"Gossip and Prayer Requests" Guest Posts

Yesterday, Ed Stetzer and the Biblical Counseling Coalition both ran versions of my "Gossip and Prayer Requests" article on their blogs, which makes 3 guest post versions of the article, including the LifeNotes one from last week.

So encouraging to see this get out to more people!

Ed Stetzer's "The Exchange" Blog

The Biblical Counseling Coalition "Grace and Truth" Blog

Life Notes LifeLetter Cafe

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Resisting Gossip Together was released on Tuesday, October 7th.

View The Resisting Gossip Video Teaching Series online or order the DVD.

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Gossip Is NOT Just a Female Thing!

Who Gossips More: Men or Women?

That’s actually a hard question to answer. It’s clear that women are more often thought of as gossips. I hear a lot of scorn heaped on women for gossip whereas the men seem to get a pass. Females are always the butt of the gossip jokes:

“What’s the best way to spread a message? Television, telephone, or tell-a-woman?”

I was surprised in my study of gossip in the Bible, however, to see gossip noted as a temptation for both genders. Certainly, 1 Timothy 5 says that women are prone (and see 1 Timothy 3:11 and Titus 2:3, as well). But the Proverbs–a book primarily written by men for young men–present gossipers in a more masculine context. And the brothers who were idle in Thessalonica were definitely becoming busybodies.

Gossip Is Not Just a Female Thing. 

Men often fall into gossip, but we do it in masculine ways–the locker room scuttlebutt, the board room rumors, the two buddies in a deerstand or pickup truck sharing a shameful story about someone who isn’t there. I said it this way in Resisting Gossip:

Let’s be clear: this behavior is not just a female thing! Women get blamed for being gossips more than men do because they are more relational by nature and more interested in the things that make up stereotypical gossip. Gossip, though, is a gender-equal sin. The busybodies Paul confronted in Thessalonica included a number of unemployed men (see 2 Thess 3:6-14). If we are not busy with productive, purposeful, godly activity, any of us can easily be sucked into being a gossipy busybody (pg. 56-57).

On the Other Hand...

Conversely, it is possible that gossip, while a temptation for both genders, is more of a temptation for women than men. [See my interaction last January with sharp-thinking missionary and blogger Paul Schlehlein on this question.] I can’t say empirically that men have just as many opportunities to gossip as women do or that gossip isn’t more tantalizing for more women than men. It is certainly true that many many women have reported struggling with this temptation (and I’m thankful for the women’s ministries who have written me thank-you notes for how Resisting Gossip has helped them). I wish I had more than anecdotal evidence to go upon for answering this question.

Perhaps it has less to do with gender than wordiness and relationality. Those people, male or female, who talk more and are more extroverted are probably much more prone to sinful gossip. “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise” (Proverbs 10:19).

I know for a fact that, in my house, the husband is at least 500% more likely to gossip than the wife.

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Resisting Gossip Together releases on Tuesday, October 7th.

View The Resisting Gossip Video Teaching Series online or order the DVD.

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Gossip and Prayer Requests

Oh, those infamous prayer requests!

“We need to pray for Olivia and Liam. I heard that they might be getting a divorce!”

“I’m calling to ask for prayer for the church board. Something big is happening tonight. The chairman might resign!”

“How do we keep gossip out of our prayer ministries?” is the most frequently asked question I have received since I began teaching on resisting gossip.

It’s complicated. We want to encourage much intercessory prayer, so we create and maintain phone chains and email prayer lists and we take requests for others at small groups and prayer meetings. However, prayer requests come from sinners, are about sinners, and are passed on to other sinners, so there are plenty of opportunities for sinful gossip to make an entrance in the process (Proverbs 10:19).

Here is a mental checklist that I have developed for managing prayer requests in a careful, godly manner. Before you pass on that request, make sure to check your facts, your role, your audience, and your heart.

❑ Check Your Facts

Prayer requests can be famous for being fuzzy. That’s no big deal if the situation isn’t something potentially shameful. If it gets reported that “Cheryl is having her tonsils out,” when Cheryl is really going to have her wisdom teeth removed, it’s embarrassing to the one with the incorrect facts, but not embarrassing to Cheryl. But if we report that “Cheryl got cut from the team” or “Cheryl lost her job” or “Cheryl broke up with Jeremy,” then it could be very damaging.

Check your source. Is this info straight from the horse’s mouth? Verify the facts. Is there another way of interpreting the facts you have (Proverbs 18:17)?  Don’t transmit hearsay or rumor. Make sure what you are passing on is true.

And remember–you don't have to share all of the juicy details with others (even their names). God knows all about it.

❑ Check Your Role

Are you the right person to pass on this request? Do the people being talked about want this request to be made known? Would they want it repeated if they knew about it? Is the prayer request confidential? (If so, keep it that way!) Is this your place? Should you shoulder this prayer burden alone, not shrug it off onto others?

Many of us never ask ourselves these key questions. The answers are not always obvious. Sometimes we still need to pray for people who wouldn’t want it–unbelievers who don’t believe in prayer, for example. But, often, simply applying Jesus’ Golden Rule of Thumb answers a lot of difficult questions (Matthew 7:12).

❑ Check Your Audience

Some people shouldn’t be trusted with certain prayer requests. Think about the person you are talking with. Are they tempted to be a gossip? Do they seem over-eager to hear bad news? Do they have a reputation for being safe or unsafe with confidences (Proverbs 11:13)?

Be discerning. There may be nothing wrong with passing on this request to one person but everything wrong with passing it on to another.

❑ Check Your Heart

Sinful gossip is bearing bad news behind someone’s back out of a bad heart. What is your motivation for sharing this prayer request? Is it loving? Is it for the glory of God?

Be honest. Do you actually want to be seen as someone “in the know” with an inside scoop? Do you want to impress your friend?  Do you get a surreptitious thrill from sharing the juicy secret? Are you passing it on for entertainment purposes? Are you asking for prayer about a situation so that you can stealthily complain? Would you say it differently if the person you’re talking about was present?

A good prayer request comes from the good stored up in a good heart, and one day, we’ll all have to give an account for the prayer requests we passed on (cf. Matthew 12:35-36). May we be found faithful.

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Resisting Gossip Together releases on Tuesday, October 7th.

View The Resisting Gossip Video Teaching Series online or order the DVD.

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Grabbing a Dog by the Ears (To My Shame)

The other day I was standing in the teller line at the bank, and I fell into being a busybody.

Here's what happened:

While standing there waiting for my transaction to go through, I noticed that there was a car waiting at the drive-through line. At our branch, the tellers work at the inside counter when there is no one at the window for the drive-through.

I assumed (key word!) that the other teller (not mine, of course!) was supposed to be working the drive-through and judged (key word!) that she shouldn't be chatting with the guy at her station but helping the driver at the window. I could see the driver's face, and he looked frustrated that no one was coming to the window.

Now, at other times, I've noticed that there was someone there, and helped out a teller by pointing out a driver at the teller line and been thanked. (Aren't a helpful guy?)

But this time, the other teller was busy talking with another customer. However, I was listening to their conversation (yikes!), and I judged (key word!) that what they were talking about wasn't as important as the frustrated guy at the drive-through window. And I judged (key word!) that their transaction was taking too long.

Now, understand, I'm not the manager at the bank. I'm just a customer at the counter.

But at that moment, I took it upon myself to point at the window and tell the other teller (not mine of course!), "Hey, you have a customer!"

Oops. I just grabbed a dog by the ears.

"Like one who seizes a dog by the ears is a passer-by who meddles in a quarrel not his own." (Proverbs 26:17)

All things considered, they took it well. The other customer (a friend of mine), said, "What am I? Chopped liver?" and they laughed. The teller said, "Thanks, Pastor Matt, I'll check on them in a moment."

But, right then, I realized that I was not being helpful; I was being a busybody.  The teller was doing her job well, the customer at the counter was being cared for, the customer at the drive-through would be cared for (and apologized to for the wait, if appropriate), and I had nothing to do with it. It was not my business.

This is a very tame example of Proverbs 26:17. I'm thankful that I hadn't caught a barking, biting, or rabid dog. There have been other times when I've done much worse (with real conflicts!). But my cheeks are still burning as I recount this story today, because I'm the guy who wrote the book on resisting gossip. I'm supposed to know better and to not fall into the kind of judgmentalism that issues into this kind of busybody activity.

However, I'm still prone to grabbing dogs' ears and need to continue to grow in vigilance in guarding my heart.

How about you? Is there an area in life where you are sticking your nose into someone else's business and are risking a bark or bite?

[Image courtesy of sue_r_b at RGB Stock Photos]

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Can Gossip be Sharing GOOD News?

Every once in a while, I get asked if sinful gossip could be the sharing of good news behind someone’s back.

Perhaps a gossipy person is the first to tell a mutual friend’s happy news: an engagement, a new job, a new hairdo, something like that, in a way that scoops the “owner” of the news.

Being cheated out of getting to be the first to share your own good news can certainly be painful. I don't like it when it happens to me. (Though it's not nearly as painful as someone spreading bad news about me!)

I can see how this might fit into a biblical understanding of gossip in that “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret” (Prov 11:13). Any time we share a secret that isn’t ours to share, we could fall into the category of a gossip–even if the secret itself is good news.

I do think, however, that most of the time the secrets being shared by a gossip are shameful secrets–bad news about or for someone else. And even when the news item is positive, our twisting it to our own selfish ends like that can make it a kind of bad news, as well.

Whether it is gossip or not, it is definitely being a busybody to cheat our friends out of getting to be first to share their news, and in love we should resist the urge (2 Thess 3:11, 1 Tim 5:13).

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How Do I Seek Advice Without Turning It Into Gossip?

From a friendly reader named Christi:

"Here is my question: If I am having a conflict/issue/whatever you like to call it with 'Jane' how do I seek advice about it, without turning it into gossip?"

Great question, Christi! I'm encouraged that you're even asking this question. That tells me that you will probably have a much easier time keeping from gossiping than if you didn't care. Too often, we live carelessly and purposely.

Here's what I said about this kind of question in Resisting Gossip:

"Sometimes we need to seek counsel from a wise person about our conflicts and problems. Seeking counsel may involve sharing the shameful things that someone else has done without that person being there. It is certainly not sinful gossip to truly seek out help. On the other hand, we can often mask our desire
to gossip by claiming that we are just seeking counsel. The key to sharing circumstances with people in a right way is to keep loving others even when we have to talk about them and even if they are our enemies. We’ll dig into this more in chapter 8, but simply put, we just need to apply Jesus’ Golden Rule to any difficult
situation. If you have to talk about someone when they are not present, make sure that you are treating them as you would want to be treated."  (pg. 29)

So, if you were Jane, how would you want that conversation to proceed?

Here are a couple of thoughts to add to that basic answer:

- You may not need to use Jane's name. If it's not necessary for your counselor to know it, that is one way of protecting her reputation.

- Try to limit the details to the facts that your counselor needs to help you with advice. He or she may not need to know all of your feelings about it or all of the nitty-gritty.

- Guard your heart. Remember to ask, "Why am I sharing this?" and don't assume that your motives are always healthy. Don't allow yourself to make excuses. Step back from asking for advice if you think you've slipped into doing it for the wrong reasons.

- Be very careful whom you ask for help. Don't ask someone who isn't safe and won't be as concerned for Jane's reputation as you are.

- Talk to the Lord about the situation before you talk to a human advice-giver.  Our Heavenly Father knows all about it and can handle whatever you tell Him. He's much safer than anyone else to talk to and won't be tempted to fall into gossip with you. I've found that if I pray about a situation before seeking advice, the Lord helps me to control my tongue and to ask for help in the right way.

Your Turn

What further would you suggest for Christi?

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So, Is This Gossip?

After I speak to a group like the Kylertown Center for Active Learning or the Clearfield WOW or CLC's Conversations at the Castle, I'm almost always asked specific questions about particular kinds of conversations with the tagline: "So, is this gossip?"

• "We talk about those who aren't here at our group and why they might have had to miss. Maybe they are sick. Is that like King David in Psalm 41? Is that gossip?"
• "I tell my friends what I heard on the police scanner. Is that gossip?"
• "I'm going out for dinner with my classmates from long ago, and I know we're going to get to asking what happened to all of our old friends and sharing people's histories. Is that gossip?"

I love that question!

I used to hate that question because I didn't have much clarity about gossip, but now I see it as a mark of growing maturity that it's even being asked.

The first thing I do is to say, "Maybe. It depends." My first inclination is to to reassure folks that they have not fallen into a trap, but I don't know if they have or haven't. Perhaps they have listened to my talk and the Spirit is tapping them on the shoulder with His loving conviction.

The second thing I say is, "Let's go back to our definition. The sin of gossip is bearing bad news behind someone's back out of a bad heart. Do you think you are doing that?" And we go over their specific question applying this definition.

Often, they are sharing some bad news, but it's not in a secretive, clandestine way. There is no "hiding" this sharing from the person being talked about. They wouldn't mind the subject knowing that they were talking about them. And often, there is a loving motive behind their talk.

So most of the time, the third thing I say is, "Sounds to me like you are fine. It doesn't sound like that is gossip."

But then, fourthly, I always try to say, "But I can see how that situation could turn into gossip." And I give them "frinstances" where the motive for sharing the bad news might get skewed or the talking might become sneakily clandestine. It's not always obvious because of all of the factors involved, including especially motive. 

I enjoy this part of the conversation. Heads begin to nod up and down and lights go on behind people's eyes. Sometimes the discussion goes deeper and sometimes it moves in a new direction. I enjoy it because it means that people are learning and are trying to actually apply what they have learned to their every day lives. That's what it's all about!

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By the way, this approach may sound too subjective to some. I know that it sometimes feels too subjective to me, especially since I don't always know my heart much less someone else's.  And yet, I do think this is a biblical way of understanding and addressing the problem. It fits with the "messiness" and complexity of every day life without falling into the error of complete subjectivity and total relativity.

Along these lines, I was helped by this article by Justin Taylor, quoting Peter Kreeft: Can You Be a Moral Absolutist If You Think It Sometimes Depends on the Motives and Situation? Yes, you can and should.

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Help Me with FAQ's about Resisting Gossip

I'm collecting frequently asked questions about gossip to answer in future blog posts.

What questions would you add to this list?

"Is ok to use the word "gossip" to describe something good?"

"I’d be interested in your definition of gossip. Where is the line?”

"Is it wrong to whisper?"

“I’ve been taught that if it’s true, it’s not gossip. Is that right?”

“That’s a real problem in our church, but nobody wants to talk about it. How do you get people to think about what they are saying?”

“How do you keep from gossiping? I mean, it’s everywhere.”

“When is your book coming out?”


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Is It Ok to Use the Word "Gossip" to Describe Something Good?

Quick Answer:

Sure! Go ahead, it’s a free country.

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Better Answer:

Yes, but make sure that you are clear in what you mean.  Some people just mean “small talk” when they say, “gossip,” and other people mean “bearing bad news behind someone’s back out of a bad heart.”  That could cause problems if you aren’t being clear.

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Longer Answer: 

This is a question that comes up often when talking about the problem of gossip. The difficulty comes from the way that language works.  When some people say, “gossip,” there are only bad connotations. But other people mean rather innocuous things by the word. I worked on this problem quite a bit when I was researching and writing my doctoral project.

Older Meanings of the English Word Gossip

“Gossip” hasn’t always meant the biblically bad thing. The first (and therefore oldest) meaning for “gossip” as a noun in The Oxford English Dictionary (OED) is “One who has contracted spiritual affinity with another by acting as a sponsor at a baptism.”¹ It comes from the Old English “godsibb,” meaning a god-relation such as a godfather or godmother.² What could be objected to in that?

It is only as the language develops that the English word takes on more disagreeable connotations. “Gossip” began to be used to describe the kind of personal talk that might pass between close intimates such as those present at a baptism or a birth. By the fourteenth century, it was used mainly of women and by the sixteenth century of a woman who “delights in idle talk; a newsmonger, a tattler.”³

But In the Bible

Now, in the Bible, we know that the idea of sinful gossip is much older than English--and that kind of gossip needs to be resisted. But because we use the English word (which has a history of elasticity), we need to be especially clear what we mean (and do not mean) when we say, “gossip.”⁴

The same is true of the words “whisper” and “whisperer.” It’s not morally wrong to use a small voice and whisper, but it is morally wrong to live out Proverbs 16:28. “A froward man soweth strife: and a whisperer separateth chief friends” (KJV).

Maybe we need a new word to describe “biblical gossip,” that is, gossip that is always bad all the time.  Or maybe we could resurrect an old one: talebearing.  Or maybe we just need to be careful to define our terms if we think people might not understand us.

Redeeming the Word

The flipside is also true: Just because someone said “gossip,” don’t assume that they meant everything the Bible is saying is bad. The word also has a history of describing something good and redemptive–loving small talk.  You and I might feel uncomfortable when we hear someone talking like that because we want to be biblical Christians, but we don’t want to become the “word police.”

So, when we encounter something like Kathleen Norris calling something “holy gossip,” before we judge her, we should cock and ear and listen first to what she says. “I love the part in our Presbyterian service when, before prayer, we share joys and concerns. We hear about somebody's grandkids visiting from Spokane or the birth of a great-grandchild. We also hear about someone losing a job or going into surgery. That's when the gossips get busy after church and call around. They get in touch with friends, neighbors, and relatives—does he really want to see people? Or is he too tired? Should I drop in today? That is a good use of gossip.”⁵ We could call that category: “redeemed gossip.”

Whatever we call it, and whatever we do, we should do it out of love.

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¹Oxford English Dictionary, 3^rd ed., s.v. “gossip,” oed.com/viewdictionaryentry/Entry/80197 (accessed February 1, 2011). The first known occurrence was 1014 AD. It was not coined by Shakespeare, as some have claimed, nor does it come from “sipping something good” while sharing the news in an American tavern. See Andrew J. Harvey, “Glenn Beck Meets Front Porch Linguistics,” Front Porch Republic Blog, entry posted January 27, 2011, http://www.frontporchrepublic.com/2011/01/glenn-beck-meets-front-porch-linguistics/ (accessed June 30, 2011).

²The Oxford English Dictionary, 3^rd ed., s.v. “gossip,” oed.com/viewdictionaryentry/Entry/80197 (accessed February 1, 2011).

³The Oxford English Dictionary, 3^rd ed., s.v. “gossip,” oed.com/viewdictionaryentry/Entry/80197 (accessed February 1, 2011).

⁴The elasticity of the English word “gossip” is utilized by Jerry Camery-Hoggatt in Grapevine: The Spirituality of Gossip (Scottdale: Herald Press, 2004). The author makes it clear that our lives are made up of little moments and “small” words. He is not talking just about what we might call “dark gossip,” but about small talk in its many forms.

⁵Kathleen Norris, Mark Galli, and David Goetz, “Amazing Grace-Filled Gossip: An Interview with Author Kathleen Norris,” Leadership 20, no. 1 (Winter 1999): 56-61, in ATLAReligion Database with ATLASerials, http://ebscohost.com (accessed July 26, 2011).

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