumble hid in the wardrobe and Scampi crapped in the bedroom - I loves Scampi!!!!

The Little Two Legs and her pet...another man Two Legs...came to stay. That was coolimuss but, they brought another 4 Two Legses that we didn't even knowimuss!!!

'Strangers!' meowed Stealthy and wasn't seen again until he heard our Two Legs voices when they came back.

Little Two Legs fed us and watered us and cuddled me so...just to show who is really in charge I went off my foodimuss - I didn't really, I just wanted everyone to feel guilty!!! (I ate biccies at night when nobody was looking - don't tell them)

Lady Two Legs is still laughings 'cause Man Two Legs was chased by a Goose. It looks like a big fat pigeon to me.

Lady Two Legs say Man Two Legs tried to walk away when the Goose charged but it wouldn't acceptimuss 'walking'. It kept charging Man Two Legs until he started runnings!!!

I is going along next time. I must see Goose chasing Man Two Legs!!!!.....I will ask it to join my Centurion Army. In fact...I will makes it honorararary member now I shall.

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and likes Gooses!

Scampi And The Bumbles Is Sleepings

The old and venerable Scampi is sleepings...he does this a lot...he is 21 years old and that is very oldimuss for a cat. He advises Your Emporer and tells me when I is being silly or unreasonable...not that I is ever silly or unreasonable of courseimuss...How can I be?...I is the Centre Of Everything!

The Bumbles...aka Bumble....aka Bumble-eeny is sleepings too...Bumble is a lady I adore...but I doesn't understandimuss.

She hits me around the head....How can anyones hit me??? I is Maximus Spittimus!!!! The Emporer of The World!!! The Bumbles is keeping me in my placeimuss says The Two Legs...

My placeimuss is Ruler Of The Universe!!!...I doesn't needs keepings in my place!! I is already in my place!!!

I loves The Bumbles but I is confused...I is hit around the headimuss when I tries to eats The Bumbles foodimuss.

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS  and I rules the Universe - as long as The Bumbles says so.....

All Is Wellimus In The World Of Maximus Spittimus

I is good....actually...I is greatimuss!!!

Bumble is well again,

Scampi is Scampi

 

and The Stealth Bomber continues to stealthily bomb any living creature that invades MY garden.

 

The Maximus Spittimus Universe is good.

The Two Legs universe is a bit chaotic so he can't post a lot for a bittimuss.

Well...that's what he thinks....carefully directed claws in delicate places will ensue and MAXIMUS WILL NOT BE DENIED!

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS  and I has spokens to my loyal Centurions (and other lesser creatures)

(If you would honour me by becoming a MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS CENTURION then e-mail your picture and details to fourdinners@aol.com....but make it quickimuss...AOL are toast in the Maximus household and will shortly be replaced by Orange).

So there.

The End Of The First Year and The Start Of The Second Year Of Maximus Spittimus

This is the year of me - Maximus Spittimus. Well, last year was the year of me too. Every year is the year of meimuss - and quite right too! After all, I is the Emporer of everythings I surveys and everythings I don't surveys so every year has to be the year of meimuss!!!

Last year was greatimuss cause it was my first year so it must have been the first year the universe existed - I know there was other cats before me but everything must have been a sort of void back then as I wasn't in it.

I is going to post more now I has recovered from Christmas and New Year. I ates so much turkey I couldn't move for most of January and the Two Legs had to carries me everywhere. I deserved the turkey though so that is alrights.

The tree belonged to me but Bumble guarded it for me.

I practised my Ninja skills on Stealthy - lulling him into a false sense of security then bopping him on the headimuss!

Little Two Legs was home with another man Two Legs who made a fuss of me so he can come againimuss. He is called Max so I likes him a lotimuss!!!!

Man Two Legs drank lots of the stuff he drinks but he didn't fall over like everyone else who drank lots of this stuff.

Little Two Legs drank something called 'Daddy's Special Home Made Ukranian Vodka'. I don't know what it is but she said the room was spinning around and hid under Man Two Legs fleece. The room wasn't spinnings!!! I would have known if the room wwas spinnings! I would have got dizzimuss!!! Two Legs can be very strange.....

Lady Two Legs nearly lost the turkey to The Bumbles - good job she isn't as quick as she used to be!

Scampi had his turkey mashed up so he could chew it. I will still have all my teeths when I is 21 years old!!!!

I think this is going to be a very good year - mainly cause I am in it.

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I has spokens.

A HAPPY MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS NEW YEAR!!!

Two Legs has new camera for his birthday so there will be lots of new up to date pics of me.

There will also be lots of new up to date pics of Bumble, Scampi and Stealthy.....but

...more importantly...there will be lots of up to date pics of me. Maximus Spittimus. Emporer of all I survey and any bits that I may have missed through the necessity of sleeping and eating and washing.

I, MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS, wish all of MY CENTURIONS a HAPPY NEW YEAR  as you bask in MY Greatness.

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I has spokens.

White Stuff Up My Nose!!!...I Is Maximus Trekimus

It has been snowings. I has been sniffings the snow.

I is stayings in by the warm fire.

I is Maximus Spittimus and I is sensibles!!!!

Happy Christmuss to ALL my valued Centurions!!!!!


-----------------------------------------------------------


A note from Four Dinners, Aide de Camp, Maximus Spittimus :

Maximus watched virtually the entire movie of Star Trek whatever it was....3?...4? - the one with the Whales.

He was fascinated by the Whale Song and sat on the arm of the sofa staring at the TV every time the Whale Song was played.

The Stealth Bomber wandered in and sat in the middle of the floor staring at the TV every time the Whale Song was played.

The Bumble appeared...then old Scampi

All four watched Captain Kirk and Mr Spock get it on with the Whales and responded with 'chirrups' every time the Whale Song was heard.

Watching this was quite extraordinary.

Then again....

Maximus Spittimus is quite extraordinary...he told me so.

----------------------------------------------------

A Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of the important life forms on our planet. Mainly cats of course but the rest of you are quite important too......

MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS

The Maximus Spittimus, aka Wriggly Kitty's, Army

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS. I is Emperor and Lord of ALL I SURVEY - and any bits that I don't survey....just cause I am not surveying them doesn't mean they aren't MINE!

I has 'nickname' according to Two Legs. I is 'Wriggly Kitty'.

Wriggly Kitty????

What is Wriggly Kitty????

"We picks you up and you 'wriggles'" says Two Legs....True...I does....but...BUT!

I is Emperor Maximus Spittimus!!!! I can only be picked upimuss when I wants to be picked upimuss!!!

Wriggly Kitty?......Oh dearimuss.....Two Legs have no idea have they????

Two Legs ARE useful...they feed us and ...er....well....do my bidding...and things...

Take Blackie for instance...He was Blackie and now he's Stealth Bomber...which is, I admit, far more appropriateimuss....

He doesn't answer to 'Blackie' anymore...he only answers to 'Stealthy'...so I supposeimuss his nickname is now his nameimuss.....

Bumble is always Bumble....sometimes she is 'The Bumbles'....either way she just IS.

We is BRIGHT EYES!!!! Bumble (The Bumbles) by my sideimuss and Stealth (Stealthy) Bomber formerly known as Blackie guarding the space that belongs to MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS!!!

The 'wise one' that is Scampi is Scampi - but Two Legs call him 'The Creaking Gate'....Scampi is not a gate!...creaking or otherwiseimuss!!!! Gates are not CATS!!! Two Legs are weird......

Scampi stays on the ground and does not climb anymore....he knows the ground is the sensible place to be...

It is so good that I is THE EMPEROR!!! If I wasn't in chargeimuss nobody would know who anybody elseimuss WAS!!!!!

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS AND I HAS SPOKENS.

Maximus Spittmus Centurions R U

I is not looking down on my Centurions...honestimuss I isn't...I is just higher up than them!!!

I adore my Centurions and I rules them with lots of lovimuss!!!

The Bumbles is my Head Centurioness...She protects me and stays by my side and nobody....NOBODY...messes with The Bumbles...even me!!!

The Bumbles IS The Bumbles and she is my Greatest Centurioness everimuss

The Bumbles is. She just IS.

The Stealth Bomber just IS as well...He has decimated the wildlife population in the Two Legs garden....

Birds, Frogs, Mice, Rats....The Stealthymuss Bomber doesn't care!!! He brings them all home for The Two Legs.

He never kills them though. They is running and hopping about every morning and Man Two Legs returns them to the gardenimuss...until Stealth Bomber brings them back in again...;-)

Scampi is 20 years oldimuss....Scampi is my DJ now...I lost my DJ so Scampi teaches me...he is old and wise

Two Legs says he will not 'make next summer' but I knows Scampi.....He will always be here even when he isn't.

Scampi will never leave me. Not really. Like DJ he will live forever in the mind of Maximus Spittimus.

I is MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS and I as spokens.

except....

I wants more Centurions for my protection.

I does.

If you would like to join my Centurions and be a part of the life of the one and only Maximus Spittimus then e-mail your pics to fourdinners@aol.com and The Two Legs will post your pics and you will be a part of my Centurion Army for ever and ever and ever.

Then like me...Maximus Spittimus...you will be immortalimuss!!!!

MAXIMUS SPITTIMUS has spokens...

ps....Old Kitty and Charlie are Senior Centurions already.... just so you knowimuss...