Case Study - Bruin

Bruin appears to you as the everyman. He has a face and a body which could be hard to pick out from the melting pot of humanity in which he sought to thrive in.

His body language is more interesting. He moves as if his entire body is stiff and a long time ago, he had stopped moving his arms while walking, since it seemed to be more efficient in his perception.

He used to read a lot of books and boy, did they make an impression on him. He had read of the oriental concept of 'hara' from a Lustbader novel, and tried to emulate the motion of a person who had 'hara', the central rooting force in the human body.

He didn't know anything about 'hara'other than what the books told him. Most gaijins always walked with a bounce in their stride. People with 'hara' lacked that bounce. They moved with purpose. The end result was that his movements became robotic. This gait became associated with him. It looked intimidating and robotic to most.

If Bruin stood alongside anyone the same size as him, either in girth or length, he would appear to be the smaller one. His body structure or language was such.

If we move along, and start analyzing Bruin's mind, we would encounter a weird mix of everything which has gone wrong, either completely or in parts.

Bruin manifests himself as a being who is eager to showcase his efforts for any cause that he is with. The fact, however, is that secretly he wishes for the defeat of that very cause. He wants to live and he wants to die. He loves portraying himself to himself as well as to others as 'he man who tried', but couldn't succeed because of overwhelming external forces.

I guess that is so, because he doesn't know what he wants really. He thinks that he wants to be an old man, secure in his lone lighthouse, reminiscing his colourful life while a thunderstorm rages without. Beautiful is not the word I can think of to describe this trait of Bruin's. I am partial towards the use of the word 'wishful' in its place.

He carries many painful scars in his memory. The make him older in some aspects. Thankfully, he has a memory which forgets most things, until they are re-triggered into life by some catalyst. He wishes that he could withdraw from this world completely and watch it from some coccoon as the dramas enfold. Crazy old Bruin.

I am fucked. The half bitten cigarette butt's journey is still incomplete. It must survive many more kicks and flames before it reaches its final destination.

Many a times have I pondered up on this point. Solemn at times, jovial at others. Never have I been able to decrypt this enigma. Zemblanity is merely dependent on perspective. If you have a 'positive' outlook at life, it transforms itself into serendipity, without you even knowing it.

Sometimes, you wonder why is it that you want to be happy all the time? Of course, you never can be happy at all times. There are the usual bumps in the blacktop while you try to sail along with the wind.


Keeping all those aside, the fact remains that I am happy when I am not happy. I am happy when I wade neck deep in sadness. If that makes sense.

Days, weeks and months are whizzing past me like seconds. I remember waking up on Monday and all of a sudden it's Saturday morning.

I don't know where those five days went. The fact remains that they are lost for good. Sad.

Dreams remain dreams. Is this one?

Pondicherry Bike Trip

Went to Pondicherry last Sunday. Find the details at Divine Thoughts.

This is bad. I can feel the bile rising up my gut. A bad taste, that lingers on. Knowing that your own flesh is in rebellion. Pardon me Shylock. I tried to avoid this. The medical journals don't seem to be too good now. It seems to me that, zemblanity is not going to stop pursuing me. I don't want to go back and be all wired up again. I don't mind the hypodermics. I don't mind the mindless piercings. I don't want to be left alone again in some antiseptic hospital room waiting restlessly to cease the feeling of being supremely useless. If it does happen, I am going to subscribe to the methodologies of the Indian astrology practitioners. I am supposed to be in a state of bad luck as per the stars. Under the worst influence of the vile Saturn, sitting smug amidst his rings up in the sky above. So many chances. So many lost. Many more ignored. Where is this road headed for. Fear is a wonderful thing. Fear of the unknown has an allure of its own. I don't want to declare war on the gods again. They have been tossing and squishing me around for quite a while like a burnt out cigarette butt. Well. Fuck them. I know that much more is in stock for me. They are going to try to make me cry out. Well, I may. Maybe I will change my point of view, switch careers and become an astrologer.

All things usually come to an end. The end is reliable. It is always there for you. Waiting, knowing, in cold certainty that it is the only thing which persists. Is there anything anywhere without a beginning or an end? There are always gray areas, but those are probably gray because we are not able to shed enough light on them or we are not equipped with the right kind of digging equipment to gather the dirt on them.

Why am I blabbering about the end? Is mine near? I am ever persistent in my attempts to make it closer than ever. Still I stop short since I can't find in me the courage to take the final step. To take the plunge in the deep unknown, and I don't mean deep sea diving here. People say that it's cowardly to take one's own life. In my opinion, it takes maximum courage to end one's life.

I have always envied Forrest Gump for his lucky streak. A series of serendipitious events continuously happening to the not-too-bright millionaire that is Gump. I wish I were as dumb as Gump so that I could trade places with him! Lucky Gump.

If I were to make a movie of my recent past. It would make Gump go dumber. It would be the exact reverse of what was happening to Gump in that movie. I am sure that Edward A Murphy Jr, will be the first person to run up to the Pearly Gates and give me a welcoming embrace when my time comes. He would have been glad to see me live my life.

There are two ways to do anything. The right way and the not-so-right or wrong way. I try choosing the first always, and end up performing the second, and this is not a willingly done act. I never know until it's too late that through my actions I was validating Murphy's law.

There are patterns everywhere. I believe that if a person can identify the patterns which bob around him, he can correlate them with his experience as well as that of the vast treasury of human experience in general, to come up with a decision which is probabilistically destined to be a successful one, or in plain terms, the right one.

The confoundedness arises when someone actually interprets the patterns correctly and decides to risk making a wrong decision in the expectation that the pattern too must come to an end, although the chances of that are slim. That little brain wave that men possess, is exploited to the maximum by the casinos worldwide.

I wish I could play Russian roulette. It would make the mundaneness dissolve away for the few fleeting moments when the eagerness and anxiety of wanting to know whether the bullet has my name on it, would make me alive.

I wish I were alive.

Sick to the core, everything is a blur. These last moments of clarity are to savored in ecstasy. Substance D. I am waiting for it. Where are the little blue flowers? The messiahs of brain damage and limitless mind twisting. The wind in the sky whipped up a little fireball. The fireball tumbled down like a chopper with a busted tail rotor. It zeroed in on the forehead and made a quick spiral towards it. Crashed. Crashed all the way into the head. Churning up dead gray cells. And slush. The hemispheres went down in a cosmic blast. Only the charring pain remained. Throb throb throb. The veins were pumping blood dancing to the beat of some mysterious pendulum. The drizzle of snot is unbelievably irritating. Eagerly do I wait for the end. For a new beginning, or total darkness. For the point of no return or advance. To immortal stagnation.

8 Random Facts about Poison

niki-chan tagged me with this one!

The Rules of this tag:
1. Link to your tagger and post these rules.
2. List eight (8) random facts about yourself.
3. Tag eight people at the end of your post and list their names (linking to them).
4. Let them know they've been tagged by leaving them a comment on their blogs.

*************************ooOoo***********************

1 I have difficulty in differentiating between reality and dreams.
2 I don't have character. At least none which can be termed to be really mine.
3 I tend to be a good reflector of the company I am with. I blend in.
4 I hate it when I am not doing anything, even though I may proclaim otherwise.
5 I don't have a favourite food. Or favourite music.
6 My favourite movie is Apocalypse Now Redux.
7 I had a dog which was with me for sixteen years. I authorized its euthanasia.
8 I have been on a continuous bad luck streak since April 2007.

Anyone who's interested to state 8 random facts are welcome to take this tag up! (Sorry... I can't follow rules 3 and 4!)