I Must Be Cursed

I am in serious mourning.

My laptop with five years of life on it died. Not just broke but stone cold dead.

I want to weep. For Christmas 2004 we got the top of the line Sony Vaio laptops. I got one and spouse got one. His is still working as that is what I'm on.

Five years of writing, homework, research papers, nursing school info, resume, job cover letters, my brain.........GONE.

Since there are few chances for me to talk with anyone I write. I pour out my anger, my joy, my despair, my light bulb moments, EVERYTHING. I lost it all.

Don't be telling me I should have backed it all up yap yap yap cuz I have already heard that sanctimonious speech. I detest when spouse has a reason to "tell me so".

Last night I was ready to walk off the nearest cliff. I have no clue where any cliff is.

It's like losing a family member in an electronic type of way. I lost one of the few places my conscious and unconscious mind reside besides my head.

I feel the need to find bagpipe music for my iPod but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I lost over 600 songs that were on my laptop.....................the a-gon-eeeeeeeeeee.

I am feeling so down because of the lack of a job and the fact we're barely living off of spouse's unemployment and now this.

I give. Whoever cursed me please stop. I give, I'm belly up, you win.

Stick a Fork in Me, I'm Done

Months of spending all the time with my family. The 18yo who takes everything one says the wrong way and starts spewing anger. The 21yo that ignores his dog to play video games and meet chicks on Facebook. The spouse who stopped listening to me decades ago. "You know you talk too much." Yes I do. Knew that before we got married. Guess the boobs blinded him from my penchant to ramble.

Day after day spent on the laptop looking for jobs and playing on Facebook. Night after night watching television that requires no thought, no engaging the brain.

Sleep, wake up, do it all over again.

I remembered a story about my paternal grandparents and told my husband, who I can say with authority, didn't give a damn. People that lived my history with me are dwindling.

I miss my mom so much on days like today. I miss having girlfriends I could call on the phone and spend 15 minutes having a true interactive conversation.

Kinda sad to admit but the vast majority of my friends live on the internet. I love ya guys but I am still pretty darn lonely.

My father has a 'new' life in Arizona as a Republican reactionary racist. My brothers have their own lives in various California areas. We used to keep abreast of one another through my mom. Once the conduit was gone so was any semblance of interest or caring.

I have not seen anyone I'm related to by blood since 1997, right after my mom died. Oh wait! My youngest brother came to visit 7 years ago but he was manic at the time and spent the visit acting like, and arguing with my then 11yo son. If you have never spent time with a manic person, you are missing out on some EXTREME annoyance!

Who's left to care about why I am who I am? How I came to be me.

Spouse and I took Pupples on a mile walk today. I realized yet again I dislike the person I married. So many negative emotion stuffed all up inside him, lashing out like Indiana Jones' whip, rapid and stinging, unexpected, and without warning.

Shouldn't I like my spouse?

Don't I deserve to have someone who cares about how I became the woman I am today?

TEEN MOM~Guilty Pleasure

I confess.

I am not a reality show person. I avoid them like the plague. Except Teen Mom on MTV.

No I do not watch MTV on a regualr basis. I started by watching 16 and Pregnant.

I was fascinated and horrified at these 6 young pregnant teens. I am so glad I waited until 26 and married to have children. It's difficult enough to do in your twenties, thirties, and forties, let alone six-freaking teen.

There are 3 girls who kept their babies and one who gave hers up for adoption even though her mother totally disagreed.

Firstly, the babies are adorable. They are getting close to a year old and just starting to stand.

Next, whoa have these girls grown up! I am impressed. Well most of the girls. They're really still kids and they are on a steep learning curve.

The dads can be total jerks. Complete idiots. One guy is on unemployment and doesn't really want a job as his parents are paying for everything. GROW UP RYAN! Jeez this guy makes me want to kick ass.

One girl has no dad in the picture and she thought she could have a social life and her mom watch the baby. HA! Her mom is kind of a bitch but this girl just wasn't getting it. The newest episode shows how much she's growing.

Another dad is clueless. His gf is fairly immature but has begun to mature. He, older, acts like a 12yo. Buddy listen to the girl. COMMUNICATE. Right now they are not together.

The couple that adopted their baby out have the most together. A good relationship even though some days they giver's remorse. I would anyone who gave a baby to adoption would have second thought no matter what age.

Ya'll know this is a good escape from the isssues in my own life. Check it out some day. It's addictive.

Random Thoughts

Life was supposed to get easier when I graduated nursing school. SEE what I knew.

Not very many new LPN jobs being posted. Spouse unemployed 12 months. Janice making no money since the 2000 Census. We need some income and soon. I feel so pressured. Not that spouse is pressuring me, but I feel it.

I would be going to school for RN pre-reqs if I had any financial aid left.

I feel guilty thinking I'm poor after watching the coverage on Haiti. My one luxury is bottled water. They don't even have water. Oh! The latent Catholic guilt is keeping me awake tonight. Dang nuns.

Asked the 21yo for money to cover his car insurance. That went over well. He's like most 21yo's~no concept of not spending entire paycheck on worthless unnecessary drivel.

Passive/aggressive spouse is now turning dog issue on me. Sometimes his twisted "nothing is ever his fault" makes me want to hit him hard with a sledge hammer. Good thing we don't own a sledge hammer.

I really should have married money. Damn me for believing in 'true love'.

Getting Over Myself

Yeah, yeah I tend to personalize things. That's what happens when the only reflection I get about myself is from 3 males who are so out of touch with their own emotions and a pit bull puppy. I need input from others.

Which I got. Thank you.

Since I have suffered depression, self-blame is easy for me. It's very hard not to blame myself for failure or non-success. I can never see the positive qualities I have and nursing did nothing for my self confidence or my ability to see myself w/o a negative screen.

My mom used the word "lazy" way too often. I have to fight to keep that negativity away from the forefront of my mind. I wasn't lazy, I was a teenager. An undiagnosed depressive teenager. Hindsight...and all that.

I applied at an Alzheimer's facility today. No opening but I know they have high turnover. It's a burn out job. Folks can't handle it. It's very difficult to deal with Alzheimer patients. Hey, if it pays...I'm into it.

I'll keep on trucking. I have no choice.

Thanks, but No Thanks

In the mail today today I received a lovely letter telling me that although I was an excellent candidate(along with several others) the psych hospital job went to someone more experienced.

Bucket of ice water to the face.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I can get interviews but then it's see ya wouldn't want to be ya!

This is what I get for putting my children ahead of myself.

The only paying job I've had in 20 years is the 2000 census. That was a whole eight weeks of work.

I did get promoted during the first week of training and again after 2 weeks, but I have no established work history.

I walked into that interview Monday, saw 3 women waiting to grill me and tried to smile. I answered all the questions competently but was a little thrown by the how would you define teamwork.

I thought of the perfect answer 3 hours after the interview.

I am beginning to doubt myself.

One of the women in my nursing class is already in the bridge to RN program and has been working since the minute she passed the NCLEX.

Fab.

Everyone one who wanted a job seemed to have found one except me.

And I thought just getting through the nursing program would be the hard part...HA!

Just Another Interview

I picked up the phone yesterday and someone asked for me! By name. I have an interview on Monday morning for a position in a psychiatric hospital.

Lots of people are thinking they'd never work at a psych hospital...for me it's an opportunity to get into psych nursing years before I thought possible.

It's not at the most convenient location. It's split between mid-shift and night-shift. It's on a voluntary floor and on an involuntary floor. She asked me if that would bother me, being on a locked floor. I was no, why should it? I was sincere.

Psych is fascinating to me. To have this opportunity right out of school will allow to experience situations so I can evaluate my true interest in this field of nursing.

It will broaden my psych knowledge from 20% to over 50%. I would not be in charge, which is ok. I'd be doing medications and treatments. I'd be getting experience on an electronic drug dispensary machine. I'd be rocking and rolling.

We're going to drive by this weekend because it's in a place neither of us know very well. Spouse wants to check out the safety of the area. (Surprising. I didn't think he cared. But it also may be he'd want to retrieve my Honda if I get shanked or something.)

Snicker I've been watching too many reality documentaries on prisons I think. YOU never want to be in prison in Georgia. TRUST ME on this one.