BBQ Rules

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill with an ice tea in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will fill bring him another iced tea while he flips the meat.

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL. . .AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off', and upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Dog's Christmas Rules

1. Be especially patient with your humans at this time as they may appear to be more stressed-out than usual.

2. When they come home with large bags of things called gifts, do not assume all the gifts are for you.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you as they get pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree home, set it up, and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as it may seem, it is an important human ritual, so you need to know: (a) don't go to bathroom on the tree, (b) don't drink water in the container holding the tree, (c) control your tail when near tree, (d) if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or have your name on them, don't rip them open, and (e) don't chew on the cord running from the hole in the wall to the tree.

5. Your humans may occasionally invite strangers to come visit during this season. The parties can be fun, but call for some discretion by you: (a) not all strangers appreciate kisses, (b) don't eat off the buffet table, (c) beg subtly for goodies, (d) be pleasant, even when strangers sit on your sofa, and (e) don't drink out of glasses left sitting around.

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: (a) observe all the rules in #4 for trees, with 4a particularly important, (b) respect animals and their territory in the house you are visiting, (c) tolerate children, and (d) turn on your charm big time.

7. A chubby man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night, DON'T BITE HIM!!